Saturday, 28 February 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • After a fortnight of marriage Katie renewed her solemn vows;
  • Katie renewed her vows in a pink dress;
  • Katie was running out of colours for wedding dresses;
  • Katie got a new spread in Hello;
  • Eddie won an Oscar;
  • Benedict said 'I'm dead fed up of this';
  • Gaga was in charge of building some stairs at the Brits;
  • Madonna said 'should I wear this cape to the Brits or do you think I can get away with a cardi?';
  • Madonna said ‘do you not think this cape is a bit big?’; 
  • Madonna said ‘Did you remember to put that hem in me cape like I asked?’;
  • some people won some awards at the Brits;
  • Harry packed in the army; while 
  • Ferne packed in Radio One. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was back on Patisserie …

‘Oh hello’ I said I missed you last week, were you off?’

‘Er no’ Agatha replied ‘I was on a … er training day, yes that’s what I was on, I was on a training day’.

‘Oh that’s nice. What did you learn?  Did you learn how to unpack boxes’ I said with a small titter.

‘What was that? she snapped ‘What did you say about boxes?’

‘Oh nothing', I said hastily ... 'I didn't mention boxes, I just said that a training day sounds nice’

'Well it was ok. ‘What do you want then?’

‘Can I have two peach Melbas …

... and can you put them in a box?’

Friday, 27 February 2015

Dear David - LLAP

Dear David

I'm devastated LLAP.

David Responds

I know BMUS

Thursday, 26 February 2015

Dear David - Broadchurch

Dear David

I have just watched the last episode of season 2 of Broadchurch. Is the one that done it the same as the one that done it at the end of the first series?

David Responds

I have no idea.

Dear David - Madonna

Dear David has an urgent message for Madonna …

Hello dear, sorry I've just received your letter, I hope I’m not too late …

… not really no, I don’t think walking up a flight of stairs singing a song wearing a big cape is such a good idea – Health and safety will have a fit.

Why don’t you stand behind a microphone and sing your songs like that nice Petulia Clark used to do.

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Dear David - Green

Dear David

I am the leader of a fairly successful political party (although you might never have heard of me) and I was wondering if you had any tips for being interviewed?

David Responds

Tips …. err for ….what was it again … err interviews …. Err yes … I err do have …figures … err no not figures … I don't have figures ... Oh my mind has gone a blank …what was it again?  Yes … interviews … that was it ... there should be ... things … what was it again?   Oh yes interviews.  There should definitely be interviews, and figures on err … what was it again?

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Dear David - Guitar

Dear David

I have just heard they are having the guitar World Cup at Christmas. I didn't even know there was a guitar World Cup, but I don't think they should have it at Christmas.

David Responds

Qatar World Cup.

Monday, 23 February 2015

Dear David - Mars ... again

Dear David

I have been selected to go on a one way trip to Mars, it must mean I am very clever.  I am very excited, what do you think?

David Responds

I don’t think it means you are very clever, I think it means you were the only one to apply.

You do understand that it is a one way ticket ... and that you can’t buy another one way ticket home when you get there don’t you?

Saturday, 21 February 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Boris said he was going to give up his US citizenship to save paying US taxes;
  • Boris said 'sorry that should read ... to show my commitment to being UK Prime Minister';
  • Boris said 'sorry that should say ... to show my commitment to the UK';
  • Lewis was heartbroken when Nicole dumped him a few weeks ago;
  • Lewis had a holiday in New York;
  • Lewis was seen with a blonde;
  • Lewis likes living in Switzerland so he can count his money more easily;
  • Lewis doesn't get negative press coverage because he drives a fast car; 
  • Gaga got engaged; while 
  • Patrick is getting divorced; 
  • The universe came to a shuddering end when an actress on EastEnders live called an actor by his real name; 
  • Camilla wore some jewels;
  • some people didn't murder Lucy;
  • Kaff came back to life;
  • Robbie dyed his hair ... a few times;
  • Zayn wasn't well in Australia; and 
  • Sam got chucked by Syco.

George Osborne

The news tells us that George Osborne is putting £300 million into research on dementia.

He said he found this money to invest and wanted to make the UK a world leader on the subject.  He said he had the money right here ... or at least he had it a minute ago ... now where did he put it ...

Dear David - Todd

Dear David

Is Todd a proper name?

David Responds

Yes, Todd is an old English name meaning fox.

Sainsbury's

There was no sign of Agatha on the Patisserie this morning …

‘Oh hello’ I said ‘It’s Margaret isn’t it … Agatha normally does me, is she not on?’

‘She is on a disciplinary’

‘Oh no, what’s she done this time?’

‘Well nothing, not really … it wasn’t her fault.’ It was on Tuesday morning. She was setting out the counter and she asked the manager what time the shroves were coming in. The manager just laughed and said there was no such things as shroves’.

‘I bet she didn’t like that’ I said

‘She didn’t’ replied Margaret ‘She said “what you laughing at?” to the manager. She said “It’s shrove Tuesday so we should be selling shroves”’

‘He said “there’s no such thing as shoves and you are dead daft for thinking there are’

‘I bet she was livid’

‘She was livid’ said Margaret ‘she said there was such things as shroves … she said they are like Eccles cakes but with icing. Then the manager really burst out laughing. And she said “What you laughing at you little pipsqueak. And he stopped laughing and said “who are you calling a little pipsqueak?” There was loads of customers watching by then … And she said “Are you daft as well as a little pipsqueak. I’m talking to you” Then the manager got dead cross and he said if she didn’t mend her ways he would have her unpacking boxes.

‘Then she said he couldn’t make her unpack boxes even if he tried’

‘Oh dear, what happened then?’

‘I’m not sure’ said Margaret ‘He made her go to his office’

‘Where’s she now?’

‘She is out the back ... unpacking boxes’.

Friday, 20 February 2015

Dear David - Nicola

Dear David

Did Nicola Sturgeon used to be Jimmy Krankkie?

David Responds

Yes

Thursday, 19 February 2015

Dear David - Mars ... again

Dear David

I saw the letter about going to Mars and I would quite like to go, but I've got a bit on in the summer so I need to be back by Derby Day.  Can you arrange it for me?

David Responds

I think you misunderstand, I’m not arranging trips to Mars and even if I was you couldn't get there and back by Derby day.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Dear David - Lucy Beale

Dear David

Who killed Lucy Beale?

David Responds

Oh what a good question, it has been exciting hasn’t it.

I’m not really sure … at first I thought it might have ben dirty Den (he was a bad person wasn’t he) but I think he left a while ago.

Then I thought it might have been that Pat, but didn't she disappear under an eiderdown?

Then I thought maybe it was that Peggy – she has a right temper on her hasn’t she – and a smart right hook.  But then no, she has an alibi, she was in Spain staying with Annie Sugden at the time.

Pauline could have done it, because she knows how to handle a frying pan, but again I'm not sure.

I'm hoping it was that Cindy ... she is right miserable.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Dear David - Mars

Dear David

I am hoping to be chosen to go on a one way space mission to Mars. I am very excited but wondered if you had any tips?

David Responds

Oh I don’t know, I've never been to Mars but I think it is quite far so I would take a couple of books. I might be worth asking if there will be a spare socket in the rocket …. Oh ‘socket in the rocket’ that’s quite funny … I like saying that ‘socket in the rocket’ … so you can plug a Kindle in if room is a bit limited on the way up there. 

 And you might want to take a pair of those socks that they give you when you fly to America. 

I would check to make sure you are not allergic to nuts in case they give you a packet when you get on board. You might want to give them a miss anyway as they can be a little dry and it might be a while before you get a glass of water.

But a one way trip to Mars … are you sure? Have you thought it through?

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Daniel hurt his knee doing the new Bond;
  • the orange one won CBB;
  • the orange one is renewing her wedding vows - I thought she had married someone else after she chucked the last one?;
  • the Jump finished - yes really;
  • Ed said some Tories were dodgy;
  • Stanley said 'if he says that outside I'll have his tripes out';
  • Nigel had some pop corn;
  • Kate went to a boat yard;
  • Tiger says he is packing in golf;
  • Benedict got married on the Isle of Wight;
  • Jude has got some new hair; and 
  • Nicholas and Moonda split up after four months of marriage - no I've never heard of them either. 

Dear David - Brian

Dear David

I am a police horse called Brian.  I have just found out they are planning to change my name to 'Thor' or maybe 'Odin'.  I don't want to change my name can you help?

Brian

David Responds

Hello ... errr Brian.  (I can't believe I am responding to a letter off of a horse - I really have to start charging for these letters).

To your question ... Brian is a fine name and I don't see why you have to change it but I am not sure what to suggest.

I suppose you could refuse to answer to any new name they give you.  So next time they say 'Come on Thor, lets go to a football match' you could just keep eating your hay and pretend you haven't heard.

But be careful though - if your policeperson rider says 'Look out Thor I think that Geordie is going to punch you' you might want to duck.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was waiting behind the counter this morning ...

'Oh hello' she said 'I'm sorry we haven't not got your shroves in yet - but we are getting some in on Tuesday'

'No you are not.  You can't get shroves in'

'We are.  I asked the manager and he said we were getting shroves in on Tuesday'

'I don't think so'

'We are'

'You're not'

'We are'

'Well what are they like then?'  I asked

'Well ... they are ... sort of .... '

'You don't know what they are.' I laughed

'I do.' Agatha snapped 'They are sort of ... err  ... small and round.  Yes they are small and round, with currents ... a bit like Eccles cakes but with icing.'

'Oh well ok ... I'll come back on Tuesday for a couple of shroves ...

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Dear David - Harriet

Dear David

Is it true that Harriet Harman has a big pink bust?

David Responds

Bus.

Dear David - Zero ... again

Dear David

Is zero an even number or an odd number?

David Responds

We had this all out the other day – zero is not a number.

But if it was, it would be an even number.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Dear David - Zero

Dear David

Is zero a number?

David Responds

No zero isn't a number, it is more a concept.  A lot of people think zero is a number but it isn't.  Let me give you an example ...

... suppose a farmer only has four sheep, then one day he loses four sheep.

It would be incorrect to say he has zero sheep.  He just has nothing.  If you wanted to say the farmer had zero sheep you would have to say he had zero cows and zero chickens and zero llamas and so on, you would be on all day listing all the things the farmer has zero of.  It would be dead confusing and you would get nothing done.

Monday, 9 February 2015

Dear David - Saving

Dear David

I am a senior politician and I am thinking of paying old rich people to vote for me.

 I was going to call it a savings scam … sorry, a savings scheme so the press didn't get onto it.  Do you think it is a good idea?

David Responds

Oh I don’t know, I’m not sure it is allowed.  Have you thought about giving to old people free cardigans instead?

Saturday, 7 February 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news: 
  • Andy said 'no I don't want to go to Australia for my holidays';
  • the Queen wore a pink coat to church;
  • the Queen says it wasn't pink, it was salmon;
  • the Queen has got ears like a bat;
  • Harry packed it in at QPR;
  • the Queen said 'no relation';
  • the Queen said 'eeeh I say that very time I hear the football scores';
  • Harper is going to write a sequel;
  • Nicole chucked Lewis - again, he is never going to marry you pet;
  • Julie is leaving Corrie;
  • The Queen watched the Jump;
  • the Queen said 'who is that big lad at the back - he looks familiar?';
  • the Queen said 'you're kidding is'; and 
  • Farage got caught in a barrage. 

Car

Buying a car ...

'Hello,' (me)

'Hello'

'I'd like to buy a used car'

'Certainly sir, we have some lovely new cars'

'I'd like to buy a used car.  A black one.'

'Indeed.  We have some new cars in all sorts of colours.  Let me show you this nice white one.'

'I'd like to buy a used car.  A black one.'

'Indeed you would sir, let me show you this brochure of new cars'

'I'd like to buy a used car.  One year old'

'And so you shall sir, I'll just find out how much this new car costs'

'I'd like to buy a used car'

'Of course sir, let me see how much trade in I can give off your old car for a new car'

'I'd like to buy a used car, one year old'.

'I won't be a minute, I'll just find out what discount we can give you off a new car'

'I'd like to buy a used car'

'The manager says the manufacturer will contribute £2,000 to the cost of a new car.'

'That's nice.  I'd like to buy a used car'

'It will cost you £xxx a month to buy a new car.'

'Ooh that's a lot.  I'd like to buy a used car'

'Ok well we can reduce that figure by £35 a month'

'That's nice.  I'd like to buy a used car'

'I can't reduce it anymore'

I understand.  I'd like to buy a used car'

'Goodbye'

'Goodbye'

Sainsbury's

I was looking for hot cross buns at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Oh it's you' said Agatha

'I think you mis-understood me last week, I only wanted to know if you had any hot cross buns in your bakery drawers'.

'So you said' she replied 'Well we don't do hot cross buns yet, it is too soon'

'How can it be too soon, it is nearly shrove Tuesday'

'What's a shrove?'

'It's not an anything, it's the Tuesday at the start of lent.  It's shrove Tuesday'

'I don't think we have any.  How many shroves do you want?'

'I don't want to buy a shrove'

'You just said you did'

'No I didn't'

'Yes you did'

'I didn't'

'You did'

'I didn't, you can't buy shroves'.

'I told you that before, I said we didn't have any.'

'Never mind, I'll have two peach Melbas'

'Don't you want hot cross buns?'

'Oh yes ... if you have any'

'We haven't got any - it is too soon'.

Miserable old bag.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Dear David - Magna Carta ... again

Dear David

I don’t think Magna Carta was burnt at the stake, that was Joan of Arc.

David Responds

Are you sure?  Let’s have a look in my encyclopedia ... flicking through the pages ... B ... G ... M ...Ma ... Mag  ... ah yes here we are Magna Carta ....  let's have a look ...

... ah no she wasn't French.  Oh yes it was about a king ... King John ... he had to sign this form at a quarter past 12.  

It was down south somewhere and these barons made him sign it ... although ... it says here something about the Archbishop of Canterbury I think he might have had something to do with it as well. 

It is a bit complicated what it is about but it is the foundation of protection of the individual against the arbitrary will of another individual.  I don't think Henry VIII was very keen on it.

Dear David - Magna Carta

Dear David

I see it is the 800 year anniversary of Magna Carta today – can you tell me a bit more about it?

David Responds

Oh yes this is very important.

Magna Carta was French and she joined the fight against the English. Eventually she was captured and she was burnt at the stake. She became a saint because she spoke to Jesus when she was in prison.

Monday, 2 February 2015

Tables

The education secretary said 100% of 11 year olds should be able to do their 12 times tables.

She went on to say they should be able to work out 11 x 12 and 11 x 11 ... that's 100 x 11s doing 12 x 12 plus 11 x 11 and 6 x 12 and 7 x 8 and 4 times 8 and 3 x 9 ....

Andrew Marr was seen calling for a nurse to attend to the education secretary.