Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Dear David - Popes

Dear David

This week two popes were made saints and two pope were on the telly together.  Can you reissue the interview you did with the pope a while ago.  It was very interesting. 

David responds

Oh yes there have been a lot of popes around this week haven't there.

Please see the link to see my exclusive interview with the newly elected pope.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Search Blog

Have you ever wondered what to do if you get caught in the rain or how to wear a tiara.  Well now I have added a new Search feature to my blog (see top right hand side).

Now you can search for comment and advice on any subject ... well almost any subject.

Oh ... and there is the daily puppy ... 

Dear David - Steven Gerrard

Dear David

I am a rather well known footballer, but I had a bit of a slip at the weekend and I have never heard the end of it since. I have attached a link to a video clip of the incident to let you see what happened. Can you help?

SG

David Responds

Oh dear how unfortunate, I am sorry.

What is this link business … let’s have a look … what do I do? … oh yes I see … that’s it ‘Click’ … what’s happening … oh how very modern …

… now let’s see .. is that you in the red? … ‘oops’ oh yes that’s you. Yes that was a bit of a slip wasn’t it.

But I’m not surprised that grass looks dead slippery. Should you be running around on grass like that?

Oh and who is that man in the blue? Goodness he can run fast can’t he … you will never catch him up … there you see … you didn’t catch him up did you?

Oh!   It has stopped … what's happened, I was enjoying that.

Well never mind, what were you asking again, Oh yes about your little fall.

Maybe you brought it on yourself, running around in the park like that at your age, something like this was bound to happen. Why not take up a different pastime, if you like the outdoors, what about getting an allotment?

Monday, 28 April 2014

Dear David - Holiday

Dear David

I have just got back from holiday and thought you might like to see my sun tan. I have enclosed a couple of photographs, what do you think?

C

David Responds

Oh are you back already, I hope you had a lovely time. And well done on getting a sun tan, I am pleased you finally followed my advice and took your rain coat off on holiday.

And a photograph …

… I like these letters …

… let’s have a look … fishing it out of the envelope …

Ah well yes … you do have a tan, but why is it just one stripe down the center of your body?

Let’s have a look at the other photo … oh I see .. you haven’t taken your overcoat off, just opened the buttons.

Well it is a start I suppose, and the middle of you looks very nice, but maybe next time you will take your coat completely off?

Saturday, 26 April 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Queen had a birthday;
  • the Queen got a 41 gun salute for her birthday;
  • the Queen dropped a tray of eccles cakes when she forgot about the 41 gun salute;
  • the Queen had a tea party for her birthday;
  • the Queen said 'I'm 88 you know';
  • Camila said 'is she alright holding that tea cup?';
  • Charles said 'she is fine;
  • Camilla said 'Are you sure, that rug is dead expensive';
  • David getting sacked was the only thing to happen in the world on Tuesday;
  • Nigel got cross with one of his puppets;
  • Rita said she wasn’t drunk when she got stopped by a policeman;
  • Rita said ‘Aren’t policemen getting younger;
  • Rita said ‘What do you want me to blow in that bag for? Are you chips hot?;
  • Rita had a laugh and tried to get into the boot of her car;
  • Rita said ‘Eeeh what am I like, they will lock me up one day.

Dear David - Manchester United

Dear david

Is it mean to hope Manchester united lose today?

David Responds

No it isn't.  But if they win, beating Norwich is good too. 

Dear David - Bucket List

Dear David

I recently completed a quiz to see how many 'bucket items' I have done, but I only scored three.  Can you give me some help?

David Responds

Oh dear, three isn't very many is it.  I can't give a detailed reply here so let me send you my free leaflet 'How to get more out of life with a ball of wool and a copy of the Radio Times'.

Oh and no sorry, I don't think you can add 'writing a letter' to your list to make it four.

Sainsbury's

I was ready for her this morning …

She opened with ‘I hope you’re not wanting hot cross buns this week, because we have stopped making them after the holiday’.

I had anticipated this and had my rejoinder all prepared. ‘Oh no, I think we have had enough of hot cross buns for a while, may I have four Eccles cakes?’

‘We haven’t got any’.

Rotten old bag.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Dear David - Driving

Dear David

If I was arrested for drunk driving, but I get off on a technicality, does that mean I wasn't drunk at the time of the offense?

anon

David Responds

No, you were still drunk.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Nigel Farage

I see in the news that Nigel Farage's wife is the only person in Europe prepared to work long hours.

To be fair ... if I had to go home to Nigel Farage I would work long hours too.

Dear David - Teacher

Dear David

I have been chosen to help interview my new head teacher at school.  Can you think of any questions I could ask the new teacher?

Sarah aged 5

David Responds

Oh well done ... now a question ... let me think ... oh I know ... why don't you ask them to spell Oswaldtwistle. 

Dear David - Wife

Dear David

I am a rather famous politician and I don’t like foreigners coming over here and taking our jobs. I have just discovered my wife is German and she works for me in the UK. What should I do?

David Responds

Oh dear that is a bit of a pickle isn’t it.

As to what to do, I am not sure. Does your wife know she is over here and does she know she is your wife? If not you might be able to pretend she isn’t here and\or not your wife.

If she won't go along with that, try and find out if she is up for saying words like 'chuck' and 'pet' and 'ehh up'. That might help her blend in a bit.

You might also want to see if you can get her to avoid saying Wille Wonka was washing his whites on Wednesday.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Dear David - Jamaica Inn

Dear David

I watched Jamaica Inn last night; it was dead dreary and I couldn't make head nor tail of what they were saying.  Can you help?

David Responds

Give it up as a bad job and watch EastEnders to cheer yourself up.

Dear David - Football Manager

Dear David

I was a football manager until fairly recently, but now I have lost my job.  Can you explain how a team of footballers who are supposed to be some of the best in the world can forget how to play football in a few weeks?

anon

David Responds

Not really, no.

Monday, 21 April 2014

Dear David - Holiday

Dear David

I just thought I would let you know I am off on holiday to Gran Canaria as I know you worry about me when I don't write to you every day.  I have enclosed some photos of me in my new holiday outfits.  I hope you like them.

C

David Responds

Oh how lovely, a nice spring break in the sunshine.

Let's have a look at your photographs ... I like these letters ...

...Oh ...

.... I know you like to keep well covered on the beach, but I thought we agreed last year that the overcoat was too much, gabardine is quite a heavy material. 

Remember how you got that awful sweat rash, and how the local hospital said they didn't really have ointment that was strong enough to treat you and they had to fly some in from Tenerife. 

That turned out quite expensive didn't it.  Why don't you unfasten a couple of buttons this time?

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • the Pope said we shouldn't gossip;
  • the Pope was wearing that same outfit again;
  • David was on holiday;
  • David wore some rotten shorts that were last worn by Eric Morecambe;
  • David has skinny pasty legs;
  • David could do with some fake tan on his legs; 
  • David got stung by a jellyfish;
  • a boy band that could sing were on Britain's Got Talent;
  • Silvio has to go to old people's homes for a year as punishment;
  • Silvio said could he have a high-vis jacket so he could get out again;
  • Angela went to the palace to get a medal off the Queen; and
  • Antony got a sir knighthoodship as well.

    Dear David - Easter Outfit

    Dear David

    I know you like fashion so I have sent you a photograph of me in my new Easter outfit.  What do you think?

    C

    David Responds

    Oh a letter with a photograph ... I like these letters ....

    ... let's have a look ... fishing it out of the envelope ...

    Oh don't you look lovely in your nice new Easter outfit  ... has there been a sale on somewhere? 

    Sainsbury's

    A visit to Sainsbury's and it was all go on Patisserie.

    She said, 'I've left your loaf on the counter but I can't stop I'm that busy, what with it being Easter, it is ridiculous.  I don't have time for one of our nice little chats this week'.

    I didn't know we had nice little chats.

    Friday, 18 April 2014

    Dear David - Bank Holidays

    Dear David. 

    We face an unusual weekend as it features two Bank Holidays.  I am trying to decide which, if any, evening we should pop out for a couple of quiet drinks.  can you help?

    H

    David Responds

    This is a tricky one, as generally people don't know what to do at Easter.  I try to think of the Bank Holidays as Jet Lag ... just go on with your normal arrangements and in due course you will be back to normal.

    Wednesday, 16 April 2014

    Dear David - Selfie

    Dear David

    I was thinking of taking a 'selfie' ... but when I do it does it become a 'Onesie'?

    the Queen

    David Responds

    No a 'Onesie' is something else.

    Dear David - Hobby ... again

    Dear David

    I don't think your suggestions for hobbies are very good.   Do you have any better ideas?

    C

    David Responds

    Yes well, I am not sure it is entirely my fault … who knew you could get a police caution from knitting.  How is officer Blewit by the way, has that nasty bump on the side of his head gone down yet?

    Have you thought about getting an allotment?   There is a lovely programme just started on BBC2 about how you can make a jar of jam from an allotment.  It is marvelous ...  I can see you doing that …

    Tuesday, 15 April 2014

    Dear David - An Urgent Message

    Dear David ... has an urgent message for C ...

    ... put down the knitting bodkin and move away from the wool shelves.

    Dear David - Post Service

    Dear David

    I am one of your Canadian readers and I have just heard that Canada Mail is scrapping all mail deliveries. What can I do?

    anon (Canada)

    David Responds

    Oh I do like a letter from one of my Canadian readers .. they are all maple leaves ... and .... horses ... and ... mounties and things.

    But how awful for you.  I suggest you write a strongly worded letter of complaint and pop it in the post.

    Monday, 14 April 2014

    Dear David - Hobby

    Dear David

    Now spring is here I've decided to take up a hobby but I'm not sure what to do - you know me better than most - what do you think I should go for?

    C

    David Responds

    Oh not again. We go through this every year.

    While I applaud your desire to take up a new interest, in the past it hasn't been very successful has it?

    Last year there was all that bother with British Rail when you decided to take up train spotting. What was it the judge said …'your fanatical quest to see and write down the numbers of every train in Britain bordered on the bizarre and maniacal …',

    And what else was it he said ... Oh yes …'you are a menace to ordinary decent people going about their daily lawful business'.  That reminds me has the exclusion order expired yet?

    And the year before when you took up brass rubbing, the vicar at St Jude's said he was appalled at the way you obtained a rubbing of the blessed virgin Mary.

    Still you do need something to occupy your time … what about knitting … you can't get into any trouble knitting … can you?

    Saturday, 12 April 2014

    Celebrity Week

    This week's celebrity news:
    • Pinot de Grigio won the national;
    • Kate and William and George are in New Zealand;
    • Kate and William sailed on some boats
    • a Duke had to sell £15 million of art and antiques from his house - it must be nice to have £15 million of art and antiques lying around;
    • Hancock is having some more Half Hours made;
    • the Queen had dinner with Mr Pastry;
    • Hilary got a pair of new shoes - well one new shoe anyway;
    • David said he was spending Easter with his in-laws;
    • David is really spending Easter in Lanzarote;
    • Lee had a night out with Duncan;
    • Kylie isn't doing The Voice again;
    • Lee did a Rita; and 
    • All Saints are going back on tour. 

    Sainsbury's

    Saturday trip to Sainsbury's and arrival at the Patisserie as she was separating a pair of large bloomers.  I had a quick look behind the counter but couldn't see any hot cross buns.

    'Have you not got any hot cross buns?'  I asked

    Have I ... not ...  got any?'

    'Well no, ... I meant have you got any ...'

    'Look ...  before I go and get some, do you want some or not, you couldn't make your mind up last week'

    'Yes, I do'  And off she went, returning with a barrow load of hot cross buns.

    'We have packs of eight and packs of four' she said 'How many do you want?'

    'Six'.

    Thursday, 10 April 2014

    Dear David - Cabinet Minister ... again

    Dear David

    I've had a right rotten week.  I have lost my job, I have 250 Christmas cards with little robins on that I can't use; and now I have just had a lecture on morality as an MP from Nadine Dorries .. of all people.

    I am dead fed up.  Can you help me?

    anon

    David Responds

    Oh dear you have had a bad week haven't you.  Well these things do come in threes (so they say).

    Why not do what Liberace would do ... cry all the way to the bank and count all your money.  That should cheer you up.

    Wednesday, 9 April 2014

    Dear David - Cabinet Minister ... again

    Dear David

    I have 250 Christmas cards with little robins on them. I don't need them anymore, do you want them?

    anon

    David Responds

    No, you're all right you keep them.

    Tuesday, 8 April 2014

    Dear David - Cabinet Minister

    Dear David

    I am a rather successful cabinet minister (better not say which one, but here is a clue ... I am into the arts).  I have just been looking through a brochure of Christmas cards and I think I like one with a robin sitting on a snow covered fence.  Do you think it is too early to order my Departmental Christmas cards?

    name and address withheld

    David Responds

    I wouldn't order them just yet.

    Saturday, 5 April 2014

    Celebrity Week

    This week's celebrity news:
    • Lady Gaga wore some funny shaped pink shoes;
    • Lady Gaga's funny shaped pink shoes didn't look very stable;
    • Lady Gaga fell over;
    • Harry (Prince of .. not One D) went out for chicken and chips; 
    • David has some new under garments; 
    • Nigella can't go to America; 
    • the Queen went to meet the Pope;
    • the Queen said 'find out what he will be wearing so we don't clash;
    • the Pope played the National Anthem when he met the Queen;
    • the Queen said 'I hear that tune in my sleep';
    • the Queen said 'eeeh aren't Popes getting younger';
    • Brucie said he was leaving Strictly;
    • Brucie got sacked from Strictly;
    • Anne said badgers should be gassed;
    • Anne later said she didn't mean all badgers; and
    • Doris was 90

    Mozzarella ... again

    Bit of disappointment on the mozzarella front ... I've just had an email response and the company says they don't do paltry orders of four ounces.   (what do they mean paltry?)

    Oh and Ron, they also said they didn't consider eight ounces to be  a 'bulk order'.

    Mozzarella

    Antonio Carluccio gave a great tip for obtaining the best mozzarella; he said to get fresh mozzarella you should ask your supplier to let you know the day it arrives from Italy and buy it then.

    What a marvelous tip, I have just sent an email to an international importing company that specializes in Italian cheeses with my order for four ounces of mozzarella. I cant wait for the next delivery.

    Dear David - Jordan

    Dear David

    Does Jordan still exist?

    David Responds

    You don't say if you mean the country or the orange celebrity.  If you mean the country; as far as I know it is still there.

    If you mean the rotten celebrity I think she can still be found in WH Smith signing copies of her 40 plus autobiographies, just before they go into the bargain bin. 

    Sainsbury's

    Early morning visit to Sainsbury's and I was just about to leave Specialty bread when she said 'Do you not want no hot cross buns?'

    Hang on I thought ... a double negative, I best clarify. 

    'Do I ... not ... want any hot cross buns'? I asked

    'Yes'

    'eerrr ... 'Yes'

    'How many would you like?'

    'I don't want any .. I just said I didn't'

    'No you didn't, you said you wanted some'

    'No I didn't .. you said "do I not want any" so I said Yes I didn't not want any' I smiled and went to the checkout.

    I could hear her mutter something about how some people don't know what they want and keep changing their minds and they will be the death of her ... I wonder who she meant.

    Thursday, 3 April 2014

    Dear David - Sofa

    Dear David

    As it is nearly Easter should there be sofa adverts on the TV?

    David Responds

    No, you don't need a new sofa for Easter, you only need to buy a new sofa for Christmas.

    Dear David - Stevie Wonder

    Dear David

    Is the song 'My Cherie Amour' by Stevie Wonder about a stalker?

    David Responds

    No it is not

    Tuesday, 1 April 2014

    Fonts

    I was reading an article about fonts and typefaces (I know it is all excitement in the blogger household) and noticed …

    … "discovered that by switching to Garamond, whose thin, elegant strokes were designed by the 16th-century French publisher in the 16th century by Claude Garamond" …

    I don't like to be too pedantic, but when else would a 16th century publisher do anything?

    Dear David - God

    Dear David

    I think I saw God in a bar in Newcastle at the weekend.  Do you think I should have said hello?

    DR

    David Responds

    You letter doesn't say whether God was serving or one of the customers, but what made you think it was God dear?

    Was he wearing a long flowing robe and a beard or was he turning water into wine? (That would come in quite handy in a bar lol).

    As for saying hello, no I don't think that is such a good idea. He seems to get a bit cross quite a lot and then goes around smiting people.  I would stay out of his way if you can.

    Oh by the way, it wasn't in the Laughing Donkey was it?  I am thinking of popping in at the weekend, but I might give it a miss if he is going to be there.