Monday, 29 May 2017

Dear David - Interview

Dear David

Is it true your vicar is hosting tonight’s chat with Tessa and Jezza?

C

David Responds

'Tessa and Jezza?' Who are ... oh I see what you have done, how very clever.

No I don't think it is the vicar doing it, he doesn't approve of Chanel 4, not since the body under the patio he never slept for weeks after that. 

I'll just have a look see who is doing it ... where did I put my radio Times ... ah here it is ... what day is it today? these bank holidays are dead confusing ... oh look they have moved Coronation Street, what have they done that for? I hate it when they do that ... what was I looking for again .. oh yes Channel 4 ... oh Paxman ... I thought he had retired ... what was I looking this up for ...oh yes I got a letter didn't I ...

No it isn't the vicar it is Jeremy ... not that one, Paxman ... oh isn't that funny two Jeremys ... or is it Jeremies? 

Saturday, 27 May 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa got a new raincoat;
  • John thought he would pack his job in; and
  • Harry got an old boot ... sorry that should say gold boot (what a funny thing to get);
  • the Queen went to see some flowers;
  • the Queen said 'have a look and see if they have any daffs on offer - we need some for out the back at Balmoral';
  • Theresa got a new cap;
  • Melania didn't want to hold Donald's hand;
  • Donald went to see the Pope; 
  • Donald wanted to have his photograph taken;
  • Donald said 'i'm not trying to hold your hand, get out of my way';
  • Donald said 'Where is Montenegro?';
  • Colin lost his tattoos - I wonder where they are; 
  • Theresa went to Sicily; 
  • Leonardo went to a party; and
  • Robert might be getting an Oscar.

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the patisserie and she was at the counter when I arrived.

‘Morning’ she said … ‘I’ve been thinking’ she continued ‘what with us not doing macaroons, I thought you might want to try eccles cakes.’

‘Oh no’ I said ‘we have had this all out before. I don’t think they are suitable, they are more for people from Yorkshire or truck drivers. I don’t think the vicar would like them.’

‘Nonsense; contradicted Agatha ‘you see him over there’ Agatha indicated the cereals aisle with her cake slice ‘he has just bought some eccles cakes.’

‘Has he? What does he do then?’

‘Well he is a truck driver’ admitted Agatha ‘but that’s not the point. He is perfectly respectable.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Go on try one.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Go on, I’ll cut you off a corner.’

‘They are round.’

‘What?’

‘Eccles cakes … they are round, you said you would cut me off a corner, you can't ... they don’t have corners.’

Agatha set her mouth ‘Do you want a sample or not.’

‘Go on then … a sample .. not a corner.' ... to be continued.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • France got a new Prime Minister;
  • someone said Nigel should get a Knighthood;
  • Theresa laughed like a blocked drain when it was suggested Nigel shuold be knighted - that's not very ladylike;
  • Donald talked to some Russians;
  • Salvador won Eurovision;
  • Emmanuel went to Germany;
  • Charles and Camilla went to an indoor market;
  • Camilla said 'did you say we were running short of carrots this morning'?
  • some politicians issued political documents they are going to ignore in a year’s time;
  • The Queen went to The Ivy; 
  • the Queen said ‘I’ve got ivy all over my back wall at Balmoral; 
  • Donald said he quite liked presidenting so he thought he would go to Saudi Arabia;
  • Donald said he would visit the Pope while he was in the area;
  • the Pope said 'tell him I'm out ... tel him anything, tell him I'm at the launderette, I've got loads of whites to do.' 
  • Liam said he wasn’t fussed about Harry’s new tune; and
  • Cheryl thought she might become a Tweedy again.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said as Agatha arranged her items on the patisserie shelves.

I quite liked those macaroons you sold me last week. I wasn’t sure at first. The vicar said they were very sophisticated. A lot more sophisticated than peach melbas, he said. I wondered what he meant by that, was he saying my peach melbas weren’t sophisticated … well not my peach melbas exactly, more your peach melbas, but you know what I mean. Well anyway the vicar said the macaroons were more sophisticated because you could put them in your saucer next to your teacup while you were chatting. “Ha ha” he said you couldn’t do that with a peach melba! I wasn’t so sure about putting your macaroon in your saucer as I thought the chocolate ones would melt a bit, well the side that touched your teacup would that is, as the tea is hot, and by the time you left space for your teaspoon there wouldn't really be much space .... but, I thought I would try your macaroons again, I’ll have six; two strawberry ones; two lemon ones and two chocolate ones.'

‘We have stopped doing them.’

Monday, 15 May 2017

The Pope

The Pope was in Portugal on Saturday ... on Saturday Portugal won the Eurovision song contest ... that's all I'm saying.

Saturday, 13 May 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Emmanuel got Presidented; 
  • Theresa said she would quite like to be a President; 
  • Tom and Dustin got married; 
  • Shirley is going to judge on Strictly; 
  • Harry is going to have a garden party; 
  • the Queen told Harry 'them hedges need doing before you hold one of my garden parties'; 
  • David acted in a film; 
  • David went to the Brian Tilsley school of acting; 
  • David said ‘when do I say ‘flippin heck mam’; 
  • Donald said James was a grandstanding showboat - I liked Showboat; 
  • Harry wore a tweed suit and shoes with heels on them; and 
  • the Queen wore her third headscarf in as many days - mind she's got some headscarves; and 
  • Amber was cross about having to get up first thing of a Saturday morning to go on the telly.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted.  I thought I would have a little joke with Agatha 'I see you have a new President'.

'What?'

'With you being a French Patisserie ... a new President.' I added

'Eh?'

'Macron.'

'You want some macaroons?'

'No ...Macron.'

'Just the one macaroon?  We don't sell them in ones, people usually buy six.'

'I don't want macaroons.'

'I'll give you an assortment.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'Two of each colour.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'I'll put them in a box for you.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'I'll use a nice box, since your buying six.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'Do you want me to tie the box up with some ribbon?'

'I don't want macaroons.'

'I'll just pop them in your trolley for you.  Next!' shouted Agatha

I've got six macaroons now, and I'm not sure I like them.  I think I have been done.

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

Dear David - Terminated

Dear David

I am a rather senior person in … well let’s just call it an American law enforcement agency and I’ve just been sacked.

I am dead fed up I was just in the middle of a meeting when it happened.

I don’t know what to do as I have my holidays to pay for (I’ve already paid the deposit). Can you help?

David Responds

Oh that is awful, I bet you were really cross.

Why don’t you write to Theresa May, see if she has anything going, I hear she will be looking for a new health secretary after the election, do you know anything about health services?

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Dear David - Debate

Dear David

I am running an important election campaign but I don't want to do any leader debates because they look dead hard.  Can you suggest an alternative?

Theresa

David Responds

Oh yes they do look difficult don't they.  Why don't you go on the One Show, that should be a lot nicer.

You might want to prepare a little bit beforehand, it can be quite tricky to name your favourite colour if you haven't got an answer ready.

Sunday, 7 May 2017

Sunday Politics

Supposedly the EU Commission is interfering in our general election to influence the outcome, if they are, they are not doing a very good job of it.

If Diane Abbot had written her numbers on the side of a bus she would be Foreign Secretary by now.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Diane said ooh I hate numbers, they are dead confusing; 
  • Theresa had some chips; 
  • Theresa went to see the Queen; 
  • someone told the Queen she was getting a visitor; 
  • the Queen said ‘how lovely, I like visitors; 
  • someone told the Queen who the visitor was; 
  • the Queen said ‘oh not her again, she is dead miserable’; 
  • The Queen said she was having a floor session to make an announcement; 
  • the Queen said ‘eeh do all these people work for me’; 
  • the Queen said ‘Who’s that scruff at the front – can you not stick him at the back so I don’t have to look at him; 
  • Philip decided to retire; 
  • the Queen said ‘God no, is he going to be round the house all day’; 
  • the Queen said she had a Facebook page; 
  • the Queen said she had some friends on her Facebook she had no idea who they were; 
  • Paul said ‘eeh where’s all me votes gone’; and 
  • Camilla met Blondie;

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said

Agatha was in a new pinny, all summery and frilly ‘What can I get you this week?’ she asked

‘Oh I see you have a new pinny.’

‘Yes' grumbled Agatha 'it’s the new uniform.’ she continued with a look of disdain on her face

‘Don’t you like it?’

‘Not really. These frills are death traps. I caught one in the oven door yesterday I was trapped for twenty minutes with three dozen apple pies on regulo 5.’

‘Oh dear. It is a bit frilly I suppose, you’re not really a frilly person.’

‘What do you mean by that.’

‘Err nothing’ I faltered … ‘it's just ... you’re more … sturdy.’

‘Sturdy?’

‘Well not sturdy exactly … more … err … robust … yes, that’s a better word … robust.’

‘Are you looking for a fat lip.’

'I wasn't meaning anything, just that you're not a frills person.'

I picked up my multi-seeded sliced and left before things got ugly. You have to watch every word with that woman.

Friday, 5 May 2017

Dear David - Retirement

Dear David

I'm 95 and about to retire and I was wondering if you could suggest a suitable hobby? Mind I only have my pension so it will have to be cheap.

anon

David Responds

Oh well done you for retiring.  But you should be prepared, retirement from work can be a shock to the system especially if you call work asking people have they come far and having all you can eat buffets.  

A hobby is a great idea but if you are on a budget you will probably have to give photography or the horses a miss.

What about stamp collecting?  Do you or your wife get a lot of letters?  If so all you need is a saucer and some hot water for endless hours of fun.

I will send you a copy of my free leaflet 'How to get stamps off of envelopes but do it slowly or they tear'.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Dear David - Bill

Dear David

I’ve just received a bill for £100 billion. I’m that worried I’ve not slept. Can you help?

Theresa

David Responds

Eeh that’s a lot of money, what have you been buying. How did you let it get so much?

This is what happens when you put your statements in the drawer without looking at them.

Why don’t you write and tell them you are very sorry and offer to pay it in installments. Make an offer of £10 a week and see what they say.

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

Dear David - Chips

Dear David

I was made to eat some chips yesterday and people took photographs of me and it was dead embarrassing. How can I avoid this situation in the future?

Theresa

David Responds

Oh dear how awful.

Why not have a bacon sandwich next time … what could go wrong with that.

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Dear David - Newspaper Editor

Dear David

I started my new job editing a newspaper today but when I got to my office my desk was covered in sheets of paper with stories on them.  It was really messy and it spoilt my first day.  I was dead fed up.  What can I do?

George

David Responds

Oh that is annoying isn't it.  Why don't you fire someone and tell the rest not to leave their papers on your desk.