Saturday, 26 November 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people were still in the jungle;
  • Kate said goodbye to a dinosaur - not Philip; while
  • Harry went to the Caribbean; 
  • Sue Ellen was in Hollyoaks;
  • James is doing some more Grantchester;
  • Barak awarded some medals;
  • Steven said he was packing in football; and 
  • Philip has bee tying knots for 60 years; 
  • some people were still in the jungle;
  • the Queen spent £1.4 million on food last year;
  • Danny found he could trace his family line all the way back to the Queen Victoria; someone left the jungle - I am not surprised, it looks awful; and 
  • Pixie got engaged. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Oh I'm pleased you came in' she said 'I have kept you one of our special Christmas cake kits.'

'Christmas cake kit - what's that?'  I asked

'It is a kit with al the ingredients to make a Christmas cake you just add one or two things.'

'Oh that sounds good.'

'I'll get you one.'  Agatha disappeared out the back and came back with a bag of flour 'There' she said placing the kit on the counter.  'Yours for £5.'

'It looks like a bag of flour.'

'No that's the Christmas cake kit

'It looks like a pound bag of flour.'

'No I told you, you just have to add some things.'

'Like what'

'Err ... eggs'

'Ok I can see you would need to add eggs.'

'and sugar'

'Sugar' I repeated

'Dried fruit'

'Hang on I will just write these down ... dried fruit ...

Glace cherries'


'You can't have a Christmas cake without cherries' explained Agatha ... oh and ground almonds.'

'Ground almonds and cherries' I repeated, adding them to my list


'Butter' I repeated

'Oh and err marzipan and icing.

'That's a lot of things to add.'

'Well you don't have to have the marzipan and icing.'

'I like marzipan.'

'Well have the marzipan.  Oh and spices.'

'Anything else?'


'Anything else'

'Err no, that's it I think. You can get the extras round the aisles, I'll just take for the Christmas cake kit here.'

I handed over £5 and took the kit and left.  As I walked away I heard that 'kkkeerrrchiinnggg!' sound again.  I wonder what it is.

Monday, 21 November 2016

Dear David - Black Friday

Dear David

What is Black Friday?

David Responds

Ah yes, this is a new thing from America.

It is like a sale, only you have to wear a track suit and be prepared to grapple a complete stranger to the ground over a 50" TV made by a company you have never heard of but it has £10 off.

If you are really lucky you will end up as a feature on the 6 o'clock news.

Saturday, 19 November 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa had a banquet with the Lord Mayor - how lovely; 
  • some people you have never heard of went into the jungle;
  • Barak went on a European tour;
  • Barak said 'eeeh aren't there a lot of European countries';
  • Theresa went to Europe;
  • Angela heard that Theresa was coming to Europe;
  • Angela said 'oh she isn't is she';
  • Theresa said 'why does no one like me over here'
  • the Queen is getting the decorators in;
  • the Queen said 'eeh that back bedroom's not been done for years';
  • Philip said ''it's not that long since it was done';
  • the Queen said 'eeh Philip i'ts been ages our mam said it needed doing, so it must be ages'; 
  • the Queen said 'eehh have you seen how much they are charging';
  • Philip said he knew someone who would do it for half the price; and 
  • Marilyn sold her dress - that one.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

… and she was all in festive dress.

‘Oh don’t you look festive.’ I said

‘I told them it’s too early for festive.’ replied Agatha

‘It’s a bit early though’ I said ‘to be all dressed up in festive.’

‘I said it was too early.’

‘I like your little festive earrings’ I commented as I leaned over the counter to get a closer look

‘Can you not lean over the counter,’ instructed Agatha ‘you are not allowed.’

‘I was just trying to look at your Christmas earrings. They look like little pixies.’

‘They are elves.’

‘They look like pixies.’

‘They are elves.’

‘They look like pixies … little pixies.

‘They are elves.’

'What's the difference?'

‘Well … eerrr elves is sort of elfish and pixies … well .. they are more pixyish …’

‘That’s daft. That doesn’t tell me the difference.’

‘Does it matter,’ snapped Agatha

‘I was just saying.’

‘Well don't.  Do you want anything are you just going to stand there saying stupid things.’

‘I was just saying.’

‘I said don’t. It doesn’t matter.’

‘It matters if you are a pixie.’



'Do you want anything?'

'I'll have a couple of peach melbas.'

Monday, 14 November 2016


I had the strangest dream ... .

... I was waiting for a lift and when the doors opened Donald Trump and Nigel Farage were standing in there grinning out at me.

Turns out it wasn't a dream

Saturday, 12 November 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Hilary said ‘eeh me feets killing is; 
  • Hilary said ‘that Donald’; 
  • Barak said ‘eeh never in all the world ... not that Donald’; 
  • Barak said ‘we’ve got weeks yet, let’s get Christmas out the way before we start packing’; 
  • Michelle said ‘Well he’s not getting them cushion covers I ran up, I’m having them’ 
  • Donald went to see Barak; 
  • Donald looked shell shocked; 
  • Donald said ‘eeh have I got to learn all this?’; 
  • Donald said ‘eeh have we been talking for an hour and a half already?’ 
  • Barak said ‘It seemed longer; 
  • the Queen said ‘Oh I haven’t got to meet him have I?’; 
  • the Queen said ‘eeh the things I have to do for this country’; 
  • Philip said ‘Can you not send Charles?’ 
  • the Queen said ‘it’s all right I’ll go, I need something at the shops anyway’; and 
away from US politics ...
  • Kirsty played God Save the Queen; 
  • Mariah is only getting $6 million and a small jet; and 
  • Gareth said he would like to be in charge of England - I am not sure Theresa knows about that though.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said

‘Hello replied, I’ve got your pies all ready for you.’

‘My pies?’

‘Yes, your pies.’

‘I’m not sure I want any pies.’

‘But you have been buying pies every week for ages now.’

‘I’m not sure I want any pies.’

‘You were buying Halloween pies for weeks.’

‘I’m not sure I want any pies.’

‘Then there was the Bonfire night special pies’

‘I’m not sure I want any pies.’

‘But I am relying on you buying pies. They have been a nice little earner … I mean we have made some especially for you.’

‘Oh I didn’t realise. I suppose I could have a few … If you have gone to all that bother.’

‘Ah good.’ Said Agatha with a sigh of relief

‘How many have you kept me?’

‘Forty eight.’

‘Forty eight!’

‘Yes Forty eight.’

‘Oh I don’t think I could manage 48.’

‘I was relying on you taking 48, it would give me a tenner for the open mic night at the Laughing Donkey.’


‘Oh … eerrr … nothing. How many do you want then?

‘I’ll take four.’

‘Oh is that all’ sighed Agatha

'Are they back to the normal price?'

'I suppose so.'

I took my mince pies and left … Agatha looked a little forlorn.

Saturday, 5 November 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some famous people went to Halloween parties, but I couldn't tell who they were;
  • Hilary said she wishes she never heard of emails;
  • Harry might be seeing someone;
  • some people left Strictly, the Apprentice and the one about people singing tunes that no one watches;
  • Madonna is writing some new tunes – I like the one about someone not preaching about something or other; 
  • Harry got a new girlfriend;
  • Charles told the Queen harry had a new girlfriend;
  • the Queen said 'which one is Harry again?';
  • Louis got a double; 
  • Theresa said ‘This Brexit is getting on my nerves’; 
  • Emma is being Beauty; 
  • Theresa said ‘Eeh them judges’; and
  • Mary got a new TV programme. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘’

‘Oh hello, you’re early this week.’

‘I thought I’d try to get in a bit sooner before the rush’

‘Rush … what rush?’

‘The rush for the Patisserie Bonfire Night specials.’

Agatha gave a puzzled look‘You have lost me.’

‘I thought you might have special Bonfire night pies.;

‘No we don't … oh … errr … wait a minute.’ Agatha went out the back closing the door behind her. I heard her shout something about where’s that case for the skip … who’s moved It .. and why does nobody round here not leave things where they are … A few minutes later she returned nestling a large box in her bosoms. She dropped the box onto the counter with a large thump

‘What’s that’ I asked

‘It’s our special Bonfire night pie range.’

'I thought you said you didn’t do anything special for Bonfire night?’

‘I forgot’ she said as she opened the box and took out some pies.

'They look like your Halloween flying saucer pies.’

‘Ah well .. yes … no .. they are Bonfire pies.’

‘They look like mince pies. What’s that icing sugar on the top?’

‘Errr … it’s ash from the fire.’

‘And they are all burnt around the edges.’

‘Ah well .. that’s the bonfire isn’t it.’

'Oh yes ... isn't that clever. I suppose they are more expensive than your normal pies.'

'Ah yes .. well I only sell them, they set the prices said Agatha as she nodded her head to the offices upstairs.

'Go on then, I'll have a pack of four?'

I paid for my purchase and left. Walking toward the door I heard that 'Keerrchinnggg' sound again. I wonder what it is.