Monday, 29 September 2014

Conference

What an interesting Tory conference ...

A delegate being interviewed was asked how he felt about potentially making an accommodation with UKIP.

He said he was ok with it – after all if they could do a deal with the Lib Dems, then why not with UKIP.

Thanks for that – it tells me all I need to know.

Saturday, 27 September 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen was purring like a kitten - apparently, that is what it says here anyway;
  • David got a sudden headache when he was invited round for afternoon tea with the Queen;
  • Martha left the Bake off; and 
  • Jason left Take That;
  • Strictly started; 
  • while some were still singing on X Factor - I think we are up to boot camp;
  • that Declan in Emmerdale might have left; and
  • that Peggy in EastEnders might be back;
  • the one that isn't Cilla is still singing on the telly;
  • Victoria found it necessary to tell us she was a woman;
  • Ed made a speech; 
  • Ed said 'oh I'm sure there was something else I meant to say, now what was it?'; and
  • Ed said 'oh that was it ... the deficit, how could I forget the deficit, what am I like.

Sainsbury's

... at the Patisserie ...

... Agatha was straightening her bloomers when I arrived.

'Hello dearie' she said ... 'How would you like to sample my delights?'

'I beg your pardon'

'My delights, we are doing some specials today' she pointed to a small tray of bite size samples.

'Oh let's have a look ... what are they ... they look like jam doughnuts'

'They are jam doughnuts'

'What's so special about that?'

'I've cut them into small pieces'

'Oh - what's those over there?'

'Eccles cakes'

'They don't look very big'

'They are small Eccles cakes'

'Have you got peach Melbas on special?'

'No'

Miserable old bag.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Dear David - Apology

Dear David

I recently called the Queen a cat, and now I have to apologise, but I am a bit nervous about it.  Can you help?

David Responds

You called the Queen a cat?  That was a funny thing to do.

I wouldn't like to have to apologise to the Queen so I can see why you would be nervous.

Why not make light of it ... say something like ... 'eeeh you will never guess what I said the other day'. 

To show you are sorry, why not take her a small gift, what about a Dundee cake lol.

Maybe not, I don't think the Queen is known for her sense of humour.  Good luck and let me know how you get on.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Lohan

Lyndsay Lohan is over here doing some play or other in the West End, so you might have seen her being interviewed on TV.

She has been living in London for seven months and she was asked how she found it living there.

She said it was lovely, because as we know she was born and raised in New York, so she likes cities, and she loves London because it closes.

So that was it, seven months living in one of the great cities of the world and she likes it because it closes.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Dear David - Decoration

Dear David

A friend of mine told me he was decorating his living room at the weekend. I received an email picture of it today - its lovely but it got me thinking why did I get a scabby picture and not an invite for coffee and a sticky bun?

C

David Responds

Oh how quickly we forget the incident of the cream carpet, the smashed to smithereens crystal glass and the remnants of a bottle of red wine.

Dear David - Supermarket

Dear David

I am the chief executive of a major supermarket but I have just lost £250 million.  I have no idea where it is.  Can you help?

anon

David Responds

Oh that is annoying.

I once lost a £5 note, I looked all over for it and I eventually found it down the back of the sofa.  Have you tried looking down the back of your sofa?

Monday, 22 September 2014

Dear David - Leader

Dear David

I am thinking of taking over a major political party, but I am worried that the current leader will spend all his time sniping and bitching from the side when I take over.  What do you think?

N

David Responds

I think you are right.  Why not write to John Major - see what he says.

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry was 30; 
  • Kerry got married - not sure what number this is;  
  • Katie wasn't Kerry's bridesmaid; 
  • Katie said 'that bridesmaid dress is never a size 8'; 
  • Kerry said 'It is, you have just put on weight' 
  • Kerry was fine when she came round; 
  • Katie called her new baby 'Bunny' 
  • Kerry said 'eeh it's just as well your surname isn't Boiler'; 
  • Andy said he wanted a country he didn't live in to be independent; 
  • Alex packed it in; 
  • Marti is doing Evita; 
  • Kate is still singing on the stage; 
  • Arkwright is making more episodes - well he isn't but the others are; and 
  • Kate left the bake off.

SNP

A Sturgeon following a Salmond ... I think there is something fishy going on.

Apparently the next but one leader of the SNP is Melony Haddock.

Friday, 19 September 2014

Queen's Statement

The Queen has issued a statement from Balmoral

...'Hey you, yes you with the microphone, get off my front drive'.

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Dear David - Name

Dear David

I am thinking of calling my new baby 'Bunny'.  What do you think?

Orange

David Responds

'Bunny' ... that's a funny name.

Let's have a look at your signature ... just checking your surname ... wouldn't it be funny if your name was 'Boiler' lol

... no, not Boiler ... or Warren ... or Rabbit ... oh I could do this all day.

The name seems ok, you might just want to check the size of your baby's ears first though. 

Monday, 15 September 2014

Coupon

A busy day with some DIY purchases.

I bought some brushes, rollers, fillers, masking tape and dust sheets.

And a pleasant surprise at the checkout with a coupon for extra points next time I buy ........... brushes, rollers, fillers. masking tape and dust sheets ....

... which I have just bought ... oh.

Still I can keep it for next year when I do some more decorating .... let's have a look ... valid to 12 October 2014.

Why do they do that ... give you a coupon for something you have just bought.

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Dear David - Title

Dear davi

Which do you think sounds better ... King Alex or President Alex? 

anon (Scotland)

David Responds

First, catch your rabbit.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • The Queen was at Balmoral;
  •  X Factor is going to be on three nights a week – not in my house it isn’t; 
  • lots of politicians couldn’t wait to go to Scotland; 
  • David said ‘eeh isn’t there a lot of country up here – why have we not been here before’; 
  • the Queen was at the Braemar games;
  • the Queen said ‘eeh I might not be able to come here next year; 
  • Kate is having another baby; and
  • Harry opened his Games;
  • George is going to be in Downton; 
  • Alex was thinking .. 'which sounds better ... King Alex or President Alex?';
  • the Sun says it might stop doing Page 3; 
  • the orange one said ‘eeh how my gonna feed me kids; and
  • Gary won celebrity Big Brother.

Sainsbury's

… at the Patisserie …

Agatha was sprinkling flour on her baps ...  'What can I get you this week?' she asked

‘I'd like Princess cake'

‘You want a what cake?'

‘A Princess cake'

‘Princess who?'

‘Not Princess anyone, just a Princess cake'

‘We don’t sell them’

‘Those’

‘What?’

‘Those’

‘What those?’

‘Those cakes’

‘What about them?’

 'You don't sell them'

'I know, I told you that'

'You said you don't sell them, but it should have been you don't sell those'

'I know we don't sell them'

'Those'

Look we don't sell Princess cakes... we sometimes serve them but we don't sell them'.
I wonder what she meant by that?

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Dear David - Autumn Fashion

Dear David

Autumn is nearly here - as usual I'd appreciate your style tips for the next season so I fit in with the beautiful people in the Laughing Donkey. Photograph of me in my current style mode enclosed.

C

David Responds

A fashion question letter, I like fashion questions ...

... and a photograph ... I like these letters ...

... let's have a look ... fishing the photo out of the envelope ...

Oh ... it's you ... is it time for your 'new season fashion letter' already... doesn't time fly.

I did like your look for last autumn\winter, mind you not everyone can carry off a full length Astrakhan coat - and didn't you look warm!

This season we are wearing slim, sharp cut suits in black or navy.

A bit like the suit you wore last year to the ‘Over 60s Halloween buffet and bingo’ at the community centre – only with long trousers. I think you got away with it that night, what with it being Halloween, but I am not sure it would go in the Laughing Donkey.

Oh and I don’t care what you say … Harry Potter was never a prisoner of Astrakhan.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Dream

I had a funny dream.

It was a long rambling dream but briefly I had murdered six people and went on the run.

After a while I gave myself up and was given 36 years in prison.

Prison reception was Block 14 entrance (old Min people will know where that is) and assigned to work in the launderette.

Some people from work came to visit me – and they said some very unkind things about me

You really find out who your friends are when you have murdered six people.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Dear David - Scotland ... again

Dear David

I think my postal vote for the Scottish referendum has got lost. Is there another way I can vote other than by Royal Mail?

Anon

David Responds

Didn’t I have a letter from you about this yesterday?

Just to put your mind at rest, I am sure your detached in the highlands is quite safe, as well as those diamonds your nan left you that you keep in an old OXO tin under your bed (yes I know about your old OXO tin).

Try not to worry about it too much as whichever way the vote goes I think they are going to keep you. Anyway I don’t think you have a vote.

Oh and sorry about that mention of Marie Antoinette, I didn’t mean to give you a turn, it was just my little joke.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Dear David - Scotland

Dear David

I am currently Queen of a country, but I have a feeling that soon they are going to become independent and one day might become a republic.

I have a house in this country and I have just had the front room done, I am concerned in case I have to flee the country if it becomes independent. Also I like to go there for my holidays in August. Can you help, I am very worried.

Anon

David Responds

I’m not sure why you signed your letter ‘anon’ as I think I can work out who you are.

But yes I can see why you are worried, we don’t want a repeat of the Marie Antoinette business do we, lol.

I think you should be ok for a while, even if it is a yes vote it will take a while to get the new arrangements in place. Why don’t you take a few precautions, maybe take a few pictures down and bring them home, roll up a couple of rugs and stick them in the boot of your car, that sort of thing.

As for your holidays why not get a couple of brochures for Wales, have a look round, have you thought of Llanelli?

Saturday, 6 September 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Roger can’t drink Martinis any more; 
  • Kate sold lots of new records … well some new old records; 
  • Jools tripped over a red carpet;
  • Tulisa is going into the jungle for £500,000; 
  • Tulisa said ‘hurrah I’m going into the jungle’; 
  • Tulisa said ‘aww’ when she found out it was the Australian jungle not the Colombian jungle; 
  • Nigella was allowed into America; 
  • Harry is comin up 30; 
  • Chris spent  £2.2 million on a car;
  • Gary said he is quite happy to pay his tax now – aww isn’t that nice, I think I will write to HMRC and tell them I am happy to pay my taxes as well;
  • Barak went for a walk around Stonehenge; 
  • 10 million people saw Iain throw his baked Alaska in the bin; and
  • Janette Krankie left the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Sainsbury's

… at the Patisserie …

Agatha was setting out her goods ...

‘I'd like a medley of meat pies, stacked at least three deep in a variety of flavours in an attractive display’

‘Are you kidding me?’

‘No, I saw it on the bake-off, I’m having people over’

‘We don’t do meat pies’

‘You don’t?’

‘We don’t’

‘You don’t?’

‘We don’t’

‘You don’t do meat pies?’

‘Look are you going to keep this up all day?’

‘So you don’t do meat pies’

‘No’

‘Sausage rolls?’

‘No’

‘Not even little sausage rolls?’

‘No’

‘What about plate pies? You must do a savory mince pies?’

‘No’

‘I’ll have two peach melbas.’

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Dear David - Postman

Dear David

I am a postman and I love my job, but there is a funny customer on my route. He is always standing at the window smiling and waving when I deliver his ‘Trains Monthly’.  I don’t mind as you get all sorts in this job, but the last time I saw him he asked me if I wanted to throw a cup of water in his face. I am very worried.

David Responds

Oh dear ... actually I think I know who you mean, do you deliver round the community center?

I am sure you will be quite safe, but if he asks again I think you should politely decline.

Why don't you see if you can swap your round with a colleague?  Try and get it sorted by Christmas or you might get invited in for Christmas sausage roll.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Dear David - Challenge ... again

Dear David

I do so have friends.

C

David Responds

I have told you this before … the postman is not your friend, he has to put those letters through your letter box.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Dear David - Challenge

Dear David

I was nominated to do the ice bucket challenge by some friends but I failed to complete it in 48 hours - what are the likely consequences?

C

David Responds

Oh hello, you again. I haven’t heard from you for ages, not since I got that injunction – it must have expired.

Let’s have a look at your letter … what are you asking this time …

…. ‘bucket challenge’ … blah blah blah‘

…’set by your friends’ … are you sure?

What 'friends' ... Can you see these 'friends' now?

As for the challenge, I can see your difficulty, weren’t you banned from owning a bucket after that fiasco when you tried to stage a revival of ‘Singing in the Rain’ in the reading room at the library with out the proper authorization?

Why don’t you throw a cup of water in your face and be done with it?