Saturday, 31 May 2014

Dear David - Laughing Donkey

Dear David

Does the Laughing donkey have a VIP area?  I have enclosed a photograph of me so you will recognize me if it does and I am in there.

David Responds

Yes, there is a VIP area.

Oh a photograph .. I like these letters with photographs ...

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

let's have a look ....

No, there isn't a VIP area.

Dear David - Saturday Kitchen

Dear David

I missed Saturday Kitchen again, what exciting innovative recipe did James make this week?

David Responds

A scone.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Madrid won a cup or something;
  • the orange one's latest ex took a lie detector test;
  • Petro became a President - Petro the President ... I like that;
  • someone off of some US reality programme married some singer;
  • someone off of One Direction had a cigarette;
  • One Direction were in Sunderland;
  • the two events are not connected;
  • Nick has had better weeks;
  • Some people won some semi-finals in Britain’s Got Talent – some of them were even British;
  • The one that sings Barbra Streisand songs in a Northern accent didn’t win in Britain’s Got Talent;
  • Brad got punched in the face – and it wasn’t even by Jennifer;
  • The Lion King was on at St James’s Park;
  • Louis (One D not Walsh) is going to buy Doncaster Rovers – buying a football team what a marvelous way to lose your fortune;and
  • the Orange one has written another autobiography.

Dear David - Yarm

Following the recent declaration of independence by Yarm, Dear David has received a flurry of letters from some worried readers, below is a selection of responses:

Mary from the post office, there is unlikely to be a new international border post outside the Co-op.

Worried GD from Yarm the roll of five pound notes you have hidden in an old OXO tin under your bed will still be legal tender under the new arrangements.

Old Ron your allotment will not be turned into a holding area for people crossing the border from Lancashire, and as far as I know you will still be allowed to grow dahlias.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was putting her macaroons on display when I arrived at the Patisserie this morning.  I said hello and she said 'Eeh I've got that much to do, I'm that stressed.'


'Oh that's what my friend Joan said, she said you get very stressed and working of a Saturday makes you dead miserable.'

'Oh does she now, is she in here'?

'Yes, that's Joan over there, she will be over to be served in a minute'. 

Our little chat this morning didn't seem to cheer Agatha up.

Friday, 30 May 2014

Dear David - Dream

Dear David

Last night I fell asleep while watching Britain's Got Talent.  While I was asleep I dreamt that an internationally famous singing star sang a song with repeated lyrics 'It's my Birthday, It's my Birthday' while wearing a pink romper suit.  What did the dream mean?  I am very worried.

David Responds

You were not dreaming.

Thursday, 29 May 2014

Dear David - Yarm

Dear David

I have just been elected leader of the Yarm Liberation Front for the newly independent town of Yarm. I am thinking of putting in a bid for the 2022 Winter Olympics, what do you think?

G

David Responds

How lovely, it I always nice to be elected leader of a Liberation Font.

Hosting the Olympics is quite an undertaking but I have had a quick look at Yarm (oh aren’t you difficult to find!) and I can see a couple of issues you might have to think about.

You haven’t got any mountains, where you going to put that thing they slide down on those sticks? And you will never get 500,000 visitors a day along the Thirsk road – unless you hold the Olympics in the holidays, the roads should be a bit quieter then.

I would have another think about it if I were you, organising the Olympics takes up a lot of time and you have to write loads of letters. But if you want to go ahead, send for my free leaflet ‘How to Host the Olympics in a small Market Town’.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Yarm

You might have seen Yarm in the news. The Yarm Liberation Front were supporting a referendum on independence from Stocton this week. 

Turnout was a little disappointing but was put down to being held at the same time as a double episode of Emmerdale and the second semi-final of Britain's Got Talent.

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Dear David - Elections

Dear David

I am the leader of a rather popular political party, but at the weekend I lost loads of elections.  I am dead fed up.  Can you help me?  I have enclosed one of the photographs of me from a newspaper so you will know who I am.

N

David Responds

Oh dear how awful for you.

... I like these letters with photographs ...  let's have a look ...

... taking it out of the envelope ...

Oh good heavens you do look sad don't you, I am sure it can't be as bad as all that.

I am not sure I recognize you ... let's have a closer look at your photograph, ... oh yes ... now I see who you are. 

... How to cheer you up ... that's a difficult one ... what about a nice new tie?  I am not sure that yellow one does anything for you ... it drains all your colour, and you haven't much to start with, yes that's  a marvelous idea, treat yourself to a new tie.

Richard III

You might have seen in the news that the friends of Richard III have failed in their attempt to have him buried in York.

Now is the winter of our discontent, 
made glorious summer by this sun of Leicester ...

It doesn't have the same ring somehow ...

Monday, 26 May 2014

Dear David - BBQ

Dear David

I was thinking of inviting all our friends from the Laughing Donkey around for a BBQ - what do you think?

C

David Responds

What do you mean by 'all'?  You do realise that the man behind the bar isn't a friend - he only says hello because he has to? Oh by the way, does the one with the spooky eyes still work there, Iv've not been in for ages.

I am not a great fan of barbecues but please see earlier helpful advice.

Dear David - UKIP

Dear David

If I vote UKIP will they stick to their promise of afternoon kips for everyone?

A

David Responds

Oh that would be nice wouldn't it ... oh hang on a minute ... only if it was optional, and not for shop workers, I would hate Sainsbury's to be closed of an afternoon if I needed an emergency teacake.

I have looked into this for you and I don't think they are offering afternoon naps for all ... that is a disappointment. 

They seem to be more about being part of a European Parliament but not actually going to it.  It is a bit like telling everyone you are going to your Great Aunt Maud's for Christmas but you don't go.

As far as I can make out, I think a voting UKIP means you are not going to your aunt's for Boxing Day tea.

European Elections

I wonder if all the people with shiny new UKIP MEPs this morning realize they don't actually attend EU meetings to represent their constituents they just take their expenses.

Saturday, 24 May 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Harry reviewed a troop of soldiers in camouflage;
  • the major told Harry he had just reviewed a row of trees, the solders were at the other end of the field;  
  • Charles and Camilla went to Canada; 
  • Harry was in Italy;
  • Gaby vowed to pay all the tax she owed - most us us don't have to vow, we just pay it;
  • Rory said he had changed his mind; he didn't want to get married; 
  • the Pope went to see Jordan - I think it is because she got separated again;
  • Charles said Vlad had a look of Hitler about him;  
  • Nigel said 'oh I have done quite well haven't I?;
  • someone told Nigel you get nothing for coming second ... not in this game;
  • Richard isn't going to York after all; and
  • the curator of the Mackintosh building was regretting saying to the student ...'go on then, show me how you can juggle two flame throwers while riding a unicycle'.

Dear David - Saturday Kitchen

Dear David

I always watch Saturday Kitchen but I am so annoyed as I missed it this week.  What exciting innovative dish did James cook this week?

David Responds

Cheese on toast.

Dear David - Sandwiches ... again

Dear David

I did go of a Wednesday and I was very disappointed.  She said she didn't have time to make sandwiches for 100 people as she had 80 doughnuts to fill and arrange and she was being monitored so she had to do them properly.

It was even worse as I took the afternoon off work to make a special trip.  I had to buy 100 meal deals in the end.  Any ideas what I can do with excess hula hoops?

S T

David Responds

Oh dear I am sorry Agatha was busy and you didn't get your sandwiches, but never mind you got your meal deals ...

... what to do with all those hula hoops?  ... I'm not sure, I don't really approve of hula hoops, they are small and make a lot of noise.  Could you not have got some melon segments instead?  I think that would have been much nicer.  Why not pop back and see if you can swap them - but don't go of a Monday, the grumpy one does customer services of a Monday.

Sainsbury's

Agatha was carrying a dozen large sliceds clasped to her bosoms when I arrived this morning.  She put them on the shelves while I had a quick look at the Patisserie.

I said 'What with it being the bank holiday weekend, I'll have a selection of six cream cakes - but no eclairs'.

'I've only got eclairs left' she said ... 'oh and a couple of finger doughnuts.  I could give you two finger doughnuts'.

'No thanks'.

Friday, 23 May 2014

Dear David - Singing Contest ... again

Dear David

I became and international singing star all over Europe the other weekend, but since then nothing has happened. I am dead fed up, can you help?

David Responds

Oh dear, it is always nice when you become an international singing star of a weekend but it must be quite disappointing when nothing else happens.

It has never happened to me so I am not sure what to advise, I have passed your letter onto The Voice, I am sure they will be able to help.

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Blencathra

You might have seen in the news a fund being set up to buy Blencathra and save it for the nation.  For my Southern readers Blencathra is a mountain.

This is a very important fund raising activity, we must save Blencathra for the nation.  Otherwise someone from outside the country will buy it and take it abroad and it will be lost forever.

Dear David - Sandwiches ... again

Dear David

I tried your suggestion about the sandwiches and asked to see that Agatha and mentioned your name.  She said they didn't have any sandwiches.

I don't know why you said she was lovely she was rotten and a right misery.

S T

David Responds

Oh sorry did you go of a Wednesday?  I should have said ... she doesn't do sandwiches of a Wednesday. 

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Dear David - Sandwiches

Dear David

I am arranging a small party and I want to put on some sandwiches.  I have been quoted £329 for 100 sandwiches - do you think that is a good price?

S T

David Responds

How much!  Oh no I think that is far too expensive I am sure I can get you a better deal.  Pop into Sainsbury's and ask for Agatha (she is lovely) and mention my name.   I am sure she will give you a good price.

Oh ... you might want to keep an eye on what she sells you in case a few sandwiches at the back are a bit curled at the edges ...

... oh and if she offers to do you a plate of finger doughnuts ... just say 'No thank you'.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Dear David - Un Decillion

Dear David

I am currently suing New York city for two Un decillion dollars. Have you any ideas on what I can spend the money on if I win.

David Responds

Oh that is a lot of money. That is actually more money than exists on the planet ... so I suppose you could buy anything you want.

But I am not sure you have thought it through. Where are you going to put it all dear? You will never get it in that old OXO tin you keep under your bed.

Why not send for my free leaflet ‘How to spend two un decillion dollars and still know your true friends are’. Actually this leaflet isn’t free it is £5 - you can afford it.

Monday, 19 May 2014

Dear David - E=mc2

Dear David

I have seen in the news that In a demonstration of E=mc2, physicists believe they can create electrons and positrons from colliding photons. I’d like to try that, can you tell me how to do it?

David Responds

This is quite difficult.

The easiest way is to switch a lamp light on at the same time as putting your living room light on (you might need long arms).

The resulting clash of colliding photons will either create enough matter to destabilize the universe or cause a nasty glare on your television set.

Let me know how you get on.

Saturday, 17 May 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the orange one is working out how she can limit the damage to her fortune ... sorry that should read marriage;
  • David closed Parliament because he couldn't think of any new laws to make up;
  • The Queen's baton arrived back in the UK;
  • the Queen said 'I've been looking all over for that';
  • Lily posted some comments about Gary – the words were so poignant, so lyrical, I could feel Dickens almost shedding a little tear at their beauty; 
  • Michael has been spending a fortune on school dinners; 
  • Tony got a new blue plaque for his house;
  • Ashley said 'does anyone want to swap £500 in Brazilian currency;
  • Ricky wore an eye patch;
  • Rio decided he was ready for a new challenge after he was left out of the World Cup squad;
  • Kate had her phone switched off when a friend called; and
    the editor of the News of the World phoned back to say she had just gone to the shops and would call when she got back.

Dear David - Barbecue

Dear David

What with the weather being nice this weekend I was thinking of having a BBQ.  What do you think about going to a BBQs.

David Responds

Well for a start I wouldn't be having anything to do with something that was just initials. 

If you mean a barbecue, I am not over fond of them.  Eating dead animals off an open fire doesn't really appeal.

Why don't you have a nice salad at your barbecue instead.  Or porridge ... why not serve porridge.  I like porridge. 


Dear David - Saturday Kitchen

Dear David

I have been watching Saturday Kitchen for many years.  I love the recipes.  It is very good.  Have you learned anything from the programme.

David Responds

Yes, Michelin star chefs can't cook an omelet.

Sainsbury's


Agatha was arranging her mini batons when I got there this morning. ‘Oh hello’ I said ‘I missed you last week. Were you on a day’s leave?’

‘No, not really. I was on a disciplinary. The manager said I had been arranging the finger doughnuts in …’ she turned round and shouted out the back … ‘Margaret … What was it the manager said about those doughnuts again …

'Oh yes, he said I had been arranging them in “an obscene and inappropriate” manner, and that “I should take some time off to think about my actions”’.

I wonder what she did …

Friday, 16 May 2014

Dear David - Cohorts ... again

Dear David

Recently at work they started nominating people as cohorts. I saw your letter the other day and now I am very worried.

David Responds

I am not surprised.

But I wouldn’t worry too much, I think the word only means a companion as a friend not as a courtesan, you should be all right

Thursday, 15 May 2014

Dear David - Cohorts

Dear David

Is a cohort the same as a courtesan?

David Responds

More or less.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

European Elections

Just received my postal ballot papers for the European elections ... now let's have a look at the candidates ...

Aren't there a lot of parties that only like you if you are ... white, British, (correction, make that Anglo Saxon English) protestant, straight and married.

That only leave poshies and chavs.  I wonder if they realize.

Monday, 12 May 2014

Dear David - Singing Contest

Dear David

I became an internationally famous singing star at the weekend and wondered if you had any grooming advice for me now that I am a proper singing star.

David Responds

Oh how lovely for you, it is always nice to become an international singing star over the weekend.

I think I did see you on the TV, I had just sat down with a cup of tea and a macaroon for Casualty, but I they took it off.

Now let me see … grooming advice … oh I know …

... It might have just been the lighting dear, but from where I was sitting it looked like you had a bit of a ‘five o’clock shadow’ lol.

You might want to have that seen to, there are some lovely bleaching products on the market. Have a wander round Boots and I am sure you will find a nice product.

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Celebrity Week ... Correction

Dear David is issuing an urgent technical correction to 'Celebrity Week' ...

It was reported earlier that Claudia was to be the new Bruce, this is not technically correct.  In fact Tess is to be the new Bruce and Claudia is to be the new Tess.

Dear David - Tax

Dear David

I am a rather well known singer song writer but I have just found out I have to pay a load of tax I thought I had avoided.  I am dead fed up.  Can you help?

anon

David Responds

Not really dear, we all have to pay taxes and most of us don't have fancy ways to avoid it - we just have to pay up.

Why don't you have a word with that nice Simon Cowell and see if he will take you back for the next series of X Factor ... maybe you were a little hasty packing that job in.

Dear David - Fridge

Dear David

I have just heard about a new refrigerators that let you take remote pictures by text so you can see the inside contents of your fridge.  Where can I get one of these fridges?

Dacvid Responds

Get a life.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Gordon got as new hair-do;
  • the orange one is having another baby - she is determined to have two by the same father;
  • No soon have we found out the orange one is with child … the orange one is getting divorced – what is wrong with that woman?;
  • the Dalai Lama went to Norway;
  • the orange one wore a pink jumper that is too big, shorts that are too small and boots that are too large - but not to worry, it was for a formal occasion;
  • Nicole is going to be Grace;
  • Lenny lost three stone; 
  • Charles ordered the Queen to take a bath;
  • Louis is doing X Factor again this year;
  • Harry got a new tattoo (not ‘Prince of Harry’, the other one); and
  • Claudia is the new Bruce.

Sainsbury's

Bit of a tactical error today at the checkout today.  As you know Sainsbury’s only have couple of cashiers on at this time of a Saturday morning.

Two checkouts had queues but the one at the end only had a young couple being served. Marvelous I thought and was straight in and unloading my medium sized trolley onto that nice conveyor belt before I realized the couple were in dispute with the checkout lady.

It was with a sinking heart I then noticed the couple were in ‘office attire’ and they had a trolley load of pre-made sandwiches. The dispute seemed lengthy and increasingly acrimonious. (Who has a workshop of a Saturday was I admit going through my mind – apologies to my non-office working colleagues for being technical).

The source of the dispute was the bill amounting to £329. I shall spare you the detail of the unloading; re-loading trolleys and the counting off of sandwiches, but no matter which way it was counted – the lady cashier was quite adamant that the couple’s estimate that the bill should be £299 was not correct.

Sadly dejected they left having paid £329. I later saw them at Customer Services in further dispute.

As an observation … you don’t get many sandwiches for £329.

Friday, 9 May 2014

Doughnuts ... again

I have been inundated with a request to show evidence of my Krispy Creme doughnut free gift …


Thursday, 8 May 2014

Doughnuts

I have just been approached by a young lady outside Central Station, she said hello and gave me a box of three Krispy Creme doughnuts.  I took the box and said thank you very much and went on my way.  She said something after I left her but couldn't make out what it was.

You know when someone says something but you didn't really hear what they said but you say 'oh yes' anyway ... and how later on you realise what it was they said .. but the moment has passed ... so you just forget about it.

Well I just realised what she said ... it was 'would you hold that for me while I fasten my shoelace'.

Only joking, but she did give me a box of three Krispy Creme Doughnuts ... I've never had Krispy Creme doughnuts before ... 


Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Dear David - Football

Dear David

I am a rather well known footballer, but I got a bit upset at the weekend when we let three goals when the match was almost over. Link below if you want to watch. What can I do to cheer myself up a bit?

David Responds

Oh another one of these electric letter … I am starting to get the hang of them.

Let’s have a look … oh I see …

I’m not really an expert on the subject … but aren’t you supposed to stop them doing that?

Never mind, I have sent you a link to your friend falling over from the week before. I’ve watched it a few times and it still makes me laugh every time. I am sure that will cheer you up.

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • you couldn't get moved for Popes in St Peter's Square;
  • We got two more saints – not sure if saints are celebrities?; 
  • George got engaged - £5 says he doesn’t get married; 
  • Harry chucked Cressida; 
  • Harry went on a stag do in America; 
  • Steven slipped; 
  • Steven said ‘woops-a-daisy’; 
  • Jeremy decided to pack it in at Newsnight; 
  • another Jeremy says he didn’t say something he shouldn’t say; 
  • Jeremy wishes he had said Dip, Dip, Dip; and
  • Michael has a new tune out – almost five years after he died.

Michael Jackson

discussing the new Michael Jackson tune (out for download yesterday) with my lady friend this morning ... 'Ooh' she said, 'how did they do that?  Did he record it before he died?'

That, I concluded and confirmed, was the more likely scenario.

Sainsbury's

It was all peaceful at Patisserie this morning and she was humming a tune.

We chatted over her large bloomers and I said 'you know after all these years I don't know your name.  I'm David'.

She looked a bit uneasy, but she replied 'oh I'm Agatha'.

'Agatha! That's an unusual name.'

'Yes I was named after an old author.'

'Oh, Agatha Christie'?

'No, Dorothy L. Sayers'.

I'm still trying to work that one out. 

Friday, 2 May 2014

Clarkson

Clarkson has been in the news, saying he is really sorry for saying something he didn’t say.  He said he tried really hard not to say the word he didn’t want to say.  And he didn't say it.
 
The think is ... most people don’t have to try not to say the word … they just wouldn’t say it.

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Dear David - Tepid

Dear David

I recently read something using the word 'tepid'.  What does tepid mean?

David Responds

Oh what a lovely old fashioned word.

Let me see, how to describe it.  You know when you have a cup of tea and it is hot, and if you leave it for an hour it goes cold.

Well  ... imagine if you have just sat down to have a cup of tea and there is someone at the door and they won't go away even after you have made it quite clear that you don't discuss politics on the door step with riff raff; and if they don't get off your property immediately you will call a constable. 

And they say that they have a democratic right to canvass opinion in an election campaign and you say you don't care what their democratic rights are, you have a democratic right to chuck a bucket of water over uninvited visitors at your door and they say they would like to see you try it, and you say .... say that again and they will see who won't try it.  and then eventually they go away and you get back to your tea and after taking a sip you realize it is no longer hot.  Well that is tepid. 

Dear David - Egg

Dear David

Can you tell me how to get egg shell out of my hair?

Nigel

David Responds

What a funny question.

Why were you putting egg shell in your hair dear?

Not sure really, but I wouldn't 'shell out' on an expensive shampoo (lol ... I think the modern term is), just rinse gently under tepid water.  Not hot water or you may end up scrambled (lol ... oh I used that modern term again!).