Showing posts with label Sainsbury's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sainsbury's. Show all posts

Saturday, 18 November 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘How can I help you?’ asked Agatha ‘We now have our Christmas range in.’

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘as it’s November I suppose you have your Christmas range in.’

‘Yes we have the full range available today.’

‘Have you got the full range?’

‘We have got mince pies, Christmas cake, stollen .. the full range.’

‘Have you got mince pies?’

Agatha started to look a bit cross ‘I just said … we have got lots of mince pies, packs of mince pies, anything you want.’

‘Do you have packs of mince pies?’

‘Are you on a time delay? Yes, we have packs of fours and twos.’

‘How many are in your packs? Have you got sixes?’

‘Look I just said we have packs and no we don’t do sixes we do fours and twos.’

‘I wanted six.’

‘We do fours and twos.’

‘I wanted six.’

‘I could do you a four and a two’ offered Agatha’

‘It’s not the same, I wanted a pack of six.’

Agatha leaned over the counter and lowered her voice ‘I could do you three twos and just charge you for two fours’ Agatha looked over her shoulder ‘but don’t tell the manager.’

‘Oh that is very good of you, I’ll have three twos then.’

Agatha made up my order and I left. As I walked to the checkout I heard that ‘Keerrrrrcchhhinnnggggg! noise again.

Saturday, 11 November 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning’ she greeted

‘Morning’ I replied

‘Right, what can I get you … a strawberry tureen trifle?’


‘or perhaps a unicorn illusion cake?’


Or a sachertorte with a lemon glaze?’

‘I’m not with you’

‘or maybe an opera cake with a side of crushed raspberries’

‘you have lost me’

‘or maybe you would like me to go on a four week overland trek over the Eurasian steppes to get you some yak milk to make a Mongolian blancmange?’

‘you don’t get yaks in Mongolia.’



‘I’ve had weeks of your fancy Bake off demands, well now I’m ready for you, I’ve got everything … what do you want this week?’

‘I’ll have two jam doughnuts.’

I don’t know what is wrong with her these days.

Saturday, 4 November 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘What with the Bake off finishing I think I’ll have some special celebration bread this week.'

‘Oh has it finished? asked Agatha 'Thank goodness for that, we might get back to normal now.’ I ignored this slight to my TV show.

‘I think I’ll have a selection of celebration loves.’ I repeated

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘Can I have a focaccia?’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘and a savoury filled plait.’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘and a Rye split’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘Can I have a mix of wholemeal, spelt and mixed grain?’

‘I’ve got brown or white.’

I could see I wasn’t going to get my celebration loaves. ‘Do you still flour your baps?’

‘I beg your pardon.’ said Agatha sharply

‘Nothing' I could see Agatha wasn't in a mood for fripperies 'I’ll have a dozen brown baps.’

I don’t know why I keep on coming here, they never have what I want.

Saturday, 28 October 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted

'What can I get you this week?' asked Agatha

'Have you got craquelin buns?'

'I beg your pardon'

'The vicar said he thought you had craquelin buns.'

'If you don't stop that I'll call the manager.'

I decided to change tack, I could see she was in one of her moods. 'Well have you got two pink meringue flamingos?'

'No, look I've got apple turnovers and doughnuts and hurry and make your mind up, you've got a queue forming.'

'Have you got something Halloweeney?'


'Yes sort of Halloweeeney ... maybe a scary cake.  I think the vicar might quite like that.'

'I thought vicars were against that sort of thing.'

'That's more your Catholics. The Father at Mary of the Immaculate Conception said he thought pumpkins were the work of the devil.'

'I haven't got time for this' said Agatha with a touch of impatience

'Can you put black icing on a couple of apple turnovers?'

Agatha pulled a face and gave a little shudder 'You want apple turnovers covered in icing?'


'If it means you will go away, I suppose so, but I haven't got black.'


'I've got orange.'

'Great I'll have two apple turnovers with orange icing.'

Sometimes it can be realy difficult to get the simplest thing at that Patisserie.

Saturday, 21 October 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said ‘Have you got a couple of big clangers?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Clangers, I was wondering if you had a couple of large ones?’

‘If you don’t stop saying that I will call the manager.’

‘They are sort of suet based pies,’ I started to explain ‘with savoury at one end and sweet at the other, like a big pie.’

‘Oh, i see, well no, we don’t do them.’

‘Are you sure? I was thinking they would do nice for the vicar.’

‘No, we don’t do them’

‘Can you not knock me a couple up.’

‘Can I not knock you some up?’



‘Go on.’

‘Well I suppose ... ' I could see Agatha was weakening and her mind was racing ‘I could get a cheese pasty and a jam doughnut and staple them together.’

‘It’s not the same.’

‘It’s all I’ve got.’

‘I’ll take two.’

Saturday, 14 October 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll have a dozen cannoli this week.'

'A dozen what?' quertied Agatha

'A dozen cannoli.' I repeated

'I can only let you have six.'

''I wanted twelve' Agatha started to titter

'What? Oh I see, very funny can only have six, stop messing about have you got a dozen?'

'Are they for the vicar?'


'Holy cannoli!  Eeh I'm on form this morning.' laughed Agatha

'Are you going to be like this all day.'

'I was only having a laugh.'

'Well don't this is important I need a dozen cannoli for my Italian extravaganza for the vicar this afternoon. Can I have Armagnac filling cannoli dipped in a rich raspberry sauce?’

‘We have vanilla.’ Replied Agatha

‘Have you not got something a bit more exciting?’

‘Like what?’

‘Like Limón celli.’ I suggested


‘Passion fruit?’






‘Cherry Kirsch?’


‘Well what have you got?’

‘I told you … vanilla.’

‘That will have to do I suppose I’ll have 12 vanilla cannoli.’

Miserable old bag

Saturday, 7 October 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll have a pie this week.'

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.' replied Agatha

'I think I'll have a celebration pie.'

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.'

'Something savory with a fruit glaze top.' I continued

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.'

‘Can you do my pie with a chequerboard filling?’

‘We do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

‘with a nice egg glaze.’ I prompted again

‘We do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

‘and could I have four, each one with an individual design to make a set.’

‘Do you want four mince and onion or four chicken and mushroom.’

‘Have you not got Widgeon?’




‘Stop saying pigeon.’

‘Look I only do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

I began to sense I wasn’t going to get an exciting pie ‘I’ll have two of each’

I wonder if ASDAs do pies. 

Saturday, 30 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted 'I think I'll have an ornamental trifle terrine.'

'Flamin' bake off' muttered Agatha

'What was that?'

'Nothing, what do you want?'

'I'll have an ornamental trifle terrine.' I repeated

‘We don’t do trifles.’

‘Yes you do, I got one here last Christmas.’

‘Ah yes well we do do them of a Christmas, that’s different.’

‘Can I not have one now, it’s nearly Christmas.’

‘It’s not nearly Christmas it’s only September.’

‘Well could you not knock one up.’

‘How do you expect me to do that’ said Agatha in exasperation ‘they take ages to set.’

‘You could do me a small one.’


‘Go on.’


‘Go on.’

‘Look I can’t’ do you a trifle I haven’t the ingredients and I haven’t got the time, so if you don’t want anything else can you move along, I’ve got a queue forming.’

’You get quite cross when you are asked for trifles don’t you.’

‘‘I don’t.’

‘You do, you’re cross now.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You are.’

‘Look I’m not cross’ hissed Agatha as she slammed her tongs on the counter.’

I picked up my items and left. She seemed cross to me.

Saturday, 23 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think 'll have half a dozen stroopwafels this week please.'

'Half a dozen what?' queried Agatha

'Stoopwafels - they are Dutch.'

'We don't do foreign'

'Yes you do, you did me a genuine Jamaican ginger cake the other week.'

'Ah ...  yes ... well, sorry about that, they don't really come from Jamaica we buy those in off of this old dear lives in Durham.  Can I get you a couple of peach melbas, you like them.'

'Peach melbas are foreign.'


'Peach melbas' I repeated 'they are foreign, they were named after Dame Nellie Peach Melba, she was Australian.'

'Ah ... well ... your Australia isn't really foreign.'

'Yes it is.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is.'

'No it's not, it's more British really than foreign.'

'That's daft, anyway I don't want peach melbas, I want stroopwafels.'

'I told you, we don't do them.'

'Can you not knock me some up?'

'I could cut a bagel in two and fill it with peanut butter?'

'It's not the same.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take it.'

Sometimes it is really difficult to get that woman to do anything.

Saturday, 16 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear' I said 'I think I'll have a change this week.  I've got the vicar coming round for sandwiches so instead of my usual sliced multi-seeded, I think I'll have a cottage loaf.'

'We haven't got any' replied Agatha

'You haven't got a cottage loaf?' I replied in disbelief 'you must have, all bakers have cottage loaves.'

'Well I haven't I can do you a farmhouse.' she offered as an alternative

'It's not the same.'

'It's almost the same, a farmhouse is nearly a cottage.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is, farmers sometimes live in cottages.'

'What's that got to do with it.'

'I'm just saying.'

'I wanted a cottage loaf, I saw a ice one on the Bake off.'

'I should have known.'

'What do you mean by that.'

'Nothing, just when that programme is on, you always come in wanting fancy things.'

'No I don't, a cottage loaf isn't fancy.'

'It is in here.   Why don't I do you a large farmhouse and a small farmhouse and you can put the small one on top of the large one and make your own cottage loaf.'

'That's daft.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take them.'

I don't know what the vicar is going to say.

Saturday, 9 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

As I said good morning I noticed a small cottage loaf on the counter ‘Oh is that an illusion cake?’ I asked

‘No it’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It is an illusion cake, how clever.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘I’ve seen these things on the telly, they look like one thing but they are something else.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It looks just like a cottage loaf.’

‘It is a cottage loaf.’

‘But I bet it’s a cake.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘How exciting, when you slice into it is it a chocolate cake

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Or a lemon drizzle perhaps?’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Go on cut it in half now.’

‘Now? don’t you want to wait until you get home?’

‘No I can’t wait, go on slice it in half now. Agatha picked up a bread knife and cut the item in two.

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’ I said disappointed ‘Why didn’t you say.’ Sometimes that Agatha can be dead awkward.

Saturday, 26 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’ Agatha busied herself getting my order and placed my items on the counter.

'Oh while i remember' she said 'from next week the Patisserie won't be opening until 8 o'clock.'

'8 o'clock?'

'8 o'clock'.

'What do you mean 8 o'clock.'

'I mean we won't be open until 8 o'clock'.

'But I am always back home by 8 o'clock, what am I going to do about my peach melbas and my large multi-seeded if you don't open until 8 o'clock.'

'There's nothing I can do about it, we had a memo from Head Office, we won't be opening until 8 o'clock and that is that.'

'A memo? What did this memo say about my peach melbas.'

'They weren't mentioned.'

‘I find it hard to believe that a memo from Head Office on such an important matter would fail to mention my peach melbas.’

‘Well it didn’t.’

'Are you sure?'

‘What am I going to do?’

‘You will have to have one of those packaged cake boxes instead.’

‘Oh no I don’t think so.’

I don’t know what to do now … I wonder what time the Co-Op opens.

Saturday, 19 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Oh it's you, I'm surprised to see you, what with your fancy Bake off programme on';

'It's not started yet, anyway it's not fancy';

'It's a menace, that's what it is, a menace.  It ruins my trade';

'How can it be a menace, it's just a baking programme';

'It's a menace, it put fancy ideas in peoples heads. People like you coming in wanting opera cakes and sachertortes, it ruins my forward orders  And I remember the catcalls in the street I got the the last time it was on "Ooh there's her with the soggy bottom" and "I bet she has got big bloomers", I was an emotional wreck. I could sue that Mary Berry.'

'I am sorry you were an emotional wreck, I didn't mean to bring it all back.'

'It's all right, what can I get you?'

'Can I have two op ... remalbas.'

'What's an opramelba.'

'Sorry just melbas.'

I think I just got away with it there.

Saturday, 12 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual, but no peach melbas.’

‘No peach melbas.’ repeated Agatha in a startled tone

‘No peach melbas.’

‘What’s wrong, you always have peach melbas. You like to have them in in case the vicar calls round.’

‘I’ve had it with peach melbas, they are nothing but trouble.’

‘How can a peach melba be trouble?’

‘They just are.’

‘Go on … have a couple.’


‘Go on … we have just got some in, they are dead fresh.’


‘Go on … I've got all these to shift ... I mean ... you know you like them.'

'What do you mean you have just got some in and they are fresh?  I thought they were fresh every week, you told me you made them fresh especially for me.'

'Did I? oh err yes I did didn't I that's what I charge you the extra 20p for. 

'I don't know, the Bake off is on again soon so I might start making my own.'

Agatha turned to the kitchen door and shouted 'Margaret we could be losing one here get the sly cakes out.'

'Look' said Agatha as she leaned over the counter and lowered her voice. 'why don't you take two peach melbas and I can let you have a pack of four sly cakes and I will just charge you the normal price for the lot.  I can't say fairer than that.' offered Agatha giving a shrug of her shoulders 

'Ok well go on then.' I replied 

I think I got a bargain there.

Saturday, 5 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual.  Oh but you better make it three peach meblas instead of two in case the vicar brings that Deidre Catchpole round with him.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Although what he sees in here I don't know.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'I mean it's not as if she is good looking.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'And that laugh, it's like a corncrake. It goes right through me.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'What's that?'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'


'Deidre ... Deidre Catchpole. I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Oh? why not.'

'There's been' Agatha lowered her voice  'well let's just call it an incident.'

'What sort of incident?'

'She was caught in Aldi wearing a duffel coat.'

'There's nothing wrong with wearing a duffel, its not against the law, even if you are in Aldi.'

'What, in this heat ... I don't think so, anyway it wasn't wearing a duffel that got her into bother it was the four frozen chickens she got from the deep freeze and had stashed under it that they did her for.  She passed out just yards from the front door and started shivering with the cold.  They said if they hadn't had a thermal blanket to hand she would have ended up in casualty.  It was only after they tucked the blanket in the found the chickens.  Needless to say the vicar wasn't pleased when he found out.  He said he thought they should cool it for a bit and Deidre said she didn't think that was very funny and they've not spoken since.'

My head was reeling with this new information, I said I'd just have the two peach melbas and I left.

Saturday, 29 July 2017


Agatha was back at the Patisserie …

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘nice to see you back, did you have a nice time at the Jackson-Pollocks.’

‘Yes thank you, what can I get you.’

‘It was lovely wasn’t it’

‘Yes what can I get you.’

‘So did you go on anywhere after.’

‘Yes, what can I get you.’ I could sense Agatha was tying to hurry me along

‘I heard you went to the Blue Ram after’

‘I might have popped in for one on the way home. What can I get you.’

‘I heard you were in the Blue Ram till 3 in the morning and they had to get that big lad off of the door to get you out.’

‘It wasn’t that late.’

‘I heard you were drinking brown ale whiskey chasers.'

I might have had a couple of drinks.'

‘I heard you were drinking brown ale of your shoe and you said you wished you hadn't had espadrilles on.’

‘Who said that? snapped Agatha sharply

‘I was talking to Mavis off of the checkout, she said you had a right old time.’

‘I knew it, I’ll flatten that Mavis one of these days.'

I could sense things getting a little feisty so I picked a few things off the shelf and left.

Saturday, 22 July 2017


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie …

…. Agatha was mingling at the Jackson-Pollocks

People were gathered in small groups chatting and a piano was tinkling in the background.

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘I see you made it then. You look different with your clothes on.’

‘Pardon’ said Agatha a little taken aback

‘I mean I only ever see you in your overalls.’ I clarified ‘You look very fetching in your cocktail dress. It’s not often you see astrakhan these days. Why don’t you take your duffle off, it’s getting quite warm in here now.’

‘I’ll keep it on thank you very much.’

‘So errr’ I started ‘you were going to tell me about the vicar and Deidre Catchpole. Is it true then?’

‘Oh yes, she has had her eye on him ever since New Years, she quite fancies herself as the vicar’s wife.’

‘I’m not sure the bishop would approve of that, Deidre Catchpole has a bit of a chequered history. She has been on Crimestoppers more than once.’

‘Well yes, but to be fair the first time wasn’t really her fault. It was a complete accident she ended up in a skip with a stolen trumpet and drum kit ... and nothing was ever proved.’

‘I suppose, but she does seem to attract a certain amount of trouble and the bishop is very sensitive about these things.’ I glanced around and noticed people gathering at a table ‘I’m just going to the buffet, can I get you anything?’

‘I’ll have a peach melba.’ responded Agatha with a satisfied look of triumph on her face.

Saturday, 15 July 2017


Agatha was still at the Patisserie counter as I ended my call …

‘Is that that Deidre Catchpole you were on about?’ she asked

‘Were you listening to my conversation?’ I was shocked

‘I can’t help over hearing a certain amount, you are standing right at the counter.’

‘I suppose so … yes it was Deidre Catchpole we were discussing. Do you know her?’

‘Oh yes, I know all about Deidre Catchpole, she thinks she is the kipper’s whiskers ever since she started knocking off the vicar.’

‘She's been knock … seeing the vicar?’ I said, surprised at this news ‘The vicar kept that quiet, no one knows about that.’

‘Oh no, it’s common knowledge, he’s been keeping her in stockings and bath salts for ages. I know all about the vicar.  I could tell you a few tales about the vicar.’

‘Oh yes?  So err ... ’ I adopted an air of affected disinterest 'did I hear you say you were going to the Jackson-Pollocks do? maybe we can have a little chat.'

Saturday, 8 July 2017


… from last week …

Agatha was still at the Patisserie … waiting while I phoned the vicar. I pressed speed dial and got straight through.

Agatha was tapping her tongs on the counter top an impatient look on her face.

‘Just getting through to the vicar’ I explained

‘It’s me’ I said ‘ah ok I’ll hold.’ I put my hand over the phone and told Agatha the vicar wouldn’t be a minute he was just rubbing through his hassocks.

Agatha took a deep sigh ‘Look I’ve got a queue forming.’

‘I’ll just be a minute …’hello’ I said as the vicar picked up ‘What’s this about you going to a do at the Jackson-Pollocks‘ I said as I put my hand to my ear 'I see.’ I said as the vicar spoke

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Well are you not allowed to bring a friend? ... Oh you are bringing a friend.  
What friend? …. Deidre Catchpole? …. Deidre Catchpole!'  I repeated ‘and how long has she been a friend? ’

‘I see.’

‘You met her in the Blue Ram on New Years ....I was in the Blue Ram that night I don’t remember seeing her.’

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'She must have had her tag removed then … oh she has had her tag removed.’

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Well I'm not sure the bishop would approve of you consorting with Deidre Catchpole.

‘I see.’

‘I see.’
'The bishop doesn't know about her?  Well he might find out.'  I let that hang in the air for a few moments.

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Blackmail isn't a very nice word.  

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

So that's arranged then, you will tell Deirdre Catchpole something has come up and you will pick me up in the Anglia at 8 o'clock - that's very thoughtful of you. 

Saturday, 1 July 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Can I have a look at your bloomers ... ha ha. eeh that makes me laugh every time.’

Agatha didn’t look amused ‘What do you want?’ she responded ‘I haven’t got time for your nonsense today, I’ve got a rush order on.’

‘I thought you had’ I replied as I looked over the counter into the back room ‘Looks like a lot of cakes your getting together back there, what’s that for?’

‘We have an order off of the Jackson-Pollocks, they are off to Bangkok on an extended stay and are having a bit of a ‘bon voyage’ do.’ I grimaced at Agatha’s attempted French accent.

‘They are having a do?' I queried 'I didn’t know about that, why have I not been invited?’

‘Oh haven’t you been invited'  said Agatha with the beginnings of a smirk 'I’m going’ she continued.

‘Are you?’ I snapped ‘It must be one of their parties for domestics' I said recovering a little 'they have them all the time. I only go to their parties for their more … select acquaintances.’

Agatha bristled ‘Well the vicar is going, he’s not a domestic. Anyway what do you mean ‘domestics?’

‘The vicar’s going?’ I said as I took out my phone ‘He never told me that …’

 … to be continued