Saturday, 25 February 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Joan had a party at Claridges; 
  • Danny was flustered; 
  • the Queen had a party - she is never in;
  • Trinny said 'eeh I like it in this Green room;
  • Trinny said 'what's that in them blue bottles?;
  • Trinny said 'eeh it's dead nice, it tastes just like pop';
  • some people got awards for singing tunes;
  • Harry had a day out in Newcastle; 
  • Howard had a baby – that’s four he’s got now; 
  • a goalie said he wished he had had chips instead of a pie; 
  • Wayne isn't getting some new china … at least I think that is what the sports news said, I wasn’t really listening; 
  • Dolly has $500 million – that’s a lot of money; and
  • Ed’s next door neighbour is Harry – not that Harry;  


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear.'  I said 'I'll have the usual.'  Agatha gathered my items and placed them on the counter.

'Is that everything?'

'Have you got marzipan fingers?' I asked

'I beg your pardon.'

'Marzipan fingers, I've heard you have marzipan fingers.'

'Who said I've got marzipan fingers, I'll smash his face in.'

'No ... no I don't mean you have marzipan fingers ... I was just asking if you stock them.'

'Oh I see ... no we don't stock them.'

'ASDAs does them.'

'We don't do them.'

'ASDAs have a range of different types of marzipan fingers.'

'We don't do them.'

'ASDAs ... Agatha interrupted me

'Look do you want anything else or not?'

'I was just saying.'

'Well don't.'

'Wasn't doing any harm ... just saying ASDAs does marzipan fingers.'

'Well why don't you go to rotten ASDAs then' snapped Agatha at the very moment the manager came in from out the back.

'Agatha, a word.' shouted the manager

'Now see what you have done.' said Agatha as she went off to see the manager

What did I do?

Thursday, 23 February 2017

Little Mix

Brit award for Little Mix last night … so deserved for that beautiful haunting lyric …

... ’a deleted all ur pics’ ... la la la laaa

Saturday, 18 February 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Prue might be the new Mary - it won't be the same;
  • the Queen went somewhere secret for a visit;
  • the Queen had to enter her password to get into the secret place to do a visit;
  • the Queen said 'Philip ... what was our mam's cat called again';
  • Philip said 'your mam never had a cat';
  • the Queen said 'she did man, she got that stray just after we got back from Singapore ... or was it Japan, anyway somewhere like that';
  • Philip said 'Japan's never  the same as Singapore'; 
  • the Queen said 'oh it is, they are all over there, anyway what was the name of our mam's cat;
  • Philip said wasn’t it called ‘Auchtermuchty’; 
  • the Queen said ‘that can’t be right it has too many letters’; 
  • Harrison said ‘where the bloody hell did that come from; 
  • Adele won some things; 
  • Ryan is going to do EastEnders – what with Duncan being in of Hollyoaks; and
  • Donald tried to do a press conference.


Agatha was at the Patisserie … and she was on her own …

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘Have you finished your training then?’

‘What do you want.’ snapped Agatha

‘Still a way to go then’ I tittered

‘What do you want.’ Agatha repeated

‘Just the usual please.'  Agatha started to gather my items 'I was just wondering …’ I paused and looked over my shoulder conspiratorially to check there was no one around ... ‘who this customer was that got duped by a scam.'

‘Oh err, I don’t know.’

‘Oh you must know, you work on here all the time, you must have heard.’

‘Well I think it was a regular customer, comes in for a sliced multi-seeded and a couple of fancies for him and the vicar.’

'Ooh I said' satisfied with this bit of gossip … I wonder who it is.

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Dear David - Donald

Dear David

Donald's hair style confuses me. Do you think a center parting might help instead of a left side one?

David Responds

I am not really sure what to suggest but I don't think a center parting would make much difference.

I suppose a style that goes with a Max Factor pan stick foundation would help.

Monday, 13 February 2017


Dear David

Some one told me that if I re watched the video clip of Piers Morgan being told to f*** off 100 time I would get bored with it.  Is that true?

David Responds

I didn't.

Saturday, 11 February 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Gaga sang some songs at a football match; 
  • England won a football match - well sort of England; 
  • Alistair packed in cricket; 
  • David published some emails - well he didn't publish them exactly; 
  • Kylie bought Joshua some new hair; 
  • Kylie said she wishes she hadn't bothered now; 
  • the Queen got a sapphire; 
  • the Queen got a 41 gun salute; 
  • the Queen forgot she was getting a 41 gun salute; 
  • the Queen dropped a teacup and said what the bloody hell was that; 
  • Nigel got some free eggs; 
  • Tom has been seeing Priscilla;
  • Olly is going to be the new Surprise Surprise – or is it the blind date thing – well one of them; 
  • Cher was 70 – she must be older than that surely; 
  • Judy is trying to flog her house so she can be nearer the kids;
  • Andy said ‘oh hurrah my day just gets better’; 
  • someone is leaving the Paradise thing that no one watches; 
  • Kate got a new eyeliner – I wonder if it is from the Joan Collins range: 
  • Donald lost 3 nil; and 
  • Danny thought he might quite like to be the new Dr. 


Margaret was at the Patisserie, holding her tongs and ready to serve ... with Agatha hovering in the background ...

'Oh are you on here today? I asked

Margaret leaned forward and confided ... ‘The manager said Agatha had to undergo retraining.’

‘All right he doesn’t need to know that’ said Agatha

Margaret continued ... ‘The manager said …' Margaret paused thoughtfully waving her tongs ... 'oh what did he say again …’ ’

‘I don’t remember’ answered Agatha

‘I know, I remember now. ’

‘You would.’

‘He said your actions were a despicable and a deplorable attempt to dupe an innocent customer.’

‘He didn’t say “deplorable”, you just made that up’

‘He said despicable though. He said in all his years he had never seen such actions.’

‘All right … you said.’

‘He said you were bringing the good name of the supermarket into disrepute. Ah that’s what he said disrepute” not “deplorable” I knew it began with a ‘d’.

‘All right he doesn’t need to know that’ repeated Agatha

'The manager said ... ' Agatha snapped at this point and said 'are you going to serve him or not.'

I could see trouble brewing so I selected my items and left.  I wonder what that was all about. 

Saturday, 4 February 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Justin wore some glasses;
  • the Queen said 'well he's not getting my best china';
  • Peter said he couldn't be faffed to be the doctor any longer; 
  • Camilla wore a tweed coat - mind she has had some wear out of that coat; 
  • Johnny spends £1.5 a month on things – eeeh what a lot of money; 
  • Leonardo is going to do the Oscars; 
  • Nicole is gong to be Captain America …. or something like that; 
  • Robbie hurt himself playing with his laptop; 
  • Kylie checked her lad;
  • some people were getting ready to play rugby; 
  • Meghan might have moved in with Harry;
  • Miranda is going to be in Annie;
  • David said 'eehh these emails is a nightmare'; 
  • the Queen is going to start flogging her champagne to the French; and
  • Angela said she couldn't be faffed with talking to Theresa - can't say I blame her. 


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie … the manager was at the Patisserie

‘…oh hello I said’ caught a bit off guard. I started to look around for Agatha and the little paper slips … I couldn’t find either.

‘Have you not got no little paper slips?’ I asked

‘Have I not got what?’ said the manager

‘Your little paper slips’

‘What paper slips?’

‘For your Argos thing.’

‘What Argos thing’

‘Last week Agatha told me you were getting of an Argos and I had to fill in a little paper slip for my items’

‘Oh yes … did she now, and what else did Agatha say?’ Just then Agatha came in from out the back. She saw the manager and started shaking her head vigorously and whispering something I couldn’t quite make out.

‘She said I had to fill the forms in now’ I continued ‘and there was a £1 service charge because of the Brexit and the Argos.’

‘Oh yes … ‘

Agatha was still shaking her head and was making a cutting movement across her throat.

'... but she said I didn't have to fill the forms in when I get my things off her from her white van out the back of the ASDA.'

The manager shouted for Margaret to come and serve this customer while he took Agatha out the back.

Margaret seems very efficient ... and cheaper too ... and I didn't hear that 'kkkeeerrrrrchhhinnnngggggggg noise when I left either.