Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Dear David - Letter

Dear David

I have just received a letter from the President of the European Commission saying he has no idea what hair conditioner I should use and to stop bothering him with daft questions because he is dead busy.

I thought it was a bit odd but I think I know what has happened … can you have a look in your post bag and see if you have a letter from me but it is addressed to Dear Donald Tusk. 

If you have could you pop it in an envelope and pass it on. Let me know how much the stamp for Europe is and I will send you a postal order.


David Responds

I have had a look round and found your letter to Donald, I’ll pop it into the post on the way to the library.

Oh and John Frieda do a nice conditioner for fly away hair.

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Dear David - Politics

Dear David

Are Stormont and Holyrood the equivalent of Hogwarts?

David Responds

I'm not sure, I don't really do Harry Potter.

Is it ... a magician has a wand and there are these witches and monsters that no one knows what they are for and everything is dead miserable. Hogwarts I mean not the other places ... actually now I think about it, yes they are.

Saturday, 25 March 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George got a job editing a newspaper - he said he would try and fit it in somehow;
  • Vera was 100;
  • Vera sang a song;
  • Vera sang 'There'll be bluebirds ...what is it?';
  • Vera said 'I'm 99 you know';
  • Vera's daughter said 'you're not mam you're 100';
  • Jude had a bump in his car; 
  • Ryan explained why he laughed; 
  • David and Boris had dinner together;
  •  David and Boris decided to split the bill 50\50; 
  • Boris said ‘I didn’t have a pudding’; 
  • Ann said she didn't agree with Charles - that's sisters for you; 
  • Douglas said he was fed up with that Nigel -I think we all are; and
  • Donald complained the Democrats didn't vote for his health bill - he might want to think that one through.


Agatha was a the Patisserie …

‘Moring dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual. While Agatha selected my multi-seeded from the shelf I continued ‘I see your peach melbas still don’t have any peaches in them.’

‘I explained that last week.’

‘I know … it’s the Brexit. But I hear you can get peaches in them if you know the right people. (wink)


‘I’m just saying you can get melbas with peaches in them if you know the right people.’ (wink wink).

‘What do you mean? And will you stop winking.’

‘I’ve just heard that if you go to the Bingo of a Friday night someone (wink) is parked outside with a van full of peach melbas.’ (wink wink)

‘Sshhh keep your voice down. Who told you about that.’

‘So it’s true then!’

‘I didn’t say that’ replied Agatha looking surreptitiously over her shoulder.

I sensed I was onto something ‘Maybe I should ask the manger about it.’

‘Err there’s no need for that. I can’t promise anything but maybe I can chat to a few people.’

‘That would be lovely.’

Agatha didn't look as though it would be lovely ‘If I could get you some melbas with peaches in them, no promises mind, but if I can, how many would you want.’

‘Oh I think I could manage with twelve.’

‘Twelve! I don’t think …

‘Maybe the manager …' I interrupted

‘That’s blackmail.’

'Blackmail is an ugly word ... let me know how you get on' I said as I picked up my multi-seeded ... to be continued. 

Saturday, 18 March 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen gave away a baton - she must have loads of batons;
  • Nicola thought she might quite like to have another referendum - we've had loads of them recently;
  • Davina was the latest one to be given a turkey;
  • Angela got delayed by the snow from seeing Donald;
  • Angela said 'he better not try holding my hand';
  • Donald said he hoped it wouldn't be as bad as predicted - we all hope that:
  • apparently Donald meant storm Stella;
  • Philip said he thought numbers were dead hard;
  • Philip said 'What's a manifesto?';
  • Philip said 'ooh aren't there a lot of pages in a manifesto';
  • the Queen had the builders in';
  • the Queen watched the builders put scaffolding up against her front room';
  • the Queen tried on a new hat;
  • the Queen heard a tap at the window and someone shout 'hello darlin' nice titfer'; and 
  • some new people are going to do the Bake off.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ... there were no pleasantries this week ...

'I have a complaint.'

'You need to see a doctor.' replied Agatha

'What? ... oh very funny ... I have a complaint about your peach melbas.'

'What about my peach melbas?'

'Last week they didn't have any peaches in them.'

'Ah ... oh yes I forgot about that ... it's the Brexit, we aren't allowed to get our peaches from ... errr .... Switzerland anymore ... yes Switzerland.'

'Oh?  You don't get peaches from Switzerland.'

'That's what I said.'

'No I mean Switzerland isn't known for it's peaches, anyway Switzerland isn't in the EU.'

'Isn't it ... oh errrr ... well Austria then. We aren't allowed to get our peaches from Austria anymore, what with the Brexit.'

'That's a shame, I like a peach melba.'

'I know, you get through enough of them.' retorted Agatha

'You were selling peach melbas last week ... without peaches in them.  I heard you were selling the peaches separately from your van outside the backs of ASDAs.'

'Who said I was doing that? demanded Agatha 'He's looking for a fat lip.'

I could sense Agatha's annoyance so I picked up my multi-seeded sliced and left.

I don't know what the vicar is going to say about no peach melbas.

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • James won’t be making any more cakes; 
  • Philip read out some numbers; 
  • Philip said everything was lovely and we were all getting kittens; 
  • Nicola said she might quite like to have another vote – Scotland must have loads of those little pieces of paper; 
  • George is getting £650,000 for working one day a week – that’s a lot of money; 
  • Gareth got some new hair; 
  • Mel and Sue said they couldn't be faffed with doing the Nightly show; 
  • Kate wore some earrings; 
  • Ed had eleven tunes in the top ten;
  • Ed said 'I'm sure this can't be right;
  • Dermot had an accident; 
  • Ramses turned up in Cairo; and
  • Steps might be stepping out again. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear' I said I see you're back after your ... illness.'

'My illness? I've not been ill.'

'Oh I heard you had had the leprosy.'

'Who said I've had that?' snapped Agatha 'it will be that Mavis off of the checkout ... she has always got plenty to say ... she is looking for a fat lip.'

'Err no it wasn't Mavis .. it was your Margaret actually.'

'Margaret? ... she said that did she, wait 'till I see her.  What else did she say?'

'Err nothing really ... just as how you had a funny turn with the leprosy when you were carrying a tray of peach melbas.'

'That wasn't because of the leprosy ... it was they tray ... it was heavy ... and I lifted it too quickly, I just got a bit dizzy.'

'Ah yes, peach melbas can be heavy ... especially with your pastry!' I tittered

'What do you mean about my pastry?' shot back Agatha

Err nothing ... just them trays ... they look dead heavy ... what with them being full of small cream cakes.

Agatha narrowed her eyes 'What are you getting at?'

'Nothing ... I was just saying ... your job has a lot of dangers ... you have a lot to put up with.'

'You can say that again.'

I wonder what she meant by that?

Saturday, 4 March 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Warren said 'yes of course I will do it, how hard can it be to open an envelope;
  • someone said 'don't be daft, why should we put all the cards in different colour envelopes'; 
  • the Queen had a party - she is never in;
  • some people won Oscars and some people didn't;
  • Salman went on holiday with 500 tons of luggage; 
  • Salman has got a gold plane;
  • it rained on the first day of Salman's holiday;
  • Salman forgot to bring an umbrella on holiday;
  • Salman said 'I knew I'd forgotten something';
  • Katy chucked Orlando – mind she gets through some lads; 
  • the Queen was asked if she was doing much of an October; 
  • the Queen said ‘err no, I think I’m quite free of an October’; 
  • the Queen was told they would pencil in a visit from that Donald; 
  • the Queen said ‘oh me and my big mouth’; 
  • Theresa gave up crisps for Lent; 
  • Walkers closed a factory – I am not sure the two are connected; and 
  • Doddy got his sirknighthoodship.


Margaret was at the Patisserie …

‘Oh hello’ I said a little surprised to see Margaret behind the counter ‘Is your Agatha not on today?’

‘Ooh no’ replied Margaret ‘she is off with the shingles.’

‘Oh dear’

‘Yes she was just serving some peach melbas and she got an attack of the shingles.’

‘Oh dear’ I said slightly alarmed

‘Yes she had just started serving these peach melbas and she said “eeh our Margaret I think I’m getting an attack of the shingles” and then she started all trembling.’

‘Oh dear’ I said getting more alarmed

Margaret continued “eeh” she said “it’s just like when I had the leprosy”

‘Oh dear’ increasingly alarmed

‘I said eeh our Agatha are you sure it's not the leprosy ... you really should be wearing gloves after you had the leprosy ... I told you that I said ... but she said she couldn't be bothered with putting gloves on and anyway hers are always at the bottom of her shopping bag.'

‘Oh dear’ I said now very alarmed ‘So was she actually holding the peach melbas when she got the attack of the leprosy?’

‘Well we don’t know it was the leprosy, but she was serving some fancies. What can I get you?’

‘Err just a loaf' I said looking round to see if they had any wrapped ones.

After getting my wrapped loaf Margaret asked me if I wanted anything else 'How about one of our fancies, we have loads of melbas left.'

Err no your all right just the loaf.' I picked up my purchases and left.