Saturday, 24 December 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • The Queen and Philip were full of cold; 
  • the Queen said ‘I blame you for this, it’s all your fault’; 
  • Philip said ‘How’s it my fault!’; 
  • the Queen said ‘inviting them grandkids around for Christmas dinner yesterday … they were coughing and sneezing all over the place’; 
  • Philip said ‘eeh Liz you can’t not have the grandkids around … not of a Christmas; 
  • the Queen said ‘they had their sticky little fingers all over my Royal Doulton – I’ll have to have it cleaned now’; 
  • the Queen said ‘and one of them had a hold of that piece our mam left us … eeh I thought if he drops it I’ll be that cross’; 
  • Philip said ‘was it that vase with the stag’s head on it?’ 
  • the Queen said ‘yes, lovely piece that, our mam had a good eye’; 
  • Philip said ‘I wish he had dropped it, it gives me the creeps’; 
  • the Queen said ‘you’ve never liked our mam’; 
  • the Queen and Philip got a bit better; 
  • Philip said I’ve still got those train tickets for Sandringham, do you think they will take them?’ 
  • the Queen said ‘Let’s have a look’; 
  • the Queen said ‘oh never in all the world, you got super savers, they will never take them, what did you get them for?’ 
  • Philip said ‘how was I to know you would come down with a cold’; 
  • the Queen said ‘oh it’s all my fault now is it’; and
  • the Queen said ‘have we not got a helicopter lying around we could use?

Sainsbury's

The Patisserie was open and Agatha was at the counter …

‘Hello’ I greeted

‘Hello’ said Agatha ‘We are open for business.’

‘I see you’re open for business’.’

‘Yes, open as usual even though it is Christmas Eve.’

‘I wondered if you would be open as usual, what with it being of a Christmas Eve.’

‘Yes we are open and we have our full Christmas range available.’

‘I wasn’t sure if you would have your full range in.’’

‘Everything is going fast and we are closing early.’

‘I suppose everything is going fast, and I bet you are closing early.’

‘You better get what you want now.’

‘I suppose I should get everything now.’

‘We might have nothing left later.’

‘You might have nothing left later.’

‘Are you on a ten second delay?’ asked Agatha

‘What?’

‘Nothing. Look do you want anything or not, I’ve got a queue forming.’

‘Have you got a Stollen?’

‘We don’t do fancy.’

‘Stollen’s not fancy.’

‘It is in here.’

‘I’ll have four mince pies.’ I said resignedly

Miserable old bag


Agatha is on holiday until the new year


Merry Christmas to all out readers

Thursday, 22 December 2016

2016

As if 2016 hasn't been bad enough, I now learn they are adding a leap second at midnight on 31 December.

I don't think 2016 should be allowed to go on any longer than absolutely necessary. 

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news
  • someone won X Factor;
  • Harry bought a tree;
  • Harry said 'eeh mind have you seen the price of them';
  • Theresa went to Europe;
  • Theresa wasn't invited to dinner in Europe;
  • Theresa said 'I'm not bothered I've got me sandwiches';
  • Harry went clubbing; 
  • Charles is going to do Just a minute;
  • Tina is having a film made: 
  • Daniel said he isn't that fussed about being James again; 
  • some royals watched a show from the 70s; and 
  • some people were getting ready to win Strictly, Apprentice and the sport one no one watches. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

... Agatha looked a bit worse for wear ... with smudged mascara and lipstick across her cheek.

'Morning dear' I said hesitantly

'I haven't got time for any of your funny goings on this morning.'

I was a bit taken aback 'What do you mean, 'my funny goings on.'

'Coming in here every week, wanting coconut haystacks that don't taste of coconut and mince pies without any currents in them.'

'I have no idea what you mean, I merely ask for the occasional small adjustment to your recipes ...  Oh wait a minute.' I said suddenly putting two and two together. 'It was the staff Christmas party last night wasn't it.'

'It might have been.'

'It was, I can tell. I bet you were in the Laughing Donkey till all hours.'

'We might have popped in there for a quick one.'

'I bet you were in there all night.'

'Well actually no we moved on to the Blue Raccoon.'

'The Blue Raccoon?  I thought you were barred from there.'

'I wasn't exactly barred.'

'I heard on ladies day at Chepstow races you spent all afternoon knocking back whiskey chasers and lost a load on the 3.30 and ended up in the Blue Raccoon and you were bundled out into the street after you had an argument with him behind the bar with the funny eyes by them two big lads on the door.'

'I wouldn't say bundled ... they just said they thought I might like a bit of fresh air.'

'I head they shouted after you "and don't come back" then slammed the door.'

'Look are you going to buy anything or not?'

'I'll have a pack of mince pies ... with currants in them.'

I took my purchase and left.  She is a right misery when she has a hangover.

Saturday, 10 December 2016

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie

‘Morning dear’ I said

‘How did you get on with your éclairs?’ quizzed Agatha by way of greeting

‘My éclairs?’

‘Yes, last week you took a couple of my éclairs.’

‘Oh yes, I’d forgotten about that. They were all right. The vicar wasn’t keen … says he doesn’t like éclairs.

‘He doesn’t like anything.’ Muttered Agatha

‘Sorry?’

‘Nothing … What can I get you this week then? asked Agatha with a despairing sigh

‘I don’t know. I'm not sure what to get, I’ve not seen the vicar all week.’

‘You haven’t? I’ve seen him a couple of times. He has been in the library … hanging around the poetry section.’

‘Has he?  I wonder what he was doing in there.'

Agatha looked over each shoulder and lowered her voice and said 'Irene off of the post office counter says he was seen coming out of the pictures with a mystery woman. She says she has heard he is back on with that Deirdre from the Community Center.'

'I thought that was all off ... after that time at the bishop's whist drive to raise funds for distressed gentlewomen, and she got legless on homemade sherry and every time the bishop tried to take her glass off her she said "not so fast miss, I'll have another and make it a double".

'Well apparently it's back on.'

'Oh that is news. I'll have to get down the library see if I can find out what's going on. Does that tall one that is a right misery that does the front desk work of a Saturday?'

'Yes.

'I'll go Monday.'

Friday, 9 December 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news
  • Karen got a prize for her turnips - what a funny thing to get a prize for;' 
  • Donald was named Times Person of the Year - well so was Hitler; 
  • Harry was in Toronto; 
  • Ricky is on holiday; 
  • Mary sacked her agent; 
  • someone won something in the jungle;
  • George got £187,000 in a month for speaking - goodness that's a lot of money; 
  • Boris got wrong off Theresa; 
  • Boris said he wasn't bothered; 
  • Mick had a new baby - eeh he's had loads; 
  • Donald phoned Nicola;
  • Nicola said 'ee ya wee scunner, help ma boab, auchtimuctie an ecclefechan'; 
  • Petulia said she din't go out with Elvis; 
  • Beatrice might be getting married; and 
  • Harry might be getting married as well – must be something in the water;  
  • Andrew said he hadn't said he was fed up with Charles;
  • Andrew said he wanted Beatrice and Eugenie to be modern working young women'; and
  • Beatrice and Eugenie said 'what does he mean "Working". 

Saturday, 3 December 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Katya said thank goodness for that;
  • Donald said he would probably do presidenting full time;
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind it is a full time job, I never get a minute';
  • Cheryl is probably having a baby; and 
  • Anton is having two babies; 
  • Zac said ‘I’m sick of this lark’; 
  • Francois said he can’t be faffed either; and
  • Nico said he was packing it in as well; and 
  • Elton might be packing it in as well;
  • Beatrice cut Ed's face; 
  • Eddie got an oboe; and 
  • there was a bit of a to do at the Corrie do. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have two peach melbas.’

‘Oh we don’t do peach melbas of a Christmas. We won’t be doing them again until the new year. Can I get you something else?’

‘I don’t know. The vicar is quite particular.’

‘What about a couple of coconut haystacks?’ suggested Agatha

‘I’m not sure. The vicar was quite scathing about your coconut haystacks the last time.’

Agatha’s eyes narrowed ‘What’s he been saying about my coconut haystacks?’

‘Well nothing really … just they were a bit dry.’

‘Dry!’

‘And a bit obvious.’

‘Obvious?’

‘Yes he said they had coconut in them … and were like little stacks.’

Agatha looked cross – ‘What did he expect to find in a coconut haystack.’

‘I don’t know … he just said they were a bit obvious.’

'What about a couple of nice mincemeat pies.'

'Do they look like pies?'

'Yes.'

Have they got mincemeat in them?'

'Yes.'

'I'll have two eclairs.'

Saturday, 26 November 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people were still in the jungle;
  • Kate said goodbye to a dinosaur - not Philip; while
  • Harry went to the Caribbean; 
  • Sue Ellen was in Hollyoaks;
  • James is doing some more Grantchester;
  • Barak awarded some medals;
  • Steven said he was packing in football; and 
  • Philip has bee tying knots for 60 years; 
  • some people were still in the jungle;
  • the Queen spent £1.4 million on food last year;
  • Danny found he could trace his family line all the way back to the Queen Victoria; someone left the jungle - I am not surprised, it looks awful; and 
  • Pixie got engaged. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Oh I'm pleased you came in' she said 'I have kept you one of our special Christmas cake kits.'

'Christmas cake kit - what's that?'  I asked

'It is a kit with al the ingredients to make a Christmas cake you just add one or two things.'

'Oh that sounds good.'

'I'll get you one.'  Agatha disappeared out the back and came back with a bag of flour 'There' she said placing the kit on the counter.  'Yours for £5.'

'It looks like a bag of flour.'

'No that's the Christmas cake kit

'It looks like a pound bag of flour.'

'No I told you, you just have to add some things.'

'Like what'

'Err ... eggs'

'Ok I can see you would need to add eggs.'

'and sugar'

'Sugar' I repeated

'Dried fruit'

'Hang on I will just write these down ... dried fruit ...

Glace cherries'

'Cherries?

'You can't have a Christmas cake without cherries' explained Agatha ... oh and ground almonds.'

'Ground almonds and cherries' I repeated, adding them to my list

'Butter'

'Butter' I repeated

'Oh and err marzipan and icing.

'That's a lot of things to add.'

'Well you don't have to have the marzipan and icing.'

'I like marzipan.'

'Well have the marzipan.  Oh and spices.'

'Anything else?'

'Brandy.'

'Anything else'

'Err no, that's it I think. You can get the extras round the aisles, I'll just take for the Christmas cake kit here.'

I handed over £5 and took the kit and left.  As I walked away I heard that 'kkkeerrrchiinnggg!' sound again.  I wonder what it is.

Monday, 21 November 2016

Dear David - Black Friday

Dear David

What is Black Friday?

David Responds

Ah yes, this is a new thing from America.

It is like a sale, only you have to wear a track suit and be prepared to grapple a complete stranger to the ground over a 50" TV made by a company you have never heard of but it has £10 off.

If you are really lucky you will end up as a feature on the 6 o'clock news.

Saturday, 19 November 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa had a banquet with the Lord Mayor - how lovely; 
  • some people you have never heard of went into the jungle;
  • Barak went on a European tour;
  • Barak said 'eeeh aren't there a lot of European countries';
  • Theresa went to Europe;
  • Angela heard that Theresa was coming to Europe;
  • Angela said 'oh she isn't is she';
  • Theresa said 'why does no one like me over here'
  • the Queen is getting the decorators in;
  • the Queen said 'eeh that back bedroom's not been done for years';
  • Philip said ''it's not that long since it was done';
  • the Queen said 'eeh Philip i'ts been ages our mam said it needed doing, so it must be ages'; 
  • the Queen said 'eehh have you seen how much they are charging';
  • Philip said he knew someone who would do it for half the price; and 
  • Marilyn sold her dress - that one.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

… and she was all in festive dress.

‘Oh don’t you look festive.’ I said

‘I told them it’s too early for festive.’ replied Agatha

‘It’s a bit early though’ I said ‘to be all dressed up in festive.’

‘I said it was too early.’

‘I like your little festive earrings’ I commented as I leaned over the counter to get a closer look

‘Can you not lean over the counter,’ instructed Agatha ‘you are not allowed.’

‘I was just trying to look at your Christmas earrings. They look like little pixies.’

‘They are elves.’

‘They look like pixies.’

‘They are elves.’

‘They look like pixies … little pixies.

‘They are elves.’

'What's the difference?'

‘Well … eerrr elves is sort of elfish and pixies … well .. they are more pixyish …’

‘That’s daft. That doesn’t tell me the difference.’

‘Does it matter,’ snapped Agatha

‘I was just saying.’

‘Well don't.  Do you want anything are you just going to stand there saying stupid things.’

‘I was just saying.’

‘I said don’t. It doesn’t matter.’

‘It matters if you are a pixie.’

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

'Do you want anything?'

'I'll have a couple of peach melbas.'

Monday, 14 November 2016

Dream

I had the strangest dream ... .

... I was waiting for a lift and when the doors opened Donald Trump and Nigel Farage were standing in there grinning out at me.

Turns out it wasn't a dream

Saturday, 12 November 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Hilary said ‘eeh me feets killing is; 
  • Hilary said ‘that Donald’; 
  • Barak said ‘eeh never in all the world ... not that Donald’; 
  • Barak said ‘we’ve got weeks yet, let’s get Christmas out the way before we start packing’; 
  • Michelle said ‘Well he’s not getting them cushion covers I ran up, I’m having them’ 
  • Donald went to see Barak; 
  • Donald looked shell shocked; 
  • Donald said ‘eeh have I got to learn all this?’; 
  • Donald said ‘eeh have we been talking for an hour and a half already?’ 
  • Barak said ‘It seemed longer; 
  • the Queen said ‘Oh I haven’t got to meet him have I?’; 
  • the Queen said ‘eeh the things I have to do for this country’; 
  • Philip said ‘Can you not send Charles?’ 
  • the Queen said ‘it’s all right I’ll go, I need something at the shops anyway’; and 
away from US politics ...
  • Kirsty played God Save the Queen; 
  • Mariah is only getting $6 million and a small jet; and 
  • Gareth said he would like to be in charge of England - I am not sure Theresa knows about that though.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said

‘Hello replied, I’ve got your pies all ready for you.’

‘My pies?’

‘Yes, your pies.’

‘I’m not sure I want any pies.’

‘But you have been buying pies every week for ages now.’

‘I’m not sure I want any pies.’

‘You were buying Halloween pies for weeks.’

‘I’m not sure I want any pies.’

‘Then there was the Bonfire night special pies’

‘I’m not sure I want any pies.’

‘But I am relying on you buying pies. They have been a nice little earner … I mean we have made some especially for you.’

‘Oh I didn’t realise. I suppose I could have a few … If you have gone to all that bother.’

‘Ah good.’ Said Agatha with a sigh of relief

‘How many have you kept me?’

‘Forty eight.’

‘Forty eight!’

‘Yes Forty eight.’

‘Oh I don’t think I could manage 48.’

‘I was relying on you taking 48, it would give me a tenner for the open mic night at the Laughing Donkey.’

‘What?’

‘Oh … eerrr … nothing. How many do you want then?

‘I’ll take four.’

‘Oh is that all’ sighed Agatha

'Are they back to the normal price?'

'I suppose so.'

I took my mince pies and left … Agatha looked a little forlorn.

Saturday, 5 November 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some famous people went to Halloween parties, but I couldn't tell who they were;
  • Hilary said she wishes she never heard of emails;
  • Harry might be seeing someone;
  • some people left Strictly, the Apprentice and the one about people singing tunes that no one watches;
  • Madonna is writing some new tunes – I like the one about someone not preaching about something or other; 
  • Harry got a new girlfriend;
  • Charles told the Queen harry had a new girlfriend;
  • the Queen said 'which one is Harry again?';
  • Louis got a double; 
  • Theresa said ‘This Brexit is getting on my nerves’; 
  • Emma is being Beauty; 
  • Theresa said ‘Eeh them judges’; and
  • Mary got a new TV programme. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘’

‘Oh hello, you’re early this week.’

‘I thought I’d try to get in a bit sooner before the rush’

‘Rush … what rush?’

‘The rush for the Patisserie Bonfire Night specials.’

Agatha gave a puzzled look‘You have lost me.’

‘I thought you might have special Bonfire night pies.;

‘No we don't … oh … errr … wait a minute.’ Agatha went out the back closing the door behind her. I heard her shout something about where’s that case for the skip … who’s moved It .. and why does nobody round here not leave things where they are … A few minutes later she returned nestling a large box in her bosoms. She dropped the box onto the counter with a large thump

‘What’s that’ I asked

‘It’s our special Bonfire night pie range.’

'I thought you said you didn’t do anything special for Bonfire night?’

‘I forgot’ she said as she opened the box and took out some pies.

'They look like your Halloween flying saucer pies.’

‘Ah well .. yes … no .. they are Bonfire pies.’

‘They look like mince pies. What’s that icing sugar on the top?’

‘Errr … it’s ash from the fire.’

‘And they are all burnt around the edges.’

‘Ah well .. that’s the bonfire isn’t it.’

'Oh yes ... isn't that clever. I suppose they are more expensive than your normal pies.'

'Ah yes .. well I only sell them, they set the prices said Agatha as she nodded her head to the offices upstairs.

'Go on then, I'll have a pack of four?'

I paid for my purchase and left. Walking toward the door I heard that 'Keerrchinnggg' sound again. I wonder what it is.

Saturday, 29 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Nicola met Theresa;
  • Theresa thought she might like to have a new runway; 
  • Theresa said not to put the runway near her house because they are dead noisy; 
  • Mariah got chucked because she spends too much money; 
  • David got a new tattoo – he has got loads already; 
  • Candice won the Bake Off; 
  • the Queen got a new statue of her mother;
  • the Queen went to Waitrose;
  • the Queen said 'I got these tea cakes here but they were dead stale can I have my money back';
  • Someone left the apprentice before it started; 
  • Hilary said she wished she had never heard of emails; and
  • Bob said he was speechless. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was in full Halloween mode at the Patisserie this morning with blackened mascara eyes and lipstick spread across her mouth.

‘Oh I see you’re all ready for Halloween’

‘What do you mean?’ croaked Agatha

‘It's jusst your ... make-up' ... I paused 'Oh err never mind … were you in the Laughing Donkey last night.’

‘I might have popped in for a couple, why.’

‘Oh nothing, just wondered.'  I quickly  changed the subject 'I suppose this is the last week for your scary flying saucer Halloween pies.’

‘Yes we won’t be doing them next week. Can I get you a pack of four.’

‘I suppose so, they are a bit pricey – what with them being 10p dearer than your normal mince pies.’

‘Ah well actually, what with it being Halloween this weekend, they are 20p more.’

‘That’s a bit steep' I protested , this Halloween business gets expensive.’

‘Still you don’t want to be the only one in the street without scary Halloween pies do you.’

‘I suppose not, no’ I agreed regretfully handing over the money.

As I walked away from the counter I heard that ‘Kerrrchinggg’ noise again. I wonder what it is.

Saturday, 22 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Stephen said he couldn't be bothered to stay in UKIP;
  • Jude got some new hair;
  • some Olympic people met the Queen at an evening reception;
  • the Queen asked Philip to tape Holby;
  • Philip said 'can you not watch it on catch up?';
  • Louis bought a new house for $7.3 million – what a lot of money; 
  • Cheryl got divorced; 
  • Cheryl is running out of surnames; 
  • someone left the tent; 
  • Brendan might not be doing Strictly;  
  • a few others might not be doing Strictly either;
  • Theresa went to an EU summit;
  • Theresa was only allowed to talk about the UK at one in the morning over coffee;
  • Theresa said these Europeans are dead rough; and
  • Anthea got chucked again.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted ‘I think I’ll have four of your flying saucers.’

Agatha give me a quizzical look ‘four of my what?’ she queried

‘You’re flying saucers … you sold me some last week.’

‘What you talking about.’

‘Last week … your scary Halloween range … they look like mince pies but they cost 10p each extra because they are special for Halloween.’

‘Oh … ah yes … I remember now. I’ll just get you some.’ Agatha disappeared out the back and returned moments later with four pies. ‘Can I get you anything else … maybe some scary Halloween gingerbread men?’ She pointed to some gingerbread figures in the display.

‘They look like ordinary gingerbread men’.

‘I can draw a scary face on them for an extra 10p each.;

‘Go on then I’ll have four.’ Agatha assembled my items and told me the price.

‘Ooh that’s a bit steep, still I suppose it is only once a year.’ I said as I handed over a fiver.

Agatha looked at the fiver and asked if I had the right money.

I had to take around for some coins but handed over the exact amount. I watched as Agatha rang the items through, dividing the money and put 80p in her purse as she made a kerrrrching noise.

What a funny thing to do.

Monday, 17 October 2016

Dear David - Pots

Dear David

Why are teapots a different shape to coffee pots? Have we been brain washed into thinking we need two separate pots?

David Responds

What a funny question ...

If teapots were the same size and shape as coffee pots tea cosies wouldn't fit.

Saturday, 15 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Wayne couldn't get a game;
  • Kate borrowed some earrings off of the Queen;
  • Rod got his sirknighthoodship;
  • Will left Strictly - and he didn't even have to:
  • Charles opened his own restaurant; 
  • Camilla said ‘does this mean you are going to be up at all hours cooking chips?’;
  • England couldn’t be bothered to play a football game; 
  • Gareth said he had inherited a right mess; 
  • Gareth was surprised when it caused a fury; 
  • Gareth said ‘It’s hardly a secret’; 
  • Bob got a Nobel prize; 
  • Robbie got a little cosmetic help; 
  • Nadiya is going to do The One Show; and 
  • Nicola thought she might have another referendum.

Sainsbury's

continued from last week ... 

 ... I could do you a Halloween pie.’ said Agatha

‘What’s a Halloween pie?’ I asked

‘Hang on.’ Agatha disappeared out the back, returning a few moments later with a tray covered with a tea towel. Agatha looked around to make sure we were alone. With a flourish she removed tea towel cover ‘There.’ she announced.

‘That’s a mince pie.’

‘No it isn’t.’

‘It is.’

‘It isn’t.’

‘It is, look it is round, pie shaped and has icing sugar on it.’

‘Ah no it’s not round shaped it is err flying saucer shaped.’

‘You just made that up.’

‘I didn’t.  It's part of our scary Halloween range.’

'What's scary about a flying saucer?' not convinced I asked

'You wouldn't want one in your front garden.'

‘I suppose ... well what's the icing sugar for. You don’t get icing sugar on a flying saucer.’

‘That’s not icing sugar that’s ghost plasma. Err yes that’s what it is, it’s ghost plasma.’

‘’That doesn’t sound very nice.’

‘It’s not supposed to, it’s our Halloween range.  Do you want some?’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Go on. I can do you a pack of four.’

‘I don’t know, maybe, I’ll think about it and come back later.’

‘They are going really quickly, they are selling like hot cakes’ tittered Agatha

‘Go on, I’ll have four flying saucers with ghost plasma.’

I left with my purchase – I'm not sure about these flying saucer pies.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • someone left Strictly;
  • some people are singing tunes on the other side - not the other side the other side, just the other side;
  • Diane packed her job in;
  • Nigel said 'eeh I can't go back again ... can I?':
  • Stephen was in an altercation;
  • Stephen said 'eeh mind this party is dead rough';
  • Steven said ‘who are you calling a sniveling little pipsqueak’; 
  • Steven said ‘do you want to come outside and say that’; 
  • someone with fat fingers cost us a fortune; 
  • the Queen gave Brian an OBE;
  • Brain said thank you very much;
  • the Queen said 'eeh mind that Brain is dead loud he has my ears ringing'; and
  • Michael is going to do next year's Brits - does anyone still watch that?

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning' I said  ‘I was wondering if you had your mince pies in yet’

‘You asked me that last week.’

‘I know and you tried to sell me a Christmas tree instead.’

‘I didn’t’

‘You did. You told me to go to Lewis’s for a Christmas tree when all I wanted was a mince pie.’

‘That was just a misunderstanding. What can I get you?’

I repeated my question.

‘No we haven’t got them in yet. It’s too soon. Can I get you something else?’

‘I wanted mince pies.’

‘We haven’t got any.’

‘I heard you sell mince pies from your van out the back of ASDAs first think of a morning’.

‘Who told you that?’ demanded Agatha as she put her tongs down and leaned over the counter

‘Err no one' I said taking a step back 'just some old dear in the library.’

‘Well I don’t.’

‘Have you got anything that is similar to a mince pie?’

‘Have we got anything similar to a mince pie?’

‘Yes’

‘No’ Agatha paused … ‘although ... I could do you a Halloween pie.’ ... to be continued.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa gave David a torpedo;
  • William and Kate were in Canada;
  • George said 'What's a high five?';
  • Zoe chucked Norman - there is a lot of it about at the minute; and
  • the two that were on the X Factor that you thought would never get together and no one knows their names - they have split up as well; 
  • Sam packed his job in; 
  • Sam said ‘eeh I’ve only been here five minutes: 
  • Sam said ‘£1 million for me – are you sure?’; 
  • Danny said brothers can be really annoying;
  • some scientists flew a spacecraft for 12 years then crashed it into a comet - what a funny thing to do;
  • Niall made a tune all on his own; 
  • Donald and Hilary had a chat; and 
  • Donald thought he would get some tips on how to speak from Nigel.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

Morning dear’ I said ‘I was wondering if you had your mince pies in yet.’

‘It’s too soon’ replied Agatha

‘Too soon? It’s not too soon. John Lewis have their Christmas trees in.

‘We don’t do Christmas trees.’

‘I know you don’t do Christmas trees, I thought you might do mince pies though.’

‘If you want Christmas trees you will have to go somewhere else. We don’t do Christmas trees.’

‘I know.’

‘You could try John Lewis, they might do you a Christmas tree.’

‘I don’t want a Christmas tree.’

‘I’ve heard Lewis’s have their Christmas trees in.’

‘I know. I told you that.’

‘If you know Lewis’s have their trees in what you asking me for?’

‘I wasn’t asking you for a Christmas tree, I was asking for mince pies.’

‘It’s too soon for pies.’

I wonder if I need a Christmas tree.

Saturday, 24 September 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Angelina said 'you know that thing I said I wanted for our anniversary ... actually you needn't bother;
  • Owen said he couldn't be bothered to lead the Labour party anymore - it was a right faff;
  • John told Jeremy he had to keep leading the Labour party;
  • Victoria might be seeing Albert - I think I reported that a couple of hundred years ago;
  • it was a bad week for the Kardashians;
  • Karen might be the new Len;
  • Mary said she didn't like the look of Channel 4;
  • Paul said he thought Channel 4 looked like it had lots of money; 
  • some people started dancing on the telly; 
  • Pippa's personal private pics pinched; 
  • William and Kate are in Canada;
  • Kate said 'ooh look we can wear these big hats'; and
  • the Chuckle brothers are going to host the Bake Off.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

... and I was wondering if they had their mince pies in yet.

As Agatha collected my order I peered over the counter to see if there were any pies round the back.

'What are you doing?' demanded Agatha when she caught me looking.

'Nothing.'

'Are you looking at my ankles?'

'No, not at all.'

'You were.'

'I was not.  I wouldn't dream of looking at your ankles.'

'What's wrong with my ankles?'

'Err nothing ... I am sure they are very fine ankles.  Not that you can see much of them, you don't often see tights made of astrakhan.'

'I like to keep them well covered.'

'And the clogs, they set off your ankles.  You have very sturdy ankles ... yes that's it sturdy.'

'Do you want anything else or are you going to look at my ankles all day?'

'No I'm done thank you.'

Friday, 23 September 2016

Dear David - Bake Off

Dear David

Is it true that Fanny Craddock will be taking over from Mary Berry on the new bake off?

David Responds

I think people would like to see Fanny on the bake off, but as she is no longer with us I think it is unlikely.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Dear David - Brad

Dear David

I had just settled down to my egg and chips when the doorbell rang. Obviously I ignored it but now I've seen the news and I am concerned it was Brad and he left in a Blueline taxi without me opening the door.  I'm devastated what should I do?

David Responds

I think you are straying into the realms of fantasy here ... oh wait a minute ...

... what's this in the envelope ...

... a photograph ...

... I like these letters ... with photographs in them ...

... let's have a look ...

...a selfie ... ah...

Yes I thought so ... there you are in your armchair with egg and chips all over your face, you must have fallen asleep eating your dinner again.  I think you might have had a dream.

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David packed his job in; 
  • David said he is thinking of writing a book;
  • Theresa said 'Thank goodness he has gone'; 
  • they won't be baking cakes on the BBC next year; 
  • Mel and Sue packed their jobs in;
  • Nigel packed his job in - again;
  • someone you never heard of took over Nigel's job
  • some Spice Girls are going to judge's houses - I wonder if any of them will get through;
  • Orlando has gone blonde;
  • Steptoe won the Mercury Prize;
  • Hilary is feeling a bit better;
  • Hilary said her feet were still killing her though;
  • Renee went to a school reunion; and
  • the Pope went to hospital - just visiting. 

Sainsbury's

... still at the Patisserie ...

Agatha was calling for the manager  'Mr Arkwright! Mr Arkwright!'

'There is no need for that.' I interrupted 'I know you and the manager don't get on ... ever since he put you on a disciplinary because he said you arranged your finger doughnuts in an obscene and inappropriate manner.'

'Stop wafting that flour around.'

'I'm not wafting, it's more waving.'

'Well stop it.'

'I was only offering to sprinkle self-raising over your baps.'

'Well don't.  I can manage.'

'Ok, well I'll just have my usual.'

... I wonder if they will take this bag of self-raising back at the till.

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Dear David - CV

Dear David

I have just completed my CV and in the section about personal interests I have written 'reading' and watching films'.  Do you think that is enough?

David Responds

I would try and write a bit more - because all you have really said is you like sitting down and looking at things.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tom and Taylor split;
  • Mother Teresa became a saint - there must be something going on it was dead quick;
  • Mike had a pocket full of £50 notes;
  • Mike said 'eeh I didn't know they were in there';
  • some people made some bread - I like a large multi-seeded myself;
  • Theresa wants to take her granma to school;
  • Anne wasn’t very well; 
  • Sir Winston is coming back into circulation of a Tuesday; 
  • Jeremy and Owen had a bit of a chat; 
  • foxy has a big mouth;
  • Theresa said 'That Foxy'; and
  • some people did some dancing on the telly.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said as Agatha got my items.  Waiting I struck up a little conversation, 'I was wondering,' I started 'you are always doing things for me; like getting my multi-seeded and telling me you haven't any peach melbas left, so I was wondering if there was anything I could do for you in return.'

Agatha paused holding a peach melba in mid air 'What do you mean?' she asked as she narrowed her eyes suspiciously

'I was thinking ... maybe I could flour your baps.'

'I beg your pardon.'

'Your baps, I know you like them floured, maybe I could help.'

'If you don't stop I'll call the manager.'

'I don't mind.  I could get a bag of self-raising and sprinkle it all over your baps.'

'Mr Arkwright! Mr Arkwright!'

Monday, 5 September 2016

Mother Teresa

You might have see that mother Teresa was fast tracked to sainthood yesterday.

That was quick, the third fasted route to sainthood in history.

Why all the hurry?

Saturday, 3 September 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David had a pizza; 
  • Mel says she isn’t in the Spice Girls anymore – I thought they split up years ago; 
  • Rav is suing Splash; 
  • some people started dancing on Strictly; 
  • Donald is going to Mexico; 
  • Donald said ‘see if you can find out how much fence posts are while we are here’; 
  • Brazil isn’t going to have a President anymore;
  • David is going to do the Crystal Maze;
  • David isn't going to do the Crystal Maze - someone you have never heard of is doing the Crystl Maze;
  • Theresa is in China; 
  • Nick wrote a book;
  • David said he was glad he didn't have to go to those things anymore; and
  • Two people are going to be leaders of the Green party - maybe Labour could do that;

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ..

‘Morning dear’ I called

‘Morning’ she replied ‘I’m just getting your items ready.’

‘Has the vicar been in this week’ I asked casually

‘No not the vicar,'  Agatha took my multi-grain off of the slicer and put it in a bag 'but big Deirdre off of the library counter was round of Wednesday morning with the mobile library.’

‘Mobile library?  What mobile library, we don't have a mobile library?’

‘Oh we do, didn’t you know. They have a mobile library, comes round of a Wednesday morning.  Big Deirdre got her HGV so she drives it.  Then she does the counter and takes the returns. Saves me loads of time.  She brings the latest Catherine Cooksons and I save her a couple of melbas ... fresh ones straight out the oven. I put the cream and icing on myself … special like.’

'Oh well that's very nice for you both.'  I picked up my items and left

I think I have discovered a black market in peach melbas and Catherine Cooksons.

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Eugenie is getting married; 
  • Craig is going to be the new Len; 
  • Arlene thinks she is going to be the new Len;
  • Anton thought he was going to be the new Len;
  • Tom and Taylor had an argument - no way, who saw that coming; 
  • Leonardo rode a bicycle; while 
  • Richard fell off his bicycle; 
  • some Olympian athletes came back to the UK – I am not sure it was wise having them all on the same plane; 
  • some new people made some cakes – couldn’t see any peach melbas; 
  • Jeremy sat on a train – well not sat on a train … more sat in a train; 
  • Richard said his trains weren’t that busy; and
  • Richard has never tried getting out of Leeds at tea time of a Friday; 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Can I have a large sliced multi-seeded.’

‘Of course’ replied Agatha ‘I’ll just pop one through the slicer.’ Agatha loaded the machine and we stood quietly waiting as it sliced away.

‘Has the vicar been in today.’ I inquired, keeping my tone casual.

‘Er no not today. Although our Margaret says he was in of Tuesday morning buying a couple of Bath buns and some communion wine. Our Margaret says she had a bit of a laugh with the vicar pointing at the wine she said ‘eeh I didn’t know you used Prosecco for communion wine’. She said the vicar got all flustered and covered the bottle up with his Radio Times.’

‘Tuesday’ I thought … Big Deirdre off of the library counter does a half day of a Tuesday.

Agatha broke into my thoughts … ‘so are you wanting your peach melbas as usual?'

'Yes please.'

' … will that be one or two?’ she asked knowingly

‘Err I’ll have two.’ I confirmed

I can always put one in the freezer if the vicar is hanging out with his fancy new friend.

Saturday, 20 August 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Nigel got a mouse tache;
  • Theresa left Boris in charge of the country while she went on holiday;
  • Theresa said 'Don't break anything while I am away';
  • some more people won medals for running around dead fast;
  • Ryan had a few drinks;
  • Ryan broke a bathroom;
  • ran got robbed;
  • Ryan thought maybe he hadn't been robbed after all;
  • Alistair and Jonny got gold and silver;
  • Mo said 'What damn fool left a Lego brick there?'; 
  • Eugenie got a new flat;
  • Eugenie said 'What's rent?';
  • X Factor bosses are getting out their buzzers - or is that the other one; and
  • I think some people are still in the Celebrity Big Brother house - it is difficult to tell.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘I’ll have my usual.’

‘Rightio’ said Agatha cheerily then she paused.  ‘Your usual?’

‘Yes.;

‘Including the peach melbas?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you sure.’

‘Yes.’ I reiterated ‘Why are you asking?’

‘It’s just the vicar was in earlier.’

‘The vicar was in earlier.’

‘and he bought a couple of peach melbas.’

‘The vicar?’

‘Yes’

‘and he bought a couple of peach melbas?’

‘Yes.’

‘The vicar?’

‘Yes.’

‘What did he want with a couple of peach melbas?’

‘He didn’t say.’

‘Are you sure it was the vicar?’

‘It was either the vicar or a very large penguin.’ Tittered Agatha

‘A pengu … oh very funny.'

'What did he want with a couple of peach melbas?'  I repeated

'He muttered something about having had apple slices recently and he didn't like apples as they had connotations.'

'What else did he say.'

'Nothing really.'

'He must have said something.'

'Just something about a big Deirdre that works in the library and how he wondered if she liked peach melbas.'

'Oh did he now.  I wonder if the verger knows he is hanging around her off of the library counter.'

'So does that mean you won't be wanting your melbas this week.'

'Err no thank you, I think I'll leave it. Make it an apple slice instead ... a large one.'

Saturday, 13 August 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ed is going to do Strictly - is it that time of year again already; and 
  • Will is going to do Strictly as well; 
  • Some people got medals for jumping up and down and for riding around on bicycles dead fast;
  • some horses won medals as well; while
  • Louis fell off his horse;
  • Gordon had a make over - well a bit of a make over;
  • Michael got some more gold medals; 
  • Michael said ‘eeh I've got loads of these now';
  • Michael said ‘I don’t know where I am going to put all these medals; 
  • Peter bought Tom’s old house; 
  • Arianna is leaving the Post; 
  • Kate and William are in France again; and
  • Jeremy had a dance - well a bit of a dance. 

Dear David - Spanish Plume

Dear David

I've seen on the news we are getting a Spanish plume.  I am not sure I want one, i don't think I have anything to go with it.  What should I do?

David Responds

I'm not sure what a Spanish plume is but I don't think it is an item of clothing.

If it is clothing you could wear those voluminous pantaloons you wore last week in the Laughing Donkey, they should go ok.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Oh hello dear.’ I said ‘It’s nice to see you back in the shop.’

‘What do you mean, back at the shop?’ queried Agatha ‘I’m here every week.’

‘Last week you were in the car park at the back of ASDAs.’ I laughed

‘Ssshhh’ hissed Agatha ‘You never saw me at the back of ASDAs.’

‘I did.’

‘You didn’t.’

‘I did.’

‘You didn’t.’

‘I did.’

Agatha leaned forward over the counter and very slowly said ‘You … did .. not … see … me … at … the … back … of … ASDAs … last …. week.’

‘Err … aahh … no I don't think I did. I … err wasn’t even at ASDAs myself.’

‘That’s better. Now what do you want?’

‘Can I have my usual two peach ..’ Agatha interrupted me with a glare ‘err no not that … err make it a couple of apple turnovers.

It was only later I remembered the vicar doesn’t like apples, he says they have connotations.

Thursday, 11 August 2016

Dear David - Diet

Dear David

As you have, I have been on diet for a while with poor results and it got me thinking - why don't I just eat what you eat and I'll get slim. Could you supply me with an example of one of your daily menus?

David Responds

How clever of you to notice.

I’m not sure if I can help, I try to stay away from giving health and medical advice, it can turn into a right nightmare. Like that time I suggested Deidre from the library should get a budgie to cheer herself up because she was dead fed up and she got one, a blue one called Joey, but next door’s cat got it and she ended up in a worse state than she started.

She blamed me and I am not sure how it was my fault.

Oh what’s this in the envelope …

… its some sheets of paper …

… there’s writing on them …

…let’s have a look … where’s the first page …

… oh yes here it is …

… what a bold heading …My food … Monday …

… goodness what a lot pages there are …

Ah I think I can see a solution, why don’t you skip pages three to seven out of your daily intake – that might help.

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Dear David - Search ... again

Dear David

Thank you for replying to my letter yesterday, but you didn’t answer my final point .. am I deranged?

David Responds

Yes.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Dear David - Search

Dear David

I have a First World Issue I need your help with.

For over a week I have been trying to find a plate rack to sit next to my kitchen sink but apparently the financial crash of some years ago has ceased all production. The only one I have found was in Poundland but they wanted to charge me £5 for it, and I could only have it if I spent £1 on something else (how can a pound shop behave like this?). I've tried all over the North East even as far as Blackpool! No plate racks!

The staff at Sainsbury's were beyond useless - I went to find that nice Agatha on the Patisserie Counter (who you've written so much about) but the Manager denied any knowledge of her! She looked at me like I was deranged!

So David my question to you is simple - am I deranged?

Yours, a friend in need.

Ps - any suggestions where I can get a plate rack from?

David Responds

Oh what a lot of dilemmas.

I'm not sure why you need a plate rack, doesn't your maid keep on top of the washing up?  It might be easier to get a new maid than a plate rack!  lol - don't tell Tony Blair I said that.

I would keep out of that Poundland place.  I once bout a Twix in there and I said to the woman it didn't weigh anything like a pound and she got very cross.

Ah well, it depends on what day you went to Sainsbury's.  Agatha doesn't do a Tuesday afternoon or of a Thursday and when she isn't in they are a bit cagey about her.  The manager doesn't' like her, he says she gets too many complaints and they always run out of peach melbas of a Saturday and he has to spend the morning ringing round the other stores to try and get some brought in, and he gets dead fed up. So if you asked for her, you might not have been too popular.

What about trying IKEA? Although it will be a four mile walk to get to the checkout.

Saturday, 6 August 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people went to Brazil to play sports; 
  • William and Kate went to France on holiday;
  • Barbra is having some new concerts; 
  • Sam said 'Do we have to go on holiday to Cornwall again this year?';
  • David said 'Hell no pass me those holiday brochures';
  • David wore some shorts onthe beach;
  • the designer of the shorts asked David if he would mind awfully getting some other shorts to wear on the beach;
  • Boris went on holiday to Greece;
  • Boris wore some home made shorts on the beach in Greece;
  • Boris's nan wondered where her parlor curtains had gone;
  • Andy carried a flag;
  • Nicola was furious Andy carried a flag;
  • Anne said she didn't think Andy knew how to carry a flag; and
  • Colin has some grey hair.

Sainsbury's

I’m not at the Patisserie …

… I am in a windswept car park round the back of ASDA. It is 5 am and I’m not sure this is a good idea so I’m wearing an overcoat, dark glasses and something called a bean hat.

There doesn’t seem to be anyone around so I stand and wait. After a while a dirty white van screeches into the car park and stops next to the recycling bins.

A familiar figure gets out of the van and stands nearby.

I remember the agreed signal and reach into the still open side window of my car and flash my headlights twice.

I walk slowly to the white van and as I near Agatha I take off my sunglasses.

‘Hello dear’ I call I understand you have peach melbas on sale.’

‘What’s the password?’ demanded Agatha

‘Password? What password?’

‘You should have a password.’

‘I wasn’t given a password.’

Agatha sighed ‘Have you got any form of identification.’

‘Identification! You know it’s me.’

‘I have to have identification.’

‘Hang on then a minute.’ I rummaged around in my pockets and found my library ticket and offered it to Agatha.

Agatha’s eyes quickly scanned the ticket. ‘Oh you go to that library do you? I used to go there. Is the tall miserable one still on the front counter?’

‘Yes he is still there. I had a right argument with him the other week. He made me stand 20 minutes in the queue for the new Catherine Cookson and when I got to the front he said they didn’t have it in and to come back next week.’

‘That sounds like him. He is a right misery.’ Agatha looked cautiously over both shoulders and lowered her voice. Actually … I think I might have a copy of it in the back of the van. I can let you have it for a £1.’

‘I’m not sure’ I hesitated I’m a bit short this week. How much are the melbas?’

‘I can do you a deal.’

'Can I use my Nectar points?'

Agatha just glared 'I'll take that as a no then.'

Saturday, 30 July 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Duncan is going to do Hollyoaks;
  • Niall bought a new house;
  • Sherlock is coming soon; and
  • some Cold Feet people are coming back as well;
  • the Pope had a trip;
  • the Pope said 'what damn fool left that there?';
  • some people you never heard of went into the Celebrity Big brother house;
  • Hilary got nominated;
  • Charles and Camilla went to a school - Once ones one, once twos two;
  • Meryl might be playing Topsy next to Mary; and
  • Joan is going to be Joan
  • rhe Quen started her summer holidays;
  • the Queen said 'did we book half board or bed and breakfast?';
  • Charles went to a seaweed factory; and
  • Camilla said 'No, you are all right I've got shopping to do, you go on your own'.

Dear David - World Cup

Dear David

I have seen in the news that it is 50 years today since England won the World Cup.  Would it be too much bother for you to tell me how many times England have won it since then?

David Responds

Not too much bother no, it won't take long.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Morning' replied Agatha as she sprinkled flour on her baps.

I looked around cautiously to make sure no one could overhear.  I leaned into the counter ... 'I err hear ... you sell knock off peach melbas ...  three for a £1 in the car park at the back of ASDAs.'

'Who told you that' hissed Agatha sharply

'Err no one.'

'Someone must have said something.'

'Well it was just something Mavis off of the checkout said.'

'I should have known it would be her. She's got a big mouth.  What did she say?'

'Nothing really, she just mentioned that of a weekend after the pensioners have been in for the leftover bread and butter puddings you take a tray of peach melbas round the back of ASDA car park and flog them off.'

'That Mavis is looking for a fat lip.'

'Is it true  or not.'

Agatha hesitated ... 'I might be able to do you a deal ...

Monday, 25 July 2016

Dear David - Antiques

Dear David

I watch a lot of antiques programmes but i don't always understand what the experts say.  can you tell me what they mean when they describe the antiques.

David responds

Ah yes there are a lot of these programmes aren't there.  Here are some of the phrases the experts use and what they really mean:

  • family piece - tat
  • of its time - tat
  • Arts and Crafts - tat
  • sentimental value - tat
  • metal weight value - tat
  • highly decorative - cheap and nasty
  • collectable - common
  • very collectable - very common
  • much sought after - not sought after
  • charming - small
  • interesting - boring
  • should retain its value - won't sell
  • lots of interest - one person glanced at it
  • antiques expert - done a few car boot sales
  • Victorian inspired - made last week
  • no great age to it - on sale in Collectables.

Saturday, 23 July 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Angela decided she didn't want a new job after all; 
  • Owen said he fancied having a new job; 
  • Jeremy said there wasn't any job; 
  • Sam got a new job; 
  • Pippa's paramour popped practically perfect proposal; 
  • the Queen had a party before going on her holidays; 
  • the Queen said "tickets, money passport ... tickets, money, passport"; 
  • the Queen said "passport! ... where's me passport"; 
  • Theresa got to answer some questions: 
  • Cheryl and Liam got a dog; 
  • Theresa went to Germany and France – she must have a rail saver ticket; and
  • George was three - it only seems a year since he was two; and 
  • Hilary got a new friend. 

Dear David - X Factor

Dear David

I have just seen an advert for X Factor on tv.  Does this mean we need to plan our Christmas night out now?

C

David Responds

Oh is it that time of year already.  Yes I suppose we should give it some thought, I know how busy your diary gets at that time of year.

Although thinking about it we are running out of places to go.  Last year The Blue Raccoon told you not to come back after you called that barman a little pipsqueak and you would spifflicate him if you got your hands on him because you said he had tried to stiff you off a 10p in your change but you had forgotten they had put the prices up the week before.

And you were frogmarched out of the Laughing Donkey after that incident with the hula hoop salesman and the vol-au-vent, so I don't think we can go back there.

You won't go to the Community Center in case Deidre Hardcastle is on the bar after you borrowed her best blue cardi and put a hole in it with your woodbine and have been avoiding her ever since.

I could try the Rainbow Rooms but they don't open until 8 o'clock and I know you have to be back in the home by 10 or they lock you out.

I'll have a think about it see if I can find anywhere we haven't been thrown out of.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'I was just wondering if, now we are leaving the EU will you still be doing foreign items'.

'We have been discussing that' replied Agatha 'and in future we won't be doing Strudels, Danishes or French Fancies.'

'What about Madeleines?  I like a Madeleine.'

'Yes we will still be doing Madeleines.'

'Madeleines are French.'

'No they are not.'

'They are.'

They aren't.'

'They are.'

They aren't.  Our Margaret's daughter is called Madelaine and she isn't French.'

'That's not how it works.  Anyway French Fancies aren't French they are English.'

'No they are not.'

'They are.'

They aren't ... they are called French.'

'That's not the point.  Mr Kippling invented them and he is English.'

Agatha didn't look happy.

I think Brexit could cause chaos behind the counter.  I wonder if Waitrose has a Patisserie.

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Dear David - Football Manager

Dear David

I have just got a new job as a football manager. I am very excited.  Do you have any advice for me?

Sammy

David Responds

Oh how lovely for you. Which manager’s job is it ...

…let’s have a look see if it says in your letter …

… ah yes here it is …

… Oh … that job.

You might want to write your resignation letter now, it will save time later. I have a few old ones if you want to copy one out.

Saturday, 16 July 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Theresa got a new job;
  • the Queen said 'eeh how many Prime Ministers is it now I've had?';
  • loads of other people lost their jobs;
  • Boris got a new job:
  • Boris is now known as "Who has? ... Boris Johnson! ... you are kidding me";
  • Angela said she was thinking about getting a new job;
  • Deidre down JobCenter Plus said she hadn't had a minute all week;
  • David whistled a tune;
  • David said 'Did you keep that leaflet that came through the door last week from Dels Local Removals'";
  • Michael went into Waterstones to see if they had a 3 for 2 on;
  • David and George went for a cup of coffee;
  • David said 'eeh this time last month we were in that big room looking at menus for the Christmas party'; 
  • Billie was disheveled; and
  • Mick is having a baby - well he isn't his lady friend is. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was back at the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'I see you are back from holiday.'

'I'm back from holiday' replied Agatha

''You were off to Benidorm weren't you'.

'I was off to Benidorm'.

'You were in a hotel.'

'We were in a hotel'.

'You said you were doing all inclusive.'

'We went all inclusive.'

'Oh very nice' I said 'I bet it was a nice change not having to do all the cooking.'

'It was a nice change not having to do all the cooking.'

'You have got a bit of a tan as well.'

'I got a bit of a tan out there.'

I pointed towards the the bakery counter 'I'll just have my usual.'

'You will be wanting your usual.' she replied

'A large multi-seeded and two peach melbas.'

'I'll get your large multi-seeded and two peach melbas.'

I don't know what is the matter with her this morning I think she is on a time delay.  She must be still on European time.

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Dear David - Gove

Dear david

Should Michael Gove quit the Tory leadership race?

David responds

Ah ... yes ... well ... no I don't think he can.

He hates Theresa May with a passion and she hates him right back double, and he isn't over fond of the other one, (Andrea something, the one that is like a strict teacher and wags her finger at you if you don't agree with her).  So I think he is stuck with trying to get second place.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Dear David - Holidays

Dear David

Can I suggest that you both don't wear your white jeans at the same time on your continental holiday.

David Responds

Do I look like Barry Gibb?

As it happens I have been reading through a few David Niven biographies to get the latest styles for holiday wear.

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • England football players thought it was time to come back to England;
  • David packed his job in; and 
  • Roy packed his job in as well;
  • George was going to pack his job in but David said they both couldn't in the same week; while
  • Jeremy said he wasn't going to pack his job in; although
  • lots of his friends packed their jobs in;
  • Boris said 'What does it mean "I'll have to tell the truth about things";
  • Boris said 'What does it mean "It will all come out if you continue?";
  • Boris said he wasn't going to go for a new job;
  • Deidre down JobCenter Plus said she had been dead busy this week;
  • the Queen went to the Giant's Causeway;
  • the Queen went to Scotland;
  • the Queen must have a pensioner's travel pass; and 
  • some people played tennis.

Sainsbury's

At the Patisserie …

Agatha normally has my peach melbas boxed and ready to go … this morning there was no sign of my peach melbas on the counter ...

‘Have you not got any peach melbas this morning?’

‘Have I not got any?’ queried Agatha

‘Well no, I mean do you have any. It’s just you normally have them out for me.’

‘I wasn’t sure this morning … if you would want one or two … whether you were speaking to the vicar again.’

‘Ah, yes well there has been a bit of a rapprochement on that front.’

‘There has been a what?’

‘We are speaking .. well sort of.  As long as I don’t mention that mystery woman in a big hat that he was seen coming out of the Odeon with he is ok.’

‘Oh right’ said Agatha looking a little flustered as she busied herself getting my peach melbas.

‘Apparently ... ’I continued looking around and lowering my voice ‘she had a cape on.'

Agatha gave a startled expression ‘She had a chicken with her?’

‘Chicken? Ah no not a capon … a cape on.’

You said capon twice.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘You did.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘You did. You said ... not a capon a capon.’

‘There was a pause between ‘cape' and 'on.’

‘I didn’t hear no pause’.

‘Look I haven’t got time to bandy words with you this morning, I’ll just take my melbas.' and with that I was off.


Agatha is on holiday next week.

Friday, 1 July 2016

Dear David - Boris

Dear David

Do you fancy going halves on a card for Boris - it might cheer him up.  We could invite him to the Laughing Donkey on Saturday as part of our bash?

David Responds

It is very nice of you to think of others at this chaotic time, but I'm a bit skint and I don't think I could stretch to a card at the minute ... some of those cards can be a bit pricey.

As for inviting Boris to the Laughing Donkey, I am not sure this is such a good idea he will be a right misery.

I asked him if he wanted to go to Michael Gove's 'Surprise! Eeh you're going to run for Prime Minister party' and you should have seen the look he gave me.

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Dear David - MPs

Dear David

What is the difference between Labour MPs and Tory MPs?

David Responds

Labour MPs stab their enemies in the back, Tory MPs stab their enemies in the front.

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Dear David - Resignations

Dear David

I am the leader of a major political party and I have had loads of my team resign over the weekend.  I am that fed up.  Can you help?

anon

David Responds

Oh that is a shame isn't it.

Well I could give you a few hours a week if that would help.  Pop a few papers over and I will give them a once over.

... oh wait a minute ... I couldn't do of a Tuesday as of a Tuesday is my library day ... or a Saturday morning as I am a bit busy with shopping, but any other time, just let me know.

Monday, 27 June 2016

Dear David - EU Cucumbers

Dear David

Sorry for all my questions but I'm in all of a tiz about the serious implications Brexit is going to have on us and it got me thinking. Will we now get wonky cucumbers in the supermarkets?

David Responds

Oh I hope not.  I like them straight so I can file them evenly in the fridge next to my courgettes.  If they go back to being bendy I will have to put them next to my bananas, and that doesn't seem right.

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Dear David - Scotland and the EU

Dear David

I know your very busy of a Saturday but after the Brexit vote I'm thinking of emigrating to Bonny Scotland.  Will I need a passport or will a visa be sufficient?

David Responds

Oh yes I've had a lot of people saying that, you might want to try Aughtiemuchtie, I hear it's very nice. 

As for a passport, if that Nicola has her way you will definitely need one so make sure yours is up to date.

Navigating the local language can be tricky up there so I am sending you a copy of last year's Oor Wullie to give you a start.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Brad went to Le Mans for 24 hours - that wasn't long; 
  • the Queen won the three o'clock at Ascot; 
  • the Queen's pension goes straight to the bookies as soon as she gets it; 
  • Rory said he wasn’t going to Rio; 
  • some politicians told up how to vote; 
  • some politicians have never been off of the news for months – let’s hope they shut their traps for a few months now;
  • editors note ... this article was written before Friday's result, so scrub that last entry; 
  • David decided to pack it in;
  • David suddenly realised he didn't have to have cheap summer holidays abroad anymore; 
  • Boris could hardly keep the smile off his face when he said he would miss his dear friend;
  • Michael thought 'ooh I'll get a new good job';
  • Boris said 'Michael who?'; and
  • Boris said 'What do you mean what happens next?" 

Dear David - Passports

Dear David

Do you think we could have a funky new passport cover? I never liked my black one - I was thinking something glittery - could you arrange please?

C

David Responds

Oh I quite liked the old black one.

I am not sure about a glittery one though.  I had some glittery Christmas paper a couple of years ago and I am still hoovering up the glitter.

Glittery passports would make a right mess at Leeds Bradford, after a couple of years you wouldn't be able to get through the doors.

No I think the old black ones will be fine.

Sainsbury's

... at the Patisserie ...

'Just the one peach Melba?' queried Agatha as she paused forgetting the growing queue.

'Err yes, I'll just be needing the one this week.'

'I thought you got two because the vicar came around of a Saturday afternoon.'

'Err well yes normally, but not this week.  We've had a bit of a falling out'

'Oh' said Agatha suddenly interested as she put her tongs down and stepped closer to the counter 'What's happened?'

'Well nothing really ... we were having a chat over your flame grilled multi-seeded and I causally mentioned the verger had said he had seen the vicar coming out of the Odeon with a mystery woman. And I said 'oh I said to the verger I didn't think that was right, I said it was probably the choir master.'

And the vicar said that that was wicked and he was dead furious. And he said if he wanted to go to the Odeon with a companion he could and he didn't expect it to be all over the town.  And I said I was only saying what the verger said.  And the vicar stormed off and I haven't heard from him since.

Agatha looked behind her and leaned in closer to the counter, lowering her voice 'so ... eerr who was the mystery woman then ... did the verger get a good look at her?'

'No' I replied 'he just said she was tall and was wearing a big hat.'

'Oh I see' responded Agatha and with that she wrapped up my items and I was gone.

Friday, 24 June 2016

Nicky Morgan

Nicky Morgan was interviewed this afternoon following the resignation of the Prime Minister.  There was some discussion on the replacement and she said she would be taking the weekend to think about it and to sound out colleagues and constituents.

So while the rest of us are wondering what is going to happen to the country Nicky is already trying to work out what personal advancement she can get out of it

Dear David - Referendum Result

Dear David

There are so many questions this morning but nobody is asking the most important one - will we still be able to enter the Eurovision song contest?

David Responds

To be honest that wasn’t the first thing I thought about after seeing the news this morning, but now I think about it I don’t recall anyone mentioning it during the campaign. 

I think the best we can hope is that it is covered by Article 50 and we will have to stop going.

Thursday, 23 June 2016

Dear David - Referendum .. the last call

Dear David

I voted first thing this morning but I think I ticked the wrong box - I went back to ask them if I could have my vote back to check but the tall miserable one at the library that you are always on about told me to " go and do one" - do yo think you could pull some strings please?

C

David Responds

Oh dear what a shame.  I know the one you mean at the library, he is dead miserable he once tutted at me because I was a day late returning my cassette of the Gypsy Kings 'Down Mexico Way'.  He said there was a queue of people waiting for it and he made me stump up the 10p fine.  

What was your question again .. oh yes about your wrong vote, why don't you wait for the result and if there is only one vote in it write a strongly worded letter to the council.

Pointless

Question on Pointless ... name the famous 'William' author of Hamlet.

Answer: William Tell.

Bear this in mind when you are wondering about the referendum result.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Dear David - Debate

Dear David

Isn't this great debate on BBC a dead sexy production?

David Responds

They have spent a bit of money on it haven't they ... although I am sure I've seen that backdrop on the Antiques roadshow and those podiums have been on Pointless for the last six years.

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen went to the races - she is never away from the races, must cost her a fortune;
  • the Queen looked at the racegoers and said 'they aren't going to start singing again are they?'
  • Bob went for a sail on the Themes;
  • Bob bought a new loud hailer;
  • Bob put Farage under a barrage;
  • some footballers played football again;
  • Taylor and tom were in Rhode Island;
  • Rick got a number one album;
  • some people were in the Big Brother house - it is difficult to work out if it is a Celebrity series or not; and
  • I think someone left the Big Brother house;
  • William got wrong off of his nan; 
  • Justin fell through a trap door;
  • Justin said 'what idiot left that open?' and 
  • Tim said he thought it was time he popped back to earth.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Have you got any of that flame grilled multi-seeded you sold me last week?’

‘Flame grilled? We don’t do … oh err yes … no sorry we don’t do it any more, we got the thermostat mended .. I mean we stopped doing it.’

‘Oh that’s a pity, it was quite nice. Although the vicar said it tasted of charcoal. He said his cheese and lettuce I made for him tasted of charcoal. He said had I changed my chutney.’ He said Deidre that does the teas of a Tuesday does a nice cheese and lettuce … and he said she makes her own chutney ...’

Agatha interrupted ‘Can I help you?’

‘And I said well Deidre that does the teas of a Tuesday must have more time on her hands as I haven’t got time to make my own chutney.’

Agatha interrupted ‘Can I get you anything?

‘And I said who does that these days anyway … you can get just as good chutney from the shops …

Agatha interrupted ‘Do you want anything? I've got a queue forming.'

‘And the vicar said he was only saying …

‘Look do you want anything’ snapped Agatha ‘this is like listening to an episode of The Archers …

I thought that was a bit sharp ‘Oh' I said taken aback 'I’ll have a multi-seeded and one peach melba.’

She was in a bit of a mood this morning. I wonder what was wrong.

Monday, 13 June 2016

Dear David - Euro 2016

Dear David

I've been thinking about this EU immigration problem - if we stop the English football hooligans coming back we would have more room for immigrants who contribute to our society - please arrange.

David Responds

I am not sure I will have time to arrange anything - the way it is going they will all be back before the end of the week.

Saturday, 11 June 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen went to the races - she is never away from the racetrack; 
  • Novak won a tennis match;
  • some football players went to France;
  • Mike had a day out in the Houses of Parliament;
  • Philip got a 21 gun salute for his 95th birthday;
  • the Queen said perhaps a surprise 21 gun salute while Philip was drying the dishes hadn't been such a good idea;
  • the Queen went to St Paul's cathedral for a 90th birthday service;
  • the Queen told Philip he had to go as well;
  • Philip said he thought as it was his birthday he would give the service a miss and stay in for Homes under the hammer;
  • the Queen said she didn't care if it was his 95th birthday and Homes under the hammer was on, he was going to the service;
  • the Queen said she didn't know why Philip wanted to watch Homes under the hammer anyway;
  • the Queen was late for a service at St Paul's cathedral;
  • the Archbishop of Canterbury said he wished the Queen would get a move on as he had a wedding at half past; and 
  • Rod got a sirknighthoodship.

Sainsbury's

From last week … Agatha had disappeared into a smoke engulfed kitchen …

... I stood at the Patisserie counter waiting. Eventually the door opened and Agatha re-emerged carrying a loaf.  She walked to the counter quickly passing the loaf from hand to hand making 'oo' ow' 'oo' 'oo' 'ow' noises

‘Here you are’ she said as she placed the loaf on the counter.

‘What’s that?’

Agatha looked at the loaf and then at me and said ‘It’s your multi-seeded sliced.’

‘It’s all black on the top.'

'It's just a little singed.'

‘It’s black as night’

‘Err … it’s our new range … said Agatha as she brushed a few crumbs from the top of the loaf ... it’s err flame grilled multi-seeded.’

‘There’s no such thing.’

‘There is,’

‘There isn’t.’

‘There is,’

‘There isn’t.’

'There is ... Waitrose have started doing them.'

'Have they?' I was a bit doubtful.

Agatha could sense my hesitation.  'As it's you I'll take 10p off the price.'

'Oh well go on then, I'll take it.'

I like a bit of a bargain.

Friday, 10 June 2016

Euro 2016

As Euro 2016 begins, some wise words from a footballing expert ...

... "It is important you don't get beat".

Indeed it is, if only someone had told us that years ago.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Dear David - EU Referendum

Dear David

If we leave the EU how much extra money will we have to spend on the NHS.

David Responds

With so many words flying around on this subject I was trying to keep out of it, but since you ask ...

... at the start of the campaign the exiters said there would be £350 million a week to spend on the NHS.  A couple of weeks later this had gone down to £100 million a week.

At the weekend Boris said ... he was sure there would be 'something left for such things.'

So we haven't even voted and already the promises are being rolled back - Boris couldn't even say the words.

If you think Boris, Gove or Duncan Smith would spend a penny on the NHS you are deluding yourself.

Monday, 6 June 2016

Dear David - Euro 2016

Dear David

How long are the UEFA Euro 2016 championships on for?

David Responds

Until England have played three games.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Dear David - Grass

Dear David

I'm watching the ladies final of the French open and its got me thinking - how do they get their grass a pinky red colour?

David Responds

Is it?  I've never noticed ... let's have a look ... 

... now where is my  Radio Times to see what side it's on ... 

...ah yes let's see ... I'll just pop the telly on ... 

... let's have a look ... well it seems the same to me ... 

... oh no wait a minute mine's black and white ... I'll have to nip up to the High street and have a look in Radio rentals window, see if they have it on.

This might take a while I will get back to you.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • A magic Ian won Britain's Got Talent - sorry that should be a magician; 
  • Lionel said he didn't really look after his money, he paid someone to do it; 
  • the Queen got a new £5 note; 
  • Gordon hurt his foot; 
  • Calvin chucked Taylor; 
  • Harry didn’t wear a tie; 
  • David got cross on TV – it’s his own fault he started all this;
  • three people in FIFA got £55 million pay rise - isn't that a lot of money;
  • Matt was on the telly - he hasn't been on for ages;
  • Hugh wore some rotten shorts;
  • Arnold rode a bicycle;
  • Michael got a new orange pan stick; and 
  • Jamie might move from Leicester.

Sainsbury's

There was no one on the Patisserie this morning….

As I approached the counter I heard a shriek from beyond the kitchen door … and then running footsteps …

The kitchen door flew open and Agatha emerged engulfed in billowing smoke. She quickly slammed the door shut and pressed her back up against the door it to keep it in place …
‘What’s going on?’ I asked

‘Err nothing … just coming out of the kitchen.’

‘It didn’t look like nothing, there was billowing smoke.’

‘What’s “billowing”?

‘It is sort of clouds of stuff … like voluminous clouds.’

‘There was no billowing.’

‘It looked like billowing from here.’

‘Well never mind that’ said Agatha changing the subject ‘What can I get you?’

‘Can I have my usual multi-seeded sliced.’

‘Oh … you want bread.’ Agatha looked furtively towards the kitchen. ‘We have some bread rolls out on the shelves.’

‘No thank you, I want my loaf.’

‘You would. OK err hang on a minute.’ Agatha opened the kitchen door and disappeared inside, quickly slamming the door shut behind her …

To be continued …

Friday, 3 June 2016

Dear David - EU Referendum

Dear David

At the start of the EU referendum campaign Teresa May was right at the front of the discussion, but I haven’t seen hide nor hair of her since. Do you know where she is?

David Responds

Oh yes that’s right, now you mention it I haven’t seen her for ages. I’ll have an ask on the high street see if anyone has seen her round the shops.

Saturday, 28 May 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ant got a beard;
  • Louis got £250 million;
  • Louis got a new cup;
  • Louis got the sack;
  • Harry had a haircut;
  • Harry made a film;
  • William and Kate saw some flowers;
  • Beatrice and Eugenie went to a garden party;
  • Daisy and Thomas split up - no I have no idea who they are either;
  • Jose got a new job - think he is more of a Manchester than of a Chelsea;
  • the Queen is going to have a street party in the Mall for her birthday;
  • the Queen wondered if she could get away with re-using the bunting she got in for her 80th; 
  • Beyonce flaunted her curves at a concert - Beyonce does a lot of flaunting; and
  • Fifth Harmony couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.

Sainsbury's

I didn’t make it to the Patisserie before I saw Agatha this morning …

I had just got past dairy, cheese and meats when there she was on an aisle end.

‘Oh hello’ I said ‘What you doing out on the shop floor. They normally keep you behind the counter, out of harm’s way … I mean for hygiene reasons when serving food.’

‘They have given me a gondola to give out samples. Would you like a sample?’

‘Oh that sounds exciting. I like to try something new, what’s your samples?’

‘We have sample doughnuts.’

‘I don’t like doughnuts. They are all sugary and the make a mess.’

‘We have sample éclairs.’

‘I don’t like éclairs. The pastry is creepy.’

‘Meringues? ‘

‘I don’t like the way that meringue stuff crumbles. It's all dusty and makes a mess.’

‘I figured … what about a sample apple slice?’

‘I think apple slices are more of an autumn than of a spring.’

‘eerr let's see what else have we have … sample flapjacks?’

‘I think they are a bit modern for me.'

'That's all we have' confirmed Agatha

I was a bit disappointed as I like to try different things,

Thursday, 26 May 2016

Dear David - Facebook

Dear David

I've received a friend request on Facebook but I don't like the person - what is the etiquette in this situation?

I am likely to bump into them at some point - if they mention why I haven't accepted should I just be honest and tell them that I don't like them?

David Responds

Oh this is a tricky one isn't it.

It is odd that you don't like someone but they like you.  You must be one of those lovable, cuddly sort of people that everyone likes and is drawn to.

Oh hang on, I think I recognise the handwriting ... it's the green ink ... let me check the post mark ... oh yes it is you ... scrub that, you must owe them money.

Don't accept the request and give them a swerve if you see them in the street.

Monday, 23 May 2016

Dear David - EU Referendum

Dear David

I have been thinking about how to vote in the referendum and someone called Boris has been saying a lot.  He seems trustworthy and honest.  What do you think?

David Responds

You don't say which Boris you mean, do you mean the one that is a proven adulterer and has been sacked twice for lying, is that the one?

Saturday, 21 May 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen was 90 again;
  • the Queen made a speech; while
  • Jeremy couldn't be fussed on talking to David;
  • the Queen got an unexpected visitor;
  • the Queen said 'I've been dead busy recently';
  • Adele got an Novello;
  • Ryan and Russell went to see Nice Guys;
  • some people were wearing dresses at Cannes again - doesn't it go on a long time;
  • Richard is having problems selling his house - if only it had been a bit nearer the shops I might have been interested;
  • Justin wore a green shirt; and
  • Cheryl wore some glasses: 
  • Sam bought a coffee - it is exhausting being a celebrity.

Dear David - Dogs

Dear David

I have seen contactless dogs in the news, i think I might get one.  what do you think?

David Responds

What on earth is a contactless dog ... let's have a look on this Googlenet thing ...

... there might be something on there ...

... what do you press again ... oh yes this ...

...oh what has happened ... my screen has gone blank ... oh no it's ok ...

... there is something happening .. let's see ...

...oh yes contactless dogs, what a good idea, I might get one too.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said'

'Morning.  How were your cakes last week? responded Agatha  'They weren't electric were they?' Agatha tittered

'What!'

'What? What.'

'You tittered.'

'I didn't'

'You did.'

'I've never tittered in my life'

'You just did.'

'I didn't'

'You did.'

'I wouldn't know how to titter.'

'Well don't.'

'I didn't'

'Are you going to be sensible?'

'Yes'

'No tittering?'

'I promise.'

'If you can't serve me without tittering I want your Margaret to serve me'.

'I won't, I promise.'

'Alright ... have you got a pair of large bloomers?'

Agatha ran out the back shouting for 'Margaret come and serve this customer.'

I wonder what was wrong with her.

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Anne saw some glass;
  • some people are returning to X Factor;
  • Sheridan took some time off because she was exhausted;
  • Sheridan was as exhausted as a newt;
  • David was 90;
  • the Queen had a Chinese;
  • some people were in Cannes;
  • Julia didn't wear any shoes in Cannes because she said her plates were killing her;
  • Robbie hasn't been able to sell his £9 million house;
  • the Queen got a £70 Tesco voucher for winning a horse race; 
  • The Queen wondered if Tesco had a Patisserie;
  • The Queen asked what ‘No cash alternatives’ meant;
  • Lady Gaga is going to play Cilla – naturally, she was the first person I thought of to play her; 
  • Nicole isn’t doing Cats anymore; and
  • Andrew is furious about it. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘How can I help you?’ she greeted

‘I ordered my peach melbas online last week.’

‘Oh yes, I remember.’

‘Well they didn’t taste the same.’

‘What?’

‘My peach melbas, they don’t taste the same when you order them online.’

‘Of course they do.’

‘They don’t.’

‘They do.’

‘They don’t.’

‘They do.’

‘They don’t.’

Agatha leaned over the counter menacingly ‘Look they do.’

‘They don’t. They had a sort of electric taste about them. The vicar said he could definitely taste electricity in them.’

‘Rubbish.’

‘It’s not. Anyway I will just take my peach melbas with me this week.’ Agatha went out to the back to get my cakes…

… ‘and I don’t want any electric ones’ I shouted after her.

You have to watch them like a hawk in this shop.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Spelling SATs

A bit of embarrassment for the education secretary when the answers to today's SATs for spelling were published on line.

It might not be an issue as the data file was password protected.

The password is Onomatopoeia.

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen banned drones from Sandringham;
  • the Queen said 'What's a drone?';
  • some people wore metal clothes to a ball - what a funny thing to do;
  • the Queen said 'Well done Leicester city';
  • the Queen said 'Where's Leicester .. is it one of mine?'; 
  • Britney got a Billboard Millennium award - whatever one of those is .. I am sure it is very nice;
  • Harry went to Florida; and 
  • George got a hamster;
  • Beyonce sold some new tunes;
  • some people won elections and 
  • London got a new mayor; 
  • London's new mayor said he wasn't getting a cat - I thought the London Mayor had to have a cat; and
  • someone won MasterChef.

Dear David - Premier League

Dear David has an urgent message for the engraver of the Premier league trophy ...

... I before E except after C

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted

‘Oh it’s you’ she responded

‘I’d like to arrange an online delivery.’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘I’d like my online delivery every week.’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘Just my Patisserie items ...’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘Because they get crushed ...’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘That woman on the checkout is dead rough with my items.’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘Last week she sent my family Pavlova hurtling down the convey belt ...’

‘You have to do it online.’

... and it collided with my Italian hand picked grapes ...'

‘You have to do it online.’

'... and they were all crushed ...'

‘You have to do it online.’

‘So I’d like to order my items online in future.’

‘You have to do it online.’

‘Oh ... you should have said. I’ll have to go home now and do it’

I don’t think this online ordering is very convenient.

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Dear David - Mollie Sugden

Dear David

I have seen a pop art print of Mollie Sugden I like the look of, but it is dead expensive. Have you any ideas on how I can add to my art collection without it costing me a fortune?

David Responds

Ah yes I did see that – it is a sort of an Andy Worhol like the Marilyn painting.

I am not sure I can help as these things can be a bit pricey – I could knock you up a Una Stubbs version using half a potato and an old pastry cutter if you like.  Let me know.

Saturday, 30 April 2016

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Rita wore the same dress as Beyonce - well not the same dress, just the same dress; 
  • David made a commercial; 
  • Matt went to a pub in Hertfordshire; 
  • Kylie won't be going on tour with Jason; 
  • Victoria said she felt uncomfortable when she sang – makes two of us;
  • the Queen made a video;
  • Chris might be crocodile Dundee; and 
  • Mitchell and Webb might make a new programme;
  • James did This Morning - he isn't going to force everyone to make omelettes is he?'
  • Uma had a tab with a male companion - you read it here first; and
  • Melanie went out for dinner with Robert 
  • Ant got a beard - or had a lie in - I 'm not sure which;
  • Barak went to see David; and
  • Barak enjoyed causing a bit of mischief. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I greeted

Agatha re-arranged her baps as she stood at the counter ‘I’m sorry’ she said ‘I don’t have any Brand Match deals this week.’

‘I’m just as pleased’ I replied ‘as to be honest I can’t afford them.’

‘Do you want some macaroons again this week?’

‘Not really.   They are just the same as those coconut haystacks you sold me a few weeks ago.’

‘No they aren’t, they are different.’

‘No they aren’t.’

‘They are.’

‘No they aren’t.’

‘They aren’t what?’

‘err not different.’

‘They aren’t not different?’

‘That’s what I said.’

Sometimes I struggle to get any sense out of that woman.