Showing posts with label Sainsbury's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sainsbury's. Show all posts

Saturday, 12 May 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’

Agatha collected my items and returned to the counter

‘Any news on your ASDA front’ I asked

Agatha looked puzzled ‘my ASDA front?’

‘Yes, you know your merger with ASDAs, that could mean big changes.’

‘Ah yes, we had a meeting for all the staff about that … it was a big meeting … in the car park.’

‘Oh that sounds exciting, it wasn’t of a Wednesday was it?’

‘Of Wednesday?’

‘Yes, I thought it got a bit cold of the Wednesday.’

‘Did it?’

‘Yes I thought so, it was lovely of a Monday, what with it being the bank holiday.’

‘It was.’

‘We never get nice weather of a bank holiday.’

‘We don’t.’

‘I remember one bank holiday, it was that cold there was snow of the afternoon.’

‘There wasn’t!’ said Agatha shocked

‘There was, it was the early May bank holiday … or was if of an Easter … I remember our Beattie came round and she said eeh isn’t it cold of a bank holiday … or did she say eeh isn’t it cold of an Easter.’

‘It can get cold of an Easter.’ agreed Agatha nodding her head

‘It can, well it can be early can’t it, hardly out of winter sometimes. I remember it was that cold that Easter the daffs weren’t out. I said it won’t be like of an Easter without daffs will it, and our Beattie said it wouldn’t, mind I said I don’t suppose they had daffs in the Palestine in Jesus’s day.

Agatha made a sign of the cross ‘No’ she said ‘they wouldn’t, it would be too hot.’

‘It would, I bet it can get really hot in the Palestine and where Jesus was, but they have that sea don’t they, the sea of Gallifrey, that would help you cool down a bit.’ Agatha gave a sigh ‘anyway what were we talking about?’

‘I have no idea.’ said Agatha

I picked up my items and left. Sometimes that woman just rambles on

Saturday, 5 May 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have the usual.’ Agatha busied herself getting my items.

'Bet it was a bit of a shock, the merger.'

'What?' asked Agatha as she looked for her tongs

'The merger with ASDA, bet you were all shocked.'

'Oh that, I don't think it will effect us, we run a premium service on the Patisserie.'

'Oh I wouldn't be so sure, they might move you around a bit, they might put you up the ASDA on the estate, at the back of the retail park.'

'I couldn't do up there, I'd need two buses.' Agatha was starting to look a bit worried 'It would take ages.'

'And it's rough.'

'I've heard that.'

'They have bouncers on the crisp aisle.'

Agatha gave a little gasp 'and the manager is dead strict, he used to be a prison guard.'

'Did he?'

'Yes, he once sacked someone because one of his fingers went missing.'

Agatha gave a little shriek, I saw the look of alarm on her face. 'Ha no I meant a doughnut finger.'

Agatha clasped a hand to her chest 'You gave me a right fright there.'

‘And I’ve heard he is very strict over the stock.’

‘Is he?’

‘Yes, they are always doing stock takes, and if there is at least as much as a sultana missing he knows about it.’

‘That could seriously impact my business.’ muttered Agatha

‘Sorry what was that?’

‘Err nothing’ said Agatha I was just thinking, she looked very distracted as I offered a fiver for my items

‘No that’s fine have them’ she said ‘I’ll see you next week’ and with that she wandered off.

That is so not like her, I wonder what is wrong.

Saturday, 28 April 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have the usual.’ Agatha busied herself getting my items.

‘Anyway’ I said ‘I just remembered, last week you said the rat man had been in, what was that all about.’

Agatha stopped in her tracks, ‘eerr no I didn’t say rat man, I said the Vat man.’

‘Are you sure, it sounded like you said the rat man.’

‘No, no, of course not.’ she said with a nervous laugh ‘ it was the Vat man .. he came in to … errr …’

‘Do the VAT?’ I offered

‘Err yes that is what he did, he came in to do the VAT.’

‘Quick! What's that running across the floor?’ I shouted and pointed towards the back door.

Agatha screamed and leapt up onto the customer chair next to the counter. ‘where, where’ she shouted trembling on the chair

‘Ha ha nothing I said I was just kidding.’

‘Very funny’ said Agatha as she climbed down off the chair. She picked up a couple of melbas and put them next to my multi-seeded sliced. ‘Did you want anything else?’

‘No thank you’ I said with a smile as I picked up my items and left.

There is something she isn’t telling me.

Saturday, 21 April 2018


From last week …

Agatha was making me up a box of mixed cakes

‘So … eerr Deidre Catchpole was in through the week.’ I prompted

Agatha picked up a vanilla slice and placed it in a box next to a madeleine she returned her attention to the cake display and paused while she decided which other cakes to select. ‘What about a horn?’ she asked

‘I beg your pardon.’

‘Would you like a cream horn for your mixed selection?’

‘Oh I see, err yes please.’

‘Yes she came in late on Tuesday, or was it of a Wednesday, Margaret!’ shouted Agatha out the back ‘was it of a Tuesday or of a Wednesday that Deidre Catchpole was in through the week?’ after a moment there was a muffled “Wednesday” shouted back from Margaret ‘That’s right it was of a Wednesday ‘cause the rat man had just been in, she said she had an emergency afternoon tea to do and wanted some peach melbas.’

No prizes for guessing who the peach melbas were for ‘I thought you only did peach melbas of a weekend?’ I queried

‘We do’ said Agatha ‘she was most upset.’

‘So what did you do.’

‘It was late on and we hadn’t much left, I let her have a couple of éclairs.’

‘Oh éclairs.’ I said dismissively

‘I know.’ said Agatha

‘Finger ones?’


Common as muck I thought as I gathered up my purchases and left.

Wait a minute … rat man?

Saturday, 14 April 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’

‘I’ll be with you in a moment, have a seat while you are waiting.’

‘Have a seat.’ I said, a little perplexed

‘Yes, take a seat.’ she replied and pointed to my left. I looked around and saw a tatty old kitchen chair propped up against the wall

‘I’m not sitting on that rickety old thing.’

‘Nonsense, that’s a marvellous old chair, the old king used to sit on it while he waited for his rolls.’

‘The old king!’ I exclaimed ‘exactly how long have you been here, anyway I’m not sitting on that it doesn’t look very comfortable.’ Why would the old king sit here waiting for his car I wondered.

‘Margaret’ Agatha shouted out the back ‘get that cushion out the ski .. cupboard and bring it through for my gentleman.’

“My gentleman” what is going on I thought. A few moments later the backroom door open and Margaret came into the Patisserie carrying a cushion, she banged off the side of the counter and a dust cloud rose in the air. ‘It’s for my gentleman over there’ said Agatha pointing towards me with a pair of tongs.

‘I must say this is all very attentive’ although I wasn’t too sure about the safety of the chair nor the cleanliness of the cushion.

‘Nothing is too good for my customers’ said Agatha ‘What can I get you? peach melbas, or a box of eccles cakes, perhaps a little extra something this week, splash out a bit.’

‘Oh I see what this is all about, you are just trying to get more money out of me, well I’m sorry it won’t work, I’ve only got so much to spend and that is that.’

‘I see’ said Agatha ‘SO I can’t tempt you with a little extra?’


‘Are you sure?’


‘I see.’ repeated Agatha ‘I suppose you know Deidre Catchpole was in through the week?’

‘Was she?’


‘I’ve not seen her for ages, I thought she had stopped coming in here.’

'She had, but she started again.’

‘I wonder what she wanted.’ I mused

‘I’m not sure.’ said Agatha ‘maybe if I had a bit more time to think, I would remember, but you have your order completed now … maybe if I was making up a box of cakes … that would give me time to think on …’

‘Well I suppose a few extra cakes won’t go amiss, give me half a dozen mixed, no éclairs.’

To be continued …

Saturday, 7 April 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my ….’

‘I’ve got your Simnel cake here.’ said Agatha interrupting me before I had a chance to finish

‘My what? I wasn’t after a Simnel cake.’

‘You took one last week, went on about it for ages you did.’

‘Yes I remember, I got a very frosty look from the vicar when I tried to pass off a pixie as St Peter.’

‘They weren’t pixies they was elves’ corrected Agatha

‘Whatever, that’s not the point, Simnel cakes are over now.’

‘Over, what am I going to do with this box of Chris … Simnel cakes.’

‘Chrisimnel cakes?’

‘Nothing, never mind, are you sure you don’t want a Simnel cake?’

‘Quite sure I’ll have two peach melbas, I’ve not had any for ages.’

‘Not four?’


‘and a couple of eccles cakes?’

‘No eccles cakes.’

‘Just the melbas then … ‘

‘Just the melbas’

‘and no eccles cake.’

‘That is what I said.’

‘I’ve got a living to make.’

‘It’s all I want.’

‘Are you sure.’


'I could do you a special offer.'

'I'm not sure I can afford your special offers' and with that I picked up my items and left. In the distance I heard someone shout 'Margaret, quick get a tray of cakes and get round to the front door, I think we are losing one.'

Saturday, 31 March 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual when you have a minute but instead of peach melbas I’ll have one of your Simnel cakes this week, what with it being of an Easter.’

‘You don't want any eccles cakes?’ asked Agatha ‘I’ve got a box of them ready for you.’

‘No, to tell the truth I’m a bit sick of eccles cakes, I’ve had a lot of them over the last few weeks. I’ll stick to tradition and have a Simnel cake.’

‘Ah well …’ said Agatha as she looked around the shelves.

‘What “Ah well”’ I said

‘I thought you would be wanting of eccles cakes, I haven’t really got much else,we have had a bit of a run on Simnel cakes, I’ve only got one left.’

‘A run on Simnel cakes, I don’t believe it, who has been buying them?’

‘Everyone has been after them, like I say, I’ve just got this.’ Agatha searched under the counter and brought out a cake.

‘That is a Christmas cake?’ I said

‘No it’s not, it is a Simnel cake.’

‘It looks like a Christmas cake, look at the snow decorations.’

‘It could have snowed, we have had snow at Easter before.’

‘There wasn’t any snow in the Middle East, not at Easter anyway.’

‘and look at those decorations, they are elves.’

‘No they aren’t, they are Apostles.’

‘The Apostles didn’t wear stripy green tights.’

‘You don’t know that.’

‘No it won’t do, I can't serve a Simnel cake to the vicar and Clarisse Peffington-Smythe with elves on, they will be expecting apostles and anyway there are only six on the cake, and there were twelve apostles.’

‘I could cut them in half.’ Suggested Agatha

‘You can’t cut the apostles in half, it wouldn’t be right.’

'Well it's all I've got.'

'I don't know ...'

'I could bunch the elves ... errr the apostles ... up one end into a crowd, they might not notice.'

'I'm not sure.'

'It's all I've got.' repeated Agatha

'Oh go on then.' I said with a sigh 'I'll take it.'

As I left with my purchase I heard the 'kkkeeerrrrccchhhiiinnngggg noise again and heard Agatha shout out the back 'Margaret get that box of old fruit cakes out from the cupboard, I think I am onto a winner here.'

I wonder what that was all about.

Saturday, 24 March 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I'll have my usual when you have a minute.' Agatha busied herself getting my order.

Agatha put my items on the counter 'I told sister Immaculata what you said last week about eccles cakes.'

Agatha looked up 'Eccles cakes, what you on about.'

'Last week, those eccles cakes you sold me, you said as of how they were for Easter.'

'Oh yes, I vaguely remember something about that.'

'Well sister Immaculata said as of how Eccles was only founded in the 13th century and that they couldn't have had eccles cakes at the first Easter.'

'She is a right little clever clogs isn't she' muttered Agatha 'so what of it?'

'I think you sold me those eccles cakes under false pretences.'

'You what' said Agatha as she put her hands on her hips

'Err ... it's just ... err well ... sister Immaculata said she thought I had been swindled and duped.'

'Oh she did, did she.'

'Yes she said she thought you were a charlatan, she said that if this was Dodge city you would have been run out of town by now.'

'Sister Immaculata says a lot doesn't she, I suppose the vicar knows you spend a lot of time with the sisters.'

'Err well no, I'm not sure he would approve.'

'I bet he wouldn't.'

'No he is a bit old fashioned ... with the catholics and that.'

‘So you wouldn’t want the vicar to know?’

‘I don’t think we need to bother him with such things.’

‘I see’ said Agatha ‘I just hope I don’t say anything by mistake ... if I see him that is  ... in the Laughing Donkey.’

‘Err well maybe I could have some more of those eccles cakes, I don’t suppose what sister Immaculata says matters all that much.’

‘Excellent, so that’s six eccles cakes.’

‘Six! oh no four will be more than enough.’

‘Are you sure, I hear the vicar is rather partial … ‘ Agatha left the sentence hanging

I got Agatha’s meaning. ‘Go on then make it a half dozen.’

When I left I heard that ‘kkkeeerrrcchhhinnnnggggg noise again. I wonder what it is.

Saturday, 17 March 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I was wondering if you have your Easte range in yet.'

'Yes, we have a full range of Easter Patisserie items, what can Iget you?'

'Lovely, what have you got?'  I asked

'We have hot cross buns' Agatha paused

'Is that all?'

'err ... we have hot cross buns in packs.' said Agatha encouragingly

'That's disappointing, is that all you have, I might try ASDAs.'

'Err no, wait' said Agatha urgently 'we have ... 'Agatha looked around the Patisserie counter 'we have ..' she repeated 'Easter eccles cakes.'

'Easter eccles cakes? There's no such thing as Easter eccles cakes.'  

'There is' defended Agatha 'they had them at the last supper.'

'No they didn't, I've read about that, there was no mention of eccles cakes at the last supper.'

'Eerr no, they had them the day before, of the Wednesday.'

'No they didn't, that's daft.'

'So they could have hot cross buns, but not eccles cakes?' countered Agatha

'Oh I don't know, I never thought of that.'  

'Yes it is a very big Easter tradition, in err .. Yorkshire.'

'I didn't know that.'  Agatha could see I was weakening

'I could do you an offer, if you have your usual peach melbas I'll let you have four Easter eccles cakes at our usual price.'

'Oh thank you, I'll take them.'

When I left I heard that Kkkkeeeerrrrcchhhhiinnnngggg! noise again.

Saturday, 10 March 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have the usual when you have a minute.’

Agatha started to get my things off the shelves and struck up a bit of conversation when she got back to the counter. 'Anyway you never told me how the darts went the other week.'

'The darts?' I queried

'You said you were doing the darts with the holy fathers of the Mary contraption.'

'The Immaculate Conception' I corrected 'and it was the holy fathers of the Corpus Christi.'

'Whatever, so how did sister inoculated get on?'

'Sister Immaculata.' ... she was fine, they put her in charge of the Patisserie stall, they said she couldn't get into any trouble on a Patisserie stall.' Agatha bristled

'What Patisserie stall?' she demanded ' I run the Patisserie services round here, she didn't get no Patisserie stuff from me.'

I could see Agatha was getting cross 'Ah no' I said 'it was just a little stall' I tried to smooth Agatha's ruffled feathers ... 'a couple of things ... just light refreshments ... nothing as grand as you have here. Her bloomers were no where near as big as yours.'

'Well that's all right then, I can't have no nuns running Patisserie scams round here, that's what I am here for' Agatha stopped mid sentence 'selling choice Patisserie items that is, not running scams.' she corrected.

'Anyway here's your stuff' hastened Agatha 'I have to get on.'

“Choice Patisserie items” she said … “here's your stuff” she said … I wonder if ASDAs have a Patisserie.

Saturday, 3 March 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'eeh mind it's cold out this morning, that car park is dead slippery.'

'Yes it has been a cold few days, what can I get you?'

'I wasn't sure you would have your full range in, what with the snow and everything.'

'Yes we have been busy this week, I've had a lot of interest in my bloomers.'

'Ha ha, I bet you have, you need some nice big bloomers in this weather.'

'What.' said Agatha with pursed lips


'and my fancies have been selling like hot cakes.'

'ha ha' I laughed 'have you been heating them up?' I sniggered

'What?' said Agatha with a stern look


'Look I've been flat out all week and me feet are killing me, what do you want?'

'I'll have my usual.'

Honestly you can never get a laugh out of that woman.  Miserable old bag.

Saturday, 24 February 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have the usual when you have a minute.’

Agatha started to get my things and she was in a talkative mood this morning. ‘So are you up to much this afternoon?’ she asked as she put my sliced multi-seeded on the counter.

‘I am actually.’ I said ‘don’t tell the vicar, but I’m doing the scoring at the holy fathers of Corpus Christi annual darts tournament to raise money for a pilgrimage to Lourdes.’

‘Oh that sounds fun.’ said Agatha I could tell by her face she didn’t think it sounded fun at all. ‘Why are you doing the scoring, have they not got someone to do it.’

‘Ah well yes, they could do … sister Immaculata did it last year, but it ended up in a bit of a shambles.’

‘What happened?’ asked Agatha suddenly interested

‘I don’t know if you know sister Immaculata?’

‘Err no, not really we don’t see much of the little sisters of mercy round our way.’

‘Well sister Immaculata has never been good with numbers, she can’t tell 3s from 5s and father Dominic said her incompetence cost him the match. Sister Immaculata was livid … then father Dominic said he had never a met a nun so inaptly named.’ Sister Immaculata was furious … she said that father Dominic had obviously never met sister Virginia … and sister Virginia gave her a right look, she was dead cross, and said what did she mean by that crack. Then it all got a bit ugly.

Agatha was rolling her eyes ‘It is another world.’ she said ‘so then what happened?’

‘Well nothing really, mother superior came in and brought the whole event to an end. She said she didn’t know what the holy fathers were thinking of and then she made all the sisters leave. So they asked me if I would do it this year. They said it might avoid an unseemly repetition of last yeas’ fiasco.

Talking of which I need to get a move on, the vicar is coming round early so I can get to the holy fathers by 2 o’clock, and don’t forget, not a word to the vicar.’

I picked up my things and left, leaving Agatha shaking her head muttering ‘I don’t know why I talk to these people.’

Saturday, 17 February 2018


From last week ... Agatha was still at the Patisserie …

‘So, if I was interested in the eggs, how much are we talking?’

Agatha picked up a calculator ‘Let me see.’ she said as she switched it on ‘thirty eight eggs at £3 each is ... £152 and my expenses of £1 an egg’ she muttered ‘That’s £190.’

‘goodness, that’s a lot for a few eggs.’

‘It’s quite a few eggs, and they are top quality.’

‘I suppose’ I said reluctantly ‘I’ll have to think about it.’ Agatha stood and waited while I thought about it. I was tempted by a triumph over Clarisse when I offered her an Easter egg treat in August, I could just see her face. ‘Go on then, I’ll take them.’

‘That will be £190.’ said Agatha … ‘in advance.’

I took out my wallet, fortunately I had just been to the bank. I took out ten £20 notes and handed them over. ‘That’s £200 ‘ I confirmed

‘Don’t worry about the £10 difference, you can give it to me next time your in.’

‘Oh ok thank you, that is very kind.  When do I get my eggs? I don’t think I can manage them now.’

Agatha looked over her shoulder and scribbled on a scrap of paper. She handed the note over ‘It’s the back of the old Do It All on the industrial estate, if you pull into the car park at midnight on Tuesday I will be waiting. Oh and ask for Sid so I will recognise you.'

Ask for Sid? I thought, I was beginning to have doubts about this.

Saturday, 10 February 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie ..

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘I’ll have the usual.’ Agatha started getting my multi seeded and peach melbas. She placed them on the counter and leaned over. I caught a strong whiff of Capstan full strength. ‘So’ she began ‘do you want any more eggs?’


‘Yes eggs … chocolate eggs.’

‘Ah right, I am with you.’

‘I wondered if you wanted any more, I can get a few if you like.’

I wasn’t sure I needed any more chocolate eggs ‘I don’t know, how many were you thinking of?’

‘I might be able to get thirty eight.’

‘Thirty eight chocolate eggs!’ I exclaimed

‘Ssshhhh keep your voice down.. cautioned Agatha ‘We don’t want it getting out.’

I leaned over the counter and quietly whispered thirty eight chocolate eggs. ‘That’s a lot of eggs, what would I do with them I don’t think I know thirty eight people.’

Agatha could sense she was losing a sale ‘Well you don’t have to give them all away, you could keep some for through the year.’

‘I don’t know.’ I said doubtfully

Agatha could sense my hesitation ‘Chocolate doesn’t go off, imagine the vicar’s face if you were to serve Easter eggs in August.’

‘I’m not sure. The vicar is a bit of a traditionalist, I don’t think he would approve of Easter eggs in August, he might faint.’

‘Oh for goodness sake.’ muttered Agatha ‘Well your mate Clary Toffington-Sythe then.’

‘Clarisse Peffington-Smythe.’

‘That’s her. She would be impressed.’

‘You could be onto something there.’

To be continued …

Saturday, 3 February 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have the usual please.’  Agatha busied herself getting my things and when completed she placed them on the counter taking a quick look over both shoulders and leaned over the counter ‘So err …’ she began in a confidential whisper ‘you are after some chocolate eggs?’

‘Yes I haven’t been able to get any anywhere.’

‘I suppose’ she looked over her shoulder again ‘I could let you have some.’

‘You could? That would be really useful.’

‘For a consideration of course.’

‘A consideration?’

‘Well yes, you don’t suppose these things just happen, I have things to arrange, people to see.’

‘I suppose.’

‘and expenses’ she added


‘Like I say, chocolate eggs don’t just materialise out of thin air.’

‘I suppose not.’

‘How many eggs are we talking about?’

‘I was thinking a couple of buttons and a smarties.’

‘Is that all? It’s hardly worth it.’

‘I suppose I could take a few more, maybe double the order.’

‘That’s more like it. So can I put you down for four buttons and two smarties?’

‘OK, how much will that be?’

‘Three pounds each.’

‘So that’s £18’.

‘and my expenses of £1.’

‘I suppose that’s reasonable £19 in total.’

‘£1 per egg.’

‘How much!’

‘Well like I say, I have expenses, my time, travel etc.’

I was a bit dejected ‘that’s £24 then? I’ll bring the money next week.’

‘In advance.’


‘Like I say I have ...’

‘I know, you have expenses.’ I handed over a £20 and a £5

‘You won’t be wanting the change?’

‘Err no that’s ok.’ I picked up my items ‘I will see you next week then for my eggs.’

As I headed out the shop I heard Agatha call out ‘Margaret, get that crate of egg returns from out the back.’ Then I heard that ‘kkkeeeerrrrrccchhhiiiinggggg!’ noise again.

I wonder what that was all about.

Saturday, 27 January 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have the usual please.’  Agatha busied herself getting my things.  I had a quick look around to make sure there was no one near and I leaned casually over the counter.

‘So … err …’ I said ‘have you got any …’ I lowered my voice ‘eggs?’

Agatha stopped what she was doing ‘What’s that you’re saying?’ she asked

‘Eggs’ I whispered


‘You know … nudge, nudge … eggs …’

‘What’s wrong with your eyebrows?’

‘No man … “eggs”  I repeated

‘Eggs?’ shouted Agatha

‘Ssshhh, not so loud.’

‘What’s wrong with you?  There’s loads of eggs over on the back aisle.’

‘Not those eggs’ I looked around again to see if there was anyone around and lowered my voice ‘you know … chocolate ones.’

‘Chocolate eggs?’

‘Yes I thought that maybe with your connections you could get me some?’


‘You know … “connections”.’

‘Is there something the matter with your eye.’

‘No … you know … I thought maybe might you know someone with … connections … to chocolate eggs?’  I could meet you out the back in the car park when it gets dark.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘Someone told me you would be in the know, they wanted to be put down for two Buttons and a Smarties.’

Agatha put her hands on her hips ‘Who’s been telling you I hang about car parks in the dark?’ I could see Agatha was getting cross

‘Err no one,’ I was regretting mentioning eggs ‘just someone called Alan, you wouldn’t know him.’ 

I picked up my things and made a quick exit.

I don’t know what I am going to do about my Easter eggs now.

Saturday, 20 January 2018


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘Where’s your Chardonnay?’ I asked

‘Over on the back aisle with the other wines. Eeeh I’m dead funny me.’

‘I meant your Chardonnay, she was on the counter last week.’

‘I know, I was just having my little joke, is it the usual.’

‘Yes please.’ Agatha started getting my things

‘I had a nice little chat with your Chardonnay last week.’

‘Oh yes?’ Agatha stopped what she was doing ‘What did she say exactly?’

‘Oh nothing, not much just that you had a hit list of customers.’

‘I wouldn’t say ‘hit list’ exactly.’ Agatha slowly re-started getting my order ready.

‘What would you call it?’

‘Well err just a list of customers with … errr … specific requirements?’

‘Specific requirements?’

‘Well just things they like to be just so. Like your mate Clara Toffington-Sythe.’

‘Clarice Peffington-Smythe.’

‘That’s her. She can be a right faff, and I wouldn’t care but her granddad was a rag and bone man.’

I was suddenly interested ‘What was that about Clarice?’

‘Nothing just her granddad used to have a round over on the Wellington estate before they pulled it down for the by-pass. My gran used to say there was always a bit of a mystery over where he got the money for the horse and cart.’

‘Hang on a minute while I write this all down.’ I then picked up my order and left.

As I left I heard a shout of ‘Chardonnay! What have you been telling the punters?

Saturday, 6 January 2018


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie … there was a new assistant at the counter

‘Oh hello’ I said ‘I’ve not seen you before, are you new?’

‘I started yesterday. I’m Chardonnay.’

‘Of course you are. Is Agatha not in?’

‘Is she not in?’

‘Yes, well no. Is she?’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’

I decided to start again ‘Is Agatha in?’

‘No, well yes.’

You’re doing it now.’


Nothing. So Agatha is in?’

‘Yes she is in, but she is out the back having a ta .. break.’

‘A tabreak?’ I queried

‘A break.’

‘Will she be long, she normally does my order, she knows what I like.’

‘I can serve you.’

‘I’ll wait if she won’t be long.’

‘I have full authority.’ I could see she going to insist so reluctantly I gave my order.

‘Oh’ said Chardonnay

‘What oh?’

‘Are you “two peach melbas and friendly with the vicar”?

‘I do have the occasional melba and I do know the vicar.’ I conceded warily

‘Aunt A… I mean Agatha told me about you.’


‘I mean Miss Agatha.’

I was beginning to see a resemblance

To be continued …

Saturday, 23 December 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual and I'll collect my Christmas order if it is ready.'

'Morning' replied Agatha as she finished stacking a shelf. 'Is that your order for your afternoon tea with the Toffington-Sythes?'

'Ppeffington-Smythes' I corrected, yes they are coming over this afternoon for our pre-Christmas afternoon tea.'

'It's all right for some, I'm in here until 6 o'clock.’ Agatha started to assemble my Christmas order ‘I don’t think I know the Ppeffington-Smythes, do they come in here?' she asked by way of conversation.

‘Clarisse used to come in here but she stopped ages ago, she said there was a right misery on the bakery counter.' Agatha pursed her lips

'and you won’t know him, he never comes in here. Clarisse says he is very big in the men's department.' Agatha dropped her tongs when she heard this bit of information.

'Pardon.' said Agatha

'In John Lewis’ I continued ‘Clarisse says he is the supervisor in menswear.'

'Oh I see.' said Agatha picking up her tongs and arranging my winter black forest gateau and winter coconut haystacks in a box. She stopped mid-arrange and said ‘Ah’

‘What ‘Ah’ I said

‘It’s your éclairs.’

‘What about my éclairs, don’t say you haven’t got any.’

‘No, no it’s not that, we have plenty of éclairs … ’ Agatha paused … ‘but I forgot to order the finger ones, we only have the round ones.’

I staggered back a little. ‘Say that again, slowly this time.’

‘We … don’t … have …’ Agatha paused ‘… any finger éclairs’ she completed at a rush.

I went ashen ‘What am I going to do?’

‘I could do you a replacement. What about a couple of sly cakes?’

‘Sly cakes! I can’t give the Ppeffington-Smythes sly cakes, not of a Christmas, I will never hear the end of it.’

‘I could cut them into finger shapes.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I could sprinkle them with icing sugar.’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘We could call them … oh I don’t know … err … winter fruit delights.’


‘or, enraptures …winter fruit enraptures.’

‘Oh I like that. I’ll have four.’

Agatha completed my order and I left

As I left I heard Agatha shout out ‘Margaret, get those old cakes out the back, I think I’m onto something here.’

Then there was that kkkeeerrrcchhhinnnggg noise again.

Agatha is on holiday until the new year.

Saturday, 16 December 2017


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual and I'll pick up my Christmas order while I'm here.'  Agatha busied herself getting my things.

'And can I give you my Christmas order as well?'

'I'm getting your order ready.' said Agatha with a puzzled look on her face.

'Ah no, that's my Christmas order for the vicar, I want to give you my other Christmas order for next week.  I always have the Ppeffington-Smythes the Saturday before Christmas.'

'Sounds painful.'


'Nothing.'  Agatha picked up a pencil and paper 'What would you like?'

'Well I'm doing a Christmas afternoon tea.  I thought I'd have a Christmas theme and have winter coconut haystacks and slices of winter black forest gateau.'

'What's winter coconut haystacks and winter black forest gateau?' asked Agatha again with a puzzled look

'Well they are just like normal coconut haystacks and black forest gateau, but they have the word winter in them.'

'Oh I see.' said Agatha when clearly she didn't 'Wait a minute, this isn't your daft idea for coconut haystacks like you wanted last year ... coconut haystacks without any coconut in them.'

'Ah no, that was for Deidre Catchpole.  That's different.  She can't have anything with coconut in, not after that incident at the traveling fair when the big lad off of the Waltzer caught her unawares by the coconut shy.  Ever since then she shakes and has night tremors if she so much as has a bounty.'

Agatha gave a deep sigh 'So what do you want.' asked Agatha

'I'll have coconut haystacks and black forest gateau for four and you better give me a couple of eclairs as well, not the round ones ... Clarisse' I paused and Agatha looked at me expectantly 'PPpeffington-Smythe that is, she doesn't like the round ones, she says they are more for your riff raff.

Agatha rolled her eyes.  'It's another world.'

'So that's coconut haystacks, black forest slices and a couple of eclairs ... not round ones.' Agatha summarised.

'Oh and could you sprinkle some icing sugar an them?'

'Icing sugar?'

'Yes, make them a bit Chrismassy.'

'Would you like them to play Jingle Bells'

'That won't be necessary.'

I was sensing sarcasm, and there is no need I was only placing a small order.