Friday, 31 October 2014

Dear David - Halloween

Dear David

What do you think of my outfit for tomorrow evening when we go to the Laughing Donkey?

David Responds

I think you will look very nice from a distance - I shall wave.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Dear David - Halloween

Dear David

I was wondering if you had decided if you were going to the Halloween Night of Horror at the Laughing Donkey this year. If you are I can get us tickets.

David Responds

I’m not keen.

Not after last year ...

... when you told that big lad on the door of the Laughing Donkey that you got a right fright when you saw his costume and he said he wasn’t wearing a costume.

And you said well he should carry a notice to warm people and he said ‘are you trying to be funny’ and did you want a punch on the nose.

Then you said ‘him and who’s army’ and he said ‘that army in there’ and he pointed to four even bigger lads at the bar.

Then you said ‘they are big buggers aren’t they’ and we had to make a hasty retreat and try and get into the Silver Slipper across the road. And it cost £5 on top of what we spent on tickets to get into the Laughing Donkey. What an expensive night that turned out to be.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Dear David - Christmas Countdown

Dear David

I have developed a compulsion for counting down the number of days to Christmas. When will it end?

David Responds

We are hoping on 25 December 2014.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Dear David - Barge

Dear David

I am a rather senior politician but today a man rushed at me from out of the blue and nearly knocked me over.  I got a right fright.  What do you think?

David Responds

Oh dear that must have been awful, did you get a look at the man?  He didn't have a lot of teeth and was smoking a cigarette did he?  Did he say 'how's that for someone rushing your borders?'

If so ... I think I know who it was ... it was Ken Dodd.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Lorraine was alarmed on Good Morning Daybreak TV;
  • Kelly is seeing that lad again - for a few weeks anyway;
  • Renee got a new face; and 
  • Madonna sold £500,000 of her old tat - or treasured personal belongings, as it says in the catalogue;
  • Cherly lost half her people; and
  • the Apprentice lost a couple as well;
  • Beyonce and Jay Z renewed their publicity;
  • Claudia is doing better than Tess;
  • the queen sent her first tweet;
  • the Queen said 'What does lol mean; and
  • David said 'How much! I'm not paying that!'


An important service announcement for Sainsbury's customers ...

... Sainsbury's Winter Spiced lavatory cleaner is now in stock.  Hurry while it is still on the shelves.


At the Patisserie …

The Patisserie was still covered in black decorations and Agatha was busily stacking her shelves.

‘I didn’t like those sly cakes you sold me last week – there was nothing in them’

‘You said you didn’t like currants so I took them out – what were you expecting?’

‘Well … something different’

‘Sly cakes without currents in are are different’

‘I wanted a different different’

‘We don’t do different different – only different - so what can I get you?’

‘Have you got any peach Melbas?’

‘I still only have black ones’

‘Have you got any mince pies’

‘We only have mince pies when we put the Christmas decorations up'

 ‘When's that?'

‘We take these ones down, then put the bonfire night decorations up then we take them down and then we put the Christmas decorations up ... then'

'So you haven't got any now?'


'Not even some little ones'


 'I'll have two black peach Melbas'

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Dear David - Night Out

Dear David

Apparently there are two gentlemen who we both know who wish to partake in the Laughing Donkey experience this Saturday - how will we cope with the likely frivolity that will ensue as we are not used to it?

David Responds

Are you sure they mean us ... I don't think we are known for having frivolity.

I think we did have a bit of an uproarious night a while ago, I'm not sure when it was ... let me think when was it ...

... I remember it was cold, because I said I didn't think you would need a jacket, but you said you did. In the end you went out without a jacket and you said you froze all night stood next to the fruit machines in the doorway of the Laughing Donkey because there was a right draught coming in every time the door opened. And next day you said you could hardly get out of bed because your arthritis was giving you gpy like it hadn't done for ages.

I know when it was ... it was Boxing Day night ... I remember now because the taxi driver said it would be an extra 15 shillings because he was on overtime.

What was your question again ...


You might have seen Miranda doing the interview circuit.

She has a new book out. 

Miranda the series is ending so as a thank you to all her fans she has brought out a book of all the scripts of the shows ...

... the scripts of the shows we have seen ...

... on the DVDs we bought ...

but the book is a thank you ... that we have to buy ....

Thanks Miranda.

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Our Cheryl

Our Cheryl (Fissleton-Twisselton) was having a few issues with in-fighting amongst her four acts last week.

Sunday sorted that one out ...

Monday, 20 October 2014

Dear David - Football

Dear David

I am a goal keeper in a football team (I prefer not to say which one) and after the weekend all my team mates keep calling me butterfingers. I am dead fed up. Can you help?


David Responds

Oh an anonymous letter, I get a lot of these.

I have done a bit of digging and I think I know who you are. You are quite clumsy aren’t you.

To be fair, I don't think it was all your fault, I am not sue of all the rules, but I don't think your own team are supposed to try and get the ball passed you so I'm not surprised you didn't see a couple of them coming.

Next time they call you butterfingers, fight back and mention that to them.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tristan was voted off Strictly - who keeps voting for that Judy;
  • Louis lost two acts on X Factor – the only reason he didn’t lose three was they were only evicting two;
  • As the Bake Off ends –The Apprentice returns;
  • The Apprentice is running all the way to Christmas I don’t think I have time to fit it in all the way to Christmas;
  • Noel (not the old one with the jumpers) decided against doing X Factor;
  • Simon says he is the most eligible bachelor in the world;
  • The one married to Mrs Brown was voted off Strictly;
  • Donny had a funny hair–do on Strictly;
  • Kylie is doing a cover of Bette Davis Eyes;
  • All of a sudden George Clooney is an expert on the repatriation of ancient art works to their countries of origin; 
  • Jude is to be a dad again, with his ex - mother number three child number five; and 
  • Lady Gaga was committed ... no sorry that should be had a commitment ceremony.

Dear David - Letter

Dear David

I recently split up with my boyfriend, but he sent me a letter wanting us to get back together ending it 'love, love will keep us together'.

It was so romantic and original, he has never done anything like this before.  Now i don't know what to do, I am so confused. Please help.

David Responds

I don't usually deal with letters about 'affairs of the heart' much too tricky, but you do seem in a bit of a state  ... I would suggest you check the back catalogue for The Captain and Tennille before you make any decisions.


At the Patisserie …

The Patisserie was covered in black decorations this morning.

‘What’s going on here’ I asked

Agatha was sprinkling flour on her baps … she stopped and looked up.

‘Oh it’s for Halloween, it’s all a bit of a nuisance really, but everyone is doing it these days so we have to do it as well’

‘I’m not sure I like it – what have you done to the cakes?’

‘They are the same as normal, we have just put some black food colouring in the icing’

‘Have you got any peach Melbas?’

‘We have these ones with black icing’

‘Have you not got any with peach colour icing?

‘Have we not got any?’



I tried a different tack ‘Have you got any ├ęclairs?’

‘Only these black ones?’

‘Have you got anything that is its proper colour?’

‘Only these sly cakes’

‘I don’t like raisins’

‘They are currants’

‘I don’t like currants’

‘I can do you some sly cakes without currants in them’

‘I’ll have two’.

Friday, 17 October 2014

Dear David - Community Players

Dear David

The community players are putting on a revival Breakfast at Tiffany's this Christmas and wondered if you would like me to get you some tickets. I am in the production so I can get you a good discount.


David Responds

Oh I like Breakfast at Tiffany's, I might come along.

Hee hee they haven't got you doing the part of Holly Golightly have they ... lol.

Oh you have sent a cast list ... let's see who else I might know is in it ....

... looking down the 'Cast of Players' ... here we are ... oh good lord they have got you doing Holly Golightly.

But Holly Golightly she is a young girl ... a young vibrant girl … she is a …. is a  … a  … well she is a loose woman.

You will never pull that off, I mean how are you going to climb out the window onto the fire escape, you will never manage it ... not with your hip.

Can you not see if they can do something different, what about that one Bette Davis was in ... what was it called ... she had her face covered in flour ... you would be good in that one. 

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Simon Cowell

Apparently now that George Clooney is married Simon Cowell is now the world's most eligible bachelor.

Who knew that for all these years Simon has been in second place.

Prince Harry must be devastated.

Monday, 13 October 2014


Someone in the media remarked that Tess and Claudia were the only successful female presenting double act on TV.

That is something for us to think about ... I know Sue Perkins is.

Saturday, 11 October 2014

Strictly Advice from Dear David

If all you can manage after three weeks one to one intensive training from one of the top dancers in the world is what you did last week - I wouldn't bother with week two.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Greg was the first to leave Strictly;
  • the full line up of X Factor was revealed - just tell me when the final is on;
  • Kerry said she was in no rush to have a baby - goodness it must be weeks since she had one;
  • Cheryl conducted an interview in French - apparently she confirmed she could indeed ride a tandem;
  • Charlene and Albert are having twins;
  • Catherine is joining Dad's Army; 
  • Nancy won the bake-off; and 
  • Mary is getting £500,000 for the next series;
  • Angelina got a Sir Lady Damehoodship; and
  • Malala got a Nobel Prize; 
  • the Clooneys are buying a house in Berkshire;
  • him that chucked Kelly is seeing someone else now;
  • Jeremy said the number plates were just a coincidence - of course they were; and apparently
  • Lewis got a pole at the Russian Grand Prix - what a funny thing to give him.

New MP

On a news report I heard our newly elected MP referring to Farage as his 'new boss'.

I can't quite work this out. 

I think MPs forget;  the tax payer pays their salary and they are elected to represent their constituency.

I am not sure where the concept of 'Farage is my boss' fits in, he isn't even an MP.


… at the Patisserie …
Agatha was shuffling her baps when I arrived this morning
‘Hello’ I said in cheery greeting ‘so no ladders this week?’
‘Oh no thank goodness, I was up and down them like a fiddlers elbow last week’
‘In and out’
‘In and out what?’
‘Like a fiddlers elbow’
‘What is?’
‘Me?’  I don’t play the fiddle’
‘No you said you “were up and down like a fiddlers elbow”, fiddlers elbows go in and out, not up and down. Yo-yos go up and down’
‘My elbows weren’t going in and out’
‘No, I know that … you were going up and down the ladder like a yo-yo’
‘I know, that's what I said ... look I haven’t got all day to chat all day, what do you want?’
‘I’ll have two peach Melbas’.

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Dear David - Oor Wullie

Dear David

Is it true that after the Scottish referendum result, Alex Salmond has banned English people from buying this years Oor Wullie album?

David Responds

No, this isn’t true. Actually I think it is The Broons this year.

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Dear David - Halloween

Dear David

I have some tickets for the community center Halloween Night of Horrors and wondered if you would like to come?


David Responds

Oh hello dear, I haven’t heard from you for ages is it Halloween time already.

I’m not sure about going this year … last year was a bit of a fiasco.

You remember, I said at the time I thought it unlikely that Frank Sinatra would be doing the cabaret, but you were most insistent.

It wasn’t Frank Sinatra doing the cabaret was it … it was Frank’s son Arthur.

I mean, I think it is very clever ... to make a balloon model of a Dachshund while singing ‘My Way’, but it wasn’t quite what I was expecting. I felt very overdressed in black tie.

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Amal married an actor;
  • Kelly chucked another of her lads;
  • Boris took a brick to conference - what a funny thing to do;
  • David said everyone will be given unicorns and rainbows if we elect him next year;
  • Theresa said ‘elect him’ but she really meant ‘elect me’
  • Boris said ‘elect him’ but he really meant ‘elect me’
  • George said ‘what about me … don’t forget me’
  • Cheryl caused a fuss on X Factor about her seats; and
  • Jeremy said 'I wish I'd picked the Corsa now';

    Dear David - Soap

    Dear David

    I was wondering if you could recommend a brand of soap for me?

    David Responds

    Oh … I don’t know, I don’t really do brand endorsements.

    But what about trying Camay, that's nice.  I know Katie Boyle uses it.

    Dear David - Tulisa

    Dear David

    What's happened to Tulisa's lips n brows?

    David Responds

    Oh I'm not sure ...which one is Tulisa ... is she the one that smacked the lavatory attendant over a lollipop, or was that the other one  ... now what's she called these days ... Fissleton-Twistleton, or something like that.

    Oh I know the one you mean now ... let's have a look on catch up TV .... no that isn't Tulisa it is Pete Burns.


    … at the Patisserie …

    Agatha was high up a ladder rooting around on a high shelf when I arrived this morning.

    ‘What you doing up there dear?’

    'I'm looking for our Christmas decorations, I know we had a box of them up here somewhere'.

    While she rummaged around a bit more I couldn't help noticing Agatha has quite thick ankles.

    'Did you know you had a ladder in your tights?' I asked, she muttered something in reply.

    ... 'Oh look I have found a tray of doughnuts I wonder who put these up here’ Agatha blew a cloud of dust off the tray of cakes.

    ‘Would you like some?’ she asked as she climbed down the ladder with the tray.

    ‘err no thanks, I’ll have two peach Melbas.

    Thursday, 2 October 2014

    Dear David - Wonga

    Dear David

    I have seen on the news that Wonga has to write off millions of pounds of bad debt.  Do you know if my bad debt will be written off?


    David Responds

    No it won't.  You are the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

    Mansion Tax

    A footballer was raging against Labour plans to introduce a £2 million mansion tax.  
    As he says it is a disgrace that people who have bettered themselves should be taxed in this way. 
    Quite right – people who have managed to run up and down a field for a few years should have their mansions protected.