Saturday, 29 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Katie got a new face;
  • Justin isn't going to China;
  • Philip retired;
  • the Queen said 'oh god does that mean I am going to have him round the house all day?';
  • The Pope turned his fountains off; 
  • the Pope said his bath water was running much faster now them fountains were off; 
  • Adam won two world records; 
  • Daniel is going to be James again; 
  • Theresa went to Lake Garda on holiday – we know what happened the last time she went on holiday; 
  • Theresa wore a £25 dress from Next; 
  • Theresa said she got her new dress and a pair of espadrilles for £30; 
  • William isn’t going to fly his helicopter anymore; 
  • William is just going to do royaling from now on; 
  • Kate said ‘Is he going to be round the house all day’; 
  • the Queen said ‘tell me about it’.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was back at the Patisserie …

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘nice to see you back, did you have a nice time at the Jackson-Pollocks.’

‘Yes thank you, what can I get you.’

‘It was lovely wasn’t it’

‘Yes what can I get you.’

‘So did you go on anywhere after.’

‘Yes, what can I get you.’ I could sense Agatha was tying to hurry me along

‘I heard you went to the Blue Ram after’

‘I might have popped in for one on the way home. What can I get you.’

‘I heard you were in the Blue Ram till 3 in the morning and they had to get that big lad off of the door to get you out.’

‘It wasn’t that late.’

‘I heard you were drinking brown ale whiskey chasers.'

I might have had a couple of drinks.'

‘I heard you were drinking brown ale of your shoe and you said you wished you hadn't had espadrilles on.’

‘Who said that? snapped Agatha sharply

‘I was talking to Mavis off of the checkout, she said you had a right old time.’

‘I knew it, I’ll flatten that Mavis one of these days.'

I could sense things getting a little feisty so I picked a few things off the shelf and left.

Saturday, 22 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Camilla was 70;
  • William and Kate went to Poland;
  • Paul was trapped at a waterfall; 
  • loads of people got loads of money at the BBC; 
  • William and Kate went to Germany; 
  • Emmanuel said he was the boss; 
  • Dominic said David was ‘thick as mince’ – that’s quite thick; 
  • Vince thought he would like to be the leader of a political party; and
  • Jodie thought she would like to be a Dr;
  • Sean packed his job in - before he was sacked;
  • Gemma wore an orange tent;
  • Boris went to Tokyo;
  • David went to Brussels - they get all over don't they;
  • Camilla ate a scone the Devon way;
  • Charles said 'Do you have to have it like that can you not have it the Cornish way?;
  • Katie is going to do Dancing on Ice - not that one.. the orange one.

Sainsbury's

Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie …

…. Agatha was mingling at the Jackson-Pollocks

People were gathered in small groups chatting and a piano was tinkling in the background.

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘I see you made it then. You look different with your clothes on.’

‘Pardon’ said Agatha a little taken aback

‘I mean I only ever see you in your overalls.’ I clarified ‘You look very fetching in your cocktail dress. It’s not often you see astrakhan these days. Why don’t you take your duffle off, it’s getting quite warm in here now.’

‘I’ll keep it on thank you very much.’

‘So errr’ I started ‘you were going to tell me about the vicar and Deidre Catchpole. Is it true then?’

‘Oh yes, she has had her eye on him ever since New Years, she quite fancies herself as the vicar’s wife.’

‘I’m not sure the bishop would approve of that, Deidre Catchpole has a bit of a chequered history. She has been on Crimestoppers more than once.’

‘Well yes, but to be fair the first time wasn’t really her fault. It was a complete accident she ended up in a skip with a stolen trumpet and drum kit ... and nothing was ever proved.’

‘I suppose, but she does seem to attract a certain amount of trouble and the bishop is very sensitive about these things.’ I glanced around and noticed people gathering at a table ‘I’m just going to the buffet, can I get you anything?’

‘I’ll have a peach melba.’ responded Agatha with a satisfied look of triumph on her face.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ernst got married; 
  • Wayne went to Everton;
  • Daniel is going to be James again;
  • Boris said he could hear whistling;
  • Michel said he could hear a clock - they must have ears like bats;
  • Letizia and Filipe came to the UK for a bit of a holiday; 
  • Filipe is 6' 4"
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind your tall';
  • Zsa Zas's will is missing;
  • Zsa Zsa's husband said 'I know I had it when I went to the shops';
  • Donald jr said after thinking about it he would have done it differently - there is a lot said that; while
  • Donald went to Paris;
  • Donald said 'eeh there's loads of French people here ... they are everywhere; and
  • some people are still playing tennis - but Andy is back to being Scottish again and Johanna is Australian again.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was still at the Patisserie counter as I ended my call …

‘Is that that Deidre Catchpole you were on about?’ she asked

‘Were you listening to my conversation?’ I was shocked

‘I can’t help over hearing a certain amount, you are standing right at the counter.’

‘I suppose so … yes it was Deidre Catchpole we were discussing. Do you know her?’

‘Oh yes, I know all about Deidre Catchpole, she thinks she is the kipper’s whiskers ever since she started knocking off the vicar.’

‘She's been knock … seeing the vicar?’ I said, surprised at this news ‘The vicar kept that quiet, no one knows about that.’

‘Oh no, it’s common knowledge, he’s been keeping her in stockings and bath salts for ages. I know all about the vicar.  I could tell you a few tales about the vicar.’

‘Oh yes?  So err ... ’ I adopted an air of affected disinterest 'did I hear you say you were going to the Jackson-Pollocks do? maybe we can have a little chat.'

Saturday, 8 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen wore a lemon dress - she's got loads of dresses;
  • some people cycled around in France;
  • Theresa went to Hamburg; 
  • Theresa said ‘eeh I never get a minute to myself’; 
  • Donald went to Poundland – sorry that should say Poland; 
  • Wayne bought a new house; 
  • Harry went to Leeds; 
  • a horse ate the Queen's flowers;
  • The Queen took her coat off; 
  • the Queen said ‘eeh it’s dead hot out today’; 
  • Mike said he was a power drinker – I think that means drunk; 
  • some people were still playing tennis – have they not finished yet?; 
  • Angela went to the G20 with a load of other people; and
  • Theresa went to a concert to watch an 1880s tribute band.

Sainsbury's

… from last week …

Agatha was still at the Patisserie … waiting while I phoned the vicar. I pressed speed dial and got straight through.

Agatha was tapping her tongs on the counter top an impatient look on her face.

‘Just getting through to the vicar’ I explained

‘It’s me’ I said ‘ah ok I’ll hold.’ I put my hand over the phone and told Agatha the vicar wouldn’t be a minute he was just rubbing through his hassocks.

Agatha took a deep sigh ‘Look I’ve got a queue forming.’

‘I’ll just be a minute …’hello’ I said as the vicar picked up ‘What’s this about you going to a do at the Jackson-Pollocks‘ I said as I put my hand to my ear 'I see.’ I said as the vicar spoke

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Well are you not allowed to bring a friend? ... Oh you are bringing a friend.  
What friend? …. Deidre Catchpole? …. Deidre Catchpole!'  I repeated ‘and how long has she been a friend? ’

‘I see.’

‘You met her in the Blue Ram on New Years ....I was in the Blue Ram that night I don’t remember seeing her.’

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'She must have had her tag removed then … oh she has had her tag removed.’

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Well I'm not sure the bishop would approve of you consorting with Deidre Catchpole.

‘I see.’

‘I see.’
'The bishop doesn't know about her?  Well he might find out.'  I let that hang in the air for a few moments.

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Blackmail isn't a very nice word.  

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

So that's arranged then, you will tell Deirdre Catchpole something has come up and you will pick me up in the Anglia at 8 o'clock - that's very thoughtful of you. 

Saturday, 1 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen got a new ship;
  • the Queen said 'eeh where am I going to put that?'
  • some people sang in a field;
  • Harry was 20;
  • Christiano got two babies;
  • George got his sixth job – eeh he must be dead busy; 
  • Theresa said she would quite like to have a vote on the Queen’s speech; 
  • Dolph is going to make a new movie; 
  • Adele said she was packing in touring; 
  • some people played tennis; 
  • Brooklyn wrote a book – it’s not his autobiography is it?;
  • some people started the Tour de France in Germany - what a funny place to have it;
  • Sean got married - and
  • Lionel got married as well;
  • some lions bead New Zealand; and 
  • Adele is not well.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Can I have a look at your bloomers ... ha ha. eeh that makes me laugh every time.’

Agatha didn’t look amused ‘What do you want?’ she responded ‘I haven’t got time for your nonsense today, I’ve got a rush order on.’

‘I thought you had’ I replied as I looked over the counter into the back room ‘Looks like a lot of cakes your getting together back there, what’s that for?’

‘We have an order off of the Jackson-Pollocks, they are off to Bangkok on an extended stay and are having a bit of a ‘bon voyage’ do.’ I grimaced at Agatha’s attempted French accent.

‘They are having a do?' I queried 'I didn’t know about that, why have I not been invited?’

‘Oh haven’t you been invited'  said Agatha with the beginnings of a smirk 'I’m going’ she continued.

‘Are you?’ I snapped ‘It must be one of their parties for domestics' I said recovering a little 'they have them all the time. I only go to their parties for their more … select acquaintances.’

Agatha bristled ‘Well the vicar is going, he’s not a domestic. Anyway what do you mean ‘domestics?’

‘The vicar’s going?’ I said as I took out my phone ‘He never told me that …’

 … to be continued