Saturday, 29 November 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Angelina is buying a house in Marylebone;
  • Lewis won a race;
  • the one we have forgotten about off of X Factor had an affair with the one that has just been eliminated;
  • Simon laughed when Stevi asked for a record contract;
  • Zayn was tired and gaunt - oh last week he was just gaunt;
  • Cher cancelled some tour dates;
  • Brad and Angelina had a row;
  • Angelina said it was so not her turn - she put he rubbish out last week;
  • Laurence said 'eeh I thought there was more days than this to Christmas';
  • Andrew said 'If I'd had that day off work instead of going in I could have saved £3million'; and
  • Burt sold a load of his stuff off.

Driver

Note to the gentleman who pulled out in front of me at a junction with inches to spare, and then did the same at the next junction in front of a big van ... if you don't slow down you will never make it to ASDA to get your cheap telly.

Sainsbury's

At the Patisserie ...

Agatha had her Christmas apron on ... and some holly in her hair

'Oh, look at you' I said 'aren't you all festive.  I don't suppose you have any mince pies in early do you?'

'I told you last week, we don't do them till December ... come back on Monday.'

'You're a bit grumpy this morning.'

'You would be grumpy if you had holly in your hair.'

'Why don't you take it out?'

'The manager says I have to wear it'.

'What for?'

Agatha turned towards the back and shouted ... 'Margaret, what was it the manager said about this holly again?' .... (muffled response from out back)  ... 'oh yes he said ... he wanted me to be the smiling happy festive face of Sainsbury's this Christmas.'  So I have to wear the holly.

'You don't look very happy and festive.'

'Would you be happy with holly in your hair?'

'I suppose not.'  Seizing the moment I thought I would take a chance ... 'Are you peach Melbas on special ... what with it being Black Friday?'

'No.'

Miserable old bag.

Friday, 28 November 2014

Black Friday

An urgent community announcement from Dear David ...

Following disgraceful scenes of panic buying the second day of the 'Black Friday' sale at Deidre Fishwick's home craft stall has been cancelled.

Pleb

At the end of the 'pleb' trial I see the judge found in favour of the PC ... saying the PC was well suited to his job ...  and the judge went on to say ... he didn't believe the PC had the intellect or wit to make up such a tale as the sorry events of that evening.

Note to policeman ... you do realize he is calling you thick don't you?

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Arrangements

Two older people were outside the library making arrangements to meet the following day at the train station.

But they were using words ... actual words.

What a funny thing to do.

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Dear David Announcement

In an exciting technological development Dear David is now accepting questions via that little blue circle with the squiggly line on it.

Christmas Card

I overheard an assistant in the Christmas shop ...

... 'Is it just the one Christmas card you are wanting?'

What a bitch.

Monday, 24 November 2014

Dear David - Camels

Dear David

I heard the nativity story today for the first time and I really liked it.  Especially the part about the three wise men going to see the baby Jesus on camels.  (The wise men were on the camels not the baby Jesus).

I really like camels, do you know what their names were?

Sarah age six

David Responds

Camels were not introduced to the middle east until around the year 500 AD, so this part of the story is unlikely to be true.  There were no camels. 

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Gemma hadn’t realised the jungle would be outdoors;
  • Gemma hadn’t realised the jungle would be hot;
  • Gemma hadn’t realised the jungle would have animals in it;
  • Gemma hadn’t realised the jungle would have insects in it;
  • Gemma said I don’t like the jungle;
  • Roger’s wife should keep her trap shut; 
  • Zayn was looking gaunt; 
  • Jeremy got done for speeding on his bicycle; 
  • George keeps his milk in a locked fridge; 
  • Bono fell off his bike; 
  • Julien can’t come into the UK; 
  • Ed said he was chucking out his Here’say records; 
  • Charles says he isn’t going to stop talking; 
  • Zayn got a new hair-do – I wonder if that is why he was gaunt?; 
  • Boris got a US Tax bill; and 
  • Lee is packing in comedy .

Sainsbury's

At the Patisserie …

Agatha was brushing excess flour off her baps …

‘Morning dear’ I said as I picked up my just sliced multi-grain. ‘What with it being nearly Christmas I’ll have six mince pies as well’

‘We haven’t got any’ replied Agatha

‘You haven’t got any?’

‘We haven’t got any’

‘You haven’t got any?’

‘Stop saying that – we haven’t got any’

‘But it is nearly Christmas – everyone has mice pies in’

‘We don’t do mince pies until first of December’

‘But Marks and Spencer have got there’s in,'

‘We still haven’t got any’

‘What will I do now? I’m having a mince pie and mulled wine tasting this afternoon, I need mince pies’

‘Can’t you use something else?’

‘Well not really, your supposed to have mince pies at a mince pie tasting’

‘I could do you some sly cakes with holly in’

‘No thanks, the last ones you sold me were rotten’

‘I could leave the currants in if that will help?’

'Go on then, but cut them into quarters, I'm not made of money and her next door will go through the lot if I don't watch her'. 

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Nicola Sturgeon

The BBC informed us that Nicola Sturgeon had just become the first ever female leader of Scotland ...

... really? ... Mary Queen of Scots might have something to say about that ...

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Dear David - Christmas Countdown

Dear David

I think I am getting obsessed (36) with counting down the days (almost 35) to Christmas. Can you help?

David Responds

Not really, I think you are beyond it (34).

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Dear David - Regions

Dear David

Can you tell me where the erogenous regions are?

David Responds

Yes, they are somewhere near the equator.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Janet isn't going to Tesco anymore - I hope she isn't going to go to Sainsbury's instead;
  • Dolores has had better weeks - it's not often I get to write of a Dolores;
  • Ed has had better weeks as well; 
  • Vanessa isn't allowed to go skiing;
  • a load of people you never heard of are heading to the jungle;
  • Kate and William went to the theatre;
  • Gerri is getting engaged again;
  • and Dec got engaged too;
  • Robert got a funny hair-do;
  • Bono's jet door fell off;
  • Graham's new restaurant in Mayfair didn't get many customers;
  • Edwina is going in the jungle; and
  • some people are singing that Band Aid song again.

Dear David - Comet ... again

Dear David

I have had some more bad news about my spacecraft - it has fallen in a hole and now its solar panels won't work.  Help!

David Responds

Honestly that spacecraft is becoming a bit of a nuisance.

Bit of a tricky one this .. you might want to write this guidance down.

This isn't ideal as the light from the sun is a lot stronger, but this is the best I can do in the circumstances.

First put your kitchen light on, then take a mirror.  Use the biggest one you can find and hold comfortably - take care they can be quite heavy ... be careful not to drop it.

Next hold the mirror so it is reflecting the light from your kitchen window up into the sky.   Try and aim the light in the general direction of the comet.  This should help recharge the spacecraft batteries.

The light has a long way to go so hold this position until your arms are slightly tired. 

Dear David - Sofas

Dear David

As Christmas approaches and the sofa adverts on TV increase it got me thinking - will vegetarians sit on a leather sofa?

C

David Responds

What a funny question.  It is not as if you are asking them to eat your sofa.  lol.

But I do see your predicament.  Why not have a nice chintz sofa in your parlor and have your leather sofa in your drawing room.

When guests arrive, as you take their coats and before you invite them to sit down, casually ask 'Are you a carnivore or a vegetarian?

You can then direct them to the appropriate room.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was back on the Patisserie ...

'Oh hello dear' I said 'I missed you last week'

'I was on a disciplinary'

'So I hear, what did you do this  time'

'Nothing, it's that manager, he has got it in for me.'  He made a right fuss about the Christmas decorations.'

'Oh dear, did he make you take them down?'

'No,' Agatha look a bit surprised, 'they are still up.'

'Where?'

'Well here ... there's some tinsel ... and look over there ... there's a bauble.'

'Oh yes, now you point them out I can see them.  There's not very many'.  I don't recognize them from last year ... Are they new?'

'Yes, we got them from Lidl.'

Friday, 14 November 2014

Christmas Wonderland ....

A bit of a scene at the Fenwick's Christmas Wonderland counter with security being called to evict a customer.

To be fair I can see the potential for confusion when the lady assistant asked the man 'Would you like your balls in a box'.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Dear David - Comet ... again

Dear David

I bought a new remote control for my space craft as you suggested, but nothing happens when I press the buttons. Help!

David Responds

Oh that is frustrating isn’t it and after you spent such a lot of money on your little space craft.

Try taking the batteries out of your remote control and put them back in again. Then press the buttons really hard for seven seconds.

If that doesn’t work, take the batteries back out again and rub them in your hands for a few seconds, to make them warm, then try again.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Dear David - Comet

Dear David

I recently landed a spacecraft on a comet 300 million miles away, but I've just realized I have left the remote control on the dashboard.  Help!

David Responds

Oh it is annoying when you do that isn't it.

I don't suppose you can go after it and get it back can you?

If not why don't you get one of those multipurpose remotes from Comet (lol) and see if that works.

Put one of those extra strength batteries in it and press really hard on the buttons to get it to work.

Monday, 10 November 2014

The Cranberries

The singer in The Cranberries is in a bit of bother over an alleged incident on a flight between Ireland and the USA – it might result in her being banned from America.

There might have been a bit more comedic value in this had she been traveling to Turkey.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Scott left Strictly; 
  • two left X Factor; 
  • Cheryl moved her mouth and danced to a tune on X Factor; 
  • Beatrice said ‘You know what I’m not so bothered about going on this spacecraft thing anymore’;
  • Alistair is packing it in at the House of Commons; 
  • Sherlock got engaged;
  • Niall jumped over a wall;
  • some people were getting ready to go into the jungle;
  • PJ and Duncan were 25;
  • Ed has had better weeks;
  • Cheryl turned on some lights; 
  • Mark is going to be the six billion dollar man; and
  • someone left the Apprentice - which one was it again?

Dear David - Debt

Dear David

I am in charge of a lot of money but I have just had a bill off of Europe and it is for loads.  i wrote to them to tell them I had just had a load of champagne delivered and I was skint so couldn't pay.  This sent me this payment plan but I cant make head or tail of it ...

... they said they would deduct what they already owe me and take off my birthday money - and if we didn't get each other Christmas presents this year it would come down a lot.  And they said if we call this month August I could pay it in February.  They said that would get it down quite a lot.  What do you think?

anon

David Responds

This is a tricky one ... but I would take the offer - the amount is nothing compared to how much you gave the banks.

And what about all that money you have been printing for years now ... can you not just give them some of that?

Sainsbury's

There was no sign of Agatha at the Patisserie this morning …

... a stranger was putting loaves on the shelves … he shouted out the back as I arrived ‘Margaret, there’s some bloke on the counter’

… “some bloke” ….I gave a little shudder …

Margaret came out the back.

‘Oh is Agatha not on this morning?’ I asked

‘No, she is on a disciplinary’

‘Not again, what she done this time?’

‘Well nothing ... it wasn’t her fault … not really.

'The manager told her to take down the firework decorations and put up the Christmas ones'.

'She said she was fed up putting up decorations. After she had finished the manager came to check them over and he said he didn't think the artificial snow was very 'snowy' and he didn't like where she had put the Rudolph'.

'She was dead cross and she said she knew where she would like to put the Rudolph.

Then the manager said "What did you say?" and she said "You heard". And he said "If I get anymore cheek from you, I'll have you back on Fresh Fish before your feet touch the ground". And she said "A little pipsqueak like you couldn't put a cod slice on Fresh Fish never mind her".

'And he said "Who are you calling a pipsqueak?" and she said "Well I don't see anyone else here".

'So what happened?' I asked

'Well like I say, she is on a disciplinary and she is out back putting cream in the doughnuts ... only the round ones, she isn't allowed to touch the finger ones.'

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Cheryl

Our Cheryl was complaining that people were still calling her by her previous name, she said she thought it was dead rude.

Well I suppose if you didn't change your name every five minutes it would be easier to remember it.

To be fair to her fans, it is quite hard to say Cheryl Fernandez-Versini when you are eating a cheese pasty.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Dear David - Bonfire Night

Dear David

All these bangs have upset my pussy - what can I do to sooth it?

David Responds

Is that you Mrs Slocombe?

It is upsetting isn't it but at least it isn't raining.  Last bonfire night your pussy got soaking wet in all that rain and you spent all night drying it in front of the fire.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Griff Rhys Jones

Griff Rhys Jones has threatened to leave the country if Labour wins the next election.  

I am not sure what he means by ‘threatens’. 

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Chris and whatever she was called have split up after he had dinner with Gwyneth;
  • David met a voter;
  • Kara and Artem split up;
  • Ant and Dec are doing next year’s Brits;
  • a clutch of people left the Apprentice; and
  • some other ones left Strictly and the singing one;
  • Robbie had a new baby; and
  • we all had to watch it on the six o'clock news;
  • Robbie announced a new world tour - no connection;
  • Jamie closed some of his cookery schools; and
  • George sang that song I can't stand on Strictly but it was quite a good version.

Christmas Fayre

Popped along to the Community Center Christmas Fayre.

Where did Christmas come from all of a sudden, shouldn't someone somewhere be keeping a daily Christmas countdown so we know how near it is.

But I did manage to buy all my Christmas presents from the craft stall ... now who do I know who would like a crochet poncho ... ooh I know ...

Halloween

Another Halloween but no callers this year.

Well I nearly got one.  I could hear some people approaching outside on the front path.  I was standing behind the front door ready to throw it open and shout 'Boo' when they rang.

Then I heard one of them say 'Don't go in there, that's where the miserable old b******' lives.'

I think they had mixed me up with old mister Smith at number 93.

Sainsbury's

… The Patisserie was still covered in Halloween decorations.

Agatha was all ready and waiting.

‘I’ll have my usual sliced dear’ I said. ‘I thought you were getting new decorations for bonfire night’

‘We have’ she said ‘These are them’

‘Those’

‘Them’

‘Those’

‘What those?’

‘These those’

‘What are?’

‘These decorations are your bonfire night decorations’

‘That is what I said’

‘But they aren’t’

‘They are’

‘They aren’t, they are the same as your Halloween decorations’

‘They aren’t’

‘They are’

They aren’t’

‘They are – we have been on putting them up since 4 o’clock this morning.’

‘They look the same as the Halloween decorations – they are all black’

‘Bonfires are at night, and it is black at night’

‘What’s that skeleton then?’

‘That’s Guy Fawkes’

‘What about that there then’ I said pointing ‘That there's a pumpkin – pumpkins aren’t bonfire night – they are Halloween’

‘That’s my shopping’

‘Well where’s the fireworks, you always have fireworks of a Bonfire night … and you haven’t got any’

‘We aren’t allowed – Health and Safety’

‘You’re making this all up’.

‘Look are you going to buy anything or not – I’ve got a queue forming’

Miserable old bag.