Thursday, 30 June 2016

Dear David - MPs

Dear David

What is the difference between Labour MPs and Tory MPs?

David Responds

Labour MPs stab their enemies in the back, Tory MPs stab their enemies in the front.

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Dear David - Resignations

Dear David

I am the leader of a major political party and I have had loads of my team resign over the weekend.  I am that fed up.  Can you help?

anon

David Responds

Oh that is a shame isn't it.

Well I could give you a few hours a week if that would help.  Pop a few papers over and I will give them a once over.

... oh wait a minute ... I couldn't do of a Tuesday as of a Tuesday is my library day ... or a Saturday morning as I am a bit busy with shopping, but any other time, just let me know.

Monday, 27 June 2016

Dear David - EU Cucumbers

Dear David

Sorry for all my questions but I'm in all of a tiz about the serious implications Brexit is going to have on us and it got me thinking. Will we now get wonky cucumbers in the supermarkets?

David Responds

Oh I hope not.  I like them straight so I can file them evenly in the fridge next to my courgettes.  If they go back to being bendy I will have to put them next to my bananas, and that doesn't seem right.

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Dear David - Scotland and the EU

Dear David

I know your very busy of a Saturday but after the Brexit vote I'm thinking of emigrating to Bonny Scotland.  Will I need a passport or will a visa be sufficient?

David Responds

Oh yes I've had a lot of people saying that, you might want to try Aughtiemuchtie, I hear it's very nice. 

As for a passport, if that Nicola has her way you will definitely need one so make sure yours is up to date.

Navigating the local language can be tricky up there so I am sending you a copy of last year's Oor Wullie to give you a start.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Brad went to Le Mans for 24 hours - that wasn't long; 
  • the Queen won the three o'clock at Ascot; 
  • the Queen's pension goes straight to the bookies as soon as she gets it; 
  • Rory said he wasn’t going to Rio; 
  • some politicians told up how to vote; 
  • some politicians have never been off of the news for months – let’s hope they shut their traps for a few months now;
  • editors note ... this article was written before Friday's result, so scrub that last entry; 
  • David decided to pack it in;
  • David suddenly realised he didn't have to have cheap summer holidays abroad anymore; 
  • Boris could hardly keep the smile off his face when he said he would miss his dear friend;
  • Michael thought 'ooh I'll get a new good job';
  • Boris said 'Michael who?'; and
  • Boris said 'What do you mean what happens next?" 

Dear David - Passports

Dear David

Do you think we could have a funky new passport cover? I never liked my black one - I was thinking something glittery - could you arrange please?

C

David Responds

Oh I quite liked the old black one.

I am not sure about a glittery one though.  I had some glittery Christmas paper a couple of years ago and I am still hoovering up the glitter.

Glittery passports would make a right mess at Leeds Bradford, after a couple of years you wouldn't be able to get through the doors.

No I think the old black ones will be fine.

Sainsbury's

... at the Patisserie ...

'Just the one peach Melba?' queried Agatha as she paused forgetting the growing queue.

'Err yes, I'll just be needing the one this week.'

'I thought you got two because the vicar came around of a Saturday afternoon.'

'Err well yes normally, but not this week.  We've had a bit of a falling out'

'Oh' said Agatha suddenly interested as she put her tongs down and stepped closer to the counter 'What's happened?'

'Well nothing really ... we were having a chat over your flame grilled multi-seeded and I causally mentioned the verger had said he had seen the vicar coming out of the Odeon with a mystery woman. And I said 'oh I said to the verger I didn't think that was right, I said it was probably the choir master.'

And the vicar said that that was wicked and he was dead furious. And he said if he wanted to go to the Odeon with a companion he could and he didn't expect it to be all over the town.  And I said I was only saying what the verger said.  And the vicar stormed off and I haven't heard from him since.

Agatha looked behind her and leaned in closer to the counter, lowering her voice 'so ... eerr who was the mystery woman then ... did the verger get a good look at her?'

'No' I replied 'he just said she was tall and was wearing a big hat.'

'Oh I see' responded Agatha and with that she wrapped up my items and I was gone.

Friday, 24 June 2016

Nicky Morgan

Nicky Morgan was interviewed this afternoon following the resignation of the Prime Minister.  There was some discussion on the replacement and she said she would be taking the weekend to think about it and to sound out colleagues and constituents.

So while the rest of us are wondering what is going to happen to the country Nicky is already trying to work out what personal advancement she can get out of it

Dear David - Referendum Result

Dear David

There are so many questions this morning but nobody is asking the most important one - will we still be able to enter the Eurovision song contest?

David Responds

To be honest that wasn’t the first thing I thought about after seeing the news this morning, but now I think about it I don’t recall anyone mentioning it during the campaign. 

I think the best we can hope is that it is covered by Article 50 and we will have to stop going.

Thursday, 23 June 2016

Dear David - Referendum .. the last call

Dear David

I voted first thing this morning but I think I ticked the wrong box - I went back to ask them if I could have my vote back to check but the tall miserable one at the library that you are always on about told me to " go and do one" - do yo think you could pull some strings please?

C

David Responds

Oh dear what a shame.  I know the one you mean at the library, he is dead miserable he once tutted at me because I was a day late returning my cassette of the Gypsy Kings 'Down Mexico Way'.  He said there was a queue of people waiting for it and he made me stump up the 10p fine.  

What was your question again .. oh yes about your wrong vote, why don't you wait for the result and if there is only one vote in it write a strongly worded letter to the council.

Pointless

Question on Pointless ... name the famous 'William' author of Hamlet.

Answer: William Tell.

Bear this in mind when you are wondering about the referendum result.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Dear David - Debate

Dear David

Isn't this great debate on BBC a dead sexy production?

David Responds

They have spent a bit of money on it haven't they ... although I am sure I've seen that backdrop on the Antiques roadshow and those podiums have been on Pointless for the last six years.

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen went to the races - she is never away from the races, must cost her a fortune;
  • the Queen looked at the racegoers and said 'they aren't going to start singing again are they?'
  • Bob went for a sail on the Themes;
  • Bob bought a new loud hailer;
  • Bob put Farage under a barrage;
  • some footballers played football again;
  • Taylor and tom were in Rhode Island;
  • Rick got a number one album;
  • some people were in the Big Brother house - it is difficult to work out if it is a Celebrity series or not; and
  • I think someone left the Big Brother house;
  • William got wrong off of his nan; 
  • Justin fell through a trap door;
  • Justin said 'what idiot left that open?' and 
  • Tim said he thought it was time he popped back to earth.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Have you got any of that flame grilled multi-seeded you sold me last week?’

‘Flame grilled? We don’t do … oh err yes … no sorry we don’t do it any more, we got the thermostat mended .. I mean we stopped doing it.’

‘Oh that’s a pity, it was quite nice. Although the vicar said it tasted of charcoal. He said his cheese and lettuce I made for him tasted of charcoal. He said had I changed my chutney.’ He said Deidre that does the teas of a Tuesday does a nice cheese and lettuce … and he said she makes her own chutney ...’

Agatha interrupted ‘Can I help you?’

‘And I said well Deidre that does the teas of a Tuesday must have more time on her hands as I haven’t got time to make my own chutney.’

Agatha interrupted ‘Can I get you anything?

‘And I said who does that these days anyway … you can get just as good chutney from the shops …

Agatha interrupted ‘Do you want anything? I've got a queue forming.'

‘And the vicar said he was only saying …

‘Look do you want anything’ snapped Agatha ‘this is like listening to an episode of The Archers …

I thought that was a bit sharp ‘Oh' I said taken aback 'I’ll have a multi-seeded and one peach melba.’

She was in a bit of a mood this morning. I wonder what was wrong.

Monday, 13 June 2016

Dear David - Euro 2016

Dear David

I've been thinking about this EU immigration problem - if we stop the English football hooligans coming back we would have more room for immigrants who contribute to our society - please arrange.

David Responds

I am not sure I will have time to arrange anything - the way it is going they will all be back before the end of the week.

Saturday, 11 June 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen went to the races - she is never away from the racetrack; 
  • Novak won a tennis match;
  • some football players went to France;
  • Mike had a day out in the Houses of Parliament;
  • Philip got a 21 gun salute for his 95th birthday;
  • the Queen said perhaps a surprise 21 gun salute while Philip was drying the dishes hadn't been such a good idea;
  • the Queen went to St Paul's cathedral for a 90th birthday service;
  • the Queen told Philip he had to go as well;
  • Philip said he thought as it was his birthday he would give the service a miss and stay in for Homes under the hammer;
  • the Queen said she didn't care if it was his 95th birthday and Homes under the hammer was on, he was going to the service;
  • the Queen said she didn't know why Philip wanted to watch Homes under the hammer anyway;
  • the Queen was late for a service at St Paul's cathedral;
  • the Archbishop of Canterbury said he wished the Queen would get a move on as he had a wedding at half past; and 
  • Rod got a sirknighthoodship.

Sainsbury's

From last week … Agatha had disappeared into a smoke engulfed kitchen …

... I stood at the Patisserie counter waiting. Eventually the door opened and Agatha re-emerged carrying a loaf.  She walked to the counter quickly passing the loaf from hand to hand making 'oo' ow' 'oo' 'oo' 'ow' noises

‘Here you are’ she said as she placed the loaf on the counter.

‘What’s that?’

Agatha looked at the loaf and then at me and said ‘It’s your multi-seeded sliced.’

‘It’s all black on the top.'

'It's just a little singed.'

‘It’s black as night’

‘Err … it’s our new range … said Agatha as she brushed a few crumbs from the top of the loaf ... it’s err flame grilled multi-seeded.’

‘There’s no such thing.’

‘There is,’

‘There isn’t.’

‘There is,’

‘There isn’t.’

'There is ... Waitrose have started doing them.'

'Have they?' I was a bit doubtful.

Agatha could sense my hesitation.  'As it's you I'll take 10p off the price.'

'Oh well go on then, I'll take it.'

I like a bit of a bargain.

Friday, 10 June 2016

Euro 2016

As Euro 2016 begins, some wise words from a footballing expert ...

... "It is important you don't get beat".

Indeed it is, if only someone had told us that years ago.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Dear David - EU Referendum

Dear David

If we leave the EU how much extra money will we have to spend on the NHS.

David Responds

With so many words flying around on this subject I was trying to keep out of it, but since you ask ...

... at the start of the campaign the exiters said there would be £350 million a week to spend on the NHS.  A couple of weeks later this had gone down to £100 million a week.

At the weekend Boris said ... he was sure there would be 'something left for such things.'

So we haven't even voted and already the promises are being rolled back - Boris couldn't even say the words.

If you think Boris, Gove or Duncan Smith would spend a penny on the NHS you are deluding yourself.

Monday, 6 June 2016

Dear David - Euro 2016

Dear David

How long are the UEFA Euro 2016 championships on for?

David Responds

Until England have played three games.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Dear David - Grass

Dear David

I'm watching the ladies final of the French open and its got me thinking - how do they get their grass a pinky red colour?

David Responds

Is it?  I've never noticed ... let's have a look ... 

... now where is my  Radio Times to see what side it's on ... 

...ah yes let's see ... I'll just pop the telly on ... 

... let's have a look ... well it seems the same to me ... 

... oh no wait a minute mine's black and white ... I'll have to nip up to the High street and have a look in Radio rentals window, see if they have it on.

This might take a while I will get back to you.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • A magic Ian won Britain's Got Talent - sorry that should be a magician; 
  • Lionel said he didn't really look after his money, he paid someone to do it; 
  • the Queen got a new £5 note; 
  • Gordon hurt his foot; 
  • Calvin chucked Taylor; 
  • Harry didn’t wear a tie; 
  • David got cross on TV – it’s his own fault he started all this;
  • three people in FIFA got £55 million pay rise - isn't that a lot of money;
  • Matt was on the telly - he hasn't been on for ages;
  • Hugh wore some rotten shorts;
  • Arnold rode a bicycle;
  • Michael got a new orange pan stick; and 
  • Jamie might move from Leicester.

Sainsbury's

There was no one on the Patisserie this morning….

As I approached the counter I heard a shriek from beyond the kitchen door … and then running footsteps …

The kitchen door flew open and Agatha emerged engulfed in billowing smoke. She quickly slammed the door shut and pressed her back up against the door it to keep it in place …
‘What’s going on?’ I asked

‘Err nothing … just coming out of the kitchen.’

‘It didn’t look like nothing, there was billowing smoke.’

‘What’s “billowing”?

‘It is sort of clouds of stuff … like voluminous clouds.’

‘There was no billowing.’

‘It looked like billowing from here.’

‘Well never mind that’ said Agatha changing the subject ‘What can I get you?’

‘Can I have my usual multi-seeded sliced.’

‘Oh … you want bread.’ Agatha looked furtively towards the kitchen. ‘We have some bread rolls out on the shelves.’

‘No thank you, I want my loaf.’

‘You would. OK err hang on a minute.’ Agatha opened the kitchen door and disappeared inside, quickly slamming the door shut behind her …

To be continued …

Friday, 3 June 2016

Dear David - EU Referendum

Dear David

At the start of the EU referendum campaign Teresa May was right at the front of the discussion, but I haven’t seen hide nor hair of her since. Do you know where she is?

David Responds

Oh yes that’s right, now you mention it I haven’t seen her for ages. I’ll have an ask on the high street see if anyone has seen her round the shops.