Saturday, 18 November 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Mo got his sirknighthoodship;
  • Mo got a big hat;
  • Some people you never heard of headed to the jungle;
  • Boris's dad went into the jungle;
  • the wrong one went into the jungle;
  • Leonardo sold one of his paintings for $450; 
  • Leonardo said ‘eeh that’s a lot of money for one of my paintings’; 
  • Leonardo said he wished he had done a few more n
  • paintings now; 
  • Michael and Boris are friends again; 
  • Boris must really want to be Prime Minister;
  • Theresa was in Gothenburg;
  • Theresa said she was clear ... very clear  ... about something or other;
  • Serena got married.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘How can I help you?’ asked Agatha ‘We now have our Christmas range in.’

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘as it’s November I suppose you have your Christmas range in.’

‘Yes we have the full range available today.’

‘Have you got the full range?’

‘We have got mince pies, Christmas cake, stollen .. the full range.’

‘Have you got mince pies?’

Agatha started to look a bit cross ‘I just said … we have got lots of mince pies, packs of mince pies, anything you want.’

‘Do you have packs of mince pies?’

‘Are you on a time delay? Yes, we have packs of fours and twos.’

‘How many are in your packs? Have you got sixes?’

‘Look I just said we have packs and no we don’t do sixes we do fours and twos.’

‘I wanted six.’

‘We do fours and twos.’

‘I wanted six.’

‘I could do you a four and a two’ offered Agatha’

‘It’s not the same, I wanted a pack of six.’

Agatha leaned over the counter and lowered her voice ‘I could do you three twos and just charge you for two fours’ Agatha looked over her shoulder ‘but don’t tell the manager.’

‘Oh that is very good of you, I’ll have three twos then.’

Agatha made up my order and I left. As I walked to the checkout I heard that ‘Keerrrrrcchhhinnnggggg! noise again.

Saturday, 11 November 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Aston left Strictly;
  • Priti went to Africa; 
  • Priti came back from Africa sooner than she thought;
  • Theresa said 'I'll have no one left at this rate';
  • the Queen said 'eeh have I got that much money';
  • George got a new statue;
  • Louis said his jet wasn't really a jet it was a big car, a big car with wings;
  • Doddy was 90; 
  • Barak turned up for jury duty; 
  • Theresa said she was dead fed up; 
  • Conor went to a boxing match;
  • Conor was told he wasn't supposed to be at a boxing match;
  • Tom got a new chimney; and 
  • Ant and Dec went to Australia.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning’ she greeted

‘Morning’ I replied

‘Right, what can I get you … a strawberry tureen trifle?’


‘or perhaps a unicorn illusion cake?’


Or a sachertorte with a lemon glaze?’

‘I’m not with you’

‘or maybe an opera cake with a side of crushed raspberries’

‘you have lost me’

‘or maybe you would like me to go on a four week overland trek over the Eurasian steppes to get you some yak milk to make a Mongolian blancmange?’

‘you don’t get yaks in Mongolia.’



‘I’ve had weeks of your fancy Bake off demands, well now I’m ready for you, I’ve got everything … what do you want this week?’

‘I’ll have two jam doughnuts.’

I don’t know what is wrong with her these days.

Friday, 10 November 2017

Dear David - Gift

Dear David

I have started my Christmas shopping and just found a lovely make up kit that I think would be ideal for my friend. Unfortunately the pack has a ‘Starter Kit’ sticker on the front. Do you think I should still buy the gift?

Photo of my friend enclosed.


David Responds

Oh dear a sticker on a make-up pack saying ‘starter kit’ you might as well say you are as ugly as sin but have a go with this, see if it does any good.

No I don’t think you should buy this as a gift for your friend.

Oh wait a minute … there is a photograph in the envelope …

… I like these letters …

… with photographs in them …

… let’s have a look …

Ah … oh dear … buy the gift.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Dec was disheveled;
  • Louis won some car race;
  • Prue told us who won the Bake off;
  • Robert got some grey hair;
  • Cheryl is going to do Strictly on Ice;
  • David fixed his freezer;
  • Victoria said can we not get a professional in, we have loads of money;
  • David said had she seen the prices they charge;
  • David and Victoria had a Halloween party; 
  • Victoria said ‘have you fixed that freezer yet’; 
  • Michael said he couldn’t be bothered being Secretary of State anymore; 
  • Julia said she didn’t like her legs being bandied around on the news; 
  • Alex is doing Strictly on Ice; 
  • Donald lost his Twitter account for eleven minutes;
  • the world had its best eleven minutes this year; and 
  • some people were on the Orient Express. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘What with the Bake off finishing I think I’ll have some special celebration bread this week.'

‘Oh has it finished? asked Agatha 'Thank goodness for that, we might get back to normal now.’ I ignored this slight to my TV show.

‘I think I’ll have a selection of celebration loves.’ I repeated

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘Can I have a focaccia?’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘and a savoury filled plait.’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘and a Rye split’

‘I’ve got baps.’

‘Can I have a mix of wholemeal, spelt and mixed grain?’

‘I’ve got brown or white.’

I could see I wasn’t going to get my celebration loaves. ‘Do you still flour your baps?’

‘I beg your pardon.’ said Agatha sharply

‘Nothing' I could see Agatha wasn't in a mood for fripperies 'I’ll have a dozen brown baps.’

I don’t know why I keep on coming here, they never have what I want.

Saturday, 28 October 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry went to Lancashire; 
  • Gareth got some new hair;
  • Bruno had a holiday in LA;
  • Bruno was tired;
  • Siobhan said she wasn't that fussed about Elizabeth;
  • Harry went to Copenhagen - Harry gets around;
  • Wayne got some trainers;
  • Wayne said 'who knew there were this many park benches in Liverpool;
  • Nick lost some of his listeners;
  • the Queen said she had been married nearly 70 years;
  • Philip said he thought it seemed longer;
  • Philip said 'Your mam never liked me';
  • the Queen said 'Our mam was right about you'; and
  • Olivia is going to play the Queen because Claire is fed up with it;
  • the Queen said she should try doing it for 70 years;
  • Philip said 'Not that again';
  • Simon fell down the stairs  and
  • Gemma fell through the floor.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted

'What can I get you this week?' asked Agatha

'Have you got craquelin buns?'

'I beg your pardon'

'The vicar said he thought you had craquelin buns.'

'If you don't stop that I'll call the manager.'

I decided to change tack, I could see she was in one of her moods. 'Well have you got two pink meringue flamingos?'

'No, look I've got apple turnovers and doughnuts and hurry and make your mind up, you've got a queue forming.'

'Have you got something Halloweeney?'


'Yes sort of Halloweeeney ... maybe a scary cake.  I think the vicar might quite like that.'

'I thought vicars were against that sort of thing.'

'That's more your Catholics. The Father at Mary of the Immaculate Conception said he thought pumpkins were the work of the devil.'

'I haven't got time for this' said Agatha with a touch of impatience

'Can you put black icing on a couple of apple turnovers?'

Agatha pulled a face and gave a little shudder 'You want apple turnovers covered in icing?'


'If it means you will go away, I suppose so, but I haven't got black.'


'I've got orange.'

'Great I'll have two apple turnovers with orange icing.'

Sometimes it can be realy difficult to get the simplest thing at that Patisserie.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa went on a surprise trip to Brussels with David;
  • David was surprised Theresa when turned up to go to Brussels with him;
  • David said 'you're not going to cough in my ear all the way there are you?';
  • Theresa and David had dinner with Michel and Jean-Claude;
  • Theresa asked who was paying the bill;
  • Theresa said she didn't have a pudding;
  • Cher is going to do Mamma Mia 2;
  • Ed fell off his bicycle;
  • Meghan met the Queen; 
  • the Queen said ‘Have you come far?’;  
  • Colleen went on holiday;
  • someone left Strictly; and
  • someone left the Apprentice as well; and
  • Angelina walked on a carpet.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said ‘Have you got a couple of big clangers?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Clangers, I was wondering if you had a couple of large ones?’

‘If you don’t stop saying that I will call the manager.’

‘They are sort of suet based pies,’ I started to explain ‘with savoury at one end and sweet at the other, like a big pie.’

‘Oh, i see, well no, we don’t do them.’

‘Are you sure? I was thinking they would do nice for the vicar.’

‘No, we don’t do them’

‘Can you not knock me a couple up.’

‘Can I not knock you some up?’



‘Go on.’

‘Well I suppose ... ' I could see Agatha was weakening and her mind was racing ‘I could get a cheese pasty and a jam doughnut and staple them together.’

‘It’s not the same.’

‘It’s all I’ve got.’

‘I’ll take two.’

Saturday, 14 October 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some Welsh footballers decided they weren't going to go to Russia; 
  • Theresa said 'If one more person says "It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in" I shall get really cross; 
  • the Queen went back to work after her summer holidays - eeh it's nearly Christmas and she just got back; 
  • Donald thought he would take an IQ test; 
  • Brooklyn had an ice cream; 
  • the Queen asked someone to check her purse to make sure she didn’t have any of the old pound coins left; 
  • Sting sold his house in New York; 
  • Ryan is going to do Neighbours;
  • someone left the Apprentice; and 
  • someone won't be doing Bake off anymore;
  • Gloria got an OBE off of the Queen;
  • the Queen said 'ooh I'm thinking of having a winter break can you recommend anywhere?'
  • Gloria said that was Judith; and
  • Nicole might be leaving X Factor.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll have a dozen cannoli this week.'

'A dozen what?' quertied Agatha

'A dozen cannoli.' I repeated

'I can only let you have six.'

''I wanted twelve' Agatha started to titter

'What? Oh I see, very funny can only have six, stop messing about have you got a dozen?'

'Are they for the vicar?'


'Holy cannoli!  Eeh I'm on form this morning.' laughed Agatha

'Are you going to be like this all day.'

'I was only having a laugh.'

'Well don't this is important I need a dozen cannoli for my Italian extravaganza for the vicar this afternoon. Can I have Armagnac filling cannoli dipped in a rich raspberry sauce?’

‘We have vanilla.’ Replied Agatha

‘Have you not got something a bit more exciting?’

‘Like what?’

‘Like Limón celli.’ I suggested


‘Passion fruit?’






‘Cherry Kirsch?’


‘Well what have you got?’

‘I told you … vanilla.’

‘That will have to do I suppose I’ll have 12 vanilla cannoli.’

Miserable old bag

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa went to Manchester; 
  • Theresa said 'ooh is this the North, isn't it cold; 
  • Harry thought he would like to captain a football team; 
  • Tyson won't be boxing again; 
  • Theresa asked if anyone had a Fisherman's Friend; 
  • Amber told Boris to stand up and applaud; 
  • Melania wore sunglasses in the evening; 
  • Melania said ‘who put that tree there?’; 
  • some England footballers played football – they are always playing football; 
  • Boris is selling some trophies (not that Boris);
  • Some comedian you have never heard met some nice policemen at a conference;
  • Theresa said ‘What was that that just fell off of the wall’;
  • Wayne pained a park bench;
  • the Queen said it could be dead noisy at Windsor;
  • thw Queen said sometimes she could hardly hear herself think because of them airplanes;
  • Cheryl thought she might do X Factor again; and
  • Olly is going to do The Voice.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll have a pie this week.'

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.' replied Agatha

'I think I'll have a celebration pie.'

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.'

'Something savory with a fruit glaze top.' I continued

'We have mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.'

‘Can you do my pie with a chequerboard filling?’

‘We do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

‘with a nice egg glaze.’ I prompted again

‘We do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

‘and could I have four, each one with an individual design to make a set.’

‘Do you want four mince and onion or four chicken and mushroom.’

‘Have you not got Widgeon?’




‘Stop saying pigeon.’

‘Look I only do mince and onion or chicken and mushroom.’

I began to sense I wasn’t going to get an exciting pie ‘I’ll have two of each’

I wonder if ASDAs do pies. 

Saturday, 30 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some famous people danced on the telly; 
  • Harry held a hand; 
  • Donald (not that Donald) went to Downing street for lunch with Theresa; 
  • Theresa wasn't expecting Doanld; 
  • Theresa said 'eeh I've nothing in we will have to send out for sandwiches, have you got two pounds'; 
  • Theresa was furious because she couldn't sell her airplanes; 
  • Donald said 'Only America First - to be fair he was quite clear about that; 
  • Some people who aren’t famous are going to become Apprentices; 
  • Bruce is going to do another Die Hard; 
  • Theresa went to Estonia; 
  • Theresa said ‘eeh I’ve never been to Estonia it’s dead like Russia; 
  • Henry thought he would quite like to be this week’s leader of UKIP;


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted 'I think I'll have an ornamental trifle terrine.'

'Flamin' bake off' muttered Agatha

'What was that?'

'Nothing, what do you want?'

'I'll have an ornamental trifle terrine.' I repeated

‘We don’t do trifles.’

‘Yes you do, I got one here last Christmas.’

‘Ah yes well we do do them of a Christmas, that’s different.’

‘Can I not have one now, it’s nearly Christmas.’

‘It’s not nearly Christmas it’s only September.’

‘Well could you not knock one up.’

‘How do you expect me to do that’ said Agatha in exasperation ‘they take ages to set.’

‘You could do me a small one.’


‘Go on.’


‘Go on.’

‘Look I can’t’ do you a trifle I haven’t the ingredients and I haven’t got the time, so if you don’t want anything else can you move along, I’ve got a queue forming.’

’You get quite cross when you are asked for trifles don’t you.’

‘‘I don’t.’

‘You do, you’re cross now.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You are.’

‘Look I’m not cross’ hissed Agatha as she slammed her tongs on the counter.’

I picked up my items and left. She seemed cross to me.

Saturday, 23 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people got Emmys;
  • Wayne has had better weeks; 
  • Rio took up boxing;
  • Boris was in America;
  • Theresa was in America;
  • Theresa told Boris to get back to London;
  • Theresa and Boris got on the same flight to the UK;
  • Theresa said she was pleased they hadn't booked Ryanair;
  • Theresa went to Florence;
  • Harry went to Canada; 
  • Harry's girlfriend lives in Canada;
  • Michael said 'who's Gerald Ratner?';
  • after finding £1 billion down the back of the sofa Theresa found another e20 billion;
  • news just in - someone you have never heard of won celebrity MasterChef; and
  • Angela wants to be re-elected.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I think 'll have half a dozen stroopwafels this week please.'

'Half a dozen what?' queried Agatha

'Stoopwafels - they are Dutch.'

'We don't do foreign'

'Yes you do, you did me a genuine Jamaican ginger cake the other week.'

'Ah ...  yes ... well, sorry about that, they don't really come from Jamaica we buy those in off of this old dear lives in Durham.  Can I get you a couple of peach melbas, you like them.'

'Peach melbas are foreign.'


'Peach melbas' I repeated 'they are foreign, they were named after Dame Nellie Peach Melba, she was Australian.'

'Ah ... well ... your Australia isn't really foreign.'

'Yes it is.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is.'

'No it's not, it's more British really than foreign.'

'That's daft, anyway I don't want peach melbas, I want stroopwafels.'

'I told you, we don't do them.'

'Can you not knock me some up?'

'I could cut a bagel in two and fill it with peanut butter?'

'It's not the same.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take it.'

Sometimes it is really difficult to get that woman to do anything.

Saturday, 16 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people found out who they will be dancing with on Strictly;
  • some people found out they only had two weeks work;
  • Tomasz went to Tampa;
  • Tomasz got a new red over jacket;
  • Gigi lost a heel;
  • the Queen was given the first new £10 note;
  • the Queen put the first new £10 note in her handbag; 
  • the Queen said 'that will do nicely for the bookies this afternoon';
  • Madonna brought a new DVD out;
  • Theresa is planning a speech;
  • Boris decided to get in first;
  • Boris said 'now where did I put that bus'; and
  • 'Rooney party girl' is now a person. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Hello dear' I said 'I think I'll have a change this week.  I've got the vicar coming round for sandwiches so instead of my usual sliced multi-seeded, I think I'll have a cottage loaf.'

'We haven't got any' replied Agatha

'You haven't got a cottage loaf?' I replied in disbelief 'you must have, all bakers have cottage loaves.'

'Well I haven't I can do you a farmhouse.' she offered as an alternative

'It's not the same.'

'It's almost the same, a farmhouse is nearly a cottage.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is, farmers sometimes live in cottages.'

'What's that got to do with it.'

'I'm just saying.'

'I wanted a cottage loaf, I saw a ice one on the Bake off.'

'I should have known.'

'What do you mean by that.'

'Nothing, just when that programme is on, you always come in wanting fancy things.'

'No I don't, a cottage loaf isn't fancy.'

'It is in here.   Why don't I do you a large farmhouse and a small farmhouse and you can put the small one on top of the large one and make your own cottage loaf.'

'That's daft.'

'It's all I've got.'

'I'll take them.'

I don't know what the vicar is going to say.

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George and Amal went to Venice;
  • the Queen said she was off to open a bridge;
  • Philip said he thought it looked nice and that they probably put on a good buffet so thought he might come with her;
  • the Queen said she thought he was doing that back fence before the winter set in;
  • Kate thought she would have another baby;
  • George had his first day at school; 
  • George thought ‘stuff this for a game of soldiers’; 
  • Wayne said Colleen shouldn’t have ten holidays a year; 
  • some people baked some biscuits;
  • Theresa said she wasn't a robot;
  • Theresa said she would exterminate anyone who said she was a robot;
  • Conor went on holiday to Ibiza;
  • Camilla named a ship HMS Prince of Wales;
  • Camilla said 'eeh that's what my husband is called';
  • Camilla said 'not my first husband I meant the one I have now'; and
  • Boris went to Estonia.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

As I said good morning I noticed a small cottage loaf on the counter ‘Oh is that an illusion cake?’ I asked

‘No it’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It is an illusion cake, how clever.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘I’ve seen these things on the telly, they look like one thing but they are something else.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘It looks just like a cottage loaf.’

‘It is a cottage loaf.’

‘But I bet it’s a cake.’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘How exciting, when you slice into it is it a chocolate cake

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Or a lemon drizzle perhaps?’

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’

‘Go on cut it in half now.’

‘Now? don’t you want to wait until you get home?’

‘No I can’t wait, go on slice it in half now. Agatha picked up a bread knife and cut the item in two.

‘It’s a loaf of bread.’ I said disappointed ‘Why didn’t you say.’ Sometimes that Agatha can be dead awkward.

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harvey went to Texas;
  • Donald said he would go to Texas;
  • Texas said 'haven't we suffered enough'; 
  • Theresa went to Japan;
  • Theresa thought she might get a new video recorder while she was in Japan;
  • George went to school;
  • some new people baked some cakes - it took ages because of all the adverts;
  • Some people did some boxing;
  • Theresa said she would quite like to be Prime Minister at the next election – that should be nice; 
  • Some footballers stopped being transferred; 
  • Mike said ‘I’m not buying any of those, they are dead expensive’; 
  • Wayne said ‘What’s that blue flashing light?’; 
  • Wayne said ‘eeh officer I’ve had a dead good night’: 
  • Wayne said ‘What you want me to blow in that bag for … are your chips hot … ha ha that always makes me laugh’; and 
  • Madonna moved to Lisbon. 


Agatha was stacking shelves at the back of the Patisserie this morning ...

I had to call out to her to get her attention ....

'Hello dear' I shouted Agatha stopped doing what she was doing and turned to face the counter.

'Oh my good Lord, what happened to you' I exclaimed when I saw her properly

'What do you mean' she said

'Well your face ... what's happened?'

'Oh that, what with starting an hour later I have a bit more time in the morning, I thought I would put a bit of make up on.'

'Oh is that what it is, I thought you had had a fall. I didn’t know you could get black lipstick’

‘It’s not black, it’s crushed plum’.

‘Well, it’s very nice whatever it is, it goes with those lines under your eyes. You have drawn them quite deep haven’t you.’

‘I haven’t drawn lines under my eyes.’

‘Oh sorry. Did you know you get little creases in your lipstick when you purse your lips like that.’

’Look what do you want, I’ve got a queue forming.’ I could see Agatha was getting a bit tense so I ordered my usual and left.

Saturday, 26 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen said 'If you have nothing to do you can put up that shelf in the spare room;
  • the Queen said 'Did you put that shelf up?'
  • Philip said 'i didn't have time to get round to it, I've been busy with things';
  • The Queen said 'You were sitting in that chair when I went out first thing this morning;
  • Bradley is going to be a companion;
  • some people are going to start baking; and
  • some people are going to start boxing;
  • Mel has silver hair; 
  • Mark earned $68 million last year – what a  lot of money; 
  • Andrew isn’t going to do Sunday Politics anymore; and
  • Wayne isn't going to play for England again;
  • Harvey went to Texas;
  • Sarah had some booze after winning CBB - sorry that should say Boos; and
  • Jenna is going to be Victoria again; 


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’ Agatha busied herself getting my order and placed my items on the counter.

'Oh while i remember' she said 'from next week the Patisserie won't be opening until 8 o'clock.'

'8 o'clock?'

'8 o'clock'.

'What do you mean 8 o'clock.'

'I mean we won't be open until 8 o'clock'.

'But I am always back home by 8 o'clock, what am I going to do about my peach melbas and my large multi-seeded if you don't open until 8 o'clock.'

'There's nothing I can do about it, we had a memo from Head Office, we won't be opening until 8 o'clock and that is that.'

'A memo? What did this memo say about my peach melbas.'

'They weren't mentioned.'

‘I find it hard to believe that a memo from Head Office on such an important matter would fail to mention my peach melbas.’

‘Well it didn’t.’

'Are you sure?'

‘What am I going to do?’

‘You will have to have one of those packaged cake boxes instead.’

‘Oh no I don’t think so.’

I don’t know what to do now … I wonder what time the Co-Op opens.

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tom jumped off a building; 
  • Tom almost landed on another building; 
  • Tom said 'Ouch'; 
  • David built a castle; 
  • David said 'I've got three pieces left over'; 
  • Daniel said he thought he might quite like to be James again; 
  • Cheryl gets up an hour before her baby to do some online workouts; 
  • Cheryl does kick boxing or yoga in the afternoon when her baby is asleep; 
  • Cheryl obviously doesn’t do double shifts at Greggs; 
  • Tom broke his ankle; 
  • Tom is over 50 and shouldn’t be jumping off buildings; 
  • Leo and Kate went to St Tropez;
  • David and Victoria were in Malibu; 
  • Donald fired someone;
  • Donald said 'who can I fire next, I like doing this'; and
  • some more people are doing Strictly.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Oh it's you, I'm surprised to see you, what with your fancy Bake off programme on';

'It's not started yet, anyway it's not fancy';

'It's a menace, that's what it is, a menace.  It ruins my trade';

'How can it be a menace, it's just a baking programme';

'It's a menace, it put fancy ideas in peoples heads. People like you coming in wanting opera cakes and sachertortes, it ruins my forward orders  And I remember the catcalls in the street I got the the last time it was on "Ooh there's her with the soggy bottom" and "I bet she has got big bloomers", I was an emotional wreck. I could sue that Mary Berry.'

'I am sorry you were an emotional wreck, I didn't mean to bring it all back.'

'It's all right, what can I get you?'

'Can I have two op ... remalbas.'

'What's an opramelba.'

'Sorry just melbas.'

I think I just got away with it there.

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • some singer is going to do Strictly - must be that time of year again; and
  • Davood said he would do Strictly as well;
  • Philip has started his retirement;
  • the Queen said 'I hope your not going to sit around the house all day;
  • Liam got a new tattoo;
  • Philip said 'What you got on today then?'
  • Philip said 'That looks nice, i bet they do a nice lunch';
  • the Queen said 'if you have nothing to do that shelf in the front room wants looking at';
  • Cody ran about a bit; 
  • Anneka might be having another Challenge; 
  • Brad and Angelina might not be getting divorced; 
  • Jim did some paintings; 
  • Madame Tussauds said they wanted to make a stuffed dummy of Theresa - they are a bit late with that; 
  • some famous people had a fringe in Edinburgh; and
  • Donald got so angry his face went orange.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual, but no peach melbas.’

‘No peach melbas.’ repeated Agatha in a startled tone

‘No peach melbas.’

‘What’s wrong, you always have peach melbas. You like to have them in in case the vicar calls round.’

‘I’ve had it with peach melbas, they are nothing but trouble.’

‘How can a peach melba be trouble?’

‘They just are.’

‘Go on … have a couple.’


‘Go on … we have just got some in, they are dead fresh.’


‘Go on … I've got all these to shift ... I mean ... you know you like them.'

'What do you mean you have just got some in and they are fresh?  I thought they were fresh every week, you told me you made them fresh especially for me.'

'Did I? oh err yes I did didn't I that's what I charge you the extra 20p for. 

'I don't know, the Bake off is on again soon so I might start making my own.'

Agatha turned to the kitchen door and shouted 'Margaret we could be losing one here get the sly cakes out.'

'Look' said Agatha as she leaned over the counter and lowered her voice. 'why don't you take two peach melbas and I can let you have a pack of four sly cakes and I will just charge you the normal price for the lot.  I can't say fairer than that.' offered Agatha giving a shrug of her shoulders 

'Ok well go on then.' I replied 

I think I got a bargain there.

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Scaramucci got fandangoed;
  • some new bloke is going to edit Vogue;
  • Philip got a new bowler hat;
  • Philip got wet in the rain;
  • Philip said 'that hat's ruined';
  • Philip finally retired;
  • Philip said 'what's a Post Office?;
  • Philip said he didn't know how they were going to manage now with only one wage coming in;
  • some people went into the Celebrity Big Brother house - is that still on?;
  • Donald said it had been a good day at the White House;
  • Charles and Camilla went to Corfu;
  • Camilla said 'wasn't your dad born here?';
  • Philip and Holly - not that Philip - are going to present Strictly on Ice next year;
  • Danny is staying in EastEnders;
  • Mo won again; and 
  • Johnson-Thomson-Jackson-Stevenson-Carlson is going to do some running.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I'll have my usual.  Oh but you better make it three peach meblas instead of two in case the vicar brings that Deidre Catchpole round with him.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Although what he sees in here I don't know.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'I mean it's not as if she is good looking.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'And that laugh, it's like a corncrake. It goes right through me.'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'What's that?'

'I don't think he will be bringing her round.'


'Deidre ... Deidre Catchpole. I don't think he will be bringing her round.'

'Oh? why not.'

'There's been' Agatha lowered her voice  'well let's just call it an incident.'

'What sort of incident?'

'She was caught in Aldi wearing a duffel coat.'

'There's nothing wrong with wearing a duffel, its not against the law, even if you are in Aldi.'

'What, in this heat ... I don't think so, anyway it wasn't wearing a duffel that got her into bother it was the four frozen chickens she got from the deep freeze and had stashed under it that they did her for.  She passed out just yards from the front door and started shivering with the cold.  They said if they hadn't had a thermal blanket to hand she would have ended up in casualty.  It was only after they tucked the blanket in the found the chickens.  Needless to say the vicar wasn't pleased when he found out.  He said he thought they should cool it for a bit and Deidre said she didn't think that was very funny and they've not spoken since.'

My head was reeling with this new information, I said I'd just have the two peach melbas and I left.

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Katie got a new face;
  • Justin isn't going to China;
  • Philip retired;
  • the Queen said 'oh god does that mean I am going to have him round the house all day?';
  • The Pope turned his fountains off; 
  • the Pope said his bath water was running much faster now them fountains were off; 
  • Adam won two world records; 
  • Daniel is going to be James again; 
  • Theresa went to Lake Garda on holiday – we know what happened the last time she went on holiday; 
  • Theresa wore a £25 dress from Next; 
  • Theresa said she got her new dress and a pair of espadrilles for £30; 
  • William isn’t going to fly his helicopter anymore; 
  • William is just going to do royaling from now on; 
  • Kate said ‘Is he going to be round the house all day’; 
  • the Queen said ‘tell me about it’.


Agatha was back at the Patisserie …

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘nice to see you back, did you have a nice time at the Jackson-Pollocks.’

‘Yes thank you, what can I get you.’

‘It was lovely wasn’t it’

‘Yes what can I get you.’

‘So did you go on anywhere after.’

‘Yes, what can I get you.’ I could sense Agatha was tying to hurry me along

‘I heard you went to the Blue Ram after’

‘I might have popped in for one on the way home. What can I get you.’

‘I heard you were in the Blue Ram till 3 in the morning and they had to get that big lad off of the door to get you out.’

‘It wasn’t that late.’

‘I heard you were drinking brown ale whiskey chasers.'

I might have had a couple of drinks.'

‘I heard you were drinking brown ale of your shoe and you said you wished you hadn't had espadrilles on.’

‘Who said that? snapped Agatha sharply

‘I was talking to Mavis off of the checkout, she said you had a right old time.’

‘I knew it, I’ll flatten that Mavis one of these days.'

I could sense things getting a little feisty so I picked a few things off the shelf and left.

Saturday, 22 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Camilla was 70;
  • William and Kate went to Poland;
  • Paul was trapped at a waterfall; 
  • loads of people got loads of money at the BBC; 
  • William and Kate went to Germany; 
  • Emmanuel said he was the boss; 
  • Dominic said David was ‘thick as mince’ – that’s quite thick; 
  • Vince thought he would like to be the leader of a political party; and
  • Jodie thought she would like to be a Dr;
  • Sean packed his job in - before he was sacked;
  • Gemma wore an orange tent;
  • Boris went to Tokyo;
  • David went to Brussels - they get all over don't they;
  • Camilla ate a scone the Devon way;
  • Charles said 'Do you have to have it like that can you not have it the Cornish way?;
  • Katie is going to do Dancing on Ice - not that one.. the orange one.


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie …

…. Agatha was mingling at the Jackson-Pollocks

People were gathered in small groups chatting and a piano was tinkling in the background.

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘I see you made it then. You look different with your clothes on.’

‘Pardon’ said Agatha a little taken aback

‘I mean I only ever see you in your overalls.’ I clarified ‘You look very fetching in your cocktail dress. It’s not often you see astrakhan these days. Why don’t you take your duffle off, it’s getting quite warm in here now.’

‘I’ll keep it on thank you very much.’

‘So errr’ I started ‘you were going to tell me about the vicar and Deidre Catchpole. Is it true then?’

‘Oh yes, she has had her eye on him ever since New Years, she quite fancies herself as the vicar’s wife.’

‘I’m not sure the bishop would approve of that, Deidre Catchpole has a bit of a chequered history. She has been on Crimestoppers more than once.’

‘Well yes, but to be fair the first time wasn’t really her fault. It was a complete accident she ended up in a skip with a stolen trumpet and drum kit ... and nothing was ever proved.’

‘I suppose, but she does seem to attract a certain amount of trouble and the bishop is very sensitive about these things.’ I glanced around and noticed people gathering at a table ‘I’m just going to the buffet, can I get you anything?’

‘I’ll have a peach melba.’ responded Agatha with a satisfied look of triumph on her face.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ernst got married; 
  • Wayne went to Everton;
  • Daniel is going to be James again;
  • Boris said he could hear whistling;
  • Michel said he could hear a clock - they must have ears like bats;
  • Letizia and Filipe came to the UK for a bit of a holiday; 
  • Filipe is 6' 4"
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind your tall';
  • Zsa Zas's will is missing;
  • Zsa Zsa's husband said 'I know I had it when I went to the shops';
  • Donald jr said after thinking about it he would have done it differently - there is a lot said that; while
  • Donald went to Paris;
  • Donald said 'eeh there's loads of French people here ... they are everywhere; and
  • some people are still playing tennis - but Andy is back to being Scottish again and Johanna is Australian again.


Agatha was still at the Patisserie counter as I ended my call …

‘Is that that Deidre Catchpole you were on about?’ she asked

‘Were you listening to my conversation?’ I was shocked

‘I can’t help over hearing a certain amount, you are standing right at the counter.’

‘I suppose so … yes it was Deidre Catchpole we were discussing. Do you know her?’

‘Oh yes, I know all about Deidre Catchpole, she thinks she is the kipper’s whiskers ever since she started knocking off the vicar.’

‘She's been knock … seeing the vicar?’ I said, surprised at this news ‘The vicar kept that quiet, no one knows about that.’

‘Oh no, it’s common knowledge, he’s been keeping her in stockings and bath salts for ages. I know all about the vicar.  I could tell you a few tales about the vicar.’

‘Oh yes?  So err ... ’ I adopted an air of affected disinterest 'did I hear you say you were going to the Jackson-Pollocks do? maybe we can have a little chat.'

Saturday, 8 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen wore a lemon dress - she's got loads of dresses;
  • some people cycled around in France;
  • Theresa went to Hamburg; 
  • Theresa said ‘eeh I never get a minute to myself’; 
  • Donald went to Poundland – sorry that should say Poland; 
  • Wayne bought a new house; 
  • Harry went to Leeds; 
  • a horse ate the Queen's flowers;
  • The Queen took her coat off; 
  • the Queen said ‘eeh it’s dead hot out today’; 
  • Mike said he was a power drinker – I think that means drunk; 
  • some people were still playing tennis – have they not finished yet?; 
  • Angela went to the G20 with a load of other people; and
  • Theresa went to a concert to watch an 1880s tribute band.


… from last week …

Agatha was still at the Patisserie … waiting while I phoned the vicar. I pressed speed dial and got straight through.

Agatha was tapping her tongs on the counter top an impatient look on her face.

‘Just getting through to the vicar’ I explained

‘It’s me’ I said ‘ah ok I’ll hold.’ I put my hand over the phone and told Agatha the vicar wouldn’t be a minute he was just rubbing through his hassocks.

Agatha took a deep sigh ‘Look I’ve got a queue forming.’

‘I’ll just be a minute …’hello’ I said as the vicar picked up ‘What’s this about you going to a do at the Jackson-Pollocks‘ I said as I put my hand to my ear 'I see.’ I said as the vicar spoke

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Well are you not allowed to bring a friend? ... Oh you are bringing a friend.  
What friend? …. Deidre Catchpole? …. Deidre Catchpole!'  I repeated ‘and how long has she been a friend? ’

‘I see.’

‘You met her in the Blue Ram on New Years ....I was in the Blue Ram that night I don’t remember seeing her.’

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'She must have had her tag removed then … oh she has had her tag removed.’

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Well I'm not sure the bishop would approve of you consorting with Deidre Catchpole.

‘I see.’

‘I see.’
'The bishop doesn't know about her?  Well he might find out.'  I let that hang in the air for a few moments.

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

'Blackmail isn't a very nice word.  

‘I see.’

‘I see.’

So that's arranged then, you will tell Deirdre Catchpole something has come up and you will pick me up in the Anglia at 8 o'clock - that's very thoughtful of you. 

Saturday, 1 July 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen got a new ship;
  • the Queen said 'eeh where am I going to put that?'
  • some people sang in a field;
  • Harry was 20;
  • Christiano got two babies;
  • George got his sixth job – eeh he must be dead busy; 
  • Theresa said she would quite like to have a vote on the Queen’s speech; 
  • Dolph is going to make a new movie; 
  • Adele said she was packing in touring; 
  • some people played tennis; 
  • Brooklyn wrote a book – it’s not his autobiography is it?;
  • some people started the Tour de France in Germany - what a funny place to have it;
  • Sean got married - and
  • Lionel got married as well;
  • some lions bead New Zealand; and 
  • Adele is not well.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Can I have a look at your bloomers ... ha ha. eeh that makes me laugh every time.’

Agatha didn’t look amused ‘What do you want?’ she responded ‘I haven’t got time for your nonsense today, I’ve got a rush order on.’

‘I thought you had’ I replied as I looked over the counter into the back room ‘Looks like a lot of cakes your getting together back there, what’s that for?’

‘We have an order off of the Jackson-Pollocks, they are off to Bangkok on an extended stay and are having a bit of a ‘bon voyage’ do.’ I grimaced at Agatha’s attempted French accent.

‘They are having a do?' I queried 'I didn’t know about that, why have I not been invited?’

‘Oh haven’t you been invited'  said Agatha with the beginnings of a smirk 'I’m going’ she continued.

‘Are you?’ I snapped ‘It must be one of their parties for domestics' I said recovering a little 'they have them all the time. I only go to their parties for their more … select acquaintances.’

Agatha bristled ‘Well the vicar is going, he’s not a domestic. Anyway what do you mean ‘domestics?’

‘The vicar’s going?’ I said as I took out my phone ‘He never told me that …’

 … to be continued

Saturday, 24 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George's boat collided with another boat;
  • Julie got a ladydamesirknighthoodship;
  • Angela went to see the Pope;
  • Angela told the Pope she had had that Donald round;
  • the Pope said he knew how she felt as Donald had been round his as well;
  • Liam went to Milan;
  • Hew wasn't sure the 10 o'clock news had started;
  • the Queen opened Parliament;
  • Dennis said they should get their skates on;
  • the Queen had a 'Take your child to work day';
  • The Queen wore a hat;
  • the Queen went to the races;
  • Theresa went to Brussels; 
  • Theresa said being Prime Minister wasn't all it was cracked up to be; and
  • some people were singing tunes in a field in Somerset. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello' I said 'you back from your disa ... holiday?'

'Holiday? Oh yes I'm back.'

'I see you have peach melbas on the shelves again.'

Agatha looked a little cross 'Yes we are selling them again, back by popular demand. Do you want a couple?'

'No, I think I have gone off them a bit, and anyway I don't think I can afford them.  They were getting quite expensive before you stopped selling them.'

'As you like, what can I get you.'

'Although' I said and paused 'I heard you could get them on the black market at a knock off price.'

'I wouldn't know anything about that. what can I get you' continued Agatha trying to hurry me along.

'I heard some old dear was flogging them off round the back of the community center.'

'I wouldn't say old.'

'Oh, so someone was selling them knock off.'

'I don't know' said Agatha a little flustered 'do you want serving or not, I've got a queue forming.'

'I heard she was shrouded in a cloud of Embassy Regal selling melbas.'

'It was no 10.'  Agatha slapped her hand over her mouth.

'Ah ha, so it was you, I knew it!  I will have two peach melbas, and I think these ones might be at a discount price?'

'I'll put a sticker on, say the pastry is smashed in.'

'That will be very nice thank you.'

A bargain for once.

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Celebrity Week - State Opening Royal Special

A Celebrity State Opening Royal special
  • the Queen had a 'Dress down' day;
  • the Queen said 'ooh it feels like a Friday';
  • the Queen sent her best crown to the Houses of Parliament;
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind don't let that crown out of your sight it's me best one';
  • the Queen's State Trumpeters started a trumpet song when the Queen walked through the door;
  • the Queen dropped her handbag';
  • the Queen said I wish they would wait till I sat down before doing that'
  • the Queen said 'I think I've left me glasses in my other handbag;
  • Prince Charles says 'you haven't man, we checked before we left, have another look'
  • 'the Queen read a speech';
  • the Queen said 'What's that word?'
  • Charles said 'Brexit';
  • the Queen said 'that's not a word';
  • the Queen said 'That's never a 'B' it looks like a 'P' I thought she was wanting a Prexit lol;
  • the Queen said 'she's not said anything about that Donald coming'; 
  • the Queen said 'Is that it? It was hardly worth coming for';
  • the Queen told Charles to see if that nice Jeremy had a Racing Post she could borrow.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Dear David - Brexit

Dear David

Do you trust the government to manage Brexit within two years?

David Responds

Which government ... you mean this government?

Not really, it took them three months to lose their own majority.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen got a 41 gun salute in her back garden for her birthday;
  • the Queen forgot she was getting a 41 gun salute in her back garden for her birthday;
  • the Queen dropped a teacup;
  • the Queen said 'what the bloody hell was that?' 
  • the Queen said 'what damn fool is making all that noise outside';
  • Harry had a party; 
  • Donald had a cabinet meeting where everyone told him how lovely he was;
  • Donald said he din't fancy coming to Britain because people shout a lot;
  • Theresa has had better weeks;
  • George had a great week;
  • Theresa went to Paris for the evening; 
  • Theresa went to see England play football in Paris; 
  • Theresa did a Mexican wave on her own; 
  • Theresa said ‘have you not got any wheat fields?’;
  • Theresa went to see Emmanuel;
  • Emmanuel said will you stop saying 'Hey, Macarena!' every time you want to ask me something;
  • Tim packed his job in; and 
  • some people got things off of the Queen because it was her birthday.


Agatha wasn’t at the Patisserie …

… Margaret was placing doughnuts on a shelf with her tongs

‘Oh hello Margaret’ I said ‘Is your Agatha not on today?’

‘No she is on a dis .. holiday, she is on holiday.’

‘You were going to say a disciplinary weren’t you? What she done this time?’

Margaret put her tongs down and looked around, leaning over the counter as she confided ‘the manger found out she had been stashing peach melbas and selling them round the back of the community centre. He was furious, he only found out after the vicar collared him in the Blue Ram, complaining about how we don’t do peach melbas any more.’

‘What she like! So you have peach melbas in then?’

‘Yes we have loads, how many do you want?’

‘I’ll have two.’

Margaret picked up her tongs and busied herself getting my cakes. ‘I’ll just pop them in a box for you.’

‘I must say this is lovely service.’

‘When your Agatha is on she can be a little brusque.’

Margaret stopped what she was doing.

‘Sometimes my cakes are all bashed in at the side’ Margaret stared at me with a stricken look on her face.

‘She can be a bit rough with them and sometimes there is a little thumb print in the cream.’ Margaret started shaking her head frozen to the spot

‘She is standing behind me isn’t she?’ I hurriedly picked up my cakes and left.

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Dear David - State Opening

Dear David

I was supposed to having a big event next Monday where I get to wear my best crown but now I've just had Theresa on the phone and she wants to put it off until Tuesday.

Thing is I'm at the races on Tuesday so I can't really do this opening thing. I am dead fed up, how can I get out of it?


David Responds

Oh you as well, she has never been off my phone since last Friday.  That Theresa is becoming a right nuisance ... 'what should I do about this? ... what should I do about that? I tell you if she comes round here I'll give her strong and stable.

What were you asking again ... oh yes the races.  Just tell her straight, tell her you're not doing it and that is that.  Or say you can do first thing, but you need to be away by 12 and you want a helicopter to get you to Ascot because the trains get dead busy if you leave it too late.

Monday, 12 June 2017

Dear David - Theresa

Dear David

I've been thinking about Teresa.  She's had a rough weekend and I wondered if all our friends would chip in and send her some flowers?


David Responds

Stuff that, it's us that needs the flowers. 

Dear David - Interview

Dear David

I have to go to a meeting later today to be questioned by a load of MPs.  I am not really looking forward to it, do you think I can send our Amber instead?


David Responds

No not really, it was doing that got you into this mess in the first place.

Susanna Reid

If you are feeling the back to work blues after the weekend, spare a thought for
Susanna Reid ... she has to go to work on Monday morning and sit next to Piers Morgan.

Sunday, 11 June 2017

Dear David - Result

Dear David

I am a major world leader, actually I am the greatest leader the world has ever see.  It's true. Everyone says it.

As world leader I am supposed to phone other leaders when they win elections, but I am not sure whether I should call Theresa or not.  What should I do?

David Responds

Tricky one, I don't think she is much in the mood for a chat on the phone.  Why don't you send her a Get Well Soon card and a bunch of flowers.

Saturday, 10 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Victoria wore a green and orange outfit;
  • George and Amal had two babies;
  • Diane has had better weeks;
  • Elton is going to sings some tunes in Las Vegas; 
  • William went to Belgium; 
  • Tom said he might play volleyball in his next movie; 
  • Theresa said she was very clear about who she was going to vote for;
  • Tom might be doing Strictly - is it that time of year again already;
  • Theresa said she would like 100 new MPs;
  • Theresa said 'oh ... I'll just have a couple of new MPs then';
  • Theresa said 'what do you mean I have to give some MPs back?';
  • Thersa said she would pop in to see the Queen;
  • the Queen said she thought she would work from home on Friday;
  • the Queen thought her dressing gown would be ok for another day;
  • the Quun got a message to say Theresa was popping round;
  • the Queen said 'oh God, what does she want?;
  • the Queen told Philip to straighten the cushions and record Bargain Hunt for her; 
  • Alex got chucked from Scotland; and 
  • Paul packed his job in.


At the Patisserie ...

‘What can I get you?’ asked Agatha

‘I’ll have a couple of eccle … I suddenly remembered the scene from last week and changed tack …’Melbas’ I finished.

‘couple of ecclemelbas? What’s an ecclemelba?’

‘Not ecclemelbas' I corrected 'a couple of peach melbas.’

‘You said ecclemelba.’

‘Never mind that, I’ll have two peach melbas.’

‘I told you we stopped doing them, there was no demand.’

‘I forgot. What else have you got then .. and nothing with currants in.’ I added hurriedly

‘What about an éclair.’

‘That’s a good idea, have you got the round ones?’

‘No, we only do the finger ones.’

I was disappointed ‘Have you not got the round ones?’


‘Oh good, I’ll have two.’

‘I told you, we haven’t got any.’

‘You just said you did.’

‘I didn’t I said Yes we not got them.'

‘I don’t like the finger ones, I only like the round ones.’

‘That’s daft, they are the same.’

‘No there’re not, they taste different.’

Agatha gave a sigh 'I've only got the finger ones, do you want them or not?'

'Go on then, I'll have two ... oh and don't arrange them like you did my finger doughnuts, the vicar was shoked.

Friday, 9 June 2017

Dear David - Result

Dear David

I've just lost a big election that I thought I was going to win, now I've got to go and see the Queen to tell her what I've done.  I am dead fed up, what can I do?


David Responds

Oh dear what a shame, that must be a disappointment for you, still having lunch with the Queen will be nice, that should cheer you up.

Wait a minute, what day is it?  Oh it's Friday, I wouldn't go round just now, the Queen gets her Racing Post of a Friday and she likes to pick her horses for the weekend watching Homes under the Hammer on catch up in the afternoon.  If you interrupt her she will be in a filthy temper, why not leave it until Monday.

Saturday, 3 June 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tiger wished he had taken a taxi;
  • Angela ate a loaf and a bagel;
  • Theresa didn't fancy going to Cambridge;
  • Theresa said she had to get back home because Corrie was having a week special;
  • The FBI said it was interested in Nigel - I suppose someone has to be; 
  • Janet might be doing a Netflix series – whatever one of those is; 
  • Taylor got a new boyfriend - it's been weeks since the last one; 
  • Ronnie was 70 - he must be older than that!;
  • the Queen had a garden party;
  • the Queen said 'that back hedge needs doing';
  • Amanda almost wore a dress; 
  • some people were supposed to have talent; 
  • Donald couldn't be bothered to save the planet;
  • Donald said he had coal to dig; and
  • Theresa said she was very clear. 


... continued from last week ...

Agatha tore off a piece of Eccles cake and handed it over.  I took a tentative bite

‘It's got currants in.'

'I know, it's an Eccles cake.'

'You know I don't like currants.'

'I forgot.'

'We had this out when you tried to con me into buying four bath buns.'

'I wouldn't say con.' said Agatha defensively.

'You knew they had currants in them.'

'I thought they were raisins.'

'It's the same thing.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is.'

'What's the difference then?' demanded Agatha

'Well currants are sort of curranty and raisins are more ... well raisiny.'

'That's daft.  Do you want Eccles cakes or not?'

'I'm not sure, they seem quite big.'

'You can cut them into quarters.' suggested Agatha



'Eccles cakes are circular and a quarter of a circle is a quadrant, not a quarter.'

'Are you trying to be funny.'

'I'm just saying.'

'Well don't.'

'Have you got any square Eccles cakes?'

Agatha threw her tongs on the counter and shouted 'Margaret come and serve this customer' then left the counter and went out the back

I wonder what is wrong with her.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Dear David - Deabte

Dear David

I was invited to a debate yesterday but I couldn’t go as I had my nets to do and I’d been on all day trying to get them dried and ironed, now I am getting a load of grief because I wasn’t there. I am dead fed up, what can I do?


David Responds

Oh it was a lovely drying day yesterday wasn’t it … but what a shame your friends are making an issue out of it.

Why not invite them all round for tea and you can show them how lovely your windows look now. Let them see you had a productive day after all.

Monday, 29 May 2017

Dear David - Interview

Dear David

Is it true your vicar is hosting tonight’s chat with Tessa and Jezza?


David Responds

'Tessa and Jezza?' Who are ... oh I see what you have done, how very clever.

No I don't think it is the vicar doing it, he doesn't approve of Chanel 4, not since the body under the patio he never slept for weeks after that. 

I'll just have a look see who is doing it ... where did I put my radio Times ... ah here it is ... what day is it today? these bank holidays are dead confusing ... oh look they have moved Coronation Street, what have they done that for? I hate it when they do that ... what was I looking for again .. oh yes Channel 4 ... oh Paxman ... I thought he had retired ... what was I looking this up for ...oh yes I got a letter didn't I ...

No it isn't the vicar it is Jeremy ... not that one, Paxman ... oh isn't that funny two Jeremys ... or is it Jeremies? 

Saturday, 27 May 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa got a new raincoat;
  • John thought he would pack his job in; and
  • Harry got an old boot ... sorry that should say gold boot (what a funny thing to get);
  • the Queen went to see some flowers;
  • the Queen said 'have a look and see if they have any daffs on offer - we need some for out the back at Balmoral';
  • Theresa got a new cap;
  • Melania didn't want to hold Donald's hand;
  • Donald went to see the Pope; 
  • Donald wanted to have his photograph taken;
  • Donald said 'i'm not trying to hold your hand, get out of my way';
  • Donald said 'Where is Montenegro?';
  • Colin lost his tattoos - I wonder where they are; 
  • Theresa went to Sicily; 
  • Leonardo went to a party; and
  • Robert might be getting an Oscar.

Wednesday, 24 May 2017


Agatha was at the patisserie and she was at the counter when I arrived.

‘Morning’ she said … ‘I’ve been thinking’ she continued ‘what with us not doing macaroons, I thought you might want to try eccles cakes.’

‘Oh no’ I said ‘we have had this all out before. I don’t think they are suitable, they are more for people from Yorkshire or truck drivers. I don’t think the vicar would like them.’

‘Nonsense; contradicted Agatha ‘you see him over there’ Agatha indicated the cereals aisle with her cake slice ‘he has just bought some eccles cakes.’

‘Has he? What does he do then?’

‘Well he is a truck driver’ admitted Agatha ‘but that’s not the point. He is perfectly respectable.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Go on try one.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Go on, I’ll cut you off a corner.’

‘They are round.’


‘Eccles cakes … they are round, you said you would cut me off a corner, you can't ... they don’t have corners.’

Agatha set her mouth ‘Do you want a sample or not.’

‘Go on then … a sample .. not a corner.' ... to be continued.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • France got a new Prime Minister;
  • someone said Nigel should get a Knighthood;
  • Theresa laughed like a blocked drain when it was suggested Nigel shuold be knighted - that's not very ladylike;
  • Donald talked to some Russians;
  • Salvador won Eurovision;
  • Emmanuel went to Germany;
  • Charles and Camilla went to an indoor market;
  • Camilla said 'did you say we were running short of carrots this morning'?
  • some politicians issued political documents they are going to ignore in a year’s time;
  • The Queen went to The Ivy; 
  • the Queen said ‘I’ve got ivy all over my back wall at Balmoral; 
  • Donald said he quite liked presidenting so he thought he would go to Saudi Arabia;
  • Donald said he would visit the Pope while he was in the area;
  • the Pope said 'tell him I'm out ... tel him anything, tell him I'm at the launderette, I've got loads of whites to do.' 
  • Liam said he wasn’t fussed about Harry’s new tune; and
  • Cheryl thought she might become a Tweedy again.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said as Agatha arranged her items on the patisserie shelves.

I quite liked those macaroons you sold me last week. I wasn’t sure at first. The vicar said they were very sophisticated. A lot more sophisticated than peach melbas, he said. I wondered what he meant by that, was he saying my peach melbas weren’t sophisticated … well not my peach melbas exactly, more your peach melbas, but you know what I mean. Well anyway the vicar said the macaroons were more sophisticated because you could put them in your saucer next to your teacup while you were chatting. “Ha ha” he said you couldn’t do that with a peach melba! I wasn’t so sure about putting your macaroon in your saucer as I thought the chocolate ones would melt a bit, well the side that touched your teacup would that is, as the tea is hot, and by the time you left space for your teaspoon there wouldn't really be much space .... but, I thought I would try your macaroons again, I’ll have six; two strawberry ones; two lemon ones and two chocolate ones.'

‘We have stopped doing them.’

Monday, 15 May 2017

The Pope

The Pope was in Portugal on Saturday ... on Saturday Portugal won the Eurovision song contest ... that's all I'm saying.

Saturday, 13 May 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Emmanuel got Presidented; 
  • Theresa said she would quite like to be a President; 
  • Tom and Dustin got married; 
  • Shirley is going to judge on Strictly; 
  • Harry is going to have a garden party; 
  • the Queen told Harry 'them hedges need doing before you hold one of my garden parties'; 
  • David acted in a film; 
  • David went to the Brian Tilsley school of acting; 
  • David said ‘when do I say ‘flippin heck mam’; 
  • Donald said James was a grandstanding showboat - I liked Showboat; 
  • Harry wore a tweed suit and shoes with heels on them; and 
  • the Queen wore her third headscarf in as many days - mind she's got some headscarves; and 
  • Amber was cross about having to get up first thing of a Saturday morning to go on the telly.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted.  I thought I would have a little joke with Agatha 'I see you have a new President'.


'With you being a French Patisserie ... a new President.' I added



'You want some macaroons?'

'No ...Macron.'

'Just the one macaroon?  We don't sell them in ones, people usually buy six.'

'I don't want macaroons.'

'I'll give you an assortment.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'Two of each colour.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'I'll put them in a box for you.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'I'll use a nice box, since your buying six.'

'I don't want any macaroons.'

'Do you want me to tie the box up with some ribbon?'

'I don't want macaroons.'

'I'll just pop them in your trolley for you.  Next!' shouted Agatha

I've got six macaroons now, and I'm not sure I like them.  I think I have been done.

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

Dear David - Terminated

Dear David

I am a rather senior person in … well let’s just call it an American law enforcement agency and I’ve just been sacked.

I am dead fed up I was just in the middle of a meeting when it happened.

I don’t know what to do as I have my holidays to pay for (I’ve already paid the deposit). Can you help?

David Responds

Oh that is awful, I bet you were really cross.

Why don’t you write to Theresa May, see if she has anything going, I hear she will be looking for a new health secretary after the election, do you know anything about health services?

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Dear David - Debate

Dear David

I am running an important election campaign but I don't want to do any leader debates because they look dead hard.  Can you suggest an alternative?


David Responds

Oh yes they do look difficult don't they.  Why don't you go on the One Show, that should be a lot nicer.

You might want to prepare a little bit beforehand, it can be quite tricky to name your favourite colour if you haven't got an answer ready.

Sunday, 7 May 2017

Sunday Politics

Supposedly the EU Commission is interfering in our general election to influence the outcome, if they are, they are not doing a very good job of it.

If Diane Abbot had written her numbers on the side of a bus she would be Foreign Secretary by now.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Diane said ooh I hate numbers, they are dead confusing; 
  • Theresa had some chips; 
  • Theresa went to see the Queen; 
  • someone told the Queen she was getting a visitor; 
  • the Queen said ‘how lovely, I like visitors; 
  • someone told the Queen who the visitor was; 
  • the Queen said ‘oh not her again, she is dead miserable’; 
  • The Queen said she was having a floor session to make an announcement; 
  • the Queen said ‘eeh do all these people work for me’; 
  • the Queen said ‘Who’s that scruff at the front – can you not stick him at the back so I don’t have to look at him; 
  • Philip decided to retire; 
  • the Queen said ‘God no, is he going to be round the house all day’; 
  • the Queen said she had a Facebook page; 
  • the Queen said she had some friends on her Facebook she had no idea who they were; 
  • Paul said ‘eeh where’s all me votes gone’; and 
  • Camilla met Blondie;


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said

Agatha was in a new pinny, all summery and frilly ‘What can I get you this week?’ she asked

‘Oh I see you have a new pinny.’

‘Yes' grumbled Agatha 'it’s the new uniform.’ she continued with a look of disdain on her face

‘Don’t you like it?’

‘Not really. These frills are death traps. I caught one in the oven door yesterday I was trapped for twenty minutes with three dozen apple pies on regulo 5.’

‘Oh dear. It is a bit frilly I suppose, you’re not really a frilly person.’

‘What do you mean by that.’

‘Err nothing’ I faltered … ‘it's just ... you’re more … sturdy.’


‘Well not sturdy exactly … more … err … robust … yes, that’s a better word … robust.’

‘Are you looking for a fat lip.’

'I wasn't meaning anything, just that you're not a frills person.'

I picked up my multi-seeded sliced and left before things got ugly. You have to watch every word with that woman.

Friday, 5 May 2017

Dear David - Retirement

Dear David

I'm 95 and about to retire and I was wondering if you could suggest a suitable hobby? Mind I only have my pension so it will have to be cheap.


David Responds

Oh well done you for retiring.  But you should be prepared, retirement from work can be a shock to the system especially if you call work asking people have they come far and having all you can eat buffets.  

A hobby is a great idea but if you are on a budget you will probably have to give photography or the horses a miss.

What about stamp collecting?  Do you or your wife get a lot of letters?  If so all you need is a saucer and some hot water for endless hours of fun.

I will send you a copy of my free leaflet 'How to get stamps off of envelopes but do it slowly or they tear'.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Dear David - Bill

Dear David

I’ve just received a bill for £100 billion. I’m that worried I’ve not slept. Can you help?


David Responds

Eeh that’s a lot of money, what have you been buying. How did you let it get so much?

This is what happens when you put your statements in the drawer without looking at them.

Why don’t you write and tell them you are very sorry and offer to pay it in installments. Make an offer of £10 a week and see what they say.

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

Dear David - Chips

Dear David

I was made to eat some chips yesterday and people took photographs of me and it was dead embarrassing. How can I avoid this situation in the future?


David Responds

Oh dear how awful.

Why not have a bacon sandwich next time … what could go wrong with that.

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Dear David - Newspaper Editor

Dear David

I started my new job editing a newspaper today but when I got to my office my desk was covered in sheets of paper with stories on them.  It was really messy and it spoilt my first day.  I was dead fed up.  What can I do?


David Responds

Oh that is annoying isn't it.  Why don't you fire someone and tell the rest not to leave their papers on your desk.

Saturday, 29 April 2017

Dear David - Glasses

Oh this this one of those electric letters … how do you open it again … let’s see … oh yes you click here don’t you …

Dear David

Sorry for being so chatty tonight but do you think Simon should learn to clean his glasses properly?


David Responds

Simon? Simon who? Oh isn’t he one of those people on that show with the weirdos on … I’ll have to watch it on that thing that isn't proper telly ...

…oh yes I see what you mean, but then he has always been a bit scruffy, what with that cheap t-shirt he always wears, the one that probably didn’t even fit on the day he bought it.

I’ll pop a packet of lens wipes in the post to him, that should help.

Dear David - Bank Holiday

Dear David

I’ve bought a new outfit for the bank holiday weekend - it’s called a dressing gown. Do you think I can get away with it? Picture enclosed.


David Responds

A letter of a bank holiday … I never get a minute to myself.

Let’s see what this one is about … I think I know who it is from, I recognise the green ink.

Oh there is a photograph in the envelope …fishing the photo out of the envelope …

… I like these letters …

… With photos in them …

… Where’s my glasses … let’s have a look …

I see you are wearing your dressing gown over your pajamas … what’s that little design on your pjs … I’ll just hold the picture to the window … get a bit more light on it so I can see … ah yes little trains, don’t you look cosy.

Ah yes well, I suppose you could call that a dressing gown, it is quite sturdy though for a dressing gown, what with it being made of leather, it doesn’t look very snuggly.

Why don’t you pop into Marks next week and get a nice new woolen one, they are sure to have them in the sale at this time of year.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen got a winner on the 2:30; 
  • Elton wasn't very well; 
  • some French people won an election - but they have to do it all again; 
  • Kistina might be going to LA; 
  • Freddie did a fashion shoot; 
  • Freddie said it was better than working for a living; 
  • some Newcastle footballers were quite happy; 
  • some Newcastle footballers said they thought it was too good to last; 
  • Paul said he was going to try and become an MP; 
  • Paul kept quiet about where he was going to try to be an MP – he can keep it quite forever if he likes; 
  • Paul decided he would stand in Skeggy - there's not much else to do in Skeggy;
  • Donald said it was dead hard being a President; and
  • Donald said he hardly gets any time to himself these days.


still at the Patisserie ...

'What's wrong with custard tarts?' queried Agatha

'They have connotations.'


'Yes ... well ... you know.'

'I don't know.'

'You do .. tarts .. and that.'

'Tarts and that?'

'Yes ... you know ... I can't give the vicar tarts can I? He might think I am suggesting a tarts and vicars party.'

'Oh for goodness sake.  ‘A Couple of fairy cakes then?'

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Cream horns?’

‘Oh no.’

‘Well what then?’

‘Have you not got anything else?’

‘Have I not got anything else?’



‘Go on then give me a couple of peach melbas.’

I wonder if ASDAs have a patisserie.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Eugenie got promoted; 
  • Eugenie said 'eeh how lovely, I must pop into work some time and see what it is I do'; 
  • Victoria got an oboe off William; 
  • Kylie said she wasn't dating Andrew; 
  • Theresa thought she might quite like to have an election; 
  • Theresa said if she had known Downing street was that windy she would have brought her hair spray; 
  • George packed one of his jobs in; 
  •  a load of MPs said they couldn’t be faffed with another election – I know how they feel;
  • The Queen had a birthday; 
  • the Queen said ‘I’m 100 you know’; 
  • Charles said ‘you’re not mam, you’re 91’;
  • the Queen went to the races for her birthday;
  • the Queen said she got a postal order for her birthday and she was putting it on a dead cert in the 3:30; and 
  • Kate and William played some tunes on the radio. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'I think I'll have something different for the vicar this week. I am sick of peach melbas.'

'Not again.' replied Agatha

'What's wrong.'

'We had this all out months ago, you create a right fuss when you want something different and I'll got a queue forming.'

'What fuss!' I demanded'

You wanted coconut haystacks without coconut in them, and you said you would try a lemon meringue pie but without the lemons or the meringue as you said meringue gives you the creeps.'

'I don't think I said 'creeps''.

‘Have you got anything different then?’

‘Like what?’



‘Not éclairs.’

‘Sly cakes.’

‘Not sly cakes.’

‘Custard tarts?’;

‘Oh no.’

‘Well what then?’


Sometimes it is really difficult to get served by her.

Friday, 21 April 2017

Dear David - Larry the cat

Dear David

I've had enough intrigue and in-fighting to last me a life time - could you suggest somewhere suitable for a holiday until its all over? 

Larry the Cat@Number10cat

David Responds

I don't often get a letter off of a cat ...

... where to live until it is all over ... I'm not sure.

... why don't you go and visit that nice Mr Gove, he seems to have a lot of time on his hands these days.

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Dear David - Election

Dear David

I am thinking of calling a general election.  what do you think?

David Responds

Not those shoes with that dress.

Saturday, 15 April 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry had a new tune out;
  • Simon had a beach holiday;
  • some people were at the Olivier awards;
  • Sergio won a game of golf;
  • The Queen fed a banana to an elephant; 
  • the Queen said ‘that elephant nearly had my hand off’; 
  • the Daily Mail had to pay damages for saying Melania worked as an escort; 
  • the Daily Mail had to print an apology; 
  • the Daily Mail said ‘do we have a page 147?’; 
  • the Daily Mail said ‘Is font 2 very big?’ 
  • the Queen gave away some Maundy money; 
  • the Queen said ‘eeh this Maundy money costs me a fortune’; 
  • Harry went to Toronto for the weekend;
  • Theresa wore a high-vis jacket;
  • Theresa said 'this isn't one of George's old ones is it?' and
  • the Queen advertised for a new butler. 


Agatha was at that Patisserie ...

As I approached the counter, Agatha started to place peach melbas on the front counter. 'Ok ok, you win' she announced 'I've got a load of fresh peach melbas in especially for you, they all have peaches in them and I am selling them at half price, here take them all.'

'No thanks, I've gone off them.'

Saturday, 8 April 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Doris got a new birth certificate; 
  • Camilla wore a red dress; 
  • Gary got a new room mate; 
  • Gary said 'I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before'; 
  • Theresa said that now we leaving the EU she supposes she will have to traipse around all the despots of the world looking for business; 
  • Charles and Camilla were in Italy; 
  • Harry was hanging from a helicopter - what a funny thing to do; 
  • Donald came to see Theresa - not that Donald; 
  • Pippa said she didn’t want any pretty women at her wedding; 
  • Pippa said it was ok for Kate to go to her wedding; 
  • Kate said ‘what did she mean by that?’; 
  • Donald said ‘what’s this button for?'; and 
  • some brown horses got ready to run round a field.


Agatha was at the Patisserie … she had my large multi-seeded ready on the counter.

‘I think I’ll have some peach melbas this week.’ I opened

‘I thought you might.’

‘I’ve got the vicar and choral society round this afternoon so I thought I would splash out

… I’d like exotic peach melbas … I want the raspberries soaked in kirsch and wrapped in a soft fondant cream 

…I want them coated in white chocolate and hand painted in radiant peach with a blush of rose to hint at the raspberry within 

… and I want them arranged in an artistic tableau to delight the senses 

… and I want the peaches transported on a fleet of white swans nestling on a tapestry of pistachio jocunde ..’

‘You want what?’ replied Agatha

‘My peach melbas ... I’d like them exotic … I want the raspberries soaked in kirsch and wrapped in a soft fondant cream …I want them coated in white chocolate and hand painted in radiant peach with a blush of rose to hint at the raspberry within … and I want them arranged in an artistic tableau to delight the senses … and I want the peaches transported in a fleet of white swans nestling on a tapestry of pistachio jocunde ..’

‘I’ve got two left over from yesterday and they are a bit bashed. I could stick them in a bag.’ offered Agatha

‘I suppose that will have to do.’

That woman has no imagination

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa decided to write a letter; 
  • Theresa said 'has anyone got a pen'; 
  • 'Theresa said 'how do you get the top off of this thing?'; 
  • Theresa said 'oh I can't write a letter in green ink - has anyone got a blue pen'; 
  • Theresa said 'where did I put that letter?' 
  • Theresa said 'I know I had it in the launderette because I remember thinking I must go to the Post Office for a stamp on the way home'; 
  • Ken said ‘Aaaaahhh’ as he came down the stairs; 
  • Ronaldo got a funny statue - not funny 'ha ha'; 
  • Adam said he wasn’t leaving Emmerdale; 
  • Theresa posted a letter; 
  • Theresa said ‘eeh I think I should have put a first class stamp on, but have you seen the price of them; 
  • Nicola saw Theresa had written a letter so she thought she would write a letter too; 
  • Nicola said her plates were killing her so she took her shoes off while she wrote a letter; 
  • Nicola said she must make sure she doesn’t put her shopping list in the wrong envelope by mistake; and
  • Anton had twins.


I’m not at the Patisserie …

It is just before dawn on a chilly mist shrouded morning. I am standing in a trolley shelter at the back of ASDAs.

A battered, old, dusty white van pulls into the far side of the car park.

Checking to make sure no one is about and keeping to the shadows I slowly make my way to the van.

Standing at the rear door of the van I am just about to bang on the door, when I am frozen to the spot by a muffled ‘Who’s there?’ coming from within the van.

I knock twice on the door ‘knock! knock!’ ‘Oleg’ I say

‘What’s the password? interrupted the voice. ‘Look you’re doing it wrong. Your not supposed to say the password until I say ‘What’s the password.’

‘Sorry.’ Long silence

‘Well say something then.’

‘You said not to say anything until you said ‘What’s the password.’

‘For heavens sake … never mind that. What do you want?’

‘Oleg … sorry errr … can you not open the door.’

‘Just a minute.’ There is a lot of shuffling around and some 'tutting' eventually the van door opens and Agatha peers out ‘Oh it’s you.’

‘Don’t be like that. You said I could get some peach melbas with peaches in them if I came here and gave the password.’

Agatha relented 'I suppose so, how many do you want?'

‘Can I have a dozen?’

‘I can’t let you have a dozen.’

‘Well ten then.’



‘I don’t think you are doing it right.’

'I can let you have two, that's my final offer.'

'Have they got peaches in them?'


'I'll take two.' Agatha placed two peach melbas in a plain brown paper bag. I took my purchase and quickly left before Agatha changed her mind.