Showing posts with label Sainsbury's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sainsbury's. Show all posts

Saturday, 20 January 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘Where’s your Chardonnay?’ I asked

‘Over on the back aisle with the other wines. Eeeh I’m dead funny me.’

‘I meant your Chardonnay, she was on the counter last week.’

‘I know, I was just having my little joke, is it the usual.’

‘Yes please.’ Agatha started getting my things

‘I had a nice little chat with your Chardonnay last week.’

‘Oh yes?’ Agatha stopped what she was doing ‘What did she say exactly?’

‘Oh nothing, not much just that you had a hit list of customers.’

‘I wouldn’t say ‘hit list’ exactly.’ Agatha slowly re-started getting my order ready.

‘What would you call it?’

‘Well err just a list of customers with … errr … specific requirements?’

‘Specific requirements?’

‘Well just things they like to be just so. Like your mate Clara Toffington-Sythe.’

‘Clarice Peffington-Smythe.’

‘That’s her. She can be a right faff, and I wouldn’t care but her granddad was a rag and bone man.’

I was suddenly interested ‘What was that about Clarice?’

‘Nothing just her granddad used to have a round over on the Wellington estate before they pulled it down for the by-pass. My gran used to say there was always a bit of a mystery over where he got the money for the horse and cart.’

‘Hang on a minute while I write this all down.’ I then picked up my order and left.

As I left I heard a shout of ‘Chardonnay! What have you been telling the punters?

Saturday, 6 January 2018


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie … there was a new assistant at the counter

‘Oh hello’ I said ‘I’ve not seen you before, are you new?’

‘I started yesterday. I’m Chardonnay.’

‘Of course you are. Is Agatha not in?’

‘Is she not in?’

‘Yes, well no. Is she?’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’

I decided to start again ‘Is Agatha in?’

‘No, well yes.’

You’re doing it now.’


Nothing. So Agatha is in?’

‘Yes she is in, but she is out the back having a ta .. break.’

‘A tabreak?’ I queried

‘A break.’

‘Will she be long, she normally does my order, she knows what I like.’

‘I can serve you.’

‘I’ll wait if she won’t be long.’

‘I have full authority.’ I could see she going to insist so reluctantly I gave my order.

‘Oh’ said Chardonnay

‘What oh?’

‘Are you “two peach melbas and friendly with the vicar”?

‘I do have the occasional melba and I do know the vicar.’ I conceded warily

‘Aunt A… I mean Agatha told me about you.’


‘I mean Miss Agatha.’

I was beginning to see a resemblance

To be continued …

Saturday, 23 December 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual and I'll collect my Christmas order if it is ready.'

'Morning' replied Agatha as she finished stacking a shelf. 'Is that your order for your afternoon tea with the Toffington-Sythes?'

'Ppeffington-Smythes' I corrected, yes they are coming over this afternoon for our pre-Christmas afternoon tea.'

'It's all right for some, I'm in here until 6 o'clock.’ Agatha started to assemble my Christmas order ‘I don’t think I know the Ppeffington-Smythes, do they come in here?' she asked by way of conversation.

‘Clarisse used to come in here but she stopped ages ago, she said there was a right misery on the bakery counter.' Agatha pursed her lips

'and you won’t know him, he never comes in here. Clarisse says he is very big in the men's department.' Agatha dropped her tongs when she heard this bit of information.

'Pardon.' said Agatha

'In John Lewis’ I continued ‘Clarisse says he is the supervisor in menswear.'

'Oh I see.' said Agatha picking up her tongs and arranging my winter black forest gateau and winter coconut haystacks in a box. She stopped mid-arrange and said ‘Ah’

‘What ‘Ah’ I said

‘It’s your éclairs.’

‘What about my éclairs, don’t say you haven’t got any.’

‘No, no it’s not that, we have plenty of éclairs … ’ Agatha paused … ‘but I forgot to order the finger ones, we only have the round ones.’

I staggered back a little. ‘Say that again, slowly this time.’

‘We … don’t … have …’ Agatha paused ‘… any finger éclairs’ she completed at a rush.

I went ashen ‘What am I going to do?’

‘I could do you a replacement. What about a couple of sly cakes?’

‘Sly cakes! I can’t give the Ppeffington-Smythes sly cakes, not of a Christmas, I will never hear the end of it.’

‘I could cut them into finger shapes.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I could sprinkle them with icing sugar.’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘We could call them … oh I don’t know … err … winter fruit delights.’


‘or, enraptures …winter fruit enraptures.’

‘Oh I like that. I’ll have four.’

Agatha completed my order and I left

As I left I heard Agatha shout out ‘Margaret, get those old cakes out the back, I think I’m onto something here.’

Then there was that kkkeeerrrcchhhinnnggg noise again.

Agatha is on holiday until the new year.

Saturday, 16 December 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual and I'll pick up my Christmas order while I'm here.'  Agatha busied herself getting my things.

'And can I give you my Christmas order as well?'

'I'm getting your order ready.' said Agatha with a puzzled look on her face.

'Ah no, that's my Christmas order for the vicar, I want to give you my other Christmas order for next week.  I always have the Ppeffington-Smythes the Saturday before Christmas.'

'Sounds painful.'


'Nothing.'  Agatha picked up a pencil and paper 'What would you like?'

'Well I'm doing a Christmas afternoon tea.  I thought I'd have a Christmas theme and have winter coconut haystacks and slices of winter black forest gateau.'

'What's winter coconut haystacks and winter black forest gateau?' asked Agatha again with a puzzled look

'Well they are just like normal coconut haystacks and black forest gateau, but they have the word winter in them.'

'Oh I see.' said Agatha when clearly she didn't 'Wait a minute, this isn't your daft idea for coconut haystacks like you wanted last year ... coconut haystacks without any coconut in them.'

'Ah no, that was for Deidre Catchpole.  That's different.  She can't have anything with coconut in, not after that incident at the traveling fair when the big lad off of the Waltzer caught her unawares by the coconut shy.  Ever since then she shakes and has night tremors if she so much as has a bounty.'

Agatha gave a deep sigh 'So what do you want.' asked Agatha

'I'll have coconut haystacks and black forest gateau for four and you better give me a couple of eclairs as well, not the round ones ... Clarisse' I paused and Agatha looked at me expectantly 'PPpeffington-Smythe that is, she doesn't like the round ones, she says they are more for your riff raff.

Agatha rolled her eyes.  'It's another world.'

'So that's coconut haystacks, black forest slices and a couple of eclairs ... not round ones.' Agatha summarised.

'Oh and could you sprinkle some icing sugar an them?'

'Icing sugar?'

'Yes, make them a bit Chrismassy.'

'Would you like them to play Jingle Bells'

'That won't be necessary.'

I was sensing sarcasm, and there is no need I was only placing a small order.

Saturday, 9 December 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual. Oh and I’d like to change my Christmas order for the vicar’,

‘Change it?’ queried Agatha

‘Yes, I’ve just found out he has gone glutten free.’

‘I bet he hasn’t gone alcohol free’ replied Agatha

‘What was that?’


‘So if you could just change my items to glutten free.’

‘The order has gone upstairs.’

‘Could you change it?’

‘I’d have to fill a form in.’

‘Can you fill the form in then?’

‘I’d have to email it.’

‘Can you email it.’

‘They don’t like orders being changed.’

‘It’s only a little change.’

‘It’s a lot of extra work for me.’

‘Can you not do it?’

‘It’s in the process.’

‘Can you not take it out of the process.’

‘Not really.’

‘What am I going to do?’

‘Tell him Mary and Joseph wouldn’t have had a glutten free Christmas cake.’

‘That’s true, they didn’t have glutten free in the olden days.’

‘Or’ Agatha was warming to her theme ‘just don’t tell him your order isn’t glutten free, he will never know the difference.’

‘Oh I don’t know, that doesn’t seem right. What if he passes out eating a mince pie.’

‘That’s daft.’

‘Oh no it can happen, last year at the Rotary Christmas Night of a Thousand Lights, Clarisse Ppeffington-Smythe passed out when I told her the mince pie she had just eaten won best of category at Aldis.’

Agatha rolled her eyes and muttered ‘oh for heavens sake.‘ With a look of resolution she said ‘I can’t change the order.’

‘I’ll just have to risk it, I will pick it up next week.’

Saturday, 2 December 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual thanks.' Agatha started getting my things 'I was wondering if I could put my Christmas order in.'

'Yes that's fine we are taking Christmas orders now.' replied Agatha

'Well not my Christmas order, I mean my Christmas order for the vicar.'

'That is your Christmas order.'

'No, I have a different order for the vicar.'

'Sort of a holy order.' said Agatha with a titter.


'Nothing.  So what do you want for your vicar Christmas order.'

'I'm not sure, have you got anything sort of holy.'

'My tights? Agatha tittered again

'I don't think you are taking this seriously.  This is very important.'

'I'm sorry, I will be serious now.'

'So what have you got.'

'I've got mince pies.'

'There not really holy.'

'Well I suppose if it's for the vicar, you would be best off with brandy snaps, rum truffles and a sherry trifle.'

'What are you trying to say?'


'Well go on then, I'll take that and a couple of mince pies, I'll pick it up week after next.'

Saturday, 25 November 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’ As Agatha assembled my order I thought I would strike up a little small talk. Soon be Christmas.’ I said


‘it gets sooner every year.’


‘it seems only five minutes since last Christmas.’


‘I suppose it’s a lot of work for you.’

‘hmmm.’ said Agatha as she sliced my loaf

‘but I do like the Christmas food.’


‘the mince pies.’


‘and the Christmas cake.’

‘hmmm.’ said Agatha as popped my peach melbas into a box

‘and a small brandy on Christmas day.’


‘just for celebration purposes of course.’


‘and the vicar, it’s his busy time of year.’


‘he says he never stops.’

Agatha completed my order my order and I left.

It’s nice to have a bit of a chat, she’s not so bad when you get to know her.

Saturday, 18 November 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘How can I help you?’ asked Agatha ‘We now have our Christmas range in.’

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘as it’s November I suppose you have your Christmas range in.’

‘Yes we have the full range available today.’

‘Have you got the full range?’

‘We have got mince pies, Christmas cake, stollen .. the full range.’

‘Have you got mince pies?’

Agatha started to look a bit cross ‘I just said … we have got lots of mince pies, packs of mince pies, anything you want.’

‘Do you have packs of mince pies?’

‘Are you on a time delay? Yes, we have packs of fours and twos.’

‘How many are in your packs? Have you got sixes?’

‘Look I just said we have packs and no we don’t do sixes we do fours and twos.’

‘I wanted six.’

‘We do fours and twos.’

‘I wanted six.’

‘I could do you a four and a two’ offered Agatha’

‘It’s not the same, I wanted a pack of six.’

Agatha leaned over the counter and lowered her voice ‘I could do you three twos and just charge you for two fours’ Agatha looked over her shoulder ‘but don’t tell the manager.’

‘Oh that is very good of you, I’ll have three twos then.’

Agatha made up my order and I left. As I walked to the checkout I heard that ‘Keerrrrrcchhhinnnggggg! noise again.

Saturday, 11 November 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning’ she greeted

‘Morning’ I replied

‘Right, what can I get you … a strawberry tureen trifle?’


‘or perhaps a unicorn illusion cake?’


Or a sachertorte with a lemon glaze?’

‘I’m not with you’

‘or maybe an opera cake with a side of crushed raspberries’

‘you have lost me’

‘or maybe you would like me to go on a four week overland trek over the Eurasian steppes to get you some yak milk to make a Mongolian blancmange?’

‘you don’t get yaks in Mongolia.’



‘I’ve had weeks of your fancy Bake off demands, well now I’m ready for you, I’ve got everything … what do you want this week?’

‘I’ll have two jam doughnuts.’

I don’t know what is wrong with her these days.

Saturday, 4 November 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘What with the Bake off finishing I think I’ll have some special celebration bread this week.'

‘Oh has it finished? asked Agatha 'Thank goodness for that, we might get back to normal now.’ I ignored this slight to my TV show.

‘I think I’ll have a selection of celebration loves.’ I repeated

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘Can I have a focaccia?’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘and a savoury filled plait.’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘and a Rye split’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘Can I have a mix of wholemeal, spelt and mixed grain?’

‘I’ve got brown or white.’

I could see I wasn’t going to get my celebration loaves. ‘Do you still flour your baps?’

‘I beg your pardon.’ said Agatha sharply

‘Nothing' I could see Agatha wasn't in a mood for fripperies 'I’ll have a dozen brown baps.’

I don’t know why I keep on coming here, they never have what I want.

Saturday, 28 October 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted

'What can I get you this week?' asked Agatha

'Have you got craquelin buns?'

'I beg your pardon'

'The vicar said he thought you had craquelin buns.'

'If you don't stop that I'll call the manager.'

I decided to change tack, I could see she was in one of her moods. 'Well have you got two pink meringue flamingos?'

'No, look I've got apple turnovers and doughnuts and hurry and make your mind up, you've got a queue forming.'

'Have you got something Halloweeney?'


'Yes sort of Halloweeeney ... maybe a scary cake.  I think the vicar might quite like that.'

'I thought vicars were against that sort of thing.'

'That's more your Catholics. The Father at Mary of the Immaculate Conception said he thought pumpkins were the work of the devil.'

'I haven't got time for this' said Agatha with a touch of impatience

'Can you put black icing on a couple of apple turnovers?'

Agatha pulled a face and gave a little shudder 'You want apple turnovers covered in icing?'


'If it means you will go away, I suppose so, but I haven't got black.'


'I've got orange.'

'Great I'll have two apple turnovers with orange icing.'

Sometimes it can be realy difficult to get the simplest thing at that Patisserie.

Saturday, 21 October 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said ‘Have you got a couple of big clangers?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Clangers, I was wondering if you had a couple of large ones?’

‘If you don’t stop saying that I will call the manager.’

‘They are sort of suet based pies,’ I started to explain ‘with savoury at one end and sweet at the other, like a big pie.’

‘Oh, i see, well no, we don’t do them.’

‘Are you sure? I was thinking they would do nice for the vicar.’

‘No, we don’t do them’

‘Can you not knock me a couple up.’

‘Can I not knock you some up?’



‘Go on.’

‘Well I suppose ... ' I could see Agatha was weakening and her mind was racing ‘I could get a cheese pasty and a jam doughnut and staple them together.’

‘It’s not the same.’

‘It’s all I’ve got.’

‘I’ll take two.’

Saturday, 14 October 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll have a dozen cannoli this week.'

'A dozen what?' quertied Agatha

'A dozen cannoli.' I repeated

'I can only let you have six.'

''I wanted twelve' Agatha started to titter

'What? Oh I see, very funny can only have six, stop messing about have you got a dozen?'

'Are they for the vicar?'


'Holy cannoli!  Eeh I'm on form this morning.' laughed Agatha

'Are you going to be like this all day.'

'I was only having a laugh.'

'Well don't this is important I need a dozen cannoli for my Italian extravaganza for the vicar this afternoon. Can I have Armagnac filling cannoli dipped in a rich raspberry sauce?’

‘We have vanilla.’ Replied Agatha

‘Have you not got something a bit more exciting?’

‘Like what?’

‘Like Limón celli.’ I suggested


‘Passion fruit?’






‘Cherry Kirsch?’


‘Well what have you got?’

‘I told you … vanilla.’

‘That will have to do I suppose I’ll have 12 vanilla cannoli.’

Miserable old bag

Saturday, 7 October 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll have a pie this week.'

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.' replied Agatha

'I think I'll have a celebration pie.'

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.'

'Something savory with a fruit glaze top.' I continued

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.'

‘Can you do my pie with a chequerboard filling?’

‘We do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

‘with a nice egg glaze.’ I prompted again

‘We do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

‘and could I have four, each one with an individual design to make a set.’

‘Do you want four mince and onion or four chicken and mushroom.’

‘Have you not got Widgeon?’




‘Stop saying pigeon.’

‘Look I only do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

I began to sense I wasn’t going to get an exciting pie ‘I’ll have two of each’

I wonder if ASDAs do pies. 

Saturday, 30 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted 'I think I'll have an ornamental trifle terrine.'

'Flamin' bake off' muttered Agatha

'What was that?'

'Nothing, what do you want?'

'I'll have an ornamental trifle terrine.' I repeated

‘We don’t do trifles.’

‘Yes you do, I got one here last Christmas.’

‘Ah yes well we do do them of a Christmas, that’s different.’

‘Can I not have one now, it’s nearly Christmas.’

‘It’s not nearly Christmas it’s only September.’

‘Well could you not knock one up.’

‘How do you expect me to do that’ said Agatha in exasperation ‘they take ages to set.’

‘You could do me a small one.’


‘Go on.’


‘Go on.’

‘Look I can’t’ do you a trifle I haven’t the ingredients and I haven’t got the time, so if you don’t want anything else can you move along, I’ve got a queue forming.’

’You get quite cross when you are asked for trifles don’t you.’

‘‘I don’t.’

‘You do, you’re cross now.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You are.’

‘Look I’m not cross’ hissed Agatha as she slammed her tongs on the counter.’

I picked up my items and left. She seemed cross to me.

Saturday, 23 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think 'll have half a dozen stroopwafels this week please.'

'Half a dozen what?' queried Agatha

'Stoopwafels - they are Dutch.'

'We don't do foreign'

'Yes you do, you did me a genuine Jamaican ginger cake the other week.'

'Ah ...  yes ... well, sorry about that, they don't really come from Jamaica we buy those in off of this old dear lives in Durham.  Can I get you a couple of peach melbas, you like them.'

'Peach melbas are foreign.'


'Peach melbas' I repeated 'they are foreign, they were named after Dame Nellie Peach Melba, she was Australian.'

'Ah ... well ... your Australia isn't really foreign.'

'Yes it is.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is.'

'No it's not, it's more British really than foreign.'

'That's daft, anyway I don't want peach melbas, I want stroopwafels.'

'I told you, we don't do them.'

'Can you not knock me some up?'

'I could cut a bagel in two and fill it with peanut butter?'

'It's not the same.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take it.'

Sometimes it is really difficult to get that woman to do anything.

Saturday, 16 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear' I said 'I think I'll have a change this week.  I've got the vicar coming round for sandwiches so instead of my usual sliced multi-seeded, I think I'll have a cottage loaf.'

'We haven't got any' replied Agatha

'You haven't got a cottage loaf?' I replied in disbelief 'you must have, all bakers have cottage loaves.'

'Well I haven't I can do you a farmhouse.' she offered as an alternative

'It's not the same.'

'It's almost the same, a farmhouse is nearly a cottage.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is, farmers sometimes live in cottages.'

'What's that got to do with it.'

'I'm just saying.'

'I wanted a cottage loaf, I saw a ice one on the Bake off.'

'I should have known.'

'What do you mean by that.'

'Nothing, just when that programme is on, you always come in wanting fancy things.'

'No I don't, a cottage loaf isn't fancy.'

'It is in here.   Why don't I do you a large farmhouse and a small farmhouse and you can put the small one on top of the large one and make your own cottage loaf.'

'That's daft.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take them.'

I don't know what the vicar is going to say.

Saturday, 9 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

As I said good morning I noticed a small cottage loaf on the counter ‘Oh is that an illusion cake?’ I asked

‘No it’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It is an illusion cake, how clever.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘I’ve seen these things on the telly, they look like one thing but they are something else.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It looks just like a cottage loaf.’

‘It is a cottage loaf.’

‘But I bet it’s a cake.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘How exciting, when you slice into it is it a chocolate cake

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Or a lemon drizzle perhaps?’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Go on cut it in half now.’

‘Now? don’t you want to wait until you get home?’

‘No I can’t wait, go on slice it in half now. Agatha picked up a bread knife and cut the item in two.

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’ I said disappointed ‘Why didn’t you say.’ Sometimes that Agatha can be dead awkward.

Saturday, 26 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’ Agatha busied herself getting my order and placed my items on the counter.

'Oh while i remember' she said 'from next week the Patisserie won't be opening until 8 o'clock.'

'8 o'clock?'

'8 o'clock'.

'What do you mean 8 o'clock.'

'I mean we won't be open until 8 o'clock'.

'But I am always back home by 8 o'clock, what am I going to do about my peach melbas and my large multi-seeded if you don't open until 8 o'clock.'

'There's nothing I can do about it, we had a memo from Head Office, we won't be opening until 8 o'clock and that is that.'

'A memo? What did this memo say about my peach melbas.'

'They weren't mentioned.'

‘I find it hard to believe that a memo from Head Office on such an important matter would fail to mention my peach melbas.’

‘Well it didn’t.’

'Are you sure?'

‘What am I going to do?’

‘You will have to have one of those packaged cake boxes instead.’

‘Oh no I don’t think so.’

I don’t know what to do now … I wonder what time the Co-Op opens.

Saturday, 19 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Oh it's you, I'm surprised to see you, what with your fancy Bake off programme on';

'It's not started yet, anyway it's not fancy';

'It's a menace, that's what it is, a menace.  It ruins my trade';

'How can it be a menace, it's just a baking programme';

'It's a menace, it put fancy ideas in peoples heads. People like you coming in wanting opera cakes and sachertortes, it ruins my forward orders  And I remember the catcalls in the street I got the the last time it was on "Ooh there's her with the soggy bottom" and "I bet she has got big bloomers", I was an emotional wreck. I could sue that Mary Berry.'

'I am sorry you were an emotional wreck, I didn't mean to bring it all back.'

'It's all right, what can I get you?'

'Can I have two op ... remalbas.'

'What's an opramelba.'

'Sorry just melbas.'

I think I just got away with it there.