Saturday, 26 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen said 'If you have nothing to do you can put up that shelf in the spare room;
  • the Queen said 'Did you put that shelf up?'
  • Philip said 'i didn't have time to get round to it, I've been busy with things';
  • The Queen said 'You were sitting in that chair when I went out first thing this morning;
  • Bradley is going to be a companion;
  • some people are going to start baking; and
  • some people are going to start boxing;
  • Mel has silver hair; 
  • Mark earned $68 million last year – what a  lot of money; 
  • Andrew isn’t going to do Sunday Politics anymore; and
  • Wayne isn't going to play for England again;
  • Harvey went to Texas;
  • Sarah had some booze after winning CBB - sorry that should say Boos; and
  • Jenna is going to be Victoria again; 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’ Agatha busied herself getting my order and placed my items on the counter.

'Oh while i remember' she said 'from next week the Patisserie won't be opening until 8 o'clock.'

'8 o'clock?'

'8 o'clock'.

'What do you mean 8 o'clock.'

'I mean we won't be open until 8 o'clock'.

'But I am always back home by 8 o'clock, what am I going to do about my peach melbas and my large multi-seeded if you don't open until 8 o'clock.'

'There's nothing I can do about it, we had a memo from Head Office, we won't be opening until 8 o'clock and that is that.'

'A memo? What did this memo say about my peach melbas.'

'They weren't mentioned.'

‘I find it hard to believe that a memo from Head Office on such an important matter would fail to mention my peach melbas.’

‘Well it didn’t.’

'Are you sure?'
'Yes.'

‘What am I going to do?’

‘You will have to have one of those packaged cake boxes instead.’

‘Oh no I don’t think so.’

I don’t know what to do now … I wonder what time the Co-Op opens.

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tom jumped off a building; 
  • Tom almost landed on another building; 
  • Tom said 'Ouch'; 
  • David built a castle; 
  • David said 'I've got three pieces left over'; 
  • Daniel said he thought he might quite like to be James again; 
  • Cheryl gets up an hour before her baby to do some online workouts; 
  • Cheryl does kick boxing or yoga in the afternoon when her baby is asleep; 
  • Cheryl obviously doesn’t do double shifts at Greggs; 
  • Tom broke his ankle; 
  • Tom is over 50 and shouldn’t be jumping off buildings; 
  • Leo and Kate went to St Tropez;
  • David and Victoria were in Malibu; 
  • Donald fired someone;
  • Donald said 'who can I fire next, I like doing this'; and
  • some more people are doing Strictly.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Oh it's you, I'm surprised to see you, what with your fancy Bake off programme on';

'It's not started yet, anyway it's not fancy';

'It's a menace, that's what it is, a menace.  It ruins my trade';

'How can it be a menace, it's just a baking programme';

'It's a menace, it put fancy ideas in peoples heads. People like you coming in wanting opera cakes and sachertortes, it ruins my forward orders  And I remember the catcalls in the street I got the the last time it was on "Ooh there's her with the soggy bottom" and "I bet she has got big bloomers", I was an emotional wreck. I could sue that Mary Berry.'

'I am sorry you were an emotional wreck, I didn't mean to bring it all back.'

'It's all right, what can I get you?'

'Can I have two op ... remalbas.'

'What's an opramelba.'

'Sorry just melbas.'

I think I just got away with it there.

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • some singer is going to do Strictly - must be that time of year again; and
  • Davood said he would do Strictly as well;
  • Philip has started his retirement;
  • the Queen said 'I hope your not going to sit around the house all day;
  • Liam got a new tattoo;
  • Philip said 'What you got on today then?'
  • Philip said 'That looks nice, i bet they do a nice lunch';
  • the Queen said 'if you have nothing to do that shelf in the front room wants looking at';
  • Cody ran about a bit; 
  • Anneka might be having another Challenge; 
  • Brad and Angelina might not be getting divorced; 
  • Jim did some paintings; 
  • Madame Tussauds said they wanted to make a stuffed dummy of Theresa - they are a bit late with that; 
  • some famous people had a fringe in Edinburgh; and
  • Donald got so angry his face went orange.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual, but no peach melbas.’

‘No peach melbas.’ repeated Agatha in a startled tone

‘No peach melbas.’

‘What’s wrong, you always have peach melbas. You like to have them in in case the vicar calls round.’

‘I’ve had it with peach melbas, they are nothing but trouble.’

‘How can a peach melba be trouble?’

‘They just are.’

‘Go on … have a couple.’

‘No.’

‘Go on … we have just got some in, they are dead fresh.’

‘No.’

‘Go on … I've got all these to shift ... I mean ... you know you like them.'

'What do you mean you have just got some in and they are fresh?  I thought they were fresh every week, you told me you made them fresh especially for me.'

'Did I? oh err yes I did didn't I that's what I charge you the extra 20p for. 

'I don't know, the Bake off is on again soon so I might start making my own.'

Agatha turned to the kitchen door and shouted 'Margaret we could be losing one here get the sly cakes out.'

'Look' said Agatha as she leaned over the counter and lowered her voice. 'why don't you take two peach melbas and I can let you have a pack of four sly cakes and I will just charge you the normal price for the lot.  I can't say fairer than that.' offered Agatha giving a shrug of her shoulders 

'Ok well go on then.' I replied 

I think I got a bargain there.

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Scaramucci got fandangoed;
  • some new bloke is going to edit Vogue;
  • Philip got a new bowler hat;
  • Philip got wet in the rain;
  • Philip said 'that hat's ruined';
  • Philip finally retired;
  • Philip said 'what's a Post Office?;
  • Philip said he didn't know how they were going to manage now with only one wage coming in;
  • some people went into the Celebrity Big Brother house - is that still on?;
  • Donald said it had been a good day at the White House;
  • Charles and Camilla went to Corfu;
  • Camilla said 'wasn't your dad born here?';
  • Philip and Holly - not that Philip - are going to present Strictly on Ice next year;
  • Danny is staying in EastEnders;
  • Mo won again; and 
  • Johnson-Thomson-Jackson-Stevenson-Carlson is going to do some running.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual.  Oh but you better make it three peach meblas instead of two in case the vicar brings that Deidre Catchpole round with him.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Although what he sees in here I don't know.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'I mean it's not as if she is good looking.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'And that laugh, it's like a corncrake. It goes right through me.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'What's that?'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Who?'

'Deidre ... Deidre Catchpole. I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Oh? why not.'

'There's been' Agatha lowered her voice  'well let's just call it an incident.'

'What sort of incident?'

'She was caught in Aldi wearing a duffel coat.'

'There's nothing wrong with wearing a duffel, its not against the law, even if you are in Aldi.'

'What, in this heat ... I don't think so, anyway it wasn't wearing a duffel that got her into bother it was the four frozen chickens she got from the deep freeze and had stashed under it that they did her for.  She passed out just yards from the front door and started shivering with the cold.  They said if they hadn't had a thermal blanket to hand she would have ended up in casualty.  It was only after they tucked the blanket in the found the chickens.  Needless to say the vicar wasn't pleased when he found out.  He said he thought they should cool it for a bit and Deidre said she didn't think that was very funny and they've not spoken since.'

My head was reeling with this new information, I said I'd just have the two peach melbas and I left.