Saturday, 29 April 2017

Dear David - Glasses

Oh this this one of those electric letters … how do you open it again … let’s see … oh yes you click here don’t you …

Dear David

Sorry for being so chatty tonight but do you think Simon should learn to clean his glasses properly?


David Responds

Simon? Simon who? Oh isn’t he one of those people on that show with the weirdos on … I’ll have to watch it on that thing that isn't proper telly ...

…oh yes I see what you mean, but then he has always been a bit scruffy, what with that cheap t-shirt he always wears, the one that probably didn’t even fit on the day he bought it.

I’ll pop a packet of lens wipes in the post to him, that should help.

Dear David - Bank Holiday

Dear David

I’ve bought a new outfit for the bank holiday weekend - it’s called a dressing gown. Do you think I can get away with it? Picture enclosed.


David Responds

A letter of a bank holiday … I never get a minute to myself.

Let’s see what this one is about … I think I know who it is from, I recognise the green ink.

Oh there is a photograph in the envelope …fishing the photo out of the envelope …

… I like these letters …

… With photos in them …

… Where’s my glasses … let’s have a look …

I see you are wearing your dressing gown over your pajamas … what’s that little design on your pjs … I’ll just hold the picture to the window … get a bit more light on it so I can see … ah yes little trains, don’t you look cosy.

Ah yes well, I suppose you could call that a dressing gown, it is quite sturdy though for a dressing gown, what with it being made of leather, it doesn’t look very snuggly.

Why don’t you pop into Marks next week and get a nice new woolen one, they are sure to have them in the sale at this time of year.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen got a winner on the 2:30; 
  • Elton wasn't very well; 
  • some French people won an election - but they have to do it all again; 
  • Kistina might be going to LA; 
  • Freddie did a fashion shoot; 
  • Freddie said it was better than working for a living; 
  • some Newcastle footballers were quite happy; 
  • some Newcastle footballers said they thought it was too good to last; 
  • Paul said he was going to try and become an MP; 
  • Paul kept quiet about where he was going to try to be an MP – he can keep it quite forever if he likes; 
  • Paul decided he would stand in Skeggy - there's not much else to do in Skeggy;
  • Donald said it was dead hard being a President; and
  • Donald said he hardly gets any time to himself these days.


still at the Patisserie ...

'What's wrong with custard tarts?' queried Agatha

'They have connotations.'


'Yes ... well ... you know.'

'I don't know.'

'You do .. tarts .. and that.'

'Tarts and that?'

'Yes ... you know ... I can't give the vicar tarts can I? He might think I am suggesting a tarts and vicars party.'

'Oh for goodness sake.  ‘A Couple of fairy cakes then?'

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Cream horns?’

‘Oh no.’

‘Well what then?’

‘Have you not got anything else?’

‘Have I not got anything else?’



‘Go on then give me a couple of peach melbas.’

I wonder if ASDAs have a patisserie.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Eugenie got promoted; 
  • Eugenie said 'eeh how lovely, I must pop into work some time and see what it is I do'; 
  • Victoria got an oboe off William; 
  • Kylie said she wasn't dating Andrew; 
  • Theresa thought she might quite like to have an election; 
  • Theresa said if she had known Downing street was that windy she would have brought her hair spray; 
  • George packed one of his jobs in; 
  •  a load of MPs said they couldn’t be faffed with another election – I know how they feel;
  • The Queen had a birthday; 
  • the Queen said ‘I’m 100 you know’; 
  • Charles said ‘you’re not mam, you’re 91’;
  • the Queen went to the races for her birthday;
  • the Queen said she got a postal order for her birthday and she was putting it on a dead cert in the 3:30; and 
  • Kate and William played some tunes on the radio. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'I think I'll have something different for the vicar this week. I am sick of peach melbas.'

'Not again.' replied Agatha

'What's wrong.'

'We had this all out months ago, you create a right fuss when you want something different and I'll got a queue forming.'

'What fuss!' I demanded'

You wanted coconut haystacks without coconut in them, and you said you would try a lemon meringue pie but without the lemons or the meringue as you said meringue gives you the creeps.'

'I don't think I said 'creeps''.

‘Have you got anything different then?’

‘Like what?’



‘Not éclairs.’

‘Sly cakes.’

‘Not sly cakes.’

‘Custard tarts?’;

‘Oh no.’

‘Well what then?’


Sometimes it is really difficult to get served by her.

Friday, 21 April 2017

Dear David - Larry the cat

Dear David

I've had enough intrigue and in-fighting to last me a life time - could you suggest somewhere suitable for a holiday until its all over? 

Larry the Cat@Number10cat

David Responds

I don't often get a letter off of a cat ...

... where to live until it is all over ... I'm not sure.

... why don't you go and visit that nice Mr Gove, he seems to have a lot of time on his hands these days.

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Dear David - Election

Dear David

I am thinking of calling a general election.  what do you think?

David Responds

Not those shoes with that dress.

Saturday, 15 April 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry had a new tune out;
  • Simon had a beach holiday;
  • some people were at the Olivier awards;
  • Sergio won a game of golf;
  • The Queen fed a banana to an elephant; 
  • the Queen said ‘that elephant nearly had my hand off’; 
  • the Daily Mail had to pay damages for saying Melania worked as an escort; 
  • the Daily Mail had to print an apology; 
  • the Daily Mail said ‘do we have a page 147?’; 
  • the Daily Mail said ‘Is font 2 very big?’ 
  • the Queen gave away some Maundy money; 
  • the Queen said ‘eeh this Maundy money costs me a fortune’; 
  • Harry went to Toronto for the weekend;
  • Theresa wore a high-vis jacket;
  • Theresa said 'this isn't one of George's old ones is it?' and
  • the Queen advertised for a new butler. 


Agatha was at that Patisserie ...

As I approached the counter, Agatha started to place peach melbas on the front counter. 'Ok ok, you win' she announced 'I've got a load of fresh peach melbas in especially for you, they all have peaches in them and I am selling them at half price, here take them all.'

'No thanks, I've gone off them.'

Saturday, 8 April 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Doris got a new birth certificate; 
  • Camilla wore a red dress; 
  • Gary got a new room mate; 
  • Gary said 'I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before'; 
  • Theresa said that now we leaving the EU she supposes she will have to traipse around all the despots of the world looking for business; 
  • Charles and Camilla were in Italy; 
  • Harry was hanging from a helicopter - what a funny thing to do; 
  • Donald came to see Theresa - not that Donald; 
  • Pippa said she didn’t want any pretty women at her wedding; 
  • Pippa said it was ok for Kate to go to her wedding; 
  • Kate said ‘what did she mean by that?’; 
  • Donald said ‘what’s this button for?'; and 
  • some brown horses got ready to run round a field.


Agatha was at the Patisserie … she had my large multi-seeded ready on the counter.

‘I think I’ll have some peach melbas this week.’ I opened

‘I thought you might.’

‘I’ve got the vicar and choral society round this afternoon so I thought I would splash out

… I’d like exotic peach melbas … I want the raspberries soaked in kirsch and wrapped in a soft fondant cream 

…I want them coated in white chocolate and hand painted in radiant peach with a blush of rose to hint at the raspberry within 

… and I want them arranged in an artistic tableau to delight the senses 

… and I want the peaches transported on a fleet of white swans nestling on a tapestry of pistachio jocunde ..’

‘You want what?’ replied Agatha

‘My peach melbas ... I’d like them exotic … I want the raspberries soaked in kirsch and wrapped in a soft fondant cream …I want them coated in white chocolate and hand painted in radiant peach with a blush of rose to hint at the raspberry within … and I want them arranged in an artistic tableau to delight the senses … and I want the peaches transported in a fleet of white swans nestling on a tapestry of pistachio jocunde ..’

‘I’ve got two left over from yesterday and they are a bit bashed. I could stick them in a bag.’ offered Agatha

‘I suppose that will have to do.’

That woman has no imagination

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa decided to write a letter; 
  • Theresa said 'has anyone got a pen'; 
  • 'Theresa said 'how do you get the top off of this thing?'; 
  • Theresa said 'oh I can't write a letter in green ink - has anyone got a blue pen'; 
  • Theresa said 'where did I put that letter?' 
  • Theresa said 'I know I had it in the launderette because I remember thinking I must go to the Post Office for a stamp on the way home'; 
  • Ken said ‘Aaaaahhh’ as he came down the stairs; 
  • Ronaldo got a funny statue - not funny 'ha ha'; 
  • Adam said he wasn’t leaving Emmerdale; 
  • Theresa posted a letter; 
  • Theresa said ‘eeh I think I should have put a first class stamp on, but have you seen the price of them; 
  • Nicola saw Theresa had written a letter so she thought she would write a letter too; 
  • Nicola said her plates were killing her so she took her shoes off while she wrote a letter; 
  • Nicola said she must make sure she doesn’t put her shopping list in the wrong envelope by mistake; and
  • Anton had twins.


I’m not at the Patisserie …

It is just before dawn on a chilly mist shrouded morning. I am standing in a trolley shelter at the back of ASDAs.

A battered, old, dusty white van pulls into the far side of the car park.

Checking to make sure no one is about and keeping to the shadows I slowly make my way to the van.

Standing at the rear door of the van I am just about to bang on the door, when I am frozen to the spot by a muffled ‘Who’s there?’ coming from within the van.

I knock twice on the door ‘knock! knock!’ ‘Oleg’ I say

‘What’s the password? interrupted the voice. ‘Look you’re doing it wrong. Your not supposed to say the password until I say ‘What’s the password.’

‘Sorry.’ Long silence

‘Well say something then.’

‘You said not to say anything until you said ‘What’s the password.’

‘For heavens sake … never mind that. What do you want?’

‘Oleg … sorry errr … can you not open the door.’

‘Just a minute.’ There is a lot of shuffling around and some 'tutting' eventually the van door opens and Agatha peers out ‘Oh it’s you.’

‘Don’t be like that. You said I could get some peach melbas with peaches in them if I came here and gave the password.’

Agatha relented 'I suppose so, how many do you want?'

‘Can I have a dozen?’

‘I can’t let you have a dozen.’

‘Well ten then.’



‘I don’t think you are doing it right.’

'I can let you have two, that's my final offer.'

'Have they got peaches in them?'


'I'll take two.' Agatha placed two peach melbas in a plain brown paper bag. I took my purchase and quickly left before Agatha changed her mind.