Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Dear David - St James's Park

I notice they are putting big goal posts up at St James's Park.

I suppose if they only put the big ones up at the visitors side it might help. 

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Cameron

I know it is a while past, but I recall at the time of the Scottish Referendum, David Cameron was worried that if there was  'No' vote he would be remembered in history as the Prime Minister who broke up the UK.

If there was another referendum in the future and it went the other way this time ... to be fair ...... I still don't think that is what he would be remembered for.

Monday, 28 September 2015

Dear David - Supermoon

Dear David

I am very worried about the Supermoon. If the supermoon happens does it mean it is the end of the world?

David Responds

If you are reading this … No.

Saturday, 26 September 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Francis went to Cuba;
  • Francis met Fidel;
  • David said 'No thanks, I don't want a bacon sandwich - I couldn't face one';
  • David has been able to save himself sending one Christmas card this year; 
  • Freddie said he didn't flee; while 
  • Kanye is running for President;
  • the Pope popped into America;
  • Jodie just got back from honeymoon;
  • Louis might be doing X Factor again;
  • the Strictly people started for real;
  • James won Celebrity BB;
  • Kate went to prison - just visiting though;
  • Jeremy is going to talk to some people in Brighton; and
  • Sam released a new song.

Dear David - FIFA

Dear David

I am the head of a large international football association, but I think I might have to pack my job in next week.  I am looking for a new job.  Any ideas?

David Responds

Oh that is sad ... never mind.

I hear the position of head of IT development at VW might become free soon. Why not have a bash at that, it doesn't seem very difficult.

Sainsbury's

at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted Agatha 'I have a special order today, I'd like a religieuse a l'ancienne.'

'You want a what?' queried Agatha

'A religieuse a l'ancienne'

'What's one of those when it is at home?'

I described my patisserie treat ... 'It's made of choux fingers - like eclairs - and built into tower ... sort of nun shape ... it's religious ... and err sort of old.  It's a ... religieuse a l'ancienne.

'You want some old choux fingers for a nun?'

'No' I said and repeated the description of my order.

Agatha thought about it for a moment or two. 'We haven't got any. I could do you a plate of gingerbread men wearing habits?'

'It's not the same.  I'll have a couple of peach melbas.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Dear David - VW ... again

Dear David

I tried turning my PC off and back on again ... but it didn't work.  Any other ideas?

David Responds

I have had a quick look at your software and I'm not surprised you are having problems.

I think one of your formulas has an error in it, every time I tried different calculations it came back with the answer 'zero'.

I even tried putting Christmas budget in and it gave the answer £2.23 ... and I don't think that can be right.  I can''t think of anything I would spend 23p on.

How did your software get through Testing?

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Dear David - VW

Dear David

I am the head of a rather large car manufacturer.  We have some new software but I can't get it to work ... it looks dead complicated.  Do you know anything about computers?

David Responds

Ah yes software can be a bit confusing ... and very annoying when you can't get it to work.

Why not pop a copy on a disc and send it to me and I will have a look at it, I'll see if I can get it to work.

In the meantime have you tried turning your computer off and then back on again?

Monday, 21 September 2015

Dear David - Rugby ... again

Dear David

I want ears like a rugby player.  Can I achieve a similar look without playing rugby?

David Responds

I'm not sure ... what are your ears like now?

Oh hang on you have enclosed a photograph ...

... I like these letters ... with photographs in them ...

Let's have a look ... getting it out of the envelope ...

It's not a very good photo is it ... it's a bit hazy ... It looks like your wearing one of those Sherlock Holmes hats with the ear flaps fastened.

Let's hold the photo by the window ... see if I can get a bit more light on it ... that's better ... I can see you now.

Oh ... you're not wearing a hat.

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry got a new beard - well he grew one, he wasn't given one as a present;
  • Mary might be doing Bake off in America - careful Mary, look what happened to Paul;
  • Tim got chucked off of Bargain Hunt;
  • some people came to England to play rugby;
  • some Americans said Ant and Dec were dull;
  • some people were surprised that a couple of Geordies on America TV wouldn't be understood;
  • Bear got a new house;
  • Anne is going to be the new Mary ... or Julie;
  • Gina is getting a divorce;
  • Elton got a phone call - or maybe he didn't;
  • the Queen is getting a Bentley 4x4;
  • Harry has written twenty songs; and
  • William sat next to Joss; and
  • Kate isn't going to build a sea wall.

Dear David - Rugby

Dear David

I'm quite enjoying the rugby but I don't have a clue what is going on.  Could you explain the rules in terms I can understand?

David Responds

Oh yes I have seen this advertised on the television,  .. give me a couple of hours and I will check it out and let you know ...

... well I have watched a couple of games for you and it is quite complicated isn't it.

From what I can make out there are some people and you have a couple of teams ... and a ball and some posts ... and I think you have to get the ball from one side of the field to the other.

I am not sure what happens next I think you are supposed to try and score a goal but it all seemed a bit vague as I didn't see any goalkeepers ... having said that it didn't seem to matter as they were all miles off.

I will watch a couple more see if it gets a bit clearer.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was on the counter at the Patisserie this morning ..

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll try a game pie this week'

'What's that?'  she queried

'It's a pie with ... err .. game in it'

'What's game?'

'Well ... err it's your rabbits'

'Rabbits!' exclaimed Agatha

'and pigeon

'pigeon! shrieked Agatha

'and wigeon'

'pigeon?  You said pigeon'

'No not pigeon, wigeon'

'What's wigeon?' asked Agatha

I paused

'You don't know do you' taunted Agatha

'I do! It's errr ... it's sort of pigeoney but more ... err . wigeoney'

'So ...you want a pie with rabbits in?'

'Yes'

'and pigeons in?'

'Yes'

'and wigeons in?'

'Yes'

'We haven't got any.'

Miserable old bag.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Dear David - Labour Leadership ... again

Dear David

I have just taken over leadership of a political party.  I am very excited, but I think I might have to have a lot of contact with the media.  I don't like the media.  Do you have any tips for me?

J

David Responds

I think I know who you are and you are right, you will be in the media a lot.

Not sure I have a lot of advice for you but when referring to yourself and your deputy you might want to use your full first name and insist the media puts your name first.

Monday, 14 September 2015

Dear David - Labour Leadership

Dear David

Were you surprised by the Labour leadership result?

David Responds

I was very surprised ... I found out I was 10 years older than Tom Watson.

Saturday, 12 September 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David is thinking of becoming an actor; 
  • David might be the next James;
  • Louis might do X Factor - has he not already done it?;
  • Adam has a bad neck;
  • Sam is going to sing a song about James;
  • Mark broke a bone in his foot;
  • David Guetta is going to play for Manchester United;
  • Jeremy wore some shorts - it is news apparently;
  • the Queen has been knocking around for a bit;
  • someone became leader of the labour party; and 
  • X Factor is struggling already.

Lady Chatterley's Lover

Watched a Gogglebox item on Lady Chatterley's lover.

'Ooh isn't it romantic' gushed the reviewer.  'It is just like something out of a book'.

... Well yes, I suppose it is ...

Sainsbury's

Agatha was on Patisserie this morning ...

'Can I have a frangipane?'  I asked

'You get them off of kitchenware' replied Agatha

'Do you?  I queried

'Yes they are next to the saucepans'

'Not frying pan ... fangipane'

'Oh like the filling?'

'Yes'

'Flavoured with almonds?'

'Yes'

'And used in a variety of cakes and pastries?'

'yes'

'We don't do them'.

Friday, 11 September 2015

Dear David - Labour Party Leader

Dear David

I am thinking about taking over the leadership of the Labour party at the weekend and wondered if you had any advice for me?

David Responds

Oh how lovely, that will be nice.

I don’t really keep up with politics so much these days ... what happened to that nice Mr Wilson, does he not do it anymore?

As for advice … I’m not sure …. Err … I think you have to go outside a lot so what with winter coming, why don’t you get yourself a nice warm overcoat.  And shoes.  I think you have to do a lot of walking up and down, so comfortable shoes are a must.

Do have a nice time and let me know how you get on.

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

The Queen ... again

To mark the occasion of the Queen becoming the Britain's longest serving monarch, Dear David has been granted a special interview with Her Majesty the Queen.

The interview took place in a ground floor room in Balmoral Castle and I had to wait quite a bit before she arrived.  There was this trumpet noise and then she entered the room ...

'Hello' I said

'Hel ... oh it's you' said Her Majesty

'Hello' I repeated with a smile.  'You remember me?'

'Yes I do. I thought I told you not to come back'

'Don't be like that'

'Look I haven't got time for you and your stupid questions.  I've got a busy day.'

'Oh what have you got on today then?'

'Well it's my reign, today it has been the longest ever reign, and I am having a small celebration.'

'Oh we had a lot of rain last week, but we didn't celebrate it.'

'Not rain ... reign'

'Not rain rain?'

'No, not rain rain ... reign'.

'Not rain rain rain?'

'Look will you stop it?'  I've had the longest reign today'

'We had a lot of rain last week.  I just told you'

'NOT RAIN!'

'Do you always lose your temper when it rains?'

'I'm not losing my temper'

'Yes you are'

'I'm not'

'You were, you were shouting.'

'I wasn't shouting'

'You were'

'I was not SHOUTING'

'You're shouting now.'

'I'm not ... oh never mind ... I'm sorry ... What did you want to ask me about?'

'You said you were having a celebration because it had been raining a lot.  What sort of celebration'

'I'm not celebrating rain ... oh never mind.  Yes I am having a small celebration.'

'What sort of celebration?  Are you going out on the beer with your mates?'

'I don't go out on the beer and I don't have any 'mates!

'Aawww haven't you?  You're dead old I would have thought you would have a few mates by now.'

'No I meant I don't have mates, I have ladies-in-waiting.'

'Oh.  I waited for you quite a bit earlier.'

'No it doesn't mean that ... ladies-in waiting are ... err ... no never mind, they are friends, yes that is what they are .... friends.

'Oh ... so what are you doing?'

'We are having a cup of tea and a slice of cake.'

'I like cake ... what sort?'

'Peach Melbas.'

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

The Queen

Quite a bit in the news about the Queen at the moment.

I saw this chap was being interviewed about an event the Queen held for her 80th birthday where she invited 100 people born on the same day to dinner.

The gentleman said he had a nice chat with the Queen and he said for their 90th birthdays she should come to him for dinner.

The Queen laughed and said 'What a good idea'.

In case you don't know, that is Royal speak for 'fat chance'.

Saturday, 5 September 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • some footballers stopped moving around;
  • some people started singing on X Factor;
  • Obama was in the wilderness with Bear;
  • David is writing some songs for a sponge;
  • One D got some Guinness;
  • 50 cent could do with 50 cents;
  • Gwyneth is in Mexico;
  • some Strictly people were almost ready to start;
  • Cat and Pat are having a baby;
  • Chris's car got a bit of a bash; 
  • David suddenly realised he was losing votes so he discovered compassion; and 
  • him off of Mr Selfridge and her off of the Midwife got married.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie counter …

‘I’ve got a few things on my shopping list this morning’ I began

‘Oh joy’ said Agatha with a strained smile

’I’ll have a cream cake without cream, two peach melbas without peaches or melba and a couple of teacakes without currants’ 

Agatha gathered a few things and presented them on the counter.  'There' she said

'What's that lot?  They look like a pile of bread rolls.'

'No it's a cream cake without cream, two peach melbas without peaches or melba and a couple of teacakes without currants’

‘They look like bread rolls.'

‘No it's what you asked for.’

I wasn't sure but I gathered them up and made my way to the till.

I think I have been done.

Friday, 4 September 2015

Dear David - Journalism ... again

Dear David

I have just got my job back with a newspaper. Do you have any advice for me on my first day?

David Responds

Yes, get a decent hair conditioner and don’t wear a Peter Pan collar.

Thursday, 3 September 2015

Dear David - Juornalism

Dear David

Did the luckiest woman in journalism get her job back because she knows where the bodies are buried?

David responds

That would be my guess.

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Dear David - Cheryl

Dear David

Has Cheryl had her lips done?

David Responds

Cheryl? ... Cheryl who? ... oh wait a minute ... what's this in the envelope ... oh a photograph ...

... I like these letters ... it must be a photo of Cheryl ...

... with photographs in them ...

... let's get it out of the envelope and have a look ..

... oh what a pretty girl ... she looks like the girl that used to get in the chip shop on Chilli road ...

let's have a close look ...

I'm not sure if she has had her lips done, I can't really see ... it looks like she is eating a tomato.  Have you got a pic where she isn't eating?