Saturday, 30 August 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Brad and Angelina got married;
  • Jon wasn't there to see the wedding;
  • Manchester United asked if they could start the season again;
  • two people left the Bake off - one beard left and one beard stayed;
  • Nigel got a new friend;
  • David said he wasn't fussed as he had never heard of him anyway;
  • an MP you have never heard of made a dramatic announcement - he said he was 41;
  • all the Strictly people were confirmed;
  • the X Factor people started to appear;
  • Cheryl Twissleton-Fissleton is back on X Factor - has she been on this programme with three names? and 
       Pinkey, bless him, won't be going to Brighton again ...

      Dear David - England Captain

      Dear David

      I have just been made England captain and I am a bit nervous about some of my captain’s duties.

      I don’t like talking in front of large crowds and am worried about making celebration speeches if we win a major international trophy. Do you have any tips to help me?

      anon

      David Responds

      I shouldn’t worry about it too much. Write to me again if it happens.

      Dear David - Football Manager

      Dear David

      I am a rather successful international football manager, but I have started with this new team and they are dead rotten. Do you have any tips for future games?

      anon

      David Responds

      I see you haven’t signed your letter but I think I know who you are.

      Bit of a tricky one, this one …

      … what about turning up 30 minutes before the other side? You might be able to score a couple of goals before they get there.

      Sainsbury's

      At the Patisserie Agatha was all ready and waiting this morning, her shelves packed with ... things.

      ‘What can I get you today’

      ‘May I have six iced buns’

      ‘Oh that’s a lot, are you having a party’

      ‘No, I’m going to do this ‘iced bun challenge’ that every one is doing’

      ‘Oh what’s that?’ asked Agatha

      ‘It’s on the internet apparently, everyone is taking a challenge to eat iced buns’

      ‘Ah, not 'iced bun challenge' I think you mean ‘iced bucket challenge’

      ‘What’s that then?’ I asked

      Agatha explained …

      ‘I’ll have two peach Melbas’.

      Thursday, 28 August 2014

      Dear David - Referendum

      Dear David

      I have a vote in the Scottish referendum and I am trying to make up my mind on how to use it.

      I wondered if you knew what the question on the ballot paper was going to be and who wrote it?

      David Responds

      Oh yes that is coming up soon isn’t it.

      I am not sure of the final wording of the question, but Alex Salmond submitted an early draft which was: 

      ‘Don’t you not think Scotland wouldn’t not be better off if we didn’t not stay with England? (place X against Yes)’

      but I don't think it got through Quality Control.

      I think the final version is  "Should Scotland be an independent country?"

      Wednesday, 27 August 2014

      Dear David – Manchester United … again

      Dear David

      Who are MK Dons?

      David Responds

      I’m not sure, but the sooner Angela Merkel starts the better.

      Tuesday, 26 August 2014

      Dear David - Manchester United

      Dear David

      Is it true Manchester United have just signed Angela Merkel for £60 million?

      David responds

      Yes.

      Monday, 25 August 2014

      Dear David - Night Out

      Dear David

      Isn't about time we organised our Christmas night out in the Laughing Donkey?

      C

      David Responds

      Our Christmas night out?  .. What Christmas night out ...?

      Ah ... oh yes ... that night out ... err yes I forgot about that .. but it has been a while hasn't it ... last year my neighbour was ill at the last minute and the year before my cat fell out of a tree (or was it the other way around?)

      Yes we must have a night out, let me check when Christmas is this year and I will get back to you.

      Saturday, 23 August 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Kerry had her latest hen do; 
      • the Pope said he might retire in a couple of years - soon you won't be able to get moved for popes;
      • David took his blue shirt on holiday to Cornwall again;
      • some people went into the big Brother house; and
      • some people got covered in cold water;
      • Mariah has chucked her husband after he said he had dated that one out of that family that are famous for doing nothing and are never out of the papers but I don't know who they are;
      • Justin shaved his mustache off - I didn't know he had had a mustache;
      • David went for a lads night out with his mates - you wouldn't want to go out with David on a lads night out ... what would you wear ...; and the other
      • David went surfing;
      • Tom is making Mission Impossible 5; and 
      • someone on celebrity Big Brother displayed erratic behavior - how could they tell?

      Dear David - Bucket Challenge

      Dear David

      I am an orange glamour model but no one has nominated me for a bucket challenge. I am very worried, why have I not been nominated?

      David Responds

      You haven't been nominated as we are worried about the effects of washing all your make-up into the water table ... oh and because no one like you.

      Sainsbury's

      ... at the Patisserie ...

      ‘Have you got anything on special for the Bake off?’

      ‘Oh yes’ said Agatha excitedly ‘as it was “biscuit week” we have lots of biscuits on special’

      ‘Biscuit week was the week before’

      ‘It wasn’t’

      ‘It was’

      ‘It wasn’t’

      ‘It was’

      ‘It wasn’t’

      …. (quieter) ‘It was’

      ‘It wasn’t’ (louder)

      ‘I’ll’ have two Florentines’.

      Thursday, 21 August 2014

      Dear David - Cravats ... again

      Dear David

      I saw your response to my question about cravats saying you don't think they are fashionable.  I don't agree, Johnny Depp wears one so I think I can wear one.

      C

      David Responds

      You're not Johnny Depp.

      Wednesday, 20 August 2014

      Dear David - Cravat

      Dear David

      I have seen in the news that cravats are in this season.  Is it true?  I have enclosed a photograph of me in my cravat.

      C

      David Responds

      Oh no, I don't think so. Creepy.  Only David Niven could get away with a cravat, and then it was touch and go.

      But oh ... a photograph ...

      ... I like these letters ...

      ... with photographs in them ...

      ... let's have a look ...

      Ah well ... no, that isn't really a cravat is it, it's a pillow case.  If you are going to wear one, I think you have to buy the proper thing, you can't make one.

      Oh and to your second question ... no, I don't think you should wear a cravat when you are out with your notebook writing down car numbers.

      Tuesday, 19 August 2014

      Dear David - Celebrity Big Brother: Agatha

      Dear David

      Is it true that after Agatha was turned down by Strictly she will be on Celebrity Big Brother?

      David Responds

      Ah well no, Agatha isn’t on Celebrity Big Brother, she did apply for it, but she didn’t get on.

      They said they weren’t interested as she wasn’t a celebrity. That didn’t go down well and she said neither was Judy Murray but she got onto Strictly Come Dancing.

      They pointed out they weren’t doing Strictly Come Dancing and it was up to them who they had on.

      She said that wasn’t fair as she said she was a big celebrity where she came from and if that so called Judy Murray could be a celebrity so could she.

      They wavered a bit said they would interview her … so they asked her what sort of funny quirk she had.

      She said what did they mean ‘funny quirk?’

      They said well … for example … was she a 'lazy good for nothing with a big mouth'?

      She got furious and said ‘who you calling a lazy good for nothing with a big mouth?’

      They said they didn’t say she was a lazy good for nothing with a big mouth, they just asked if she was.

      It all then got a bit unpleasant and they asked her to leave. I think they said they would keep her on file and if Cilla couldn’t do it next time they would give her a call.

      Monday, 18 August 2014

      Dear David - SCD

      Dear david

      Is it true that as Strictly Come Dancing has been going on so long, you now only need to be a parent of a celebrity to be on it?

      David Responds

      Apparently yes.

      Saturday, 16 August 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Philip had breakfast at a Little Chef on the A1; 
      • Frank is now Kellie; 
      • Alex says he is keeping the pound that he borrowed off of George; 
      • Justin pleaded guilty to something or other; 
      • Harry was at the Great British Beer Festival;
      • Harry said 'Is this not the one where they make loads of cakes?'
      • One of the Popes was in one of the Koreas;
      • Gethin joined a dating site - which one was it again?; 
      • Man United banned the use of tablets in their stadium, in case anyone managed to record 10 minutes of dead boring football and made 50p out of selling it to someone;
      • Nigel decided he wanted to take as many Parliamentary expenses as he can to the expenses he takes out of Europe;
      • Gwyneth is dating a new lad;
      • Chris had steak and chips and sausages for tea ...

      and Lauren bless her won't be going to Key Largo again ... 

      Russia

      Russia denied it was trying to smuggle troops into Ukraine in its empty aid trucks.

      Russia said it was very sorry for any distress caused and as a measure of goodwill it said would Ukraine like this nice big wooden horse.

      Sainsbury's

      ... at the Patisserie

      ‘Have you got two large baps ?’

      ‘Yes’

      Thursday, 14 August 2014

      Dear David - Hit

      Dear David

      A rat ran in front of my car tonight and I squashed it dead before I had time to react - will it go to rat heaven?

      David Responds

      Oh dear what a fright.  No, there is no such thing as an animal heaven.

      And sorry, this subject is a bit yucky and not something I normally handle (I prefer letters about biscuits and nice fashion letters).

      I have passed your letter to Denise Robertson she is a bit more ... what's the word ...?   earthy yes that's it, Denise is a bit more earthy and I am sure she will be delighted with your letter.

      Tuesday, 12 August 2014

      Dear David - Resignations

      Dear David

      Is it true that two Tory ministers have resigned recently over matters of principle?

      David Responds

      Well yes and no, the Baroness resigned over a matter of principle, this one resigned over a matter of principal.

      Monday, 11 August 2014

      Dear David - Pound

      Dear David

      I am thinking of setting up a new country and I want to have £Sterling as our currency.
      Unfortunately I am having a bit of trouble getting George to agree.  Can you help? 

      Anon

      David Responds

      I see your letter isn't signed, but I think I know who you are.

      This is a bit of a tricky one as I am not a lawyer and I don't know what the rules are, but I am not sure anyone really know who the pound belongs to. 

      Why don't you just not mention it again and they might forget about it.

      Then in a few months you can probably just use it without asking anyone.  George hardly ever goes to Scotland so he will probably never notice.

      Saturday, 9 August 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • George got wet at Goodwood;
      • Tulisa has a look of Pete Burns about her;
      • Boris said he would quite like to be Prime Minister - well he didn't exactly say that ...:
      • Alex and Alistair had an argument about a pound;
      • Mary is baking cakes on the telly again;
      • Robin isn't doing Strictly this year;
      • Gwyneth had a secret holiday rendezvous in Utah - well it says it was secret here;
      • Harry went to a fairground;
      • Madonna was 56; and
      • Sarah is going to Balmoral to see the Queen - might be a short visit - Philip can't stand her.

      Dear David - Agatha

      Dear David

      Is it true that Agatha has been asked to take part in this years celebtity big brother due to her rising notoriety due to your blog?

      David Responds

      I think this is a bit of a rumour, which started when she applied for the main Bake Off.

      She was doing quite well at a screen test until one of the producers said he didn't think Agatha was 'televisual'.

      Agatha didn't take it very well and asked him what he meant by that. He said it was nothing really he just 'wasn't getting a feeling about her'. And she said I'll give you a feeling in a minute ... right on the end of your nose. And he said there was no need to be like that. And she said how could she not be televisual compared to this lot.

      Then Mary Berry asked what all the noise was and why did she have to put up with some of the riff raff that turned up for her show.

      Then it all got a bit nasty and Agatha was marched out by security.

      So no, I don't think channel 5 will have her.

      Sainsbury's

      When I got to Patisserie this morning it was all decked out in bunting with special displays for the Great British Bake Off.

      'Oh' I said 'I thought you weren't doing anything special for the Bake off?'

      'It wasn't my idea' replied Agatha as she jabbed a doughnut with her piping bag 'the manager said we had to do it.  I told him it didn't make sense' she went on 'the point of the Bake off is to get people baking, we are selling ready made, its not the same'.

      'What did the manager say to that?'

      She shouted out the back 'Margaret, what was it the manager said again when I told him his Bake off idea was stupid?' 

      'Yes that was it ... he said ... "when he wanted my opinion he would ask for it", and "if I spent more time doing as I was asked and kept my trap shut I would get on better". 


      'Oh well never mind, I'll have one of your bake off Swiss roll specials'.

      'Jam or chocolate?'

      'Chocolate.'

      'We've only got Jam.' 

      Friday, 8 August 2014

      T-shirts

      Bit of shopping today and the nice lady behind the counter made conversation about my bulk buy of t-shirts.

      'For the gym', I explained 'they don't last long so I get a few at the same time.  I like these ones as they are plain, I don't like t-shirts with logos on them.

      The nice lady smiled and nodded and said 'My dad's the same'.

      What a bitch.

      Thursday, 7 August 2014

      Dear David - IPA Day

      Dear David

      What is IPA Day?

      David Responds

      IPA Day is a celebration of all things ale.  It has been going a few years it stands for India Pale Ale Day.

      I'm not really an ale drinker myself, actually I don't think I have ever had it, but I think it is a bit like lager only black and sometimes has twigs in it.

      I think they only sell it in the countryside or in tents and to drink it you have to have a beard and own a pair of corduroy trousers.

      Dear David - IPA Day

      Dear David

      As it is IPA day I was thinking of having a beer in the Laughing Donkey.  What do you think?

      David Responds

      Normally I would suggest celebrating it in the traditional manner, by engaging the publican with a hearty 'Good day landlord, a pint of your finest India Pale Ale please'.  But I doubt that would get much reaction in the Laughing Donkey - they are not the brightest behind the bar, (I normally just point at what I want and mouth the required number).  I would try somewhere else.

      Wednesday, 6 August 2014

      Dear David - Boris

      Dear David

      I am thinking of running for PM next year ... oh no sorry I mean MP next year (eeh I always get those two letters the wrong way around).  Have you got any tips for me?

      Boris

      David Responds

      Oh you have sprung this on me a bit sudden, I'm not really sure, I don't think Ken has any other bike schemes planned that you can criticize and then when you see how popular they are claim them as your own.  Leave it with me and I will have an ask around.

      Tuesday, 5 August 2014

      Dear David Urgent Messages

      Dear David Urgent messages

      ... To K in Dorset ... if you continue to do that on a unicycle you will have someone's eye out.

      ... To R (no address supplied) I would leave it 20 minutes and try again see if you can still play the banjo.

      Monday, 4 August 2014

      Closing Ceremony

      You might have seen the closing ceremony (marginally better than the opening ceremony) and much as I enjoyed Ae Fond Kiss, beautifully sung by Karen Matheson, and wouldn't have missed it, what a downer, who's bright idea was that?

      It was a struggle to lift the mood after that and I am not sure they managed it ... 

      ... And Kylie, much as I love you, what were you thinking with that outfit - so wrong.

      I mean you had a nice dress with you, why not wear that for the whole set.  If you need some advice for future events, let me know ... I can give you an address to write to ...

      Saturday, 2 August 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Jamie somebody left Danielle somebody - no idea;
      • Wham! might be having a reunion;
      • Kate jumped over three tins;
      • Harrison is walking unaided again;
      • Orlando had an argument with Justin;
      • Zara went tot he races; and
      • Tom was there as well;
      • and some other people - I don't really do horse races;
      • Ashley photobombed Cherl - whatever that is;
      • him off of Emmerdale that used to be him off of Heartbeat is married to her off of Downton;
      • Mrs Twistleton-Fissleton wore a peplum dress, not a tea dress for X Factor; and 
      • him off of the Virgin Media advert ran in the Commonwealth games.

      Dear David - Yorkshire Day

      Dear David

      I am true Yorkshire and very proud that today is Yorkshire Day.  There must be loads of events and festivals on to mark the day.  Can you give me a guide on the best of them.  I am very excited.

      David Responds

      It was yesterday. 

      Sainsbury's

      Agatha was looking a bit preoccupied this morning. I had a quick look around Patisserie to see if there was a special promotion on … but there was nothing.

      I said ‘I thought you might have been doing a bit of an event … what with the Bake Off starting again this week’.

      As soon as I said it, I remembered, I could have have bit my tongue.

      I got the whole story again of how she had made it to the screen test for Bake Off and how after a bit of  run in about a roulade with one of the producers, they had ‘frog marched her out of the studio’.  She was in full flow, she said 'Mary Berry wasn’t all she was cracked up to be' and it was a bit rich her calling Agatha 'common as muck' because she knew her when she had nowt ... and if 'that other one spent more time baking tarts instead fiddling around with them he would get on better ...'

      There was a brief pause so I took my chance I said ... 'That's a good idea, give me a packet of those jam tarts'.

      Friday, 1 August 2014

      Dear David - Tea Dress

      Dear David

      I have been invited out to an event with some lady friends.  We have all been asked to wear a tea dress, but I don’t really know what they are. I have enclosed a photograph of what I am thinking of wearing.  Can you help?

      David Responds

      Oh how nice I do like social events I am sure you have a lovely time.

      A tea dress or tea gown is worn at home for formal entertaining.  You can wear it without the benefit of a corset and without need of your maid to help you dress.  The dress should have a high collar for afternoon wear.

      This is a bit at odds with your planned occasion, but I think these days a tea dress is a little less formal and more likely to be a light material with a nice print, maybe flowers, or something summery. A modern tea dress also probably has a bit of decolletage rather than a high collar

      Wear your tea dress from 4 o’clock until about 6ish, certainly no later that 7 o’clock.

      Oh and you have sent a photograph .. I like these letters … with photographs in them …

      … let’s have a look …

      …fishing it out of the envelope …

      Ah well … no .. that’s not really a tea dress is it … it is more a … I’m not sure what you would call it ... perhaps a track suit, yes that’s it … a track suit.

      I am sorry dear you can’t really wear that as a tea dress unless your friend is Vicky Pollard.