Thursday, 27 February 2014

Dear David - Snow

Dear David

I've seen on the news that the South is going to get a lot of snow this weekend. I'm dead fed up with all this bad weather. Is this the wrath of God because of the g?

David Responds

I don't think so. I have had a quick look through the bible and can't find any mention of snow. The God seems more in favour of rain or locusts when He is in a bad mood.

Have you seen more locusts around than usual?

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Dear David - Pound

Dear David

I noticed the Prime Minister was up in Scotland the other day, he hardly ever comes here. Do you know what he wanted?

David Responds

I'm not really sure, I think he pops up to Scotland now and again to see his friend Alex. 


I wasn't really listening to the news, but I think they said Alex wanted to borrow a pound off David, but David said he couldn't spare one. Then Alex said he could keep his rotten pound as he didn't want it anyway.

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Dear David - Urgent Message

An urgent Dear David message for Joan …

… it is probably too late to let you know, but there was a large meteor crashed into the moon yesterday. I think your hanging baskets should be ok, but you might want to check.

Dear David - Floods

Dear David

Up to last week there was a lot on the news about how the gays had caused all the floods in the South. I notice there is nothing on the news about it anymore. What has happened? Have the gays moved on to somewhere else?

David Responds

We went through all this at the time, there is little evidence to show that the gays are creating a lot of rain, I think it is more to do with storms in the Atlantic ocean.

I think the main reason it is not on the news anymore is that David Cameron is a bit bored with it now and he has decided he needs to do something about keeping Scotland.

Saturday, 22 February 2014

Cardinals

Noticed on the news the Pope has created 19 new Cardinals ... no women I see.

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Ant hurt his finger; 
  • some people won BAFTAs; and 
  • some people won some Brits - I must find out who all these people are;
  • one of the ones on one direction has still hurt his leg;
  • Robin was in Venice; 
  • Rebekah wore a scalloped dress;
  • Rebekah got a bit tearful when she realised she was too old to wear a scolloped dress;
  • Rebekah said just because she was editor of her newspaper, it did not mean she had any idea what was going on in the newsroom;
  • Wayne is getting paid £300,000 a week to not score any goals; although
  • Wayne's boss said if he could manage a couple of goals now and then it would be very nice;
  • Katy was 50 minutes late for the cat walk in Milan;
  • Chris became a second hand car dealer - who knew;
  • Anne said we should beat the housing crisis by building some nice little houses in some villages;
  • Anne lives in 700 acres in Gloucestershire;
  • Anne could get a few semis and a block of flats in Gatcombe Park if she was that bothered; and
  • Benedict wore some glasses.

Sainsbury's

She was in chirpy mood this morning setting out her products.  'Oh' she said, when she saw me 'you look a lot better than you did last week, you looked like death warmed up last week.

'Thanks'  

She went onto tell me their Margaret had had a terrible cough with her cold, hacked her guts up she did.  'Did you have that cough?'

'Not exactly no, thank you. 

'That's nice, I kept you a deep filled mince if you want it'

And some good news on the Chelsea bun front, after weeks of absence they are back on the shelves.  I might have a proper afternoon tea today after all. 

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Dear David - Olympics

Dear David 

Since the Olympics I have become really interested in curling.  Can you help me?

David responds

No, not really.

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Dear David - Great British Sewing Bee

Dear David

I have noticed the Great British Sewing Bee is back on TV this week. I am very excited.

Last year I made an apron and sent it to you as a gift. What do you think I should learn to make this year?

Ethel

David Responds

An apron.

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David had a day out wearing a yellow fluorescent jacket; 
  • Donald is getting a new wind farm - oh how exciting;
  • David said 'oh heck I better do something' when someone pointed out most of the flood victims are Southern Tory voters;
  • Nicole isn't' doing any more X Factor; 
  • David has been giving out blank cheques;  
  • David won't give Alex a pound;
  • David said everyone could have a free sandbag;
  • the Queen gave some hay as emergency bedding to some people;
  • Simon had a baby boy;
  • Davina has finished running up and down the country;
  • Davina looked like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards; and 
  • the Good Ship Lollipop will have to sail without Shirley. 

Sainsbury's

Sainsbury's was a struggle this morning as I'm not well.  And I definitely wasn't in the mood for her.

'God you look rough' she opened with

'Thanks'

'And croaky, yes very croaky'

'Thanks'

'Have you got this cold that's going round?'

'Yes'

'Our Margaret had that, she said it was one of the worst colds she has ever had. Is your cold bad?'

'Yes'

'Our Margaret said she was just starting to feel a bit better when it came back in a second wave.  She said the second wave was awful ... she said it was worse than the first wave ...  she said it picked her up and threw her back to back to earth wracked in agony ... oooh she said it was awful.  Have you had the second wave yet?'

'No'

'Oh'.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Dear David - Shia LeBeouf?

Dear David

What is Shia LeBeouf?

David Responds

Oh I don't often get cookery questions, how lovely for a change.

Shia LeBeouf is a beef steak cooked in a nice sauce.

Dear David - Tattoo

Dear David

Now that I have reached the age of 35 I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. What do you think? Photograph enclosed.

C

David Responds

35? Are you sure dear, I think we have had this conversation before, you are never 35. I can definitely place you Doris Day's 40th birthday party and that was years ago.

But still … to your question … oh and a photograph … I like these letters … let's have a look …

Errr .. oh you are thin aren't you dear … what sort of tattoo were you thinking of having? I am not sure there is much space for anything grand. You won't be wanting a battleship will you! lol (I think that is the new modern term to let you know I am laughing with you).

Seriously though, now let's think what could you put in that space … I know … what about a butterfly … a very small butterfly.

Or a flower … well not a whole flower like a chrysanthemum, maybe just a petal.

Why don't I send you my free leaflet 'Choosing a tattoo to fit your body when you haven't much space'.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Dear David - Diphthongs

Dear David

Someone recently said my diphthongs were quite pronounced. What does that mean. I know you like letters with photographs so I have included one of me in my summer bikini.

David Responds

Your diphthongs …?

... Let's have a look at your photograph …

... goodness yes ...  they are quite pronounced aren't they.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Lady Gaga

I don't often comment on music, but I notice La Ga Ga has a new tune out. 

Another one of her catchy tunes with some racy lyrics ... 'Do what you want with my body'.  (you are singing it now aren't you?), she asks.

Well after her recent performance on X Factor in bra and pants, here is a suggestion ... how about covering it up with a nice dress?

Monday, 10 February 2014

Dear David - The Laughing Donkey

Dear David

I think I saw you in the Laughing Donkey at the weekend. I tried to get your attention, but I don't think you saw me. I wanted to know what you thought of my new outfit. I bought it especially for the winter Olympics, I have sent you a photograph.

C

David Responds

Oh was that you dear, I thought I noticed someone waving and pressing their face against the window in the snug. I didn't realise it was you.

I hope you had a lovely evening. Oh and a photograph … I like these letters with photographs … let's have a look …

… Good Lord … what have you got on dear … it is very 'Soviet' isn't it … very … errr .. 'cold war'.

Still it does look nice and warm … and quite long, there won't be many draughts round your ankles will there!

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Joe won the Jump - hasn't he won a lot of these things!;
  • Joan did her one woman stage show; 
  • Joan is going to be in Benidorm;
  • the Queen is off to meet the Pope in April; 
  • Simon is doing X Factor again;
  • Charles went to Somerset and said 'Something must be done' - I think I have heard that one before;
  • Charlie's novel was published; 
  • Liam went for a jog in some nice new bright trainers;
  • Liz didn't have an affair with Bill; 
  • David had a day out in somerset; and
  • David said 'oh isn't it lovely, I didn't realise the beach came so far inland.

Dear David - Skinny Jeans

Dear David

Today I saw a man wearing skinny jeans and it didn't look right.  Should straight men wear skinny jeans?

David Responds

I am not sure straight\gay is the right determining factor for this one.  I think age should decide it in that no one over age 19 should wear skinny jeans.

With the possible exception of musicians (straight or gay) of any age, but they also have to be unshaven, wear a ratty old overcoat and carry a guitar.

Sainsbury's

She was singing along with the radio when I got there this morning.

'Oh that's a pretty tune'

'It's Gilbert and Sullivan' she informed me.

'I don't think it is - not on Metro Radio' I disagreed.

But she was most insistent that it was.

You know me ...I'm not one to argue so I left it.  But I am quite sure I am right, I have no recollection of Gilbert and Sullivan ever making any mention of 'two frozen peas'.

Still all was good as she had my multi grain sliced at the ready.

And more good news with a 42p off coupon off my next shop - it has been a funny week for coupons.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

Dear David - Coupons

Dear David
 
I recently bought a random item - something I have never bought before, and a few days later I received a money off coupon for the next time I but this item.  Isn't that spooky?
 
David Responds
 
Well no not really, unfortunately in the world we live in, computers monitor everything we buy and occasionally the computers decide we haven't bought enough of a specific item so they try to tempt us to buy it again with a 'money off deal'.
 
If you receive a money off coupon before you buy a random item … now that would be spooky.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Dear David - Penzance

Dear David

It has been very wet today in the South West. Have the gays moved on to Penzance?

David Responds

You make them sound like an invading army ...

... but no, I have had a quick ring round and no one has heard of a mass move towards Cornwall.

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Dear David - The Jump

Dear David

I really enjoyed The Jump. Do you know when the next series is on?

David Responds

If they had to dredge up Anthea Turner for the first series, I doubt they are expecting to make a second series.

Dear David - Football

Dear David

I am a rather successful figure in the football business but I have packed my job in because I was dead fed up. Any ideas on what I can do to fill my day in now?

JK

David Responds

Oh I didn't know you did football as well, I loved you in Coronation Street … 'Oh Bet!' … I thought you were marvellous.

But yes finding something to do to fill your day at your age (you must be knocking on a bit now?) must be difficult, but it is important you try.

Do you want to stay in football? I have had a look at the post code on your letter and I think there is another team quite close by, have you thought about managing them? Why don't you give them a ring and see if they have anything going.

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Dear David - Stew

Dear David

I have often had Mulligan stew but I have never fancied a turkey dinner.  What do you think?

R

David Responds

I think you are a tramp.

Saturday, 1 February 2014

Dear David - Football

Dear David

I am a horse and I am going to a football match in the North today.  Do you have any advice for me?

a horse

David Responds

Yes ... wear boxing gloves.

Sainsbury's

Frosty visit to Sainsbury's this week, and after weeks of limited offerings, the Patisserie was in full swing with packed shelves.  And she was in a good mood too.

Chatting I said 'you are looking well stacked this morning mind'.

She gave a little giggle and said 'Oh you ... you are a one'.

I wonder what she meant by that?

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • David called a man out to fix his fuse;
  • the Queen thought she might rent out one or two of her houses to pay for some new windows;
  • Valerie left France a First Lady and went back not a First Lady;
  • Jude got a piece of paper with a family member's name on it;
  • Jude has one less Christmas card to write this year;
  • After an embarrassing mix up at the palace, Camilla was reunited with Charles in the royal limousine and Grayson was left to get a taxi home;
  • Seal has a new girlfriend; 
  • Justin got arrested again; 
  • Justin is very naughty; 
  • some people jumped off … well a Jump; 
  • Francois came on a visit to the UK; and
  • David took Francois for lunch in an English pub;Francois said 'qu'est-ce que le 'Toad in the Hole?