Monday, 31 March 2014

Dear David - Cricket

Dear David

I am Dutch and I was thinking of getting together a cricket team to take on and beat England in a match.  Do you have any tips for me?

David Responds

Holland beat England at cricket ... hee hee, don't be silly. 

Dear David - Urgent Message

Dear David has an urgent message for Joan

Joan love, there is a sand storm heading to the UK from the Sahara desert, you might want to bring your hanging baskets in.

Dear David - Talent Show

Dear David

I am an American judge on a rather successful British singing talent show. I wondered if you had any advice for me?

anon

David Responds 


… 'a rather successful singing talent show' … I am not sure we have a successful British signing talent show … oh no, hang on, I know which one you mean now … and I think I know who you are, I have seen you on my television set. 

Some advice … now let me see … oh yes I have some .. don't try singing Bowie tunes. People like them for his voice not the song so it doesn't work anyone else singing them … and … oh yes I know … don't sing with the contestants when they can sing better than you can.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Dear David - Urgent Announcement

An urgent announcement from Dear David information Services ...

... I have just had a message from Copernicus and he has confirmed that the Universe did not end at one minute past midnight (GMT) last night.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Kelly got engaged to a gladiator;
  • Ant got Decked;
  • George is going to give all pensioners a Lamborghini - how nice;
  • Shane grew a beard;
  • Chris and Gwyneth have consciously uncoupled;
  • the Queen is going to see One Direction;
  • the Queen says she likes the one that stands at the back;
  • Barack met the Pope;
  • NKOTB are having a 30th anniversary party in Vegas;
  • Elton went shopping without his glasses on;
  • Elton wore a track suit to go shopping in LA
  • You would think with all his money Elton would have a nice pair of trousers and shirt to go shopping in LA in;
  • Rita went for a drive in her car; and
  • Rita said 'Good officer evening'.

Nice Lady

You might have seen that nice lady on the news yesterday who had an operation and can now hear for the first time at age 40. 

She lives round the corner from me and it is a lovely story but what I can't work out is how\why does she has a Geordie accent?

Sainsbury's

It was all go in Sainsbury's this morning.  They normally only have two checkouts on of a Saturday morning, but today they had four on.

And on Patisserie, she was having a few words with the one that stocks up the cafe.

I don't know why they do what they do ... the one off of Patisserie puts everything out on the shelves and the other one takes everything off again, puts it in her trolley and takes it to the Cafe ... anyway they were having a dispute.  

Apparently the one off of the cafe normally only has six large bloomers, but today the list asked for eight large bloomers.

And her off of Patisserie said they never got eight bloomers for the cafe, but the other one said it had eight on the list and she had to have them. 

This went on for a while and in the end the one off of the cafe had to admit defeat and left with only six large bloomers.  But she said she was telling Madge.

Sainsbury's

It was all go in Sainsbury's this morning.  They normally only have two checkouts on of a Saturday morning, but today they had four on.

I had to wait while Sandra took over from Chris.  Sandra is the one that looks like her that was married to the next door neighbour in Victor Meldrew, that got sacked off of Have I Got News for You.  The neighbour got sacked not Victor Meldrew ...

... anyway she looks like her.  She never normally speaks, but this morning she asked me if I had any plans for the weekend.  She then went on to tell me she was going out for dinner tomorrow evening.

What a funny time to be going out for dinner ... then the penny dropped.  It must be a Mother's Day treat.

I think I was supposed to say 'oh how lovely, are you going out for Mother's Day'.

But I didn't.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Dear David - Haircut

Dear David

I am male and living in North Korea. I was thinking of having perm, what do you think?

David Responds

I wouldn't.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Dear David - Meaning

Dear David

My partner thinks we should 'consciously uncouple'.  What does it mean?

David Responds

It means you have been chucked.

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Dear David - Conference

Dear David

I was planning on having an International conference at the weekend, but I've just heard my guests aren't coming. I've just made 2,000 sausage rolls, what can I do with them?

VP

David Responds

Oh dear, how disappointing.

I'm not sure what to suggest, have you got a freezer? If so try wrapping them in foil and place in some freezer boxes. They should keep for a few months. But I think you will be fed up with sausage rolls by the time they have gone … lol

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Dear David - Headache

Dear David

I have had a stressful day and a terrible headache. Do you have any remedies?

David Responds

Oh dear, why not bathe your temples in eau de cologne.  That should help.  

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:

  • Christine is at a loose end since she finished Strictly on Ice;
  • Christine did some interviews with Holly;
  • Holly wondered if she was being stalked;
  • William said he wasn't planning on any more babies at the moment;
  • Shane and Liz aren't going out any more - it was three weeks ago how did I miss that!;
  • Liz has a new millionaire - sorry that should say boyfriend;
  • Some people left The Voice;
  • George bought 2 DVDs of his own speech on saving tax payers money - and claimed it back on expenses;
  • George said 'I must listen to my own speeches sometime';
  • Vera was 97;
  • Vera is thinking about bringing out a new album;
  • George said 'I spent hours writing that speech and all anyone talks about is the bingo';
  • Grant said he wished he had never heard of Bingo; and 
  • Kate is doing some live shows. 

Sainsbury's

She was sticking price tags on small sliced when I arrived this morning.

'I won't be a minute, I'll get your loaf when I have finished these'.

I told her I had changed my mind for this morning and was going to give the individual rolls a go this week.  She said she would get some for me but I said it was fine, I could manage.

They are quite tricky to get out of the baskets with those tongs when you are holding a plastic bag aren't they.

I think to say that I 'threw one of her rolls on the floor' is a bit of an exaggeration.  I think I would describe it more of 'sliding off the shelf when I wasn't looking'.

But I do accept it 'bounced and rolled' (quite far actually).

She said to leave it, she would get it later ... she said it with a smile and a 'oh these things happen' ... but I could tell she was livid.  Miserable old bag.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Dear David - Slogan

Dear David

I am a politician and I have come up with a new party slogan ...

...'They are all in it together'.  What do you think?

David Responds 

I think it needs work.

Thursday, 20 March 2014

Dear David - Photograph

Dear David

I know you like to receive photographs of people who read your column, so I thought I would send you an elfie.  I hope you like it.

David Responds

Hee Hee ... I think you mean 'selfie'!

An 'elfie' would be a photograph of a grotesque figure from folklore or nightmares showing an old wizened creature both frightening and somewhat comical.  

Let's have a lok at your photograph ... 

... fishing it out of the envelope ...

...oh ...

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Dear David - Budget

Dear David 

I am a rather senior politician and I am having a budget today.  I was thinking of introducing a law to give posh people money so they can pay for au pairs.  What do you think?

anon 

David Responds

What a marvellous idea, but you might want to work on the presentation a bit ... why not call it ... 'child care help for hard working families'. 

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Dear David - Lottery

Dear David

My boyfriend has just won a lot of money on the lottery. What do you think I should ask him to buy?

anon

David Responds

A marriage certificate.

Monday, 17 March 2014

Dear David - Mercury

Dear David

I am having a 'Spring festival' party at the weekend to celebrate the vernal equinox, but have seen in the news that the planet Mercury has shrunk by nine miles in diameter.  What does it mean?  I am very worried.

David Responds 

I am not sure it is something to worry about, the planet shrinkage has happened over the last four billion years, so I don't think it is something that is going to dramatically change in the near future.  I think your party at the weekend will be unaffected.

Dear David - Schools

Dear David


My son's school recently played an audio clip of the shower scene from Psyco to his class.  My son is now traumatised.  I am very cross, what can I do?

name and address withheld (Editor)

David Responds

Oh dear how awful.  Why not buy your son a budgie to cheer him up.

Saturday, 15 March 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Edward was 50; and
  • Brother Andrew went out on a date;
  • Ray won Strictly on Ice;
  • Niall played football after his hip replacement;
  • Cheryl is definitely doing X Factor this year;
  • Britney is getting married at Graceland; 
  • Anne has been wearing Thora Hird's hat; 
  • Camilla won at Cheltenham; 
  • Camilla wasn't running at Cheltenham she had £1 each way on Laughing Donkey at Cheltenham and won; 
  • Michael said he would rather have a George than a Boris; 
  • Francis has been Poping for a year; and the other one has not been Poping for a year; 
  • William and Kate are in the Maldives; while
  • George is at home.

Sainsbury's

There was no sign of the miserable old bag this morning … so I asked the assistant 'Where's the nice lady that normally serves of a Saturday morning?'

'Oh she is off. She only does 16 hours and her normal day not working is of a Tuesday, but she had to be off today so she came in of Tuesday. Then she changed her mind again and came in extra hours of Wednesday but then she realised she still needed to be off today so she has had to take today off as unpaid'.

'But does that not mean if she came in of Tuesday and she shouldn't have but she did, should she not be due a day off or get paid for not being in today?'

'Oh I don't know, I'll have to ask Margaret'

Margaret came over and we went through it again, the upshot is I think the woman on Specialty bread is due four hours pay for not being in today.

Sometimes I think I am just too useful to the world.

Friday, 14 March 2014

Dear David - Supermarket

Dear David

I own a rather successful supermarket up in the t'North, but we have lost a bit of money recently. I am planning to cut prices like mad, do you have any ideas on what I should reduce?

David Responds

Oh dear I am sorry to hear about your financial troubles you must be very worried. But on a positive note it does mean some nice price cuts for customers.

As to ideas … could you cut £0.10 off of a packet of Gypsy Creams? And if you could do a 'Buy One Get One Free' on Battenbergs it would really help out this weekend.

Dear David - Otters

Dear David

I have seen a lot in the news about Otters. Otters everywhere … otters in cars … otters on the road … otters in restaurants ... otters in the streets. Can you tell me what is going on?

David Responds

Errr … can you sit down for me ... and tell me …. can you see these otters now?

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Dear David - Letters

Dear David 

I am a rather well known public figure and I have just found out my letters can be made public.  What should I do?

HRH anon


David Responds

Oh heavens, I think I once sent you one of my most treasured and secret recipes.  I hope you have my confidential responses to you somewhere safe. 

Quiz

A real question and response on TV quiz programme ...

Question: Name a country with a Pacific coastline.

Answer: Egypt.

awww bless.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Dear David - Bank

Dear David
 
I used to run a rather well know high street bank, but I packed it in as I was dead fed up.  Now it has caused all sorts of problems within the company.  Do you have any advice for what I do now?
 
David Responds
 
Oh good lord I have a drawer full of your tokens, - I was saving up for an espresso maker - they aren't going to be worthless are they?

Internet

An item on the local news this morning telling us it is twenty-five years today since …. 'the Internet was first got up with' …

… so no discernible negative impact on the English language …

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Dear David - Socialising

Dear David

I have been off the social scene over the winter (hasn't it been cold), but now that the weather is becoming a little warmer, I think I might make a return to the occasional social gathering. 

I will re-emerge like a butterfly! 

I have enclosed a recent photograph, do you have any tips to spruce myself up for my return?

D

David Responds

'... re-emerge like a butterfly', I like that. 

Oh and a photograph ... I like these letters with photographs ...

... let's have a look ...

... good lord, what sort of butterfly is that?  Where have you been hibernating for the winter dear?  Albania?

I can't go into detail here, why don't I send you my free leaflet 'How to make the most of what you have, when you haven't got much'.






Russia ... again

In a further development in the Russian invasion of the Ukraine, Britain has decided that rich Russians will not be allowed to shop on Bond Street.
 
Oh it is getting really nasty now.

Pixie Lott

You might have heard Pixie being interviewed on the radio about her new tunes.

She told us that she had just made her acting debut on TV ... how exciting.

For Pixie music came first but acting was something she loved doing and wanted to do more of it. 

She had been a bit nervous as she hadn't acted for ages ... not since she was at school ... Goodness that is a long time ago.

In case you missed it; Pixie plays a part in the latest George Gently.  It starts where she is lying murdered on the beach.  As she said in the interview ... at least she didn't have any lines to learn ...

...oh dear ...

Saturday, 8 March 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Wayne said he hadn't had botox;
  • Dougie said he was going out with Ellie
  • Ellen took a photograph; 
  • some people won some Oscars; 
  • Jennifer fell over at the Oscars - again; 
  • Jennifer needs to get some flat shoes; 
  • Susannah left BBC Breakfast for the same programme on ITV - not sure that is such a good idea; 
  • Darren isn't going out with Amy;
  • Gabby thinks Andy is dead miserable;
  • Gabby forgets Andy is a sportsman not a celebrity and he can be as miserable as he likes he doesn't have to be cheerful just because she says so;
  • Gabby could go and bother someone else if she only wants to talk to cheerful people - and the ones she was bothering might be less miserable after she slings her hook;
  • Elizabeth was 208; and 
  • Harry got a new car; a Toyota Cressida. 

Trip

Bumped into him next door this morning.  Not him next door married to her next door ... him next door the other way.  The one I sent a Christmas card to a few years ago to 'John and Pauline', but his wife is called Yvonne and she got mad because she thought he was having an affair and didn't speak to him for a fortnight ... that one ...

... he said they were off to Glasgow for the weekend ... to see Michael Buble ... he didn't look excited.

Sainsbury's

Spring has arrived at Sainsbury's.

She was all bustle and humming a cheery tune.

The shelves were fully stacked with all items on display.

My multi-grain sliced was on the counter waiting and she said she had a wide range of tempting delights for afternoon tea … I only had to choose …

'Can I have six jam tarts'

'We haven't got any'

... and in a further sign of spring, the old bag that examines all the carrots before she decides which two she is going to buy has moved from her full legth red coat to pale blue short padded jacket.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Dear David - Gym

Dear David

When I am at the gym and have my headphones on, if someone want to get my attention or ask me something, they whisper.  Why do they do that?

David Responds

Beats me.

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Russia

I notice Britain has responded to the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

We have decided we won't go to a meeting about the G8 next week.

That will teach them Russkies!

Dear David - Historian

Dear David

I am a feminist historian, and well known for doing programmes on TV about historical things, but I wondered I you had any advice for me?

MB

David Responds

You are not Mary Berry are you … oh no, I think I know who you are now ... 


...  advice … well now let me see …

Oh I know ... get a haircut, deep conditioner and a colour.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Dear David - Manifold

Dear David
As you know I was very keen to get a new manifold.  I have sent you lots of letters about it in the past but you don't seem to have published any of them … did you receive them?

I just thought I would let you know I have now received my new manifold.  Do you have any advice for how to use it?

R

David Responds

Oh … err yes sorry I did receive your letters, (there were quite a lot of them weren't there!). But errr sorry, I can't print all the letters I receive, there just isn't the space - I am sure you understand.

Now to your manifold, I am very pleased that you now have it, it does seem to have taken a long time to arrive doesn't it, I am so pleased it has arrived safely.  I am sure you are very excited.

Have you tried it on yet, I am sure it looks very nice. Do let me know when you wear to your next social engagement, I am sure all your friends will love it and gasp in admiration.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Dear David - Football Manager

Dear David

I am the manager of a rather successful football team ... well quite successful football team, bbut I had a bit of an incident yesterday.  Can you help?

anon

David Responds

Oh yes I think I know who you are, I think I saw you on the news.

Have you gone mad?  that lad was dead big and you are no spring chicken, you could have got a right thumping.

Next time if someone does something you don't like, why don't you tap them gently on the shoulder and say 'excuse me, would you mind awfully not doing that'. 

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Martine got a new hair colour;
  • Kate thinks she might need a nanny; 
  • Fran and Tom went skiing on a dry slop - no I've no idea either;
  • Rebecca had her nose done; 
  • Charles got a new sailor's hat - not a hat belonging to a new sailor … a new hat belonging to a sailor; 
  • Cheryl said she would do X Factor again, so long as she is the only woman on the panel - she didn't say if she would do it if an old bag was on the panel; 
  • Katy chucked her lad - I think he said something about how she was rubbish singing live;
  • Dolly is doing Glastonbury; and
  • Angela went to see the Queen; 
  • the Queen said 'my Grandmother was German you know'.

Dear David - President

Dear David

I used to the a rather successful President of a nice European country, but I recently ... eerrr .. changed my job.  Do you have any lifestyle advice for me? 

name and address not supplied

David Responds 

Yes, learn Russian

Sainsbury's

She had my sliced multi-grain ready for me this morning.

She said 'I'm pushing my buns this morning'

'Oh good for you' I said, 'you could stand to lose a few pounds'

'I meant my Hot Cross Buns'

'Oh, ... sorry ...