Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Dear David - Bake Off

Dear David

Is it true that Agatha from Sainsbury's will be on this years Great British Bake Off?

David Responds

Ah well no she isn’t. She did apply and was doing quite well … she made it to the short list.

She went along to the studio and during the screen test one of the producers asked her if she would like to be less miserable for the cameras and she said would he like to have a knuckle sandwich for the cameras. And he said, I was only wanting you to do something interesting with your roulade, and she said ‘I’ll do something interesting with my roulade all right’. Then he said there was no need to be like that and she said she would be anyway she liked.

Then someone called security.

Agatha was a bit vague about what happened next, but I don’t think she is in it anymore.

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Dear David - Great British Bake Off

Dear David

Who will win this year's Great British Bake Off?

David Responds

It is a bit early to tell ... it hasn't even started yet!

Usually the weirdos get voted off first, then the posh ones. 

Sometimes the nice looking lads do ok ... let's have a quick look at the contestant's photos ...

.. oh, we shouldn't be bothered with that too much this time round.

I will give my prediction after the first programme when I have seen how they get on with jam tarts. 

Monday, 28 July 2014

Dear David - Dinosaurs

Dear David

I have just read an article saying that if the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs had hit earth a bit later they might have survived the collision.   Do you know how much later?

David Responds

What a funny question.

No, sorry not exactly, but I think if the asteroid had hit earth of a Wednesday instead of a Monday, things might have ended differently.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Kate is going to Malta;
  • Steven packed in international football - I thought he had packed it in weeks ago;
  • Camilla rode on a bike and sidecar; 
  • Camilla said 'ooh what was the name of those cooks, there were two of them and they were fat and they were ladies, now what were they called again ...  (appols V Wood);
  • The orange one had some marriage advice for Cheryl – that should be interesting; 
  • Evan is the new Paxman; 
  • the CEO at Tesco has been sacked – every little helps; 
  • George was one; 
  • the Queen said she was ‘one’ too; 
  • the Queen’s horse has been taking morphine; 
  • Robert is the highest paid actor in Hollywood – eeh I remember when he went to prison and they said his career was over; 
  • Mrs Twisleton-Fisleton’s husband bought her £10,000 worth of roses – she will never get through all those chocolates, she hardly ever eats; and 
  • some Scottish people put on a show about Scotland in the '70s.


Agatha was sprinkling icing sugar on her doughnuts when I arrived this morning. But I was ready for a fight.

‘I think you made a mistake last week, you overcharged me for your dumplings’.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, you cut three in half and charged me for six’.

‘Oh did I?'  She said as she wiped her hands on her apron.  'Sorry about that, I could give you two finger doughnuts for free to make up for it’.

‘I’d prefer a couple of Peach Melbas ... Can I have a two Peach Melbas?’

‘We haven’t got any’

Miserable old bag.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Dear David - Opening Ceremony

Dear David

I am thinking of hosting an opening ceremony for a major international sporting event. Do you have any advice?

David Responds

Yes, don’t do it like that and spend more than a fiver ...

... oh and short.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Dear David - Vol-au-vent

Dear David

I have made some vol-au-vents for a party, do you think I could serve them as canapés? Photograph enclosed.

David Responds

Not another letter about canapés, what is wrong with everyone?

But oh .. a photograph …

…I like these letters …

… fishing it out of the envelope … let’s have a look …

Ah yes … well .. your vol-au-vent is quite large isn’t it dear … is that your Alsatian standing next to it?

I am not sure you could call that a canapé, it is more a family plate pie for four.

I don’t think you could serve that at a sophisticated event for a few specially invited guests, it is more an ‘everyone dig in’ sort of item. Why not have a barbecue instead?

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Dear David - More Canapes ... again

Dear David

I saw your letter saying chicken legs are not canapés. I don’t agree, by your own definition you can eat them in one or two bites and you don’t need cutlery.

David Responds

A canapé is something you can eat whole (so you don’t need a plate) and in a one or two tiny bites, so unless you are Fred Flintstone you can not eat a chicken leg completely in one bite.

Dear David - More Canapes

Dear David

Are Chicken legs canapés?

David Responds

Look I am not going to go through every item of food confirming whether or not they are canapés. But no, chicken legs are not canapés.

Monday, 21 July 2014

Dear David - Canapes ... again

Dear David

I have been secretly putting Persil on my canapes.  Can you help me?


David Responds

Don't worry, it will come out in the wash.

Dear David - Canapes ... again

Dear David

I read your letter about the difference between a canape and an hors d'oeuvre.  Are pork scratchings canapes?

Davbid Responds

They are not

Dear David - Canapes ... again

Dear David

What is the difference between a canape and an hors d'oeuvre.

David Responds

They are a bit similar, but usually canapes are served while you are standing (mingling) and have an edible base so can be eaten in one or two bites.  Hors d'oeuvres are served as the first course of your meal when you are seated and they are usually eaten with the aid of cutlery. 

Dear David - Canapes

Dear David

I have just held a party but have some leftover canapes.  Any tips on what to do with them?

David Responds

Oh how nice, I do love a party.

... leftover canapes ...I'm not sure, I've never been to a party where there was any left ... what about having another party and serving them as hors d'oeuvres?

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David was watching some football in Brazil;
  • Cheryl got married after dating for only three months - has she been talikng to the orange one?;
  • Cheryl has moved from ‘having a big celebrity wedding’ category to the ‘getting married in secret’ category because she is important now - it says here;
  • Cheryl changed her name to Twislton-Fistleton;
  • Germany won a football game;
  • William packed his job in; and
  • so did Michael;
  • the teachers union leader was seen doing a tap dance in the staffroom; 
  • Chris is eating meat again; 
  • Cheryl is learning French;
  • Cheyl can now say Voulez-Vous un cuppa;
  • Louis isn't buying Doncaster Rovers now.

Dear David - Ailment

Dear David

I have an ailment where (..... details removed Editor).  It is very painful, can you give me some tips to help.

David Responds

Oh dear, that does sound painful.  Rub an onion on it and try not to laugh.


Agatha was still on Patisserie.

‘You haven’t been moved back to Fresh Fish then?’

‘No the manager says I am better off where he can keep an eye on me. Not sure what he meant by that. Anyway I didn’t really like it on there, the fish give you funny looks’.

‘Have you got anything on ‘special’.

‘Yes, I’m pushing my dumplings this week’

‘Oh well, I’ll have four’

‘I’ve only got three’

‘I don’t like uneven numbers’.

‘I could cut them in half and charge you for six?’

‘Oh that’s lovely thank you’

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Dear David - Education Secretary

Dear David

I used to be Education Secretary but now I am not.   I am dead fed up – can you cheer me up a bit?


David Responds

Oh dear, I am sorry that must be a disappointment. (That’s another one, what’s going on?)

How to cheer you up … oh I’m not sure … let me think …. Oh I know …

... At least you have a new job as Chief Whip, that must be exciting …. Oh no, that’s no good we are not having any new laws so there is nothing to do …

... eerrr, what about … at least you still have the Prime Minister as your best friend … Oh no, that’s no good he is the one that sacked you because he thinks you will lose him his job.

Oh I know … what about … oh no that’s no good …

... eerr what about … Ah yes I know at least that lady in the Commons you argued with a few weeks ago got sacked as well … oh no she didn’t did she, she still has her job.

Sorry can’t think of anything.

Dear David - Foreign Secretary

Dear David

I used to be Foreign Secretary but now I am not. I am dead fed up – can you cheer me up a bit?


David Responds

Oh dear, I am sorry that must be a disappointment.

How to cheer you up … oh I’m not sure … let me think …. Oh I know ...  at least you don’t have to stand between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to have your photograph taken anymore.  That must be dead de-motivating.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Next Door

Bit of a mystery with him next door. Not him next door married to her next door, him next door the other way ... that I sent a Christmas card one year to ‘John and Pauline’ but she is called Yvonne and she didn’t speak to him all holidays because she thought he was having an affair … that one.

We were just chatting about the wall and he said something about ‘a woman I have been seeing’.

That caught my attention … I thought I hadn’t seen her around for a while, not that I ever saw her much in the past ...  just her car. They must have split up.

This is going to make it very awkward at Christmas card time.

Some people don’t care if I never sleep.

Monday, 14 July 2014

Dear David - World Cup Final Words ... again

Dear David

That is not what I meant – give me a proper answer.

David Responds

Oh for heavens sake …

... there will be no change to England’s approach to International football. Football mangers are not interested in International competition, the only thing that matters is their team’s position in the Premier league. In the end it is all about the money.

England managers can only play with what they have … and they have players molded to the league approach and motivated by how much money they can make. This is at odds with the philosophy required for national success.

In my a view I think England will struggle to qualify for the next World Cup.

Dear David - World Cup Final Words ... again

Dear David

I wrote to you about England learning anything from Germany winning the World Cup. Your answer wasn’t very long. Give me a proper answer.

David Responds

No. England will learn nothing from Germany winning the World Cup.

Dear David - World Cup Final Words

Dear David

Will England learn anything from Germany winning the World Cup.

David Responds


Sunday, 13 July 2014

Dear David - World Cup Final

Dear David

I've just settled down to watch the World Cup final and realized that I don't want either team to win - what should I do?

David Responds

Yes this is a tricky one - I think that makes you a 'neutral' supporter.  A bit like Switzerland in the Second World war (oh heavens I said I wasn't going to mention the war).

Why not do a bit of research and support the country who ... oh I don't know maybe exports the most alfalfa or the one that has the most cows.

Or what about the one wearing the best outfit?  I think the white ones look quite smart (but they will show every mark).  Having said that I think the blue ones are quite nice, although I am not sure about orange boots with blue socks.

Unfortunately one of them has to win, they are not allowed to have a draw tonight so if you don't want to be up until midnight, best just hope for a few goals and a winner after 90 minutes.

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Charlotte hasn't got any money left and has had to go back to work;
  • him off of Heartbeat is now him off of Emmerdale;
  • David - and a few others - might have to pay a bit more tax;
  • Charles went to Somerset;
  • Charles said ‘it’s a lot drier here than the last time I was here’;
  • Chris packed it in in the Tour de Yorkshire;
  • Harry might be doing another Potter;
  • Justin had to pay $50,000 for throwing an egg; 
  • Theresa wore a dress; 
  • one of the ones off of One Direction had a birthday party for that one off of Little Mix; 
  • David claimed expenses of £0.08p for a box of staples – where can you get a box of staples for £0.08p?; 
  •  the Pope said he wanted Germany to win the World Cup; 
  • the Pope said he wanted Argentina to win the World Cup; 
  • God said – make your minds up, you can’t both have it; 
  • David said ‘I like these public sector strikes, I can pass all sorts of laws when no one is looking; 
  • the Church of England said it wasn’t going to have any more links with Wogan; 
  • Louis is leaving Liverpool and going to Spain; and
  • Louis said he was looking forward to getting his teeth into his new role.

    Dear David Urgent Message

    Dear David has an urgent message for Deidre

    Sorry dear, I have just re read your letter and didn't see the word 'chicken' the first time I read it. I have sent you a recipe for a nice casserole.

    Dear David - Tips

    Dear David

    I have a couple of large breasts, can you give me some advice?


    David Responds

    Get a decent bra.


    Agatha was back on Patisserie this week.

    ‘I thought you had been moved to Fresh Fish?’

    ‘I was there for a few days, but I had a bit of a run in with the manager’.

    ‘Oh what happened?’

    ‘It wasn’t my fault … this woman asked for some battered cod, and I said we didn’t do battered cod, she would have to go to the freezer section and get it from there. Then the woman said that was daft, we should have all the fish together. And I said my counter was 'Fresh Fish' so that didn’t include frozen fish. Then she said did that mean our frozen fish wasn’t fresh. I said of course not, our frozen fish is very fresh. Then she said in that case we should have the battered cod at my counter – she said she wanted battered cod. Then I said I’d batter her if she wasn’t careful. And she said “me and who’s Army”.  And I said I wouldn’t need an army as she was just a little pipsqueak. And she said 'don't you call me a pipsqueak' and then the manager came out wanting to know what all the noise was and I got a right telling off. Then next morning I was back on Patisserie.

    'Oh ... well ... right then, I'll just have my usual'.

    'We haven't got any'.

    Friday, 11 July 2014

    World Cup Final Days

    It is almost time to say a sad farewell to the World Cup, there has been running up and down; kicking the thing into the thing; there have been teeth and shoulders and falling all overs.

    There have been goals and draws … there has even been England – for a couple of hours anyway.

    We still have the final to come ... oh and the game that everyone forgets about - who came third and fourth, but I think this time round we have already worked that one out.

    Enjoy the final and maybe the soaps can get back to being on at the right time on the right day.

    Thursday, 10 July 2014

    Dear David - Urgent Message

    Dear David has an urgent message for Simon ...

    Simon ... when you said you had a problem in the trouser department, I know I said I don't deal with those sorts of letters and that I had passed your query onto Denise Robertson, well I have re read your letter and I now realize you work in John Lewis.  Can you write to me again with your problem and I will see if I can help.

    Wednesday, 9 July 2014

    Dear David- Goalkeeper

    Dear David

    I am a goalkeeper in a South American football team and I had a right nightmare last night. Ever since then people have been calling me ‘butterfingers’, and ‘Cinders’ because I always miss the ball. I am dead fed up, what can I do?


    David Responds

    Oh I think I might know who you are. Yes it was a bit unfortunate wasn’t it, what were you thinking? Still never mind, your friends will soon forget about it.

    In the meantime why don’t you ask if you can run around the pitch a bit instead of being stuck in front of the goal, and maybe ask that one that keeps pushing people out of the way to take your place for a while. That might help.

    Tuesday, 8 July 2014

    Dear David - Collabro

    Dear David

    We are just about to release our debut album.  we are very excited, do you have any tips for our future success?


    David Responds

    Ah yes, I saw your record was about to be released, well done and congratulations.

    For the future, ah well now, I am not sure if it has been explained to you ... if Simon thinks an artist has a long term future (i.e. will make him lots of money for years) he takes his time releasing the first album (see Ella Henderson). But if he thinks you have a short self life ... well the album is in the shops in weeks before the novelty wears off.

    Sorry, as I quite like you, oh you might want to tell the one with the metal in his nose to get rid of it, that might give you a bit longer.

    Collabro new tune out 23 July 2014

    Monday, 7 July 2014

    Dear David - Birthday ... again

    Dear David

    I just wanted to thank you for coming to my birthday party. It was a shame you got that phone call to say your cat had been in an accident and you had to leave so soon. I hope he is all right.

    David Responds

    My cat?  What are you on about?   I haven’t got a … oh my cat …

    … ah yes, no, yes he is fine thank you. Sorry about that I hope you had a lovely time at the rest of your party.

    Saturday, 5 July 2014

    Dear David - French

    Cher David

    Ou est Buttertubs Pass?

    David Respond


    Celebrity Week

    This week's celebrity news:
    • Andy packed up early at Wimbledon;
    • Andy became Scottish again;
    • a few others packed in early as well - what is going on?;
    • Harry wore beach shorts and a woolly hat;
    • the Queen told Philip to send that painting to Cash in the Attic;
    • The Queen named a ship HMS Queen Elizabeth
    • The Queen said – ‘ooh isn’t that funny, that’s my name’; 
    • the Queen had a bottle of champagne to christen the ship;
    • the Queen said 'oh give me that here and I'll put it in my bag, swap it with this bottle of Bells;
    • Andy watched some TV instead of playing at Wimbledon;
    • Andy said ‘is there else nothing on ITV; and
    • David said ‘Scottish independence would break my heart – David you’re not helping.

    Dear David - Doula ... again

    Dear David

    Not doodle …doula.

    David Responds

    Oh sorry, what’s a doula?

    Let’s have a look … where is my dictionary …

    ... flicking through … d … do … dou ... ah yes here it is … doula ... 

    Oh for heavens sake, pull yourself together no you don’t need a doula.

    Grand Depart

    An excited reported on BBC Breakfast this morning telling us about the start of the Tour De France (what a funny place to have it).

    She said there were people there from all over the world to see the 'Grand Depart'.  she said they were from 'ooh all over ... Canada ... the South of England'.

    Goodness that is far and wide.

    Dear David - Doula

    Dear David

    I am expecting a child and I am thinking of having a doula. What do you think?

    David Responds

    Oh no dear, you are having a baby, you don’t have time to do some funny drawings.


    A bit of a surprise on Fresh Fish this morning – Agatha was behind the counter.

    ‘Oh what are you doing there?’

    ‘I’m on staff development.  The manager says I’m going stale on Patisserie and I should take on a new challenge, so they moved me on here. I’m not sure I like it – it smells of fish’.

    ‘Well I suppose it would, but what about Patisserie – who is on there?’

    ‘The manager has put our Margaret on, she normally only does ovens out the back, she isn’t very happy, she had to buy a new lipstick’.

    ‘As I am here, I’ll have a couple of cod steaks’.

    ‘We haven’t got any’.

    Friday, 4 July 2014

    Our Cheryl

    I see our Cheryl is right in the midst of X Factor. She says Simon was right to sack her from US X Factor as she wasn’t well at the time.

    Cheryl pet, you need to let it go, no one remembers you were on US X Factor how ever many years ago it was, and saying you were ‘celebrity unwell’ just makes it look like an excuse.

    Thursday, 3 July 2014

    Dear David - Birthday ... again

    Dear David

    I wrote to you earlier this week (do you remember?) to tell you it was my birthday and about my party. I have tried on my party outfit and I am going to wear my new long trousers. Photograph enclosed, what do you think?

    David Responds

    Oh hello, it’s you. Yes I remember your letter, I hadn’t expected to hear from you quite so soon … how lovely … and ah yes your party …

    … let’s have a look at your photograph …

    … fishing it out of the envelope.

    Yes I see you in your new long trousers, but … you might want to wear a shirt.

    Tuesday, 1 July 2014

    Dear David - Match Fixing

    Dear David

    I have seen in the news that David Cameron has been accused of match fixing in the World Cup. I am shocked, is it true?

    David Responds


    Dear David - Birthday

    Dear David

    I just thought I would write and tell you it is my birthday today. I received some long trousers, a new train, some balloons and a new notebook to write my numbers in. I am having a party, I am very excited.

    David Responds

    Oh happy birthday I hope you have a lovely day.

    How old are you, are you seven or maybe eight?  It doesn’t say in your letter …

    … just having a look through …

    … must have your age in here somewhere … oh that’s a nice drawing of a clown, isn’t he funny. …

    … turning letter over …

    Oh … there’s your age … you’re 47.