Saturday, 26 March 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Eddie ran 27 marathons;
  • Barak went to Cuba;
  • Matthew was on This Morning;
  • Matthew has aged 20 years in 20 years;
  • the Queen went to a restaurant;
  • the Queen has never been to a restaurant before;
  • the Queen said 'eeh have you seen how much they want for a bottle of wine';
  • the Queen gave out some money on Thursday;
  • the Queen said 'eeh this costs me more and more every year';
  • David went to Lanzarote;
  • David wore his black holiday shirt; 
  • Madonna put up No Parking signs outside her house; and
  • the Rolling Stones are playing in Cuba.


Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

‘Did you get my order for a Simnel cake’ I asked by way of greeting

‘Yes I have it here’ replied Agatha as she shuffled an item into a box under the counter.

‘Just a minute, can I see that?’

‘See what?’

‘That’ I pointed to the box. ‘My Simnel cake, can I see it?’

‘Oh yes ...  I suppose’ hesitated Agatha as she opened up the box and placed it on the counter

‘What’s that!’ I exclaimed ‘There are six decorations on the top.’

‘Yes don’t they look nice.’

'Nice isn’t the point there should be twelve. It’s a Simnel cake each one represents an apostle.’

‘Oh I see. Were there not six apostles.’

‘Of course not. Whoever heard of the six apostles. Where are the rest of them?’

‘We had a bit of a rush on. That is all that was left. Do you want me to cut them in half to make them up to twelve?’

‘You can’t do that. You can’t cut apostles in half.’

‘I see … eerr let's have a look.'  Agatha started rummaging around in her drawers.  'I cold let you have half a dozen snowmen left over from Christmas if that would help' she offered 'That would make it up to twelve’

‘I am not having snowmen on my Easter cake.  I will be a laughing stock down the community center.'

'You could try Homebase next door' she said helpfully

'Homebase? for marzipan apostles' I ridiculed  'If you only have six I will just have to bunch them all up at one end and hope no one notices.'

I wonder if ASDA have a Patisserie.

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Dear David - Eggs

Dear David

I bought some chicken eggs today. I had the choice of medium or large. It got me thinking - how do the chickens know if they should lay medium or large eggs?

David Responds

I am surprised that you have started buying eggs again after that incident at ASDA customer services.

When you complained that all of your eggs came out fried when what you wanted was scrambled and the woman behind the counter laughed and you got mad and said 'who you laughing at' and she said 'you, you dingbat, you have to scramble them yourself' and you said how were you supposed to know because they didn't come with any instructions and the woman laughed even louder and you said if she didn't stop laughing you would spiflicate her. And she said 'I'd like to see you try', and you started rolling up your sleeves but the manager came to see what all the noise was about and they told you to leave because they said you were a trouble maker.

But to answer your question ... I am not sure chickens are receptive to receiving instruction on laying eggs of a specific size.

I think the general principle is they just lay eggs and we put them into an appropriately sized box.

Saturday, 19 March 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry watched some rugby;
  • Harry went to Nepal;
  • George said his budget was very important for his political career;
  • the Queen went to church for her 90th birthday;
  • some horses ran around a field;
  • some people watched horses running around a field;
  • Victoria rode a horse - does she not ride bicycles?;
  • Basil's hotel was demolished;
  • Jamie just happened to be outside the Houses of Parliament on Wednesday;
  • Barak is going to Windsor for lunch with the Queen;
  • the Queen said 'who's that you say is coming for lunch, I'm nearly 90 you know;
  • Arnold says there will be a sixth Terminator; and
  • Victoria isn't making much money flogging dresses. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning' I greeted  'There was a bit of confusion with my order for hot cross buns last week.  You mixed up a half of a two with a quarter of a four.'


'It took ages to sort out.'

'I'm sorry' Agatha didn't look sorry.

'I don't want to make a fuss about it.'


'But it took ages to sort out.'


'I had to swap them over.'


...'Once I had worked out what you had done.'


'I thought you had given me the wrong order.'


'But you hadn't.'


'Just mixed it up.'


'But like I say, I don't want to make a fuss about it.'


'It was fine in the end.'

Agatha took a deep sigh.  'What can I get you this week.'

'I'll have two peach melbas.'

Honestly that woman, what you have to do to get a little apology out of her.  Miserable old bag.

Thursday, 17 March 2016

Dear David - Sugar Tax

Dear David

I have heard the government is going to introduce a tax on sugar.  Does this mean Jammie Dodgers will be more expensive.  I am very worried.

David Responds

Oh dear that is a worry isn't it, I will have to dig our the Chancellor's statement, see what it says ...

... I have read through all of the budget papers (what a job that was!) and there is nothing about increasing the price of Jammie Dodgers.  While I was on I checked for Gypsy Creams and they seem to be ok as well.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Dear David - Home Decor ... again

Dear David

I saw your response to my question about my new parlour decoration and that is not a poss tub!  It is a fruit bowl I made at night class.

David Responds

Oh, I am sorry, I thought it was a poss tub, but to be fair, it is quite large for a fruit bowl.

It does sort of take over that whole corner and what with the lathe for your metal work class there isn't much room in your parlour.

Why don't I send you my free leaflet 'How to decorate your parlour when you have got a load of tat.'

Monday, 14 March 2016


... so let me get this right ...  you have been pursing a career in international competitive tennis for over ten years while taking medication for a heart condition ...

... just thought I would check that I have it correct.

Saturday, 12 March 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Fergie got chucked; 
  • Victoria is going to ride a horse at Cheltenham; 
  • Laurence shouted on stage;
  • Elton is putting his photographs on display;
  • David said he was going to be an MP when he wasn't a PM;
  • Sheridan is doing a new drama;
  • Brad and Angelina are renting a house in Surrey; 
  • David and Barak fell out; 
  • Charlotte got banned fro driving; 
  • David got a £200,000 watch – goodness that is a lot for a watch; 
  • Glenda is going to be King Lear;
  • Idris got an Oboe off the Queen;
  • Steve got sacked; and 
  • Rafa got a new job; 
  • Rafa was the best person for the job;
  • Rafa was the only person available for the job.

Dear David - Home Furnishing

Dear David

As you know I've been decorating the parlour and my mind has turned to window dressings.  What do you about nets?

David Responds

Parlour! You make it sound like something out of Dickens ... ooh Mr Fuddyduck ... ha ha.

Oh you have enclosed a photograph of your newly decorated room …

…let’s have a look …

… fishing it out of the envelope …

Oh … it wasn't a joke.

Eerr well your room, sorry your parlour, does have a certain ... err what's the word  ... charm ... yes that's it ... it does have a certain old world charm. Not sure why you want a poss tub in the middle of the room though, but I suppose it can be handy if you want to rub a few things through while you are listening to your gramophone.

What was your question again ... ah yes nets .. I think you should get some ... thick ones. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning' I said  Have you still got your hot cross buns on?' I asked

'Yes, certainly replied Agatha

'Are you still doing them in packs of four and packs of two?''

'Yes of course'

'Do you take orders?'  Agatha looked startled at the question 'Ha no' I laughed 'I don't mean in a "Ve Haf Vays of making you serve" type orders. I mean orders from groups of people?'

'Ah of course' said Agatha with relief

'I've got a bit of an order off of the community centre'

'Ok what do you want?'

'Can I have two fours, a two, half a four and a quarter of a four, another two twos and a third of a double two and Mary off of the door says can you split a two so she can have a half of a quarter of a third of one ... she just wants a taste to see if she likes then because she doesn't' like the ones with peel in them as they give her a bad head'.  Agatha took a deep sigh and rolled her eyes.

I wonder what was wrong with her.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

Buckingham Palace Statement …

Buckingham Palace has issued a statement …

… at a lunch engagement in 2011 Her Majesty the Queen did not say she would like Brexit what she said was there was a nice piece of brisket.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

Dear David - Vote

Dear David

I am head of state of a European country and I am not sure how to vote in the forthcoming EU referendum. Can you help?

By the way I have had to send this in anonymously as I get wrong for asking these questions … oh and I am nearly 90 you know.

HM anon

David Responds

I don’t normally respond to anonymous letters, but I think I have worked out who you are.

I am not sure how to advise you, I don't even think you have a vote, but I think if we exit the EU you will have to sign a lot more things.

This could seriously add to your workload so you might want to think about leaving things the way they are.

Saturday, 5 March 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Cheryl and Liam went shopping in Tesco; 
  • some people won some Oscars; 
  • Victoria wore some flat shoes; 
  • Victoria wore some wellington boots - ooh hasn't she got a lot of footwear; 
  • Sam quite Twitter; 
  • Celine took £20 million off of her house sale price – goodness wasn’t it expensive; 
  • Donald has billions of dollars but can’t afford a decent hair-cut; 
  • George got chucked off of Union J; 
  • Jerry got married;
  • some Tory politicians said we should leave the EU;
  • some Tory politicians said we should stay in the EU; 
  • some Tory politicians said them politicians that want to stay are ratbags; 
  • some Tory politicians said them politicians that want to leave are ratbags; and 
  • Rupert got married at Jerry Hall ... correction ... to Jerry Hall. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said 'What with it being nearly Easter I was wondering of you had your hot cross buns in yet'

'We have just got some in fresh this morning' enthused Agatha

'Great. May I have a pack of six hot cross buns?'

'We only do packs of fours and packs of twos'

'Oh ... well I will have six hot cross buns'

'I told you ... we don't do packs of six.  We only do packs of fours and packs of twos'

'I know, so may I have six hot cross buns.'

'We only do packs of fours and packs of twos'

This was proving to be more difficult than I anticipated 'May I have a pack of four and a pack of two hot cross buns?'

'Of course ... why didn't you ask for that in the first place.'

I thought I had.  Miserable old bag.

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Dear David - 4D

Dear David

I am gong on a 4 Dimensional experience.  I have never been on one, can you tell me what it is?

David Responds

Yes ... it is how I imagine it would be to be on LSD and then someone throws a two gallon bucket of water in your face.

Do have fun and let me know how it goes.

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Dear David - Women's Rugby

Dear David

In women's rugby, do they play the Benny Hill music in the background?

David Responds

Not since the 1970s.