Saturday, 30 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some famous people danced on the telly; 
  • Harry held a hand; 
  • Donald (not that Donald) went to Downing street for lunch with Theresa; 
  • Theresa wasn't expecting Doanld; 
  • Theresa said 'eeh I've nothing in we will have to send out for sandwiches, have you got two pounds'; 
  • Theresa was furious because she couldn't sell her airplanes; 
  • Donald said 'Only America First - to be fair he was quite clear about that; 
  • Some people who aren’t famous are going to become Apprentices; 
  • Bruce is going to do another Die Hard; 
  • Theresa went to Estonia; 
  • Theresa said ‘eeh I’ve never been to Estonia it’s dead like Russia; 
  • Henry thought he would quite like to be this week’s leader of UKIP;

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted 'I think I'll have an ornamental trifle terrine.'

'Flamin' bake off' muttered Agatha

'What was that?'

'Nothing, what do you want?'

'I'll have an ornamental trifle terrine.' I repeated

‘We don’t do trifles.’

‘Yes you do, I got one here last Christmas.’

‘Ah yes well we do do them of a Christmas, that’s different.’

‘Can I not have one now, it’s nearly Christmas.’

‘It’s not nearly Christmas it’s only September.’

‘Well could you not knock one up.’

‘How do you expect me to do that’ said Agatha in exasperation ‘they take ages to set.’

‘You could do me a small one.’

‘No.’

‘Go on.’

‘No.’

‘Go on.’

‘Look I can’t’ do you a trifle I haven’t the ingredients and I haven’t got the time, so if you don’t want anything else can you move along, I’ve got a queue forming.’

’You get quite cross when you are asked for trifles don’t you.’

‘‘I don’t.’

‘You do, you’re cross now.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You are.’

‘Look I’m not cross’ hissed Agatha as she slammed her tongs on the counter.’

I picked up my items and left. She seemed cross to me.

Saturday, 23 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people got Emmys;
  • Wayne has had better weeks; 
  • Rio took up boxing;
  • Boris was in America;
  • Theresa was in America;
  • Theresa told Boris to get back to London;
  • Theresa and Boris got on the same flight to the UK;
  • Theresa said she was pleased they hadn't booked Ryanair;
  • Theresa went to Florence;
  • Harry went to Canada; 
  • Harry's girlfriend lives in Canada;
  • Michael said 'who's Gerald Ratner?';
  • after finding £1 billion down the back of the sofa Theresa found another e20 billion;
  • news just in - someone you have never heard of won celebrity MasterChef; and
  • Angela wants to be re-elected.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think 'll have half a dozen stroopwafels this week please.'

'Half a dozen what?' queried Agatha

'Stoopwafels - they are Dutch.'

'We don't do foreign'

'Yes you do, you did me a genuine Jamaican ginger cake the other week.'

'Ah ...  yes ... well, sorry about that, they don't really come from Jamaica we buy those in off of this old dear lives in Durham.  Can I get you a couple of peach melbas, you like them.'

'Peach melbas are foreign.'

'What?'

'Peach melbas' I repeated 'they are foreign, they were named after Dame Nellie Peach Melba, she was Australian.'

'Ah ... well ... your Australia isn't really foreign.'

'Yes it is.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is.'

'No it's not, it's more British really than foreign.'

'That's daft, anyway I don't want peach melbas, I want stroopwafels.'

'I told you, we don't do them.'

'Can you not knock me some up?'

'I could cut a bagel in two and fill it with peanut butter?'

'It's not the same.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take it.'

Sometimes it is really difficult to get that woman to do anything.

Saturday, 16 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people found out who they will be dancing with on Strictly;
  • some people found out they only had two weeks work;
  • Tomasz went to Tampa;
  • Tomasz got a new red over jacket;
  • Gigi lost a heel;
  • the Queen was given the first new £10 note;
  • the Queen put the first new £10 note in her handbag; 
  • the Queen said 'that will do nicely for the bookies this afternoon';
  • Madonna brought a new DVD out;
  • Theresa is planning a speech;
  • Boris decided to get in first;
  • Boris said 'now where did I put that bus'; and
  • 'Rooney party girl' is now a person. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear' I said 'I think I'll have a change this week.  I've got the vicar coming round for sandwiches so instead of my usual sliced multi-seeded, I think I'll have a cottage loaf.'

'We haven't got any' replied Agatha

'You haven't got a cottage loaf?' I replied in disbelief 'you must have, all bakers have cottage loaves.'

'Well I haven't I can do you a farmhouse.' she offered as an alternative

'It's not the same.'

'It's almost the same, a farmhouse is nearly a cottage.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is, farmers sometimes live in cottages.'

'What's that got to do with it.'

'I'm just saying.'

'I wanted a cottage loaf, I saw a ice one on the Bake off.'

'I should have known.'

'What do you mean by that.'

'Nothing, just when that programme is on, you always come in wanting fancy things.'

'No I don't, a cottage loaf isn't fancy.'

'It is in here.   Why don't I do you a large farmhouse and a small farmhouse and you can put the small one on top of the large one and make your own cottage loaf.'

'That's daft.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take them.'

I don't know what the vicar is going to say.

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George and Amal went to Venice;
  • the Queen said she was off to open a bridge;
  • Philip said he thought it looked nice and that they probably put on a good buffet so thought he might come with her;
  • the Queen said she thought he was doing that back fence before the winter set in;
  • Kate thought she would have another baby;
  • George had his first day at school; 
  • George thought ‘stuff this for a game of soldiers’; 
  • Wayne said Colleen shouldn’t have ten holidays a year; 
  • some people baked some biscuits;
  • Theresa said she wasn't a robot;
  • Theresa said she would exterminate anyone who said she was a robot;
  • Conor went on holiday to Ibiza;
  • Camilla named a ship HMS Prince of Wales;
  • Camilla said 'eeh that's what my husband is called';
  • Camilla said 'not my first husband I meant the one I have now'; and
  • Boris went to Estonia.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

As I said good morning I noticed a small cottage loaf on the counter ‘Oh is that an illusion cake?’ I asked

‘No it’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It is an illusion cake, how clever.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘I’ve seen these things on the telly, they look like one thing but they are something else.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It looks just like a cottage loaf.’

‘It is a cottage loaf.’

‘But I bet it’s a cake.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘How exciting, when you slice into it is it a chocolate cake

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Or a lemon drizzle perhaps?’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Go on cut it in half now.’

‘Now? don’t you want to wait until you get home?’

‘No I can’t wait, go on slice it in half now. Agatha picked up a bread knife and cut the item in two.

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’ I said disappointed ‘Why didn’t you say.’ Sometimes that Agatha can be dead awkward.

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harvey went to Texas;
  • Donald said he would go to Texas;
  • Texas said 'haven't we suffered enough'; 
  • Theresa went to Japan;
  • Theresa thought she might get a new video recorder while she was in Japan;
  • George went to school;
  • some new people baked some cakes - it took ages because of all the adverts;
  • Some people did some boxing;
  • Theresa said she would quite like to be Prime Minister at the next election – that should be nice; 
  • Some footballers stopped being transferred; 
  • Mike said ‘I’m not buying any of those, they are dead expensive’; 
  • Wayne said ‘What’s that blue flashing light?’; 
  • Wayne said ‘eeh officer I’ve had a dead good night’: 
  • Wayne said ‘What you want me to blow in that bag for … are your chips hot … ha ha that always makes me laugh’; and 
  • Madonna moved to Lisbon. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was stacking shelves at the back of the Patisserie this morning ...

I had to call out to her to get her attention ....

'Hello dear' I shouted Agatha stopped doing what she was doing and turned to face the counter.

'Oh my good Lord, what happened to you' I exclaimed when I saw her properly

'What do you mean' she said

'Well your face ... what's happened?'

'Oh that, what with starting an hour later I have a bit more time in the morning, I thought I would put a bit of make up on.'

'Oh is that what it is, I thought you had had a fall. I didn’t know you could get black lipstick’

‘It’s not black, it’s crushed plum’.

‘Well, it’s very nice whatever it is, it goes with those lines under your eyes. You have drawn them quite deep haven’t you.’

‘I haven’t drawn lines under my eyes.’

‘Oh sorry. Did you know you get little creases in your lipstick when you purse your lips like that.’

’Look what do you want, I’ve got a queue forming.’ I could see Agatha was getting a bit tense so I ordered my usual and left.