Saturday, 30 January 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Dads Army has a new film out;
  • some celebrities are in a house;
  • some celebrities have been forbidden to eat sugar; and
  • some celebrities have been sent tio India;
  • it's dead busy being a celebrity at the minute;
  • David was on about his swarms again;
  • George and Paloma had a row on the voice;
  • someone won the Costa book prize; and 
  • Beatrix has a new book coming out;
  • some celebrities baked some cakes;
  • the Queen is advertising for a new helicopter pilot; and
  • Ben isn't singing for Simon anymore.


Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'I didn't expect to see you here.  I thought you were only on the Patisserie last week covering for your Margaret because she had gone off'

Agatha sprinkled flour on her baps as tidied the counter.  'Ah no, I am back on here full time' she replied.

'Are you not all being moved around each week anymore?'

'No, the manager has changed his mind about that.  He says he was losing track of where we all were and was fed up spending his day looking for us.

'Ha yes. I bet he likes to know where you are'

'What do you mean by that?'

Oh err nothing.  I'm just saying it is best to know where everyone is.  I don't suppose you have peach melbas back in do you?'

'No, I told you last week, we don't do them anymore.'

'That's a shame.  I will have to try something new.  Have you got any other cakes ... with cream in them and peaches and a pastry base?'

'That's not new.'

'It's fairly new.'

'No it isn't it's the same as a peach melba.  Look why don't you try one of these?'  Agatha presented a couple of coconut haystacks.

'I don't like the look of them.  They look dry'

'They aren't dry.'

'They don't have any cream in them.'

'Well no, but you said you would try something different.'

'Well go on then.  I'll have a couple of large ones.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Donald didn't get banned for being an idiot;
  • Madonna was two and a half hours late;
  • the Cold Feet people are doing another show; and 
  • so are the Friends people;
  • Cat and Pat had a baby;
  • Dolly was 70;
  • and Bette is going to be Dolly;
  • some people left the Celebrity Big Brother house;
  • Kerry is getting divorced again;
  • Holly and Philip had a night out at the National Television Awards;
  • Philip and Holly said they should have booked leave for the day after; and
  • Mariah got a £5 million engagement ring.

Dear David - Snow Storm USA

Dear David

I am live on the east coast of America and we are having the worst snow storm in 100 years with below zero temperatures and two feet of snow.  The government has told us to hunker down until it is over. Do you have any advice?

David Responds

Oh that does sound cold doesn't it.

I am not sure what 'hunker down' means but it doesn't sound very nice so I wouldn't do it.

It has been a bit like that over here as well.  One morning last week it was very nippy, there was a small patch of ice on my car windscreen, I thought it would never melt.  And one afternoon the clouds looked very grey

Anyway enough about me.  If you must go out do wrap up warm, but don't sacrifice fashion for warmth.  There are some lovely scarves on the market - buy a nice warm woolly one and you will be sure to see this storm out in style.


Agatha was on the Patisserie this morning ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'What a surprise.  I thought you weren't on here anymore.  You said they were moving you about a bit?'

'Well they were' replied Agatha 'but they have put me back on here today.  Margaret was supposed to be on but she is off .'

'Oh I see' I said, not really seeing ... wondering what "on but she is off" meant.  'Is Margaret the nice one ... the one that smiles when she takes your order and says "hello sir, what can I get for you today"?'

'Yes that's her.  She is my sister'

'Is she!  Oh I never knew that.  She is lovely.  She is nothing like you'

'What do you mean by that'  demanded Agatha

'Oh err nothing I meant err ... looks wise ... you're nothing like each other ... looks wise'

'Well actually we are sisters-in-law.'

'Ah that explains it.'

'Explains what?'

'Oh nothing.  I'll take two peach melbas'

'Oh we don't do them anymore'

'You don't!' I was devastated 'Why not?'

'There was no call for them.  We didn't sell many'

'I wanted them, I was buying them'

'Well  yes you were, but proper customers weren't buying them.'

I wonder what she meant by that.

Friday, 22 January 2016

Dear David - New Planet ... again

Dear David

I saw your reply to my letter about me finding a new planet in the solar system, but  think you were a bit dismissive about my achievement.

I know the planet is quite big and should be easy to spot, but the solar system is massive, and it is dead hard finding things there, especially when you only have a pair of binoculars. I think you could have been a bit more supportive.

David Responds

I am sorry you were upset about my response to your letter, but you have written before to claim great discoveries only to be disappointed later.

Like that time you discovered an unreported solar eclipse but it turned out to be a currant on the lens of your binoculars.  And that time you reported mass extinction of all stars across the universe, but we found out later that you had left the lens cap on your telescope.

If you have indeed found a new planet, please send me a photograph.

Thursday, 21 January 2016

Dear David - New Planet

Dear David

I have just discovered a new planet in the solar system that is ten times the size of the Earth.  I am very excited.  What do you think?

David Responds

A new planet ten times the size of the Earth? ... and you have just discovered it?  How the heck did you miss that until now, it must be massive!  Where was it ... hiding behind a tree!  lol

Send me a pic and I will have a look at it.

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Rupert and Jerry got engaged - you're kidding right?; while
  • Gary and Danielle are splitting up;
  • Jude is going to play the Pope - someone has a sense of humour;
  • some people won some Globes - or was that last week it is hard to keep up;
  • some people were nominated for an Oscar;
  • the Thames burst its banks near George's house;
  • Amal said 'I'm sure that water is coming up to our garage, I'm sure you should check it;
  • George said 'it's fine, it will be alright, I'm not going out there in this';
  • Jude was on holiday in Venice; 
  • Barak made a speech about the state of his onions; 
  • Ellen got a puppy; 
  • Liam got a new hair-do and
  • one of the ones off of Gogglebx - that's the show about watching people watching shows - is getting married.
Devastatingly David is with the stars.


Agatha was on tins this morning …

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘What you doing on tins? You don’t normally do tins.’

‘I’ve been moved again’ replied Agatha

‘That’s nice’

‘Not really. These tins is dead heavy.’

‘The tins are heavy. The tin is heavy’

‘Yes, that’s what I said, they is dead heavy especially when there's a lot of them.’

‘What are you doing with them?’

‘I’m taking them out of the boxes, putting them on this shelf and turning the labels around so they face the front’

‘That will take you ages, there’s loads of them.’

‘I know. I’m fed up with it.’

‘I bet you wish you just had your bloomers to look after.’

‘I beg your pardon’

‘Your bloomers ... they are big, but they are not as heavy as tins.’

‘Are you looking for a fat lip?’

'Err no, I'm just off tot he Patisserie.'

Friday, 15 January 2016

Dear David - Space Walk

Dear David

I have to do a space walk later, do you have any tips?

David Responds

A space walk!  Ooh that sounds dangerous, do you think it s wise to be wandering out there, it looks ever so cold.

If you must do it, wrap up warm and wear a thick scarf.  Choose a bright colour to brighten up your dowdy work clothes.

Oh and here is a handy hint ... wrap a rope around your waist and tie it to a door handle.  For maximum security tie it with a reef knot ... left over right and under ... right over left and under ... or is it the other way around.

Keep safe and do let me know how it goes.

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Dear David - Polar Vortex

Dear David

I am in Eastern USA and we are having a polar vortex with temperatures as low as -30C.  Do you have any tips for keeping warm?

David Responds

Oh that does sound chilly doesn't it.

How to keep warm ... make sure you zip your anorak right up to the top to keep the chill out and wear some mittens to keep nice and toasty.

Oh and if you seen any geordie girls out on the beer, tell them to put on a pair of tights and drape a silk scarf over bare shoulders to keep the cold out.

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Dear David - Alcohol Consumption

Dear David

The government has given guidelines on alcohol consumption today. I'm a bit confused - are they saying I can only have six port and lemons in the Laughing Donkey of a Saturday?


David Responds

I don't think the government is concerned about your (alleged) six port and lemons of a Saturday night, I think it is more the crate of brown ale you have before you go out that is the issue.

This applies to you as well Mr P with your fancy wines.


Agatha was at the Delicatessen this morning …

‘Oh hello dear’ I said ‘What you doing behind there?’

‘The manager wants us to move around on a regular basis so we can cover all the counters’ replied Agatha

‘Oh that’s nice. I’m surprised to see you on the Delicatessen though’

‘Surprised?  Why?’

‘After that incident in the summer ...' I began 'when you helped out after Jean off of cheese went sick.  I thought the manager said he would make sure you never worked the Deli again.’

‘I don’t think that is quite what he said’

‘Mavis off of the checkout said the manager was furious after you had that row with a customer and Mavis said he said he would make sure you never saw the front of his Delicatessen ever again.’

‘That’s not what happened’.’

‘Mavis off of the checkouts said the manager said he had never seen anything like it.  Mavis said, he said he couldn’t believe his eyes when he had to pull you off of that woman’s throat after she had said your breasts looked a bit dismal and did you not have any bigger ones.’

‘She was asking for it'

'Mavis off of the checkouts said the woman was only after some chicken portions and you gave her a bunch of fives.

'What else did Mavis off of the checkout say?’ Agatha was looking quite cross by now.  

'err nothing.  I'll just have a quarter of ham' quickly changing the subject.

Friday, 8 January 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Cheryl is running out of surnames;
  • Nigel said he wasn't that fussed about going on driving holiday in France;
  • Nigel was a cat in a previous life;
  • Ant and Dec met Charles;
  • Matt has looked better;
  • some people went into the Celebrity Big Brother house;
  • Sam wore a red coat;
  • Kristina and Ben are having a baby;
  • Eddie has been nominated for BAFTA Best Actor and Best Actress; and
  • some people will be singing in The Voice. 

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Dear David - The Undateables

Dear David has a message for C

I am sorry you didn't get onto the new series of The Undateables.

As you know I have long said you are a shoe-in for the show.  Why not apply for the next season

Saturday, 2 January 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David did a documentary on TV;
  • David can't do documentaries on TV;
  • some people aren't doing Downton anymore;
  • Frank and Christine went on honeymoon; while 
  • Cheryl could lose her surname in a divorce;
  • Harry might be making a solo album without anyone with him; 
  • Barbara got a ladydamesirknighthoodship, What a Carry On - they will give them to anyone these days; and 
  • Harry was on a boat - well not a boat, submarines are boats - he was on a yacht well as long as you could put the yacht on a ship then it was a boat;
  • Phillip got a drone for Christmas;
  • Phillip's drone fell in the water;
  • Phillip fell in the water; and
  • Phillip got some new crutches for Christmas.

Dear David - Easter Eggs

Dear David

I have been told by a reliable source that there really are Easter eggs on sale now.  is this true?

David Responds

There have been some unconfirmed reports of Easter eggs on sale at some distribution points across the UK.  

I must warn that these reports are unconfirmed and from unreliable, if not to say dubious and scurrilous, sources.  Please proceed with caution.

On a separate note, I am still waiting a response from Sainsbury's to my complaint that they were selling Terry's chocolate oranges over the festive period, when they are more appropriate to Easter.


The decorations were all gone at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'Happy New Year'

'What?' queried Agatha 'Oh yes I suppose so, same to you.  I have your peach melbas ready.'

'No' I said 'I think what with it being of a new year, I think I will have something different.  What have you got that is different?'

'Oh errr, I wasn't expecting that.'  Agatha looked around the shelves.  'We have some sly cakes'

'Sly cakes aren't different'

'They are'

'They aren't'

'They are'

'They aren't'

'They are different to peach melbas' countered Agatha

'Well yes' I conceded 'they are different to peach melbas, but I wanted a different sort of different.  Sort of completely different'

'Well we don't do different sort of different, we just do different.'

'What have you got that is different then ... and not sly cakes?'

 'I could do you some coconut macaroons'

'They look boring'


'I don't like eclairs'

'What about a couple of frangipans?'

'What's them?'

'Well they are these', Agatha looked a bit uncertain but pointed to some small cakes.  'they are roundish and sort of frangi ... and panni.

'Go on then, i will take a couple.'

It is always good to start a new year with an exciting adventure.