Saturday, 29 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Nicola met Theresa;
  • Theresa thought she might like to have a new runway; 
  • Theresa said not to put the runway near her house because they are dead noisy; 
  • Mariah got chucked because she spends too much money; 
  • David got a new tattoo – he has got loads already; 
  • Candice won the Bake Off; 
  • the Queen got a new statue of her mother;
  • the Queen went to Waitrose;
  • the Queen said 'I got these tea cakes here but they were dead stale can I have my money back';
  • Someone left the apprentice before it started; 
  • Hilary said she wished she had never heard of emails; and
  • Bob said he was speechless. 


Agatha was in full Halloween mode at the Patisserie this morning with blackened mascara eyes and lipstick spread across her mouth.

‘Oh I see you’re all ready for Halloween’

‘What do you mean?’ croaked Agatha

‘It's jusst your ... make-up' ... I paused 'Oh err never mind … were you in the Laughing Donkey last night.’

‘I might have popped in for a couple, why.’

‘Oh nothing, just wondered.'  I quickly  changed the subject 'I suppose this is the last week for your scary flying saucer Halloween pies.’

‘Yes we won’t be doing them next week. Can I get you a pack of four.’

‘I suppose so, they are a bit pricey – what with them being 10p dearer than your normal mince pies.’

‘Ah well actually, what with it being Halloween this weekend, they are 20p more.’

‘That’s a bit steep' I protested , this Halloween business gets expensive.’

‘Still you don’t want to be the only one in the street without scary Halloween pies do you.’

‘I suppose not, no’ I agreed regretfully handing over the money.

As I walked away from the counter I heard that ‘Kerrrchinggg’ noise again. I wonder what it is.

Saturday, 22 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Stephen said he couldn't be bothered to stay in UKIP;
  • Jude got some new hair;
  • some Olympic people met the Queen at an evening reception;
  • the Queen asked Philip to tape Holby;
  • Philip said 'can you not watch it on catch up?';
  • Louis bought a new house for $7.3 million – what a lot of money; 
  • Cheryl got divorced; 
  • Cheryl is running out of surnames; 
  • someone left the tent; 
  • Brendan might not be doing Strictly;  
  • a few others might not be doing Strictly either;
  • Theresa went to an EU summit;
  • Theresa was only allowed to talk about the UK at one in the morning over coffee;
  • Theresa said these Europeans are dead rough; and
  • Anthea got chucked again.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘I think I’ll have four of your flying saucers.’

Agatha give me a quizzical look ‘four of my what?’ she queried

‘You’re flying saucers … you sold me some last week.’

‘What you talking about.’

‘Last week … your scary Halloween range … they look like mince pies but they cost 10p each extra because they are special for Halloween.’

‘Oh … ah yes … I remember now. I’ll just get you some.’ Agatha disappeared out the back and returned moments later with four pies. ‘Can I get you anything else … maybe some scary Halloween gingerbread men?’ She pointed to some gingerbread figures in the display.

‘They look like ordinary gingerbread men’.

‘I can draw a scary face on them for an extra 10p each.;

‘Go on then I’ll have four.’ Agatha assembled my items and told me the price.

‘Ooh that’s a bit steep, still I suppose it is only once a year.’ I said as I handed over a fiver.

Agatha looked at the fiver and asked if I had the right money.

I had to take around for some coins but handed over the exact amount. I watched as Agatha rang the items through, dividing the money and put 80p in her purse as she made a kerrrrching noise.

What a funny thing to do.

Monday, 17 October 2016

Dear David - Pots

Dear David

Why are teapots a different shape to coffee pots? Have we been brain washed into thinking we need two separate pots?

David Responds

What a funny question ...

If teapots were the same size and shape as coffee pots tea cosies wouldn't fit.

Saturday, 15 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Wayne couldn't get a game;
  • Kate borrowed some earrings off of the Queen;
  • Rod got his sirknighthoodship;
  • Will left Strictly - and he didn't even have to:
  • Charles opened his own restaurant; 
  • Camilla said ‘does this mean you are going to be up at all hours cooking chips?’;
  • England couldn’t be bothered to play a football game; 
  • Gareth said he had inherited a right mess; 
  • Gareth was surprised when it caused a fury; 
  • Gareth said ‘It’s hardly a secret’; 
  • Bob got a Nobel prize; 
  • Robbie got a little cosmetic help; 
  • Nadiya is going to do The One Show; and 
  • Nicola thought she might have another referendum.


continued from last week ... 

 ... I could do you a Halloween pie.’ said Agatha

‘What’s a Halloween pie?’ I asked

‘Hang on.’ Agatha disappeared out the back, returning a few moments later with a tray covered with a tea towel. Agatha looked around to make sure we were alone. With a flourish she removed tea towel cover ‘There.’ she announced.

‘That’s a mince pie.’

‘No it isn’t.’

‘It is.’

‘It isn’t.’

‘It is, look it is round, pie shaped and has icing sugar on it.’

‘Ah no it’s not round shaped it is err flying saucer shaped.’

‘You just made that up.’

‘I didn’t.  It's part of our scary Halloween range.’

'What's scary about a flying saucer?' not convinced I asked

'You wouldn't want one in your front garden.'

‘I suppose ... well what's the icing sugar for. You don’t get icing sugar on a flying saucer.’

‘That’s not icing sugar that’s ghost plasma. Err yes that’s what it is, it’s ghost plasma.’

‘’That doesn’t sound very nice.’

‘It’s not supposed to, it’s our Halloween range.  Do you want some?’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Go on. I can do you a pack of four.’

‘I don’t know, maybe, I’ll think about it and come back later.’

‘They are going really quickly, they are selling like hot cakes’ tittered Agatha

‘Go on, I’ll have four flying saucers with ghost plasma.’

I left with my purchase – I'm not sure about these flying saucer pies.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • someone left Strictly;
  • some people are singing tunes on the other side - not the other side the other side, just the other side;
  • Diane packed her job in;
  • Nigel said 'eeh I can't go back again ... can I?':
  • Stephen was in an altercation;
  • Stephen said 'eeh mind this party is dead rough';
  • Steven said ‘who are you calling a sniveling little pipsqueak’; 
  • Steven said ‘do you want to come outside and say that’; 
  • someone with fat fingers cost us a fortune; 
  • the Queen gave Brian an OBE;
  • Brain said thank you very much;
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind that Brain is dead loud he has my ears ringing'; and
  • Michael is going to do next year's Brits - does anyone still watch that?


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning' I said  ‘I was wondering if you had your mince pies in yet’

‘You asked me that last week.’

‘I know and you tried to sell me a Christmas tree instead.’

‘I didn’t’

‘You did. You told me to go to Lewis’s for a Christmas tree when all I wanted was a mince pie.’

‘That was just a misunderstanding. What can I get you?’

I repeated my question.

‘No we haven’t got them in yet. It’s too soon. Can I get you something else?’

‘I wanted mince pies.’

‘We haven’t got any.’

‘I heard you sell mince pies from your van out the back of ASDAs first think of a morning’.

‘Who told you that?’ demanded Agatha as she put her tongs down and leaned over the counter

‘Err no one' I said taking a step back 'just some old dear in the library.’

‘Well I don’t.’

‘Have you got anything that is similar to a mince pie?’

‘Have we got anything similar to a mince pie?’


‘No’ Agatha paused … ‘although ... I could do you a Halloween pie.’ ... to be continued.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa gave David a torpedo;
  • William and Kate were in Canada;
  • George said 'What's a high five?';
  • Zoe chucked Norman - there is a lot of it about at the minute; and
  • the two that were on the X Factor that you thought would never get together and no one knows their names - they have split up as well; 
  • Sam packed his job in; 
  • Sam said ‘eeh I’ve only been here five minutes: 
  • Sam said ‘£1 million for me – are you sure?’; 
  • Danny said brothers can be really annoying;
  • some scientists flew a spacecraft for 12 years then crashed it into a comet - what a funny thing to do;
  • Niall made a tune all on his own; 
  • Donald and Hilary had a chat; and 
  • Donald thought he would get some tips on how to speak from Nigel.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

Morning dear’ I said ‘I was wondering if you had your mince pies in yet.’

‘It’s too soon’ replied Agatha

‘Too soon? It’s not too soon. John Lewis have their Christmas trees in.

‘We don’t do Christmas trees.’

‘I know you don’t do Christmas trees, I thought you might do mince pies though.’

‘If you want Christmas trees you will have to go somewhere else. We don’t do Christmas trees.’

‘I know.’

‘You could try John Lewis, they might do you a Christmas tree.’

‘I don’t want a Christmas tree.’

‘I’ve heard Lewis’s have their Christmas trees in.’

‘I know. I told you that.’

‘If you know Lewis’s have their trees in what you asking me for?’

‘I wasn’t asking you for a Christmas tree, I was asking for mince pies.’

‘It’s too soon for pies.’

I wonder if I need a Christmas tree.