Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Dear David - Florence ... again

Dear David

I saw your letter about words, does that mean The Beatles are the same as The Animals?

David Responds

No, The Beatles are more The Crickets.

Monday, 29 June 2015

Dear David - Words

Dear David

Why do they give two different things the same name? It's a bit like calling a chocolate digestive biscuit a "banana", and also calling a yellow citrus fruit a "banana" too. Things are becoming very confusing in modern life.  Can you help?

David Responds

Goodness what a long question.

I think the problem is that there are more things than there are words. I have done a quick tot up and I think around about 1920 we ran out of new words. At that point things had to start ‘doubling up’.

Cars and IT have helped a bit by inventing things that are just random letters but it hasn’t completely solved the problem.

As we don’t need most of what is new these days the easiest thing would be for people to stop inventing things. Until then why don’t you create some new words see if you can get your friends to start using them.  

Imagine all the looks of admiration you will get down the Darby and Joan when you start using fashionable new words!

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David met the Queen;
  • a different David is releasing some box sets of his tunes;
  • Danniella got sacked off of Hollyoaks before she started; 
  • Buckingham Palace is going to cost £150 million to repair;
  • the Queen said 'How much!'
  • a builder said he could start on Thursday if a conservatory he was doing fell through;
  • the Queen might have to stay with friends while they have the work done;
  • the Queen said 'eeh I don't know what to do, I suppose I could stay with our Camilla for a while;
  • Nicola had a tour of Buckingham Palace with the Queen;
  • Nicola said 'eeh you have a lot of lovely stuff in here, do you need it all?'
  • David was touring around Europe;
  • the Queen was in Berlin;
  • the Queen hoped that Charles had remembered to stay in for that builder that was coming round on Wednesday with a quote;
  • Tom is going to be reading the news; and
  • Robbie is heading back to EastEnders.

Dear David - Florence

Dear David

Is Florence and the Machine the same as Mike and the Mechanics?

David Responds

Yes.

Sainsbury's

The banner advertising 'NEW LINES' was still above the Patisserie ...

'Morning' I said 'I see you are still pushing new lines.  I wasn't so keen on your cottage loaves, what else is new?'

'We have eclairs'.  Enthused Agatha

'There're not new'

'They are'

'They aren't.'

'They are'

'They aren't.' 

'What's new about them then.  Are they bigger?'

'No'

'Smaller?'

'No'

'Round?'

'No'

'Square?'

'No'

'I give in.  what's new about them?'

'They come in little cardboard boxes'

'That's not new'

'It is'

It isn't'

'It is'

It isn't'

'Oh go on then, I'll take a couple'

'Sorry we don't do them of a weekend ... oh that's new!' laughed Agatha

Miserable old bag.

Thursday, 25 June 2015

Dear David - Night Out

Dear David

I am having a night out with my friend the weekend after next. I hardly ever go out so I am very excited.  Is it too soon to start my beautifying routine for our evening out?

David Responds

Oh no, that's ages away, much to soon.

Oh hang on, you have enclosed a photograph ...

... I like these letters ...

... with photos in them ...

... let's gave a look ...

Good heavens ... why are you just standing there, don't you have a bath to run.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Dear David - Titchmarsh

Dear David

Have Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimock fallen out?

David Responds

Oh Charlie Dimmock, now there is a name from the past I had forgotten about her.  She was quite sturdy wasn't she, carried round bags of compost over her shoulder, chopped trees down with her bare hands.

And who was that other one ... Handy Andy ... no not him ... a bit rough and he always had to lay decking in the rain while Titchmarsh was stood having a tab under an umbrella saying 'you want to move that shed two inches to the left'.

Tommy! That was it Tommy someone ... sorry, what was it you wanted to know again?

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Dear David - Salad

Dear David

I've had a lovely healthy salad for my evening meal - but I've now eaten four bags of crisps and its only 7 pm - will l get fat?  I have enclosed a photograph of my lovey salad.

David Responds

Oh that is a lot of crisps isn't it.  And you have enclosed a photo ...

... I like these letters, with photos in them ... people do that a lot these days don't they ... take photographs of their food ...

... let's get it out of the envelope ...

... let's have a look ...

Ah well ... I know potatoes are a sort of vegetable ... but they are more carbohydrates than vegetables, so they are not really salad.

Especially when they are chopped and fried as chips.  Still I suppose if you are having some healthier stuff with it ... let's have a closer look ... no, can't see anything.

So really your evening meal was a plate of chips?

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • John signed a document 800 years ago; 
  • a baron said ‘Can you just sign there please and print your name next to it’; 
  • a Swedish prince got married; 
  • someone stole all of Gary's wine; 
  • the Queen got some new garters; 
  • Chris is going to be the new Jeremy; and 
  • Rita is going to be the new Sharon; and 
  • Nick is going to be the new Louis; 
  • the Queen watched some horse running around a field; 
  • Jeremy has stopped pretending he is ok about being sacked and had a go at Chris;
  • Mariah has a new lad;
  • Jack isn't going to be a Lord;
  • Vin is going to be the new Kojak;
  • Johnny is selling his French estate that he bought for Vanessa; and 
  • it is 200 years since Napoleon did surrender.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was looking out over the Patisserie counter this morning ...

'Barbara' I heard her call to her colleague at the far shelves ... no reply

'BARBARA' called Agatha rather louder

'What!  said Barbara (presumably) turning around in fright

'Are the Harvest baps not in the wrong place?'

Barbara stopped what she was doing and looked up 'Oh err yes, so they are.'

'Who put them there'

slight pause then 'Me'

'Well put them in the right place. You know I don't like my baps in the wrong place'

That woman misses nothing, she has eyes like a bat.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Dear David - Lost Payments

Dear David

I am the head of an international bank, but I have lost hundreds of thousands of payments worth millions of pounds, I have looked all over and I can't find them.  I don't know what to do. Help!

David Responds

Oh dear that is annoying isn't it.

Can you remember where you were when you last had them?  Try thinking back.  You will be amazed at what will pop into your head.  I remember one time when I lost a valuable item, I looked everywhere for it, you will never guess where it was ... oh never mind you don't want to hear about that.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Dear David - Going Spare

Dear David

A mutual acquaintance of ours has a spare pussy looking for a good home. Agatha from Sainsbury's Patisserie strikes me as a pussy woman - could you ask her if she is interested on Saturday?

David Responds

I’m not sure that is such a good idea.  Agatha shouted for the manager when I said she had some of the biggest buns in the north east, I can only imagine the potential for confusion if I do as you suggest.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Dear David - Hay Fever ... again

Dear David

I tried your advice about shielding my face with my scarf to help with my hay fever but I had a terrible time.

The Blue Raccoon had its heating on full blast and I passed out with heat exhaustion and dehydration from wearing my scarf.  The paramedic said he had never seen such an allergic reaction to 4ply wool and I spent two days on a drip trying to get my fluid levels back up.  Do you have any other ideas to help my hay fever.

David Responds

Oh good lord you don't get in the Blue Raccoon do you?

I'm not sure what to suggest, perhaps somewhere north facing that is cold and preferably the other side of town?

Or what about only going out when it rains, I don't think pollen is much of a bother in a rain.  Yes that's it, only go out in the rain.

Monday, 15 June 2015

Dear David - Resignation

Dear David

I am the head of an international football association and I resigned a few weeks ago because I was dead fed up. Now I think I have changed my mind and want to withdraw my resignation any ideas how I can do it?

David Responds

Oh I’m not sure. I have passed your letter to Nigel Farage … he might be able to help.

Isn't that funny ... who would have thought you would say Sepp Blatter and Nigel Farage in the same sentence ... but then again thinking about it.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Kate got chucked off a plane for being a ratbag;
  • Her had her picture taken and said she didn't have anything to do with that one off of One Direction was on Love island;
  • I saw that one that had her picture taken with that one off of One Direction on Love Island - I believe her;
  • Louis isn't getting engaged - neither is his girlfriend;
  • Brad and Angelina got an aeroplane with some poor people;
  • some people got some letter to put after their name;
  • Lenny got a sirknighthoodship;
  • Duncan got chucked;
  • the Queen looked at some soldiers;
  • Carol got some blonde hair - she got the wrong dye off the shelf, she shouldn't have taken one from the top;
  • Chris did some show he did years ago on channel 4;
  • Chris might be doing Jeremy's show; 
  • Chris said 'eeh I've done nothing on the telly for ages and now two come along at once; and
  • some singer fell off the stage and broke his leg - it dead dangerous on them stages, especially when you are knocking on a bit.

Sainsbury's

There was a banner sign saying 'New lines' above the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear, I said 'What's all these new lines then?'

'We have some new lines in' replied Agatha

'Oh that sounds exciting, what have you got?'

'We have cottage loaves'

'What's those?'

'They are like a farmhouse ... only a cottage'

'What's the difference'

'Well ... err farmhouses are sort of farmhousey and cottage loves are ... err .. sort of err ... cottagey'

'That's just the same'

'No it isn't'

'It is'

'It isn't'

'It is'

'It isn't'

'It is'

'Look it isn't'  snapped Agatha 'Anyway the cottage ones are roundish and the other ones are sort of squarish.'

'Have you got a couple of large ones then?'

'Mr Jackson!'

Friday, 12 June 2015

Dear David - Hay Fever

Dear David

I am thinking of going out at the weekend for a drink with my friend, but I suffer from terrible hay fever and it spoils my evening.  Can you give me any advice about my hay fever?

I thought you might like to see a photograph of me in my new summer outfit for my night out.

David Responds

Oh that is disappointing isn’t it, getting hay fever as the weather turns nicer, and just when you have found a friend as well.

Oh a letter with a photograph in it …

… I like letters with photographs in them …

… fishing it out of the envelope … let’s have a look …

... What are you wearing dear, it looks a bit substantial for a summer outfit ...it is years since I’ve seen gabardine, I didn’t know you could still get it.

Why are you eating a tomato? Let’s have a closer look … oh … it isn’t a tomato … is that your nose? Goodness you do suffer badly from hay fever don’t you.

I am not sure what to suggest, what about that scarf you have around your neck … it looks nice and thick … and woolen. If you hold that over your face it should stop any pollen getting through.  Give it a try and let me know how you get on.

I'll send you a copy of my free leaflet How to have a nice night out when you suffer from hay fever and look like rubbish.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

Dear David - The Queen

Dear David has been given another marvelous opportunity to interview Her Majesty the Queen.

I have been shown into a small summer house at the side of Buckingham Palace while I await Her Majesty … the Queen arrives …

‘Hello’ I smile in greeting

‘Hello’ replies the Queen … ‘Oh it’s you’

‘Hello. It’s been ages hasn’t it’

‘Yes it has, but I thought we agreed last time you wouldn’t come back’

‘Don’t be like that. I just thought it would be nice to catch up’

‘What do you want this time. I’ve told you all about my hats, dresses and jewels. There’s nothing left’

‘I saw in the papers you had had another grandchild’

‘Ah yes … Great’

‘Yes it is isn’t it’

‘No, great-grandchild. I’ve had another great-grandchild’

‘Yes they are all great aren’t they’

‘No I mean … oh never mind. Yes I’ve had another grandchild’

‘How many have you got now?’

‘Oh I’m not sure … about twelve’

‘Twelve!’ Goodness that’s a lot you must be on ages knitting at Christmas’.

‘I don’t knit’

‘Aww, did you not learn it when you were little, couldn’t pick it up?’

‘It’s not that, I was a princess and princesses don’t knit’

‘Aww were you not allowed? Could you not make them let you? Couldn’t you wave your wand or something?’

‘Wave my wand?’

‘Yes your wand.’

‘I haven’t got a wand.’

‘You haven’t? I thought all princesses had wands.’

‘They don’t.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes’

‘Not even a little one?’

‘No’

‘Are you sure, I know they are supposed to be secret.’

‘Look I never had a wand.’

‘You seem quite bitter about it’

‘I’m not bitter’

‘Then why are you shouting?’

‘I’m not shouting’

‘You are’

‘I’m not’

‘You are’

I’m not’

‘It sounds like you are.’

‘I’m not. Is there a point to this? I have another meeting’ With that the Queen got up and left the room.

‘Isn’t she marvelous.’

Monday, 8 June 2015

Jurassic World

Some film star was being interviewed about his role in the new Jurassic Park film.

He said he was very excited about it (they are always very excited about it).

He said Jurassic Park had been an important and memorable aspect of his childhood.

Childhood?  How can that be, the film is only a few years old.  A quick check on the googlenet confirms the film is 22 years old .. how did that happen!

Saturday, 6 June 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Sam got his voice back and is thinking of doing some shows;
  • Papiss got married - his girlfriend was furious;
  • Fern said she didn't like her partner in last year's Strictly;
  • Fern's Strictly partner said e wasn't that chuffed at having to lift Fern over his head every week either;
  • Sepp decided to pack it in after all;
  • Jude made a phone call outside in New York - it is front page news apparently;
  • the Queen struggled to cut a cake;
  • the Queen said 'Who baked this cake it is dead tough'
  • the Queen made Harry a Sir;
  • Charlotte is going to be christened in Sandringham;
  • George and Amal went to Kentucky;
  • Shane is doing Benidorm - oh is that still on; and
  • Some people you have never heard of are going on Love Island ... what a load of rubbish ITV2 9 pm on Sunday.

Dear David - Jason Derulo

Dear David

Every time I hear the latest Jason Derulo single my hips start to gyrate - is this odd for a 35 year old?

C

David Responds

Oh ... I thought that said Jason Donovan, he is very good isn't he.  I've never heard of Jason ... what is it?  ...Derulo.

I'll have to look it up on this internet thing.  Now how do you start it up again ... ah yes that's it .. now where do you type what you want ... oh yes .. in there ... it takes ages doesn't it.

How do you spell it again ... ah that's it ... now press 'Play' ... ooh isn't it loud .. where is the volume on this thing ...

Is that what you young things are dancing to these days, I don't know how you can, it is just a noise.

Wait a minute ... I think I know who you are, I recognise the green crayon ... you're not 35 ... not even close.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Hello dear' I said 'Hasn't it been hot the last few days'

'It has' agreed Agatha

'How do you keep your buns cool in this weather?'  I asked

'I beg your pardon'

'Your buns' ... I faltered 'in this weather ... they must get quite hot'

Agatha gasped ... 'What are you saying ... I'll call the manager'

'No ... don't I just meant ... you have quite big buns don't you they must get hot'

'Mr Jackson! Agatha screamed

I left without my peach Melbas.

Friday, 5 June 2015

Dear David - Internet ... again

Dear David

I saw the letter about the internet and how much it weighs and don’t agree with your answer. The internet doesn’t weigh anything.

David Responds

I think you will find it does.

All things that exist weigh something. I accept in some instances it might not be very much. For example a handful of raspberries is quite light but they still weigh something.

Next time you get a new phone place it on a pair of bathroom scales and make a note of how much it weighs. Then a few months later when you have all your records and photographs on it weigh it again. There will be a slight increase in the weight.

Thursday, 4 June 2015

Dear David - Internet

Dear David

How much does the internet weigh?

David Responds

Oh an IT question ... I don't get many of these.

The internet weighs about two kilos.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Dear David - FIFA ... again

Dear David

Who do you think should be the next FIFA President?

David Responds

Oh I don't know I haven't really thought about it.

What about that nice John Craven.  I don't think he has much on since they chucked him off of Countryfile for that bit of a lass that has never been in the country in her life.

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Dear David - Britain's Got Talent

Dear David

I have a pet border collie and he is really clever and can do loads of tricks. We have developed an act and I am thinking of taking him on Britain’s Got Talent.

Part of the act is on a high wire, the only problem is my dog doesn’t like heights so I was thinking of dressing up a rabbit in a fur coat for the high wire bits. What do you think?

David Responds

Get a big rabbit.