Saturday, 16 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people found out who they will be dancing with on Strictly;
  • some people found out they only had two weeks work;
  • Tomasz went to Tampa;
  • Tomasz got a new red over jacket;
  • Gigi lost a heel;
  • the Queen was given the first new £10 note;
  • the Queen put the first new £10 note in her handbag; 
  • the Queen said 'that will do nicely for the bookies this afternoon';
  • Madonna brought a new DVD out;
  • Theresa is planning a speech;
  • Boris decided to get in first;
  • Boris said 'now where did I put that bus'; and
  • 'Rooney party girl' is now a person. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear' I said 'I think I'll have a change this week.  I've got the vicar coming round for sandwiches so instead of my usual sliced multi-seeded, I think I'll have a cottage loaf.'

'We haven't got any' replied Agatha

'You haven't got a cottage loaf?' I replied in disbelief 'you must have, all bakers have cottage loaves.'

'Well I haven't I can do you a farmhouse.' she offered as an alternative

'It's not the same.'

'It's almost the same, a farmhouse is nearly a cottage.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is, farmers sometimes live in cottages.'

'What's that got to do with it.'

'I'm just saying.'

'I wanted a cottage loaf, I saw a ice one on the Bake off.'

'I should have known.'

'What do you mean by that.'

'Nothing, just when that programme is on, you always come in wanting fancy things.'

'No I don't, a cottage loaf isn't fancy.'

'It is in here.   Why don't I do you a large farmhouse and a small farmhouse and you can put the small one on top of the large one and make your own cottage loaf.'

'That's daft.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take them.'

I don't know what the vicar is going to say.

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George and Amal went to Venice;
  • the Queen said she was off to open a bridge;
  • Philip said he thought it looked nice and that they probably put on a good buffet so thought he might come with her;
  • the Queen said she thought he was doing that back fence before the winter set in;
  • Kate thought she would have another baby;
  • George had his first day at school; 
  • George thought ‘stuff this for a game of soldiers’; 
  • Wayne said Colleen shouldn’t have ten holidays a year; 
  • some people baked some biscuits;
  • Theresa said she wasn't a robot;
  • Theresa said she would exterminate anyone who said she was a robot;
  • Conor went on holiday to Ibiza;
  • Camilla named a ship HMS Prince of Wales;
  • Camilla said 'eeh that's what my husband is called';
  • Camilla said 'not my first husband I meant the one I have now'; and
  • Boris went to Estonia.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

As I said good morning I noticed a small cottage loaf on the counter ‘Oh is that an illusion cake?’ I asked

‘No it’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It is an illusion cake, how clever.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘I’ve seen these things on the telly, they look like one thing but they are something else.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It looks just like a cottage loaf.’

‘It is a cottage loaf.’

‘But I bet it’s a cake.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘How exciting, when you slice into it is it a chocolate cake

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Or a lemon drizzle perhaps?’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Go on cut it in half now.’

‘Now? don’t you want to wait until you get home?’

‘No I can’t wait, go on slice it in half now. Agatha picked up a bread knife and cut the item in two.

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’ I said disappointed ‘Why didn’t you say.’ Sometimes that Agatha can be dead awkward.

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harvey went to Texas;
  • Donald said he would go to Texas;
  • Texas said 'haven't we suffered enough'; 
  • Theresa went to Japan;
  • Theresa thought she might get a new video recorder while she was in Japan;
  • George went to school;
  • some new people baked some cakes - it took ages because of all the adverts;
  • Some people did some boxing;
  • Theresa said she would quite like to be Prime Minister at the next election – that should be nice; 
  • Some footballers stopped being transferred; 
  • Mike said ‘I’m not buying any of those, they are dead expensive’; 
  • Wayne said ‘What’s that blue flashing light?’; 
  • Wayne said ‘eeh officer I’ve had a dead good night’: 
  • Wayne said ‘What you want me to blow in that bag for … are your chips hot … ha ha that always makes me laugh’; and 
  • Madonna moved to Lisbon. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was stacking shelves at the back of the Patisserie this morning ...

I had to call out to her to get her attention ....

'Hello dear' I shouted Agatha stopped doing what she was doing and turned to face the counter.

'Oh my good Lord, what happened to you' I exclaimed when I saw her properly

'What do you mean' she said

'Well your face ... what's happened?'

'Oh that, what with starting an hour later I have a bit more time in the morning, I thought I would put a bit of make up on.'

'Oh is that what it is, I thought you had had a fall. I didn’t know you could get black lipstick’

‘It’s not black, it’s crushed plum’.

‘Well, it’s very nice whatever it is, it goes with those lines under your eyes. You have drawn them quite deep haven’t you.’

‘I haven’t drawn lines under my eyes.’

‘Oh sorry. Did you know you get little creases in your lipstick when you purse your lips like that.’

’Look what do you want, I’ve got a queue forming.’ I could see Agatha was getting a bit tense so I ordered my usual and left.