Saturday, 24 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George's boat collided with another boat;
  • Julie got a ladydamesirknighthoodship;
  • Angela went to see the Pope;
  • Angela told the Pope she had had that Donald round;
  • the Pope said he knew how she felt as Donald had been round his as well;
  • Liam went to Milan;
  • Hew wasn't sure the 10 o'clock news had started;
  • the Queen opened Parliament;
  • Dennis said they should get their skates on;
  • the Queen had a 'Take your child to work day';
  • The Queen wore a hat;
  • the Queen went to the races;
  • Theresa went to Brussels; 
  • Theresa said being Prime Minister wasn't all it was cracked up to be; and
  • some people were singing tunes in a field in Somerset. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello' I said 'you back from your disa ... holiday?'

'Holiday? Oh yes I'm back.'

'I see you have peach melbas on the shelves again.'

Agatha looked a little cross 'Yes we are selling them again, back by popular demand. Do you want a couple?'

'No, I think I have gone off them a bit, and anyway I don't think I can afford them.  They were getting quite expensive before you stopped selling them.'

'As you like, what can I get you.'

'Although' I said and paused 'I heard you could get them on the black market at a knock off price.'

'I wouldn't know anything about that. what can I get you' continued Agatha trying to hurry me along.

'I heard some old dear was flogging them off round the back of the community center.'

'I wouldn't say old.'

'Oh, so someone was selling them knock off.'

'I don't know' said Agatha a little flustered 'do you want serving or not, I've got a queue forming.'

'I heard she was shrouded in a cloud of Embassy Regal selling melbas.'

'It was no 10.'  Agatha slapped her hand over her mouth.

'Ah ha, so it was you, I knew it!  I will have two peach melbas, and I think these ones might be at a discount price?'

'I'll put a sticker on, say the pastry is smashed in.'

'That will be very nice thank you.'

A bargain for once.

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Celebrity Week - State Opening Royal Special

A Celebrity State Opening Royal special
  • the Queen had a 'Dress down' day;
  • the Queen said 'ooh it feels like a Friday';
  • the Queen sent her best crown to the Houses of Parliament;
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind don't let that crown out of your sight it's me best one';
  • the Queen's State Trumpeters started a trumpet song when the Queen walked through the door;
  • the Queen dropped her handbag';
  • the Queen said I wish they would wait till I sat down before doing that'
  • the Queen said 'I think I've left me glasses in my other handbag;
  • Prince Charles says 'you haven't man, we checked before we left, have another look'
  • 'the Queen read a speech';
  • the Queen said 'What's that word?'
  • Charles said 'Brexit';
  • the Queen said 'that's not a word';
  • the Queen said 'That's never a 'B' it looks like a 'P' I thought she was wanting a Prexit lol;
  • the Queen said 'she's not said anything about that Donald coming'; 
  • the Queen said 'Is that it? It was hardly worth coming for';
  • the Queen told Charles to see if that nice Jeremy had a Racing Post she could borrow.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Dear David - Brexit

Dear David

Do you trust the government to manage Brexit within two years?

David Responds

Which government ... you mean this government?

Not really, it took them three months to lose their own majority.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen got a 41 gun salute in her back garden for her birthday;
  • the Queen forgot she was getting a 41 gun salute in her back garden for her birthday;
  • the Queen dropped a teacup;
  • the Queen said 'what the bloody hell was that?' 
  • the Queen said 'what damn fool is making all that noise outside';
  • Harry had a party; 
  • Donald had a cabinet meeting where everyone told him how lovely he was;
  • Donald said he din't fancy coming to Britain because people shout a lot;
  • Theresa has had better weeks;
  • George had a great week;
  • Theresa went to Paris for the evening; 
  • Theresa went to see England play football in Paris; 
  • Theresa did a Mexican wave on her own; 
  • Theresa said ‘have you not got any wheat fields?’;
  • Theresa went to see Emmanuel;
  • Emmanuel said will you stop saying 'Hey, Macarena!' every time you want to ask me something;
  • Tim packed his job in; and 
  • some people got things off of the Queen because it was her birthday.


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie …

… Margaret was placing doughnuts on a shelf with her tongs

‘Oh hello Margaret’ I said ‘Is your Agatha not on today?’

‘No she is on a dis .. holiday, she is on holiday.’

‘You were going to say a disciplinary weren’t you? What she done this time?’

Margaret put her tongs down and looked around, leaning over the counter as she confided ‘the manger found out she had been stashing peach melbas and selling them round the back of the community centre. He was furious, he only found out after the vicar collared him in the Blue Ram, complaining about how we don’t do peach melbas any more.’

‘What she like! So you have peach melbas in then?’

‘Yes we have loads, how many do you want?’

‘I’ll have two.’

Margaret picked up her tongs and busied herself getting my cakes. ‘I’ll just pop them in a box for you.’

‘I must say this is lovely service.’

‘When your Agatha is on she can be a little brusque.’

Margaret stopped what she was doing.

‘Sometimes my cakes are all bashed in at the side’ Margaret stared at me with a stricken look on her face.

‘She can be a bit rough with them and sometimes there is a little thumb print in the cream.’ Margaret started shaking her head frozen to the spot

‘She is standing behind me isn’t she?’ I hurriedly picked up my cakes and left.

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Dear David - State Opening

Dear David

I was supposed to having a big event next Monday where I get to wear my best crown but now I've just had Theresa on the phone and she wants to put it off until Tuesday.

Thing is I'm at the races on Tuesday so I can't really do this opening thing. I am dead fed up, how can I get out of it?


David Responds

Oh you as well, she has never been off my phone since last Friday.  That Theresa is becoming a right nuisance ... 'what should I do about this? ... what should I do about that? I tell you if she comes round here I'll give her strong and stable.

What were you asking again ... oh yes the races.  Just tell her straight, tell her you're not doing it and that is that.  Or say you can do first thing, but you need to be away by 12 and you want a helicopter to get you to Ascot because the trains get dead busy if you leave it too late.

Monday, 12 June 2017

Dear David - Theresa

Dear David

I've been thinking about Teresa.  She's had a rough weekend and I wondered if all our friends would chip in and send her some flowers?


David Responds

Stuff that, it's us that needs the flowers. 

Dear David - Interview

Dear David

I have to go to a meeting later today to be questioned by a load of MPs.  I am not really looking forward to it, do you think I can send our Amber instead?


David Responds

No not really, it was doing that got you into this mess in the first place.

Susanna Reid

If you are feeling the back to work blues after the weekend, spare a thought for
Susanna Reid ... she has to go to work on Monday morning and sit next to Piers Morgan.

Sunday, 11 June 2017

Dear David - Result

Dear David

I am a major world leader, actually I am the greatest leader the world has ever see.  It's true. Everyone says it.

As world leader I am supposed to phone other leaders when they win elections, but I am not sure whether I should call Theresa or not.  What should I do?

David Responds

Tricky one, I don't think she is much in the mood for a chat on the phone.  Why don't you send her a Get Well Soon card and a bunch of flowers.

Saturday, 10 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Victoria wore a green and orange outfit;
  • George and Amal had two babies;
  • Diane has had better weeks;
  • Elton is going to sings some tunes in Las Vegas; 
  • William went to Belgium; 
  • Tom said he might play volleyball in his next movie; 
  • Theresa said she was very clear about who she was going to vote for;
  • Tom might be doing Strictly - is it that time of year again already;
  • Theresa said she would like 100 new MPs;
  • Theresa said 'oh ... I'll just have a couple of new MPs then';
  • Theresa said 'what do you mean I have to give some MPs back?';
  • Thersa said she would pop in to see the Queen;
  • the Queen said she thought she would work from home on Friday;
  • the Queen thought her dressing gown would be ok for another day;
  • the Quun got a message to say Theresa was popping round;
  • the Queen said 'oh God, what does she want?;
  • the Queen told Philip to straighten the cushions and record Bargain Hunt for her; 
  • Alex got chucked from Scotland; and 
  • Paul packed his job in.


At the Patisserie ...

‘What can I get you?’ asked Agatha

‘I’ll have a couple of eccle … I suddenly remembered the scene from last week and changed tack …’Melbas’ I finished.

‘couple of ecclemelbas? What’s an ecclemelba?’

‘Not ecclemelbas' I corrected 'a couple of peach melbas.’

‘You said ecclemelba.’

‘Never mind that, I’ll have two peach melbas.’

‘I told you we stopped doing them, there was no demand.’

‘I forgot. What else have you got then .. and nothing with currants in.’ I added hurriedly

‘What about an ├ęclair.’

‘That’s a good idea, have you got the round ones?’

‘No, we only do the finger ones.’

I was disappointed ‘Have you not got the round ones?’


‘Oh good, I’ll have two.’

‘I told you, we haven’t got any.’

‘You just said you did.’

‘I didn’t I said Yes we not got them.'

‘I don’t like the finger ones, I only like the round ones.’

‘That’s daft, they are the same.’

‘No there’re not, they taste different.’

Agatha gave a sigh 'I've only got the finger ones, do you want them or not?'

'Go on then, I'll have two ... oh and don't arrange them like you did my finger doughnuts, the vicar was shoked.

Friday, 9 June 2017

Dear David - Result

Dear David

I've just lost a big election that I thought I was going to win, now I've got to go and see the Queen to tell her what I've done.  I am dead fed up, what can I do?


David Responds

Oh dear what a shame, that must be a disappointment for you, still having lunch with the Queen will be nice, that should cheer you up.

Wait a minute, what day is it?  Oh it's Friday, I wouldn't go round just now, the Queen gets her Racing Post of a Friday and she likes to pick her horses for the weekend watching Homes under the Hammer on catch up in the afternoon.  If you interrupt her she will be in a filthy temper, why not leave it until Monday.

Saturday, 3 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tiger wished he had taken a taxi;
  • Angela ate a loaf and a bagel;
  • Theresa didn't fancy going to Cambridge;
  • Theresa said she had to get back home because Corrie was having a week special;
  • The FBI said it was interested in Nigel - I suppose someone has to be; 
  • Janet might be doing a Netflix series – whatever one of those is; 
  • Taylor got a new boyfriend - it's been weeks since the last one; 
  • Ronnie was 70 - he must be older than that!;
  • the Queen had a garden party;
  • the Queen said 'that back hedge needs doing';
  • Amanda almost wore a dress; 
  • some people were supposed to have talent; 
  • Donald couldn't be bothered to save the planet;
  • Donald said he had coal to dig; and
  • Theresa said she was very clear. 


... continued from last week ...

Agatha tore off a piece of Eccles cake and handed it over.  I took a tentative bite

‘It's got currants in.'

'I know, it's an Eccles cake.'

'You know I don't like currants.'

'I forgot.'

'We had this out when you tried to con me into buying four bath buns.'

'I wouldn't say con.' said Agatha defensively.

'You knew they had currants in them.'

'I thought they were raisins.'

'It's the same thing.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is.'

'What's the difference then?' demanded Agatha

'Well currants are sort of curranty and raisins are more ... well raisiny.'

'That's daft.  Do you want Eccles cakes or not?'

'I'm not sure, they seem quite big.'

'You can cut them into quarters.' suggested Agatha



'Eccles cakes are circular and a quarter of a circle is a quadrant, not a quarter.'

'Are you trying to be funny.'

'I'm just saying.'

'Well don't.'

'Have you got any square Eccles cakes?'

Agatha threw her tongs on the counter and shouted 'Margaret come and serve this customer' then left the counter and went out the back

I wonder what is wrong with her.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Dear David - Deabte

Dear David

I was invited to a debate yesterday but I couldn’t go as I had my nets to do and I’d been on all day trying to get them dried and ironed, now I am getting a load of grief because I wasn’t there. I am dead fed up, what can I do?


David Responds

Oh it was a lovely drying day yesterday wasn’t it … but what a shame your friends are making an issue out of it.

Why not invite them all round for tea and you can show them how lovely your windows look now. Let them see you had a productive day after all.