Sunday, 31 May 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Sylvain and Samia got engaged - is it two years since he chucked that one on the phone on Christmas day already;
  • Sam is singing in a bingo hall;
  • Some people sang a UK song in Europe - I still haven't heard ours, don't suppose I will now;
  • Some people got into the final of Britain’s Got Talent; it says here a Magic Ian got into the finals of Britain’s Got Talent – I wonder what a Magic Ian is?;
  • Sepp said 'eeh what you arrested all them for';
  • Sepp said 'I am only the President how am I supposed to know what the people on the senior board are up to?';
  • the Queen read a speech to some people; and
  • the Queen said to Philip 'what does that word say I haven't got me glasses''.

Saturday, 30 May 2015


Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'You're still on the Patisserie then?'

'Well yes, why wouldn't I be' replied Agatha

'Oh nothing ... it's just sometimes unfortunate things happen and the manager has to move you around'.

'I don't know what you mean'

'Well Mavis off the checkouts said you were moved off of the cafe when that man complained after the way you asked him if he wanted stuffing when he asked for chicken casserole'

'I never said that ... anyway when did you see Mavis off of the checkouts'

'She was in the Post Office during the week ... and she told me you once got moved off of the deli counter after the manager caught you rolling cheese wheels down the frozen food aisle'.

'Mavis should keep her trap shut'.

‘and Mavis off of the checkouts said that there was that time you had a skin full at the Blue Racoon and came into work still drunk and the manager didn’t dare put you on the wine aisle and you had to go out the back and unpack boxes’.

‘Mavis is looking for a fat lip, what else did she say?’ Agatha was looking cross

‘Oh errr .. nothing … err I’m off out for the day so I’ll have two peach Melbas but could you put them in a box and I’ll put them in the fridge.’

Friday, 29 May 2015

FIFA Election

I have just been listening to the coverage of the FIFA Presidential election.

The reporter helpfully explained how the voting process worked.  She said countries vote alphabetically ... starting with the 'As' and letters like that.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Thursday, 28 May 2015

Dear David - FIFA ... again

Dear David

I wrote to you yesterday about a little problem in my football organisation, just to let you know it was a mistake. It was a load of fuss about nothing, in fact I forgot it was my idea to get the police involved. It will be sorted out by the weekend, sorry to have troubled you.

David Responds

You are deluded.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Dear David - FIFA

Dear David

I am head of an International Football Association and I think I am in a bit of bother. Do you have any advice for me?

David Responds

Yes, don’t go to Switzerland.

Oh and look up what ‘zero tolerance’ means.

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry said he wasn't Bridget;
  • Nigel wants to lead his party for 20 years;
  • the Queen looked at some flowers;
  • the Queen said 'eeh you never hear of Percy Thrower these days;
  • some actresses you have never heard of were in Cannes;
  • Ola isn't having a baby;
  • some people won some money for having their phones hacked;
  • William said his new baby was keeping him up at night;
  • Barbra is writing her autobiography; 
  • Mark and Michelle are getting married;
  • Geri changed her surname - but she kept the same initial so she doesn't have to change her towels;
  • some people were going to sing in Europe for the 60th time;
  • the Queen sacked some people;
  • Harry ate an ice cream and wore two pairs of sun glasses - what a funny thing to do; and 
  • Jeremy said there were some awful people working at the BBC - well there is one fewer now.


Agatha was back at the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'I never know where you are these days.  I thought you might have still been on Fresh Fish.'

'Eerr no, I don't really like it on there, it's dead cold'.

'Oh well you will be happier back on the Patisserie ... at least you can keep your baps warm'

'I beg your pardon'

'Your baps' I hesitated '.... you can warm by the oven'

'Are you looking for a fat lip?'

'Er no, I'll have a couple of peach Melbas'.

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Dear David - Take That ... again

Dear David

I was disappointed by your reply to the question about Howard off of Take That. When do you think he will be allowed to sing?

David Responds

After Gary and Mark leave.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Dear David - Take That

Dear David

Now that Take That are down to three, will Howard be allowed to sing?

David Responds

No not yet ... maybe soon.

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Dear David - Diamonds

Dear David

A few weeks ago I wrote and told you that I had ... eerr found ... eerr a load of diamonds, yes that's what I did ... I found a load of diamonds.  But this morning the police smashed my front door down and made a right mess looking for the diamonds.  (They were in a fruit bowl on the sideboard).  Now they say they want them back.  Do I have to hand them over?  I don't have a receipt.

David Responds

Oh that is annoying isn't it.

I am sure you were about to hand in the diamonds you found to the police but they can get quite cross if they find them first.  I think you might have to give them back, why don't you ask if there is a reward, they might let you keep one as a small gift.

Monday, 18 May 2015

Dear David - Front Bench

Dear David

I have just been watching the first day of the new parliament on the news.  It was very exciting.  I wondered if you knew who the filthy old tramp in the pony tail and hippy boots on the Tory front bench was.

David Responds

No idea.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Nigel went, then he came back; and 
  • Louis left X Factor - but then he leaves X Factor every year;
  • Geri is getting married;
  • Charles had some letters published;
  • Charles picked up a pen and said 'Do you want me to leave a note for the milkman to ask for an extra pint at the weekend?'
  • Camilla said 'give me that pen here, you have done enough damage this week';
  • Ed went on holiday to Ibiza;
  • some people thought they would like to be the new Ed;
  • Chuka changed his mind and said he didn't want to be the new Ed;
  • the wife of the Ed that wanted to be be new Ed but can't because he isn't there any more thought she would like to be the new Ed - not the Ed that isn't there anymore, the other one;
  • Farage is under a barrage;
  • there are official rumors that Nick will be doing X Factor; and 
  • unofficial ones that Robbie is doing X Factor.

Dear David - Christmas Announcements

Dear David has the following festive announcements ...

The Scottish Labour MP Christmas party has been cancelled;

The UKIP Christmas party was cancelled, then it was re-instated but now they are having a vote on whether to have one or not; and .

The Lib Dem Christmas party at the Lansdowne Country Hotel has been re-scheduled into a coffee morning in Deidre Martin-Drake's front room.


Before I got to the Patisserie ...

... I was a bit startled to see Agatha at the Fresh Fish stand.

'Oh hello' I said 'What are you doing there!'

'I'm on fish this week'

'Oh I thought after last week when you were filling in for Mavis you might still be on the checkouts.  You like the checkouts.'

'Err well yes I do, but errr the manager put me on here'.

'Well a change is nice isn't it ... oh hang on ... what about my sliced multi-grain'

'Don't worry, I've left word with Margaret, and she will have one out for you'

'I thought you didn't like it on Fresh Fish?  Mavis on the checkouts said you thought the fish give you funny looks'

'It's all right'

'Mavis on the checkouts said last time you were on Fresh Fish you got into a fight with that lad that stacks the yogurts after he put a slice of cod down the back of your bra'

'Mavis on the checkouts has got a big mouth'

'Mavis on the checkouts says you had another fight with one of the delivery drivers after you found out he put half a pound of prawns in your shopping bag and you didn't find them for four days and the smell was driving you mad'

'Mavis on the checkouts is looking for a fat lip'

'Mavis on the checkout says ...

'Look are you going to buy anything?'  snapped Agatha

'I'll have a smoked trout ... and not that skinny one at the back'.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Online Shopping

I have just been looking to buy something online.

The item is in my basket and the company has just given me a message to tell me I qualify for free in store collection.

How exciting ... do you really mean it ... can I really go to your store for free and pick up the item I have just bought?

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Dear David - Letters

Dear David

I have just had a load of my private letters published in a national newspaper.  I'm dead fed up. What can I do?


David responds

Oh dear, it must be awful having your private letters published ... ah ... oops ... sorry.

Monday, 11 May 2015

Dear David - Five More Years

Dear David

I recently said I was going to pack my job in after another five years.

Something happened last week and I have had loads of fun; I've got some new servants; a couple of colleagues I couldn't stand have left, and I've even put up some new curtains.

I've had loads of fun so I think I quite like my job so I have changed my mind and now I don’t want to go. What can I do?

David responds

Five years is a long time – ask me again in four years and nine months.

Saturday, 9 May 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Carla is leaving Coronation Street; 
  • Nigel wants to ban Strictly Come Dancing; 
  • Claude is going to be the new Nick; 
  • Eddie Izzard had a small bonfire in his back garden after Nicola turned up wearing the same outfit; 
  • Charlotte got a new name - well it wasn't a new name to replace an old name, just a name she hadn't had before; 
  • Ed gained a stone on the campaign trail;
  • the Queen thought she would have a nice quiet Friday because it would be ages before anyone would be around;
  • David went to see the Queen sooner than he thought;
  • the Queen got an unexpected phone call in the middle of Bargain Hunt;
  • the Queen said 'oh God ... Oh God ... Oh God';
  • the Queen said 'Oh God I don't think I have a clean pair of tights - quick see if that pair on the radiator is dry while I do my hair';
  • the Queen said 'tape the end of Bargain Hunt I want to see how much that vase fetches - I think our mam left one like it somewhere;
  • Some people got elected; 
  • some people didn't; and 
  • Captain Kidd’s treasure has been found off of Madagascar.


There was a strange woman at the counter at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Excuse me' I began 'Is Agatha about?'

'It's me' said the strange woman

'Oh it is you ...' I said 'I didn't recognise with your make up on'. I peered closer ... 'it is make up isn't it?'

'Yes it is, what of it' she replied sharply

'Err no, nothing I was just saying is all. It is just you don't usually dress up for work, you always look so cosy in your factory apron and flip flops. The manager isn't putting you back on the wet fish stand is he?'

'No he isn't. If you must know I'm going on the checkouts this afternoon. Mavis is going off early for her 40th anniversary party and I'm filling in.'

'The checkouts? Is that wise ... after the last time ... when you were putting that woman's fruit and veg through and you had that argument with her when you asked if she wanted you to thump her melons.

And she said ‘What did you say’ and you said ‘You have got a couple of big squashy ones there, do you want them thumped?'

And she said ‘Are you looking for a fat lip’ And you said ‘I’d like to see you try it and you leapt out your seat and almost flattened that little lad that packs the bags and you got the woman by the scruff of the neck and started dragging her out the shop. Then the manager came and gave you a right telling off and sent you home and told you to see him in the morning'.

'How did you know about that?'

'Oh Mavis told me'.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Dear David - Votes ... again

Dear David

Are you planning to stay up all night to watch the election coverage so you can join in all the excitement?

David Responds 

Yes it is exciting isn't it.   

I am planning to stay up late ... maybe as late as 9:30 ... to catch all the latest news and gossip.

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Dear David - Votes ... again

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician and I've been out campaigning.

I've had a right week, I've been all over.  I've patted cows on the head and fed children (or was it the other way around?).  I've worn a high-vis jacket (I quite liked that; I looked like a builder) and I've been in a factory with some poor people.  I've had a nice time but my feet are killing me.  But now it is all over and I am not sure what to do next. Can you help.


David Responds

Oh you have been busy haven't you but since you haven't signed your name I am not quite sure which one you are.

What happens next I suppose depends on the result ... over to you dear reader ...

... vote for Britain.

Monday, 4 May 2015

Dear David - Star Wars

Dear David

Why is the fourth of May called Star Wars day?

David Responds

May the fourth.

Saturday, 2 May 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David forgot which football team he supported - it happens to people all the time;
  • Sam got a tattoo;
  • the Queen was no longer in the UK's top richest people;
  • the Queen said 'I knew we shouldn't have forked out to get all those windows replaced;
  • Chris ran a marathon;
  • David is having his 40th birthday in Morocco; 
  • some politicians were getting fed up with being asked questions;
  • Kate and William have been married four years:
  • Kate had a baby girl;
  • Someone called William put £30 million on the royal baby being called Rumpelstiltskin;
  • boxers were going to have a boxing match - I suppose if you are a boxer that is the sort of thing you do;
  • David had his credit card declined in a restaurant;
  • the waiter said 'oh you're that boxer aren't you ... the bill ... err ... no that's fine'; and
  • Tom is going to play at Alnwick castle.


I had to ring the bell at the Patisserie this morning ...

Agatha came out from the back ... 'Oh it's you' she said, wiping her hands on her apron.

'Hello' I smiled

'What do you want this week' she asked ... 'some peach apple turnovers, she suggested 'or some rhubarb strawberry tarts' she laughed 'or maybe a pear lemon meringue pie?'

'Very funny.'  Rotten old bag.