Friday, 31 July 2015

Dear David - USA

Dear David

Does America know that all countries have a Constitution?

David Responds

 No, it doesn't.

Thursday, 30 July 2015

Dear David - Tea

Dear David

I have just discovered this flavour of tea while on holiday and as a tea lover I am appalled. What possessed the manufacturer to make such a thing. Photograph enclosed.

David Responds

Oh a letter with a photograph … I like these letters … let’s have a look …

Good lord, what is that all about … which far flung outpost of the Empire are you on holiday to encounter such an abomination ... Let’s have a look at the post mark … Oh ... Edinburgh.

It's all that Nicola's fault, I knew it would end like this.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Dear David - Bra

Dear David

Every time I close my eyes I can see an orange bra.  Can you help?

David Responds

How odd.  err not sure ... can you see the shoes?  If they are orange it is probably all right.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • James is making another movie;
  • George was two - already;
  • 50 cent said he didn't have 50 cents;
  • Dan is going on Celebrity Big Brother;
  • some people wanted to be leader of the Labour party;
  • Charlie is leaving EastEnders;
  • Hulk got sacked - strange he looks more orange than green in this picture;
  • Barack has been to Kenya;
  • Leonardo was on his holidays on his yacht;
  • Leonardo needs a beard trimmer with a number 2.5 guard;
  • Frederick might have been a spy;
  • the ones that got married on that reality show that got married split up after a few days - who saw that coming?; and
  • someone won Celebrity MasterChef.  


Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie this morning ...

'What can I get you today?' she asked

'I think I will try something different this week.  What do you have?

'We have some doughnuts'




'Jam tarts?'


'Chocolate brownies?'


'Coconut haystacks?'


'Why not coconut haystacks?'

'Well ... because they are not the same as what I usually get'

'You said you wanted something different'

'I know but I wanted a different sort of different'

'What sort of different?'

'The sort of different that is like what I normally get'

Agatha sighed and put two peach Melbas in a box. 

Friday, 24 July 2015

Dear David - Words

Dear David

I am thinking of setting up a new p... oh err well .... never mind  ... errr can you think of different words I can use for 'Social' and 'Democratic'.  Yes that's is what I want to know, can you think of different words?

Andy ... err no sorry ... that should be 'Anon'

David Responds

Oh this is a tricky one ... let me see ... err ... what about ... Democratic Socialist?

Thursday, 23 July 2015

Dear David - Shirley Williams

Dear David

Is it true Shirley Williams is dusting off her rosettes?

David Responds

If that isn’t a euphemism, then yes she is.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Camilla packed in the tabs;
  • Charles said 'Where you going? when Camilla said she was just popping outside for a minute at Charlotte's christening;
  • some people played tennis;
  • the orange one said she is leaving the UK;
  • someone won the tennis;
  • someone won a cricket match;
  • yo have to win a few cricket matches before you win;
  • Harry fell over on stage;
  • Nicloa was suddenly concerned about English foxes;
  • Louis is having a baby; and
  • the Queen and the Queen Mother both immediately knew the answer to the teacher's question.

MPs Pay

I don’t often comment on political events, but sometimes the temptation become irresistible …

MPs pay rise … many words already written … but have to add …

Receiving a 10% pay rise after only two months in the job (for new MPs), is probably worthy of mention.  In most occupations you are still serving out your probation period!

The case isn’t helped by David Cameron’s statement (delivered with a straight face) that the rise will “allow MPs to give more to charity.”

How lovely … I feel a tear coming to my eye.

There must be more efficient ways of giving public money to charitable organisations, other than via MP 's pay packets?  If only I knew a business analyst who could come up with a simpler solution.


Agatha was arranging her baps at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said

'I've kept these for you' Agatha said by way of greeting

'Kept what?'

'A couple of sherry trifles.  This old dear usually comes in before you and has a couple but she didn't like the look of them this morning.  Do you want them?'

'Do I want a couple of sherry trifles some old dear didn't like the look of?  Err no thanks.'

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Dear David - Money

Dear David

I am an international finance minister (I prefer not to give my name) and I have been having loads of meetings where I keep getting told to come up with ideas to raise some money.  But I can't think of any.  I am dead fed up.  Can you help?

David Responds

Oh how frustrating.  I'm not sure really, times are hard.  Have you tried feeling down the back of your sofa?

Monday, 6 July 2015

Dear David - No Vote

Dear David

I am a rather well known international finance minister but I am not sure what to do next. We have just had a bit of a vote and I have decided that I will resign if the answer is Yes and I will resign if the answer is No. Can you help?

David Responds

What a funny thing to do. I suppose I can only advise you to await the outcome and then resign.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Joe got married;
  • some people sang songs in a big field;
  • John was found in a storm drain in Majorca;
  • Victoria's drawers went on sale;
  • Olivia was 99; and 
  • Debbie was 70;
  • some ladies didn't win a football match;
  • Camilla got a new sweatband;
  • Prince isn't streaming his tunes anymore - whatever that means;
  • Dusty bin won a tennis match; and
  • some other people played tennis as well;
  • Shia hurt his head doing a film;
  • the orange one got fined and points on her licence for breaking the law; 
  • Ben and Jennifer are getting divorced; and 
  • l Kristen adopted her trademark casual style to a nail salon - or wore a t-shirt as I call it. 

Dear David - BMW

Dear David

How do you switch on BMWs indicator lights?

David Responds

BMWs do not have indicator lights.


Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie this morning.

'Hello dear' I said

'Do you want your usual multi-grain?' asked Agatha

'I'll have my usual multi-grain please'

'Do you want it sliced?'

'Can I have it sliced?'

'Thick slices?'

'Can you slice it thick please?'

Agatha handed over my sliced loaf.

'You will be wanting a couple of cakes'

'Can I have a couple of cakes'

'We haven't got many ready at this time of the morning'

'I don't suppose you have many ready at this time of day'

'Just what you can see on the counter'

'Is it just what you have on the counter?'

'Are you on a two minute delay?'

I wonder what she meant by that.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Dear David - Summer Nights

Dear David

I tried a tip to stay cool at night in this hot weather by putting my sheets in the freezer.

At first it was nice and cool but after a few minutes it started to get really cold.  By morning I was absolutely freezing.  Do you think this is a good tip?

David Responds

Eerr actually I think you are supposed to take the sheets out of the freezer before you go to bed.