Monday, 30 June 2014

Dear David - Music

Dear David

I have just been appointed the first female Master of the Queen’s music. Can you tell me what the job entails?

David Responds

Oh well done and congratulations on your new job.

Not many people know this job exists (I might have had a go at applying myself if I had known) so I have looked into it for you.

I think your main task will be to put the Queen’s CDs in order. She tends to leave them lying around and often misplaces them. It will be quite a job as she gets a lot sent to her for free and she subscribes to Amazon monthly deal where they send you a CD of the month at a 20% discount.

As you can imagine over the course of a year this amounts to quite a few CDs. I think she has nearly 100!

When you put them in order, please do it in alphabetical order – this can be a bit tricky where an artist has solo songs and performs in a group with a different name (for example Blondie and Deborah Harry) – don’t be tempted to keep them altogether – strict alpha order is better in the long run.

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen went to a jail in Belfast with Martin;
  • the Queen said 'eeh I remember when you were in here';
  • the Queen went to the set of Game of Thrones;
  • the Queen said 'I've got a throne you know';
  • Suarez went out for a bite to eat;
  • the Queen was on the Antiques Roadshow;
  • the Queen said to Philip 'Have you got that plate our mam left, she always said it was worth something';
  • Cheryl was at the Sage doing X Factor;
  • some people were still playing football;
  • some English players stopped playing football - ages ago;
  • some people hit a ball over a net; and
  • Blondie did Glastonbury


The news this week covered a just published nutrition report saying we should all cut the amount of sugar in our diet.

There was a food industry 'expert' on hand to give his response, he helpfully said ... really it was about calories in and calories out ... the real response to the report is that people should exercise more.

Not cut the amount of food we eat ... just exercise more so we can eat more food.

He actually kept a straight face when he said it. 


Agatha was putting her fancies on display when I got to the Patisserie this morning.

'Oh don't you look fetching in your little tennis skirt' I said as she handed over my multi-grain sliced.

'Thank you' she replied, she said the manager had decided they would do a Wimbledon special ... what with it being Wimbledon.  She said they had some special cakes - did I want some?

'Oh that sounds exciting'

Agatha bent over to retrieve a tray of iced buns with strawberries on them.

'Goodness your skirt is short isn't it'. I marveled 'And those buns look like the World Cup cakes you were stuck with last week'.

'They are not, they are different ... look ...they have little strawberries on them'.

'What's those red crosses then?'

'Eerrr, they are the lines of the court ... yes ... that's what they are, they represent the lines of the court'.

'The court lines are white - those are red' .

'eerr ... yes ... ah .. but ... well ... yes ... you wouldn't be able to see them if they were white on the white icing would you?'

'No I suppose not'. I wasn't totally convinced but I said I would have four.

Friday, 27 June 2014

Dear David - Fiancee

Dear David

Who has had more fiancees; Kerry Katona or Katie Price?

David Responds

It is too early to say.

Thursday, 26 June 2014

Dear David - Interviewing the Queen

This is a further interview with her Majesty the Queen.

This time I thought I would ask about her fabulous wardrobe.

'Have you got a blue dress?


'Have you got a red dress?


'Have you got a yellow dress?


'Have you got a green dress?


'Have you got a purple dress?


'Have you got a …. check dress?



'I don’t wear check dresses'

'I’ve seen you in a check dress … in Scotland

'That was a kilt'


‘Have you got a blue hat?


‘Have you got a green hat?


‘Have you got a red hat?


‘Have you got a blue hat?

'You have asked me that before'

‘Have you got an … orange hat?


‘Have you got red shoes?

'Is this going to go on all day?'

‘Have you not got red shoes?

'Have I not got red shoes?'


'You haven’t got red shoes?'

‘I have‘

'You just said you hadn’t'

‘I didn’t, I said I hadn’t not got red shoes’

‘So have you got red shoes’


‘You definitely said you hadn’t’

'I didn’t - look I haven’t got time for this, stop asking me questions’.

Dear David - Hair-cut

Dear David

I am going to a party soon and have just had my hair done.  What do you think.  Photograph enclosed.

David Responds

What a coincidence, I am going to a party soon.  Oh you have enclosed a photograph ...

... I like these letters ...

... taking it out of the envelope ...

.. let's have a look ...

Oh .... errr ... you have had a hair-cut haven't you.  Not everyone can get away with a 'short back and sides' especially a woman but it is very ... what's the word? ... nice, yes that's the word ... it is very nice - if a little on the chilly side. 

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Dear David - Interviewing the Queen ... again

I’ve been offered and extra interview with her majesty the queen, well I was in the area.

This time I thought I would ask about all famous people she has met.

‘Have you met Brad Pitt?’


‘Have you met Matt Damon?’


‘Have you met Johnny Depp?’


‘Have you met David Beckham?’

'Yes, I have met famous women as well …'

‘Have you met Barbra Streisand?’


‘Have you met Judy Garland?’


‘Have you met Bette Davis?’

Are you gay'

‘… Have you met Bette Davis?’

'Yes, and I have met Joan Crawford’

‘I wasn’t going to ask if you had met Joan Crawford’. Have you met …. Katie Price’?’

‘Who is Katie Price?’

‘Never mind. Have you met Joey Essex?

‘Who is Joey Essex?’

‘Do you not get ITV2?’

‘Do I not get ITV2?’


‘No … I have met people other than actors, like politicians and other royalty, I’ve met lots of those, why don’t you ask me about them?’

‘Ok … Have you met Prince Charles?’

‘Well yes of course’

‘Have you met … Princess Anne?’

'… ask me about politicians'

‘Have you met … Benjamin Disraeli?’


‘No, I thought you said you have met lots of politicians?’

'He died before I was born. Why not ask me about Tony Blair, I liked him?'

‘Who’s Tony Blair?

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Dear David - Football Captain

Dear David

I am captain of a  ... well lets just call it a football team.  I think this might be my last game so I have run out of excuses for not marrying my girlfriend.  I am very worried.


David Responds

I can see your difficulties, I think you might be stuck with it now.  On the other hand, I think she has been stretching the 'Oh I haven't got time to get married' line for a while now as well.

Dear David - Interviewing the Queen

Your blogger has been offered the chance to interview the Queen.  I thought I would find out what she likes to eat.

'Do you like bread?


'Do you like corn flakes‘?


'Do you like jam?

'What sort of jam'






'I didn’t know you could get plum jam’

'You can.  'Do you like kippers?’


'Do you like sausages?’


'Do you like …. parsnips?’


'Do you … like … chocolate cake?’


'Do you … like … sly cakes?’

'What’s a sly cake?’

'Its like a sweet pastry sandwich filled with currants’

'No, I don’t like currants'

'Do you like Eccles cakes?’

'What’s an Eccles cake?'

'It’s like pastry filled with currants’

'No, I don’t like currants'

'Do you like … Garibaldi biscuits?’

'What are Garibaldi biscuits?'

'They are like flat biscuits filled with currants’

'Stop asking me about currants, you’re obsessed!'

Saturday, 21 June 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Charles ordered some new garters;
  • Camilla had sinusitis; 
  • Camilla said you always wear that hat with the feathers in it when I have a cold;
  • the queen watched some horses;
  • Some footballers played football in Brazil;
  • Felipe got coronated; 
  • Jeremy did his final Newsnight; 
  • Jeremy and Boris rode around on a bike; 
  • Jeremy said ‘Are you sure you know where you are going?’; 
  • Balotetti said he wanted a kiss from the Queen;
  • the Queen said 'nah, you're all right';
  • Coleen said 'ah man wayne, I've just unpacked'; and
  • Coleen said - 'Go and ask them at the desk how much it is to stay on an extra week'.

Dear David - Footballs

Dear David

I am not a great football fan but it seems to me that there are a lot of people chasing a ball. Would they not have more fun playing with two balls?

David Responds

It is a thought, but I am not sure England know what to do with one ball never mind two.


Agatha looked very festive this morning in an England pinafore and England flags in her hair. ‘Oh don’t you look marvelous with your flags and everything, but aren't you a bit late?'

‘The manger says we have to get behind England in the World Cup, so he is making us all wear England outfits … and I’ve made some England iced buns. Do you want some?’

‘Err I’m not sure, what are they exactly?’

Agatha displayed a tray of white iced buns.

‘I am not an expert’ I said ‘but shouldn’t they have crosses on them?’

‘They have got crosses’

‘I mean crosses like plus signs, those crosses are like ‘Xs’.

‘Oh should they? That might explain why I haven’t sold many’

‘Have you got many left?’


‘I’ll take four’.

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Dear David - World Cup Rooney

Dear David

What do you think of Rooney's World Cup?

David Responds

I think she took far too many clothes for two weeks holiday.

Dear David - Birthday ... again

Dear David

I am so pleased you have confirmed you are coming to my birthday party. Please find enclosed an itinerary for the evening. I am so looking forward to it now.


David Responds

Yes … I can hardly wait either.

Oh an itinerary, how unusual … ... fishing it out of the envelope …. Let’s have a look

Oh ….. arrival 5 o’clock , blah blah ... clear registration blah blah … invitation validation scanning down page …. Complete personal information questionnaire blah blah … There are quite a lot of formalities aren’t there?

Now what is this … 17:45 discuss method of transport used to get party … develop presentation on the provision of public transport in the local area since de-regulation in the 1980s. Provide two specific examples of where service has been improved. Flip chart provided. Time 60 minutes.

Fifteen minutes free time before second paper …. To start at 19:00 prompt …

I am not being funny dear, but when you invited me to your birthday party I thought there would be .... music … and drink … maybe some food … and well … people.

I am not sure this is really my sort of party. Why don’t you go on without me and I will pop up at about 9 o’clock and see how you are getting on.

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Dear David - Birthday ...again

Dear David

I got your letter saying you couldn’t come to my birthday party because you were busy that night, but I hadn’t told you when it was. It is a few weeks away on (date removed to prevent Facebook flooding - Editor). I have booked the Barry Manilow Piano Bar in the Laughing Donkey from 5 o’clock so I am sure you can make it.


David Responds

Ah well … yes … no … I had … err … remembered (yes that is what I did .. I remembered) the date from last year when you turned up at my house - uninvited - on your birthday and said you were having your party here, and I had to dash out to Rene’s on the corner to get a bottle of Robinsons and a packet of sausage rolls. What a long night that was.

How did you manage to get the Barry Manilow room dear, they don’t normally let that one out unless you have at least a 100, it might be a bit big for just the two of us.

And there is no heating in the room, it is still off after that incident on May Bank Holiday when Mr ‘clever clogs I’ve been to RADA’ decided to tap dance that tune from ‘Signing in the Rain’ and flooded the place.

Why don’t I just stay in the Snug as usual and I can pop in for a nice chat at some point, or maybe send me through a couple of sandwiches at about 9 o'clock?

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Dear David - Birthday

Dear David

I am having a party to celebrate my birthday in a couple of weeks and I am inviting my friend. I am a bit worried about it though, as my friend seems very accident prone. Last year he couldn’t make it at the last minute because his cat fell down a manhole cover and they had to get the Air Ambulance out, and the year before he was on his way to my party when he was bitten by a mosquito and got malaria.

I was wondering, just in case he can’t make it again this year, if you would like to come?


David Responds

Oh dear your friend does seem to have his fair share of accidents doesn’t he. But err when you say ‘friend’ do you mean that man that stands outside of C&A selling newspapers? I know he speaks to you, but all he says is “47p” so that doesn’t really make him your friend.

Why don’t you make some new friends, pop along to your local library, and have a chat to some of them behind the counter. They have to be nice to you in there and I am sure you will make a new friends very quickly. But not that tall one, I’d give him a miss, he is dead miserable.

Oh and thank you so much for your invitation, but unfortunately I have a previous engagement, I am calling the numbers at the Pine View World Cup Bingo night.

Monday, 16 June 2014

Dear David – World Cup Germany

Germany is a country.  It is near to France.  The people in France think Germany is too near and would like to have it moved a bit further away. 
Germany is not that fussed about France either and would rather Spain was next door so it would be less far to travel to go on holiday.
Germany isn’t famous for its cheeses and bread.  Germany is famous for cold sausages and cabbage.  I don’t like cold sausages and cabbage.  I have never been to Germany.
Germany like playing England in the World Cup as they usually win, except for that time when England beat Germany 5-1, they didn’t like that and hardly ever mention it.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Dear David - World Cup France

France is a country and unlike Brazil it is quite near.

France has a mild climate and some magnificent countryside which makes it lovely.  France is full of French people ... which spoils it.

My favorite Queen of England is Eleanor of Aquitaine which is funny because she was French (well sort of French).  Eleanor of Aquitaine was queen for a long time.  She is now dead.

The French are famous for their Cheeses and for exotic bread. France is not famous for cheese sandwiches which is odd.

Saturday, 14 June 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Melanie chucked Antonio;
  • Jack Pack have been put on a free transfer to Newcastle United- I  am sure that is what I heard on the radio;
  • Boris bought some water cannons; 
  • Michael and Theresa fell out; 
  • Theresa said Michael's handling of a difficult political issue had been poor and ineffective; 
  • Michael said Theresa could do with a good hair conditioner; 
  • Harrison hurt his foot;
  • Harrison said 'That's a stupid place to put a revolving door'; 
  • Daniel got a Sir knighthoodship; 
  • Angelina got an honorary Sir ladyhoodship; and 
  • Damian got an Oboe
  • the Queen got a parade for her birthday; and
  • the Queen said 'Not again, I was hoping for a new umbrella'.

Dear David - World Cup

Dear David

I am really looking forward to the opening ceremony for the World Cup, when does the World Cup start?


David Responds

Oh hello dear, I haven't heard from you for ages, how are you.  Are you settling in all right in the home.  That room they put you in next to the kitchen looks very cosy.  Sorry I haven't been up to see you, we will have to have a catch up, I was only saying the other day ...

... oh hang on  ..  you were asking a question ... what was it again ... oh yes the World Cup.  Sorry dear you missed it - it started on Thursday.

Dear David - World Cup Spain

The planned entry for Dear David World Cup Spain has been deleted following an unfortunate incident last night in 'Juan's Tapas Bar' when I said 'It's only a game'.


There was no sign of Agatha on Patisserie this morning.  A young lady appeared from the back to serve me.

I sort of looked around and asked if the nice lady that is normally here not on?

'Is she "Not on"?  Yes she isn't on, she is off, (don't start that I thought).

'It's just she normally keeps me a multi-grain seeded ... I don't suppose she has left one for me has she?'

'No, sorry'.

'I will have a brown farmhouse then'

'Large or small?'


'We have only got large'.

Pause for a deep breath ... I don't suppose Agatha trained you did she' I asked

'She is my aunty'.

It figures.

Friday, 13 June 2014

Dear David - World Cup - Mexico

I know from my post bag that not everyone is excited by the World Cup, unfortunately it will be everywhere for the next month so Dear David is bringing to you a series of features focusing on the less well known aspects of the countries taking part.

I hope you find the information useful.

Today Dear David is taking you to Mexico …

Mexico is a country, it is quite far away. As in Brazil and Italy (featured earlier) it has trees.

It also has a mouse. It is a funny little mouse who wears a big hat and runs up and down a lot.

He spends a lot of time running away from a coyote … or is that a roadrunner .. I’m not sure … anyway the mouse runs up and down a lot.

It is very hot in Mexico so after running up and down a lot, the little mouse often gets worn out and has to sit down. He sometimes sits under his hat and eats cheese. Or is it a hamburger? I think the Mexican mouse is an American so he might eat a hamburger.

Thursday, 12 June 2014

Dear David - Frump ... again

Dear David

You recently said I was a frump.  Can you give me some style advice on how to brighten myself up a bit?

David Responds

Ah now ... no .. that's not fair.  I never said you were a frump.  I said you were a bit dowdy.  It's not the same.

Let's have another look at that photograph ... where did I put it ... what's it doing on my dart board? ...  oh dear me I get asked some questions. 

Well there isn't a lot to work on is there dear, I mean what is that shawl you have round your shoulders?  It looks like an old blanket, and it seems like quite a hot day .. there on the beach ... so maybe you could loosen your grip on it a bit and take it off your head? 

Look I haven't the space here to go into it all, why don't I send you my free leaflet 'How to make the most of what you have got when you haven't got much'.   Have a read through and have a go at some of my tips.

Do let me know how you get on.

Dear David - Frump

Dear David

I am sure people think I am a frump, what can I do?  Am I a frump?  Photograph enclosed?

David Responds

Oh no, I am sure you are not a frump. What an awful old fashioned thing to think. I am sure you are lovely.

Oh a photograph enclosed …

… I like these letters …with photographs enclosed ...

… Let’s have a look …

… Good Lord .. yes you are a frump ...

... no that is harsh ... not a frump exactly … eerr  …how can I put it ... dowdy … yes, that’s a better word, dowdy. 

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Dear David - World Cup Italy

Dear David

I see that England’s first game in the World Cup is against Italy. Can you tell me something about Italy?

David Responds

Oh yes I noticed that. I know a lot about Italy, I like Italy.

Italy is a country. And it is in Europe. It is shaped like a boot (isn’t that funny … lol).

It has a coast (like Brazil) and has trees. Isn’t that a coincidence Brazil has trees in it as well. (Oh Brazil isn’t in Europe I think I forgot to mention that yesterday).

Now what else do you need to know … oh yes they like Pizza and Piazzas. Isn’t that funny … but don’t order a Piazza in a restaurant or they will give you a funny look!. Oh and don’t say you are going for a walk over a pizza! It must be a laugh a minute in Italy.

Oh and tomatoes, they like tomatoes in Italy. I think they grow them on olive trees.

That is quite a lot to take in I hope it is helpful and adds to your enjoyment of the game.

I have just had a quick look through the Radio Times to see what time it is on (I was checking to make sure they weren’t taking Flog It off for it), but it seems to be on late at night – what a funny time to play football.

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Dear David - World Cup Brazil

Dear David … for the Sports desk

As the World Cup is about to start can you tell me something about Brazil?

David Responds

Well that is more of a geography question than a sports question, but I am happy to reply to all inquiries.

Now let me see … what do I know about Brazil …

Well, it is a country. And I think it has beaches so I think it is on the coast. It is quite big and it has trees … oh and a mountain, it definitely has a mountain.

And coconuts .. no not coconuts exactly … just ordinary nuts, yes it has nuts.

What else … oh yes coffee ‘There’s an awful lot of coffee in Brazil’ I am sure I have heard that somewhere.

Monday, 9 June 2014

Dear David - World Cup

Dear David

I was wondering if you would be providing additional help and advice what with the World Cup starting?

David Responds

Oh yes, I do like this footballing spectacular. I am quite an expert on the subject so please let me have your queries.

If you want my tip for the winner … I quite like the team in the blue outfits, I think it is Italy … or is it France?  Anyway I will be voting for one of the blue ones.

Saturday, 7 June 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Gordon got a new hair-do;
  • Juan thought 'Oh I'm sick of this lark' and packed it in;and
  • Frank thought the same about Chelsea; 
  • Charles said 'you know mam, it's not all bad, look at all the free time he will have now to go fishing';
  • the Queen made a speech;
  • the Queen was nearly late because she couldn't find her crown;
  • Philip said 'Well where were you when you had it last?; 
  • the Queen said 'I know it when I went round to our Camilla's', but I can't remember having it when we got home;
  • the Queen said ... 'Oh wait a minute, ... I remember now .. our Charles took it when I took my coat off ... he said he would look after it';
  • Nick and Vince went for a pint, they didn't invite Nigel;
  • Nigel said 'aaww, I like a pint;
  • Nigel didn’t have a Malteser; 
  • the Orange one said she wasn’t going to get married again – I am not sure there was anyone left to marry; and 
  • the Queen told Philip they didn't haven't got time to go to Duty Free, she wanted to get back for the Derby'.

Dear David - Shoulder

Dear David

I have a pork shoulder do you have any tips?

David Responds

Yes, wear a thick cardigan.

Dear David - Saturday Kitchen

Dear David

I host a rather successful Saturday cookery show and wondered if you had any tips for me?


David Responds

Oh I think I know who you are, I don't think I have any tips for you ...

... oh wait a minute, here is one ... when your chopping onions do it away from the microphone, I could hardly hear myself think this morning ...

... and do do an American accent again, you can't do them  ..

... oh and don't have Bobby Chinn on again, he is dead annoying.

Oh look, I could think of some tips after all.


Agatha was adjusting her bloomers when I arrived at the Patisserie this morning.

While she was packing my order I asked ‘You know the other week when you told me who you were named after … was it really Dorothy L Sayers?’

‘Oh no’, she said ‘that was just my little joke. I was named after the famous Roman general Agapanthus’.

‘Agapanthus wasn’t a famous Roman general’.

‘He was’

‘He wasn’t’

‘He was’

‘He wasn’t’

‘He was’

... ‘He wasn’t’. Agapanthus is a flower’.

‘It isn’t’.

‘It is’.

‘It isn’t’.

‘It is’.

‘It isn’t’.

‘It is’. And anyway Agapanthus is Greek not Roman.

…. I can’t believe I have just had and argument about a Roman general and a flower.

Friday, 6 June 2014

Dear David - Double Negative

Dear David

Don't you not think that double negatives are misleading?  Like when people say they've never won nothing.

David Responds

Oh yes I do agree, double negatives can be a minefield.  And in your example your friend must be delighted because he has won something.

Only the other week there was nearly a stand up fight at the Patisserie in Sainsbury's when the woman in front of me said 'Have you not got any tea cakes'.  Agatha said said 'Yes' and the woman said oh lovely, she would have two.

Agatha said she didn't have any and the woman said she had just said she did have, and Agatha said she hadn't, she had confirmed that she had not got any.

The woman was furious and left in a temper saying some people should make up their minds before they speak. 

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Dear David - Speech ... again

Dear David

I was listening to a speech by this lady yesterday and I fainted when she said she was going to buy some nuclear weapons.

David Responds

I am not surprised, have you seen the price of them.

Dear David - World Cup Ecuador

Dear David

Where is Ecuador?

David Responds

Oh a geography question, I like this type of question.

It is like being on that quiz show that is on of an afternoon … what’s it called again … the one that does it is on that other show, where people laugh (I’ve never laughed at it, but I think some people do) … oh what is it called … it has easy questions and if you get them right you get eliminated (I don’t understand that) … Our Rene was on it, she did ever so well, she came second … it has this big clock and it makes this noise ‘do do do do do dooh’ (I like that) …oh no, that’s Countdown. That’s not really a quiz show, it is more a ‘moving letters around’ show. Anyway our Rene came second on that, I think she got a mug.

No this other show it’s on the BBC … that other one that is in it .. he sits down and wears thick glasses … The Two Ronnies … oh no, that’s not it … that’s the one with the little one in it … and he sits in a chair ... Mastermind! … no, it’s not Mastermind and anyway I don’t think they ask questions in the Two Ronnies.

I wish I could remember the name of the programme …

…oh errr hang on you asked a question .. what was it again … oh yes Ecuador .. I’m not sure, I think it is in Africa or maybe America …. in the middle somewhere …

Why don’t you pop into the library and ask them to show you where it is on an Atlas … not the tall one, don’t ask him, he is dead miserable, see if the lady is in, ask her, she is nice.

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Dear David - Speech

Dear David

I have to deliver a speech today but it looks dead boring, (copy enclosed). Do you think I should throw a couple of jokes in to liven it up a bit? Could you respond by 10:00 in the morning as I have to be out early on.


David Responds

Oh a speech, how lovely. Oh and it is in the envelope … let’s have a look …

… yes it is a bit boring isn’t it … there doesn’t seem much in it … it is hardly worth getting all dressed up for.

Not sure about putting jokes in (especially the one about the actress and the Bishop – it didn’t go down very well at the papal inauguration if you remember).

Oh I have just realised the time, sorry pet I think I have missed you, I hope it went down well.

Monday, 2 June 2014

Dear David - King Juan Carlos

Dear David

I have just seen in the news that King Juan Carlos is abdicating. I have been trying to get my mam to do the same for ages. Have you any ideas on how I can pursue this now that our Juan is leaving?


David Responds

I notice that you haven’t supplied your name, but I think I know who you are. I don’t want to breach client confidentiality so I am sending you my free leaflet ‘How to make your mam abdicate and take up a nice little hobby instead.

Oh you will laugh when you see who is on the stamp!