Saturday, 28 May 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ant got a beard;
  • Louis got £250 million;
  • Louis got a new cup;
  • Louis got the sack;
  • Harry had a haircut;
  • Harry made a film;
  • William and Kate saw some flowers;
  • Beatrice and Eugenie went to a garden party;
  • Daisy and Thomas split up - no I have no idea who they are either;
  • Jose got a new job - think he is more of a Manchester than of a Chelsea;
  • the Queen is going to have a street party in the Mall for her birthday;
  • the Queen wondered if she could get away with re-using the bunting she got in for her 80th; 
  • Beyonce flaunted her curves at a concert - Beyonce does a lot of flaunting; and
  • Fifth Harmony couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.

Sainsbury's

I didn’t make it to the Patisserie before I saw Agatha this morning …

I had just got past dairy, cheese and meats when there she was on an aisle end.

‘Oh hello’ I said ‘What you doing out on the shop floor. They normally keep you behind the counter, out of harm’s way … I mean for hygiene reasons when serving food.’

‘They have given me a gondola to give out samples. Would you like a sample?’

‘Oh that sounds exciting. I like to try something new, what’s your samples?’

‘We have sample doughnuts.’

‘I don’t like doughnuts. They are all sugary and the make a mess.’

‘We have sample ├ęclairs.’

‘I don’t like ├ęclairs. The pastry is creepy.’

‘Meringues? ‘

‘I don’t like the way that meringue stuff crumbles. It's all dusty and makes a mess.’

‘I figured … what about a sample apple slice?’

‘I think apple slices are more of an autumn than of a spring.’

‘eerr let's see what else have we have … sample flapjacks?’

‘I think they are a bit modern for me.'

'That's all we have' confirmed Agatha

I was a bit disappointed as I like to try different things,

Thursday, 26 May 2016

Dear David - Facebook

Dear David

I've received a friend request on Facebook but I don't like the person - what is the etiquette in this situation?

I am likely to bump into them at some point - if they mention why I haven't accepted should I just be honest and tell them that I don't like them?

David Responds

Oh this is a tricky one isn't it.

It is odd that you don't like someone but they like you.  You must be one of those lovable, cuddly sort of people that everyone likes and is drawn to.

Oh hang on, I think I recognise the handwriting ... it's the green ink ... let me check the post mark ... oh yes it is you ... scrub that, you must owe them money.

Don't accept the request and give them a swerve if you see them in the street.

Monday, 23 May 2016

Dear David - EU Referendum

Dear David

I have been thinking about how to vote in the referendum and someone called Boris has been saying a lot.  He seems trustworthy and honest.  What do you think?

David Responds

You don't say which Boris you mean, do you mean the one that is a proven adulterer and has been sacked twice for lying, is that the one?

Saturday, 21 May 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen was 90 again;
  • the Queen made a speech; while
  • Jeremy couldn't be fussed on talking to David;
  • the Queen got an unexpected visitor;
  • the Queen said 'I've been dead busy recently';
  • Adele got an Novello;
  • Ryan and Russell went to see Nice Guys;
  • some people were wearing dresses at Cannes again - doesn't it go on a long time;
  • Richard is having problems selling his house - if only it had been a bit nearer the shops I might have been interested;
  • Justin wore a green shirt; and
  • Cheryl wore some glasses: 
  • Sam bought a coffee - it is exhausting being a celebrity.

Dear David - Dogs

Dear David

I have seen contactless dogs in the news, i think I might get one.  what do you think?

David Responds

What on earth is a contactless dog ... let's have a look on this Googlenet thing ...

... there might be something on there ...

... what do you press again ... oh yes this ...

...oh what has happened ... my screen has gone blank ... oh no it's ok ...

... there is something happening .. let's see ...

...oh yes contactless dogs, what a good idea, I might get one too.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said'

'Morning.  How were your cakes last week? responded Agatha  'They weren't electric were they?' Agatha tittered

'What!'

'What? What.'

'You tittered.'

'I didn't'

'You did.'

'I've never tittered in my life'

'You just did.'

'I didn't'

'You did.'

'I wouldn't know how to titter.'

'Well don't.'

'I didn't'

'Are you going to be sensible?'

'Yes'

'No tittering?'

'I promise.'

'If you can't serve me without tittering I want your Margaret to serve me'.

'I won't, I promise.'

'Alright ... have you got a pair of large bloomers?'

Agatha ran out the back shouting for 'Margaret come and serve this customer.'

I wonder what was wrong with her.

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Anne saw some glass;
  • some people are returning to X Factor;
  • Sheridan took some time off because she was exhausted;
  • Sheridan was as exhausted as a newt;
  • David was 90;
  • the Queen had a Chinese;
  • some people were in Cannes;
  • Julia didn't wear any shoes in Cannes because she said her plates were killing her;
  • Robbie hasn't been able to sell his £9 million house;
  • the Queen got a £70 Tesco voucher for winning a horse race; 
  • The Queen wondered if Tesco had a Patisserie;
  • The Queen asked what ‘No cash alternatives’ meant;
  • Lady Gaga is going to play Cilla – naturally, she was the first person I thought of to play her; 
  • Nicole isn’t doing Cats anymore; and
  • Andrew is furious about it. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘How can I help you?’ she greeted

‘I ordered my peach melbas online last week.’

‘Oh yes, I remember.’

‘Well they didn’t taste the same.’

‘What?’

‘My peach melbas, they don’t taste the same when you order them online.’

‘Of course they do.’

‘They don’t.’

‘They do.’

‘They don’t.’

‘They do.’

‘They don’t.’

Agatha leaned over the counter menacingly ‘Look they do.’

‘They don’t. They had a sort of electric taste about them. The vicar said he could definitely taste electricity in them.’

‘Rubbish.’

‘It’s not. Anyway I will just take my peach melbas with me this week.’ Agatha went out to the back to get my cakes…

… ‘and I don’t want any electric ones’ I shouted after her.

You have to watch them like a hawk in this shop.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Spelling SATs

A bit of embarrassment for the education secretary when the answers to today's SATs for spelling were published on line.

It might not be an issue as the data file was password protected.

The password is Onomatopoeia.

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen banned drones from Sandringham;
  • the Queen said 'What's a drone?';
  • some people wore metal clothes to a ball - what a funny thing to do;
  • the Queen said 'Well done Leicester city';
  • the Queen said 'Where's Leicester .. is it one of mine?'; 
  • Britney got a Billboard Millennium award - whatever one of those is .. I am sure it is very nice;
  • Harry went to Florida; and 
  • George got a hamster;
  • Beyonce sold some new tunes;
  • some people won elections and 
  • London got a new mayor; 
  • London's new mayor said he wasn't getting a cat - I thought the London Mayor had to have a cat; and
  • someone won MasterChef.

Dear David - Premier League

Dear David has an urgent message for the engraver of the Premier league trophy ...

... I before E except after C

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted

‘Oh it’s you’ she responded

‘I’d like to arrange an online delivery.’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘I’d like my online delivery every week.’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘Just my Patisserie items ...’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘Because they get crushed ...’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘That woman on the checkout is dead rough with my items.’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘Last week she sent my family Pavlova hurtling down the convey belt ...’

‘You have to do it online.’

... and it collided with my Italian hand picked grapes ...'

‘You have to do it online.’

'... and they were all crushed ...'

‘You have to do it online.’

‘So I’d like to order my items online in future.’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘Oh ... you should have said. I’ll have to go home now and do it’

I don’t think this online ordering is very convenient.

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Dear David - Mollie Sugden

Dear David

I have seen a pop art print of Mollie Sugden I like the look of, but it is dead expensive. Have you any ideas on how I can add to my art collection without it costing me a fortune?

David Responds

Ah yes I did see that – it is a sort of an Andy Worhol like the Marilyn painting.

I am not sure I can help as these things can be a bit pricey – I could knock you up a Una Stubbs version using half a potato and an old pastry cutter if you like.  Let me know.