Saturday, 31 January 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Andrew said 'It was better being a royal in the olden days' 
  • Mary got a new knee;
  • Petulia has been singing Downtown for 50 years;
  • Andy's girlfriend has a smart mouth;
  • Keira wore a coat in the rain;
  • some politicians said it is 100 days to the next election - I am already asleep;
  • McDonald's got a new Chief Executive - they could have had a taller one for an extra 40p; 
  • the Diplo thing in the British Museum is being moved to ... well somewhere else;
  • Jodie split from David - well it has been four months; 
  • Gary found a new way to avoid paying tax;
  • Gary didn't find a new way to avoid paying tax; and 
  • Beatrice has had three holidays this month - can you have 'holidays' if you don't work?

Sainsbury's

Agatha had her fancies on show at the Patisserie this morning …

‘May I have four hot cross buns dear’ I asked ‘What with it being nearly Easter.'

‘It is too soon, we don’t do hot cross buns until nearer the time’

‘Look we had all this bother at Christmas over mince pies.'  Are you sure?  Have you checked out back or in your your drawers?'

'In my drawers?'

'Yes'

'Have I got buns in my drawers?'

'Yes'

Agatha screamed and said she would call the manager if I didn't leave.

Friday, 30 January 2015

Dear David - Time ... again

Dear David

I saw your letter about how time would end if the earth was removed from the solar system but what happens on other planets where aliens live? Do they not have time? What about if I was on a space ship, would I not have time?

David Responds

What a lot of questions.

I suppose aliens on other planets will have time, but as their planets are likely to be in a different orbit cycle their years would be different to ours - either longer or shorter.

So for example say the alien planet has a shorter orbit than the earth then if their Coronation Street was on at 19:30 of a Monday - then the next week it might be on just after tea of a Saturday.

It might be a month before it is on again of a Monday at 19:30.

If Coronation Street on the alien planet is on two nights a week, it would be really confusing as you might see some episodes before the last one is shown.

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Dear David - Time ... again

Dear David

I saw your letter about how time would end if the earth was removed from the solar system. This is very inconvenient as I use earth measured days to produce my online countdown to Christmas. Can you sort this out for me?

David Responds

I really have to get someone to screen my letters for me …

… what were you asking again … oh yes the earth ...  to be honest of the two things I think the total disappearance of the earth is a bigger issue than the lack of an online calculator to Christmas.

Have you thought of taking up a hobby? What about looking at some nice trains?

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Dear David - Time

Dear David

If the earth was removed from the solar system, would time stop?

David Responds

What a funny question.

Eerr ... we count time in years and they are measured by rotations of the earth around the sun, so I suppose, if there was no planet earth we wouldn't be able to measure a year and thereby time.

So yes if the earth did not exist then time would stop.

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Dear David - Snow

Dear David

I have seen on the news that a terrible snow storm is to hit America with several feet of snow. They say it is heading for the UK and I am very worried. What should I do?

David Responds

Yes it is worrying isn’t it. Apparently as much as a quarter of an inch of snow could fall in some northern parts bringing widespread disruption, confusion and misery.

This bleak outlook was further compounded by the prediction that a snow flake could fall in Trafalgar Square, this will bring the media networks out in a frenzy of outrage against … well everyone really.

My advice is to stay indoors until this UK wide Armageddon scenario has passed … oh and if you have a 90 year old neighbour you might want to take her milk bottles in.

Monday, 26 January 2015

Kalms

You might have seen a new advert on TV for Kalms ... a product designed to relieve stress.

The voice over tells us that we 'have suffered from stress since the beginning of time.'

Now hold on one moment.

Time is not a thing which has a beginning and an end, and even if it did, we (humans) have only been around for a relatively short period (compared to the creation of the universe).  So we have not been suffering from stress since time began.

Note to the makers of Kalms ... if you are going to make a product that relieves stress .. stop making outrageous statements that cause it in the first place!

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen wore a fur hat;
  • the Queen said 'ooh isn't it cold out?'; while
  • the Pope wore a cagoule three days in a row;
  • the Pope said 'eeh mind you get your wear out of theses cagoules;
  • David and George said they didn't feel like publishing their tax returns;
  • Zayn has a haircut;
  • Some people got Television Awards;
  • Lulu is making a new album with Decca - it's not going to have that bloody awful song on it is it?;
  • Our Cheryl was in Newcastle;
  • the Geordie Shore riff raff didn't win at the Television Awards;
  • Rita won't be driving to the wholesalers for a while;
  • Rita said 'eeh aren't policemen getting younger'
  • Rita said 'I loved Dixon of Dock Green me, that Jack Warner was a real gentleman'
  • Rtia said 'what do you want me to blow in your bag for? Are your chips hot? he he I got that one off of Jim Davision;
  • Rita said 'of course I'll get back in my car officer, oh wait a minute that's the boot eeeh what am I like';
  • and Deidre bless her, won't be saying 'Tracey love' anymore.

Our Cheryl

Cheryl has been in Newcastle this week launching an appeal to raise £2 million to set up a center for unemployed and disadvantaged young people.

I thought we already had such a facility ... it is called X Factor.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was behind the counter when I arrived this morning ...

'Have you seen my bloomers?' she asked

'I beg your pardon'

'Have you seen my bloomers?'

'Not since Halloween when you got me that pack of tea cakes from the back of the bottom shelf over there'

'No, my new bloomers ... over there'

'What are they?'

'They are like your usual multi-seeded, but we do them in a bloomer now ... they are new'

'Oh how exciting, what is new about them?  Are they bigger?'

'No'

'Are they cheaper?'

'No'

 ... Are they ... ready sliced?'

'No'

'Have they got more seeds in them?'

'No'

'Well I give in, what is new about them?'

'They are a different shape'.

No wonder I go home exhausted.

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Dear David - The Sun ... again

Dear David

I am the editor of a national newspaper and I wrote to you earlier this week for some help on filling my newspaper now that page 3 is empty.

I tried putting some news in the newspaper, as you suggested, but it was really hard as I couldn't think of anything and I got dead fed up.  Have you got any other ideas?

David Responds

If you don't want to put news in a newspaper not really no.

Why don't you change it to a comic? You might find that easier.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Dear David - National Hugging Day

Dear David

I see it is National Hugging day. Can I come and give you a hug?

David Responds

No you can’t, get off.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Dear David - The Sun

Dear David

I am the editor of a national newspaper and I suddenly find I have space to fill on Page 3. Do you have any ideas how I could fill the gap?

David Responds

Have you thought about putting some news in it?

Monday, 19 January 2015

Prisons

An independent report has said there has been a massive increase in the number of drugs found in prisons.

A government spokesman said the report proved their procedures for preventing drugs getting into prisons were working.

No it does not ... it proves the opposite, you dingbat.

Sometimes I think people say these things just to provoke me.

Sunday, 18 January 2015

Dear David - Wincey Willis

Dear David

Who is Wincey Willis?

David Responds

She used to do the weather on the TV in the '80s.  She was a sort of cross between Judy Finnigan and Timmy Mallett.

Dear David - Snow

Dear David

Please arrange for the snow to cease.  Thank you

C

David Responds

I think you want Wincey Willis - I have passed your letter on.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ken proved he was an idiot; 
  • Rihanna remade Vogue - I didn't know it needed to be remade; 
  • Rihanna's version of Vogue is exactly the same as the original - what was the point?; 
  • Ed said David was a chicken; 
  • Ed said David was trying to duck the issue – is David a chicken or a duck?; 
  • the pub landlord is going to stand against Farage – makes a change from standing against the bar counter;
  • Some starlet went to an award ceremony and wore dresses;
  • the Orange one went into the house;
  • Alex said 'good luck' to the orange one when she went into the Celebrity Big Brother house;
  • Alex casually asked if anyone knew where they kept the key to the Celebrity Big Brother house; 
  • that Perez is a one isn't he;
  • the Pope wore a yellow cagoule in the rain in the Philippines;
  • the Pope said 'have you not got one ion white?'
  • David went to America to see Barak;
  • Obama said 'who are you again?' and
  • Kate wore a £50 coat. 

Dear David - Pope

Dear David

In light of the Popes speech on a Ryanair flight, do you think he's been helpful in tackling international tensions?

David Responds

I did see that on the news and I was a little surprised.  You don't often see the pope in a punch up.

But it hasn't gone down well with other religious leaders ... the Archbishop of Canterbury said ‘him and who’s army?’; ... Buckingham Palace released a statement on behalf of the Queen saying she would have his tripes out if he tried it and the Dalai Lama was unavailable for comment as he was out circuit training.

So overall I don’t think this intervention from the pontiff has helped.

Sainsbury's

As I neared the Patisserie I heard a loud bang followed by several Anglo Saxon expressions.

 By the time I got to the counter Agatha was rubbing floury baps across her … well … floury baps.

‘What you doing?’ I asked

‘Nothing’ she replied but she looked shifty

‘They have been on the floor haven’t they? I quizzed.

‘They haven’t’

‘They have’

‘They haven’t’

‘They have’

‘They haven’t’

I wasn’t convinced but asked for four floury baps anyway. Agatha started putting some in a bag.

‘Not those ones … I’ll have some from out the back … and I am watching.’

You have to watch her like a hawk

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Dear David - Thundersnow

Dear David

There has been a lot of discussion in the media about ‘thundersnow’ and I am very worried.  What is it?

David Responds

This is a complex scientific and meteorological question ...  it happens when you get thunder and snow.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Dear David - Broadchurch

Dear David

I have just started watching Broadchruch and I am a little confused so I was wondering if you could tell me what it is all about.

David Responds

Oh yes it is marvellous isn’t it.

I don’t watch a lot of television myself (what with there being all these letters to reply to) so I haven’t seen much of it and it is confusing, but from what I can make out … Broadchurch is a spin off from Dr Who and the doctor is having an adventure with his new partner Raquel off of Only Fools and Horses.

This story finds the doctor down south somewhere but he has gone back in time to solve a murder he has already solved.

That is what I can make out so far, I hope that helps.

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Dear David - Celebrity Big Brother

Dear David

I have recently been evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house and I don’t understand why.  Can you tell me?

David Responds

Oh yes I have seen a bit of that … now which one are you …?

Oh you have enclosed a photograph …

… I like these letters …with photographs ...

… fishing it out of the envelope … let’s have a look …

… oh you’re that one …

Actually I have a question for you … how thick do you have to be to get to your age and not understand that using that word is offensive?

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news
  • Howard got married; and
  • Cameron got married; and
  • Kym is getting married; and
  • Imran got married; - maybe there has been a offer on?; and 
  • Stephen got engaged;
  • Tom wasn’t very nice about The Voice – I’m not very nice about the Voice, but then again I’m not on it so I don't have to be;
  • Ed said Russell was a pound shop Ben Elton;
  • the Dalai Lama is going to go to Glastonbury; 
  • Sting's Broadway musical closed after a few weeks;
  • Sting wondered why his musical set in Geordieland with Geordies singing Geordies songs in Geordie accents didn't do very well on New York's Broadway;
  • some people went into a house; and
  • a footballer said he wishes he had a bigger cushion - what a funny thing to wish for, still john Lewis has some nice ones.

Sainsbury's

It was quiet at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I said ‘Have you got any Bakewell puddings?’

‘Tart’

‘What?’

‘Tart’

‘What tart?’

‘Not pudding’ said Agatha ‘”tart” … you get Bakewell tarts’

‘You can get Bakewell puddings as well’

‘You can’t’

You can’

‘You can’t’

‘You can’

‘Can’t’

‘Can’

‘You can’t!’

‘You can … they do them in Derbyshire’

‘This isn’t Derbyshire’

‘It isn’t Mars either but you sell Mars bars’

‘Are you trying to be funny?’

‘No, I just want a Bakewell pudding’

‘We don’t do Bakewell puddings, we only do Bakewell tarts’

‘Oh all right then … I’ll have two Bakewell tarts.’

‘We don’t get them in until 10 – come back then.

Miserable old bag

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Dear David - Sainsbury's

Dear David

I am the chief executive of Sainsbury’s and we have had a rubbish year for profits. We have hardly made any money and I am dead fed up, can you help?

David Responds

Yes, take that miserable old bag off of patisserie and start selling mince pies with icing on them.

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Dear David - Beard

Dear David

I have recently grown a beard and wondered what you thought of it.  Photograph enclosed.

David Responds

Yes, beards are rather fashionable at the moment aren't they.  And well done on trying out a new look.

Oh and a photograph ...

... I like these letters ...

...  fishing it out of the envelope ..

... let's have a look ...

Oh my goodness you are quite hairy aren't you ... almost wolverine (lol).

You remind me of an older ... oh what was his name on that programme ... It was an American TV show ... in the '60s ... now what was it called ... there was this family, and they were all rather odd ... the Addams Family  ... no, no, that wasn't it ... oh what were they called ... there was a grandfather ... he was a vampire and there was another one - he was very tall and had bolts in his neck and would always shout "Lily!" when he got in trouble ... it was hilarious.

Now what was the name of the one you remind me of  ... oh yes 'Eddie' that was it.

Now what was I saying .. oh yes, your new beard ... well it is very nice but you might want to chop it back a bit or maybe comb your face occasionally.

Monday, 5 January 2015

Eddie Redmayne

Eddie Redmayne was delighted to learn that he had been voted top of a celebrity ‘best dressed’ list.

Then he found out that in second and third place were Prince George and Wayne Rooney.

That sort of took the shine off it.

Saturday, 3 January 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news

Most of our celebrities were on holiday this week - but a few hung around the UK:
  • Steven packed it in at Liverpool; and
  • so did the one at Newcastle that everyone said should go from the day he arrived;
  • some people at Newcastle were shocked that the one at Newcastle had gone and said 'eeeh I wonder why he is leaving';
  • Eddie went on honeymoon;
  • Miranda stopped being Miranda - well she is still Miranda, just not being Miranda anymore;
  • Some Reality shows brought out fitness DVDs - which one will you buy to leave in the cupboard?
  • some people were dead miserable in EastEnders;
  • Katie wants to be on the front cover of Horse and Hounds - I never said a word; 
  • Katie was still with her latest husband on New Year's Eve;
  • Katie said she was stronger than ever - I said she would say that; 
  • Camilla and Brendan split up - hang on that was ages ago; and
  • Liam bought a house for £5.1.

Sainsbury's

The decorations were all down at the Patisserie.

Agatha was behind the counter.

'Oh hello' I said 'I missed you last week, Margaret said you phoned in for a day off'

'What?  Ah oh yes ... I was very tired'

'Yes Margaret said you were tired ... she said you were as tired as a skunk after the works do at the Blue Raccoon.'

'Ah well' replied Agatha 'I hadn't had any tea, I think the drink went straight to my head'

'Margaret said you were knocking them back like they were going out of fashion.'

'Well I might have had a couple ... just to be sociable.'

'Margaret said you were spending money on shots like a drunken sailor and that the big bird on the DJ stand had to tell you to stop dancing on the tables.'

'Look do you want anything?'

'I was just saying'

'Well don't'

'Margaret said ... '

'What?'

'Nothing ... have you got any peach Melbas.'

Friday, 2 January 2015

Dear David - Festive Season

Dear David

Is it all over?  Can I come out of hibernation now?

David Responds

Oh what a fright, I thought you were going to say can I come over to yours ... lol.

But I think you mean the festive season, yes I think it is just about over for another year.

Don't worry there will be another one again all too soon.

Thursday, 1 January 2015

Dear David - Wizard of Oz

Dear David

Why hasn't the Wizard of Oz been on TV this festive period?  I feel cheated.

David Responds

It is on ... it is on today at 4 o'clock.  If you would splash out 50p on a TV guide now and again you would know that.

Oh wait a minute ... what time is it ... ?  Ah sorry I should have published this earlier.  Never mind there is always next year.