Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Dear David - Votes ... again

Dear David

I saw Russell Brand on the telly and I was thinking of not voting in the election, but I don't know who to not vote for.  Can you help?

David Responds

... let me read that again ... who to not vote for?

This is quite tricky.  It can be difficult to decide who to vote for when you can pick only one, so I suppose deciding who not to vote for is harder as there are a lot not to choose.

Why don't you try and narrow it down a bit, first don't vote for anyone who doesn't live locally.  Next eliminate the ones that have a party colour that doesn't go with your outfit, then don't vote for any that  look a bit shifty.  

If there are any left, just don't vote for them.

Actually I have better advice - stop listening to Russell Brand and get out and vote.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Dear David - No Reply

Dear David

Why have you not replied to any of my letters?  Photograph of me enclosed.

David Responds

Not replied to your letters?  Are you sure ... I thought I was right up to date.

Oh you have enclosed a photograph ...

... I like these letters ... with photographs in them ...

Fishing it out of the envelope ...

... let's have a look ...

Oh's you.  I thought I recognised the crayon.

We had this all out in the court case ... I distinctly remember the judge saying you were a right nuisance and you were even getting on his nerves and how he could only imagine what I had been through.

You agreed in future you would only write under supervision of your keeper and only if your question was really important.

If your question is important, and I mean really important, not one of your stupid questions like why are trains heavy, or if you were an octopus how would you know which shoe to put on first, then I will deal with it.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Olly and Caroline are doing X Factor; 
  • The Queen had a birthday – she is 89 you know; 
  • the Queen got a 21 gun salute in her front garden; 
  • the Queen said 'ooh what a fright, I forget about that year'; 
  • June is going to be a nun in EastEnders; 
  • Nigel said he fully supported the NHS;
  • Nigel has a bad back;
  • Nigel said he is having private treatment for his back because he is a bit busy;
  • Gwyneth and Chris are getting divorced in LA; 
  • no one wanted to go on the Hopkins chat show - I'm not surprised; 
  • Louis got sacked from X Factor – again; 
  • Robin isn't doing Strictly again this year; 
  • someone did a card trick on BGT that you can buy for a fiver off of Amazon; and
  • Queen Barbra was 73.

Dear David - Votes ... again

Dear David

I voted yesterday - if I can do it why do we need to wait till next month for the result?

David Responds

You have voted?  Oh you must have done it by post.  I suppose that is safer after the trouble you had the last time when you went in person.

I seem to recall you had a bit of bother with the big lad on the desk when you said you didn't like the look of any of them on the ballot paper and did he have any others you could have a look at.

And he said it was an election not a pick and mix and he said to get a  move on and choose one because you were causing a tailback.

And you said you needed time to think about who to vote for, and he said he was sick of all these old dears with purple rinses coming in hanging around all day cluttering up the place.

Then you said who was he calling an old dear - and he said you and what were you going to do about it.  And you said 'nothing', you were just asking and anyway it wasn't purple it was mauve.

So I think it was a good idea to post your vote, but I think you still have to wait.


Agatha was humming a tune when I got to the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said 'for a change I think I'll have two pineapple peach Melbas'

'Pineapple peach Melbas?' she asked

'Yes, pineapple peach Melbas'

'You can't get pineapple peach Melbas'

'You can'

'You can't'

'You can'

'You can't'

'You can .. ASDA do them'

'ASDA do pineapple peach Melbas?  No they don't, there is no such thing'

'There is, they were created for the famous Australian soprano Dame Nellie peach Melba'

'You said they were pineapple'

'Well err ... they have pineapple ones'.

'So who were they created for then ... Dame Nellie pineapple Melba?' laughed Agatha

Just then the manager came in ... 'What was that about ASDA?' he said

'Nothing' we replied jointly

Friday, 24 April 2015

Dear David - Geometric

Dear David

I see geometric t-shirts seem to be in fashion this season, I am worried in case one of the parties is going to promise to ban them after the election.  Do you think I look nice in mine?

David Responds

Geometric designs oh how interesting … Is that what young people are wearing, I do like to keep up with the latest fashions.

Oh and you have sent a photograph of you in your nice new geometric top …

… I like these letters … with photos in them …

… fishing it out of the envelop …

… let’s have a look ..

Good lord … what sort of shape is that … we only did up to dodecahedrons at school.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Dear David - Tesco

Dear David

I am the chief executive of a major supermarket and I've just lost over £6 billion.  I need to get more people into my supermarkets.  Please help because I am dead fed up.

David Responds

Oh that is a lot of money isn't it.

How to get more people in your shops ... oh I'm not sure ... that's a tricky one ... oh I know ... have you thought about doing a 'Two for One' on peach Melbas?

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Dear David - Votes ... again

Dear David

What about a little hamster wearing a tartan tam o’shanter?


David Responds

Aawww …

… No, stop it … giving people little pets in return for voting for you isn't appropriate.

Let me have a quick look through your manifesto and I will see if I can spot something nice.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Dear David - Votes ... again

Dear David

Thank you for your reply … scratch the kittens then …what about a free puppy? Perhaps a free puppy in a kilt, given free to everyone who votes for me?

David Responds

That isn’t much better, I think puppies are more expensive than kittens. Anyway where would you get 30 million puppies?

No I don’t think free livestock is the answer, if you want to get people to vote for you why don’t you … errr … ooh I know … why don’t you try to be less annoying.

Monday, 20 April 2015

Dear David - Votes ... again

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician in Scotland and I quite fancied being in charge of Scotland, but I've had a bit of fun in the last few weeks and I think I would quite like to be in charge of the whole country. I think it might be quite difficult so I was thinking of giving everyone a kitten if they vote for me. What do you think?


David Responds

Oh that does sound difficult doesn’t it. I notice you haven’t signed your letter, but I think I might have worked out who you are – but don’t worry I won’t let on.

So Nicola … oh damn I wasn't going to say that ... sorry.

Never mind, now to your proposal, I think it sounds like a lot of kittens and some of them are quite expensive.

Why don't you promise something you can afford?

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Lewis threw some champagne in a woman's face - what a strange thing to do;
  • Madonna kissed a lad and he didn't like it;
  • the orange one went on holiday to Cape Verde;
  • the orange one said she wanted to have more children with her husband;
  • the orange one was a bit vague on specifying which husband;
  • some people were having talent;
  • Cheryl has red hair;
  • some of the ones that made the Star Wars movies have made another one ... I think ... I've never seen one so I'm not sure; and
  • there is a Batman and Superman one out there as well - I must go to the pictures one day;
  • the nice lady with the beehive was on the telly again;
  • the one that drinks beer and smokes tabs shouted at the audience;
  • the Queen got a second at the races;
  • the Queen said 'I should have had each way' and 
  • James has thrown as many balls as Ian - or caught as many ... not sure which - it isn't very clear as it doesn't say.


After the Opposition leader's debate an interviewee said he thought Nicola Sturgeon did really well and he would vote for her if he could, but he can't as he is English living in England.

I am still working that one through ...


Agatha was arranging her bloomers when I arrived this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said

'Morning' replied Agatha.  'How did you get on with that cake I sold you last week ... the one with fewer calories than normal?'

'Well it was alright, but one peach Melba between two didn't go very far, and I am not sure it worked'


'Yes, I had a night out in the Blue Raccoon planned and I wanted to lose four pounds'

'You thought you could lose four pounds in a day by eating half a peach Melba?'


'And you didn't?'


'So do you want two peach Melbas this week ... ?

'Better make it a couple of eccles cakes.'

'They are quite fattening mind' warned Agatha 'all that butter pastry'

'Have you got eccles cakes that have fewer calories then?'

'Yes' ... she gave me a handful of currants.

Miserable old bag.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Dear David - Peppers

Dear David

I read some healthy eating research that said if you ate a pepper every day for six weeks it could make you more attractive.  What do you think?  Photograph enclosed.

David Responds

I've never heard that tip before, how interesting.

Oh ... a letter ... with a photograph in ...

... I like these letters ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

... Let's have a look ...

Good lord ... try two peppers a day.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Dear David - Manifesto

Dear David

I've just launched my party's manifesto and I think it is really nice.  I am going to give everyone lots of things including a free kitten if they vote for me.   What do you think?

David Responds

I think you might be pushing it with the free kitten.

Saturday, 11 April 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Bonnie is joining EastEnders; and
  • Denise is already in EastEnders;
  • Daniel had some knee surgery - it's dead dangerous being James; 
  • Gwyneth is seeing Brad; 
  • the Duke of Kent had an accident on holiday at Balmoral; 
  • the Duke of Kent was in hospital with a dislocated hip; 
  • the Duke of Kent said 'has anyone replaced that light bulb in the kitchen; 
  • the Duke of Kent said 'what a stupid place to put a coffee table; 
  • Cherie wore a tatty old raincoat to listen to one of Tony's speeches; 
  • the Queen went for a ride on a horse in Windsor Great Park;
  • David went on holiday to the Maldives with Jimmy; 
  • Hilary thought she might quite like to have a crack at being President; and
  • Sue might be doing that programme about cars - the one that that dead rough one used to do but doesn't anymore after he gave his work colleague a smack in the face but loads of people said it was ok because the programme was about cars.

Dear David - Oil

Dear David

I have just found £100 billion barrels of oil just outside Gatwick airport.  What should I do with it?

David Responds

It has been a right week for people finding things.

That is quite a lot of oil and probably more than you need or can store in your garage.  Why don't you see if a neighbour has an old potting shed you can rent for a few weeks to put it in while you arrange to sell your surplus oil.

Please store flammable substances sensibly.


Agatha was dusting her buns at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning' I said 'What with all those Easter eggs at the weekend, I was wondering if you had anything with fewer calories this week?'

'Fewer calories?'  queried Agatha


'Like what?'

'I don't know ... just something with fewer calories'

'What do you mean "fewer calories" ... fewer than what had when?'

'Well ... err ... just fewer than it had last week'

'You want to know if I have anything this week that has fewer calories than it did a week ago?'


'No  ... I haven't ... although ....'  Agatha paused ...

'... Yes?'

'I could charge you for two cakes and only give you one.  That would have fewer calories.'

'That is very kind of you.'

Dear David - Alarms

Dear David

I work in a security firm near Hatton Garden and I monitor the alarms.  I keep hearing this ringing noise and it is dead annoying.  How can I make it stop?

David Responds

Oh that is annoying isn't it.

You don't say whether the ringing sound is coming from outside or inside.  If it is outside; try closing your windows and turn your music up a bit.

If it is inside, try and find where it is coming from and if you have a nice cushion see if you can smother it to reduce the noise.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Dear David - Diamonds

Dear David

I recently ... errr ... found ... yes that's what I did ... I found £200 million in diamonds.  Any tips for what I can do with them?


David Responds

Goodness that is a lot of diamonds ... but when you say 'found' how exactly did you find them?  It seems an awful lot of diamonds to leave lying around.

Why don't you put a little sign on a lamp post near where you found them (like people do when they lose a kitten) and see if anyone claims them.

Let me know in a fortnight and I will see if I can think of anything you can do with them in the meantime.

Sunday, 5 April 2015

Dear David - Large Hadron Collider

Dear David

Is it true now that now the large hadron collider is back in operation they are going to use it to try and find a UKIP policy that is reasonable?

David Responds

The large hadron collider is powerful ... it is not that powerful.

Saturday, 4 April 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Zayn went on holiday with Prince Edward ... Perrie Edwards;
  • Gwyneth and Chris were on holiday as well; 
  • Stacey is seeing a jackass - how strange;
  • Rita wore a black felt beret;
  • Rita needs one of those little fluff removers;
  • Justin's bad boy days are over - no more throwing eggs for Justin;
  • James played his last;
  • Kat and Alfie are leaving EastEnders - again; while
  • Thunderbirds are back on the telly;
  • Zayn got married - well that is what is says here; and 
  • Andy is getting married next week; while
  • Charles and Camilla have been married 10 years ... is it ten years already.


Agatha was stacking her shelves when I got to the Patisserie this morning.

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll have a Simnel cake what with it being Easter.'

'Oh god, do you never ask for anything simple' said Agatha in exasperation

'What do you mean?'  I was a bit taken aback

'Well you are always wanting things we haven't got or I've never heard of. Do you not want some thing ordinary like doughnuts or yum yums'

'Yum yums?  What are they?'

Agatha described them.  'Oh I don't like the sound of them.  Anyway I can't eat foods with the letter 'Y' in them'

'What?' laughed Agatha

'I can't eat food with the letter Y in them'.

'You're joking ...'

'No, I once fainted in the Golden Rupee when they brought me a curry when they ran out of eggs to make me an omelette'

'For goodness sake ... have you never thought of going to ASDA?'

I wonder what she meant by that.

Friday, 3 April 2015

Dear David - Interviews the Queen

It has been sometime since Dear David interviewed Her Majesty the Queen but today I am in a small reception room at Buckingham Palace with the Queen for this Easter special ...

'Hello' I began

'Hello ... oh it's you again'

'Hello' I smiled 'you remember me then?'

'Yes.  We've met a few times.  You asked me stupid questions about my dresses, shoes and hats.  And last time you made me late for a meeting with the Pope.  What do you want this time?'

'I thought for a change we would talk about something more serious than your dresses.'

'That would be nice.  What do you want to talk about?'

'I thought what with a general election coming up we could talk about that.'

'I can't.'

'Go on.'


'Go on.'


'Go on.'

'No - look I can't talk about it'.

'Oh ok well ... errr ... do you know who you are going to vote for?'

'I don't have a vote.'

'You don't?'


'Why not?  Are you a prisoner?  Have you got a tag on?'

'No of course not'

'Are you mad?'


'Why don't you have a vote then?'

'Because I'm Queen.  It isn't allowed.'

'Oh.  That doesn't seem very fair, don't you mind?'

'Not really.  I'd have to go to the community center to vote and going out the house is a right faff.'

'Who would you vote for if you did have a vote?'

'I can't tell you that.'

'Go on.'


'Go on.  I won't tell anyone'


'Would it be ... eerrr ... the one that wears a stripey suit and drinks beer?'


Would it be the one that wears a yellow tie but shouldn't because it drains all his colour?'


'Would it be ... the one that looks like Jimmy Krankie'

'Oh no, I couldn't vote for her.  I have a house in Scotland they might never let me back in.'

'Would it be the one ... that ... errr ... wore the pale grey suit that made her blend into the background?'

'Which one was that?'

'I'm not sure'

'Would it be ... errr ... ooh I know ... the one with the foreign accent that I thought was going to say 'I'll tell Miss Cathcart?'

'Oh I liked her.'

'So did I, wasn't she nice.'

'Yes but I can't vote for her.'

'That's a shame.  Well I think that was all of them. Have I missed anyone?'

'I don't think so.'

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Dear David - Leaders Debate

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician and tonight I have to take part in a TV debate. I’m not looking forward to it because the other people being interviewed are riff raff and they are dead common. Do you have any tips?

David Responds

Oh dear that sounds awful ... is it on tonight?  I'll just check my TV guide ... oh yes there it is ... 8 o'clock ... what a shame I will miss it, Animals Do the Funniest Things is on the other side.  

I’m not sure what to advise, if they are dead common why not stand at the back and keep away a bit. 

I have a feeling they might argue a lot ... just let them go on, try to keep out of the discussion as much as you can and they might not notice you are there.

Oh and don’t forget to tape Emmerdale before you go out. It’s an hour special so allow extra tape in case it over runs.