Saturday, 30 July 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Duncan is going to do Hollyoaks;
  • Niall bought a new house;
  • Sherlock is coming soon; and
  • some Cold Feet people are coming back as well;
  • the Pope had a trip;
  • the Pope said 'what damn fool left that there?';
  • some people you never heard of went into the Celebrity Big brother house;
  • Hilary got nominated;
  • Charles and Camilla went to a school - Once ones one, once twos two;
  • Meryl might be playing Topsy next to Mary; and
  • Joan is going to be Joan
  • rhe Quen started her summer holidays;
  • the Queen said 'did we book half board or bed and breakfast?';
  • Charles went to a seaweed factory; and
  • Camilla said 'No, you are all right I've got shopping to do, you go on your own'.

Dear David - World Cup

Dear David

I have seen in the news that it is 50 years today since England won the World Cup.  Would it be too much bother for you to tell me how many times England have won it since then?

David Responds

Not too much bother no, it won't take long.


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Morning' replied Agatha as she sprinkled flour on her baps.

I looked around cautiously to make sure no one could overhear.  I leaned into the counter ... 'I err hear ... you sell knock off peach melbas ...  three for a £1 in the car park at the back of ASDAs.'

'Who told you that' hissed Agatha sharply

'Err no one.'

'Someone must have said something.'

'Well it was just something Mavis off of the checkout said.'

'I should have known it would be her. She's got a big mouth.  What did she say?'

'Nothing really, she just mentioned that of a weekend after the pensioners have been in for the leftover bread and butter puddings you take a tray of peach melbas round the back of ASDA car park and flog them off.'

'That Mavis is looking for a fat lip.'

'Is it true  or not.'

Agatha hesitated ... 'I might be able to do you a deal ...

Monday, 25 July 2016

Dear David - Antiques

Dear David

I watch a lot of antiques programmes but i don't always understand what the experts say.  can you tell me what they mean when they describe the antiques.

David responds

Ah yes there are a lot of these programmes aren't there.  Here are some of the phrases the experts use and what they really mean:

  • family piece - tat
  • of its time - tat
  • Arts and Crafts - tat
  • sentimental value - tat
  • metal weight value - tat
  • highly decorative - cheap and nasty
  • collectable - common
  • very collectable - very common
  • much sought after - not sought after
  • charming - small
  • interesting - boring
  • should retain its value - won't sell
  • lots of interest - one person glanced at it
  • antiques expert - done a few car boot sales
  • Victorian inspired - made last week
  • no great age to it - on sale in Collectables.

Saturday, 23 July 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Angela decided she didn't want a new job after all; 
  • Owen said he fancied having a new job; 
  • Jeremy said there wasn't any job; 
  • Sam got a new job; 
  • Pippa's paramour popped practically perfect proposal; 
  • the Queen had a party before going on her holidays; 
  • the Queen said "tickets, money passport ... tickets, money, passport"; 
  • the Queen said "passport! ... where's me passport"; 
  • Theresa got to answer some questions: 
  • Cheryl and Liam got a dog; 
  • Theresa went to Germany and France – she must have a rail saver ticket; and
  • George was three - it only seems a year since he was two; and 
  • Hilary got a new friend. 

Dear David - X Factor

Dear David

I have just seen an advert for X Factor on tv.  Does this mean we need to plan our Christmas night out now?


David Responds

Oh is it that time of year already.  Yes I suppose we should give it some thought, I know how busy your diary gets at that time of year.

Although thinking about it we are running out of places to go.  Last year The Blue Raccoon told you not to come back after you called that barman a little pipsqueak and you would spifflicate him if you got your hands on him because you said he had tried to stiff you off a 10p in your change but you had forgotten they had put the prices up the week before.

And you were frogmarched out of the Laughing Donkey after that incident with the hula hoop salesman and the vol-au-vent, so I don't think we can go back there.

You won't go to the Community Center in case Deidre Hardcastle is on the bar after you borrowed her best blue cardi and put a hole in it with your woodbine and have been avoiding her ever since.

I could try the Rainbow Rooms but they don't open until 8 o'clock and I know you have to be back in the home by 10 or they lock you out.

I'll have a think about it see if I can find anywhere we haven't been thrown out of.


Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'I was just wondering if, now we are leaving the EU will you still be doing foreign items'.

'We have been discussing that' replied Agatha 'and in future we won't be doing Strudels, Danishes or French Fancies.'

'What about Madeleines?  I like a Madeleine.'

'Yes we will still be doing Madeleines.'

'Madeleines are French.'

'No they are not.'

'They are.'

They aren't.'

'They are.'

They aren't.  Our Margaret's daughter is called Madelaine and she isn't French.'

'That's not how it works.  Anyway French Fancies aren't French they are English.'

'No they are not.'

'They are.'

They aren't ... they are called French.'

'That's not the point.  Mr Kippling invented them and he is English.'

Agatha didn't look happy.

I think Brexit could cause chaos behind the counter.  I wonder if Waitrose has a Patisserie.

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Dear David - Football Manager

Dear David

I have just got a new job as a football manager. I am very excited.  Do you have any advice for me?


David Responds

Oh how lovely for you. Which manager’s job is it ...

…let’s have a look see if it says in your letter …

… ah yes here it is …

… Oh … that job.

You might want to write your resignation letter now, it will save time later. I have a few old ones if you want to copy one out.

Saturday, 16 July 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa got a new job;
  • the Queen said 'eeh how many Prime Ministers is it now I've had?';
  • loads of other people lost their jobs;
  • Boris got a new job:
  • Boris is now known as "Who has? ... Boris Johnson! ... you are kidding me";
  • Angela said she was thinking about getting a new job;
  • Deidre down JobCenter Plus said she hadn't had a minute all week;
  • David whistled a tune;
  • David said 'Did you keep that leaflet that came through the door last week from Dels Local Removals'";
  • Michael went into Waterstones to see if they had a 3 for 2 on;
  • David and George went for a cup of coffee;
  • David said 'eeh this time last month we were in that big room looking at menus for the Christmas party'; 
  • Billie was disheveled; and
  • Mick is having a baby - well he isn't his lady friend is. 


Agatha was back at the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'I see you are back from holiday.'

'I'm back from holiday' replied Agatha

''You were off to Benidorm weren't you'.

'I was off to Benidorm'.

'You were in a hotel.'

'We were in a hotel'.

'You said you were doing all inclusive.'

'We went all inclusive.'

'Oh very nice' I said 'I bet it was a nice change not having to do all the cooking.'

'It was a nice change not having to do all the cooking.'

'You have got a bit of a tan as well.'

'I got a bit of a tan out there.'

I pointed towards the the bakery counter 'I'll just have my usual.'

'You will be wanting your usual.' she replied

'A large multi-seeded and two peach melbas.'

'I'll get your large multi-seeded and two peach melbas.'

I don't know what is the matter with her this morning I think she is on a time delay.  She must be still on European time.

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Dear David - Gove

Dear david

Should Michael Gove quit the Tory leadership race?

David responds

Ah ... yes ... well ... no I don't think he can.

He hates Theresa May with a passion and she hates him right back double, and he isn't over fond of the other one, (Andrea something, the one that is like a strict teacher and wags her finger at you if you don't agree with her).  So I think he is stuck with trying to get second place.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Dear David - Holidays

Dear David

Can I suggest that you both don't wear your white jeans at the same time on your continental holiday.

David Responds

Do I look like Barry Gibb?

As it happens I have been reading through a few David Niven biographies to get the latest styles for holiday wear.

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • England football players thought it was time to come back to England;
  • David packed his job in; and 
  • Roy packed his job in as well;
  • George was going to pack his job in but David said they both couldn't in the same week; while
  • Jeremy said he wasn't going to pack his job in; although
  • lots of his friends packed their jobs in;
  • Boris said 'What does it mean "I'll have to tell the truth about things";
  • Boris said 'What does it mean "It will all come out if you continue?";
  • Boris said he wasn't going to go for a new job;
  • Deidre down JobCenter Plus said she had been dead busy this week;
  • the Queen went to the Giant's Causeway;
  • the Queen went to Scotland;
  • the Queen must have a pensioner's travel pass; and 
  • some people played tennis.


At the Patisserie …

Agatha normally has my peach melbas boxed and ready to go … this morning there was no sign of my peach melbas on the counter ...

‘Have you not got any peach melbas this morning?’

‘Have I not got any?’ queried Agatha

‘Well no, I mean do you have any. It’s just you normally have them out for me.’

‘I wasn’t sure this morning … if you would want one or two … whether you were speaking to the vicar again.’

‘Ah, yes well there has been a bit of a rapprochement on that front.’

‘There has been a what?’

‘We are speaking .. well sort of.  As long as I don’t mention that mystery woman in a big hat that he was seen coming out of the Odeon with he is ok.’

‘Oh right’ said Agatha looking a little flustered as she busied herself getting my peach melbas.

‘Apparently ... ’I continued looking around and lowering my voice ‘she had a cape on.'

Agatha gave a startled expression ‘She had a chicken with her?’

‘Chicken? Ah no not a capon … a cape on.’

You said capon twice.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘You did.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘You did. You said ... not a capon a capon.’

‘There was a pause between ‘cape' and 'on.’

‘I didn’t hear no pause’.

‘Look I haven’t got time to bandy words with you this morning, I’ll just take my melbas.' and with that I was off.

Agatha is on holiday next week.

Friday, 1 July 2016

Dear David - Boris

Dear David

Do you fancy going halves on a card for Boris - it might cheer him up.  We could invite him to the Laughing Donkey on Saturday as part of our bash?

David Responds

It is very nice of you to think of others at this chaotic time, but I'm a bit skint and I don't think I could stretch to a card at the minute ... some of those cards can be a bit pricey.

As for inviting Boris to the Laughing Donkey, I am not sure this is such a good idea he will be a right misery.

I asked him if he wanted to go to Michael Gove's 'Surprise! Eeh you're going to run for Prime Minister party' and you should have seen the look he gave me.