Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Dear David - Growing Up

Dear David

Do you think I will be pretty when I grow up?  I have sent a photograph of my parents to help you decide.

Thank you

Sarah age 6

David Responds

Oh princess don't you worry about things like that.  What you look like isn't important, it is what you are like inside that matters.

Oh you have enclosed a photograph of your parents ...
 ... I like these letters with photographs ... let's have a look ...

... ah .. yes ... well

... you might want to make sure you get a personality for when you are older just in case.

Dear David - Hens ... again

Dear David

It so is a chicken.

David Responds

It is not a chicken.  Chickens have wings, that thing, whatever it is, has no wings.

Monday, 27 January 2014

Dear David - Hens ... again

Dear David

I just thought you might like to know my new hen that I named after you is laying like a goodun. Would you like me to drop off half a dozen eggs for your Victoria sponges?

David Responds

I am not sure what a 'goodun' is, but I am sure it is very nice.

Oh and how thoughtful of you. I normally get my eggs from the local farmer's market, but it is so kind of you to think of me, a few extra eggs will be just the job for a weekend Victoria sponge.

And you have enclosed a photograph of this new addition to your family … I like letters with photos … let's have a look …

What the b h is that? That is never a chicken. I don't know what it is, but I certainly don't want any of its rotten eggs.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Dear David - Splash

Dear David

I am thinking of going on the TV programme Splash (I am a bit of a local celebrity as I once opened the church summer fete).

I am a bit worried about being on TV in my swimming costume though, do you think I look ok?

C

David Responds

Oh that is a marvelous programme isn't it, no wonder you want to be on it.

Oh and you have enclosed a photograph ... I like these letters ... fishing it out of the envelope ...let's have a look ...

Oh ... well the photo is a bit grainy isn't it dear, I can hardly make you out.  Are you standing next to a tree?  A thin tree?

I'll have to hold this up to the light ... let's have a proper look .. ah no, that isn't a tree, that is you.

You are quite thin aren't you dear ... and pale ..., yes quite pale.  I've never seen that shade of white before ... it is quite bright isn't it.

Where did you get your swimsuit from dear, was it your nans?  I mean, you look very nice, all things considered, but I think you might want to update it a bit.  Why don't I send you my free leaflet 'How to look good in a swimsuit'.  

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Some people were at the National Television Awards - - not sure who - I had Winterwatch on;
  • The Prince of Wales was invited to the National Television Awards, but he didn't go - he was watching Winterwatch - oh isn't that a coincidence;
  • Kelly let her boyfriend drive her £80,000 car;
  • Ant and Dec won some awards;
  • Justin got arrested;
  • the Wanted split up - they are the ones that used to be One Direction before One Direction was invented;
  • Les is going to be a burglar in Corrie;
  • Phil got some new hair
  • Kim and Kanye can't get married in Versailles;
  • Nigel hasd scrapped his manifesto; and
  • Angela is glad they have scrapped Murder, She Wrote - I think we all are.

Sainsbury's

She was in a very good mood this morning.  When I got to the Patisserie she was singing along to the radio - Islands in the Stream (she was doing the Dolly words).

'I've kept one for you' referring to my regular purchase.

'Hurrah' I thought after two weeks without.

'But it is just out the oven so I can't slice it'.

She did that on purpose!.  The rotten old bag.

Oh and some news on the Easter egg front ... they have arrived in Sainsbury's.

If you are looking for them, they are where the Christmas chocolates were a couple of weeks ago. 

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Dear David - Wrath of God ... again

Dear David

I am having a family occasion in June which I am very much looking forward to. Things is, I am planning a big outdoor event and I am worried about it being 'rained off'.

We have a gay couple at the end of our road and I was thinking of popping a note through their door to ask them if they wouldn't mind not being gay for a bit over the last weekend of June, to help keep the rain off.  Do you think that would be all right?

David Responds

No dear I think you have it wrong, I don't think it is that the gays are causing the rain on an ad hoc basis, it is more that they are making it rain all over the place all of the time.

I think it has something to do with the wrath of God. I am a bit surprised about this though as He doesn't seem to mind murderers, armed robbers or general ne'er-do-wells, just the gays.

So I have to say I am a bit confused about this now as it has been quite nice here and we haven't had any rain for ages.  Maybe we haven't got any of the gays round ours, but I am not so sure that is true.

Can you give me a few more details of your event and I will have a think about it.

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Dear David - Mental Age

Dear David

I recently completed a mental age test and I came out as 28.  I'm very concerned about this as I'm only 25.  Does this make me a bore?  Photograph enclosed.

C

David Responds
 
Oh no, I am sure you are not boring at all, I bet you are very interesting.  
 
Oh you have enclosed a photograph … I like these letters …
 
… fishing it out of the envelope … Let's have a look …
 
Ah yes …well ...  I recognise you now … I have seen you in the Laughing Donkey.  
 
You are the one that goes around showing everyone your stamp album.  I know everyone comments on it and I am sure it is very interesting.
 
One thing though … have you thought about putting some stamps in it?  That might liven the discussions up a bit.

Monday, 20 January 2014

Dear David - Wrath of God ... again

Dear David

I am the leader of a political party in the UK and I have juat been hit over the head with a placard.  What can I do?

anon

David Responds

Oh dear ... what a pity ... never mind.

I think it might be the wrath of God, (He gets all over when He is doing His wrathing), so not much you can do I am afraid. 

Dear David - Wrath of God

Dear David

I have seen in the news that the gays are creating all these floods we have been having. The chap next door to me plays a lot of Judy Garland records, should I buy some sandbags?

David Responds

Yes I have seen this mentioned in the news, but I think the link between Judy Garland and excessive rain has yet to be proved.

I have had a look at the post code on your letter and can tell you live in the North.

As there hasn't been much in the way of flooding up North recently I think God only seems to have a problem with the gays that live in the South - so even if the link between Judy Garland and floods is established, you should be ok.   I would hold off of buying sandbags for now.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Cameron

I don't often comment on politics, (it is not that sort of blog), but I was a bit amused at Cameron's comment in a recent interview,, when he was asked about the first World War.

He said it was a good thing to have fought that war as you wouldn't want the Prussians running Europe.

David you might want to have a look out of your front window ... sort of towards Germany.  I am not sure how much more Prussian you can get than Angela Merkel.


Saturday, 18 January 2014

Sainsbury's

She was in a better mood this morning and multi grained seeded were back on the shelves.

I was just about to pick one when she warned me they had just come out of the oven so wouldn't slice.  I had to settle for a sliced wholemeal instead.

Interest piqued by this week's bake-off I asked for a couple of Eccles cakes.

'We haven't got any'.

I said 'don't start that again'.

She said 'I can do you a couple of sly cakes or a family peach melba'

I'm not sure I am a 'family peach melba' sort of person, so I left it.  don't know what we are going to have if her next door comes round.

Oh and sorry no news on the Easter egg front, Sainsbury's still haven't any.  I am startionig to get a bit worried.

Friday, 17 January 2014

Spying

After all the furore over America spying on the rest of the world, Obama has just announced ... reluctantly .. that they are very sorry and that in future the US will not routinely spy on Heads of State or governments of friendly countries.

Aaaawww isn't that nice of them.

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Dear David - Bake Off

Dear David

I am a rather smug self-satisfied actress who has made a couple of films and married the boss, now I think I would like to enter a baking competition. Do you think I should try and get onto the Great British Bake Off?

Anon

David Responds

No love, actually they had just had one on so I I wouldn't bother.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Dear David - Children's Birthday Party

Dear David

I recently hosted a three year old's birthday party.  I was shattered at the end of it.  Do you have any tips for holding a less stressful event in the future?

David Responds

Ah yes the child's birthday party can be a nightmare event and this question often pops up in my post bag, especially from my readers that are knocking on a bit. 

The key to to tire out your child's party guests.  Try this sure fire tip.

Give each guest a garden shovel and tell them that there is magic treasure hidden in your garden.  Set them free to dig away while you watch from your verandah sipping mint juleps. 

After several hours your little charges will be exhausted and ready to drop, and you will have a nice freshly turned over vegetable plot.

If the children are disappointed that they didn't find any magic treasure, tell them life is full of disappointments and best get used to it sooner rather than later.

Monday, 13 January 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
    • Kylie was in that show where they sit in chairs and turn around;
    • Steve McQueen won a Golden Globe - Oh I loved Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid;
    • Christiano won a balloon;
    • Liam stood on a ledge;
    • LA Police wanted an excuse to look in Justin's house for egg boxes;
    • Kate was 40 - oh she looks 50 to me;
    • Justin's eggs caused £1,000 worth of damage - or a quick wipe over with a damp cloth depending on whether you live in Bel Air or a normal place;
    • Kate was 40 - oh she looks 50 to me; 
    • Zara had a baby; and 
    • Harry packed his job in.

      Dear David - Hens ... again

      Dear David

      I have bought a hen so I can get fresh eggs.

      I've named her David after you - would you consider being her god father- it wont involve much just feeding her and mucking her out when I'm on holiday.

      C

      David Responds

      No I would not ... I'm not mucking out your dirty rotten hen, I don't care if she has a nice name.

      Go on sling your hook.

      Flaming cheek.

      Saturday, 11 January 2014

      Dear David - The Voice

      Dear David

      Isn't Kylie such an improvementy on that tramp from last year?

      David resopnds

      Oh yes she is very nice, much better than that one last year.  She was rotten.

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Gemma bruised her bosoms;
      • Philip said a bit too much on Strictly on Ice;
      • Philip made Jorgie cry;
      • Philip nearly got a smack in the face of Sylvain;
      • Dannii has a new boyfriend; and
      • Kelly's new boyfriend is a Gladiator - well that is what it says here; while
      • Another Kelly chucked her boyfriend;
      • Tulisa went to the beauty salon … then to Court;
      • Zac's jaw seems fine now;
      • Jessica is having a baby so she is giving the Commonwealth games a miss;
      • a load of people you have never heard of were nominated for Brits;
      • Sam won a music award; and 
      • Francois said being a President wasn't all it was cracked up to be. 

      Dear David - Easter Eggs

      Dear David
       
      Being a regular customer of Sainsbury's, when do you think Sainsbury's among other supermarket chains, will start advertising Easter Eggs on television?

      Yours sincerely

      Andy


      David Responds

      Ah yes, no sooner have the supermarkets taken all our money at Christmas do they come back and take more money in the name of Easter.

      They will struggle a bit this year as Easter is late so they might be a bit embarrassed to start pushing eggs in January, but I am sure they will get round it somehow.

      I haven't seen any adverts on TV yet and I had a quick look round the store for you this morning, but I couldn't see any eggs so you might be safe for a week or two.

      Stand firm, don't buy any Easter eggs until at least March ... unless they have a 2 for 3 ... or Cadbury's button ones ... they are the best.

      Dear David - Laughing Donkey

      Dear David

      I've just found out my wing man will be out of action, possibly till Easter.  Any tips on how to survive in the Laughing Donkey without support?

      C

      David Responds

      Yes a night in the Laughing Donkey can be fun can't it.   Oh and you have enclosed a photograph ... I like these letters .... let's have a look ...

      ... which one are you dear? Are you the tall one or the pretty one?  Oh no hang on, you must be the tall one, I can see your initials knitted into the front of your pullover.  Don't your both look smart, and cosy next to the fruit machines.

      I think I have seen you in the bar of the Laughing Donkey before, although I prefer the snug, I know it's a 1p extra on a drink but it is worth it, as you don't get that draught from the front door.

      Now what to do about your problem, I can see your friend will be a miss for a few weeks,  have you thought about taking up darts?  The Laughing Donkey used to have a darts team, although I think they broke up after that unfortunate incident with a dart and the tranny with the blow up bosoms, but I think they still have their dart board.  Have an ask behind the bar and I think they will get it out for you.

      Sainsbury's

      She was in a foul mood this morning.

      I asked for my usual seeded multi-grain, and she said they didn't have any.

      I said 'You haven't got any?'

      'No we haven't got any'

      'You haven't got any?'

      No, we haven't got any'

      'None at all?'

      'We haven't got any'

      'Will you stop saying "you haven't got any"?'

      'Well stop asking if I have any'

      'So you haven't got any'?

      'No'

      So I didn't get any.

      Friday, 10 January 2014

      Dear David - American TV

      Dear David

      What would we do without American TV!

      David Responds

      Oh do you think so? I don't really watch it much, although I do like that new one Dynasty, with our very own June Collins in it, she is 98 you know, isn't she marvellous.

      Oh and I like that other one about the oil … "Sue Ellen you are a drunk, a tramp and an unfit mother" Oh isn't he wicked.

      But I don't really keep up with the others ones like Lucy and the one with the talking horse.

      Let me know your favourite and I might give it a go.

      Thursday, 9 January 2014

      Dear David - The Undateables

      Dear David

      I see that programme 'The Undateables' is back on TV.  Do you think I should go on that show?

      C

      David Responds

      Yes

      Wednesday, 8 January 2014

      Dear David - Hens ... again

      Dear David

      I was wondering if you had an answer to my question about hens and eggs yet? I was wanting an omelet at the weekend.

      Ethel

      David Responds

      Well I have made a few enquiries and it really depends on how many eggs you want a week.

      One hen will produce up to about 4 or 5 eggs a week, so if it is just for the occasional omelet then one hen, in theory, would do.

      I say in theory as chickens are social animals and if you had just the one it would soon get fed up.

      So it is best to have a minimum of two - although as I said in my last reply, I don't know where you plan to keep them, and remember you will have to feed them as well. And chicken feed doesn’t cost … well, chicken feed … if you know what I mean.

      Do you not think it might be just as easy to buy half a dozen eggs?

      Monday, 6 January 2014

      Dear David - Cold Weather

      Dear David

      I am in America and it is so cold if you throw a glass of water in the air it will freeze before it hits the ground.  Do you have any tips to help us keep warm in this terrible weather?

      David Responds

      Oh that does sound cold. 

      Have you thought of buying some of those nice woolen gloves with the cut off fingers?  They are toasty warm and sure to help.

      Dear David - Hens

      Dear David

      I fancied a soft boiled egg and soldiers the other day and was shocked at the price of eggs - so I've been thinking of getting a chicken as a pet - will one lay on its own?

      Ethel

      David Responds

      Yes they are a bit pricey aren't they, but what a marvelous idea to keep a chicken and produce your own eggs.

      But a word of caution dear, as you know ...  I have been to yours for afternoon tea on many occasions and you have a lovely home, but I'm not sure the fifth floor of a multistory is the easiest place to keep a chicken.

      And anyway I don't think you can have just one, I think you have to have a few.

      Let me investigate and get back to you dear, but in the meantime don't buy any chickens.

      Sunday, 5 January 2014

      Dear David - Silver Slipper

      Dear David

      I forgot to tell you that I slipped and ended up flat on my face in the Silver Slipper at 4am on new years eve - how long do you think I need to stay in hiding before I can go out in public again? C

      David Responds

      I had heard that some drunken old bag the image of baby Jane Hudson had managed to get into the Silver Slipper even though the bouncers were a bit concerned that 'madam had been drinking''.

      Story was she staggered into the main bar, fell over a coffee table and ended up flat on her face. 

      She was then hustled out by the bouncers and left propped up against a skip in the back alley.  Was that you dear?

      It must have been a little embarrassing, but it isn't the first time is it?  I would give it a few weeks and I am sure it will soon be forgotten.

      Saturday, 4 January 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Jimi married Flavia;
      • Margot got a sir dame hood;
      • so did Jessica; 
      • On\Off couple Nicole and Lewis are back on - for now;
      • Nigella wore the dress Hattie wore on This is Your Life;
      • some celebrities got ready to skate on ice; and
      • some more got ready to jump in some water; and
      • some more went into a house - it is a busy time of year to be a celebrity;
      • harry couldn't get into a casino - not that Harry, the other Harry; and
      • some cricketers in Australia wished they hadn't bothered turning up.

      Dear David - Floods

      Dear David

      I am worried about all these floods.  Where can I get these cedar fences they keep talking about on the news?

      David Responds

      Not 'cedar fences' ... sea defenses.

      Sainsbury's

      Back to normal visit to Sainsbury's although I thought I best give the Patisserie a swerve.

      But she is not so easily avoided, she was behind a load of 'stackable movable trays' (as she calls them) and she packing the shelves with Hot Cross buns.  She said she had them on offer 60p for four.

      Just thought you might like to know. 

      Thursday, 2 January 2014

      Dear David - Resolutions

      Dear David

      I wonder if you could inspire me and your readers with ideas for new years resolutions by sharing with us your good intentions?  I have enclosed a photograph of myself to let you see how I could improve myself. 

      C

      David Responds

      Yes well, I don't do New Year's resolutions - giving up this thing or that thing at this time of is doomed to fail so why bother?

      A bit of self-improvement might be a better idea, but I suppose it depends on what you are working with, Oh a photograph ... I like these letters ...

      ... let's have a look ... see what I am working with  ...pop my spectacles on ...

      Good Lord, you are a challenge aren't you!

      Still a journey of a 1,000 miles starts with a single step ...where do I start ...

      You are quite hairy aren't you, I've never seen hair grow in so many places before - was there a full moon last night? 

      Have you thought about electrolysis?  It might be a bit expensive, what with the amount you need, but they might do you a deal as a repeat customer.

      Send for my free leaflet How to undergo extensive electrolysis and keep smiling