Saturday, 27 December 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tara couldn’t get into a first class lounge; 
  • George and Amal are having Christmas in Mexico;  
  • Mel B was on Quiz of the Year - no one question wasn't 'Why is Mel B on Quiz of the year?; 
  • Nick left the Apprentice even though he wasn't fired;
  • Jodie is going to become an MP;
  • Shane got some blonde highlights;
  • Ludacris got engaged to Eudoxie Mbouguiengue - yes I've no idea either, but apparently it is important news that we should all know;
  • Screech got arrested;
  • some royals had a Christmas dinner at Sandringham;
  • Kate and William didn't have Christmas dinner at Sandringham;
  • the Queen said not to bother getting out the picnic chairs because Kate and William aren't coming;
  • someone won the apprentice; and
  • Louis won Strictly again.


There was no sign of her at the Patisserie this morning ...

Margret was on the front.

'Oh hello' I said 'Is Agatha not on today?'

'She was supposed to be' said her replacement 'but she was doing the Karaoke at the Blue Racoon last night and she phoned in this morning for a lieu day.  She said she was feeling a little tired.  Well that is what she said but I think she had been on the drink.  The manager was furious and he put me on the front'

'Oh dear I hope she gets better soon.  I don't suppose you have any mince pies left?  Agatha said she would keep me a pack for this weekend'.

'Oh yes we have lots.  We have some lovely iced ones'

'What!  I thought you didn't do iced ones?  Agatha said you didn't do iced ones'.

'Wonder why she said that .... we have all sorts ... orange and cranberry, flaky pastry ones and lots of the iced ones ... all sorts ... we have been doing them since October'.

That miserable old bag.

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Dear David - Katie Melua

Dear David

I am a great fan of the popuar singer Katie Melua, but I have never known how to pronounce her surname.  Do you know how to pronounce it?

David Responds

Yes, it is pronounced Melua.

Dear David - Office Party

Dear David

I have just realized you're missing the office party - should I save u a sausage roll?


David Responds

No thanks, last time I had one of your rotten sausage rolls I spent two days in Accident and Emergency.

Monday, 22 December 2014

Dear David - Season of Goodwill

Dear David

When does the season of good will start?

David Responds

Ah yes the Season of Goodwill … is it here again already?

The duration of the season is fairly well documented, it starts on Christmas eve when people give you presents and ends on Christmas Day when dinner you have had your dinner and the washing up has to be done.

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Mel missed the X Factor final – I wish I had missed the X Factor final;
  • Mel didn’t say why she had been in hospital;
  • Mel was covered in bruises;
  • Mel left her husband;
  • Russell went to the bank;
  • some royals had a Christmas party;
  • Greg is getting married again – what after that Strictly appearance she still said ‘Yes’; and
  • Kym is getting married; and
  • Elton and David are getting married as well;
  • the Queen had a Christmas party for the family;
  • the Queen arrived at Sandringham for Christmas;
  • the Queen said I suppose I should make a start with the unpacking;
  • the Queen asked if Waitrose had been with her shopping; and
  • the Queen said ‘I’m sure I had a tin of Ye Olde Oak ham at the back of this cupboard somewhere.


Sony came in for some criticism from Obama after cancelling that film.

He said they shouldn't let foreign dictators impose censorship on views expressed in America ... that's his job.


FIFA have revealed they will release a secret report into the World Cup bidding scandal.

But they are going to remove all the words first ... to keep it secret.


Agatha was shuffling around in time to a beat at the Patisserie ...

‘What’s that?’ I asked

‘What’s what?



‘That noise’

‘What noise?’

‘That noise ... like a jingling sort of noise’

‘It's music’

‘You don’t normally have music’

‘The manager says we can have music because it’s Christmas’

‘It’s not Christmas for nearly a week’

‘I know but the manager says we should be pushing our Christmas wares as it is special’

‘Oh that’s nice, have you got anything on special?’ I quizzed.




‘You mean “Yes”?’

‘I don’t’

You do, I said you have nothing on special so you should say ‘Yes you haven’t’. But you didn’t, you said ‘No you didn’t have nothing on special’ so that meant you did’

‘Are you taking tablets?’


‘Well you should’.

Miserable old bag.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

James Bond

I notice that Sony has suffered from a bit of hacking. They say the secret script for the next James Bond movie has been stolen.

Oh dear …

... wait a minute ‘secret script’ … What secret script?

You mean the one where a megalomaniac is plotting to take over the world and only our James Bond can foil his evil plan and has to go to a hot country to do it ...that secret script?

I don't know how to break this to you Sony ... but the script for the next James Bond movie isn't secret.

Monday, 15 December 2014

Dear David - Stamp

Dear David

I've received a Christmas card with a second class stamp on it.  Do you think I should terminate my friendship with the sender?

David Responds 

Oh that is a little disappointing isn't it. 

I know you like to steam the stamp off the envelopes you receive and use them again so you are probably disappointed at only getting a second class stamp on this occasion. 

This means you will have to make some amendments to the accounting ledgers that you keep in an old oxo tin in the attic but perhaps terminating a friendship over this might be an over-reaction. 

Perhaps you could you ask your friend to send you the difference in cash while you think it over?

Dear David - Take That

Dear David

How many more members of Take that have to leave before Howard Donald gets a go at lead vocals?

David Responds

Another two should do it.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
    • The winner of Strictly was voted off; 
    • Nigel couldn’t get to his own meeting because he said immigrants were blocking the M4 – seems like even Nigel doesn’t want to meet Nigel; 
    • David promised to have 1,000s more maths teachers … or was that 100s more?; 
    • Somebody won that one in the jungle I’ve not been watching; 
    • Alex has been counting chickens; 
    • Kate and William were in New York;
    • some people were told they might get a Golden Globe;
    • Angelina wants to be the next pope;
    • Zayn got a new hair-do; and
    • Nigel and Russell made shows of themselves on Question Time.

      Dear David - After Shave

      Dear David

      I am going to the works Christmas party at the community center tonight and I've bought a new after shave for the event. I have sent you a little sample to get your opinion. what do you think?

      David Responds

      Is it Christmas party time again already.

      Oh and how lovely a little present in with the letter ...

      ... I like these letters ...

      ... fishing the parcel out of the envelope ...

      ... let's have a look ...

      ... oh how clever ... you have put your after shave sample in an old Tweed bottle ... wherever did you get that from ...

      Let's see if I can get the top off ... I'm not sure it is going to come off ... oh aren't you strong ... you must have a grip like a gorilla.

      Ah no .. there it is ... the top has come off ... let's have a smell ... good lord that is strong isn't it ... no not strong ... what's the word? ... 'pungent' yes that's a better word ... it is very pungent.

      Oh heavens I must remember to get some domestos ... eeeh what am I like where did that random thought come from!

      What was I saying ... oh yes your after shave ... yes it is very nice I am sure all the ladies will love it ... but don't go mad with it try just a little dab ... several hours before you go out.


      Agatha was full of busy at the Patisserie this morning ...

      'What can I get you this week?' she asked 'Would you like half a mince pie, or maybe I can get you a quarter slice of chocolate cake?'

      'Very funny' I replied, Agatha was referring to my purchase of two mince pies the previous week.  'It is all very well for you with your fancy 15% discount but times are hard and I'm not made of money.  Have you got anything Christmassy ... but not mince pies.'

      'Not mince pies?'


      'I've got Christmas cake?'

      'Not Christmas cake'

      'What about Stollen?'

      'Oh that sounds nice.  What is it?

      'It is sort of like a rolled up tea cake with currents and cream in.'

      'Have you got stollen without currents in?'

      'No, it's made with currants'.

      'Have you not got anything else?'

      'Have I not got anything else?'



      'I'll have two mince pies, and can I have them in a box.'

      Friday, 12 December 2014


      Russell Brand achieved the seemingly impossible task of making Farage sound reasonable.

      Thursday, 11 December 2014

      Festive Joy

      Christmas is very close.

      I’ve now started to play that game where the Post Office put a card through my front door, expressing surprise that I was not in during normal business hours as they had important business to conduct with me.

      The next stage is I have to guess where their delivery office is; when it is open, and then tour the north east to try and find it.

      I then have to argue with some rat bag over the counter to prove who I am and to convince her to hand over my parcel.

      Wednesday, 10 December 2014

      Dear David - Lidl ... again

      Dear David

      Is Aldi an anagram of Lidl?

      David Responds

      Well no.  But I think both names could do with a few more letters in them.

      Dear David - Lidl

      Dear David

      I've been watching the Lidl Christmas advert where everyone sits round a giant table and eats Lidl products. Do you think all those people who act surprised that they are eating Lidl food really dont know that they aren't being filmed for a Lidl advert?

      David Responds

      Oh I don’t know ... I don’t know what people don’t know …

      … but I think they know.

      I have had a close look at the advert and you can’t tell from the screen, but there must be at least a dozen Lidl carrier bags lying around on the floor … so they must know.


      Having failed to convince Scotland to vote for Independence Alex Salmond is now planning to return to Westminster … presumably to try and convince England to vote for independence from Scotland.

      Tuesday, 9 December 2014

      Nativity Play

      It is that time of year when work colleagues slope off early in the afternoon to see their little one in the school nativity play.
      Her in accounts never misses.  

      I’m not being funny but she has been pulling that one for years, by my reckoning their ‘wee Jeannie’ must be 27 by now.

      Premier Foods

      Following the news that Premier Foods are unapologetic about asking suppliers for payments to continue using them I have written to the company to request a small contribution to my weekly grocery budget for me to continue to use them as my supplier.  

      So far I haven’t heard back.

      Monday, 8 December 2014

      Dear David - Christmas Present

      Dear David
      I have bought Christmas presents for my pet hamster, I have bought a hamster bed, a hamster blanket, a hamster hat and some hamster treats.  Is there anything else I can get?
      David Responds
      Yes … medical help.

      Saturday, 6 December 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • David had a bump in his car;
      • Queen Letizia was in Berlin;
      • Queen Letizia's hair got blown in the wind;
      • Queen Letizia said 'ooh isn't it cold over her';
      • Gordon said 'I'm sick of this lark' and packed it in;
      • Tony and Cherie sent their Christmas card;
      • Mike is going on the second series of The Jump – I’m surprised … a second series;
      • Camilla wore a tiara – it’s not a crown though;
      • Nigella is back on the telly in America;
      • Joan might be getting a Sir damehoodship;
      • some people left the jungle and some went in; and
      • Felipe said Felipe was leaving the Apprentice;

      Dear David - Trotters

      Dear David

      I have been given some pigs trotters, can you tell me what to do with them?

      David Responds

      Yes, throw them in the bin.

      Dear David - Christmas Dinner

      Dear David

      I am thinking of making a Christmas dinner with a capon. Do you have any tips?

      David Responds

      Yes, tie it quite firmly round your neck so it doesn't get in your way while you are cooking.

      Dear David - Pies

      Dear David

      I absolutely hate the filling in mincemeat pies.  can you suggest an alternative?

      David Responds

      Yes, apple.


      At the Patisserie ...

      Agatha was arranging her buns when I arrived this morning.

      'Morning' I said, 'I'll have some of your finest Christmas mince pies'

      Agatha went out the back and came back with a tray of mince pies. 'How many do you want?'

      'Let's have a look at them' I said Ah no, not those ones'.

      'What's wrong with them?'

      'I only like the ones with icing on the top'

      'They have got icing on the top'

      'Ah no, that's a sprinkling of icing ... I was after a layer of icing'

      'We don't do those'

      'You don't?'

      'We don't

      'Are you sure? Can you not have a look out the back?'

      'Can I not have a look? queried Agatha



      'Go on'


      'All right then, I'll just take two of your ordinary mince pies'.


      'Yes two'

      'Is that all?'


      'All this fuss for weeks over mince pies and you only want two?'

      'Yes, times are hard and I'm not made of money'

      'We don't do them in twos, we only do them in fours or sixes'.

      'Hmmm, ... well I'll have a pack of four then'.

      'We only have packs of six left.'

      Miserable old bag.

      Thursday, 4 December 2014

      Dear David - Lobster

      Dear David

      Do you think Iceland's lobster will taste like lobster?


      David Responds

      Oh I’m not sure. 
      I know there was a bit of controversy over Kerry’s prawn ring, some people thought it was a bit battered by the time they got it home. 
      I have my doubts over the quality of Peter’s lobster, but it looks fairly sturdy in its shell. 
      I notice in the advertisement, no size of lobster is mentioned so maybe you might want to have a corned beef and potato plate pie handy just in case your lobster doesn’t go very far.

      Wednesday, 3 December 2014

      Dear David - Christmas Card

      Dear David

      I am trying to choose our annual Christmas card. Photographs enclosed, what do you think?

      Tony and Cherie

      David Responds

      Dear me Christmas questions already …

      Oh a letter with photographs in …

      … I like these letters …

      ….let’s have a look ….

      Now let me see … which picture ….

      … not that one.

      Tuesday, 2 December 2014


      We all love a bit of Dolly, but dear me new tune Blue Smoke ... What the b h is that all about.

      I think she has been watching too many episodes of the Beverly Hillbillies

      Monday, 1 December 2014

      Cyber Monday

      Oh how exciting cyber Monday is finally here ...

      I must have missed Cyber Monday eve. What happens on cyber Monday eve?