Saturday, 30 April 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Rita wore the same dress as Beyonce - well not the same dress, just the same dress; 
  • David made a commercial; 
  • Matt went to a pub in Hertfordshire; 
  • Kylie won't be going on tour with Jason; 
  • Victoria said she felt uncomfortable when she sang – makes two of us;
  • the Queen made a video;
  • Chris might be crocodile Dundee; and 
  • Mitchell and Webb might make a new programme;
  • James did This Morning - he isn't going to force everyone to make omelettes is he?'
  • Uma had a tab with a male companion - you read it here first; and
  • Melanie went out for dinner with Robert 
  • Ant got a beard - or had a lie in - I 'm not sure which;
  • Barak went to see David; and
  • Barak enjoyed causing a bit of mischief. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted

Agatha re-arranged her baps as she stood at the counter ‘I’m sorry’ she said ‘I don’t have any Brand Match deals this week.’

‘I’m just as pleased’ I replied ‘as to be honest I can’t afford them.’

‘Do you want some macaroons again this week?’

‘Not really.   They are just the same as those coconut haystacks you sold me a few weeks ago.’

‘No they aren’t, they are different.’

‘No they aren’t.’

‘They are.’

‘No they aren’t.’

‘They aren’t what?’

‘err not different.’

‘They aren’t not different?’

‘That’s what I said.’

Sometimes I struggle to get any sense out of that woman.

Thursday, 28 April 2016

Dear David - Delays

Dear David

You don’t seem to have answered any of my letter recently. What is going on?

David Responds

Sorry I’ve been that busy recently, what with all the questions I get on the EU thing and the Olympic games coming up.

And that interview with the Queen took up loads of time.  She has never been off of the phone since she noticed her Royal Doulton shepherdess figurine went missing. I told her I had no idea how it got in my briefcase ... I told her … I remember it being on that coffee table next to my chair because I remembered thinking at the time it was too big next to that table lamp and it didn’t really go ... and it was an accident waiting to happen .. and I remember her putting plate of gypsy creams next to my coffee cup and thinking ‘there’s not much room left on this table’.

The next thing I knew was I had a Royal Doulton shepherdess figurine in my briefcase and I had no idea where it came from and it isn’t really my taste so I took it to the tab man with one leg called Albert to see if he would take it off my hands and he said he thought he knew someone who might like it and to leave it with him.

Next thing I know the Queen is on the phone saying all sorts … and ... oh err where was I .. oh yes your letters, sorry like I say I’ve been a bit busy … but if I remember rightly your letters are a bit smutty and I used to pass them on to Denise, but I can’t now … bless her .. I’ll ask Anna Raeburn see if she has got much on and see if she can pop a reply in the post.

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Dear David - the Queen 90 ... again

Dear David

Ever since you interviewed me last week for my 90th birthday I can't find that Royal Doulton shepherdess figurine our mam left me.  It was on the side table next to where you were sitting.  I don't suppose it accidentally fell in your briefcase after our meeting did it?

HMQ

David Responds

Eerr no, I don't think so.  I'll have a check and let you know.

Saturday, 23 April 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Richard and Judy had lunch;
  • Judy had a couple of glasses of wine with her lunch;
  • Judy fell asleep while Richard was talking - I think we have all done that;
  • Steve packed in snooker;
  • William and Harry went to Star Wars;
  • Cheryl is going to go by her first name only in future - it would probably be easier and save having to have her towels redone every time she gets married;
  • the Queen was 90;
  • the Queen showed some of her home movies on TV;
  • Barak came to see the Queen on her birthday;
  • Barak said 'I'm sorry I didn't get you anything';
  • Kate wore a red and blue dress -or as the Daily Mail described it 'jewel toned'; and 
  • Shapespeare was still dead after 400 years.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …
 
‘Morning dear’ I said
 
‘I’ve got some more Brand Matches this week’ enthused Agatha 'I’ve got deals that are £3 cheaper here than in ASDA’
 
‘Actually I was thinking about that’ I replied ‘I am not sure I can afford things which are cheaper here than ASDA.  I was wondering if you had anything that was more expensive in Sainsbury’s than it is in ASDA’
 
‘More expensive?’
 
‘Yes’
 
‘Err … I’m not sure …’ Agatha had a look around the shelves.  ‘We have these macaroons, they are the same price as ASDA but I can add a £1 onto our normal price if you like.'
 
‘Oh that’s good.  I’ll have a couple’
 

You have to keep your wits about you to get a bargain these days.

Friday, 22 April 2016

Celebrity Week - Royal Special

A Celebrity Week royal special
  • The Queen was 90;
  • Camilla said ‘It’s your mams birthday of a Thursday, what are we going to get her?’
  • Charles said ‘She said she didn’t want any fuss and not to get her anything;
  • Camilla said ‘eeh we cannot not get her anything’;
  • Charles queried ‘We can’t not get her anything?’
  • Camilla said ‘That’s what I said’;
  • Camilla said ‘What about a new pair of shoes. I noticed last week that she had her cream court shoes right down to the heel;
  • Charles said ‘She said she didn’t want a fuss and not to get her anything;
  • Camilla said ‘What’s your Anne getting her?’
  • Charles said ‘He didn’t know what their Anne was doing;
  • Camilla said ‘She will be getting her a scarf, she always gest her a scarf.  I don’t know how many scarves your Anne thinks a 90 year old needs;
  • Charles said ‘Our Anne says you can never have too many scarves, especially if your up at 6 in the morning feeding horses;
  • Camilla said’ eeeh we can’t get her a scarf for her 90th … not a scarf … not for her 90th;
  • Charles said ‘Well what do you want to get her?’
  • Camilla said she didn’t know, that was what she asked Charles in the first place and this just shows he never listens to a word she says, and she said she didn’t know why she was bothering as she isn’t her mam and when it was her mam’s birthday last year he wasn’t interested. 

Thursday, 21 April 2016

The Queen 90 ... again

The second part of an exclusive interview given to Dear David with Her Majesty the Queen to mark her 90th birthday ...

‘Can I ask you about which TV programmes you watch?’

‘OK … go on then.’

‘Do you watch EastEnders?’

‘No’

‘Do you watch Emmerdale?’

‘No’

‘Do you watch Coronation Street?’

‘Yes. But I only like the old characters I can’t get away with the younger ones’

‘Do you watch Antiques Roadshow?’

‘Oh yes I like that one.  Me and Philip play this game where if we see something we have we shout ‘Got that!  We then try and remember which house we have it in.  I remember there was this one time when  there was this pair of silver sugar tongs on the Roadshow in … now where was it … Clackton-on-seas it was … or was it Margate ... I don’t remember … anyway Philip shouted ‘Got that!’ and it is in Sandringham.  But I said it wasn’t in Sandringham it was in Windsor, I knew as we had just used it the week before when we had the Sultan of Brunei round.  Eeh how we laughed.’ The Queen laughed at the memory and puller her cardi round her shoulders.

‘Do you watch other antiques shows?’

‘No, just that one.’

Do you watch … Homes under the Hammer?’

‘No’

‘Do you watch Tipping Point?’

‘No’
‘Do you watch The Royal Family lol?’’

‘I watched it once, I didn’t understand it.’

‘Do you watch MasterChef?’

‘No. I think the presenter is a bit rough’

‘Do you watch Bake off?’

‘Oh yes I like that one, with that nice Mary Berry on it.

‘Do you ever make any of the recipes?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well the cake recipes, do you ever make any of the cakes?’

‘Sorry, I’m still not with you.’

‘Never mind.  Do you watch … ’

‘Look are you going to go through the whole of the Radio Times, I’ve got things to do I can’t sit here all day talking about television programmes.’

‘I’ve only asked you a couple.’

‘You haven’t you have asked loads.’

‘I haven’t.’

‘You have.’

‘I haven’t.’

‘You have.’

‘I haven’t.’

‘You have. Stop arguing’

‘I’m not arguing.’

‘You are.’

‘I’m not.’


‘You are and anyway Countdown is on in five minutes so I have to go.’ With that the Queen got up and left.

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

The Queen - 90

Dear David has been given an exclusive interview with Her Majesty the Queen to mark her 90th birthday.

I was shown into a small room in Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen.

I waved when she looked up from her desk.

'Oh it is you again' said Her Majesty 'I thought I told you not to come back.'

'Don't be like that. I came to say happy birthday.'

'Oh, err yes ... ok well thank you, that is very kind.'

'I thought we could talk about some of the great events of your life.'

'Alright, but don't ask me any of your daft questions.'

I began the interview ... 'Should we start with the coronation in 1953.'

'Ok.'

'It must have been fantastic. Sort of like a Kennedy moment - everyone knows where they were when it happened.'

'I suppose so, yes.'

'Can you remember where you were when the coronation happened?'

'Well of course.'

'I suppose you had a seat at the front.'

'Yes fairly near the front' replied the Queen rolling her eyes. 

‘I read somewhere you like horses’

The Queen leant forward keenly ‘Oh yes I like horses. Do you want to ask me some questions about horses?’

‘Go on then.  Have you got a black horse’

The queen slumped back in her chair. ‘Yes I have a black horse.’

‘Have you got a white horse?’

‘Yes’

‘Have you got a brown horse?’

‘Look I’ve got lots of horses and they are all different colours.’

‘There is no need to snap.’

‘I’m sorry. But I don’t know why you want to know what colour the horses are.’

‘I just want to know if brown horses run faster than black horses.’

‘What! No the colour doesn’t make a difference in how fast they run.’

‘Are you sure, my friend has a red car and he says it goes faster than black cars.’

‘The horse colour doesn't make a difference.’

‘He says it does.’

‘It doesn’t.’

‘He says it does’

‘It doesn’t.’

‘You are quite argumentative aren’t you?’ 

‘I’m not’

‘You are.’

‘I’m not’

‘You are.’

‘Have you finished?  Anyway I have another meeting and I have to get changed.'  With that the Queen got up and left.

 Isn't she marvellous.

Monday, 18 April 2016

Ian Botham

Ian Botham has waded into the EU referendum debate with an interview and a timely reminder that 'England is an island'.

Thanks for that Ian, very helpful ... although I suppose technically I have to disagree with you ... England isn't an island.

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • A brown horse won the National; 
  • Danny won a game of golf;
  • William and Kate were in India;
  • Chris and Matt don't get on so well these days;
  • the Pope wore a fireman's helmet - what a funny thing to do;
  • Butlin's was 80;
  • William and Kate went to Bhutan; and
  • then climbed up a mountain;
  • Alan said he didn't fancy fish and chips again; and
  • Prince wasn't very well either;
  • the Pope went to Greece; 
  • Tess and Vernon have had better holidays; and 
  • William and Kate sat on a bench - or maybe they didn't, I can't see properly from here.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning’ I said and gave Agatha my order. ‘‘You know last week …’ I began while she got my things ‘… when you told me about the Brand Match with ASDA. Now that it is ending, if my items are cheaper here than in ASDA do I have to give you the difference?’

‘Ha ha no of course n… Agatha paused ‘Ah yes actually you do. We have a little box for the money.’ Agatha reached below the counter and retrieved a small cardboard box. She blew some dust off the lid and placed it on the counter.

I paid Agatha for my items and she told me it was £2 cheaper than ASDA.

‘Ok’ I said adding an extra £2 from my pocket.

I think I got a bargain there.

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Dear David - Taxing ... again

Dear David

I have seen politicians publishing their tax details and I work in a public service organisation, so I was wondering if I should publish details of my Nectar points?

David Responds

Oh that is a point, I hadn't thought about that. 

I have a draw full of Green Shield stamps I have been saving for a new toaster, I wonder if I have to declare them.

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Dear David - EU Exit

Dear David

I am disappointed that I didn't get chosen to lead the Leave EU campaign.  I am dead fed up can you help?

David Responds

Oh I am sorry you didn't win, but I think I did advise you at the time you submitted your application that your slogan 'Would you mind awfully if we left?' wasn't really very punchy.

Why don't I send you my free leaflet 'What to do when you lose a bid to lead a national campaign.

Monday, 11 April 2016

Dear David - Taxing

Dear David

I've had a very taxing week, I don't think I will benefit from it.  Should I declare it?

DC

David Responds

I am not sure if DC are your initials or where you are writing from, but I understand .. a taxing week can be very tiring.  But I don't think that is the kind of taxing that needs to be declared.

Why not go and watch some poor people queuing up at HMRC offices to pay their taxes, that should cheer you up. 

Saturday, 9 April 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ant and Dec had a problem of some sort or other on the telly; 
  • Vladimir has got loads of money abroad; 
  • Paloma said she might quit The voice - we can only hope; 
  • Cheryl packed in the X Factor; 
  • Amanda did Lorraine – when I say did Lorraine I mean she did her TV programme;
  • Amanda had her new face on;
  • Colleen wore an orange dress;
  • George's house is finished; 
  • Tom is moving to East Grinstead; while
  • Cheryl moved in with Liam - eeh no!;
  • some horses were getting ready to run round a field; 
  • Justin got a new dad; and
  • some people were going to try and have talent in Britain.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear' I said I’ll have my usual.'  Agatha started putting my items in a box. ‘Oh just so you know’ she said ‘we are stopping the Brand Match in a few weeks.’

‘Oh no’ I said ‘I rely on that discount to take a £1 off of my peach melbas. I can’t afford them otherwise. They are a bit pricey’.

‘I’m sorry we are stopping it at the end of the month.’

‘But why? You use the scheme to confirm you are cheaper than ASDA. Does that mean you are going to be more expensive than them now?’

‘Oh no we will still be cheaper’

‘So …' I thought about it for a few moments ... 'That means if you are cheaper than ASDA on any items you are going to keep the difference now instead of giving it to me?’

‘eerr, I’m not sure I would put it like that.’

'How would you put it?'

'Err not sure.' Was there anything else?' asked Agatha quickly changing the subject.

'I'll just have the one peach melba, I'm not sure I  can afford two.  Maybe I can cut it in half.'

Friday, 8 April 2016

Dear David - Sam the Dog

Dear David

I am writing for my friends in infant class at school. We did a science weather experiment where we sent our cuddly class mascot Sam the dog 12 miles into space. Now we can’t find him and everyone is dead upset. We have all been crying. Can you help?

Miss Jones mixed infants

David Responds

No I can’t. He is gone for good.

What did you think was going to happen when you sent your toy twelve miles into space.

Thursday, 7 April 2016

Dear David - English

Dear David

I am in a situation where someone is cross with me and I have been asked to explain my actions and say sorry. I don’t want to do this as I haven’t done anything wrong. I am struggling to find a word to use in my reply. Can you help?

David Responds

Oh yes there is a word you can use and I do like it … Apologia.

The word is for a situation where you have to explain why you took a particular course of action – but you are not apologising for it.

It has the benefit of most people thinking it is an apology when in fact you are saying ‘This is what I did and I don’t care what you think you ratbag’.

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Dear David - Savings ... again

Dear David

I did as you suggested and bought one billion savings stamps from the post office.  Thing is, there are loads of them and it took me ages to get them home.  Now I am always tripping over them and can't get moved in the living room.  Any more ideas?

Vlad

David Responds

I did warn you there would be a lot of stamps.

Why not rent a storage facility to put them in or better still why don't you ask a bank if you can hire a safety deposit box.

They have some lovely banks in Panama.

Monday, 4 April 2016

Dear David - Savings

Dear David

I've had a bit of an emergency and I suddenly have to find somewhere new to put my savings.  I have over £1 billion pounds, do you have any ideas for a good investment?

Vlad

David Responds

Oh that is a shame isn't it.

Getting a good return on your savings can be really difficult these days.

Have you thought about opening a Post Office savings account?  It might  take you a while to stick all the stamps into your savings book, but perhaps you have a friend that could help.

I am not sure if there is a limit on how many stamps you can by so you might want to give the post office a ring first and ask, I am sure they will help.

If you are going to open an account it might take a while so could you avoid of a Monday morning as that is when I collect my pension, I'd be grateful.  Oh and don't go of a Wednesday afternoon as it is half day closing.

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Adele is packing in singing for five years;
  • Simon asked Dermot if he could read a name off a card; 
  • Dermot confirmed he could read a name off a card;
  • Dermot got a job doing the X Factor;
  • Tulisa crashed her £150,000 Ferrari - that's a lot of money to spend on a car;
  • Kate and William are going to India;
  • Vernon said 'How do you press delete on this phone?;
  • Kerry is in Gran Canaria;
  • the Queen is going to light 1,000 beacons;
  • Matthew was looking tired - he looks tired a lot these days;
  • Brad wore a WWII RAF uniform - I think it is for a film; 
  • Donald might have finally gone too far; and
  • some people sang Bowie tunes in New York.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'I suppose all your Easter range has gone now' I greeted

'Just about' replied Agatha 'I've got a few hot cross buns left, if you want them. they haven't got any crosses on them and they are a bit stale ... Agatha left the offer hanging in the air

'Err,.. tempting as that sounds, I think I will give them a miss.'

'What can I get you ... do you want your usual?'

'No not really. I am a bit fed up with peach melbas. Have you got anything different.'

'We have been through this before, and last time you said you wanted something different you really wanted the same.'

'Yes, it is difficult isn't it.'

'Ooh I know' said Agatha with a sudden look of excitement. 'We get this dodgy looking bloke in sometimes of a Saturday on his way back from Morrisons and he says be can let me have peach melbas made with pineapples - that would be different.'

'You can't get peach melbas made of pineapples.'

'You can.'

'You can't.'

'You can.'

'Look you can't - it is in the name. Anyway what does this bloke look like?'

'Well sort of dodgy ... he comes in here with the pensioners at closing time for end of the day stuff and he wears an overcoat with Swiss watches sewn in the lining’

‘I don’t like the sound of that. I will stick to your normal cakes. Give me half a dozen mixed selection – no ├ęclairs.

Friday, 1 April 2016

Ronnie Corbett - a personal tribute

Questioner - Your specialist subject is answering the question before it has been asked.

A. Ronnie Corbett

Q. What is your name?

A. Prime Minister’s Question Time.

Q. What is the name of the weekly debate in the House of Commons between the Prime Minister and Leader of the Opposition.

A. A Comedy of Errors.

Q. Name a Shakespearean play.

A. Coronation Street.

Q. What is the longest running TV soap in the world?

A. Katie Boyle.

Q. Who hosted the first Miss World?

A. Angela Merkel.

Q. Who is the Chancellor of Germany?

A. Nigel Farage.

Q. Who is the leader of UKIP

A. Rod Hull’s Emu.

Q. What is the name of the bird with a big mouth in a famous ventriloquist act?

A. Kim Kardashian.

Q. Name an American Reality TV star.

A. Donald Trump

Beep! Beep! Beep!