Saturday, 31 October 2015

Halloween II

I almost had a Halloween caller tonight.

I heard footsteps on the path outside and then someone say 'Don't go there, that's where the miserable old b lives'.

I think they got me mixed up with old Mr Smith at the other end of the street.  It's a bit harsh on him though, he isn't that bad.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Frank got an Oboe - what a funny thing to give a footballer;
  • William and Kate went to see James;
  • Harry went to America;
  • Louis got chucked out of a Newcastle hotel;
  • Phil is going to start singing again - he wants to spend less time with his family;
  • One D completed their world tour;
  • some people were playing in a rugby final;
  • Chris was doing that TV programme about a Friday again- that I didn't understand the first time around; 
  • Adele says fame hasn't changed her;
  • Adele just bought a new £100,000 car; and
  • the X Factor is about to start for proper - don't think I can be bothered now.


The Patisserie was in full Halloween mode as I approached this morning …

I stifled a small scream when I saw Agatha. ‘Goodness what a fright’ I said ‘Have you been putting make up on?’

‘No’ she snapped ‘I’ve taken it off.

Friday, 30 October 2015

All Hallow’s Eve

In preparation for Halloween I have bought a sweet to give to callers wishing to mark the occasion. There are conditions to me handing over this small gift:
  • only callers on the actual night will be considered; 
  • no Americanisms of any sort will be entertained - All Hallow’s Eve existed long before America was invented; 
  • only correct depictions of the commemoration of All Hallows will be accepted; 
  • all salutations of ‘Happy Halloween’ will be disregarded.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

Phil Collins

You might recall Phil Collins retired from the music industry a few years ago.

He has now decided to record some new music and start touring again.

In an interview, he said he wanted to spend less time with his family.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Dear David - Guys

Dear David

Someone at work referred to me and a team mate as ‘you guys’. Is that acceptable?

David Responds

Oh dear how awful. No the term is not acceptable in any scenario.

Do you work with some city slickers or some Apprentice types? Or perhaps your colleague is American?  That might explain it.

I suggest having a quite word with the offending colleague. Suggest they calm down and take a look through an English dictionary to see if they can find a word that is a little more civilised.

Monday, 26 October 2015

Ryan Thomas

Ryan Thomas (a Coronation Street actor) has been fined after a drunken altercation at a Bowness nightclub.

Shocking ... Bowness has a nightclub?

Saturday, 24 October 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Xi went to see the Queen; but
  • Charles was a bit busy and said he didn't have time to pop round; and
  • Jamie went to see David;
  • Xi said I wish the Queen's Geordie footman would stop calling me 'Whoo Yee' my name is Xi;
  • all the seats were taken on X Factor - is it going to start now?;
  • Marty came back from the future ... or the past - I never understood the third one;
  • someone left the Apprentice;
  • Adele is flogging a new tune; and
  • Daniel has a new movie out;
  • the Queen said 'do the clocks go back or forward this weekend?'
  • Philip said 'you ask me that every year' and
  • some people wee thinking about going into the jungle.


Adele has been doing a lot of interviews in the last few days.

In one interview she is reported to say she had her doubts that Sam Smith wrote the new bond tune in 20 minutes (as he claims).

Actually what Adele said was 'Cor blimey love a duck, what you on about me old treacle, yo'r have in a laugh in't yeh ...  gerrr out 'f my pub'.


Agatha was arranging her bloomers at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'What's all this?' I asked pointing at the decorations around the stand.

'It's for Halloween' she said 'We are doing scary eclairs, scary sly cakes and scary apple turnovers.'

'What's scary about that?'

'They have little icing cobwebs on them'

'That's not scary'

'Have you seen the mark up on the price?'

Friday, 23 October 2015

Dear David - Birds

Dear David

Now autumn is here, birds seem to love my fat balls - they can't get enough - can you suggest anything else I could give them?

David Responds

I think you have sent your letter to the wrong place.  Why don't you write to Denise Robertson she does the smutty sort of letter … oh hang on … oh I see you are doing, you are using a … what is it? ... not a nom de plume … a double entendre, yes that's it, a double entendre.

Eeh that makes me laugh, I remember this time I had a letter off of Kenneth Williams and he said ... oh well never mind ... what was your question again ... oh yes birds - get some Trill. They love that. 

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Dear David - Christmas ... again

Dear David
I was devastated to see you weren't launching your Christmas Helpline this year.  I'm that upset I haven't slept all night.  What can I do?
David Responds

We have this every year, there are lots of things you can do.  I have sent you a copy of my free leaflet How to enjoy Christmas when you are dead miserable and haven't got any friends.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Dear David - Christmas

Dear David

When are you opening your Christmas emergency Hotline?

David Responds

What Christmas emergency Hotline?  I don't have a Christmas emergency Hotline.

Oh wait a minute ... who is this letter from ... Let's check the address ...

I should have known, the green ink is a dead give away.

Look we have this bother every year, you are nearly 80, if you haven't worked out Christmas by now I wouldn't bother.

Monday, 19 October 2015

Dear David - Steel

Dear David

I have heard a lot in the news about steel made from china.  How does that work then?

David Responds

...made in China.

Saturday, 17 October 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Joey isn't going out with Perrie;
  • some people were trying to sit on a seat in X Factor; while
  • someone who had a seat said he didn't want it anymore; 
  • some new people wanted to be an apprentice;
  • Stephen isn't doing QI anymore;
  • Sandi said she would give QI a go;
  • two people won't be an apprentice - already;
  • Ant was 40;
  • William and Harry did some DIY;
  • Andy and Fergie's house was pulled down; and
  • Chris is doing an old programme again; while 
  • X Factor trundles on - and it hasn't even really started yet. 


There was a box on the counter at the Patisserie when I got there this morning ...

'They are all ready for you' said Agatha by way of greeting

'What are?'

'You're peach melbas'

'What peach melbas?' I asked

'The ones you have every week - I have them all ready for you ... so you don't need to hang around.'

'Ah well ... '

'What "Ah well"?'

'I don't want peach melbas this week.  I thought I would have some mince pies.'  Agatha snatched up the box and put it behind the counter.

'Which mince pies do you want?  A pack of four or a pack of six?'


'We don't do twos'

'Can I not have half a pack of four?'


'A third of a box of six?'


Agatha's hand hovered over a pack of four.

'Not those ones' I said 'They look burnt'

'They are all the same.  Are you going to keep this up until Christmas?'

I wonder what she meant by that.

Friday, 16 October 2015


In another sign of gathering autumn I see Whittard of Newcastle have decorated their store with Halloween pumpkins.

How I remember those scary childhood tales of ghouls and ghosts hanging around coffee merchants to buy half a pound of best arabica and a packet of biscoti.

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Dear David - Patisserie

Dear David

I work at a Patisserie at a ... well let's just call it a supermarket.  I get this customer in every week and he is dead annoying, he always asks for things we haven't got and I can't get rid of him.  I am dead fed up.  Can you help?


David Responds

Oh that is annoying isn't.

I know how awful it can be dealing with awkward customers, you should see some of the riff raff that sends  me letters.

You need to be careful as your employer might get a bit cross if they think you are turning away customers.  I assume you have done all the stock things; like saying 'if it's not on the counter we haven't got it' and 'we don't do them anymore - there is no call for them.'

If that doesn't work, as it is Halloween coming up, why don't you wear a scary mask - that might frighten him off. (laoj).

Monday, 12 October 2015

Dear David - Found Money

Dear David

I found £10 note on the street - there was nobody in the immediate vicinity to ask if they had dropped it.  I now feel guilty that I picked it up.  What do you think I should do with it?

David Responds

Oh this is a tricky moral dilemma isn't it?

I suppose you should try to find its rightful owner.  Are there any distinguishing marks on it, a name or maybe an address?

Oh I have just noticed you have enclosed a photograph with your letter ...

... I like these enquiries ...

... with photos in them ...

Let's have a look at the photo ... oh there's you in the street.  It looks cold out.  Isn't that a nice duffle coat you are wearing ... and long too.  What's that in your hand?  Oh yes I see, it's the £10 note you just found.  Are you wearing a hat?  It looks like one of those hats Omar Sharif wore in Dr Zhivago ... let's have a closer look ... ah no, it's your hair.

I suppose you could give your found £10 to a policeman but I think you deserve a make over.  Why don't you treat yourself and we will pretend you never told me about your little find.

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Brendan got sacked;
  • Brendan went to Spain on holiday;
  • Robert wore a tie;
  • Iwan was first to leave Strictly;
  • some people took turns to sit on six chairs;
  • Nadiya won the Bake off; while
  • Iwan left Strictly;
  • Cresasida is seeing someone else now;
  • Sepp got suspended; and 
  • the one that was the manager at Newcastle is now the manager at Sunderland; and 
  • Jurgen is going to manage some other team;
  • some people played rugby in Newcastle;
  • X Factor trundles on - feels like it has been on for months and it hasn't really started yet; and
  • Theresa wore a dress that should have come with a scarf


I had a complaint to raise at the patisserie this morning ... I dispensed with the pleasantries.

'Last week you you didn't give me the brioche I asked for'.

Agatha was startled 'I did' and she glared at me daring me to contradict her.

'You didn't'

'I did'

'You didn't'

'I did'

'You didn't.  What you gave me was pain au chocolat'

'It's the same thing' she dismissed

'It isn't.  The vicar was very dismissive, he said "oh how lovely, I've never had a bar of chocolate with a bread roll before".  he laughed and then said "Have you been watching Jeremy Kyle?"  It was very embarrassing.'

'What a lot of fuss' retorted Agatha

'Never mind that, just make sure you put brioche in the box" Agatha got my items.

'Anything else?'

'I'll have two peach melbas ... oh and make sure you don't give me eclairs instead'

That told her.

Monday, 5 October 2015

Dear David - Football Manager

Dear David

I am a manager of a rather successful football team but I’ve just been sacked.  I am dead fed up.  Can you help me get a new job.

David Responds

Oh dear what a shame about your job.  I’m not sure what to suggest really, do you know anything about rugby?

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Marty is making a new film - I think this is the fourth one;
  • Dame Julie was 80;
  • Zac wants to be the new Boris; while
  • Boris wants to be the new David;
  • Tom and Dustin got engaged
  • Sepp says he isn't going to pack it in;
  • Sepp said no thanks he didn't want to charge his burger and coke to his Visa card;
  • Jaime bought a house for £1.75 million - ooh that is a lot of money;
  • Angela might be getting a Nobel prize;
  • some rugby players played rugby;
  • the finalists of the Bake off were announced;
  • Bridget is on her way back; while
  • Janet postponed her tour. 


Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'I need a special cake for a 50th birthday this week' I said by way of greeting.

'Oh yes' said Agatha looking interested and attentive

'Yes, a chocolate cake.  With chocolate pastry.'

'Chocolate pastry.' repeated Agatha

'Chocolate ganache' I continued

'Chocolate ganache' she confirmed

'Chocolate sprinkles'

'Chocolate sprinkles' she echoed

'Chocolate buttons'

'Chocolate buttons' she listed

'Chocolate frosting'

'Chocolate frosting'

'Can you make one?' I queried excitedly

'Well more or less' responded Agatha 'we can make what you want apart from one thing.  We haven't got any chocolate.'

My heart sank. 'Make it two peach melbas.'