Why do they give two different things the same name? It's a bit like calling a chocolate digestive biscuit a "banana", and also calling a yellow citrus fruit a "banana" too. Things are becoming very confusing in modern life. Can you help?
Goodness what a long question.
I think the problem is that there are more things than there are words. I have done a quick tot up and I think around about 1920 we ran out of new words. At that point things had to start ‘doubling up’.
Cars and IT have helped a bit by inventing things that are just random letters but it hasn’t completely solved the problem.
As we don’t need most of what is new these days the easiest thing would be for people to stop inventing things. Until then why don’t you create some new words see if you can get your friends to start using them.
Imagine all the looks of admiration you will get down the Darby and Joan when you start using fashionable new words!
Have Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimock fallen out?
Oh Charlie Dimmock, now there is a name from the past I had forgotten about her. She was quite sturdy wasn't she, carried round bags of compost over her shoulder, chopped trees down with her bare hands.
And who was that other one ... Handy Andy ... no not him ... a bit rough and he always had to lay decking in the rain while Titchmarsh was stood having a tab under an umbrella saying 'you want to move that shed two inches to the left'.
Tommy! That was it Tommy someone ... sorry, what was it you wanted to know again?
I am the head of an international bank, but I have lost hundreds of thousands of payments worth millions of pounds, I have looked all over and I can't find them. I don't know what to do. Help!
Oh dear that is annoying isn't it.
Can you remember where you were when you last had them? Try thinking back. You will be amazed at what will pop into your head. I remember one time when I lost a valuable item, I looked everywhere for it, you will never guess where it was ... oh never mind you don't want to hear about that.
A mutual acquaintance of ours has a spare pussy looking for a good home. Agatha from Sainsbury's Patisserie strikes me as a pussy woman - could you ask her if she is interested on Saturday?
I’m not sure that is such a good idea. Agatha shouted for the manager when I said she had some of the biggest buns in the north east, I can only imagine the potential for confusion if I do as you suggest.
I tried your advice about shielding my face with my scarf to help with my hay fever but I had a terrible time.
The Blue Raccoon had its heating on full blast and I passed out with heat exhaustion and dehydration from wearing my scarf. The paramedic said he had never seen such an allergic reaction to 4ply wool and I spent two days on a drip trying to get my fluid levels back up. Do you have any other ideas to help my hay fever.
Oh good lord you don't get in the Blue Raccoon do you?
I'm not sure what to suggest, perhaps somewhere north facing that is cold and preferably the other side of town?
Or what about only going out when it rains, I don't think pollen is much of a bother in a rain. Yes that's it, only go out in the rain.
I am the head of an international football association and I resigned a few weeks ago because I was dead fed up. Now I think I have changed my mind and want to withdraw my resignation any ideas how I can do it?
Oh I’m not sure. I have passed your letter to Nigel Farage … he might be able to help.
Isn't that funny ... who would have thought you would say Sepp Blatter and Nigel Farage in the same sentence ... but then again thinking about it.
I am thinking of going out at the weekend for a drink with my friend, but I suffer from terrible hay fever and it spoils my evening. Can you give me any advice about my hay fever?
I thought you might like to see a photograph of me in my new summer outfit for my night out.
Oh that is disappointing isn’t it, getting hay fever as the weather turns nicer, and just when you have found a friend as well.
Oh a letter with a photograph in it …
… I like letters with photographs in them …
… fishing it out of the envelope … let’s have a look …
... What are you wearing dear, it looks a bit substantial for a summer outfit ...it is years since I’ve seen gabardine, I didn’t know you could still get it.
Why are you eating a tomato? Let’s have a closer look … oh … it isn’t a tomato … is that your nose? Goodness you do suffer badly from hay fever don’t you.
I am not sure what to suggest, what about that scarf you have around your neck … it looks nice and thick … and woolen. If you hold that over your face it should stop any pollen getting through. Give it a try and let me know how you get on.
I'll send you a copy of my free leaflet How to have a nice night out when you suffer from hay fever and look like rubbish.
I saw the letter about the internet and how much it weighs and don’t agree with your answer. The internet doesn’t weigh anything.
I think you will find it does.
All things that exist weigh something. I accept in some instances it might not be very much. For example a handful of raspberries is quite light but they still weigh something.
Next time you get a new phone place it on a pair of bathroom scales and make a note of how much it weighs. Then a few months later when you have all your records and photographs on it weigh it again. There will be a slight increase in the weight.