Saturday, 29 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Louis got his sixth straight pole - what's he going to do with all those poles?;
  • One D decided that they had changed their mind about 'all they wanted to do was sing' and now all they want to do was spend their money;
  • David made some Lords;
  • Some people went into the Big Brother house – is it not only five minutes since the last lot went in?;
  • David is on holiday in Cornwall;
  • George went to New Orleans - it took 10 years but he finally got there; 
  • someone left the bake-off;
  • while X-factor got ready to start - is it that time of year already;
  • Dermot had a ride on his motorcycle;
  • someone you have never heard of has left the BB house already - hardly seemed worth going in;
  • Tom is going on X Factor; and
  • the luckiest woman in journalism might get her job back.

Metal Detectors

As European ministers gather to consider introducing metal detectors on trains, I can't help casting my mind back to the Clampett express out of Leeds at weekday rush hour.

Good luck installing those detectors.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie counter this morning ... and holding a pair of tongs ...

'Morning' I said 'I'll have ...'

'We haven't got any' jumped in Agatha

'I haven't asked for anything yet.  How do you know what I want?

'You've been asking for daft things ever since that programme started and we don't do them'

'You still don't know what I want.  I might have been going to ask for apple turnovers'

Agatha's hand hovered over the apple turnovers.  'Do you want apple turnovers?'

'No'

'What do you want then?'

'I'll have a Spanische Windtorte'

'We haven't got any'

'Decorated with violets'

'We haven't got any'

'Little violets'

'We haven't got any'

'Made out of marzipan'

'We haven't got any'

'What have you got then?

'I've got peach Melbas'

'I'll have two'. 

Thursday, 27 August 2015

Dear David PA ... again

Dear David

I saw you printed my job advert, but you didn't mention watering my plants and rotating my tyres.

I had expected a personal response from you by now, are you taking the job?

anon

David Responds

Look we had this out on the phone ... twice ... I don't want your rotten job, now sling your hook.

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Dear David - PA

Dear David

I am looking for a personal assistant to keep my affairs in order. You seem organised - would you like the job? I have enclosed a little list of things you would have to do.

anon

David Responds

Oh what a co-incidence, I was looking for a part time job for when I take partial retirement later this year ... let's have a look at this list ...

... there seems to be quite a few pages here ...

... oh ... isn't your handwriting small ...

... can't you get a lot on a page ...

... let's have a look ... what does it say ... blah blah ... personal assistant ... blah blah ... £60,000 ...  oh yes here it is ...

highly experienced … … involved in ... scheduling and organising … private, social and business calendars, … all public appearances, … travel arrangements … business projects … create a global brand …plan family birthdays … family holidays ...

Goodness what a long list ...

I see you haven't given your name, but I think I know who you are ... I can't see anything on the list about playing football.

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Dear David - China

Dear David

I am a Chinese finance minister and have just realised the country borrowed 20 trillion over the last few years. The problem is, I am not sure whether it is 20 trillion dollars or 20 trillion pounds.  Do you know?

David Responds

I am not sure the difference matters.

Monday, 24 August 2015

Priscilla Presley

In case you are interested Johnny Walker is interviewing Priscilla Presley on the radio this week.

I have heard some fascinating highlights (and I am sure there are many more).

In the clip I heard Priscilla said she didn’t divorce Elvis because she didn’t love him, she divorced him to find out who she was … …Oh?

I am not sure, but checking her passport might have been an easier way to find the answer to that question.

Saturday, 22 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Peter is doing Strictly;
  • Madonna's birthday party was interrupted by the police for being too noisy;
  • Sebastian is going to be in charge of running up and down and throwing things;
  • Joe is doing a new musical;
  • Spencer is leaving Chelsea - the TV programme not the team;
  • Chris finished doing his ghost thing film;
  • Cilla got her first number one album;
  • Banksy opened a theme park;
  • Nick had a day at the beach; and 
  • Matt had a day at Disneyland; and 
  • the one off of One D and the one off of the one that won X Factor aren't buying their house anymore.

Colour Catcher

Have just seen a TV ad for a laundry product ... Colour Catcher.

The advert posed the question 'Are you exhausted sorting your coloureds?'

Let me think about this one ... I suppose when sorting coloureds I can see the capacity for tedium, but I doubt if it would escalate to exhaustion.

So 'No Colour Catcher ... I am not exhausted sorting my coloureds.'

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ..

I gave a cheery greeting and placed my order ... 'I'll have a quick bread'.

'I'm going as fast as I can' snapped Agatha 'I’ve been up since four’, and she slammed my loaf on the counter.

I thought that was quite rude.

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Dear David - Strictly

Dear David

Do the celebrities going on Strictly wonder if they are the one that is going to be publicly humiliated every week?

David Responds

I don't think they do.

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Dear David - There is an App for that ... again

You might have seen that Uber are developing a new app.

This one lets you call a restaurant and order a meal to be sent to your home.  Uber will then deliver your take-out to your home as requested.

What a great idea ... this is marvellous ... wait a minute.

I am beginning to think these app people are scoundrels.

Monday, 17 August 2015

Dear David - There is an App for that

Discovered a new app.

The app lets you take a photograph of an interesting view on holiday; press a few buttons and someone at the other end will print out the photograph on a piece of card.

If you add a personal message and a friend’s address they bring it all together and post the card.

How marvelous … What a great new idea … the call it a Post Card.

Hang on a minute …

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tom's lights went out; and 
  • Tom isn't doing The Voice anymore;
  • Jeremy is doing Strictly no dancing; 
  • Some football teams started playing football again; 
  • Donald proved he was an idiot – if proof were needed;
  • Sarah is selling blenders on QVC;
  • the original Gladiators are making a documentary;
  • the Gladiators haven't aged well;
  • George is doing The Voice; 
  • Paloma is going to do The voice as well; and
  • John went to Havana; and 
  • John said 'ooh isn't it nice here, why haven't we been here before?"

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have an edible biscuit box please’

‘Here we go’ she replied rolling her eyes

‘What?’

‘Nothing’

I started again ‘I’ll have an edible biscuit box please’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘Filled with biscuits’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘Some chocolate biscuits’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘And some plain ones’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘All presented in the edible biscuit box’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

 ‘What?

 ‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘Yes you do.’

‘No we don’t.’

‘Yes you do. You do gingerbread men.’

‘They aren’t biscuits.’

 ‘They are.’

‘They aren’t.  So do you want some gingerbread men?’

 ‘No’

‘You just said you did’

‘I didn’t’

‘You did’

 ‘I didn’t’

‘Look do you want some gingerbread men or not?’

‘Not’

‘What do you want?’

‘I’ll have an edible biscuit box please’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Dear David - Women's Cricket

Dear David

Is it true that after the women's cricket team broke for tea, their return to play was delayed by fifteen minutes while they did the dishes?

David Responds

No, that isn't true.

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Dear David - Internet

Dear David

I recently lost access to the internet for a few days and I didn’t know what to do with my time. How did people fill their evenings in the olden days?

David Responds

Yes it is difficult to imagine a life that isn’t online, but there was life before the internet.

There were lots of things to do of an evening; mostly involving pencils or wool.

If you were absolutely desperate you could go out and talk to people … I know, awful.

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Dear David - Northern Ireland

Dear David

De de le de le de le de de Situation ... De de le de le de le de le Situation?

David Responds

Are you from Northern Ireland?

Monday, 10 August 2015

Dear David - Shakespeare

Dear David

I have just read a report saying they think Shakespeare smoked cannabis.  Do you think is is true?

David Responds

Oh no, I don't think that is true at all ... well maybe when he wrote Midsummer Night's Dream.

Saturday, 8 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Salman ended his holiday in France and went to Morocco instead; 
  • Gwen is getting divorced;
  • Fergie has got a new house;
  • Jude is going to be a pope;
  • Zayn chucked Perrie;
  • Martin is doing Birds of a Feather;
  • Bake off had to stop using the Sound of Music trailer;
  • Halle lost her engagement ring;
  • Suranne got married; and 
  • Jennifer and Justin got married as well;
  • the Spice Girls are getting back together - you have been warned; although 
  • Posh said she couldn't be bothered 'cause she is that busy with her shop; and
  • some cricketers won some ash. 

Dear David - Urgent Announcement

Dear David has issued an urgent announcement for motorists ...

... In case you missed it, overnight, signalling at roundabouts has been banned.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was waiting for me at the Patisserie this morning ...

'I suppose you will be wanting something fancy now it's back on? she said by way of greeting

'Now what's back on?'  I asked

'The Bake Off, you always want fancy things when it's on'

'No I don't, I don't know what you mean' I protested

'Yes you do' replied Agatha picking up a cake slice and pointing at me. 'Last year you wanted a
kransekake and the year before I was up 'til midnight making an Opera cake.  I mean who wants an Opera cake?'

'That was never an Opera cake.'

'It was'

It wasn't'

'It was'

It wasn't'

'It was'

It so wasn't.  How was it an Opera cake?'

'It was small'

'Only because you cut a corner off of a raspberry sponge and tried to pass it off as an Opera cake.'

'Look are you going to buy something or not.  I've got a queue forming.'

'Have you got a black forest gateau made with beetroot?'

'Of course not, you can have these two peach Melbas or go somewhere else.'

Rotten old bag.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Dear David - Bake Off

Dear David

Does Agatha look like Mary Berry?

David Responds

Eerr ... no ... she looks more like Paul Hollywood.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Jennifer and Joanne are making a movie; 
  • Guy got married; and 
  • Brian got married as well; 
  • Perrie got a new lip liner;
  • David went on holiday to Cornwall;
  • David said 'Cornwall isn't near France is it?; and#
  • Angela is on holiday in Italy;
  • Angela said 'I think I'll give Greece a miss this year; and
  • Angela said 'I'm not that fussed on France either';
  • One D had some new tunes out; and
  • the one that left One D had a new tune out as well;
  • Ant and Dec got married - well not both of them, one of them did;
  • Kristina is seeing Ben; and 
  • the Bake-off people are heading this way. 

Dear David - French

Dear David

Should we teach the French the rules to British Bulldog?

David Responds

It is worth a try.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie this morning …

‘So’ she began ‘What’s wrong with coconut haystacks?’

‘I beg your pardon’

‘Coconut haystacks … last week … you said you didn’t like them’

‘Oh, it’s not that I don’t like them, I just think they are a bit exotic’

‘Exotic?’

‘Yes exotic’

‘Haystacks aren’t exotic’

‘Not haystacks … coconuts’

‘Coconuts aren’t exotic’

‘They are’

‘They are not’

‘They are’

‘They are not’

‘They are’

‘Look they are not. You get them of a fairground’

‘You don’t’

‘You do’

‘You don’t’

‘You do’

‘You don’t. You get goldfish of a fairground. You don’t get coconuts.

‘You get coconuts of a fairground I got a couple of big ones at the town moor last month’.

Oh – I’ll have a couple of peach Melbas’.