Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Dear David - Gales

Dear David

We had very strong winds and gales last night and someone said it was ‘blowing a hoolie’. What does ‘blowing a hoolie’ mean?

David Responds

It means blowing a strong wind or gale.

Monday, 30 March 2015

Dear David - One Direction ... again

Dear David

I've just found out that I haven't got onto the shortlist for the One Direction replacement, I'm gutted do you think there was something wrong with my pic?

C

David Responds

Oh I am disappointed for you, never mind maybe you will get another chance when Harry leaves in six months time.

Oh you have enclosed a photograph of your audition …

… I like these letters …

… with photographs in them …

… fishing it out of the envelope …

… let’s have a look …

Ah well … I know I said you should wear a hat for your audition … and maybe it is my fault for saying wear a big hat … and normally I would say a sou'wester is a very sensible hat, in the right weather conditions … but I really meant one of those modern woolly hats.

On the positive side, the sou'wester does go very well with your overcoat, and if there had been a sudden downpour … and you had been on a ship … you would have been very well prepared, but I think, overall, your outfit might have been a little restricting when you were on stage.

If you go for another audition try wearing something a little more modern.

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Gordon got a new car;
  • Gordon's new car cost £1 million - ****in ****;
  • Zayn left One Direction;
  • Zayn said he wanted to be a normal 22 year old;
  • Zayn said 'what do you mean I need to have £30 thousand student loan debt, no savings and no prospect of getting the deposit on a house till I am in my 30s?'
  • Joan got her Sirdamehoodship off of Charles;
  • Mary was 80;
  • Mary said 'oh don't light all the candles at once;
  • David said he was packing it in, in five years time;
  • Jeremy was told he was packing it in now; and 
  • Dermot got sent packing as well;
  • Olly thought 'oh I'd quite like that job'; and
  • Harry went to see Cressida do her new play.

Dear David - One Direction

Dear David

I hear there is a vacancy in One Direction - do you think I should apply?  Photograph enclosed.

C

David Responds

Yes I did see something on the news about one of them leaving, what a good idea to get in there first with an application.

Oh and you have enclosed a photograph ...

... I like these letters ...

... with photographs in them ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ... let's have a look ..

Ah ... yes ... well ... isn't that a nice photograph ... don't you look smart in your nice new overcoat. Where was that photo taken?  At the beach? It looks lovely and warm on the sand there, did you make that castle?  I bet you had a lovely day.

You are a little older than I thought you might be, perhaps you went grey prematurely?  It is a very nice shade of grey, and I don't think they have a band member with that colour hair so you will stand out, but it is quite ... now what is the word  ... wispy ... yes that is the word ... wispy.  Perhaps you should wear a hat if you get an audition ... yes wear a hat ... a big hat.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was sprinkling sugar on her doughnuts at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said 'Have you got two big squashing buns?'

'I beg your pardon'

‘Hot Cross’

‘What cross?’

‘Hot cross’

‘What hot cross - stop saying cross’

‘Hot cross buns.  Little buns … for Easter … they have little crosses on them’

‘Are they hot?’

‘No they are not hot’

‘Why are they called hot then?

‘I don’t know, they just are’

‘Should they not be called ‘cold cross buns’ then?’ asked Agatha

‘Should they not be called “cold cross buns”?’ I queried

‘Yes’

‘No’

‘Oh – well what about them?’

‘Have you got any? What with it being Easter next weekend?’

‘So you want some cold hot cross buns?’

‘Yes’

‘We don’t do them'.

Miserable old bag.

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Dear David - Hairy Hats

Dear David

Why do the Queen's soldiers wear hairy hats?

David responds

What a funny question.

I don't think the Queen does wear hair hats, unless you mean Camilla and what she wore when she married Charles and that wasn't hairy it was more an ostrich feather.

Oh wait a minute ... let me read that letter again ... ah ... yes ... no ... you mean the the Queen's guards  ... why do they wear hairy hats.

I think the soldiers you mean are the Life Guards at Buckingham Palace.



On ceremonial occasions the Life Guards wear a scarlet tunic, a metal cuirass and a matching helmet with a white plume worn bound on the top into an 'onion' shape, the exception to this is the regiment's trumpeters who wear a red plume.



In addition, the Life Guards wear their chin strap below their lower lip, as opposed to the Blues and Royals who wear it under their chin. On service dress the Life Guards wear a red lanyard on the right shoulder, as well as a Sam Browne belt.

Dear David - Retired

Dear David

I have just taken voluntary retirement as I've been really stressed making vast amount of money in the prime of my life. What do you think I should do for the rest of my life?

David Responds

Have you thought about marrying Yoko Ono?

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Dear David - Five More Years ... again

Dear David

I saw your reply to my letter and I didn't like your answer to my problem. I am in a right mess and all you did was talk about sausages. Now give me a proper response.

David Responds

Don’t you take that tone with me, just because you are Prime Minister it doesn't mean … oops sorry your letter was confidential wasn't it.

Well anyway it isn't my fault you created a problem then sought my advice – you are supposed to ask my advice before you take any action.

I thought we agreed that after that time you left your child in the pub and you got a load of grief in the Daily Mail.

Actually now you are here, you might be able to help me … I've just had a letter off of a Boris wanting to know how big the windows are in number 10. What a funny question.

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Dear David - Five More Years

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician, actually I am a party leader (but I would prefer to not say which one) and I recently gave an interview saying I am thinking of packing it in, in five years time.

I wish I had never said anything now, I’ve had loads of comments about how I’m arrogant for assuming I am going to win the next election and how complicated it will be to get someone else in when I leave in 2020. Not to mention all the fuss because I mentioned our Boris, and a couple of others … I forget their names now.

I’ve got myself in a right mess - what do you think?

David Responds

Oh I might have seen that interview … what do I think? I think those sausages looked nice.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Michelle isn't dating Shayne;
  • Shayne left Michelle's house at 8 am;
  • Shayne popped round Michelle's for a cup of sugar one morning;
  • Wayne took up boxing;
  • Wayne took up lying down;
  • D and G apologised when they thought their profits might evaporate;
  • Kanye is doing Glastonbury;
  • Zayn was on a world tour;
  • Zayn had a night out;
  • Zayn said 'I'm sure I have forgotten something';
  • Zayn was suffering from stress - otherwise known as furious phone call from girlfriend;
  • Kylie left Jay Z; and
  • Neighbours was 30 ... Neighbours were 30 ... Neighbours was 30.

Dear David - Time

Dear David

When the clocks change next weekend, will now be later than it is now or sooner?

David Responds

Later.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was singing when I got to the Patisserie this morning ...

'Oh you seem a bit perkier than you were last week' I said

'Yes .. I err had a ... 24 hour bug, yes that's what I had ... a 24 hour bug' replied Agatha

'A 24 hour hangover more like'

'What was that?'

'Oh nothing, just Mavis on the checkout said you had been on pints of cider and black with Whiskey chasers all night in the Blue Raccoon'

'Oh did she?'

'Yes, Mavis on the checkout said you were knocking them back like they were going out of fashion'

'I'll have to have a word with her' said Agatha with a grimace

'Mavis on the checkout said you were trying to drink a pint out of your sandal'

'Mavis on the checkout has a big mouth' said Agatha

'Mavis on the checkout said you had a dust up with the manager because he said he didn't like the look of your baps and he put you on a warning'

'Mavis on the checkout is looking for a fat lip'

Agatha seemed a bit tense,so I got my usual and left.

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Dear David - The Laughing Donkey

Dear David

I've reserved the Laughing Donkey VIP area for our belated Christmas and New Year's night out.  I think the VIP area has gone up in price - is that ok?

David Responds

Oh you have booked it ... I thought you might have forgotten ... what with it being three months ago ..

I don't know how they get away with calling that a VIP area, it's only two cones stuck in front of the fruit machines.

But now I come to think of it, I thought you were barred from the Laughing Donkey?  After you said that big lad on the door looked like him off of the Chuckle Brothers, and he said he would give you something to chuckle about and you said him and who's army.

Then all hell broke loose and that one with the funny eyes behind the bar called the police and you got dragged off for a night in the cells.  And I had to go round the police station of a Monday to bail you out.  And you said I took my time, and I said  I would have been there sooner only I had such a head of the Sunday and couldn't face it.

Anyway after that night I thought the manager said he didn't want to see you back there as you were a trouble maker?

Why not try the Blue Racoon instead ... oh no wait a minute ...

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Dear David - Budget Day

Dear David

I saw in the papers it was budget day.  What's that?

David Responds

Budget day is very important.  It will be all over the news today and newspapers will write 100s of pages about it. There will be graphs and tables and everything.

The best part is when ITV news interview an ordinary family of four (two parents one boy and one girl) and they will tell us the budget means they will be £1.27 a week better off.  It is very exciting.

Monday, 16 March 2015

Dear David - Eclipse

Dear David

I have heard we are getting an eclipse at the weekend and it will put the whole world into everlasting darkness and cause unheard terror.  Can you give me some tips to survive it?

David Responds

Have you been reading the Daily Mail?

I don't think it will be quite that bad - as for tips to survive it .. why not put the living room light on?

Saturday, 14 March 2015

Dear David - The Voice

Dear David

Can't they all just be knocked out?

David Responds

I think they all do get knocked out ... one at a time ... and the last one in doesn't win anything

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Perrie wasn't wearing her engagement ring;
  • the Queen launched a ship;
  • the Queen said 'I've launched a lot of these';
  • the Queen said 'I'm nearly 89 you know';
  • Jeremy said 'What do you  mean there is no hot soup?'
  • Jeremy got an unexpected few days off work;
  • the orange one met that woman at Cheltenham;
  • Dermot was dancing for 24 hours;
  • David has been flogging his after shave for 10 years;
  • Calum has a new book out - I don't mean out the library, I mean he wrote one ... it says here; 
  • Kate and William are looking for a housekeeper; 
  • Vladimir has been seen out in public for the first time in two weeks - well it has been dead cold out recently; and 
  • Gandhi got a new statue.

Dear David - People ... again

Dear David

I saw your reply to my letter about people, did it occur to you I might not have wanted it to be published?

anon

David Responds

Yes, of course it did, just before I published it.

Evil is in there for a reason.

Dear David - People

Dear David

I sometimes have difficulty relating people but someone suggested I try and categorise people to try and help me work out how to react to them. Do you think it is a good idea and can you help with the categories?

anon

David Responds

Ooh this is a difficult one isn't it.

Categorising people is fraught with danger, but I can see how you might find it helpful.

As for the categories I find you only need three, evil, bonkers or nice just about covers it.

Sainsbury's

There was no sign of anyone on the counter at the Patisserie this morning ...

I waited a few moments then pressed the little bell ...

Eventually Agatha came slowly out from the back.

'God you look rough' I said

'Thanks' she croaked

'What happened to you'

'I was in the Blue Raccoon till 3 this morning'

'Oh I didn't know you got in there.'

'Sometimes of a Sunday, but I was at a do last night'

'Oh ... You don't go in of a Saturday do you?'

'No not usually of a Saturday'  Agatha's eyes narrowed ...'Why?'

'No reason.'

Friday, 13 March 2015

Dear David - Emails

Dear David

I was thinking of running to be the next President of the United States but I got myself into a bit of bother because I deleted 30,000 emails. Do you think it is important?

David Responds

I wouldn’t worry about it, we had someone over here deleted three million emails and she got away with it.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Dear David - TV Presenter

Dear David

I am a rather well known TV presenter, but I find I have an unexpected few days off work.  Any ideas on what I can do on my unplanned holiday?

anon

David Responds

Oh how lovely - a few days off work.

I see you haven't signed your letter, but I think I know who you are ... why don't you have a day round the shops and get some new clothes.

Those jeans you wear could find their own way to the launderette - if they have ever been there.  And that jacket hasn't been fashionable since Smokey was in the charts with 'Living next door to Alice'.

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Dear David - Gravity

Dear David

I have seen in the TV guide there is a programme on tonight about gravitational waves. I am very worried about it as I can’t swim and I often fall over. What should I do?

David Responds

Yes I saw that advertised but I don’t think it is anything to worry about, well not just at the moment anyway.

Why don’t you watch from an armchair, sit right back and grip the arms firmly. You should be ok.

Monday, 9 March 2015

Dear David - Poldark

Dear David

I saw the new series of Poldark at the weekend and I loved it. I am thinking of getting a horse so I can gallop along the beach every night after work. What do you think?

David Responds

Yes it was marvellous wasn’t it.

I notice from the postmark on your letter, that you live in Birmingham. I think you might have difficulty finding a beach to ride along in Dudley, but still if it is what you want, then give it a try.

Oh and you have enclosed a photograph of yourself …

… I like these letters … with photographs ...

… fishing it out of the envelope …

… let’s have a look …

Ah … Get a big horse.

Saturday, 7 March 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Nigella isn't doing US TV anymore; 
  • Nigel said he wouldn't cap immigration after all; 
  • Nigel said it wasn't a U turn, just a re-alignment; 
  • maybe Nigel is a proper politician after all; 
  • Giorgio said Madonna could be very difficult; 
  • Britney's hair fell off; while 
  • Our Cheryl had hers cut off; 
  • Harrison had a bit of a crash; 
  • Alan is getting a statue; 
  • Sturgeon was grilled in Inverness – oh dear; 
  • the orange one went out for dinner with her latest husband;
  • the orange one's latest husband was wearing a tatty jumper on his night out;
  • the orange one's husband has had his clothing allowance cut since he he went off with that other bird; while 
  • Kelly went out for dinner with a male friend.

Dear David - TV Debate

Dear David

I am the leader of a major political party and I think I might have agreed to have a live debate on TV but I don't fancy it much.  Any ideas on how I can get out of it?

David Responds

Oh you have got yourself into a pickle haven't you.  But I can see why you don't think it is a good idea.

Why don't you get a few others to join you, maybe you could get lost in the crowd.  Or what about saying you are available, just not at the times they want to have the debates?  That might work.

If not why not get Ken Dodd to join you, he is quite funny and he could probably tell a few jokes if you are asked a tricky question.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was quietly tending her shelves at the Patisserie …

‘Hello’ I said ‘What with it being nearly Easter I think I’ll have a Simnel cake’

‘A Simnel cake? What’s that?

‘It’s a cake … with simnels in it … it’s for Easter.’

‘I've never heard of it’ replied Agatha ‘Is this one of your daft ideas where you try to make me get a load of stuff in that doesn't exist?’

'No honest Simnel cake is for Easter'

'What are simnels then?'

'Well they are  ... eer like nuts ... no, more like seeds.  Yes they are little seed things in the cake.  Like a seed cake ... only simnels.  

'Oh ok then, but we haven't got any at the minute, I'll ask the manager and get try and get some for next week.  What can I get you in the meantime?'

'I'll have two peach melbas'

'We haven't got any'

'You haven't got any?'

'Yes'

'... You haven't got any?'

'Yes, I haven't' she smiled.

Miserable old bag.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Dear David - Alpaca

Dear David

I am thinking of getting an alpaca.  It would be great for my knitting as I would save a fortune on wool. What do you think?

Ethel

David Responds

Oh hello Ethel dear, I haven't heard from you for a while.  I thought I might have seen you back down at the community center now that your ban is up.  We must have a catch up soon.

Now what were you asking ... oh yes ... an alpaca.  I thought we discussed this the last time when you said you fancied getting a pony.  I think we agreed that since you live on a fifth floor flat it wasn't very practical.

I know wool is a bit of a price, but all things considered I think it would be cheaper, and easier, just to buy a few balls of 4ply when you need it.

Monday, 2 March 2015

Dear David - Dates

Dear David

I have enclosed a profile for your dating service 'Dear David Dates'.  I hope you can fix me up.  Also enclosed a photograph.

David Responds

Oh I haven't had one of these letters for ages ... let's see what you have written ...

... oh it's on a separate sheet of paper ...

... ah yes here it is ... tall ... blah blah ... dark ... good looking ... blah blah ... 30s ... sense of humour.

That all seems very positive ... let's have a look at the photograph ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

Good lord, when you said 30s I didn't think you meant 1930s.  Leave it with me, I'll see what I can do.

Sunday, 1 March 2015

Dear David - Easter

Dear David

The Wizard of Oz is on channel 4, is it Easter already?

David Responds

Don't be ridiculous, The Wizard of Oz is only on of a Christmas.  Let's have a look at the TV guide ... Friday ... Saturday  ... Sunday ... am ... pm ... ah here we are ... BBC ... Channel 4 ...

Oh it is on ... that's funny.  It's normally only on of a Christmas.

I suppose The Wizard of Oz is sort of Eastery, but they don't normally put special things on the telly of an Easter.

I haven't seen any adverts for sofas, but then you don't usually buy a sofa of an Easter, it's only really Christmas where you have to have people in your house long enough for them to want to sit down.

I will check out the date and get back to you.