Sunday, 29 January 2017


It has been reported that Donald Trump held Theresa May's hand because he has difficulty navigating stairs ...

... perhaps he is a dalek?

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David has been shooting pheasants - at least I think it said pheasants; 
  • Theresa went to America to meet Donald; 
  • Theresa was warned about Donald; 
  • Theresa said 'he does what?'; 
  • Tom lost £2 million on his new programme - eeh what a lot of money; 
  • Ant and Dec got oboes – that’s nice … I didn’t know they were musical; 
  • Rod wore a sheepskin coat; 
  • Richard hurt his arm; 
  • Ben packed it in on Coronation Street;
  • Janet went to the shops after having a baby;
  • Theresa lost an ‘h’ in America; 
  • Barbra said she shouldn’t worry about it; 
  • Theresa said 'what you doing?';
  • Theresa said she wished she had brought her gloves - her thick ones;
  • Theresa said 'has anyone got any hand wash;'
  • Theresa went to Turkey for dinner;
  • Theresa said 'ooh I like a turkey dinner; and
  • Mary got a new recipe book - I thought she had learned them all by now.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear.' I said 'I'll just have my usual.'

'Just fill in the paper slip.' she responded indicating a small pile of paper and pencil on the counter

'Fill what in the what?'  I queried

'The little paper slip ... there, I told you we were getting an Argos in last week.'

'I know, but I didn't think ...'  I faltered  'What do I do?'  I asked looking at the paper slips uncertainly

'Just tick the boxes of the things you want' instructed Agatha

'Ok.'  I looked at the slip of paper 'All these things are written by hand.' I observed

'Er yes, well we haven't set up up fully yet.'

'I see, it's in green ink'

'It's the only pen I could ... I mean the only pen they could find'

'Ah right'  I started ticking the boxes 'Are you sure this is the proper paper. These look like the backs of old cigarette boxes'

'Errr yes, like I say we are just setting it up, we haven't got the proper paper in yet'

I continued filling out the form 'This doesn't look right I am sure there is a 'W' in wholemeal somewhere'

'Look just fill the form in'

'What's this at the bottom ...'service charge'

'Ah yes we have had to introduce a service charge'

'£1 looks a bit steep'

'It's the Brexit ... and the Argos'

I picked up my items and reluctantly handed over the extra charge.  As I left the Patisserie I heard that 'kkeeeeerrrrchhhhingggg noise again.  I wonder what it is.

Saturday, 21 January 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news
  • Theresa made a speech; 
  • Theresa is the ironing lady – I think that is what they said; 
  • Alexander was pointless; 
  • the Queen was back to work; 
  • Tom got an award; and 
  • Ellen got one as well; 
  • Extra Factor got axed – I thought it had finished years ago; 
  • Bruce played some tunes for Barak; 
  • Donald said why do I have to be President outside?; 
  • Donald said ‘eeh isn’t it cold out here; 
  • Barak said “you think this is cold!”; 
  • Lauren got some eyebrows; 
  • Hilary sang ‘It should have been me’; 
  • David is going to pick some tunes on the radio to take to a desert island; 
  • Victoria said ‘you’re not to have dessert; 
  • David said ‘desert’ not ‘dessert’; and 
  • William packed his job in - no not that job. 


There was building disruption at the Patisserie ...

'What's going on here' I queried

'We are having an Argos put in.'

'Is that so you can make more pies?'

'What? ... pies? ... no not an Aga, an Argos.'

'What's one of them.'

'It's like a shop.'

'This is a shop.'

'No another shop.'

'What you want another shop in your shop for?'

'We just do.'

‘What’s an Argos then?’

‘It’s like a shop.'

'You said that.  I thought you said it was a shop?'

'Well yes it is a shop, but a different type of shop. You choose what you want from a catalogue then fill a little form in and wait 20 minutes for someone to get what you want, then they say they haven’t got it.’

‘That’s like you and your peach melbas.’ I laughed. Agatha gave me a harsh stare as she pursed her lips.

‘Well not exactly like you and your our peach melbas.’ I corrected ‘eerrr hardly like you and your peach melbas at all in fact. I'll just have my usual.' I picked up my items and left.

I wonder what this Argos is going to be ....

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news
  • Ed needs to splash out on a few new jumpers; 
  • Donald has been in the news;
  • Donald said 'eeeh them Russians';
  • Tristram packed his job in; 
  • Tristram got a new job at the V and A; 
  • Tristram said is this where they had that big dinosaur?; 
  • Marie isn’t going to sing for Donald; 
  • Sarah isn’t doing Ghost anymore – I didn’t know she was; 
  • Barak gave Joe a medal; 
  •  someone played Michael in a programme and he looked nothing like Michael – but it wasn’t on proper telly so I haven’t seen it; 
  • Theresa said GPs should be open 24 hours a day;
  • Theresa said she didn't think the Houses of Parliament should be open 24 hours a day; 
  • some celebrities are still in a house; and 
  • some people who want to be singing celebrities were singing on the telly. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said

‘Morning’ replied Agatha ‘You’re usual?’ she enquired

‘Yes please.’

‘Just to let you know .. I’ve had to put 10p on your peach melbas.’





‘That’s a bit steep.’

‘Sorry.’ replied Agatha ‘it’s out of my hands … it’s Brexit.’

‘Brexit? What’s that got to do with it.’

‘Well . Eerrr … it’s your peaches isn’t it.’

‘My peaches? What about them?'

‘err yes your peaches ... they have gone up ‘coz of the Brexit.’

‘But you get your peaches from Africa. Africa’s not in Europe’

‘Err well yes, but they have to come past Europe to get here don’t they.’

‘Oh I see. Does that mean every thing goes up.’

‘Oh yes definitely.’

‘I suppose I will have my usual then.’ I took my purchase and reluctantly handed over an extra 20p.

As I left the store I heard that ‘kkkkkerrrrrchingggg' noise again. I wonder what it is.

Monday, 9 January 2017


In advance of the US Presidential inauguration I have taken out a copyright on the phrase 'That Donald.'

Saturday, 7 January 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news
  • Ore won Strictly - I had £2 on that;
  • Janet had a baby; 
  • Diplodocus packed it in at the British Museum; 
  • some famous people celebrated Christmas; 
  • Leonardo is going to give away some golden globes – how lovely; 
  • Mariah sang a song – or didn’t sing a song; 
  • the Queen still had a cold;
  • Vivienne wore a hat; 
  • Jamie is going to close six restaurants;  
  • some people you have never heard of went in the Celebrity Big Brother house;
  • Nicola said she couldn't be bothered to faff on with another referendum at the minute; and
  • Harry went to Norway;.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Happy New Year' I greeted

'Oh same to you' she replied as she put her tongs down and gave a furtive look around the store.  Agatha leaned over the counter and lowered her voice.  'I'm not supposed to ask the customers' she began 'but can I lend a tab off you?'

'Can I borrow a tab off you?' I corrected

'I asked you for one first.'

'What?  No, I don't want a tab.'

'You just said you did.'

'I didn't ... you said you wanted to lend a tab off me but you can't lend one off me ... but you can borrow one off me.'

'Great, hand it over I'll give you one back next time you're in.'

'I haven't got any.'

'You just said you did, you said I could lend one off you.'

'I didn't ... I said you would have to borrow one off me not lend one off me.'

'Ok then can I borrow a tab off you.'

'I haven't got any.'

'Why do you keep saying you have.'

'I don't.'

'You do.'

'I don't.'

'So you're not going to give me a tab?'


'I wish you would make up your mind up, hand it over when the manager isn't looking.'

'I said yes I wasn't giving you one.'

'You're getting right on my nerves'  and with that Agatha shouted for Margaret to come to the counter and serve this customer while she stormed off muttering something about spiflicating someone.

I wonder what was the matter with her.