Showing posts with label Sainsbury's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sainsbury's. Show all posts

Saturday, 16 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear' I said 'I think I'll have a change this week.  I've got the vicar coming round for sandwiches so instead of my usual sliced multi-seeded, I think I'll have a cottage loaf.'

'We haven't got any' replied Agatha

'You haven't got a cottage loaf?' I replied in disbelief 'you must have, all bakers have cottage loaves.'

'Well I haven't I can do you a farmhouse.' she offered as an alternative

'It's not the same.'

'It's almost the same, a farmhouse is nearly a cottage.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is, farmers sometimes live in cottages.'

'What's that got to do with it.'

'I'm just saying.'

'I wanted a cottage loaf, I saw a ice one on the Bake off.'

'I should have known.'

'What do you mean by that.'

'Nothing, just when that programme is on, you always come in wanting fancy things.'

'No I don't, a cottage loaf isn't fancy.'

'It is in here.   Why don't I do you a large farmhouse and a small farmhouse and you can put the small one on top of the large one and make your own cottage loaf.'

'That's daft.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take them.'

I don't know what the vicar is going to say.

Saturday, 9 September 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

As I said good morning I noticed a small cottage loaf on the counter ‘Oh is that an illusion cake?’ I asked

‘No it’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It is an illusion cake, how clever.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘I’ve seen these things on the telly, they look like one thing but they are something else.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It looks just like a cottage loaf.’

‘It is a cottage loaf.’

‘But I bet it’s a cake.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘How exciting, when you slice into it is it a chocolate cake

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Or a lemon drizzle perhaps?’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Go on cut it in half now.’

‘Now? don’t you want to wait until you get home?’

‘No I can’t wait, go on slice it in half now. Agatha picked up a bread knife and cut the item in two.

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’ I said disappointed ‘Why didn’t you say.’ Sometimes that Agatha can be dead awkward.

Saturday, 26 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’ Agatha busied herself getting my order and placed my items on the counter.

'Oh while i remember' she said 'from next week the Patisserie won't be opening until 8 o'clock.'

'8 o'clock?'

'8 o'clock'.

'What do you mean 8 o'clock.'

'I mean we won't be open until 8 o'clock'.

'But I am always back home by 8 o'clock, what am I going to do about my peach melbas and my large multi-seeded if you don't open until 8 o'clock.'

'There's nothing I can do about it, we had a memo from Head Office, we won't be opening until 8 o'clock and that is that.'

'A memo? What did this memo say about my peach melbas.'

'They weren't mentioned.'

‘I find it hard to believe that a memo from Head Office on such an important matter would fail to mention my peach melbas.’

‘Well it didn’t.’

'Are you sure?'

‘What am I going to do?’

‘You will have to have one of those packaged cake boxes instead.’

‘Oh no I don’t think so.’

I don’t know what to do now … I wonder what time the Co-Op opens.

Saturday, 19 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Oh it's you, I'm surprised to see you, what with your fancy Bake off programme on';

'It's not started yet, anyway it's not fancy';

'It's a menace, that's what it is, a menace.  It ruins my trade';

'How can it be a menace, it's just a baking programme';

'It's a menace, it put fancy ideas in peoples heads. People like you coming in wanting opera cakes and sachertortes, it ruins my forward orders  And I remember the catcalls in the street I got the the last time it was on "Ooh there's her with the soggy bottom" and "I bet she has got big bloomers", I was an emotional wreck. I could sue that Mary Berry.'

'I am sorry you were an emotional wreck, I didn't mean to bring it all back.'

'It's all right, what can I get you?'

'Can I have two op ... remalbas.'

'What's an opramelba.'

'Sorry just melbas.'

I think I just got away with it there.

Saturday, 12 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual, but no peach melbas.’

‘No peach melbas.’ repeated Agatha in a startled tone

‘No peach melbas.’

‘What’s wrong, you always have peach melbas. You like to have them in in case the vicar calls round.’

‘I’ve had it with peach melbas, they are nothing but trouble.’

‘How can a peach melba be trouble?’

‘They just are.’

‘Go on … have a couple.’


‘Go on … we have just got some in, they are dead fresh.’


‘Go on … I've got all these to shift ... I mean ... you know you like them.'

'What do you mean you have just got some in and they are fresh?  I thought they were fresh every week, you told me you made them fresh especially for me.'

'Did I? oh err yes I did didn't I that's what I charge you the extra 20p for. 

'I don't know, the Bake off is on again soon so I might start making my own.'

Agatha turned to the kitchen door and shouted 'Margaret we could be losing one here get the sly cakes out.'

'Look' said Agatha as she leaned over the counter and lowered her voice. 'why don't you take two peach melbas and I can let you have a pack of four sly cakes and I will just charge you the normal price for the lot.  I can't say fairer than that.' offered Agatha giving a shrug of her shoulders 

'Ok well go on then.' I replied 

I think I got a bargain there.

Saturday, 5 August 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual.  Oh but you better make it three peach meblas instead of two in case the vicar brings that Deidre Catchpole round with him.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Although what he sees in here I don't know.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'I mean it's not as if she is good looking.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'And that laugh, it's like a corncrake. It goes right through me.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'What's that?'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'


'Deidre ... Deidre Catchpole. I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Oh? why not.'

'There's been' Agatha lowered her voice  'well let's just call it an incident.'

'What sort of incident?'

'She was caught in Aldi wearing a duffel coat.'

'There's nothing wrong with wearing a duffel, its not against the law, even if you are in Aldi.'

'What, in this heat ... I don't think so, anyway it wasn't wearing a duffel that got her into bother it was the four frozen chickens she got from the deep freeze and had stashed under it that they did her for.  She passed out just yards from the front door and started shivering with the cold.  They said if they hadn't had a thermal blanket to hand she would have ended up in casualty.  It was only after they tucked the blanket in the found the chickens.  Needless to say the vicar wasn't pleased when he found out.  He said he thought they should cool it for a bit and Deidre said she didn't think that was very funny and they've not spoken since.'

My head was reeling with this new information, I said I'd just have the two peach melbas and I left.

Saturday, 29 July 2017


Agatha was back at the Patisserie …

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘nice to see you back, did you have a nice time at the Jackson-Pollocks.’

‘Yes thank you, what can I get you.’

‘It was lovely wasn’t it’

‘Yes what can I get you.’

‘So did you go on anywhere after.’

‘Yes, what can I get you.’ I could sense Agatha was tying to hurry me along

‘I heard you went to the Blue Ram after’

‘I might have popped in for one on the way home. What can I get you.’

‘I heard you were in the Blue Ram till 3 in the morning and they had to get that big lad off of the door to get you out.’

‘It wasn’t that late.’

‘I heard you were drinking brown ale whiskey chasers.'

I might have had a couple of drinks.'

‘I heard you were drinking brown ale of your shoe and you said you wished you hadn't had espadrilles on.’

‘Who said that? snapped Agatha sharply

‘I was talking to Mavis off of the checkout, she said you had a right old time.’

‘I knew it, I’ll flatten that Mavis one of these days.'

I could sense things getting a little feisty so I picked a few things off the shelf and left.

Saturday, 22 July 2017


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie …

…. Agatha was mingling at the Jackson-Pollocks

People were gathered in small groups chatting and a piano was tinkling in the background.

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘I see you made it then. You look different with your clothes on.’

‘Pardon’ said Agatha a little taken aback

‘I mean I only ever see you in your overalls.’ I clarified ‘You look very fetching in your cocktail dress. It’s not often you see astrakhan these days. Why don’t you take your duffle off, it’s getting quite warm in here now.’

‘I’ll keep it on thank you very much.’

‘So errr’ I started ‘you were going to tell me about the vicar and Deidre Catchpole. Is it true then?’

‘Oh yes, she has had her eye on him ever since New Years, she quite fancies herself as the vicar’s wife.’

‘I’m not sure the bishop would approve of that, Deidre Catchpole has a bit of a chequered history. She has been on Crimestoppers more than once.’

‘Well yes, but to be fair the first time wasn’t really her fault. It was a complete accident she ended up in a skip with a stolen trumpet and drum kit ... and nothing was ever proved.’

‘I suppose, but she does seem to attract a certain amount of trouble and the bishop is very sensitive about these things.’ I glanced around and noticed people gathering at a table ‘I’m just going to the buffet, can I get you anything?’

‘I’ll have a peach melba.’ responded Agatha with a satisfied look of triumph on her face.

Saturday, 15 July 2017


Agatha was still at the Patisserie counter as I ended my call …

‘Is that that Deidre Catchpole you were on about?’ she asked

‘Were you listening to my conversation?’ I was shocked

‘I can’t help over hearing a certain amount, you are standing right at the counter.’

‘I suppose so … yes it was Deidre Catchpole we were discussing. Do you know her?’

‘Oh yes, I know all about Deidre Catchpole, she thinks she is the kipper’s whiskers ever since she started knocking off the vicar.’

‘She's been knock … seeing the vicar?’ I said, surprised at this news ‘The vicar kept that quiet, no one knows about that.’

‘Oh no, it’s common knowledge, he’s been keeping her in stockings and bath salts for ages. I know all about the vicar.  I could tell you a few tales about the vicar.’

‘Oh yes?  So err ... ’ I adopted an air of affected disinterest 'did I hear you say you were going to the Jackson-Pollocks do? maybe we can have a little chat.'

Saturday, 8 July 2017


… from last week …

Agatha was still at the Patisserie … waiting while I phoned the vicar. I pressed speed dial and got straight through.

Agatha was tapping her tongs on the counter top an impatient look on her face.

‘Just getting through to the vicar’ I explained

‘It’s me’ I said ‘ah ok I’ll hold.’ I put my hand over the phone and told Agatha the vicar wouldn’t be a minute he was just rubbing through his hassocks.

Agatha took a deep sigh ‘Look I’ve got a queue forming.’

‘I’ll just be a minute …’hello’ I said as the vicar picked up ‘What’s this about you going to a do at the Jackson-Pollocks‘ I said as I put my hand to my ear 'I see.’ I said as the vicar spoke

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Well are you not allowed to bring a friend? ... Oh you are bringing a friend.  
What friend? …. Deidre Catchpole? …. Deidre Catchpole!'  I repeated ‘and how long has she been a friend? ’

‘I see.’

‘You met her in the Blue Ram on New Years ....I was in the Blue Ram that night I don’t remember seeing her.’

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'She must have had her tag removed then … oh she has had her tag removed.’

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Well I'm not sure the bishop would approve of you consorting with Deidre Catchpole.

‘I see.’

‘I see.’
'The bishop doesn't know about her?  Well he might find out.'  I let that hang in the air for a few moments.

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Blackmail isn't a very nice word.  

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

So that's arranged then, you will tell Deirdre Catchpole something has come up and you will pick me up in the Anglia at 8 o'clock - that's very thoughtful of you. 

Saturday, 1 July 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Can I have a look at your bloomers ... ha ha. eeh that makes me laugh every time.’

Agatha didn’t look amused ‘What do you want?’ she responded ‘I haven’t got time for your nonsense today, I’ve got a rush order on.’

‘I thought you had’ I replied as I looked over the counter into the back room ‘Looks like a lot of cakes your getting together back there, what’s that for?’

‘We have an order off of the Jackson-Pollocks, they are off to Bangkok on an extended stay and are having a bit of a ‘bon voyage’ do.’ I grimaced at Agatha’s attempted French accent.

‘They are having a do?' I queried 'I didn’t know about that, why have I not been invited?’

‘Oh haven’t you been invited'  said Agatha with the beginnings of a smirk 'I’m going’ she continued.

‘Are you?’ I snapped ‘It must be one of their parties for domestics' I said recovering a little 'they have them all the time. I only go to their parties for their more … select acquaintances.’

Agatha bristled ‘Well the vicar is going, he’s not a domestic. Anyway what do you mean ‘domestics?’

‘The vicar’s going?’ I said as I took out my phone ‘He never told me that …’

 … to be continued

Saturday, 24 June 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello' I said 'you back from your disa ... holiday?'

'Holiday? Oh yes I'm back.'

'I see you have peach melbas on the shelves again.'

Agatha looked a little cross 'Yes we are selling them again, back by popular demand. Do you want a couple?'

'No, I think I have gone off them a bit, and anyway I don't think I can afford them.  They were getting quite expensive before you stopped selling them.'

'As you like, what can I get you.'

'Although' I said and paused 'I heard you could get them on the black market at a knock off price.'

'I wouldn't know anything about that. what can I get you' continued Agatha trying to hurry me along.

'I heard some old dear was flogging them off round the back of the community center.'

'I wouldn't say old.'

'Oh, so someone was selling them knock off.'

'I don't know' said Agatha a little flustered 'do you want serving or not, I've got a queue forming.'

'I heard she was shrouded in a cloud of Embassy Regal selling melbas.'

'It was no 10.'  Agatha slapped her hand over her mouth.

'Ah ha, so it was you, I knew it!  I will have two peach melbas, and I think these ones might be at a discount price?'

'I'll put a sticker on, say the pastry is smashed in.'

'That will be very nice thank you.'

A bargain for once.

Saturday, 17 June 2017


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie …

… Margaret was placing doughnuts on a shelf with her tongs

‘Oh hello Margaret’ I said ‘Is your Agatha not on today?’

‘No she is on a dis .. holiday, she is on holiday.’

‘You were going to say a disciplinary weren’t you? What she done this time?’

Margaret put her tongs down and looked around, leaning over the counter as she confided ‘the manger found out she had been stashing peach melbas and selling them round the back of the community centre. He was furious, he only found out after the vicar collared him in the Blue Ram, complaining about how we don’t do peach melbas any more.’

‘What she like! So you have peach melbas in then?’

‘Yes we have loads, how many do you want?’

‘I’ll have two.’

Margaret picked up her tongs and busied herself getting my cakes. ‘I’ll just pop them in a box for you.’

‘I must say this is lovely service.’

‘When your Agatha is on she can be a little brusque.’

Margaret stopped what she was doing.

‘Sometimes my cakes are all bashed in at the side’ Margaret stared at me with a stricken look on her face.

‘She can be a bit rough with them and sometimes there is a little thumb print in the cream.’ Margaret started shaking her head frozen to the spot

‘She is standing behind me isn’t she?’ I hurriedly picked up my cakes and left.

Saturday, 10 June 2017


At the Patisserie ...

‘What can I get you?’ asked Agatha

‘I’ll have a couple of eccle … I suddenly remembered the scene from last week and changed tack …’Melbas’ I finished.

‘couple of ecclemelbas? What’s an ecclemelba?’

‘Not ecclemelbas' I corrected 'a couple of peach melbas.’

‘You said ecclemelba.’

‘Never mind that, I’ll have two peach melbas.’

‘I told you we stopped doing them, there was no demand.’

‘I forgot. What else have you got then .. and nothing with currants in.’ I added hurriedly

‘What about an ├ęclair.’

‘That’s a good idea, have you got the round ones?’

‘No, we only do the finger ones.’

I was disappointed ‘Have you not got the round ones?’


‘Oh good, I’ll have two.’

‘I told you, we haven’t got any.’

‘You just said you did.’

‘I didn’t I said Yes we not got them.'

‘I don’t like the finger ones, I only like the round ones.’

‘That’s daft, they are the same.’

‘No there’re not, they taste different.’

Agatha gave a sigh 'I've only got the finger ones, do you want them or not?'

'Go on then, I'll have two ... oh and don't arrange them like you did my finger doughnuts, the vicar was shoked.

Saturday, 3 June 2017


... continued from last week ...

Agatha tore off a piece of Eccles cake and handed it over.  I took a tentative bite

‘It's got currants in.'

'I know, it's an Eccles cake.'

'You know I don't like currants.'

'I forgot.'

'We had this out when you tried to con me into buying four bath buns.'

'I wouldn't say con.' said Agatha defensively.

'You knew they had currants in them.'

'I thought they were raisins.'

'It's the same thing.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is.'

'What's the difference then?' demanded Agatha

'Well currants are sort of curranty and raisins are more ... well raisiny.'

'That's daft.  Do you want Eccles cakes or not?'

'I'm not sure, they seem quite big.'

'You can cut them into quarters.' suggested Agatha



'Eccles cakes are circular and a quarter of a circle is a quadrant, not a quarter.'

'Are you trying to be funny.'

'I'm just saying.'

'Well don't.'

'Have you got any square Eccles cakes?'

Agatha threw her tongs on the counter and shouted 'Margaret come and serve this customer' then left the counter and went out the back

I wonder what is wrong with her.

Wednesday, 24 May 2017


Agatha was at the patisserie and she was at the counter when I arrived.

‘Morning’ she said … ‘I’ve been thinking’ she continued ‘what with us not doing macaroons, I thought you might want to try eccles cakes.’

‘Oh no’ I said ‘we have had this all out before. I don’t think they are suitable, they are more for people from Yorkshire or truck drivers. I don’t think the vicar would like them.’

‘Nonsense; contradicted Agatha ‘you see him over there’ Agatha indicated the cereals aisle with her cake slice ‘he has just bought some eccles cakes.’

‘Has he? What does he do then?’

‘Well he is a truck driver’ admitted Agatha ‘but that’s not the point. He is perfectly respectable.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Go on try one.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Go on, I’ll cut you off a corner.’

‘They are round.’


‘Eccles cakes … they are round, you said you would cut me off a corner, you can't ... they don’t have corners.’

Agatha set her mouth ‘Do you want a sample or not.’

‘Go on then … a sample .. not a corner.' ... to be continued.

Saturday, 20 May 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said as Agatha arranged her items on the patisserie shelves.

I quite liked those macaroons you sold me last week. I wasn’t sure at first. The vicar said they were very sophisticated. A lot more sophisticated than peach melbas, he said. I wondered what he meant by that, was he saying my peach melbas weren’t sophisticated … well not my peach melbas exactly, more your peach melbas, but you know what I mean. Well anyway the vicar said the macaroons were more sophisticated because you could put them in your saucer next to your teacup while you were chatting. “Ha ha” he said you couldn’t do that with a peach melba! I wasn’t so sure about putting your macaroon in your saucer as I thought the chocolate ones would melt a bit, well the side that touched your teacup would that is, as the tea is hot, and by the time you left space for your teaspoon there wouldn't really be much space .... but, I thought I would try your macaroons again, I’ll have six; two strawberry ones; two lemon ones and two chocolate ones.'

‘We have stopped doing them.’

Saturday, 13 May 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted.  I thought I would have a little joke with Agatha 'I see you have a new President'.


'With you being a French Patisserie ... a new President.' I added



'You want some macaroons?'

'No ...Macron.'

'Just the one macaroon?  We don't sell them in ones, people usually buy six.'

'I don't want macaroons.'

'I'll give you an assortment.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'Two of each colour.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'I'll put them in a box for you.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'I'll use a nice box, since your buying six.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'Do you want me to tie the box up with some ribbon?'

'I don't want macaroons.'

'I'll just pop them in your trolley for you.  Next!' shouted Agatha

I've got six macaroons now, and I'm not sure I like them.  I think I have been done.

Saturday, 6 May 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said

Agatha was in a new pinny, all summery and frilly ‘What can I get you this week?’ she asked

‘Oh I see you have a new pinny.’

‘Yes' grumbled Agatha 'it’s the new uniform.’ she continued with a look of disdain on her face

‘Don’t you like it?’

‘Not really. These frills are death traps. I caught one in the oven door yesterday I was trapped for twenty minutes with three dozen apple pies on regulo 5.’

‘Oh dear. It is a bit frilly I suppose, you’re not really a frilly person.’

‘What do you mean by that.’

‘Err nothing’ I faltered … ‘it's just ... you’re more … sturdy.’


‘Well not sturdy exactly … more … err … robust … yes, that’s a better word … robust.’

‘Are you looking for a fat lip.’

'I wasn't meaning anything, just that you're not a frills person.'

I picked up my multi-seeded sliced and left before things got ugly. You have to watch every word with that woman.

Saturday, 29 April 2017


still at the Patisserie ...

'What's wrong with custard tarts?' queried Agatha

'They have connotations.'


'Yes ... well ... you know.'

'I don't know.'

'You do .. tarts .. and that.'

'Tarts and that?'

'Yes ... you know ... I can't give the vicar tarts can I? He might think I am suggesting a tarts and vicars party.'

'Oh for goodness sake.  ‘A Couple of fairy cakes then?'

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Cream horns?’

‘Oh no.’

‘Well what then?’

‘Have you not got anything else?’

‘Have I not got anything else?’



‘Go on then give me a couple of peach melbas.’

I wonder if ASDAs have a patisserie.