Monday, 28 December 2015

Dear David - Christmas Food

Dear David

Is today the day I throw out all the food I queued for hours before Christmas to buy?

David Responds

Yes.  Traditionally this is the day Mary said 'Throw that milk out it will never go another day'.

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Frank and Christine got married - for a time I never thought she would manage it; 
  • Andy won Best Sports Personality - you see the BBC does have a sense of irony;
  • Joseph is a new apprentice;
  • Jay won Strictly; and
  • Miss Columbia won Miss Universe;
  • Miss Columbia got a crown;
  • Miss Columbia didn't win Miss Universe;
  • Miss Columbia had to give her crown back;
  • Sepp isn't allowed to play football for a while: 
  • Louis said he hoped everyone had a nice mince pie; and
  • Jenson got chucked.
a special Christmas Royal supplement
  • the Queen is at Sandringham for Christmas;
  • the Queen asked Philip for the tenth time 'did you post those cards like I asked you to';
  • the Queen said 'have you seen that gift set I got for our Camilla;'
  • Philip said 'what gift set?'
  • the Queen said 'you never listen to a word I say.  The set I told you about, that I got on a 3 for 2 in Bootses';
  • Philip said 'oh yes, the one you said would do for Camilla because it was the free one and you wouldn't really be paying anything for it;
  • the Queen said 'yes that's the one, now have you seen it?'
  • Philip said 'didn't you give it to the housekeeper in a panic when she gave you that cafetiere that you weren't expecting?'
  • the Queen said 'Oh god, that's right.  I'll have to go out for something else now'
  • the Queen said 'What time does Renees in the village shut of a Christmas Eve';
  • Philip said 'She will be closed now, she always shuts of a lunchtime of a Christmas eve'; and
  • the Queen swore. 


The Patisserie on Boxing Day ...

' I didn't think you would be open today' I said to Agatha

'We are open as usual' she replied

'I thought you would have been closed'

'We are open as usual'

'I thought you would have been closed, what with it being Boxing day';

'We are open as usual'

'I don't suppose you have much in'

'We are open as usual'

''What with it being Boxing day'

'You said that before'


'That it is Boxing day'

'I know, I thought you would have been closed'

'We are open as usual'

'I don't suppose you have much in'

'We have our full range available'

'I don't want much, what with it being Boxing day'

'We have our full range available'

'I bought extra last week'

'We have peach melbas' said Agatha temptingly

'Oh no, not for of a Christmas'

'Mince pies?'

'I can't afford your fancy prices, I'm on a pension'

'What do you want then'

'I thought you would have been closed'

'Actually' snapped Agatha 'We are closed,'  and with that she turned around her 'OPEN' sign and went out the back.

I knew they you would have been closed what with it being of a Boxing day. 

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people were in a new film about wars in the stars - and they had known each other years ago;
  • someone won the X Factor;
  • the winner of the X Factor had only ever wanted to win the competition all her life;
  • the winner of the X Factor is 12;
  • Dick was 90 - aww wigth Mary Poppins;
  • Jose got chucked at Chelsea;
  • Rita forgot Olly had been on X Factor;
  • Zoe had a kiss;
  • Justin is going to do the Brits;
  • the Queen went of her Christmas holiday to Norfolk - what a funny place to go; and
  • Jose picked the phone up a couple of times to check it was still getting a dialing tone.

Dear David - Christmas Weather

Dear David

Why is it so mild this close to Christmas?

David Responds

It is mainly caused by the warm weather.


There was no cheery greeting for Agatha at the Patisserie this morning ...

'You diddled me last week' I accused.

'"Diddled" is a big word' replied Agatha 'I hope you can back it up' she said with menace in her voice.

'You charged me for six mince pies but I only got four.'

'Ah well, there were administration costs to add'

'Administration costs!'

'You wanted a 'four' but we only do 'twos and 'sixes'.  I had to charge you for an 'unusual order'

'Unusual order!  That is outrageous I only wanted four mince pies.  It made them very expensive, they worked out at a £1 each.'

'That's what we charge'

'Mince pies are only 80p at ASDA.'

'Get them from ASDA then'

'They haven't got any.'

'Ah well' said Agatha 'When we haven't got any ours are only 70p.'

'Oh, well I'll come back when you haven't got any'.

I think I am beginning to get somewhere with Agatha.

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Dear David - Urgent Message ...

Dear David has an urgent message for C …

I am very sorry that you were upset at my response to your letter.  Thank you for sending me scanned copies of your Christmas cards but I think this does support my view. 

One of your Christmas cards is indeed a TV licence reminder (it says in red across the top ‘TV license reminder') and the other one seems to be from St Agnostica’s who I know send out Christmas cards to every household within a three mile radius.

I think you have overstated your distress as my response was not ‘plastered all over the internet’ and I don’t think you were subjected to ‘mass ridicule’ and ‘cat calls’ in the street.

I still maintain your postman was unlikely to have hurt his back delivering your Christmas cards.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Dear David - Christmas Cards ... again

Dear David

The post office have informed me that my postman is suing me as he put his back out delivering my Christmas cards. I don't think its fair as I didn't ask for either of them - what do u reckon?


David Responds

Even allowing for one of your Christmas cards really being your TV licence renewal that still seems like a lot of cards.

I think your postman might be having some amusement at your expense. I think it is what is called sarcasm.

How to explain sarcasm ... oh I know, re read this response.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Dear David - Space Station

Dear David

I have heard that they have put Twin Peaks into space.  How have they managed that then?

David Responds

Tim Peake.

Monday, 14 December 2015

Dear David - Star Wars

Dear David

I am going to see the new Sta Wars film later this week.  I haven't seen any of them before, what's it about?

David Responds

Oh that's a tricky one I haven't seen any of them either.

I think it is about ... errr some wars ... in the stars.  Oh and there is a puppet ... no not a puppet a robot I think.  And a gorilla I am sure I have seen a picture of a gorilla in it.

Yes, that is what it is about ... some wars ... in the stars between a robot and a gorilla.

Sounds a bit daft to me but do enjoy it.

Saturday, 12 December 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Kate wore a coat; 
  • Kate is from the south; 
  • Donald isn’t going to go to Israel until after he is US President; 
  • Donald might be waiting a long time to go to Israel; 
  • Donald is a ****;
  • the last person still watching the X Factor finally said I can't be faffed with it anymore;
  • Wayne might be going to china; and
  • Ryan might be going to Swansea;
  • Zayn got some new hair; and
  • Rylan and Emma are being poached to do X Factor 2016 - oh dear that doesn't sound very nice.

Dear David - Stamp

Dear David

I know you have been kidnapped and replaced by a doppelganger - please ask your kidnappers what will secure your release - they made the mistake of putting a first class stamp on your Christmas card to me - big mistake.

David Responds

I can confirm I did send you that post item.

Have a closer look at the stamp.  You might find the sovereign picture looks more like Queen Victoria than Elizabeth. They cost a fortune and I have a load of those old ones.


Agatha was singing a Christmas tune at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I called out. Agatha stopped singing mid phrase.

‘Have you got …’ I began and then paused ‘…some pant ones?’   I tittered as Agatha pursed her lips.

‘Sorry dear’ I said I am just joking. Can I have some of your Christmas mince pies.

Agatha shuffled her floury baps. ‘How many do you want, two or six?’


‘We don’t do fours’.

‘I was after four’

‘We don’t do fours’.

‘I was after four’

‘We don’t do fours. I could do you two twos and charge you for a six?’ offered Agatha

‘Oh marvellous’ I said I’ll take them’.

I think she is mellowing in her old age.

Friday, 11 December 2015

Dear David - Heathrow

Dear David

I am trying to make up my mind about whether or not to have a third runway at Heathrow. Can you help?


David Responds

Oh that is a tricky decision isn’t.

Since I think you have made up your mind to have a third runway, why don’t you put off announcing your decision until after the London Mayoral election so that all the tory voters who might be quite cross with you can’t do anything about it. You can then leave it to that Boris to sort out in 2020.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Manchester United FC

Exciting news for Manchester United fans, they have just qualified for the Europa cup … league thing.

This will bring Thursday night football to your screen …

…of a Thursday? Who plays football of a Thursday?

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Manchester City FC

I see that Manchester City FC, one of the richest football clubs in the world, has made a donation to a local charity.  How nice.

They have donated a box of last season's football strips, that they haven't been able to sell, to the local community.

It makes you feel all warm inside.

Monday, 7 December 2015

Dear David - Christmas Card ... again

Dear David

I saw your reply to my letter, but no really, it is a Christmas card this time. It has a Christmas rabbit on it.


David Responds

A Christmas rabbit?  There is no such thing as a Christmas rabbit.

If it really is a Christmas card then I suppose you should send one back.  Did it say which neighbour it was from - or is it anonymous. lol 

Sunday, 6 December 2015

Dear David - Christmas Card

Dear David

I've just got a Christmas card from the next door neighbours - what's the etiquette surrounding this situation?


David Responds

We have this discussion every year, that is not a Christmas card it is your TV licence renewal reminder. 

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry fell off his horse eating a polo - how odd; 
  • Cheryl danced on TV; 
  • Tyson won a boxing match;
  • Some people were evacuated from the jungle because the jungle was behaving like ... well a jungle; 
  • loads of people left the jungle - not sure there is anyone left in it;
  • Claudia is going to be Bruce at Christmas;
  • someone left the apprentice and he didn't need to;
  • Harry is in South Africa;
  • Steve was looking disheveled; 
  • Patrick hurt his shoulder;
  • some more FIFA people were arrested; and
  • Nigel got some sour grapes – what a funny thing to get.


The Patisserie was all festive this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I see you have all your Christmas decorations up'

'Yes' replied Agatha and we have a our full range of festive food in as well'

'Oh nice.  Have you got anything to recommend?'

'Oh yes' enthused Agatha ' we have some lovely pant ones in'

'Pant ones?  I inquired '


'I've never heard of them.  What are they'

'They are really nice.  They are Italian and they have sultanas in them'

'I've still never heard of them'

'They come from Italy'

'You said'

'Do you want one?'

'Can I have a look at one first?'

'Of course' she replied and retrieved a box from behind the counter.  'There you are' she said 'One of our best pant ones'.

'Ha ha' I tittered ... that's not a pant one ... it's a Panettone.'

Agatha looked cross.  'It's the same thing' she snapped 'Do you want one or not?'

'I'll take one. No' I corrected 'actually make it a couple ... I'll have a pant two'

Agatha slammed my purchase into a bag.  I think they may have dents in them.

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

Dear David - Golden Eagle

Dear David

I have lost my pet golden eagle and don't know what to do.  Do you think he will make his own way home?

David Responds

You have lost a golden eagle?  How the bloody hell do you lose a golden eagle?

Unless your eagle is a homing pigeon cross I am not sure he will make it home.

I have sent you a copy of my free leaflet 'How to look after a bloody big bird without losing it'.