Monday, 28 December 2015

Dear David - Christmas Food

Dear David

Is today the day I throw out all the food I queued for hours before Christmas to buy?

David Responds

Yes.  Traditionally this is the day Mary said 'Throw that milk out it will never go another day'.

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Frank and Christine got married - for a time I never thought she would manage it; 
  • Andy won Best Sports Personality - you see the BBC does have a sense of irony;
  • Joseph is a new apprentice;
  • Jay won Strictly; and
  • Miss Columbia won Miss Universe;
  • Miss Columbia got a crown;
  • Miss Columbia didn't win Miss Universe;
  • Miss Columbia had to give her crown back;
  • Sepp isn't allowed to play football for a while: 
  • Louis said he hoped everyone had a nice mince pie; and
  • Jenson got chucked.
a special Christmas Royal supplement
  • the Queen is at Sandringham for Christmas;
  • the Queen asked Philip for the tenth time 'did you post those cards like I asked you to';
  • the Queen said 'have you seen that gift set I got for our Camilla;'
  • Philip said 'what gift set?'
  • the Queen said 'you never listen to a word I say.  The set I told you about, that I got on a 3 for 2 in Bootses';
  • Philip said 'oh yes, the one you said would do for Camilla because it was the free one and you wouldn't really be paying anything for it;
  • the Queen said 'yes that's the one, now have you seen it?'
  • Philip said 'didn't you give it to the housekeeper in a panic when she gave you that cafetiere that you weren't expecting?'
  • the Queen said 'Oh god, that's right.  I'll have to go out for something else now'
  • the Queen said 'What time does Renees in the village shut of a Christmas Eve';
  • Philip said 'She will be closed now, she always shuts of a lunchtime of a Christmas eve'; and
  • the Queen swore. 

Sainsbury's

The Patisserie on Boxing Day ...

' I didn't think you would be open today' I said to Agatha

'We are open as usual' she replied

'I thought you would have been closed'

'We are open as usual'

'I thought you would have been closed, what with it being Boxing day';

'We are open as usual'

'I don't suppose you have much in'

'We are open as usual'

''What with it being Boxing day'

'You said that before'

'What?'

'That it is Boxing day'

'I know, I thought you would have been closed'

'We are open as usual'

'I don't suppose you have much in'

'We have our full range available'

'I don't want much, what with it being Boxing day'

'We have our full range available'

'I bought extra last week'

'We have peach melbas' said Agatha temptingly

'Oh no, not for of a Christmas'

'Mince pies?'

'I can't afford your fancy prices, I'm on a pension'

'What do you want then'

'I thought you would have been closed'

'Actually' snapped Agatha 'We are closed,'  and with that she turned around her 'OPEN' sign and went out the back.

I knew they you would have been closed what with it being of a Boxing day. 

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people were in a new film about wars in the stars - and they had known each other years ago;
  • someone won the X Factor;
  • the winner of the X Factor had only ever wanted to win the competition all her life;
  • the winner of the X Factor is 12;
  • Dick was 90 - aww wigth Mary Poppins;
  • Jose got chucked at Chelsea;
  • Rita forgot Olly had been on X Factor;
  • Zoe had a kiss;
  • Justin is going to do the Brits;
  • the Queen went of her Christmas holiday to Norfolk - what a funny place to go; and
  • Jose picked the phone up a couple of times to check it was still getting a dialing tone.

Dear David - Christmas Weather

Dear David

Why is it so mild this close to Christmas?

David Responds

It is mainly caused by the warm weather.

Sainsbury's

There was no cheery greeting for Agatha at the Patisserie this morning ...

'You diddled me last week' I accused.

'"Diddled" is a big word' replied Agatha 'I hope you can back it up' she said with menace in her voice.

'You charged me for six mince pies but I only got four.'

'Ah well, there were administration costs to add'

'Administration costs!'

'You wanted a 'four' but we only do 'twos and 'sixes'.  I had to charge you for an 'unusual order'

'Unusual order!  That is outrageous I only wanted four mince pies.  It made them very expensive, they worked out at a £1 each.'

'That's what we charge'

'Mince pies are only 80p at ASDA.'

'Get them from ASDA then'

'They haven't got any.'

'Ah well' said Agatha 'When we haven't got any ours are only 70p.'

'Oh, well I'll come back when you haven't got any'.

I think I am beginning to get somewhere with Agatha.

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Dear David - Urgent Message ...

Dear David has an urgent message for C …

I am very sorry that you were upset at my response to your letter.  Thank you for sending me scanned copies of your Christmas cards but I think this does support my view. 

One of your Christmas cards is indeed a TV licence reminder (it says in red across the top ‘TV license reminder') and the other one seems to be from St Agnostica’s who I know send out Christmas cards to every household within a three mile radius.

I think you have overstated your distress as my response was not ‘plastered all over the internet’ and I don’t think you were subjected to ‘mass ridicule’ and ‘cat calls’ in the street.

I still maintain your postman was unlikely to have hurt his back delivering your Christmas cards.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Dear David - Christmas Cards ... again

Dear David

The post office have informed me that my postman is suing me as he put his back out delivering my Christmas cards. I don't think its fair as I didn't ask for either of them - what do u reckon?

C

David Responds

Even allowing for one of your Christmas cards really being your TV licence renewal that still seems like a lot of cards.

I think your postman might be having some amusement at your expense. I think it is what is called sarcasm.

How to explain sarcasm ... oh I know, re read this response.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Dear David - Space Station

Dear David

I have heard that they have put Twin Peaks into space.  How have they managed that then?

David Responds

Tim Peake.

Monday, 14 December 2015

Dear David - Star Wars

Dear David

I am going to see the new Sta Wars film later this week.  I haven't seen any of them before, what's it about?

David Responds

Oh that's a tricky one I haven't seen any of them either.

I think it is about ... errr some wars ... in the stars.  Oh and there is a puppet ... no not a puppet a robot I think.  And a gorilla I am sure I have seen a picture of a gorilla in it.

Yes, that is what it is about ... some wars ... in the stars between a robot and a gorilla.

Sounds a bit daft to me but do enjoy it.

Saturday, 12 December 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Kate wore a coat; 
  • Kate is from the south; 
  • Donald isn’t going to go to Israel until after he is US President; 
  • Donald might be waiting a long time to go to Israel; 
  • Donald is a ****;
  • the last person still watching the X Factor finally said I can't be faffed with it anymore;
  • Wayne might be going to china; and
  • Ryan might be going to Swansea;
  • Zayn got some new hair; and
  • Rylan and Emma are being poached to do X Factor 2016 - oh dear that doesn't sound very nice.

Dear David - Stamp

Dear David

I know you have been kidnapped and replaced by a doppelganger - please ask your kidnappers what will secure your release - they made the mistake of putting a first class stamp on your Christmas card to me - big mistake.

David Responds

I can confirm I did send you that post item.

Have a closer look at the stamp.  You might find the sovereign picture looks more like Queen Victoria than Elizabeth. They cost a fortune and I have a load of those old ones.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was singing a Christmas tune at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I called out. Agatha stopped singing mid phrase.

‘Have you got …’ I began and then paused ‘…some pant ones?’   I tittered as Agatha pursed her lips.

‘Sorry dear’ I said I am just joking. Can I have some of your Christmas mince pies.

Agatha shuffled her floury baps. ‘How many do you want, two or six?’

‘Four’

‘We don’t do fours’.

‘I was after four’

‘We don’t do fours’.

‘I was after four’

‘We don’t do fours. I could do you two twos and charge you for a six?’ offered Agatha

‘Oh marvellous’ I said I’ll take them’.

I think she is mellowing in her old age.

Friday, 11 December 2015

Dear David - Heathrow

Dear David

I am trying to make up my mind about whether or not to have a third runway at Heathrow. Can you help?

DC

David Responds

Oh that is a tricky decision isn’t.

Since I think you have made up your mind to have a third runway, why don’t you put off announcing your decision until after the London Mayoral election so that all the tory voters who might be quite cross with you can’t do anything about it. You can then leave it to that Boris to sort out in 2020.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Manchester United FC

Exciting news for Manchester United fans, they have just qualified for the Europa cup … league thing.

This will bring Thursday night football to your screen …

…of a Thursday? Who plays football of a Thursday?

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Manchester City FC

I see that Manchester City FC, one of the richest football clubs in the world, has made a donation to a local charity.  How nice.

They have donated a box of last season's football strips, that they haven't been able to sell, to the local community.

It makes you feel all warm inside.

Monday, 7 December 2015

Dear David - Christmas Card ... again

Dear David

I saw your reply to my letter, but no really, it is a Christmas card this time. It has a Christmas rabbit on it.

C

David Responds

A Christmas rabbit?  There is no such thing as a Christmas rabbit.

If it really is a Christmas card then I suppose you should send one back.  Did it say which neighbour it was from - or is it anonymous. lol 

Sunday, 6 December 2015

Dear David - Christmas Card

Dear David

I've just got a Christmas card from the next door neighbours - what's the etiquette surrounding this situation?

C

David Responds

We have this discussion every year, that is not a Christmas card it is your TV licence renewal reminder. 

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry fell off his horse eating a polo - how odd; 
  • Cheryl danced on TV; 
  • Tyson won a boxing match;
  • Some people were evacuated from the jungle because the jungle was behaving like ... well a jungle; 
  • loads of people left the jungle - not sure there is anyone left in it;
  • Claudia is going to be Bruce at Christmas;
  • someone left the apprentice and he didn't need to;
  • Harry is in South Africa;
  • Steve was looking disheveled; 
  • Patrick hurt his shoulder;
  • some more FIFA people were arrested; and
  • Nigel got some sour grapes – what a funny thing to get.

Sainsbury's

The Patisserie was all festive this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I see you have all your Christmas decorations up'

'Yes' replied Agatha and we have a our full range of festive food in as well'

'Oh nice.  Have you got anything to recommend?'

'Oh yes' enthused Agatha ' we have some lovely pant ones in'

'Pant ones?  I inquired '

'Yes'

'I've never heard of them.  What are they'

'They are really nice.  They are Italian and they have sultanas in them'

'I've still never heard of them'

'They come from Italy'

'You said'

'Do you want one?'

'Can I have a look at one first?'

'Of course' she replied and retrieved a box from behind the counter.  'There you are' she said 'One of our best pant ones'.

'Ha ha' I tittered ... that's not a pant one ... it's a Panettone.'

Agatha looked cross.  'It's the same thing' she snapped 'Do you want one or not?'

'I'll take one. No' I corrected 'actually make it a couple ... I'll have a pant two'

Agatha slammed my purchase into a bag.  I think they may have dents in them.

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

Dear David - Golden Eagle

Dear David

I have lost my pet golden eagle and don't know what to do.  Do you think he will make his own way home?

David Responds

You have lost a golden eagle?  How the bloody hell do you lose a golden eagle?

Unless your eagle is a homing pigeon cross I am not sure he will make it home.

I have sent you a copy of my free leaflet 'How to look after a bloody big bird without losing it'.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • some more people left X Factor - is it not over yet?; 
  • some people left the jungle, or joined it - I'm not sure which; 
  • Daniella got a job at a pie and mash shop;
  • Louis said Simon used to blame him for falling ratings;
  • Tyson sang a song;
  • Tyson was going to do some boxing;
  • the Queen is in Malta; and
  • so is the Prime Minister - not that one, the nice one;
  • Harry is in the Seychelles - must be winter;
  • Ant and Dec got cut off in the jungle - oh dear;
  • George suddenly found £27 billion - Boris and Theresa were livid; and 
  • Ola got chucked off of Strictly.

Dear David - Crisps

Dear David

I'm worried I have a stalker. Every Friday evening when I get to the supermarket checkout there are two bags of kettle chips in my basket - I don't put them there and I don't know how they get there.  I don't even go down that aisle!  Should I contact the police?

David Responds

Oh dear a stalker, that doesn't sound very nice.

I am not really sure what kettle chips are but they sound like a funny thing for a stalker to give you. You don't say if the items appear in your basket before you have gone through the checkout or after, but you might want to make sure you aren't paying for them. That would be funny ... yes very funny  ... lol.  No errr .. sorry no it wouldn't ... it wouldn't be funny at all.

What to do?  I'm not sure.  As far as I know giving people chips isn't and offence so I doubt the police would be interested.  Have you tried hanging around the meat counter?  You might get a couple of steaks. 

Sainsbury's

I was surprised to see Agatha at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said 'I thought you might have been off today'

'Off?  Why would I be off?'

'Oh eerrr is just I heard you were in the Blue Raccoon on Thursday night'

Agatha's eyes narrowed. 'Who said I was in the Blue Raccoon, was it that Mavis off of the checkouts'

'Err no ..' I replied not wanting to get anyone in trouble.  'I just heard you were in that's all.  Were you not in the Blue Raccoon?

'Well yes' conceded Agatha 'I might have popped in for one on the way home from calling out at the bingo.'

'I heard you were still there at chucking out time at three in the morning.'

'Well it might have been a little late, but I don't think it was that late.  Can I get you anything?'

'I heard you were knocking vodkas back like a drunken sailor'

'Do you want anything?' snapped Agatha

'I heard you were doing a conga round the fruit machines and the big lad off of the door had to stop you climbing on the bar'

'Do you want serving?  I've a queue forming'  Agatha seemed a little tense

'I heard ...

'Look do you want these peach melbas in a box or do you want to wear them?'

Agatha didn't seem to want to chat any longer so I took my cakes and left.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Dear David - Christmas Party

Dear David

I have just bought my outfit for the works Christmas party and tried it on.  I have enclosed a photograph, what do you think?

David Responds

Is it that time of year again already.  Oh and a photograph ...

... I like these letters ...

... with photographs in them ...

... let's have a look ...

Wow ... who is this well dressed stranger?   Where did you get that suit from?  It's not often you see white scarves and kid gloves these days.  Is your party fancy dress and you are going as Fred Astaire?

I think you might be a touch overdressed for a do at the Blue Raccoon.  I have sent you a copy of my free leaflet 'What to wear on a night out when you go to places that are dead rough'.

Sunday, 22 November 2015

Dear David - Caroline Flack

Dear David

Has Caroline Flack got a full length mirror?

David Responds

No.

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Danniella joined Tinder - thanks for the warning;
  • Olly got a bit mixed up on X Factor;
  • Harry seemed a bit quiet;
  • don't think Harry is that keen on Olly; 
  • Adele wore a hat; 
  • Olly asked Caroline if she would announce the loser next week;
  • Ant was 40;
  • Ant said 'eeh I'm always in Australia for my birthday;
  • Rita wore a dress that didn't show her under drawers;
  • Jamie isn't allowed to drive for a while;
  • Monica left X Factor, or Anton left X Factor - well someone left, ask Olly; and
  • Harry is going to do Christmas Strictly. 

Kit-Kats ... at Sainsbury's

Some excitement at Sainsbury's.

I noticed packs of Festive Kit-Kats on sale this morning.  Exciting to have a Festive version of my favourite biscuit.

I was keen to know what made them 'Festive' ... I now know ...

... it is a picture of a cartoon reindeer on the wrapper.

Life is one disappointment after another.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Morning dear’ I said. Agatha picked up her tongs as she asked what I wanted.

I requested six of her floury baps and struck up a little conversation.

‘I was surprised last week’ I began ‘when you said you weren’t keen on Mog the cat’

‘Why?’ Agatha enquired

‘You look like a cat person, I thought you would have liked Mog’

‘I “look like a cat person” what does that mean?’

‘Well it’s the crochet tabard you have under your overall. I thought you might have made it yourself’

‘I wear a tabard under my overall because I am freezing’ snapped Agatha ‘because’ she continued ‘I spend half my day taking peach melbas out the freezer and putting them back in again!  Anyway, what is wrong with my tabard?'

'Well nothing, ... I faltered ... it's just it looks quite ... cosy ... and errr roomy.'

'Are you going to buy something or spend all morning ogling my tabard?'

I shuddered at the thought ... 'I'll have two peac...  ... eclairs.  Eclairs that is ... I'll have two eclairs.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Dear David - Christmas Presents

Dear David

I am struggling for ideas for a Christmas present for my friend.  She is really hard to buy for as she doesn't do much.  Can you think of anything I could get her.  She likes elephants if that helps.

David Responds

Oh I thought that said eggplants ...

... unless your friend is the Duchess of Argyll and has the space I'm not sure a lion is a good idea.

I will send you my free leaflet 'What to buy friends for Christmas that are dead hard to buy for'.

Monday, 16 November 2015

Dear David - Reality TV

Dear David

I am a rather well known TV presenter and I present reality shows   ... Lady Colin Campbell ... but all of a sudden I have started  ... Mason Noise ... shouting out names of people before they actually ... Sam Curry ...get voted off the programme.  Can you help?

David Responds

Not really, but I like to put a bet on now and again ... what was that name you said again?

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Dear David - Crisps

Dear David

I've just eaten a full packet of Kettle crisps and I can't even blame it on Christmas - what am I to do?

David Responds

Ha ha you are funny, who would make crisps that taste of kettles.

I suppose I better give an answer, let's have a look on this internet thing, see if I can work out what he is on about ...

... how do I get in again ...

... ah yes that little fox thing ... 'click' ...

... nothing has happened ... oh what was that  ... oh there it is ...

... what do I do again  ... oh yes I see ... I write in there ...

... oh you can get kettle crisps, goodness what a big bag.  What was the question again?

I am not sure the kettle crisps are a good idea - if you must have them, have only one a day ... crisp that is, not bag.

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Lewis packed it in;
  • some people were heading for the jungle - I have heard of some of them;
  • George was doing some charity work in Scotland - not that George, nice George;
  • Will was singing some tunes in Newcastle;
  • Terry wasn't well;
  • Dermot got an unexpected chance to be on the telly;
  • Dermot said 'I don't want your rotten development opportunity';
  • Dermot said 'which one is that, is it the tall one that does Strictly?'
  • Ricky isn't doing The Voice anymore;
  • Anne went to Cheltenham; while
  • Charles and Camilla were in Australia - they aren't going on I'm a Celebrity are they?; 
  • a load of people left the Apprentice and a couple left X Factor - if they keep this up the programmes might finish early and we will get some decent shows for Christmas;
  • the sound of barrels being scrapped could be heard in the jungle.

Sainsbury's

There were Christmas decorations at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said in greeting.  I peered over the counter and around out the back into the kitchen.  'Where is he then?  I asked

'Where's who?'  asked Agatha

'Mog'

'Mog who?'

'Not Mog who!  Mog ... your cat'.

'I haven't got a cat.'

'Not "your" cat ... "Your" Cat ... Sainsbury's cat. The cat on the telly ... the Christmas cat .. the one in the ad ... Mog ... your cat'.

'Are you taking drugs?'

'Nooo I want to see Mog'

'He's not here and I'm not having that rotten old fleabag in my Patisserie'.

Miserable old bag.

Friday, 13 November 2015

Children in Need

It was announced late last night that Terry Wogan isn’t doing Children in Need this evening as he is ill.

It does make me wonder which BBC TV presenter went into work this morning thinking … if that meeting this afternoon ends quickly I can do a bit of a flyer, only for their manager say … Err have you got a minute, I have a bit of a development opportunity for you ...

Thursday, 12 November 2015

Dear David - ASDA

Dear David

I have just found out ASDA aren't having a Black Friday sale this year. I am upset as I was going to get a new TV, what can I do?

David Responds

Oh yes I was a bit disappointed when I heard ASDA had cancelled the Black Friday sale this year.  

The sale is the start of Christmas for me.  I do look forward to the 6 o'clock news item showing some ne'er do wells rolling on the floor desperately holding onto an 85" TV costing £10 made by a manufacturer you have never heard of.  

As to what to do ... perhaps paying a proper price for a TV that works might be worth thinking about.

Monday, 9 November 2015

Dear David - Mustard

Dear David

I was hoping you could help me with a problem that has been keeping me awake at night.

When I buy mustard, sometimes I buy Dijon mustard and sometimes I buy French mustard.  But Dijon is in France so why isn't mustard all just French mustard or just Dijon mustard?

David Responds

That has been keeping you awake at night?  Do us all a favour ... buy English mustard

Saturday, 7 November 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Two people left X Factor - all that bother and then it's over in an hour;
  • Adele is still banging on about how fabulous she is and how great her new tunes are; 
  • Adele relaxed after the first episode of X Factor when she realised there was no up and coming competition; 
  • Ellie has a new irritating tune out; 
  • Adele says her tune is nothing like Tom Waits song;
  • Adele says she was inspired by Tom Waits song - tahts what the call it these days 'inspired by' not copied off';
  • Ed passed his driving test;
  • some people are going into the jungle;
  • Elvis has got some new tunes out - how's he managed that then?;
  • Jessica is sportswoman of the year;
  • Debbie has written a new book; and
  • Sharon got a new face - well she was due a one.

Sainsbury's

The Halloween decorations were still up at the Patisserie ...

'What's all this lot? I queried as Agatha said hello.

'It's our Bonfire Night decorations'

'Bonfire Night decorations?  There is no such thing' I laughed

'There is'

'There isn't'

'There is'

'There isn't'

'There is'

'Go on then explain that one' I said pointing out a fur black cat.  'How's that got anything to do with Bonfire Night?'

'Well ... eerr it's sort of bonfire nighish'

'No it isn't'

'It is'

'How'

'Well errr Guy Fawkes ... eerr ... he had a cat'

'No he didn't'

'He did'

'He didn't'

'He did - how do you know he didn't'

'You don't go around blowing up the Houses of Parliament and take your cat with you'

'You might ... if you had no one to look after it'

'Now you are being daft.  Anyway Bonfire Night was two days ago.  You are just trying to flog off your Halloween left overs.

'You won't be wanting these peach melbas on offer then.  I'll put them out the back'

'Ah well no, since you have them, I'll take a couple off you'.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

BBC

A BBC news reporter told us some story effecting 20,000 people.

To demonstrate how big an effect this was she told us it was the equivalent to the population of a small town.

Presumably a small town of 20,000 people.

Christmas Gathers

Christmas gathers and I have just heard an advert tell me excitedly 'Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the latest technology'.

Without the latest technology, that is exactly what Christmas would be.

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Dear David - Bonfire Night

Dear David

I am off to a Fireworks display tomorrow night and I have bought a new outfit especially for the occasion. Photo enclosed. What do you think?

David Responds

Oh is it that time of year already.

I like these letters … with photographs in them …

… taking it out of the envelope …

… let’s have a look … see what I think of your new outfit ….

Good lord where did you get that from  … don’t sit down and keep moving.

Saturday, 31 October 2015

Halloween II

I almost had a Halloween caller tonight.

I heard footsteps on the path outside and then someone say 'Don't go there, that's where the miserable old b lives'.

I think they got me mixed up with old Mr Smith at the other end of the street.  It's a bit harsh on him though, he isn't that bad.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Frank got an Oboe - what a funny thing to give a footballer;
  • William and Kate went to see James;
  • Harry went to America;
  • Louis got chucked out of a Newcastle hotel;
  • Phil is going to start singing again - he wants to spend less time with his family;
  • One D completed their world tour;
  • some people were playing in a rugby final;
  • Chris was doing that TV programme about a Friday again- that I didn't understand the first time around; 
  • Adele says fame hasn't changed her;
  • Adele just bought a new £100,000 car; and
  • the X Factor is about to start for proper - don't think I can be bothered now.

Sainsbury's

The Patisserie was in full Halloween mode as I approached this morning …

I stifled a small scream when I saw Agatha. ‘Goodness what a fright’ I said ‘Have you been putting make up on?’

‘No’ she snapped ‘I’ve taken it off.

Friday, 30 October 2015

All Hallow’s Eve

In preparation for Halloween I have bought a sweet to give to callers wishing to mark the occasion. There are conditions to me handing over this small gift:
  • only callers on the actual night will be considered; 
  • no Americanisms of any sort will be entertained - All Hallow’s Eve existed long before America was invented; 
  • only correct depictions of the commemoration of All Hallows will be accepted; 
  • all salutations of ‘Happy Halloween’ will be disregarded.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

Phil Collins

You might recall Phil Collins retired from the music industry a few years ago.

He has now decided to record some new music and start touring again.

In an interview, he said he wanted to spend less time with his family.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Dear David - Guys

Dear David

Someone at work referred to me and a team mate as ‘you guys’. Is that acceptable?

David Responds

Oh dear how awful. No the term is not acceptable in any scenario.

Do you work with some city slickers or some Apprentice types? Or perhaps your colleague is American?  That might explain it.

I suggest having a quite word with the offending colleague. Suggest they calm down and take a look through an English dictionary to see if they can find a word that is a little more civilised.

Monday, 26 October 2015

Ryan Thomas

Ryan Thomas (a Coronation Street actor) has been fined after a drunken altercation at a Bowness nightclub.

Shocking ... Bowness has a nightclub?

Saturday, 24 October 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Xi went to see the Queen; but
  • Charles was a bit busy and said he didn't have time to pop round; and
  • Jamie went to see David;
  • Xi said I wish the Queen's Geordie footman would stop calling me 'Whoo Yee' my name is Xi;
  • all the seats were taken on X Factor - is it going to start now?;
  • Marty came back from the future ... or the past - I never understood the third one;
  • someone left the Apprentice;
  • Adele is flogging a new tune; and
  • Daniel has a new movie out;
  • the Queen said 'do the clocks go back or forward this weekend?'
  • Philip said 'you ask me that every year' and
  • some people wee thinking about going into the jungle.

Adele

Adele has been doing a lot of interviews in the last few days.

In one interview she is reported to say she had her doubts that Sam Smith wrote the new bond tune in 20 minutes (as he claims).

Actually what Adele said was 'Cor blimey love a duck, what you on about me old treacle, yo'r have in a laugh in't yeh ...  gerrr out 'f my pub'.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was arranging her bloomers at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I said 'What's all this?' I asked pointing at the decorations around the stand.

'It's for Halloween' she said 'We are doing scary eclairs, scary sly cakes and scary apple turnovers.'

'What's scary about that?'

'They have little icing cobwebs on them'

'That's not scary'

'Have you seen the mark up on the price?'

Friday, 23 October 2015

Dear David - Birds

Dear David

Now autumn is here, birds seem to love my fat balls - they can't get enough - can you suggest anything else I could give them?

David Responds

I think you have sent your letter to the wrong place.  Why don't you write to Denise Robertson she does the smutty sort of letter … oh hang on … oh I see you are doing, you are using a … what is it? ... not a nom de plume … a double entendre, yes that's it, a double entendre.

Eeh that makes me laugh, I remember this time I had a letter off of Kenneth Williams and he said ... oh well never mind ... what was your question again ... oh yes birds - get some Trill. They love that. 

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Dear David - Christmas ... again

Dear David
 
I was devastated to see you weren't launching your Christmas Helpline this year.  I'm that upset I haven't slept all night.  What can I do?
 
David Responds

We have this every year, there are lots of things you can do.  I have sent you a copy of my free leaflet How to enjoy Christmas when you are dead miserable and haven't got any friends.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Dear David - Christmas

Dear David

When are you opening your Christmas emergency Hotline?

David Responds

What Christmas emergency Hotline?  I don't have a Christmas emergency Hotline.

Oh wait a minute ... who is this letter from ... Let's check the address ...

I should have known, the green ink is a dead give away.

Look we have this bother every year, you are nearly 80, if you haven't worked out Christmas by now I wouldn't bother.

Monday, 19 October 2015

Dear David - Steel

Dear David

I have heard a lot in the news about steel made from china.  How does that work then?

David Responds

...made in China.

Saturday, 17 October 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Joey isn't going out with Perrie;
  • some people were trying to sit on a seat in X Factor; while
  • someone who had a seat said he didn't want it anymore; 
  • some new people wanted to be an apprentice;
  • Stephen isn't doing QI anymore;
  • Sandi said she would give QI a go;
  • two people won't be an apprentice - already;
  • Ant was 40;
  • William and Harry did some DIY;
  • Andy and Fergie's house was pulled down; and
  • Chris is doing an old programme again; while 
  • X Factor trundles on - and it hasn't even really started yet. 

Sainsbury's

There was a box on the counter at the Patisserie when I got there this morning ...

'They are all ready for you' said Agatha by way of greeting

'What are?'

'You're peach melbas'

'What peach melbas?' I asked

'The ones you have every week - I have them all ready for you ... so you don't need to hang around.'

'Ah well ... '

'What "Ah well"?'

'I don't want peach melbas this week.  I thought I would have some mince pies.'  Agatha snatched up the box and put it behind the counter.

'Which mince pies do you want?  A pack of four or a pack of six?'

'Two'

'We don't do twos'

'Can I not have half a pack of four?'

'No'

'A third of a box of six?'

'No'

Agatha's hand hovered over a pack of four.

'Not those ones' I said 'They look burnt'

'They are all the same.  Are you going to keep this up until Christmas?'

I wonder what she meant by that.

Friday, 16 October 2015

Whittard

In another sign of gathering autumn I see Whittard of Newcastle have decorated their store with Halloween pumpkins.

How I remember those scary childhood tales of ghouls and ghosts hanging around coffee merchants to buy half a pound of best arabica and a packet of biscoti.

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Dear David - Patisserie

Dear David

I work at a Patisserie at a ... well let's just call it a supermarket.  I get this customer in every week and he is dead annoying, he always asks for things we haven't got and I can't get rid of him.  I am dead fed up.  Can you help?

anon

David Responds

Oh that is annoying isn't.

I know how awful it can be dealing with awkward customers, you should see some of the riff raff that sends  me letters.

You need to be careful as your employer might get a bit cross if they think you are turning away customers.  I assume you have done all the stock things; like saying 'if it's not on the counter we haven't got it' and 'we don't do them anymore - there is no call for them.'

If that doesn't work, as it is Halloween coming up, why don't you wear a scary mask - that might frighten him off. (laoj).

Monday, 12 October 2015

Dear David - Found Money

Dear David

I found £10 note on the street - there was nobody in the immediate vicinity to ask if they had dropped it.  I now feel guilty that I picked it up.  What do you think I should do with it?

David Responds

Oh this is a tricky moral dilemma isn't it?

I suppose you should try to find its rightful owner.  Are there any distinguishing marks on it, a name or maybe an address?

Oh I have just noticed you have enclosed a photograph with your letter ...

... I like these enquiries ...

... with photos in them ...

Let's have a look at the photo ... oh there's you in the street.  It looks cold out.  Isn't that a nice duffle coat you are wearing ... and long too.  What's that in your hand?  Oh yes I see, it's the £10 note you just found.  Are you wearing a hat?  It looks like one of those hats Omar Sharif wore in Dr Zhivago ... let's have a closer look ... ah no, it's your hair.

I suppose you could give your found £10 to a policeman but I think you deserve a make over.  Why don't you treat yourself and we will pretend you never told me about your little find.

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Brendan got sacked;
  • Brendan went to Spain on holiday;
  • Robert wore a tie;
  • Iwan was first to leave Strictly;
  • some people took turns to sit on six chairs;
  • Nadiya won the Bake off; while
  • Iwan left Strictly;
  • Cresasida is seeing someone else now;
  • Sepp got suspended; and 
  • the one that was the manager at Newcastle is now the manager at Sunderland; and 
  • Jurgen is going to manage some other team;
  • some people played rugby in Newcastle;
  • X Factor trundles on - feels like it has been on for months and it hasn't really started yet; and
  • Theresa wore a dress that should have come with a scarf

Sainsbury's

I had a complaint to raise at the patisserie this morning ... I dispensed with the pleasantries.

'Last week you you didn't give me the brioche I asked for'.

Agatha was startled 'I did' and she glared at me daring me to contradict her.

'You didn't'

'I did'

'You didn't'

'I did'

'You didn't.  What you gave me was pain au chocolat'

'It's the same thing' she dismissed

'It isn't.  The vicar was very dismissive, he said "oh how lovely, I've never had a bar of chocolate with a bread roll before".  he laughed and then said "Have you been watching Jeremy Kyle?"  It was very embarrassing.'

'What a lot of fuss' retorted Agatha

'Never mind that, just make sure you put brioche in the box" Agatha got my items.

'Anything else?'

'I'll have two peach melbas ... oh and make sure you don't give me eclairs instead'

That told her.

Monday, 5 October 2015

Dear David - Football Manager

Dear David

I am a manager of a rather successful football team but I’ve just been sacked.  I am dead fed up.  Can you help me get a new job.

David Responds

Oh dear what a shame about your job.  I’m not sure what to suggest really, do you know anything about rugby?

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Marty is making a new film - I think this is the fourth one;
  • Dame Julie was 80;
  • Zac wants to be the new Boris; while
  • Boris wants to be the new David;
  • Tom and Dustin got engaged
  • Sepp says he isn't going to pack it in;
  • Sepp said no thanks he didn't want to charge his burger and coke to his Visa card;
  • Jaime bought a house for £1.75 million - ooh that is a lot of money;
  • Angela might be getting a Nobel prize;
  • some rugby players played rugby;
  • the finalists of the Bake off were announced;
  • Bridget is on her way back; while
  • Janet postponed her tour. 

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie ...

'I need a special cake for a 50th birthday this week' I said by way of greeting.

'Oh yes' said Agatha looking interested and attentive

'Yes, a chocolate cake.  With chocolate pastry.'

'Chocolate pastry.' repeated Agatha

'Chocolate ganache' I continued

'Chocolate ganache' she confirmed

'Chocolate sprinkles'

'Chocolate sprinkles' she echoed

'Chocolate buttons'

'Chocolate buttons' she listed

'Chocolate frosting'

'Chocolate frosting'

'Can you make one?' I queried excitedly

'Well more or less' responded Agatha 'we can make what you want apart from one thing.  We haven't got any chocolate.'

My heart sank. 'Make it two peach melbas.'

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Dear David - St James's Park

I notice they are putting big goal posts up at St James's Park.

I suppose if they only put the big ones up at the visitors side it might help. 

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Cameron

I know it is a while past, but I recall at the time of the Scottish Referendum, David Cameron was worried that if there was  'No' vote he would be remembered in history as the Prime Minister who broke up the UK.

If there was another referendum in the future and it went the other way this time ... to be fair ...... I still don't think that is what he would be remembered for.

Monday, 28 September 2015

Dear David - Supermoon

Dear David

I am very worried about the Supermoon. If the supermoon happens does it mean it is the end of the world?

David Responds

If you are reading this … No.

Saturday, 26 September 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Francis went to Cuba;
  • Francis met Fidel;
  • David said 'No thanks, I don't want a bacon sandwich - I couldn't face one';
  • David has been able to save himself sending one Christmas card this year; 
  • Freddie said he didn't flee; while 
  • Kanye is running for President;
  • the Pope popped into America;
  • Jodie just got back from honeymoon;
  • Louis might be doing X Factor again;
  • the Strictly people started for real;
  • James won Celebrity BB;
  • Kate went to prison - just visiting though;
  • Jeremy is going to talk to some people in Brighton; and
  • Sam released a new song.

Dear David - FIFA

Dear David

I am the head of a large international football association, but I think I might have to pack my job in next week.  I am looking for a new job.  Any ideas?

David Responds

Oh that is sad ... never mind.

I hear the position of head of IT development at VW might become free soon. Why not have a bash at that, it doesn't seem very difficult.

Sainsbury's

at the Patisserie ...

'Morning dear' I greeted Agatha 'I have a special order today, I'd like a religieuse a l'ancienne.'

'You want a what?' queried Agatha

'A religieuse a l'ancienne'

'What's one of those when it is at home?'

I described my patisserie treat ... 'It's made of choux fingers - like eclairs - and built into tower ... sort of nun shape ... it's religious ... and err sort of old.  It's a ... religieuse a l'ancienne.

'You want some old choux fingers for a nun?'

'No' I said and repeated the description of my order.

Agatha thought about it for a moment or two. 'We haven't got any. I could do you a plate of gingerbread men wearing habits?'

'It's not the same.  I'll have a couple of peach melbas.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Dear David - VW ... again

Dear David

I tried turning my PC off and back on again ... but it didn't work.  Any other ideas?

David Responds

I have had a quick look at your software and I'm not surprised you are having problems.

I think one of your formulas has an error in it, every time I tried different calculations it came back with the answer 'zero'.

I even tried putting Christmas budget in and it gave the answer £2.23 ... and I don't think that can be right.  I can''t think of anything I would spend 23p on.

How did your software get through Testing?

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Dear David - VW

Dear David

I am the head of a rather large car manufacturer.  We have some new software but I can't get it to work ... it looks dead complicated.  Do you know anything about computers?

David Responds

Ah yes software can be a bit confusing ... and very annoying when you can't get it to work.

Why not pop a copy on a disc and send it to me and I will have a look at it, I'll see if I can get it to work.

In the meantime have you tried turning your computer off and then back on again?

Monday, 21 September 2015

Dear David - Rugby ... again

Dear David

I want ears like a rugby player.  Can I achieve a similar look without playing rugby?

David Responds

I'm not sure ... what are your ears like now?

Oh hang on you have enclosed a photograph ...

... I like these letters ... with photographs in them ...

Let's have a look ... getting it out of the envelope ...

It's not a very good photo is it ... it's a bit hazy ... It looks like your wearing one of those Sherlock Holmes hats with the ear flaps fastened.

Let's hold the photo by the window ... see if I can get a bit more light on it ... that's better ... I can see you now.

Oh ... you're not wearing a hat.

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry got a new beard - well he grew one, he wasn't given one as a present;
  • Mary might be doing Bake off in America - careful Mary, look what happened to Paul;
  • Tim got chucked off of Bargain Hunt;
  • some people came to England to play rugby;
  • some Americans said Ant and Dec were dull;
  • some people were surprised that a couple of Geordies on America TV wouldn't be understood;
  • Bear got a new house;
  • Anne is going to be the new Mary ... or Julie;
  • Gina is getting a divorce;
  • Elton got a phone call - or maybe he didn't;
  • the Queen is getting a Bentley 4x4;
  • Harry has written twenty songs; and
  • William sat next to Joss; and
  • Kate isn't going to build a sea wall.

Dear David - Rugby

Dear David

I'm quite enjoying the rugby but I don't have a clue what is going on.  Could you explain the rules in terms I can understand?

David Responds

Oh yes I have seen this advertised on the television,  .. give me a couple of hours and I will check it out and let you know ...

... well I have watched a couple of games for you and it is quite complicated isn't it.

From what I can make out there are some people and you have a couple of teams ... and a ball and some posts ... and I think you have to get the ball from one side of the field to the other.

I am not sure what happens next I think you are supposed to try and score a goal but it all seemed a bit vague as I didn't see any goalkeepers ... having said that it didn't seem to matter as they were all miles off.

I will watch a couple more see if it gets a bit clearer.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was on the counter at the Patisserie this morning ..

'Morning dear' I said 'I think I'll try a game pie this week'

'What's that?'  she queried

'It's a pie with ... err .. game in it'

'What's game?'

'Well ... err it's your rabbits'

'Rabbits!' exclaimed Agatha

'and pigeon

'pigeon! shrieked Agatha

'and wigeon'

'pigeon?  You said pigeon'

'No not pigeon, wigeon'

'What's wigeon?' asked Agatha

I paused

'You don't know do you' taunted Agatha

'I do! It's errr ... it's sort of pigeoney but more ... err . wigeoney'

'So ...you want a pie with rabbits in?'

'Yes'

'and pigeons in?'

'Yes'

'and wigeons in?'

'Yes'

'We haven't got any.'

Miserable old bag.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Dear David - Labour Leadership ... again

Dear David

I have just taken over leadership of a political party.  I am very excited, but I think I might have to have a lot of contact with the media.  I don't like the media.  Do you have any tips for me?

J

David Responds

I think I know who you are and you are right, you will be in the media a lot.

Not sure I have a lot of advice for you but when referring to yourself and your deputy you might want to use your full first name and insist the media puts your name first.

Monday, 14 September 2015

Dear David - Labour Leadership

Dear David

Were you surprised by the Labour leadership result?

David Responds

I was very surprised ... I found out I was 10 years older than Tom Watson.

Saturday, 12 September 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David is thinking of becoming an actor; 
  • David might be the next James;
  • Louis might do X Factor - has he not already done it?;
  • Adam has a bad neck;
  • Sam is going to sing a song about James;
  • Mark broke a bone in his foot;
  • David Guetta is going to play for Manchester United;
  • Jeremy wore some shorts - it is news apparently;
  • the Queen has been knocking around for a bit;
  • someone became leader of the labour party; and 
  • X Factor is struggling already.

Lady Chatterley's Lover

Watched a Gogglebox item on Lady Chatterley's lover.

'Ooh isn't it romantic' gushed the reviewer.  'It is just like something out of a book'.

... Well yes, I suppose it is ...

Sainsbury's

Agatha was on Patisserie this morning ...

'Can I have a frangipane?'  I asked

'You get them off of kitchenware' replied Agatha

'Do you?  I queried

'Yes they are next to the saucepans'

'Not frying pan ... fangipane'

'Oh like the filling?'

'Yes'

'Flavoured with almonds?'

'Yes'

'And used in a variety of cakes and pastries?'

'yes'

'We don't do them'.

Friday, 11 September 2015

Dear David - Labour Party Leader

Dear David

I am thinking about taking over the leadership of the Labour party at the weekend and wondered if you had any advice for me?

David Responds

Oh how lovely, that will be nice.

I don’t really keep up with politics so much these days ... what happened to that nice Mr Wilson, does he not do it anymore?

As for advice … I’m not sure …. Err … I think you have to go outside a lot so what with winter coming, why don’t you get yourself a nice warm overcoat.  And shoes.  I think you have to do a lot of walking up and down, so comfortable shoes are a must.

Do have a nice time and let me know how you get on.

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

The Queen ... again

To mark the occasion of the Queen becoming the Britain's longest serving monarch, Dear David has been granted a special interview with Her Majesty the Queen.

The interview took place in a ground floor room in Balmoral Castle and I had to wait quite a bit before she arrived.  There was this trumpet noise and then she entered the room ...

'Hello' I said

'Hel ... oh it's you' said Her Majesty

'Hello' I repeated with a smile.  'You remember me?'

'Yes I do. I thought I told you not to come back'

'Don't be like that'

'Look I haven't got time for you and your stupid questions.  I've got a busy day.'

'Oh what have you got on today then?'

'Well it's my reign, today it has been the longest ever reign, and I am having a small celebration.'

'Oh we had a lot of rain last week, but we didn't celebrate it.'

'Not rain ... reign'

'Not rain rain?'

'No, not rain rain ... reign'.

'Not rain rain rain?'

'Look will you stop it?'  I've had the longest reign today'

'We had a lot of rain last week.  I just told you'

'NOT RAIN!'

'Do you always lose your temper when it rains?'

'I'm not losing my temper'

'Yes you are'

'I'm not'

'You were, you were shouting.'

'I wasn't shouting'

'You were'

'I was not SHOUTING'

'You're shouting now.'

'I'm not ... oh never mind ... I'm sorry ... What did you want to ask me about?'

'You said you were having a celebration because it had been raining a lot.  What sort of celebration'

'I'm not celebrating rain ... oh never mind.  Yes I am having a small celebration.'

'What sort of celebration?  Are you going out on the beer with your mates?'

'I don't go out on the beer and I don't have any 'mates!

'Aawww haven't you?  You're dead old I would have thought you would have a few mates by now.'

'No I meant I don't have mates, I have ladies-in-waiting.'

'Oh.  I waited for you quite a bit earlier.'

'No it doesn't mean that ... ladies-in waiting are ... err ... no never mind, they are friends, yes that is what they are .... friends.

'Oh ... so what are you doing?'

'We are having a cup of tea and a slice of cake.'

'I like cake ... what sort?'

'Peach Melbas.'

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

The Queen

Quite a bit in the news about the Queen at the moment.

I saw this chap was being interviewed about an event the Queen held for her 80th birthday where she invited 100 people born on the same day to dinner.

The gentleman said he had a nice chat with the Queen and he said for their 90th birthdays she should come to him for dinner.

The Queen laughed and said 'What a good idea'.

In case you don't know, that is Royal speak for 'fat chance'.

Saturday, 5 September 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • some footballers stopped moving around;
  • some people started singing on X Factor;
  • Obama was in the wilderness with Bear;
  • David is writing some songs for a sponge;
  • One D got some Guinness;
  • 50 cent could do with 50 cents;
  • Gwyneth is in Mexico;
  • some Strictly people were almost ready to start;
  • Cat and Pat are having a baby;
  • Chris's car got a bit of a bash; 
  • David suddenly realised he was losing votes so he discovered compassion; and 
  • him off of Mr Selfridge and her off of the Midwife got married.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie counter …

‘I’ve got a few things on my shopping list this morning’ I began

‘Oh joy’ said Agatha with a strained smile

’I’ll have a cream cake without cream, two peach melbas without peaches or melba and a couple of teacakes without currants’ 

Agatha gathered a few things and presented them on the counter.  'There' she said

'What's that lot?  They look like a pile of bread rolls.'

'No it's a cream cake without cream, two peach melbas without peaches or melba and a couple of teacakes without currants’

‘They look like bread rolls.'

‘No it's what you asked for.’

I wasn't sure but I gathered them up and made my way to the till.

I think I have been done.

Friday, 4 September 2015

Dear David - Journalism ... again

Dear David

I have just got my job back with a newspaper. Do you have any advice for me on my first day?

David Responds

Yes, get a decent hair conditioner and don’t wear a Peter Pan collar.

Thursday, 3 September 2015

Dear David - Juornalism

Dear David

Did the luckiest woman in journalism get her job back because she knows where the bodies are buried?

David responds

That would be my guess.

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Dear David - Cheryl

Dear David

Has Cheryl had her lips done?

David Responds

Cheryl? ... Cheryl who? ... oh wait a minute ... what's this in the envelope ... oh a photograph ...

... I like these letters ... it must be a photo of Cheryl ...

... with photographs in them ...

... let's get it out of the envelope and have a look ..

... oh what a pretty girl ... she looks like the girl that used to get in the chip shop on Chilli road ...

let's have a close look ...

I'm not sure if she has had her lips done, I can't really see ... it looks like she is eating a tomato.  Have you got a pic where she isn't eating?

Saturday, 29 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Louis got his sixth straight pole - what's he going to do with all those poles?;
  • One D decided that they had changed their mind about 'all they wanted to do was sing' and now all they want to do was spend their money;
  • David made some Lords;
  • Some people went into the Big Brother house – is it not only five minutes since the last lot went in?;
  • David is on holiday in Cornwall;
  • George went to New Orleans - it took 10 years but he finally got there; 
  • someone left the bake-off;
  • while X-factor got ready to start - is it that time of year already;
  • Dermot had a ride on his motorcycle;
  • someone you have never heard of has left the BB house already - hardly seemed worth going in;
  • Tom is going on X Factor; and
  • the luckiest woman in journalism might get her job back.

Metal Detectors

As European ministers gather to consider introducing metal detectors on trains, I can't help casting my mind back to the Clampett express out of Leeds at weekday rush hour.

Good luck installing those detectors.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie counter this morning ... and holding a pair of tongs ...

'Morning' I said 'I'll have ...'

'We haven't got any' jumped in Agatha

'I haven't asked for anything yet.  How do you know what I want?

'You've been asking for daft things ever since that programme started and we don't do them'

'You still don't know what I want.  I might have been going to ask for apple turnovers'

Agatha's hand hovered over the apple turnovers.  'Do you want apple turnovers?'

'No'

'What do you want then?'

'I'll have a Spanische Windtorte'

'We haven't got any'

'Decorated with violets'

'We haven't got any'

'Little violets'

'We haven't got any'

'Made out of marzipan'

'We haven't got any'

'What have you got then?

'I've got peach Melbas'

'I'll have two'. 

Thursday, 27 August 2015

Dear David PA ... again

Dear David

I saw you printed my job advert, but you didn't mention watering my plants and rotating my tyres.

I had expected a personal response from you by now, are you taking the job?

anon

David Responds

Look we had this out on the phone ... twice ... I don't want your rotten job, now sling your hook.

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Dear David - PA

Dear David

I am looking for a personal assistant to keep my affairs in order. You seem organised - would you like the job? I have enclosed a little list of things you would have to do.

anon

David Responds

Oh what a co-incidence, I was looking for a part time job for when I take partial retirement later this year ... let's have a look at this list ...

... there seems to be quite a few pages here ...

... oh ... isn't your handwriting small ...

... can't you get a lot on a page ...

... let's have a look ... what does it say ... blah blah ... personal assistant ... blah blah ... £60,000 ...  oh yes here it is ...

highly experienced … … involved in ... scheduling and organising … private, social and business calendars, … all public appearances, … travel arrangements … business projects … create a global brand …plan family birthdays … family holidays ...

Goodness what a long list ...

I see you haven't given your name, but I think I know who you are ... I can't see anything on the list about playing football.

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Dear David - China

Dear David

I am a Chinese finance minister and have just realised the country borrowed 20 trillion over the last few years. The problem is, I am not sure whether it is 20 trillion dollars or 20 trillion pounds.  Do you know?

David Responds

I am not sure the difference matters.

Monday, 24 August 2015

Priscilla Presley

In case you are interested Johnny Walker is interviewing Priscilla Presley on the radio this week.

I have heard some fascinating highlights (and I am sure there are many more).

In the clip I heard Priscilla said she didn’t divorce Elvis because she didn’t love him, she divorced him to find out who she was … …Oh?

I am not sure, but checking her passport might have been an easier way to find the answer to that question.

Saturday, 22 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Peter is doing Strictly;
  • Madonna's birthday party was interrupted by the police for being too noisy;
  • Sebastian is going to be in charge of running up and down and throwing things;
  • Joe is doing a new musical;
  • Spencer is leaving Chelsea - the TV programme not the team;
  • Chris finished doing his ghost thing film;
  • Cilla got her first number one album;
  • Banksy opened a theme park;
  • Nick had a day at the beach; and 
  • Matt had a day at Disneyland; and 
  • the one off of One D and the one off of the one that won X Factor aren't buying their house anymore.

Colour Catcher

Have just seen a TV ad for a laundry product ... Colour Catcher.

The advert posed the question 'Are you exhausted sorting your coloureds?'

Let me think about this one ... I suppose when sorting coloureds I can see the capacity for tedium, but I doubt if it would escalate to exhaustion.

So 'No Colour Catcher ... I am not exhausted sorting my coloureds.'

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning ..

I gave a cheery greeting and placed my order ... 'I'll have a quick bread'.

'I'm going as fast as I can' snapped Agatha 'I’ve been up since four’, and she slammed my loaf on the counter.

I thought that was quite rude.

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Dear David - Strictly

Dear David

Do the celebrities going on Strictly wonder if they are the one that is going to be publicly humiliated every week?

David Responds

I don't think they do.

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Dear David - There is an App for that ... again

You might have seen that Uber are developing a new app.

This one lets you call a restaurant and order a meal to be sent to your home.  Uber will then deliver your take-out to your home as requested.

What a great idea ... this is marvellous ... wait a minute.

I am beginning to think these app people are scoundrels.

Monday, 17 August 2015

Dear David - There is an App for that

Discovered a new app.

The app lets you take a photograph of an interesting view on holiday; press a few buttons and someone at the other end will print out the photograph on a piece of card.

If you add a personal message and a friend’s address they bring it all together and post the card.

How marvelous … What a great new idea … the call it a Post Card.

Hang on a minute …

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tom's lights went out; and 
  • Tom isn't doing The Voice anymore;
  • Jeremy is doing Strictly no dancing; 
  • Some football teams started playing football again; 
  • Donald proved he was an idiot – if proof were needed;
  • Sarah is selling blenders on QVC;
  • the original Gladiators are making a documentary;
  • the Gladiators haven't aged well;
  • George is doing The Voice; 
  • Paloma is going to do The voice as well; and
  • John went to Havana; and 
  • John said 'ooh isn't it nice here, why haven't we been here before?"

Sainsbury's

Agatha was at the Patisserie this morning …

‘Hello dear’ I said ‘I’ll have an edible biscuit box please’

‘Here we go’ she replied rolling her eyes

‘What?’

‘Nothing’

I started again ‘I’ll have an edible biscuit box please’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘Filled with biscuits’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘Some chocolate biscuits’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘And some plain ones’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘All presented in the edible biscuit box’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

 ‘What?

 ‘We don’t do biscuits’

‘Yes you do.’

‘No we don’t.’

‘Yes you do. You do gingerbread men.’

‘They aren’t biscuits.’

 ‘They are.’

‘They aren’t.  So do you want some gingerbread men?’

 ‘No’

‘You just said you did’

‘I didn’t’

‘You did’

 ‘I didn’t’

‘Look do you want some gingerbread men or not?’

‘Not’

‘What do you want?’

‘I’ll have an edible biscuit box please’

‘We don’t do biscuits’

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Dear David - Women's Cricket

Dear David

Is it true that after the women's cricket team broke for tea, their return to play was delayed by fifteen minutes while they did the dishes?

David Responds

No, that isn't true.

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Dear David - Internet

Dear David

I recently lost access to the internet for a few days and I didn’t know what to do with my time. How did people fill their evenings in the olden days?

David Responds

Yes it is difficult to imagine a life that isn’t online, but there was life before the internet.

There were lots of things to do of an evening; mostly involving pencils or wool.

If you were absolutely desperate you could go out and talk to people … I know, awful.

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Dear David - Northern Ireland

Dear David

De de le de le de le de de Situation ... De de le de le de le de le Situation?

David Responds

Are you from Northern Ireland?

Monday, 10 August 2015

Dear David - Shakespeare

Dear David

I have just read a report saying they think Shakespeare smoked cannabis.  Do you think is is true?

David Responds

Oh no, I don't think that is true at all ... well maybe when he wrote Midsummer Night's Dream.

Saturday, 8 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Salman ended his holiday in France and went to Morocco instead; 
  • Gwen is getting divorced;
  • Fergie has got a new house;
  • Jude is going to be a pope;
  • Zayn chucked Perrie;
  • Martin is doing Birds of a Feather;
  • Bake off had to stop using the Sound of Music trailer;
  • Halle lost her engagement ring;
  • Suranne got married; and 
  • Jennifer and Justin got married as well;
  • the Spice Girls are getting back together - you have been warned; although 
  • Posh said she couldn't be bothered 'cause she is that busy with her shop; and
  • some cricketers won some ash. 

Dear David - Urgent Announcement

Dear David has issued an urgent announcement for motorists ...

... In case you missed it, overnight, signalling at roundabouts has been banned.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was waiting for me at the Patisserie this morning ...

'I suppose you will be wanting something fancy now it's back on? she said by way of greeting

'Now what's back on?'  I asked

'The Bake Off, you always want fancy things when it's on'

'No I don't, I don't know what you mean' I protested

'Yes you do' replied Agatha picking up a cake slice and pointing at me. 'Last year you wanted a
kransekake and the year before I was up 'til midnight making an Opera cake.  I mean who wants an Opera cake?'

'That was never an Opera cake.'

'It was'

It wasn't'

'It was'

It wasn't'

'It was'

It so wasn't.  How was it an Opera cake?'

'It was small'

'Only because you cut a corner off of a raspberry sponge and tried to pass it off as an Opera cake.'

'Look are you going to buy something or not.  I've got a queue forming.'

'Have you got a black forest gateau made with beetroot?'

'Of course not, you can have these two peach Melbas or go somewhere else.'

Rotten old bag.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Dear David - Bake Off

Dear David

Does Agatha look like Mary Berry?

David Responds

Eerr ... no ... she looks more like Paul Hollywood.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Jennifer and Joanne are making a movie; 
  • Guy got married; and 
  • Brian got married as well; 
  • Perrie got a new lip liner;
  • David went on holiday to Cornwall;
  • David said 'Cornwall isn't near France is it?; and#
  • Angela is on holiday in Italy;
  • Angela said 'I think I'll give Greece a miss this year; and
  • Angela said 'I'm not that fussed on France either';
  • One D had some new tunes out; and
  • the one that left One D had a new tune out as well;
  • Ant and Dec got married - well not both of them, one of them did;
  • Kristina is seeing Ben; and 
  • the Bake-off people are heading this way. 

Dear David - French

Dear David

Should we teach the French the rules to British Bulldog?

David Responds

It is worth a try.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie this morning …

‘So’ she began ‘What’s wrong with coconut haystacks?’

‘I beg your pardon’

‘Coconut haystacks … last week … you said you didn’t like them’

‘Oh, it’s not that I don’t like them, I just think they are a bit exotic’

‘Exotic?’

‘Yes exotic’

‘Haystacks aren’t exotic’

‘Not haystacks … coconuts’

‘Coconuts aren’t exotic’

‘They are’

‘They are not’

‘They are’

‘They are not’

‘They are’

‘Look they are not. You get them of a fairground’

‘You don’t’

‘You do’

‘You don’t’

‘You do’

‘You don’t. You get goldfish of a fairground. You don’t get coconuts.

‘You get coconuts of a fairground I got a couple of big ones at the town moor last month’.

Oh – I’ll have a couple of peach Melbas’.

Friday, 31 July 2015

Dear David - USA

Dear David

Does America know that all countries have a Constitution?

David Responds

 No, it doesn't.

Thursday, 30 July 2015

Dear David - Tea

Dear David

I have just discovered this flavour of tea while on holiday and as a tea lover I am appalled. What possessed the manufacturer to make such a thing. Photograph enclosed.

David Responds

Oh a letter with a photograph … I like these letters … let’s have a look …


Good lord, what is that all about … which far flung outpost of the Empire are you on holiday to encounter such an abomination ... Let’s have a look at the post mark … Oh ... Edinburgh.

It's all that Nicola's fault, I knew it would end like this.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Dear David - Bra

Dear David

Every time I close my eyes I can see an orange bra.  Can you help?

David Responds

How odd.  err not sure ... can you see the shoes?  If they are orange it is probably all right.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • James is making another movie;
  • George was two - already;
  • 50 cent said he didn't have 50 cents;
  • Dan is going on Celebrity Big Brother;
  • some people wanted to be leader of the Labour party;
  • Charlie is leaving EastEnders;
  • Hulk got sacked - strange he looks more orange than green in this picture;
  • Barack has been to Kenya;
  • Leonardo was on his holidays on his yacht;
  • Leonardo needs a beard trimmer with a number 2.5 guard;
  • Frederick might have been a spy;
  • the ones that got married on that reality show that got married split up after a few days - who saw that coming?; and
  • someone won Celebrity MasterChef.  

Sainsbury's

Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie this morning ...

'What can I get you today?' she asked

'I think I will try something different this week.  What do you have?

'We have some doughnuts'

'No'

'Eclairs?'

'No'

'Jam tarts?'

'No'

'Chocolate brownies?'

'No'

'Coconut haystacks?'

'No'

'Why not coconut haystacks?'

'Well ... because they are not the same as what I usually get'

'You said you wanted something different'

'I know but I wanted a different sort of different'

'What sort of different?'

'The sort of different that is like what I normally get'

Agatha sighed and put two peach Melbas in a box. 

Friday, 24 July 2015

Dear David - Words

Dear David

I am thinking of setting up a new p... oh err well .... never mind  ... errr can you think of different words I can use for 'Social' and 'Democratic'.  Yes that's is what I want to know, can you think of different words?

Andy ... err no sorry ... that should be 'Anon'

David Responds

Oh this is a tricky one ... let me see ... err ... what about ... Democratic Socialist?

Thursday, 23 July 2015

Dear David - Shirley Williams

Dear David

Is it true Shirley Williams is dusting off her rosettes?

David Responds

If that isn’t a euphemism, then yes she is.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Camilla packed in the tabs;
  • Charles said 'Where you going? when Camilla said she was just popping outside for a minute at Charlotte's christening;
  • some people played tennis;
  • the orange one said she is leaving the UK;
  • someone won the tennis;
  • someone won a cricket match;
  • yo have to win a few cricket matches before you win;
  • Harry fell over on stage;
  • Nicloa was suddenly concerned about English foxes;
  • Louis is having a baby; and
  • the Queen and the Queen Mother both immediately knew the answer to the teacher's question.

MPs Pay

I don’t often comment on political events, but sometimes the temptation become irresistible …

MPs pay rise … many words already written … but have to add …

Receiving a 10% pay rise after only two months in the job (for new MPs), is probably worthy of mention.  In most occupations you are still serving out your probation period!

The case isn’t helped by David Cameron’s statement (delivered with a straight face) that the rise will “allow MPs to give more to charity.”

How lovely … I feel a tear coming to my eye.

There must be more efficient ways of giving public money to charitable organisations, other than via MP 's pay packets?  If only I knew a business analyst who could come up with a simpler solution.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was arranging her baps at the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear' I said

'I've kept these for you' Agatha said by way of greeting

'Kept what?'

'A couple of sherry trifles.  This old dear usually comes in before you and has a couple but she didn't like the look of them this morning.  Do you want them?'

'Do I want a couple of sherry trifles some old dear didn't like the look of?  Err no thanks.'

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Dear David - Money

Dear David

I am an international finance minister (I prefer not to give my name) and I have been having loads of meetings where I keep getting told to come up with ideas to raise some money.  But I can't think of any.  I am dead fed up.  Can you help?

David Responds

Oh how frustrating.  I'm not sure really, times are hard.  Have you tried feeling down the back of your sofa?

Monday, 6 July 2015

Dear David - No Vote

Dear David

I am a rather well known international finance minister but I am not sure what to do next. We have just had a bit of a vote and I have decided that I will resign if the answer is Yes and I will resign if the answer is No. Can you help?

David Responds

What a funny thing to do. I suppose I can only advise you to await the outcome and then resign.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Joe got married;
  • some people sang songs in a big field;
  • John was found in a storm drain in Majorca;
  • Victoria's drawers went on sale;
  • Olivia was 99; and 
  • Debbie was 70;
  • some ladies didn't win a football match;
  • Camilla got a new sweatband;
  • Prince isn't streaming his tunes anymore - whatever that means;
  • Dusty bin won a tennis match; and
  • some other people played tennis as well;
  • Shia hurt his head doing a film;
  • the orange one got fined and points on her licence for breaking the law; 
  • Ben and Jennifer are getting divorced; and 
  • l Kristen adopted her trademark casual style to a nail salon - or wore a t-shirt as I call it. 

Dear David - BMW

Dear David

How do you switch on BMWs indicator lights?

David Responds

BMWs do not have indicator lights.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was behind the counter at the Patisserie this morning.

'Hello dear' I said

'Do you want your usual multi-grain?' asked Agatha

'I'll have my usual multi-grain please'

'Do you want it sliced?'

'Can I have it sliced?'

'Thick slices?'

'Can you slice it thick please?'

Agatha handed over my sliced loaf.

'You will be wanting a couple of cakes'

'Can I have a couple of cakes'

'We haven't got many ready at this time of the morning'

'I don't suppose you have many ready at this time of day'

'Just what you can see on the counter'

'Is it just what you have on the counter?'

'Are you on a two minute delay?'

I wonder what she meant by that.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Dear David - Summer Nights

Dear David

I tried a tip to stay cool at night in this hot weather by putting my sheets in the freezer.

At first it was nice and cool but after a few minutes it started to get really cold.  By morning I was absolutely freezing.  Do you think this is a good tip?

David Responds

Eerr actually I think you are supposed to take the sheets out of the freezer before you go to bed.

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Dear David - Florence ... again

Dear David

I saw your letter about words, does that mean The Beatles are the same as The Animals?

David Responds

No, The Beatles are more The Crickets.

Monday, 29 June 2015

Dear David - Words

Dear David

Why do they give two different things the same name? It's a bit like calling a chocolate digestive biscuit a "banana", and also calling a yellow citrus fruit a "banana" too. Things are becoming very confusing in modern life.  Can you help?

David Responds

Goodness what a long question.

I think the problem is that there are more things than there are words. I have done a quick tot up and I think around about 1920 we ran out of new words. At that point things had to start ‘doubling up’.

Cars and IT have helped a bit by inventing things that are just random letters but it hasn’t completely solved the problem.

As we don’t need most of what is new these days the easiest thing would be for people to stop inventing things. Until then why don’t you create some new words see if you can get your friends to start using them.  

Imagine all the looks of admiration you will get down the Darby and Joan when you start using fashionable new words!

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David met the Queen;
  • a different David is releasing some box sets of his tunes;
  • Danniella got sacked off of Hollyoaks before she started; 
  • Buckingham Palace is going to cost £150 million to repair;
  • the Queen said 'How much!'
  • a builder said he could start on Thursday if a conservatory he was doing fell through;
  • the Queen might have to stay with friends while they have the work done;
  • the Queen said 'eeh I don't know what to do, I suppose I could stay with our Camilla for a while;
  • Nicola had a tour of Buckingham Palace with the Queen;
  • Nicola said 'eeh you have a lot of lovely stuff in here, do you need it all?'
  • David was touring around Europe;
  • the Queen was in Berlin;
  • the Queen hoped that Charles had remembered to stay in for that builder that was coming round on Wednesday with a quote;
  • Tom is going to be reading the news; and
  • Robbie is heading back to EastEnders.

Dear David - Florence

Dear David

Is Florence and the Machine the same as Mike and the Mechanics?

David Responds

Yes.

Sainsbury's

The banner advertising 'NEW LINES' was still above the Patisserie ...

'Morning' I said 'I see you are still pushing new lines.  I wasn't so keen on your cottage loaves, what else is new?'

'We have eclairs'.  Enthused Agatha

'There're not new'

'They are'

'They aren't.'

'They are'

'They aren't.' 

'What's new about them then.  Are they bigger?'

'No'

'Smaller?'

'No'

'Round?'

'No'

'Square?'

'No'

'I give in.  what's new about them?'

'They come in little cardboard boxes'

'That's not new'

'It is'

It isn't'

'It is'

It isn't'

'Oh go on then, I'll take a couple'

'Sorry we don't do them of a weekend ... oh that's new!' laughed Agatha

Miserable old bag.

Thursday, 25 June 2015

Dear David - Night Out

Dear David

I am having a night out with my friend the weekend after next. I hardly ever go out so I am very excited.  Is it too soon to start my beautifying routine for our evening out?

David Responds

Oh no, that's ages away, much to soon.

Oh hang on, you have enclosed a photograph ...

... I like these letters ...

... with photos in them ...

... let's gave a look ...

Good heavens ... why are you just standing there, don't you have a bath to run.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Dear David - Titchmarsh

Dear David

Have Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimock fallen out?

David Responds

Oh Charlie Dimmock, now there is a name from the past I had forgotten about her.  She was quite sturdy wasn't she, carried round bags of compost over her shoulder, chopped trees down with her bare hands.

And who was that other one ... Handy Andy ... no not him ... a bit rough and he always had to lay decking in the rain while Titchmarsh was stood having a tab under an umbrella saying 'you want to move that shed two inches to the left'.

Tommy! That was it Tommy someone ... sorry, what was it you wanted to know again?

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Dear David - Salad

Dear David

I've had a lovely healthy salad for my evening meal - but I've now eaten four bags of crisps and its only 7 pm - will l get fat?  I have enclosed a photograph of my lovey salad.

David Responds

Oh that is a lot of crisps isn't it.  And you have enclosed a photo ...

... I like these letters, with photos in them ... people do that a lot these days don't they ... take photographs of their food ...

... let's get it out of the envelope ...

... let's have a look ...

Ah well ... I know potatoes are a sort of vegetable ... but they are more carbohydrates than vegetables, so they are not really salad.

Especially when they are chopped and fried as chips.  Still I suppose if you are having some healthier stuff with it ... let's have a closer look ... no, can't see anything.

So really your evening meal was a plate of chips?

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • John signed a document 800 years ago; 
  • a baron said ‘Can you just sign there please and print your name next to it’; 
  • a Swedish prince got married; 
  • someone stole all of Gary's wine; 
  • the Queen got some new garters; 
  • Chris is going to be the new Jeremy; and 
  • Rita is going to be the new Sharon; and 
  • Nick is going to be the new Louis; 
  • the Queen watched some horse running around a field; 
  • Jeremy has stopped pretending he is ok about being sacked and had a go at Chris;
  • Mariah has a new lad;
  • Jack isn't going to be a Lord;
  • Vin is going to be the new Kojak;
  • Johnny is selling his French estate that he bought for Vanessa; and 
  • it is 200 years since Napoleon did surrender.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was looking out over the Patisserie counter this morning ...

'Barbara' I heard her call to her colleague at the far shelves ... no reply

'BARBARA' called Agatha rather louder

'What!  said Barbara (presumably) turning around in fright

'Are the Harvest baps not in the wrong place?'

Barbara stopped what she was doing and looked up 'Oh err yes, so they are.'

'Who put them there'

slight pause then 'Me'

'Well put them in the right place. You know I don't like my baps in the wrong place'

That woman misses nothing, she has eyes like a bat.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Dear David - Lost Payments

Dear David

I am the head of an international bank, but I have lost hundreds of thousands of payments worth millions of pounds, I have looked all over and I can't find them.  I don't know what to do. Help!

David Responds

Oh dear that is annoying isn't it.

Can you remember where you were when you last had them?  Try thinking back.  You will be amazed at what will pop into your head.  I remember one time when I lost a valuable item, I looked everywhere for it, you will never guess where it was ... oh never mind you don't want to hear about that.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Dear David - Going Spare

Dear David

A mutual acquaintance of ours has a spare pussy looking for a good home. Agatha from Sainsbury's Patisserie strikes me as a pussy woman - could you ask her if she is interested on Saturday?

David Responds

I’m not sure that is such a good idea.  Agatha shouted for the manager when I said she had some of the biggest buns in the north east, I can only imagine the potential for confusion if I do as you suggest.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Dear David - Hay Fever ... again

Dear David

I tried your advice about shielding my face with my scarf to help with my hay fever but I had a terrible time.

The Blue Raccoon had its heating on full blast and I passed out with heat exhaustion and dehydration from wearing my scarf.  The paramedic said he had never seen such an allergic reaction to 4ply wool and I spent two days on a drip trying to get my fluid levels back up.  Do you have any other ideas to help my hay fever.

David Responds

Oh good lord you don't get in the Blue Raccoon do you?

I'm not sure what to suggest, perhaps somewhere north facing that is cold and preferably the other side of town?

Or what about only going out when it rains, I don't think pollen is much of a bother in a rain.  Yes that's it, only go out in the rain.

Monday, 15 June 2015

Dear David - Resignation

Dear David

I am the head of an international football association and I resigned a few weeks ago because I was dead fed up. Now I think I have changed my mind and want to withdraw my resignation any ideas how I can do it?

David Responds

Oh I’m not sure. I have passed your letter to Nigel Farage … he might be able to help.

Isn't that funny ... who would have thought you would say Sepp Blatter and Nigel Farage in the same sentence ... but then again thinking about it.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Kate got chucked off a plane for being a ratbag;
  • Her had her picture taken and said she didn't have anything to do with that one off of One Direction was on Love island;
  • I saw that one that had her picture taken with that one off of One Direction on Love Island - I believe her;
  • Louis isn't getting engaged - neither is his girlfriend;
  • Brad and Angelina got an aeroplane with some poor people;
  • some people got some letter to put after their name;
  • Lenny got a sirknighthoodship;
  • Duncan got chucked;
  • the Queen looked at some soldiers;
  • Carol got some blonde hair - she got the wrong dye off the shelf, she shouldn't have taken one from the top;
  • Chris did some show he did years ago on channel 4;
  • Chris might be doing Jeremy's show; 
  • Chris said 'eeh I've done nothing on the telly for ages and now two come along at once; and
  • some singer fell off the stage and broke his leg - it dead dangerous on them stages, especially when you are knocking on a bit.

Sainsbury's

There was a banner sign saying 'New lines' above the Patisserie this morning ...

'Morning dear, I said 'What's all these new lines then?'

'We have some new lines in' replied Agatha

'Oh that sounds exciting, what have you got?'

'We have cottage loaves'

'What's those?'

'They are like a farmhouse ... only a cottage'

'What's the difference'

'Well ... err farmhouses are sort of farmhousey and cottage loves are ... err .. sort of err ... cottagey'

'That's just the same'

'No it isn't'

'It is'

'It isn't'

'It is'

'It isn't'

'It is'

'Look it isn't'  snapped Agatha 'Anyway the cottage ones are roundish and the other ones are sort of squarish.'

'Have you got a couple of large ones then?'

'Mr Jackson!'

Friday, 12 June 2015

Dear David - Hay Fever

Dear David

I am thinking of going out at the weekend for a drink with my friend, but I suffer from terrible hay fever and it spoils my evening.  Can you give me any advice about my hay fever?

I thought you might like to see a photograph of me in my new summer outfit for my night out.

David Responds

Oh that is disappointing isn’t it, getting hay fever as the weather turns nicer, and just when you have found a friend as well.

Oh a letter with a photograph in it …

… I like letters with photographs in them …

… fishing it out of the envelope … let’s have a look …

... What are you wearing dear, it looks a bit substantial for a summer outfit ...it is years since I’ve seen gabardine, I didn’t know you could still get it.

Why are you eating a tomato? Let’s have a closer look … oh … it isn’t a tomato … is that your nose? Goodness you do suffer badly from hay fever don’t you.

I am not sure what to suggest, what about that scarf you have around your neck … it looks nice and thick … and woolen. If you hold that over your face it should stop any pollen getting through.  Give it a try and let me know how you get on.

I'll send you a copy of my free leaflet How to have a nice night out when you suffer from hay fever and look like rubbish.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

Dear David - The Queen

Dear David has been given another marvelous opportunity to interview Her Majesty the Queen.

I have been shown into a small summer house at the side of Buckingham Palace while I await Her Majesty … the Queen arrives …

‘Hello’ I smile in greeting

‘Hello’ replies the Queen … ‘Oh it’s you’

‘Hello. It’s been ages hasn’t it’

‘Yes it has, but I thought we agreed last time you wouldn’t come back’

‘Don’t be like that. I just thought it would be nice to catch up’

‘What do you want this time. I’ve told you all about my hats, dresses and jewels. There’s nothing left’

‘I saw in the papers you had had another grandchild’

‘Ah yes … Great’

‘Yes it is isn’t it’

‘No, great-grandchild. I’ve had another great-grandchild’

‘Yes they are all great aren’t they’

‘No I mean … oh never mind. Yes I’ve had another grandchild’

‘How many have you got now?’

‘Oh I’m not sure … about twelve’

‘Twelve!’ Goodness that’s a lot you must be on ages knitting at Christmas’.

‘I don’t knit’

‘Aww, did you not learn it when you were little, couldn’t pick it up?’

‘It’s not that, I was a princess and princesses don’t knit’

‘Aww were you not allowed? Could you not make them let you? Couldn’t you wave your wand or something?’

‘Wave my wand?’

‘Yes your wand.’

‘I haven’t got a wand.’

‘You haven’t? I thought all princesses had wands.’

‘They don’t.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes’

‘Not even a little one?’

‘No’

‘Are you sure, I know they are supposed to be secret.’

‘Look I never had a wand.’

‘You seem quite bitter about it’

‘I’m not bitter’

‘Then why are you shouting?’

‘I’m not shouting’

‘You are’

‘I’m not’

‘You are’

I’m not’

‘It sounds like you are.’

‘I’m not. Is there a point to this? I have another meeting’ With that the Queen got up and left the room.

‘Isn’t she marvelous.’