Saturday, 24 September 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Angelina said 'you know that thing I said I wanted for our anniversary ... actually you needn't bother;
  • Owen said he couldn't be bothered to lead the Labour party anymore - it was a right faff;
  • John told Jeremy he had to keep leading the Labour party;
  • Victoria might be seeing Albert - I think I reported that a couple of hundred years ago;
  • it was a bad week for the Kardashians;
  • Karen might be the new Len;
  • Mary said she didn't like the look of Channel 4;
  • Paul said he thought Channel 4 looked like it had lots of money; 
  • some people started dancing on the telly; 
  • Pippa's personal private pics pinched; 
  • William and Kate are in Canada;
  • Kate said 'ooh look we can wear these big hats'; and
  • the Chuckle brothers are going to host the Bake Off.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

... and I was wondering if they had their mince pies in yet.

As Agatha collected my order I peered over the counter to see if there were any pies round the back.

'What are you doing?' demanded Agatha when she caught me looking.

'Nothing.'

'Are you looking at my ankles?'

'No, not at all.'

'You were.'

'I was not.  I wouldn't dream of looking at your ankles.'

'What's wrong with my ankles?'

'Err nothing ... I am sure they are very fine ankles.  Not that you can see much of them, you don't often see tights made of astrakhan.'

'I like to keep them well covered.'

'And the clogs, they set off your ankles.  You have very sturdy ankles ... yes that's it sturdy.'

'Do you want anything else or are you going to look at my ankles all day?'

'No I'm done thank you.'

Friday, 23 September 2016

Dear David - Bake Off

Dear David

Is it true that Fanny Craddock will be taking over from Mary Berry on the new bake off?

David Responds

I think people would like to see Fanny on the bake off, but as she is no longer with us I think it is unlikely.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Dear David - Brad

Dear David

I had just settled down to my egg and chips when the doorbell rang. Obviously I ignored it but now I've seen the news and I am concerned it was Brad and he left in a Blueline taxi without me opening the door.  I'm devastated what should I do?

David Responds

I think you are straying into the realms of fantasy here ... oh wait a minute ...

... what's this in the envelope ...

... a photograph ...

... I like these letters ... with photographs in them ...

... let's have a look ...

...a selfie ... ah...

Yes I thought so ... there you are in your armchair with egg and chips all over your face, you must have fallen asleep eating your dinner again.  I think you might have had a dream.

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David packed his job in; 
  • David said he is thinking of writing a book;
  • Theresa said 'Thank goodness he has gone'; 
  • they won't be baking cakes on the BBC next year; 
  • Mel and Sue packed their jobs in;
  • Nigel packed his job in - again;
  • someone you never heard of took over Nigel's job
  • some Spice Girls are going to judge's houses - I wonder if any of them will get through;
  • Orlando has gone blonde;
  • Steptoe won the Mercury Prize;
  • Hilary is feeling a bit better;
  • Hilary said her feet were still killing her though;
  • Renee went to a school reunion; and
  • the Pope went to hospital - just visiting. 

Sainsbury's

... still at the Patisserie ...

Agatha was calling for the manager  'Mr Arkwright! Mr Arkwright!'

'There is no need for that.' I interrupted 'I know you and the manager don't get on ... ever since he put you on a disciplinary because he said you arranged your finger doughnuts in an obscene and inappropriate manner.'

'Stop wafting that flour around.'

'I'm not wafting, it's more waving.'

'Well stop it.'

'I was only offering to sprinkle self-raising over your baps.'

'Well don't.  I can manage.'

'Ok, well I'll just have my usual.'

... I wonder if they will take this bag of self-raising back at the till.

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Dear David - CV

Dear David

I have just completed my CV and in the section about personal interests I have written 'reading' and watching films'.  Do you think that is enough?

David Responds

I would try and write a bit more - because all you have really said is you like sitting down and looking at things.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tom and Taylor split;
  • Mother Teresa became a saint - there must be something going on it was dead quick;
  • Mike had a pocket full of £50 notes;
  • Mike said 'eeh I didn't know they were in there';
  • some people made some bread - I like a large multi-seeded myself;
  • Theresa wants to take her granma to school;
  • Anne wasn’t very well; 
  • Sir Winston is coming back into circulation of a Tuesday; 
  • Jeremy and Owen had a bit of a chat; 
  • foxy has a big mouth;
  • Theresa said 'That Foxy'; and
  • some people did some dancing on the telly.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said as Agatha got my items.  Waiting I struck up a little conversation, 'I was wondering,' I started 'you are always doing things for me; like getting my multi-seeded and telling me you haven't any peach melbas left, so I was wondering if there was anything I could do for you in return.'

Agatha paused holding a peach melba in mid air 'What do you mean?' she asked as she narrowed her eyes suspiciously

'I was thinking ... maybe I could flour your baps.'

'I beg your pardon.'

'Your baps, I know you like them floured, maybe I could help.'

'If you don't stop I'll call the manager.'

'I don't mind.  I could get a bag of self-raising and sprinkle it all over your baps.'

'Mr Arkwright! Mr Arkwright!'

Monday, 5 September 2016

Mother Teresa

You might have see that mother Teresa was fast tracked to sainthood yesterday.

That was quick, the third fasted route to sainthood in history.

Why all the hurry?

Saturday, 3 September 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David had a pizza; 
  • Mel says she isn’t in the Spice Girls anymore – I thought they split up years ago; 
  • Rav is suing Splash; 
  • some people started dancing on Strictly; 
  • Donald is going to Mexico; 
  • Donald said ‘see if you can find out how much fence posts are while we are here’; 
  • Brazil isn’t going to have a President anymore;
  • David is going to do the Crystal Maze;
  • David isn't going to do the Crystal Maze - someone you have never heard of is doing the Crystl Maze;
  • Theresa is in China; 
  • Nick wrote a book;
  • David said he was glad he didn't have to go to those things anymore; and
  • Two people are going to be leaders of the Green party - maybe Labour could do that;

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ..

‘Morning dear’ I called

‘Morning’ she replied ‘I’m just getting your items ready.’

‘Has the vicar been in this week’ I asked casually

‘No not the vicar,'  Agatha took my multi-grain off of the slicer and put it in a bag 'but big Deirdre off of the library counter was round of Wednesday morning with the mobile library.’

‘Mobile library?  What mobile library, we don't have a mobile library?’

‘Oh we do, didn’t you know. They have a mobile library, comes round of a Wednesday morning.  Big Deirdre got her HGV so she drives it.  Then she does the counter and takes the returns. Saves me loads of time.  She brings the latest Catherine Cooksons and I save her a couple of melbas ... fresh ones straight out the oven. I put the cream and icing on myself … special like.’

'Oh well that's very nice for you both.'  I picked up my items and left

I think I have discovered a black market in peach melbas and Catherine Cooksons.