Saturday, 28 November 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • some more people left X Factor - is it not over yet?; 
  • some people left the jungle, or joined it - I'm not sure which; 
  • Daniella got a job at a pie and mash shop;
  • Louis said Simon used to blame him for falling ratings;
  • Tyson sang a song;
  • Tyson was going to do some boxing;
  • the Queen is in Malta; and
  • so is the Prime Minister - not that one, the nice one;
  • Harry is in the Seychelles - must be winter;
  • Ant and Dec got cut off in the jungle - oh dear;
  • George suddenly found £27 billion - Boris and Theresa were livid; and 
  • Ola got chucked off of Strictly.

Dear David - Crisps

Dear David

I'm worried I have a stalker. Every Friday evening when I get to the supermarket checkout there are two bags of kettle chips in my basket - I don't put them there and I don't know how they get there.  I don't even go down that aisle!  Should I contact the police?

David Responds

Oh dear a stalker, that doesn't sound very nice.

I am not really sure what kettle chips are but they sound like a funny thing for a stalker to give you. You don't say if the items appear in your basket before you have gone through the checkout or after, but you might want to make sure you aren't paying for them. That would be funny ... yes very funny  ... lol.  No errr .. sorry no it wouldn't ... it wouldn't be funny at all.

What to do?  I'm not sure.  As far as I know giving people chips isn't and offence so I doubt the police would be interested.  Have you tried hanging around the meat counter?  You might get a couple of steaks. 


I was surprised to see Agatha at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I thought you might have been off today'

'Off?  Why would I be off?'

'Oh eerrr is just I heard you were in the Blue Raccoon on Thursday night'

Agatha's eyes narrowed. 'Who said I was in the Blue Raccoon, was it that Mavis off of the checkouts'

'Err no ..' I replied not wanting to get anyone in trouble.  'I just heard you were in that's all.  Were you not in the Blue Raccoon?

'Well yes' conceded Agatha 'I might have popped in for one on the way home from calling out at the bingo.'

'I heard you were still there at chucking out time at three in the morning.'

'Well it might have been a little late, but I don't think it was that late.  Can I get you anything?'

'I heard you were knocking vodkas back like a drunken sailor'

'Do you want anything?' snapped Agatha

'I heard you were doing a conga round the fruit machines and the big lad off of the door had to stop you climbing on the bar'

'Do you want serving?  I've a queue forming'  Agatha seemed a little tense

'I heard ...

'Look do you want these peach melbas in a box or do you want to wear them?'

Agatha didn't seem to want to chat any longer so I took my cakes and left.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Dear David - Christmas Party

Dear David

I have just bought my outfit for the works Christmas party and tried it on.  I have enclosed a photograph, what do you think?

David Responds

Is it that time of year again already.  Oh and a photograph ...

... I like these letters ...

... with photographs in them ...

... let's have a look ...

Wow ... who is this well dressed stranger?   Where did you get that suit from?  It's not often you see white scarves and kid gloves these days.  Is your party fancy dress and you are going as Fred Astaire?

I think you might be a touch overdressed for a do at the Blue Raccoon.  I have sent you a copy of my free leaflet 'What to wear on a night out when you go to places that are dead rough'.

Sunday, 22 November 2015

Dear David - Caroline Flack

Dear David

Has Caroline Flack got a full length mirror?

David Responds


Saturday, 21 November 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Danniella joined Tinder - thanks for the warning;
  • Olly got a bit mixed up on X Factor;
  • Harry seemed a bit quiet;
  • don't think Harry is that keen on Olly; 
  • Adele wore a hat; 
  • Olly asked Caroline if she would announce the loser next week;
  • Ant was 40;
  • Ant said 'eeh I'm always in Australia for my birthday;
  • Rita wore a dress that didn't show her under drawers;
  • Jamie isn't allowed to drive for a while;
  • Monica left X Factor, or Anton left X Factor - well someone left, ask Olly; and
  • Harry is going to do Christmas Strictly. 

Kit-Kats ... at Sainsbury's

Some excitement at Sainsbury's.

I noticed packs of Festive Kit-Kats on sale this morning.  Exciting to have a Festive version of my favourite biscuit.

I was keen to know what made them 'Festive' ... I now know ...

... it is a picture of a cartoon reindeer on the wrapper.

Life is one disappointment after another.


Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I said. Agatha picked up her tongs as she asked what I wanted.

I requested six of her floury baps and struck up a little conversation.

‘I was surprised last week’ I began ‘when you said you weren’t keen on Mog the cat’

‘Why?’ Agatha enquired

‘You look like a cat person, I thought you would have liked Mog’

‘I “look like a cat person” what does that mean?’

‘Well it’s the crochet tabard you have under your overall. I thought you might have made it yourself’

‘I wear a tabard under my overall because I am freezing’ snapped Agatha ‘because’ she continued ‘I spend half my day taking peach melbas out the freezer and putting them back in again!  Anyway, what is wrong with my tabard?'

'Well nothing, ... I faltered ... it's just it looks quite ... cosy ... and errr roomy.'

'Are you going to buy something or spend all morning ogling my tabard?'

I shuddered at the thought ... 'I'll have two peac...  ... eclairs.  Eclairs that is ... I'll have two eclairs.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Dear David - Christmas Presents

Dear David

I am struggling for ideas for a Christmas present for my friend.  She is really hard to buy for as she doesn't do much.  Can you think of anything I could get her.  She likes elephants if that helps.

David Responds

Oh I thought that said eggplants ...

... unless your friend is the Duchess of Argyll and has the space I'm not sure a lion is a good idea.

I will send you my free leaflet 'What to buy friends for Christmas that are dead hard to buy for'.

Monday, 16 November 2015

Dear David - Reality TV

Dear David

I am a rather well known TV presenter and I present reality shows   ... Lady Colin Campbell ... but all of a sudden I have started  ... Mason Noise ... shouting out names of people before they actually ... Sam Curry ...get voted off the programme.  Can you help?

David Responds

Not really, but I like to put a bet on now and again ... what was that name you said again?

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Dear David - Crisps

Dear David

I've just eaten a full packet of Kettle crisps and I can't even blame it on Christmas - what am I to do?

David Responds

Ha ha you are funny, who would make crisps that taste of kettles.

I suppose I better give an answer, let's have a look on this internet thing, see if I can work out what he is on about ...

... how do I get in again ...

... ah yes that little fox thing ... 'click' ...

... nothing has happened ... oh what was that  ... oh there it is ...

... what do I do again  ... oh yes I see ... I write in there ...

... oh you can get kettle crisps, goodness what a big bag.  What was the question again?

I am not sure the kettle crisps are a good idea - if you must have them, have only one a day ... crisp that is, not bag.

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Lewis packed it in;
  • some people were heading for the jungle - I have heard of some of them;
  • George was doing some charity work in Scotland - not that George, nice George;
  • Will was singing some tunes in Newcastle;
  • Terry wasn't well;
  • Dermot got an unexpected chance to be on the telly;
  • Dermot said 'I don't want your rotten development opportunity';
  • Dermot said 'which one is that, is it the tall one that does Strictly?'
  • Ricky isn't doing The Voice anymore;
  • Anne went to Cheltenham; while
  • Charles and Camilla were in Australia - they aren't going on I'm a Celebrity are they?; 
  • a load of people left the Apprentice and a couple left X Factor - if they keep this up the programmes might finish early and we will get some decent shows for Christmas;
  • the sound of barrels being scrapped could be heard in the jungle.


There were Christmas decorations at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said in greeting.  I peered over the counter and around out the back into the kitchen.  'Where is he then?  I asked

'Where's who?'  asked Agatha


'Mog who?'

'Not Mog who!  Mog ... your cat'.

'I haven't got a cat.'

'Not "your" cat ... "Your" Cat ... Sainsbury's cat. The cat on the telly ... the Christmas cat .. the one in the ad ... Mog ... your cat'.

'Are you taking drugs?'

'Nooo I want to see Mog'

'He's not here and I'm not having that rotten old fleabag in my Patisserie'.

Miserable old bag.

Friday, 13 November 2015

Children in Need

It was announced late last night that Terry Wogan isn’t doing Children in Need this evening as he is ill.

It does make me wonder which BBC TV presenter went into work this morning thinking … if that meeting this afternoon ends quickly I can do a bit of a flyer, only for their manager say … Err have you got a minute, I have a bit of a development opportunity for you ...

Thursday, 12 November 2015

Dear David - ASDA

Dear David

I have just found out ASDA aren't having a Black Friday sale this year. I am upset as I was going to get a new TV, what can I do?

David Responds

Oh yes I was a bit disappointed when I heard ASDA had cancelled the Black Friday sale this year.  

The sale is the start of Christmas for me.  I do look forward to the 6 o'clock news item showing some ne'er do wells rolling on the floor desperately holding onto an 85" TV costing £10 made by a manufacturer you have never heard of.  

As to what to do ... perhaps paying a proper price for a TV that works might be worth thinking about.

Monday, 9 November 2015

Dear David - Mustard

Dear David

I was hoping you could help me with a problem that has been keeping me awake at night.

When I buy mustard, sometimes I buy Dijon mustard and sometimes I buy French mustard.  But Dijon is in France so why isn't mustard all just French mustard or just Dijon mustard?

David Responds

That has been keeping you awake at night?  Do us all a favour ... buy English mustard

Saturday, 7 November 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Two people left X Factor - all that bother and then it's over in an hour;
  • Adele is still banging on about how fabulous she is and how great her new tunes are; 
  • Adele relaxed after the first episode of X Factor when she realised there was no up and coming competition; 
  • Ellie has a new irritating tune out; 
  • Adele says her tune is nothing like Tom Waits song;
  • Adele says she was inspired by Tom Waits song - tahts what the call it these days 'inspired by' not copied off';
  • Ed passed his driving test;
  • some people are going into the jungle;
  • Elvis has got some new tunes out - how's he managed that then?;
  • Jessica is sportswoman of the year;
  • Debbie has written a new book; and
  • Sharon got a new face - well she was due a one.


The Halloween decorations were still up at the Patisserie ...

'What's all this lot? I queried as Agatha said hello.

'It's our Bonfire Night decorations'

'Bonfire Night decorations?  There is no such thing' I laughed

'There is'

'There isn't'

'There is'

'There isn't'

'There is'

'Go on then explain that one' I said pointing out a fur black cat.  'How's that got anything to do with Bonfire Night?'

'Well ... eerr it's sort of bonfire nighish'

'No it isn't'

'It is'


'Well errr Guy Fawkes ... eerr ... he had a cat'

'No he didn't'

'He did'

'He didn't'

'He did - how do you know he didn't'

'You don't go around blowing up the Houses of Parliament and take your cat with you'

'You might ... if you had no one to look after it'

'Now you are being daft.  Anyway Bonfire Night was two days ago.  You are just trying to flog off your Halloween left overs.

'You won't be wanting these peach melbas on offer then.  I'll put them out the back'

'Ah well no, since you have them, I'll take a couple off you'.

Thursday, 5 November 2015


A BBC news reporter told us some story effecting 20,000 people.

To demonstrate how big an effect this was she told us it was the equivalent to the population of a small town.

Presumably a small town of 20,000 people.

Christmas Gathers

Christmas gathers and I have just heard an advert tell me excitedly 'Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the latest technology'.

Without the latest technology, that is exactly what Christmas would be.

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Dear David - Bonfire Night

Dear David

I am off to a Fireworks display tomorrow night and I have bought a new outfit especially for the occasion. Photo enclosed. What do you think?

David Responds

Oh is it that time of year already.

I like these letters … with photographs in them …

… taking it out of the envelope …

… let’s have a look … see what I think of your new outfit ….

Good lord where did you get that from  … don’t sit down and keep moving.