Saturday, 27 August 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Eugenie is getting married; 
  • Craig is going to be the new Len; 
  • Arlene thinks she is going to be the new Len;
  • Anton thought he was going to be the new Len;
  • Tom and Taylor had an argument - no way, who saw that coming; 
  • Leonardo rode a bicycle; while 
  • Richard fell off his bicycle; 
  • some Olympian athletes came back to the UK – I am not sure it was wise having them all on the same plane; 
  • some new people made some cakes – couldn’t see any peach melbas; 
  • Jeremy sat on a train – well not sat on a train … more sat in a train; 
  • Richard said his trains weren’t that busy; and
  • Richard has never tried getting out of Leeds at tea time of a Friday; 


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Can I have a large sliced multi-seeded.’

‘Of course’ replied Agatha ‘I’ll just pop one through the slicer.’ Agatha loaded the machine and we stood quietly waiting as it sliced away.

‘Has the vicar been in today.’ I inquired, keeping my tone casual.

‘Er no not today. Although our Margaret says he was in of Tuesday morning buying a couple of Bath buns and some communion wine. Our Margaret says she had a bit of a laugh with the vicar pointing at the wine she said ‘eeh I didn’t know you used Prosecco for communion wine’. She said the vicar got all flustered and covered the bottle up with his Radio Times.’

‘Tuesday’ I thought … Big Deirdre off of the library counter does a half day of a Tuesday.

Agatha broke into my thoughts … ‘so are you wanting your peach melbas as usual?'

'Yes please.'

' … will that be one or two?’ she asked knowingly

‘Err I’ll have two.’ I confirmed

I can always put one in the freezer if the vicar is hanging out with his fancy new friend.

Saturday, 20 August 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Nigel got a mouse tache;
  • Theresa left Boris in charge of the country while she went on holiday;
  • Theresa said 'Don't break anything while I am away';
  • some more people won medals for running around dead fast;
  • Ryan had a few drinks;
  • Ryan broke a bathroom;
  • ran got robbed;
  • Ryan thought maybe he hadn't been robbed after all;
  • Alistair and Jonny got gold and silver;
  • Mo said 'What damn fool left a Lego brick there?'; 
  • Eugenie got a new flat;
  • Eugenie said 'What's rent?';
  • X Factor bosses are getting out their buzzers - or is that the other one; and
  • I think some people are still in the Celebrity Big Brother house - it is difficult to tell.


Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’

‘Rightio’ said Agatha cheerily then she paused.  ‘Your usual?’


‘Including the peach melbas?’


‘Are you sure?’


‘Are you sure.’

‘Yes.’ I reiterated ‘Why are you asking?’

‘It’s just the vicar was in earlier.’

‘The vicar was in earlier.’

‘and he bought a couple of peach melbas.’

‘The vicar?’


‘and he bought a couple of peach melbas?’


‘The vicar?’


‘What did he want with a couple of peach melbas?’

‘He didn’t say.’

‘Are you sure it was the vicar?’

‘It was either the vicar or a very large penguin.’ Tittered Agatha

‘A pengu … oh very funny.'

'What did he want with a couple of peach melbas?'  I repeated

'He muttered something about having had apple slices recently and he didn't like apples as they had connotations.'

'What else did he say.'

'Nothing really.'

'He must have said something.'

'Just something about a big Deirdre that works in the library and how he wondered if she liked peach melbas.'

'Oh did he now.  I wonder if the verger knows he is hanging around her off of the library counter.'

'So does that mean you won't be wanting your melbas this week.'

'Err no thank you, I think I'll leave it. Make it an apple slice instead ... a large one.'

Saturday, 13 August 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ed is going to do Strictly - is it that time of year again already; and 
  • Will is going to do Strictly as well; 
  • Some people got medals for jumping up and down and for riding around on bicycles dead fast;
  • some horses won medals as well; while
  • Louis fell off his horse;
  • Gordon had a make over - well a bit of a make over;
  • Michael got some more gold medals; 
  • Michael said ‘eeh I've got loads of these now';
  • Michael said ‘I don’t know where I am going to put all these medals; 
  • Peter bought Tom’s old house; 
  • Arianna is leaving the Post; 
  • Kate and William are in France again; and
  • Jeremy had a dance - well a bit of a dance. 

Dear David - Spanish Plume

Dear David

I've seen on the news we are getting a Spanish plume.  I am not sure I want one, i don't think I have anything to go with it.  What should I do?

David Responds

I'm not sure what a Spanish plume is but I don't think it is an item of clothing.

If it is clothing you could wear those voluminous pantaloons you wore last week in the Laughing Donkey, they should go ok.


Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Oh hello dear.’ I said ‘It’s nice to see you back in the shop.’

‘What do you mean, back at the shop?’ queried Agatha ‘I’m here every week.’

‘Last week you were in the car park at the back of ASDAs.’ I laughed

‘Ssshhh’ hissed Agatha ‘You never saw me at the back of ASDAs.’

‘I did.’

‘You didn’t.’

‘I did.’

‘You didn’t.’

‘I did.’

Agatha leaned forward over the counter and very slowly said ‘You … did .. not … see … me … at … the … back … of … ASDAs … last …. week.’

‘Err … aahh … no I don't think I did. I … err wasn’t even at ASDAs myself.’

‘That’s better. Now what do you want?’

‘Can I have my usual two peach ..’ Agatha interrupted me with a glare ‘err no not that … err make it a couple of apple turnovers.

It was only later I remembered the vicar doesn’t like apples, he says they have connotations.

Thursday, 11 August 2016

Dear David - Diet

Dear David

As you have, I have been on diet for a while with poor results and it got me thinking - why don't I just eat what you eat and I'll get slim. Could you supply me with an example of one of your daily menus?

David Responds

How clever of you to notice.

I’m not sure if I can help, I try to stay away from giving health and medical advice, it can turn into a right nightmare. Like that time I suggested Deidre from the library should get a budgie to cheer herself up because she was dead fed up and she got one, a blue one called Joey, but next door’s cat got it and she ended up in a worse state than she started.

She blamed me and I am not sure how it was my fault.

Oh what’s this in the envelope …

… its some sheets of paper …

… there’s writing on them …

…let’s have a look … where’s the first page …

… oh yes here it is …

… what a bold heading …My food … Monday …

… goodness what a lot pages there are …

Ah I think I can see a solution, why don’t you skip pages three to seven out of your daily intake – that might help.

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Dear David - Search ... again

Dear David

Thank you for replying to my letter yesterday, but you didn’t answer my final point .. am I deranged?

David Responds


Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Dear David - Search

Dear David

I have a First World Issue I need your help with.

For over a week I have been trying to find a plate rack to sit next to my kitchen sink but apparently the financial crash of some years ago has ceased all production. The only one I have found was in Poundland but they wanted to charge me £5 for it, and I could only have it if I spent £1 on something else (how can a pound shop behave like this?). I've tried all over the North East even as far as Blackpool! No plate racks!

The staff at Sainsbury's were beyond useless - I went to find that nice Agatha on the Patisserie Counter (who you've written so much about) but the Manager denied any knowledge of her! She looked at me like I was deranged!

So David my question to you is simple - am I deranged?

Yours, a friend in need.

Ps - any suggestions where I can get a plate rack from?

David Responds

Oh what a lot of dilemmas.

I'm not sure why you need a plate rack, doesn't your maid keep on top of the washing up?  It might be easier to get a new maid than a plate rack!  lol - don't tell Tony Blair I said that.

I would keep out of that Poundland place.  I once bout a Twix in there and I said to the woman it didn't weigh anything like a pound and she got very cross.

Ah well, it depends on what day you went to Sainsbury's.  Agatha doesn't do a Tuesday afternoon or of a Thursday and when she isn't in they are a bit cagey about her.  The manager doesn't' like her, he says she gets too many complaints and they always run out of peach melbas of a Saturday and he has to spend the morning ringing round the other stores to try and get some brought in, and he gets dead fed up. So if you asked for her, you might not have been too popular.

What about trying IKEA? Although it will be a four mile walk to get to the checkout.

Saturday, 6 August 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people went to Brazil to play sports; 
  • William and Kate went to France on holiday;
  • Barbra is having some new concerts; 
  • Sam said 'Do we have to go on holiday to Cornwall again this year?';
  • David said 'Hell no pass me those holiday brochures';
  • David wore some shorts onthe beach;
  • the designer of the shorts asked David if he would mind awfully getting some other shorts to wear on the beach;
  • Boris went on holiday to Greece;
  • Boris wore some home made shorts on the beach in Greece;
  • Boris's nan wondered where her parlor curtains had gone;
  • Andy carried a flag;
  • Nicola was furious Andy carried a flag;
  • Anne said she didn't think Andy knew how to carry a flag; and
  • Colin has some grey hair.


I’m not at the Patisserie …

… I am in a windswept car park round the back of ASDA. It is 5 am and I’m not sure this is a good idea so I’m wearing an overcoat, dark glasses and something called a bean hat.

There doesn’t seem to be anyone around so I stand and wait. After a while a dirty white van screeches into the car park and stops next to the recycling bins.

A familiar figure gets out of the van and stands nearby.

I remember the agreed signal and reach into the still open side window of my car and flash my headlights twice.

I walk slowly to the white van and as I near Agatha I take off my sunglasses.

‘Hello dear’ I call I understand you have peach melbas on sale.’

‘What’s the password?’ demanded Agatha

‘Password? What password?’

‘You should have a password.’

‘I wasn’t given a password.’

Agatha sighed ‘Have you got any form of identification.’

‘Identification! You know it’s me.’

‘I have to have identification.’

‘Hang on then a minute.’ I rummaged around in my pockets and found my library ticket and offered it to Agatha.

Agatha’s eyes quickly scanned the ticket. ‘Oh you go to that library do you? I used to go there. Is the tall miserable one still on the front counter?’

‘Yes he is still there. I had a right argument with him the other week. He made me stand 20 minutes in the queue for the new Catherine Cookson and when I got to the front he said they didn’t have it in and to come back next week.’

‘That sounds like him. He is a right misery.’ Agatha looked cautiously over both shoulders and lowered her voice. Actually … I think I might have a copy of it in the back of the van. I can let you have it for a £1.’

‘I’m not sure’ I hesitated I’m a bit short this week. How much are the melbas?’

‘I can do you a deal.’

'Can I use my Nectar points?'

Agatha just glared 'I'll take that as a no then.'