Saturday, 27 February 2016

Dear David - Paloma

Dear David

Which planet does Paloma originate from?

David Responds

I'm not sure, but I think it was featured in second series of Star Trek, episode four.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • George is going on tour again; 
  • Boris decided we should leave the EU so he could become Prime Minister; 
  • Olly is being given the chance to resign from a job he doesn't have; 
  • Boris sent David a text; 
  • David said 'what does "I'm out" sad face, sad face, finger pointing to sad face with tears mean?; 
  • Tony got chucked by the BBC; and 
  • Nick got chucked from X Factor; 
  • Jude had a party at 2 in the morning; 
  • Peter got a new hair do;
  • some people got some BRITs; 
  • two women wore the same dress at the BRITs – well not the same dress, just the same dress; and
  • Cheryl is knocking around with Liam.

Dear David - In And Out

Dear David

I used to be happy to be in, then I thought it might be quite nice to be out, then I wasn't sure if I should be in or out.  Then I thought Out meant Out, but then I decided Out meant In, now I think I am quite sure Out means Out.  Do you agree?

Boris

David Responds

What the hell are you talking about.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear.'  I said in greeting.  'I err missed you last week ... were you on holiday?' I suggested with a knowing smile.

'Holiday?' ... ah oh yes I was on holiday, that's what I was ... I was on holiday'.

'Did you get anywhere nice?  Perhaps you had a motoring holiday?'

'Motoring holiday?  What makes you say that?'

'Oh nothing ... just it's nice to head off somewhere on a holiday.  Load up the van ... eer I mean car ... and head into the unknown.'

'No, I didn't have a motoring holiday.'

'It is just they arrange some nice motoring holidays ... at the community center.'

'All right' snapped Agatha 'Who has been talking?'

'Talking?'

'You know what I mean.'

'Well someone might have mentioned you had been .. err feeding the elderly with knock off ... err surplus produce.'

'It's that Mavis off of the checkout isn't it.  She has a right big mouth'  I'll flatten her one day.'

I could see Agatha was getting cross so I tried to change the subject away from Mavis. 'Have you got peach melbas back in stock .. or do I have to go round the back and get them from your van!

That told her.

Thursday, 25 February 2016

Dear David - Snow

Dear David

Someone at work said today "its too cold to snow" is there any scientific evidence to this - there seems to be a lot of snow in the arctic and I've heard it's chilly there?

David Responds

Oh yes I have heard that said before and as you say there is a lot of snow in the Arctic.

But is it funny you should ask, as I was just discussing this with someone only the other day, now who was it … our Jean … yes it was our Jean we were going to the library of a Tuesday and she was saying .. oh no hang on our Jean does the dinners at the community center of a Tuesday. She used to do of a Monday but changed her day after Ivy fell off that dinning room chair when she was trying to reach a tin of carrots off of the shelf in the top cupboard … and she said she was that shook up she couldn't face working there again unless big Madge was working and she could get the carrots if they needed any and big Madge only does of a Tuesday and of a Thursday so our Jean changed to of a Monday so Ivy could do of a Tuesday … so it couldn’t have been her … who was it then … that's it ... it was Deidre Hardcastle from the florists.

We were going to the library … I wanted the new Catherine Cookson and I had just said I hoped that tall one wasn’t on, he is dead miserable and he always keeps the best books out the back and I am sure he has loads of Catherine Cookson’s in but he never puts them out and Deidre said ‘eeh isn’t it cold, but it is too cold to snow’ and I said ‘I don’t think there is any scientific data to back up that statement after all it is dead cold in the Arctic and there is loads of snow there.’

What was your question again .. oh yes the cold and snow – no there is no science behind the statement ‘it is too cold to snow.’

Monday, 22 February 2016

Dear David - Giving News

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician and I have to tell a colleague that I am not going to support him.  I don't really want to face him so do you think it is ok to send this news by text?

anon

David Responds

Oh this is a tricky one isn't it.

As a rule I don't think giving bad news by text is a good idea but if you can't do it any other way why not end your message with one of those little smiley face pictures (they are funny aren't they!).

I have had a look for you and why not send  ... sad face ... sad face ... sad face with finger pointing to tear filled eyes with bottom lip protruding.

That is sure to soften the blow.  Do let me know how it goes.

Saturday, 20 February 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David got a new tattoo; 
  • some people got some BAFTAs; 
  • Daniel isn't going to be Bond anymore; 
  • Julie lost an earring; 
  • And and Dec are going to do a SitCom; 
  • Adele sang a tune at the Grammys; 
  • Barak is off to Cuba – it’s nice there this time of year; 
  • David discovered his Euro train pass let him go to loads of countries; 
  • Paul wasn’t allowed into a club – not surprised I wouldn’t have let him in either; 
  • Donald called the Pope some names; 
  • the Pope said ‘Don’t mess with me you little pipsqueak’; 
  • Donald said ‘What does it mean “four Our Fathers and seven ‘Hail Marys”; 
  • Donald suddenly discovered there are 68 million Catholics in America.
  • Nick isn’t doing anymore X Factors; 
  • Caroline has been sacked from the X Factor; 
  • Angela had some chips; and
  • Kylie got engaged.

Sainsbury's

Margaret was on the Patisserie this morning …

‘Oh hello’ I said

‘Hello’ replied Margaret

‘You’re Margaret aren’t you.

‘I’m Margaret’

'Don't you normally do the cream fillings in the apple turnovers out the back?'

'I normally do the apple turnover cream fillings out the back.'

‘Is Agatha not on today?’

‘Agatha isn’t on today.’

‘Is this your full range of cakes’ ‘I asked pointing to the display.

‘This is our full range of cakes.’

'I don't suppose you have many cakes out this early in the morning' 

'We don't really have that many cakes out this early in the morning.'

I think this woman is on a two minute delay.

‘So … errr is Agatha on a day’s leave?’ I asked by way of conversation.

Margaret leaned over the counter and lowered her voice ‘On no, she's on a disciplinary.’

‘Not again’ I exclaimed ‘What’s she done this time?’

‘The manager caught her selling peach melbas out of a van at the back of the community centre.’

I knew it. The rotten old bag

Friday, 19 February 2016

The Pope

I am not really religious but I am quite interested in history …

… I know for Americans history only really started about four hundred yeas ago but even a basic understanding beyond that would tell you calling the Pope names isn’t such a good idea.

Monday, 15 February 2016

Dear David - Earring

Dear David

I was at a bit of a do last night and I lost a dead expensive earring.  I am embarrassed to wear just the one, people will notice.  What can I do?

J

David Responds

Oh dear that must have ruined your evening.

Why not keep on wearing the one you have and say you found it?  That should put a more positive spin on your predicament.

Saturday, 13 February 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen ended her Christmas holidays; 
  • Fergie wants to be Swiss; 
  • Donald and Bernie won some votes; 
  • Liam is seeing a woman; 
  • Hilary said she was dead fed up going to these votes in the cold; 
  • Hilary said ‘can we not do Florida of a February’; 
  • Jonny is going to be the Invisible Man – I must go to see that; 
  • Liam said be was only kidding about the woman; 
  • Barry wasn’t very well; 
  • the Pope is in Mexico; 
  • George met Angela 
  • Beyonce sang some tunes;
  • Beyonce said she wan't that fussed about singing Chris's song; and 
  • Ben is going to do the Jump.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning' said a cheery Agatha

'I've got a complaint.'  I responded as a greeting

'Oh dear'

'You said those Madelines you sold be last week didn't have coconut in them ... but they did'

'They didn't.'

'They did,'

'They didn't.'

'They did.  They had coconut in them.'

Ah well'  interrupted Agatha, they had coconut on them, not in them'

'That's the same,'

'No it's not.'

'Well they still tasted of coconut.'

'Do you want some more?'

'No I don't.  Can I try something else.  Nothing with coconut in them ... or on them ... or eclairs ... or mince pies ... and you don't do peach melbas anymore.  What have you got?'

'I could do you a vanilla slice?'

'Have you got any without vanilla in them/'

'Well not really.'

I thought about it for a few moments 'Ok I'll have two vanilla slices'

That Agatha gets more difficult every week.

Friday, 12 February 2016

Dear David - Life Span

Dear David

I have seen a news report saying the over 65s are living longer. I think it is really unfair that it is only old people that are living longer. Can something be done to make it fairer?

David Responds

I am not sure there is much I can do about this. Write to me again in forty years when you have had time to think about it a bit more.

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Dear David - Eyebrows

Dear David

What do you think of the latest male grooming on eyebrows?  Apparently instead of keeping them flat, one should keep them short and backcomb them for a more natural look - my photo enclosed.

David Responds

A letter about male grooming, I get a lot of these letters nowadays.

Oh and a photograph ...

... I like these letters ...

... with photographs in them ...

... let's have a look ...

Strange ... why have you sent me a photograph of Eddie Munster?

Oh no, hang on it isn't Eddie Munster, it's you.

I'm not sure you should be backcombing your eyebrows, you do seem to have a lot of volume in them already, why not have them seen to professionally.

You might want to take your own secateurs with you I'm not sure Madame Beryl's on the high street will have industrial strength equipment.  

Monday, 8 February 2016

Dear David - Look

Dear David

I was told by a mutual friend of ours that I looked androgynous when I was younger.  What do reckon? After all you've known me for years.

David Responds

'Androgynous' that's a funny word isn't it.  Wonder what it means ... let's have a look in my dictionary ... 'a' ...

... 'an' ...

... aardvark ... ah no, gone too far, you don't look like an aardvark. lol ... let's go back a bit ... here it is ... 'androgynous' ... oh, err no I don't think you looked androgynous ... what's the word now? ... 'ethereal' no that's not it ... 'diaphanous' ...no that's not it either.

Leave it with me and I will have a think.

And I'm not sure we have known each other for years exactly, the terms of the restraining order are quite clear, and you have to stop saying that.

Saturday, 6 February 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Jeremy had holes in the knees of his jeans - and he went like that on telly as well!;
  • John isn't gong to be at Chelsea anymore; and 
  • Terry isn't going to be at Chelsea anymore either;
  • Matt is going to do Top Gear - whatever that is;
  • Van got his sirknighthoodshipness;
  • Elton played his piano in a train station - what a funny thing to do;
  • some celebrities baked some cakes - I'm sure I've seen this lot on here before;
  • Donald got trumped; and 
  • Gary got a hammering;
  • Boris got a haircut off of his mam;
  • Julian stood on a balcony;
  • Jose asked 'Can you point out where the Arndale Centre is'; and 
  • someone won Celebrity Big Brother. 

Dear David - The BBC

Dear David

I'm watching Elton John on Graham Norton - his performance is shocking.  How do I get a refund on my TV licence?

David Responds

Oh I'm not sure.  They only do refunds if you are over 75, otherwise you might have a problem. They are really strict on it.

Oh you have enclosed a photograph of yourself ...

... I like these letters ...

... with photographs in them ...

... let's have a look ... fishing it out of the envelope ...

Oh ... you should be ok, write to BBC Broadcasting House and I am sure they will pop a refund in the post.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear, I wasn’t keen on those coconut macaroons you sold me last week’ I said by way of greeting

‘Haystacks’  replied Agatha

‘What?’

‘Haystacks. You said "coconut macaroons". They were coconut haystacks’

‘Well whatever they were, I wasn’t keen.’

‘What was wrong with them?’

‘They tasted of coconut’

'What did you think they were going to taste of?'

'I don't know, but they were quite coconutty'

‘I thought you liked coconut’

‘I do’

‘What was wrong with them

‘I just thought they would have tasted different’

‘What did you think coconut haystacks would taste of?

‘I'm not sure, maybe sort of peachy’

‘Look we don’t do peach melbas anymore. How many times do I have to tell you.’

‘I know. I was just saying.  What have you got this week ... and not coconut haystacks?'

'We have some lovely ecl...'

'And not eclairs' I interrupted

'Vanilla sl '''

'Not vanilla slices'

'What about madelines?'

'Oh ... have they got coconut in them?'

'Errr not in them ... no' said Agatha slowly.

'I'll try two of them then'

Sometimes it is really difficult to get service out of that woman.

Friday, 5 February 2016

Dear David - Circumflex

Dear David

I am a French linguist and I’ve just had my circumflex removed. I am dead annoyed.

David Responds
Ooh I’m not surprised, I bet that hurt. Take a couple of paracetamol and you will be right as rain in a few days.

Tuesday, 2 February 2016

Dear David - US Election .. again

Dear David

Out of the three leading Republicans and two Democrats who won the vote last night?

David Responds

I have checked the analysis for you and according to them - they all won.

Dear David - US Election

Dear David

I was thinking of running to be US President, but I have had a bit of a set back.  Do you think it is because I have a funny hair-do?

David Responds

No, it is because you are an idiot.