Saturday, 24 December 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • The Queen and Philip were full of cold; 
  • the Queen said ‘I blame you for this, it’s all your fault’; 
  • Philip said ‘How’s it my fault!’; 
  • the Queen said ‘inviting them grandkids around for Christmas dinner yesterday … they were coughing and sneezing all over the place’; 
  • Philip said ‘eeh Liz you can’t not have the grandkids around … not of a Christmas; 
  • the Queen said ‘they had their sticky little fingers all over my Royal Doulton – I’ll have to have it cleaned now’; 
  • the Queen said ‘and one of them had a hold of that piece our mam left us … eeh I thought if he drops it I’ll be that cross’; 
  • Philip said ‘was it that vase with the stag’s head on it?’ 
  • the Queen said ‘yes, lovely piece that, our mam had a good eye’; 
  • Philip said ‘I wish he had dropped it, it gives me the creeps’; 
  • the Queen said ‘you’ve never liked our mam’; 
  • the Queen and Philip got a bit better; 
  • Philip said I’ve still got those train tickets for Sandringham, do you think they will take them?’ 
  • the Queen said ‘Let’s have a look’; 
  • the Queen said ‘oh never in all the world, you got super savers, they will never take them, what did you get them for?’ 
  • Philip said ‘how was I to know you would come down with a cold’; 
  • the Queen said ‘oh it’s all my fault now is it’; and
  • the Queen said ‘have we not got a helicopter lying around we could use?


The Patisserie was open and Agatha was at the counter …

‘Hello’ I greeted

‘Hello’ said Agatha ‘We are open for business.’

‘I see you’re open for business’.’

‘Yes, open as usual even though it is Christmas Eve.’

‘I wondered if you would be open as usual, what with it being of a Christmas Eve.’

‘Yes we are open and we have our full Christmas range available.’

‘I wasn’t sure if you would have your full range in.’’

‘Everything is going fast and we are closing early.’

‘I suppose everything is going fast, and I bet you are closing early.’

‘You better get what you want now.’

‘I suppose I should get everything now.’

‘We might have nothing left later.’

‘You might have nothing left later.’

‘Are you on a ten second delay?’ asked Agatha


‘Nothing. Look do you want anything or not, I’ve got a queue forming.’

‘Have you got a Stollen?’

‘We don’t do fancy.’

‘Stollen’s not fancy.’

‘It is in here.’

‘I’ll have four mince pies.’ I said resignedly

Miserable old bag

Agatha is on holiday until the new year

Merry Christmas to all out readers

Thursday, 22 December 2016


As if 2016 hasn't been bad enough, I now learn they are adding a leap second at midnight on 31 December.

I don't think 2016 should be allowed to go on any longer than absolutely necessary. 

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news
  • someone won X Factor;
  • Harry bought a tree;
  • Harry said 'eeh mind have you seen the price of them';
  • Theresa went to Europe;
  • Theresa wasn't invited to dinner in Europe;
  • Theresa said 'I'm not bothered I've got me sandwiches';
  • Harry went clubbing; 
  • Charles is going to do Just a minute;
  • Tina is having a film made: 
  • Daniel said he isn't that fussed about being James again; 
  • some royals watched a show from the 70s; and 
  • some people were getting ready to win Strictly, Apprentice and the sport one no one watches. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

... Agatha looked a bit worse for wear ... with smudged mascara and lipstick across her cheek.

'Morning dear' I said hesitantly

'I haven't got time for any of your funny goings on this morning.'

I was a bit taken aback 'What do you mean, 'my funny goings on.'

'Coming in here every week, wanting coconut haystacks that don't taste of coconut and mince pies without any currents in them.'

'I have no idea what you mean, I merely ask for the occasional small adjustment to your recipes ...  Oh wait a minute.' I said suddenly putting two and two together. 'It was the staff Christmas party last night wasn't it.'

'It might have been.'

'It was, I can tell. I bet you were in the Laughing Donkey till all hours.'

'We might have popped in there for a quick one.'

'I bet you were in there all night.'

'Well actually no we moved on to the Blue Raccoon.'

'The Blue Raccoon?  I thought you were barred from there.'

'I wasn't exactly barred.'

'I heard on ladies day at Chepstow races you spent all afternoon knocking back whiskey chasers and lost a load on the 3.30 and ended up in the Blue Raccoon and you were bundled out into the street after you had an argument with him behind the bar with the funny eyes by them two big lads on the door.'

'I wouldn't say bundled ... they just said they thought I might like a bit of fresh air.'

'I head they shouted after you "and don't come back" then slammed the door.'

'Look are you going to buy anything or not?'

'I'll have a pack of mince pies ... with currants in them.'

I took my purchase and left.  She is a right misery when she has a hangover.

Saturday, 10 December 2016


Agatha was at the Patisserie

‘Morning dear’ I said

‘How did you get on with your éclairs?’ quizzed Agatha by way of greeting

‘My éclairs?’

‘Yes, last week you took a couple of my éclairs.’

‘Oh yes, I’d forgotten about that. They were all right. The vicar wasn’t keen … says he doesn’t like éclairs.

‘He doesn’t like anything.’ Muttered Agatha


‘Nothing … What can I get you this week then? asked Agatha with a despairing sigh

‘I don’t know. I'm not sure what to get, I’ve not seen the vicar all week.’

‘You haven’t? I’ve seen him a couple of times. He has been in the library … hanging around the poetry section.’

‘Has he?  I wonder what he was doing in there.'

Agatha looked over each shoulder and lowered her voice and said 'Irene off of the post office counter says he was seen coming out of the pictures with a mystery woman. She says she has heard he is back on with that Deirdre from the Community Center.'

'I thought that was all off ... after that time at the bishop's whist drive to raise funds for distressed gentlewomen, and she got legless on homemade sherry and every time the bishop tried to take her glass off her she said "not so fast miss, I'll have another and make it a double".

'Well apparently it's back on.'

'Oh that is news. I'll have to get down the library see if I can find out what's going on. Does that tall one that is a right misery that does the front desk work of a Saturday?'


'I'll go Monday.'

Friday, 9 December 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news
  • Karen got a prize for her turnips - what a funny thing to get a prize for;' 
  • Donald was named Times Person of the Year - well so was Hitler; 
  • Harry was in Toronto; 
  • Ricky is on holiday; 
  • Mary sacked her agent; 
  • someone won something in the jungle;
  • George got £187,000 in a month for speaking - goodness that's a lot of money; 
  • Boris got wrong off Theresa; 
  • Boris said he wasn't bothered; 
  • Mick had a new baby - eeh he's had loads; 
  • Donald phoned Nicola;
  • Nicola said 'ee ya wee scunner, help ma boab, auchtimuctie an ecclefechan'; 
  • Petulia said she din't go out with Elvis; 
  • Beatrice might be getting married; and 
  • Harry might be getting married as well – must be something in the water;  
  • Andrew said he hadn't said he was fed up with Charles;
  • Andrew said he wanted Beatrice and Eugenie to be modern working young women'; and
  • Beatrice and Eugenie said 'what does he mean "Working". 

Saturday, 3 December 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Katya said thank goodness for that;
  • Donald said he would probably do presidenting full time;
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind it is a full time job, I never get a minute';
  • Cheryl is probably having a baby; and 
  • Anton is having two babies; 
  • Zac said ‘I’m sick of this lark’; 
  • Francois said he can’t be faffed either; and
  • Nico said he was packing it in as well; and 
  • Elton might be packing it in as well;
  • Beatrice cut Ed's face; 
  • Eddie got an oboe; and 
  • there was a bit of a to do at the Corrie do. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have two peach melbas.’

‘Oh we don’t do peach melbas of a Christmas. We won’t be doing them again until the new year. Can I get you something else?’

‘I don’t know. The vicar is quite particular.’

‘What about a couple of coconut haystacks?’ suggested Agatha

‘I’m not sure. The vicar was quite scathing about your coconut haystacks the last time.’

Agatha’s eyes narrowed ‘What’s he been saying about my coconut haystacks?’

‘Well nothing really … just they were a bit dry.’


‘And a bit obvious.’


‘Yes he said they had coconut in them … and were like little stacks.’

Agatha looked cross – ‘What did he expect to find in a coconut haystack.’

‘I don’t know … he just said they were a bit obvious.’

'What about a couple of nice mincemeat pies.'

'Do they look like pies?'


Have they got mincemeat in them?'


'I'll have two eclairs.'