Saturday, 27 December 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Tara couldn’t get into a first class lounge; 
  • George and Amal are having Christmas in Mexico;  
  • Mel B was on Quiz of the Year - no one question wasn't 'Why is Mel B on Quiz of the year?; 
  • Nick left the Apprentice even though he wasn't fired;
  • Jodie is going to become an MP;
  • Shane got some blonde highlights;
  • Ludacris got engaged to Eudoxie Mbouguiengue - yes I've no idea either, but apparently it is important news that we should all know;
  • Screech got arrested;
  • some royals had a Christmas dinner at Sandringham;
  • Kate and William didn't have Christmas dinner at Sandringham;
  • the Queen said not to bother getting out the picnic chairs because Kate and William aren't coming;
  • someone won the apprentice; and
  • Louis won Strictly again.


There was no sign of her at the Patisserie this morning ...

Margret was on the front.

'Oh hello' I said 'Is Agatha not on today?'

'She was supposed to be' said her replacement 'but she was doing the Karaoke at the Blue Racoon last night and she phoned in this morning for a lieu day.  She said she was feeling a little tired.  Well that is what she said but I think she had been on the drink.  The manager was furious and he put me on the front'

'Oh dear I hope she gets better soon.  I don't suppose you have any mince pies left?  Agatha said she would keep me a pack for this weekend'.

'Oh yes we have lots.  We have some lovely iced ones'

'What!  I thought you didn't do iced ones?  Agatha said you didn't do iced ones'.

'Wonder why she said that .... we have all sorts ... orange and cranberry, flaky pastry ones and lots of the iced ones ... all sorts ... we have been doing them since October'.

That miserable old bag.

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Dear David - Katie Melua

Dear David

I am a great fan of the popuar singer Katie Melua, but I have never known how to pronounce her surname.  Do you know how to pronounce it?

David Responds

Yes, it is pronounced Melua.

Dear David - Office Party

Dear David

I have just realized you're missing the office party - should I save u a sausage roll?


David Responds

No thanks, last time I had one of your rotten sausage rolls I spent two days in Accident and Emergency.

Monday, 22 December 2014

Dear David - Season of Goodwill

Dear David

When does the season of good will start?

David Responds

Ah yes the Season of Goodwill … is it here again already?

The duration of the season is fairly well documented, it starts on Christmas eve when people give you presents and ends on Christmas Day when dinner you have had your dinner and the washing up has to be done.

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
  • Mel missed the X Factor final – I wish I had missed the X Factor final;
  • Mel didn’t say why she had been in hospital;
  • Mel was covered in bruises;
  • Mel left her husband;
  • Russell went to the bank;
  • some royals had a Christmas party;
  • Greg is getting married again – what after that Strictly appearance she still said ‘Yes’; and
  • Kym is getting married; and
  • Elton and David are getting married as well;
  • the Queen had a Christmas party for the family;
  • the Queen arrived at Sandringham for Christmas;
  • the Queen said I suppose I should make a start with the unpacking;
  • the Queen asked if Waitrose had been with her shopping; and
  • the Queen said ‘I’m sure I had a tin of Ye Olde Oak ham at the back of this cupboard somewhere.


Sony came in for some criticism from Obama after cancelling that film.

He said they shouldn't let foreign dictators impose censorship on views expressed in America ... that's his job.


FIFA have revealed they will release a secret report into the World Cup bidding scandal.

But they are going to remove all the words first ... to keep it secret.


Agatha was shuffling around in time to a beat at the Patisserie ...

‘What’s that?’ I asked

‘What’s what?



‘That noise’

‘What noise?’

‘That noise ... like a jingling sort of noise’

‘It's music’

‘You don’t normally have music’

‘The manager says we can have music because it’s Christmas’

‘It’s not Christmas for nearly a week’

‘I know but the manager says we should be pushing our Christmas wares as it is special’

‘Oh that’s nice, have you got anything on special?’ I quizzed.




‘You mean “Yes”?’

‘I don’t’

You do, I said you have nothing on special so you should say ‘Yes you haven’t’. But you didn’t, you said ‘No you didn’t have nothing on special’ so that meant you did’

‘Are you taking tablets?’


‘Well you should’.

Miserable old bag.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

James Bond

I notice that Sony has suffered from a bit of hacking. They say the secret script for the next James Bond movie has been stolen.

Oh dear …

... wait a minute ‘secret script’ … What secret script?

You mean the one where a megalomaniac is plotting to take over the world and only our James Bond can foil his evil plan and has to go to a hot country to do it ...that secret script?

I don't know how to break this to you Sony ... but the script for the next James Bond movie isn't secret.

Monday, 15 December 2014

Dear David - Stamp

Dear David

I've received a Christmas card with a second class stamp on it.  Do you think I should terminate my friendship with the sender?

David Responds 

Oh that is a little disappointing isn't it. 

I know you like to steam the stamp off the envelopes you receive and use them again so you are probably disappointed at only getting a second class stamp on this occasion. 

This means you will have to make some amendments to the accounting ledgers that you keep in an old oxo tin in the attic but perhaps terminating a friendship over this might be an over-reaction. 

Perhaps you could you ask your friend to send you the difference in cash while you think it over?

Dear David - Take That

Dear David

How many more members of Take that have to leave before Howard Donald gets a go at lead vocals?

David Responds

Another two should do it.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Celebrity Week

This week's celebrity news:
    • The winner of Strictly was voted off; 
    • Nigel couldn’t get to his own meeting because he said immigrants were blocking the M4 – seems like even Nigel doesn’t want to meet Nigel; 
    • David promised to have 1,000s more maths teachers … or was that 100s more?; 
    • Somebody won that one in the jungle I’ve not been watching; 
    • Alex has been counting chickens; 
    • Kate and William were in New York;
    • some people were told they might get a Golden Globe;
    • Angelina wants to be the next pope;
    • Zayn got a new hair-do; and
    • Nigel and Russell made shows of themselves on Question Time.

      Dear David - After Shave

      Dear David

      I am going to the works Christmas party at the community center tonight and I've bought a new after shave for the event. I have sent you a little sample to get your opinion. what do you think?

      David Responds

      Is it Christmas party time again already.

      Oh and how lovely a little present in with the letter ...

      ... I like these letters ...

      ... fishing the parcel out of the envelope ...

      ... let's have a look ...

      ... oh how clever ... you have put your after shave sample in an old Tweed bottle ... wherever did you get that from ...

      Let's see if I can get the top off ... I'm not sure it is going to come off ... oh aren't you strong ... you must have a grip like a gorilla.

      Ah no .. there it is ... the top has come off ... let's have a smell ... good lord that is strong isn't it ... no not strong ... what's the word? ... 'pungent' yes that's a better word ... it is very pungent.

      Oh heavens I must remember to get some domestos ... eeeh what am I like where did that random thought come from!

      What was I saying ... oh yes your after shave ... yes it is very nice I am sure all the ladies will love it ... but don't go mad with it try just a little dab ... several hours before you go out.


      Agatha was full of busy at the Patisserie this morning ...

      'What can I get you this week?' she asked 'Would you like half a mince pie, or maybe I can get you a quarter slice of chocolate cake?'

      'Very funny' I replied, Agatha was referring to my purchase of two mince pies the previous week.  'It is all very well for you with your fancy 15% discount but times are hard and I'm not made of money.  Have you got anything Christmassy ... but not mince pies.'

      'Not mince pies?'


      'I've got Christmas cake?'

      'Not Christmas cake'

      'What about Stollen?'

      'Oh that sounds nice.  What is it?

      'It is sort of like a rolled up tea cake with currents and cream in.'

      'Have you got stollen without currents in?'

      'No, it's made with currants'.

      'Have you not got anything else?'

      'Have I not got anything else?'



      'I'll have two mince pies, and can I have them in a box.'

      Friday, 12 December 2014


      Russell Brand achieved the seemingly impossible task of making Farage sound reasonable.

      Thursday, 11 December 2014

      Festive Joy

      Christmas is very close.

      I’ve now started to play that game where the Post Office put a card through my front door, expressing surprise that I was not in during normal business hours as they had important business to conduct with me.

      The next stage is I have to guess where their delivery office is; when it is open, and then tour the north east to try and find it.

      I then have to argue with some rat bag over the counter to prove who I am and to convince her to hand over my parcel.

      Wednesday, 10 December 2014

      Dear David - Lidl ... again

      Dear David

      Is Aldi an anagram of Lidl?

      David Responds

      Well no.  But I think both names could do with a few more letters in them.

      Dear David - Lidl

      Dear David

      I've been watching the Lidl Christmas advert where everyone sits round a giant table and eats Lidl products. Do you think all those people who act surprised that they are eating Lidl food really dont know that they aren't being filmed for a Lidl advert?

      David Responds

      Oh I don’t know ... I don’t know what people don’t know …

      … but I think they know.

      I have had a close look at the advert and you can’t tell from the screen, but there must be at least a dozen Lidl carrier bags lying around on the floor … so they must know.


      Having failed to convince Scotland to vote for Independence Alex Salmond is now planning to return to Westminster … presumably to try and convince England to vote for independence from Scotland.

      Tuesday, 9 December 2014

      Nativity Play

      It is that time of year when work colleagues slope off early in the afternoon to see their little one in the school nativity play.
      Her in accounts never misses.  

      I’m not being funny but she has been pulling that one for years, by my reckoning their ‘wee Jeannie’ must be 27 by now.

      Premier Foods

      Following the news that Premier Foods are unapologetic about asking suppliers for payments to continue using them I have written to the company to request a small contribution to my weekly grocery budget for me to continue to use them as my supplier.  

      So far I haven’t heard back.

      Monday, 8 December 2014

      Dear David - Christmas Present

      Dear David
      I have bought Christmas presents for my pet hamster, I have bought a hamster bed, a hamster blanket, a hamster hat and some hamster treats.  Is there anything else I can get?
      David Responds
      Yes … medical help.

      Saturday, 6 December 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • David had a bump in his car;
      • Queen Letizia was in Berlin;
      • Queen Letizia's hair got blown in the wind;
      • Queen Letizia said 'ooh isn't it cold over her';
      • Gordon said 'I'm sick of this lark' and packed it in;
      • Tony and Cherie sent their Christmas card;
      • Mike is going on the second series of The Jump – I’m surprised … a second series;
      • Camilla wore a tiara – it’s not a crown though;
      • Nigella is back on the telly in America;
      • Joan might be getting a Sir damehoodship;
      • some people left the jungle and some went in; and
      • Felipe said Felipe was leaving the Apprentice;

      Dear David - Trotters

      Dear David

      I have been given some pigs trotters, can you tell me what to do with them?

      David Responds

      Yes, throw them in the bin.

      Dear David - Christmas Dinner

      Dear David

      I am thinking of making a Christmas dinner with a capon. Do you have any tips?

      David Responds

      Yes, tie it quite firmly round your neck so it doesn't get in your way while you are cooking.

      Dear David - Pies

      Dear David

      I absolutely hate the filling in mincemeat pies.  can you suggest an alternative?

      David Responds

      Yes, apple.


      At the Patisserie ...

      Agatha was arranging her buns when I arrived this morning.

      'Morning' I said, 'I'll have some of your finest Christmas mince pies'

      Agatha went out the back and came back with a tray of mince pies. 'How many do you want?'

      'Let's have a look at them' I said Ah no, not those ones'.

      'What's wrong with them?'

      'I only like the ones with icing on the top'

      'They have got icing on the top'

      'Ah no, that's a sprinkling of icing ... I was after a layer of icing'

      'We don't do those'

      'You don't?'

      'We don't

      'Are you sure? Can you not have a look out the back?'

      'Can I not have a look? queried Agatha



      'Go on'


      'All right then, I'll just take two of your ordinary mince pies'.


      'Yes two'

      'Is that all?'


      'All this fuss for weeks over mince pies and you only want two?'

      'Yes, times are hard and I'm not made of money'

      'We don't do them in twos, we only do them in fours or sixes'.

      'Hmmm, ... well I'll have a pack of four then'.

      'We only have packs of six left.'

      Miserable old bag.

      Thursday, 4 December 2014

      Dear David - Lobster

      Dear David

      Do you think Iceland's lobster will taste like lobster?


      David Responds

      Oh I’m not sure. 
      I know there was a bit of controversy over Kerry’s prawn ring, some people thought it was a bit battered by the time they got it home. 
      I have my doubts over the quality of Peter’s lobster, but it looks fairly sturdy in its shell. 
      I notice in the advertisement, no size of lobster is mentioned so maybe you might want to have a corned beef and potato plate pie handy just in case your lobster doesn’t go very far.

      Wednesday, 3 December 2014

      Dear David - Christmas Card

      Dear David

      I am trying to choose our annual Christmas card. Photographs enclosed, what do you think?

      Tony and Cherie

      David Responds

      Dear me Christmas questions already …

      Oh a letter with photographs in …

      … I like these letters …

      ….let’s have a look ….

      Now let me see … which picture ….

      … not that one.

      Tuesday, 2 December 2014


      We all love a bit of Dolly, but dear me new tune Blue Smoke ... What the b h is that all about.

      I think she has been watching too many episodes of the Beverly Hillbillies

      Monday, 1 December 2014

      Cyber Monday

      Oh how exciting cyber Monday is finally here ...

      I must have missed Cyber Monday eve. What happens on cyber Monday eve?

      Saturday, 29 November 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Angelina is buying a house in Marylebone;
      • Lewis won a race;
      • the one we have forgotten about off of X Factor had an affair with the one that has just been eliminated;
      • Simon laughed when Stevi asked for a record contract;
      • Zayn was tired and gaunt - oh last week he was just gaunt;
      • Cher cancelled some tour dates;
      • Brad and Angelina had a row;
      • Angelina said it was so not her turn - she put he rubbish out last week;
      • Laurence said 'eeh I thought there was more days than this to Christmas';
      • Andrew said 'If I'd had that day off work instead of going in I could have saved £3million'; and
      • Burt sold a load of his stuff off.


      Note to the gentleman who pulled out in front of me at a junction with inches to spare, and then did the same at the next junction in front of a big van ... if you don't slow down you will never make it to ASDA to get your cheap telly.


      At the Patisserie ...

      Agatha had her Christmas apron on ... and some holly in her hair

      'Oh, look at you' I said 'aren't you all festive.  I don't suppose you have any mince pies in early do you?'

      'I told you last week, we don't do them till December ... come back on Monday.'

      'You're a bit grumpy this morning.'

      'You would be grumpy if you had holly in your hair.'

      'Why don't you take it out?'

      'The manager says I have to wear it'.

      'What for?'

      Agatha turned towards the back and shouted ... 'Margaret, what was it the manager said about this holly again?' .... (muffled response from out back)  ... 'oh yes he said ... he wanted me to be the smiling happy festive face of Sainsbury's this Christmas.'  So I have to wear the holly.

      'You don't look very happy and festive.'

      'Would you be happy with holly in your hair?'

      'I suppose not.'  Seizing the moment I thought I would take a chance ... 'Are you peach Melbas on special ... what with it being Black Friday?'


      Miserable old bag.

      Friday, 28 November 2014

      Black Friday

      An urgent community announcement from Dear David ...

      Following disgraceful scenes of panic buying the second day of the 'Black Friday' sale at Deidre Fishwick's home craft stall has been cancelled.


      At the end of the 'pleb' trial I see the judge found in favour of the PC ... saying the PC was well suited to his job ...  and the judge went on to say ... he didn't believe the PC had the intellect or wit to make up such a tale as the sorry events of that evening.

      Note to policeman ... you do realize he is calling you thick don't you?

      Wednesday, 26 November 2014


      Two older people were outside the library making arrangements to meet the following day at the train station.

      But they were using words ... actual words.

      What a funny thing to do.

      Tuesday, 25 November 2014

      Dear David Announcement

      In an exciting technological development Dear David is now accepting questions via that little blue circle with the squiggly line on it.

      Christmas Card

      I overheard an assistant in the Christmas shop ...

      ... 'Is it just the one Christmas card you are wanting?'

      What a bitch.

      Monday, 24 November 2014

      Dear David - Camels

      Dear David

      I heard the nativity story today for the first time and I really liked it.  Especially the part about the three wise men going to see the baby Jesus on camels.  (The wise men were on the camels not the baby Jesus).

      I really like camels, do you know what their names were?

      Sarah age six

      David Responds

      Camels were not introduced to the middle east until around the year 500 AD, so this part of the story is unlikely to be true.  There were no camels. 

      Saturday, 22 November 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Gemma hadn’t realised the jungle would be outdoors;
      • Gemma hadn’t realised the jungle would be hot;
      • Gemma hadn’t realised the jungle would have animals in it;
      • Gemma hadn’t realised the jungle would have insects in it;
      • Gemma said I don’t like the jungle;
      • Roger’s wife should keep her trap shut; 
      • Zayn was looking gaunt; 
      • Jeremy got done for speeding on his bicycle; 
      • George keeps his milk in a locked fridge; 
      • Bono fell off his bike; 
      • Julien can’t come into the UK; 
      • Ed said he was chucking out his Here’say records; 
      • Charles says he isn’t going to stop talking; 
      • Zayn got a new hair-do – I wonder if that is why he was gaunt?; 
      • Boris got a US Tax bill; and 
      • Lee is packing in comedy .


      At the Patisserie …

      Agatha was brushing excess flour off her baps …

      ‘Morning dear’ I said as I picked up my just sliced multi-grain. ‘What with it being nearly Christmas I’ll have six mince pies as well’

      ‘We haven’t got any’ replied Agatha

      ‘You haven’t got any?’

      ‘We haven’t got any’

      ‘You haven’t got any?’

      ‘Stop saying that – we haven’t got any’

      ‘But it is nearly Christmas – everyone has mice pies in’

      ‘We don’t do mince pies until first of December’

      ‘But Marks and Spencer have got there’s in,'

      ‘We still haven’t got any’

      ‘What will I do now? I’m having a mince pie and mulled wine tasting this afternoon, I need mince pies’

      ‘Can’t you use something else?’

      ‘Well not really, your supposed to have mince pies at a mince pie tasting’

      ‘I could do you some sly cakes with holly in’

      ‘No thanks, the last ones you sold me were rotten’

      ‘I could leave the currants in if that will help?’

      'Go on then, but cut them into quarters, I'm not made of money and her next door will go through the lot if I don't watch her'. 

      Thursday, 20 November 2014

      Nicola Sturgeon

      The BBC informed us that Nicola Sturgeon had just become the first ever female leader of Scotland ...

      ... really? ... Mary Queen of Scots might have something to say about that ...

      Wednesday, 19 November 2014

      Dear David - Christmas Countdown

      Dear David

      I think I am getting obsessed (36) with counting down the days (almost 35) to Christmas. Can you help?

      David Responds

      Not really, I think you are beyond it (34).

      Tuesday, 18 November 2014

      Dear David - Regions

      Dear David

      Can you tell me where the erogenous regions are?

      David Responds

      Yes, they are somewhere near the equator.

      Saturday, 15 November 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Janet isn't going to Tesco anymore - I hope she isn't going to go to Sainsbury's instead;
      • Dolores has had better weeks - it's not often I get to write of a Dolores;
      • Ed has had better weeks as well; 
      • Vanessa isn't allowed to go skiing;
      • a load of people you never heard of are heading to the jungle;
      • Kate and William went to the theatre;
      • Gerri is getting engaged again;
      • and Dec got engaged too;
      • Robert got a funny hair-do;
      • Bono's jet door fell off;
      • Graham's new restaurant in Mayfair didn't get many customers;
      • Edwina is going in the jungle; and
      • some people are singing that Band Aid song again.

      Dear David - Comet ... again

      Dear David

      I have had some more bad news about my spacecraft - it has fallen in a hole and now its solar panels won't work.  Help!

      David Responds

      Honestly that spacecraft is becoming a bit of a nuisance.

      Bit of a tricky one this .. you might want to write this guidance down.

      This isn't ideal as the light from the sun is a lot stronger, but this is the best I can do in the circumstances.

      First put your kitchen light on, then take a mirror.  Use the biggest one you can find and hold comfortably - take care they can be quite heavy ... be careful not to drop it.

      Next hold the mirror so it is reflecting the light from your kitchen window up into the sky.   Try and aim the light in the general direction of the comet.  This should help recharge the spacecraft batteries.

      The light has a long way to go so hold this position until your arms are slightly tired. 

      Dear David - Sofas

      Dear David

      As Christmas approaches and the sofa adverts on TV increase it got me thinking - will vegetarians sit on a leather sofa?


      David Responds

      What a funny question.  It is not as if you are asking them to eat your sofa.  lol.

      But I do see your predicament.  Why not have a nice chintz sofa in your parlor and have your leather sofa in your drawing room.

      When guests arrive, as you take their coats and before you invite them to sit down, casually ask 'Are you a carnivore or a vegetarian?

      You can then direct them to the appropriate room.


      Agatha was back on the Patisserie ...

      'Oh hello dear' I said 'I missed you last week'

      'I was on a disciplinary'

      'So I hear, what did you do this  time'

      'Nothing, it's that manager, he has got it in for me.'  He made a right fuss about the Christmas decorations.'

      'Oh dear, did he make you take them down?'

      'No,' Agatha look a bit surprised, 'they are still up.'


      'Well here ... there's some tinsel ... and look over there ... there's a bauble.'

      'Oh yes, now you point them out I can see them.  There's not very many'.  I don't recognize them from last year ... Are they new?'

      'Yes, we got them from Lidl.'

      Friday, 14 November 2014

      Christmas Wonderland ....

      A bit of a scene at the Fenwick's Christmas Wonderland counter with security being called to evict a customer.

      To be fair I can see the potential for confusion when the lady assistant asked the man 'Would you like your balls in a box'.

      Thursday, 13 November 2014

      Dear David - Comet ... again

      Dear David

      I bought a new remote control for my space craft as you suggested, but nothing happens when I press the buttons. Help!

      David Responds

      Oh that is frustrating isn’t it and after you spent such a lot of money on your little space craft.

      Try taking the batteries out of your remote control and put them back in again. Then press the buttons really hard for seven seconds.

      If that doesn’t work, take the batteries back out again and rub them in your hands for a few seconds, to make them warm, then try again.

      Wednesday, 12 November 2014

      Dear David - Comet

      Dear David

      I recently landed a spacecraft on a comet 300 million miles away, but I've just realized I have left the remote control on the dashboard.  Help!

      David Responds

      Oh it is annoying when you do that isn't it.

      I don't suppose you can go after it and get it back can you?

      If not why don't you get one of those multipurpose remotes from Comet (lol) and see if that works.

      Put one of those extra strength batteries in it and press really hard on the buttons to get it to work.

      Monday, 10 November 2014

      The Cranberries

      The singer in The Cranberries is in a bit of bother over an alleged incident on a flight between Ireland and the USA – it might result in her being banned from America.

      There might have been a bit more comedic value in this had she been traveling to Turkey.

      Saturday, 8 November 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Scott left Strictly; 
      • two left X Factor; 
      • Cheryl moved her mouth and danced to a tune on X Factor; 
      • Beatrice said ‘You know what I’m not so bothered about going on this spacecraft thing anymore’;
      • Alistair is packing it in at the House of Commons; 
      • Sherlock got engaged;
      • Niall jumped over a wall;
      • some people were getting ready to go into the jungle;
      • PJ and Duncan were 25;
      • Ed has had better weeks;
      • Cheryl turned on some lights; 
      • Mark is going to be the six billion dollar man; and
      • someone left the Apprentice - which one was it again?

      Dear David - Debt

      Dear David

      I am in charge of a lot of money but I have just had a bill off of Europe and it is for loads.  i wrote to them to tell them I had just had a load of champagne delivered and I was skint so couldn't pay.  This sent me this payment plan but I cant make head or tail of it ...

      ... they said they would deduct what they already owe me and take off my birthday money - and if we didn't get each other Christmas presents this year it would come down a lot.  And they said if we call this month August I could pay it in February.  They said that would get it down quite a lot.  What do you think?


      David Responds

      This is a tricky one ... but I would take the offer - the amount is nothing compared to how much you gave the banks.

      And what about all that money you have been printing for years now ... can you not just give them some of that?


      There was no sign of Agatha at the Patisserie this morning …

      ... a stranger was putting loaves on the shelves … he shouted out the back as I arrived ‘Margaret, there’s some bloke on the counter’

      … “some bloke” ….I gave a little shudder …

      Margaret came out the back.

      ‘Oh is Agatha not on this morning?’ I asked

      ‘No, she is on a disciplinary’

      ‘Not again, what she done this time?’

      ‘Well nothing ... it wasn’t her fault … not really.

      'The manager told her to take down the firework decorations and put up the Christmas ones'.

      'She said she was fed up putting up decorations. After she had finished the manager came to check them over and he said he didn't think the artificial snow was very 'snowy' and he didn't like where she had put the Rudolph'.

      'She was dead cross and she said she knew where she would like to put the Rudolph.

      Then the manager said "What did you say?" and she said "You heard". And he said "If I get anymore cheek from you, I'll have you back on Fresh Fish before your feet touch the ground". And she said "A little pipsqueak like you couldn't put a cod slice on Fresh Fish never mind her".

      'And he said "Who are you calling a pipsqueak?" and she said "Well I don't see anyone else here".

      'So what happened?' I asked

      'Well like I say, she is on a disciplinary and she is out back putting cream in the doughnuts ... only the round ones, she isn't allowed to touch the finger ones.'

      Thursday, 6 November 2014


      Our Cheryl was complaining that people were still calling her by her previous name, she said she thought it was dead rude.

      Well I suppose if you didn't change your name every five minutes it would be easier to remember it.

      To be fair to her fans, it is quite hard to say Cheryl Fernandez-Versini when you are eating a cheese pasty.

      Wednesday, 5 November 2014

      Dear David - Bonfire Night

      Dear David

      All these bangs have upset my pussy - what can I do to sooth it?

      David Responds

      Is that you Mrs Slocombe?

      It is upsetting isn't it but at least it isn't raining.  Last bonfire night your pussy got soaking wet in all that rain and you spent all night drying it in front of the fire.

      Tuesday, 4 November 2014

      Griff Rhys Jones

      Griff Rhys Jones has threatened to leave the country if Labour wins the next election.  

      I am not sure what he means by ‘threatens’. 

      Saturday, 1 November 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Chris and whatever she was called have split up after he had dinner with Gwyneth;
      • David met a voter;
      • Kara and Artem split up;
      • Ant and Dec are doing next year’s Brits;
      • a clutch of people left the Apprentice; and
      • some other ones left Strictly and the singing one;
      • Robbie had a new baby; and
      • we all had to watch it on the six o'clock news;
      • Robbie announced a new world tour - no connection;
      • Jamie closed some of his cookery schools; and
      • George sang that song I can't stand on Strictly but it was quite a good version.

      Christmas Fayre

      Popped along to the Community Center Christmas Fayre.

      Where did Christmas come from all of a sudden, shouldn't someone somewhere be keeping a daily Christmas countdown so we know how near it is.

      But I did manage to buy all my Christmas presents from the craft stall ... now who do I know who would like a crochet poncho ... ooh I know ...


      Another Halloween but no callers this year.

      Well I nearly got one.  I could hear some people approaching outside on the front path.  I was standing behind the front door ready to throw it open and shout 'Boo' when they rang.

      Then I heard one of them say 'Don't go in there, that's where the miserable old b******' lives.'

      I think they had mixed me up with old mister Smith at number 93.


      … The Patisserie was still covered in Halloween decorations.

      Agatha was all ready and waiting.

      ‘I’ll have my usual sliced dear’ I said. ‘I thought you were getting new decorations for bonfire night’

      ‘We have’ she said ‘These are them’




      ‘What those?’

      ‘These those’

      ‘What are?’

      ‘These decorations are your bonfire night decorations’

      ‘That is what I said’

      ‘But they aren’t’

      ‘They are’

      ‘They aren’t, they are the same as your Halloween decorations’

      ‘They aren’t’

      ‘They are’

      They aren’t’

      ‘They are – we have been on putting them up since 4 o’clock this morning.’

      ‘They look the same as the Halloween decorations – they are all black’

      ‘Bonfires are at night, and it is black at night’

      ‘What’s that skeleton then?’

      ‘That’s Guy Fawkes’

      ‘What about that there then’ I said pointing ‘That there's a pumpkin – pumpkins aren’t bonfire night – they are Halloween’

      ‘That’s my shopping’

      ‘Well where’s the fireworks, you always have fireworks of a Bonfire night … and you haven’t got any’

      ‘We aren’t allowed – Health and Safety’

      ‘You’re making this all up’.

      ‘Look are you going to buy anything or not – I’ve got a queue forming’

      Miserable old bag.

      Friday, 31 October 2014

      Dear David - Halloween

      Dear David

      What do you think of my outfit for tomorrow evening when we go to the Laughing Donkey?

      David Responds

      I think you will look very nice from a distance - I shall wave.

      Wednesday, 29 October 2014

      Dear David - Halloween

      Dear David

      I was wondering if you had decided if you were going to the Halloween Night of Horror at the Laughing Donkey this year. If you are I can get us tickets.

      David Responds

      I’m not keen.

      Not after last year ...

      ... when you told that big lad on the door of the Laughing Donkey that you got a right fright when you saw his costume and he said he wasn’t wearing a costume.

      And you said well he should carry a notice to warm people and he said ‘are you trying to be funny’ and did you want a punch on the nose.

      Then you said ‘him and who’s army’ and he said ‘that army in there’ and he pointed to four even bigger lads at the bar.

      Then you said ‘they are big buggers aren’t they’ and we had to make a hasty retreat and try and get into the Silver Slipper across the road. And it cost £5 on top of what we spent on tickets to get into the Laughing Donkey. What an expensive night that turned out to be.

      Tuesday, 28 October 2014

      Dear David - Christmas Countdown

      Dear David

      I have developed a compulsion for counting down the number of days to Christmas. When will it end?

      David Responds

      We are hoping on 25 December 2014.

      Monday, 27 October 2014

      Dear David - Barge

      Dear David

      I am a rather senior politician but today a man rushed at me from out of the blue and nearly knocked me over.  I got a right fright.  What do you think?

      David Responds

      Oh dear that must have been awful, did you get a look at the man?  He didn't have a lot of teeth and was smoking a cigarette did he?  Did he say 'how's that for someone rushing your borders?'

      If so ... I think I know who it was ... it was Ken Dodd.

      Saturday, 25 October 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Lorraine was alarmed on Good Morning Daybreak TV;
      • Kelly is seeing that lad again - for a few weeks anyway;
      • Renee got a new face; and 
      • Madonna sold £500,000 of her old tat - or treasured personal belongings, as it says in the catalogue;
      • Cherly lost half her people; and
      • the Apprentice lost a couple as well;
      • Beyonce and Jay Z renewed their publicity;
      • Claudia is doing better than Tess;
      • the queen sent her first tweet;
      • the Queen said 'What does lol mean; and
      • David said 'How much! I'm not paying that!'


      An important service announcement for Sainsbury's customers ...

      ... Sainsbury's Winter Spiced lavatory cleaner is now in stock.  Hurry while it is still on the shelves.


      At the Patisserie …

      The Patisserie was still covered in black decorations and Agatha was busily stacking her shelves.

      ‘I didn’t like those sly cakes you sold me last week – there was nothing in them’

      ‘You said you didn’t like currants so I took them out – what were you expecting?’

      ‘Well … something different’

      ‘Sly cakes without currents in are are different’

      ‘I wanted a different different’

      ‘We don’t do different different – only different - so what can I get you?’

      ‘Have you got any peach Melbas?’

      ‘I still only have black ones’

      ‘Have you got any mince pies’

      ‘We only have mince pies when we put the Christmas decorations up'

       ‘When's that?'

      ‘We take these ones down, then put the bonfire night decorations up then we take them down and then we put the Christmas decorations up ... then'

      'So you haven't got any now?'


      'Not even some little ones'


       'I'll have two black peach Melbas'

      Thursday, 23 October 2014

      Dear David - Night Out

      Dear David

      Apparently there are two gentlemen who we both know who wish to partake in the Laughing Donkey experience this Saturday - how will we cope with the likely frivolity that will ensue as we are not used to it?

      David Responds

      Are you sure they mean us ... I don't think we are known for having frivolity.

      I think we did have a bit of an uproarious night a while ago, I'm not sure when it was ... let me think when was it ...

      ... I remember it was cold, because I said I didn't think you would need a jacket, but you said you did. In the end you went out without a jacket and you said you froze all night stood next to the fruit machines in the doorway of the Laughing Donkey because there was a right draught coming in every time the door opened. And next day you said you could hardly get out of bed because your arthritis was giving you gpy like it hadn't done for ages.

      I know when it was ... it was Boxing Day night ... I remember now because the taxi driver said it would be an extra 15 shillings because he was on overtime.

      What was your question again ...


      You might have seen Miranda doing the interview circuit.

      She has a new book out. 

      Miranda the series is ending so as a thank you to all her fans she has brought out a book of all the scripts of the shows ...

      ... the scripts of the shows we have seen ...

      ... on the DVDs we bought ...

      but the book is a thank you ... that we have to buy ....

      Thanks Miranda.

      Tuesday, 21 October 2014

      Our Cheryl

      Our Cheryl (Fissleton-Twisselton) was having a few issues with in-fighting amongst her four acts last week.

      Sunday sorted that one out ...

      Monday, 20 October 2014

      Dear David - Football

      Dear David

      I am a goal keeper in a football team (I prefer not to say which one) and after the weekend all my team mates keep calling me butterfingers. I am dead fed up. Can you help?


      David Responds

      Oh an anonymous letter, I get a lot of these.

      I have done a bit of digging and I think I know who you are. You are quite clumsy aren’t you.

      To be fair, I don't think it was all your fault, I am not sue of all the rules, but I don't think your own team are supposed to try and get the ball passed you so I'm not surprised you didn't see a couple of them coming.

      Next time they call you butterfingers, fight back and mention that to them.

      Saturday, 18 October 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Tristan was voted off Strictly - who keeps voting for that Judy;
      • Louis lost two acts on X Factor – the only reason he didn’t lose three was they were only evicting two;
      • As the Bake Off ends –The Apprentice returns;
      • The Apprentice is running all the way to Christmas I don’t think I have time to fit it in all the way to Christmas;
      • Noel (not the old one with the jumpers) decided against doing X Factor;
      • Simon says he is the most eligible bachelor in the world;
      • The one married to Mrs Brown was voted off Strictly;
      • Donny had a funny hair–do on Strictly;
      • Kylie is doing a cover of Bette Davis Eyes;
      • All of a sudden George Clooney is an expert on the repatriation of ancient art works to their countries of origin; 
      • Jude is to be a dad again, with his ex - mother number three child number five; and 
      • Lady Gaga was committed ... no sorry that should be had a commitment ceremony.

      Dear David - Letter

      Dear David

      I recently split up with my boyfriend, but he sent me a letter wanting us to get back together ending it 'love, love will keep us together'.

      It was so romantic and original, he has never done anything like this before.  Now i don't know what to do, I am so confused. Please help.

      David Responds

      I don't usually deal with letters about 'affairs of the heart' much too tricky, but you do seem in a bit of a state  ... I would suggest you check the back catalogue for The Captain and Tennille before you make any decisions.


      At the Patisserie …

      The Patisserie was covered in black decorations this morning.

      ‘What’s going on here’ I asked

      Agatha was sprinkling flour on her baps … she stopped and looked up.

      ‘Oh it’s for Halloween, it’s all a bit of a nuisance really, but everyone is doing it these days so we have to do it as well’

      ‘I’m not sure I like it – what have you done to the cakes?’

      ‘They are the same as normal, we have just put some black food colouring in the icing’

      ‘Have you got any peach Melbas?’

      ‘We have these ones with black icing’

      ‘Have you not got any with peach colour icing?

      ‘Have we not got any?’



      I tried a different tack ‘Have you got any ├ęclairs?’

      ‘Only these black ones?’

      ‘Have you got anything that is its proper colour?’

      ‘Only these sly cakes’

      ‘I don’t like raisins’

      ‘They are currants’

      ‘I don’t like currants’

      ‘I can do you some sly cakes without currants in them’

      ‘I’ll have two’.

      Friday, 17 October 2014

      Dear David - Community Players

      Dear David

      The community players are putting on a revival Breakfast at Tiffany's this Christmas and wondered if you would like me to get you some tickets. I am in the production so I can get you a good discount.


      David Responds

      Oh I like Breakfast at Tiffany's, I might come along.

      Hee hee they haven't got you doing the part of Holly Golightly have they ... lol.

      Oh you have sent a cast list ... let's see who else I might know is in it ....

      ... looking down the 'Cast of Players' ... here we are ... oh good lord they have got you doing Holly Golightly.

      But Holly Golightly she is a young girl ... a young vibrant girl … she is a …. is a  … a  … well she is a loose woman.

      You will never pull that off, I mean how are you going to climb out the window onto the fire escape, you will never manage it ... not with your hip.

      Can you not see if they can do something different, what about that one Bette Davis was in ... what was it called ... she had her face covered in flour ... you would be good in that one. 

      Tuesday, 14 October 2014

      Simon Cowell

      Apparently now that George Clooney is married Simon Cowell is now the world's most eligible bachelor.

      Who knew that for all these years Simon has been in second place.

      Prince Harry must be devastated.

      Monday, 13 October 2014


      Someone in the media remarked that Tess and Claudia were the only successful female presenting double act on TV.

      That is something for us to think about ... I know Sue Perkins is.

      Saturday, 11 October 2014

      Strictly Advice from Dear David

      If all you can manage after three weeks one to one intensive training from one of the top dancers in the world is what you did last week - I wouldn't bother with week two.

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Greg was the first to leave Strictly;
      • the full line up of X Factor was revealed - just tell me when the final is on;
      • Kerry said she was in no rush to have a baby - goodness it must be weeks since she had one;
      • Cheryl conducted an interview in French - apparently she confirmed she could indeed ride a tandem;
      • Charlene and Albert are having twins;
      • Catherine is joining Dad's Army; 
      • Nancy won the bake-off; and 
      • Mary is getting £500,000 for the next series;
      • Angelina got a Sir Lady Damehoodship; and
      • Malala got a Nobel Prize; 
      • the Clooneys are buying a house in Berkshire;
      • him that chucked Kelly is seeing someone else now;
      • Jeremy said the number plates were just a coincidence - of course they were; and apparently
      • Lewis got a pole at the Russian Grand Prix - what a funny thing to give him.

      New MP

      On a news report I heard our newly elected MP referring to Farage as his 'new boss'.

      I can't quite work this out. 

      I think MPs forget;  the tax payer pays their salary and they are elected to represent their constituency.

      I am not sure where the concept of 'Farage is my boss' fits in, he isn't even an MP.


      … at the Patisserie …
      Agatha was shuffling her baps when I arrived this morning
      ‘Hello’ I said in cheery greeting ‘so no ladders this week?’
      ‘Oh no thank goodness, I was up and down them like a fiddlers elbow last week’
      ‘In and out’
      ‘In and out what?’
      ‘Like a fiddlers elbow’
      ‘What is?’
      ‘Me?’  I don’t play the fiddle’
      ‘No you said you “were up and down like a fiddlers elbow”, fiddlers elbows go in and out, not up and down. Yo-yos go up and down’
      ‘My elbows weren’t going in and out’
      ‘No, I know that … you were going up and down the ladder like a yo-yo’
      ‘I know, that's what I said ... look I haven’t got all day to chat all day, what do you want?’
      ‘I’ll have two peach Melbas’.

      Thursday, 9 October 2014

      Dear David - Oor Wullie

      Dear David

      Is it true that after the Scottish referendum result, Alex Salmond has banned English people from buying this years Oor Wullie album?

      David Responds

      No, this isn’t true. Actually I think it is The Broons this year.

      Tuesday, 7 October 2014

      Dear David - Halloween

      Dear David

      I have some tickets for the community center Halloween Night of Horrors and wondered if you would like to come?


      David Responds

      Oh hello dear, I haven’t heard from you for ages is it Halloween time already.

      I’m not sure about going this year … last year was a bit of a fiasco.

      You remember, I said at the time I thought it unlikely that Frank Sinatra would be doing the cabaret, but you were most insistent.

      It wasn’t Frank Sinatra doing the cabaret was it … it was Frank’s son Arthur.

      I mean, I think it is very clever ... to make a balloon model of a Dachshund while singing ‘My Way’, but it wasn’t quite what I was expecting. I felt very overdressed in black tie.

      Saturday, 4 October 2014

      Celebrity Week

      This week's celebrity news:
      • Amal married an actor;
      • Kelly chucked another of her lads;
      • Boris took a brick to conference - what a funny thing to do;
      • David said everyone will be given unicorns and rainbows if we elect him next year;
      • Theresa said ‘elect him’ but she really meant ‘elect me’
      • Boris said ‘elect him’ but he really meant ‘elect me’
      • George said ‘what about me … don’t forget me’
      • Cheryl caused a fuss on X Factor about her seats; and
      • Jeremy said 'I wish I'd picked the Corsa now';

        Dear David - Soap

        Dear David

        I was wondering if you could recommend a brand of soap for me?

        David Responds

        Oh … I don’t know, I don’t really do brand endorsements.

        But what about trying Camay, that's nice.  I know Katie Boyle uses it.

        Dear David - Tulisa

        Dear David

        What's happened to Tulisa's lips n brows?

        David Responds

        Oh I'm not sure ...which one is Tulisa ... is she the one that smacked the lavatory attendant over a lollipop, or was that the other one  ... now what's she called these days ... Fissleton-Twistleton, or something like that.

        Oh I know the one you mean now ... let's have a look on catch up TV .... no that isn't Tulisa it is Pete Burns.


        … at the Patisserie …

        Agatha was high up a ladder rooting around on a high shelf when I arrived this morning.

        ‘What you doing up there dear?’

        'I'm looking for our Christmas decorations, I know we had a box of them up here somewhere'.

        While she rummaged around a bit more I couldn't help noticing Agatha has quite thick ankles.

        'Did you know you had a ladder in your tights?' I asked, she muttered something in reply.

        ... 'Oh look I have found a tray of doughnuts I wonder who put these up here’ Agatha blew a cloud of dust off the tray of cakes.

        ‘Would you like some?’ she asked as she climbed down the ladder with the tray.

        ‘err no thanks, I’ll have two peach Melbas.

        Thursday, 2 October 2014

        Dear David - Wonga

        Dear David

        I have seen on the news that Wonga has to write off millions of pounds of bad debt.  Do you know if my bad debt will be written off?


        David Responds

        No it won't.  You are the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

        Mansion Tax

        A footballer was raging against Labour plans to introduce a £2 million mansion tax.  
        As he says it is a disgrace that people who have bettered themselves should be taxed in this way. 
        Quite right – people who have managed to run up and down a field for a few years should have their mansions protected.

        Monday, 29 September 2014


        What an interesting Tory conference ...

        A delegate being interviewed was asked how he felt about potentially making an accommodation with UKIP.

        He said he was ok with it – after all if they could do a deal with the Lib Dems, then why not with UKIP.

        Thanks for that – it tells me all I need to know.

        Saturday, 27 September 2014

        Celebrity Week

        This week's celebrity news:
        • the Queen was purring like a kitten - apparently, that is what it says here anyway;
        • David got a sudden headache when he was invited round for afternoon tea with the Queen;
        • Martha left the Bake off; and 
        • Jason left Take That;
        • Strictly started; 
        • while some were still singing on X Factor - I think we are up to boot camp;
        • that Declan in Emmerdale might have left; and
        • that Peggy in EastEnders might be back;
        • the one that isn't Cilla is still singing on the telly;
        • Victoria found it necessary to tell us she was a woman;
        • Ed made a speech; 
        • Ed said 'oh I'm sure there was something else I meant to say, now what was it?'; and
        • Ed said 'oh that was it ... the deficit, how could I forget the deficit, what am I like.


        ... at the Patisserie ...

        ... Agatha was straightening her bloomers when I arrived.

        'Hello dearie' she said ... 'How would you like to sample my delights?'

        'I beg your pardon'

        'My delights, we are doing some specials today' she pointed to a small tray of bite size samples.

        'Oh let's have a look ... what are they ... they look like jam doughnuts'

        'They are jam doughnuts'

        'What's so special about that?'

        'I've cut them into small pieces'

        'Oh - what's those over there?'

        'Eccles cakes'

        'They don't look very big'

        'They are small Eccles cakes'

        'Have you got peach Melbas on special?'


        Miserable old bag.

        Thursday, 25 September 2014

        Dear David - Apology

        Dear David

        I recently called the Queen a cat, and now I have to apologise, but I am a bit nervous about it.  Can you help?

        David Responds

        You called the Queen a cat?  That was a funny thing to do.

        I wouldn't like to have to apologise to the Queen so I can see why you would be nervous.

        Why not make light of it ... say something like ... 'eeeh you will never guess what I said the other day'. 

        To show you are sorry, why not take her a small gift, what about a Dundee cake lol.

        Maybe not, I don't think the Queen is known for her sense of humour.  Good luck and let me know how you get on.

        Wednesday, 24 September 2014


        Lyndsay Lohan is over here doing some play or other in the West End, so you might have seen her being interviewed on TV.

        She has been living in London for seven months and she was asked how she found it living there.

        She said it was lovely, because as we know she was born and raised in New York, so she likes cities, and she loves London because it closes.

        So that was it, seven months living in one of the great cities of the world and she likes it because it closes.

        Tuesday, 23 September 2014

        Dear David - Decoration

        Dear David

        A friend of mine told me he was decorating his living room at the weekend. I received an email picture of it today - its lovely but it got me thinking why did I get a scabby picture and not an invite for coffee and a sticky bun?


        David Responds

        Oh how quickly we forget the incident of the cream carpet, the smashed to smithereens crystal glass and the remnants of a bottle of red wine.

        Dear David - Supermarket

        Dear David

        I am the chief executive of a major supermarket but I have just lost £250 million.  I have no idea where it is.  Can you help?


        David Responds

        Oh that is annoying.

        I once lost a £5 note, I looked all over for it and I eventually found it down the back of the sofa.  Have you tried looking down the back of your sofa?

        Monday, 22 September 2014

        Dear David - Leader

        Dear David

        I am thinking of taking over a major political party, but I am worried that the current leader will spend all his time sniping and bitching from the side when I take over.  What do you think?


        David Responds

        I think you are right.  Why not write to John Major - see what he says.

        Saturday, 20 September 2014

        Celebrity Week

        This week's celebrity news:
        • Harry was 30; 
        • Kerry got married - not sure what number this is;  
        • Katie wasn't Kerry's bridesmaid; 
        • Katie said 'that bridesmaid dress is never a size 8'; 
        • Kerry said 'It is, you have just put on weight' 
        • Kerry was fine when she came round; 
        • Katie called her new baby 'Bunny' 
        • Kerry said 'eeh it's just as well your surname isn't Boiler'; 
        • Andy said he wanted a country he didn't live in to be independent; 
        • Alex packed it in; 
        • Marti is doing Evita; 
        • Kate is still singing on the stage; 
        • Arkwright is making more episodes - well he isn't but the others are; and 
        • Kate left the bake off.


        A Sturgeon following a Salmond ... I think there is something fishy going on.

        Apparently the next but one leader of the SNP is Melony Haddock.

        Friday, 19 September 2014

        Queen's Statement

        The Queen has issued a statement from Balmoral

        ...'Hey you, yes you with the microphone, get off my front drive'.

        Thursday, 18 September 2014

        Dear David - Name

        Dear David

        I am thinking of calling my new baby 'Bunny'.  What do you think?


        David Responds

        'Bunny' ... that's a funny name.

        Let's have a look at your signature ... just checking your surname ... wouldn't it be funny if your name was 'Boiler' lol

        ... no, not Boiler ... or Warren ... or Rabbit ... oh I could do this all day.

        The name seems ok, you might just want to check the size of your baby's ears first though. 

        Monday, 15 September 2014


        A busy day with some DIY purchases.

        I bought some brushes, rollers, fillers, masking tape and dust sheets.

        And a pleasant surprise at the checkout with a coupon for extra points next time I buy ........... brushes, rollers, fillers. masking tape and dust sheets ....

        ... which I have just bought ... oh.

        Still I can keep it for next year when I do some more decorating .... let's have a look ... valid to 12 October 2014.

        Why do they do that ... give you a coupon for something you have just bought.

        Saturday, 13 September 2014

        Dear David - Title

        Dear davi

        Which do you think sounds better ... King Alex or President Alex? 

        anon (Scotland)

        David Responds

        First, catch your rabbit.

        Celebrity Week

        This week's celebrity news:
        • The Queen was at Balmoral;
        •  X Factor is going to be on three nights a week – not in my house it isn’t; 
        • lots of politicians couldn’t wait to go to Scotland; 
        • David said ‘eeh isn’t there a lot of country up here – why have we not been here before’; 
        • the Queen was at the Braemar games;
        • the Queen said ‘eeh I might not be able to come here next year; 
        • Kate is having another baby; and
        • Harry opened his Games;
        • George is going to be in Downton; 
        • Alex was thinking .. 'which sounds better ... King Alex or President Alex?';
        • the Sun says it might stop doing Page 3; 
        • the orange one said ‘eeh how my gonna feed me kids; and
        • Gary won celebrity Big Brother.


        … at the Patisserie …

        Agatha was sprinkling flour on her baps ...  'What can I get you this week?' she asked

        ‘I'd like Princess cake'

        ‘You want a what cake?'

        ‘A Princess cake'

        ‘Princess who?'

        ‘Not Princess anyone, just a Princess cake'

        ‘We don’t sell them’




        ‘What those?’

        ‘Those cakes’

        ‘What about them?’

         'You don't sell them'

        'I know, I told you that'

        'You said you don't sell them, but it should have been you don't sell those'

        'I know we don't sell them'


        Look we don't sell Princess cakes... we sometimes serve them but we don't sell them'.
        I wonder what she meant by that?

        Thursday, 11 September 2014

        Dear David - Autumn Fashion

        Dear David

        Autumn is nearly here - as usual I'd appreciate your style tips for the next season so I fit in with the beautiful people in the Laughing Donkey. Photograph of me in my current style mode enclosed.


        David Responds

        A fashion question letter, I like fashion questions ...

        ... and a photograph ... I like these letters ...

        ... let's have a look ... fishing the photo out of the envelope ...

        Oh ... it's you ... is it time for your 'new season fashion letter' already... doesn't time fly.

        I did like your look for last autumn\winter, mind you not everyone can carry off a full length Astrakhan coat - and didn't you look warm!

        This season we are wearing slim, sharp cut suits in black or navy.

        A bit like the suit you wore last year to the ‘Over 60s Halloween buffet and bingo’ at the community centre – only with long trousers. I think you got away with it that night, what with it being Halloween, but I am not sure it would go in the Laughing Donkey.

        Oh and I don’t care what you say … Harry Potter was never a prisoner of Astrakhan.

        Wednesday, 10 September 2014


        I had a funny dream.

        It was a long rambling dream but briefly I had murdered six people and went on the run.

        After a while I gave myself up and was given 36 years in prison.

        Prison reception was Block 14 entrance (old Min people will know where that is) and assigned to work in the launderette.

        Some people from work came to visit me – and they said some very unkind things about me

        You really find out who your friends are when you have murdered six people.

        Tuesday, 9 September 2014

        Dear David - Scotland ... again

        Dear David

        I think my postal vote for the Scottish referendum has got lost. Is there another way I can vote other than by Royal Mail?


        David Responds

        Didn’t I have a letter from you about this yesterday?

        Just to put your mind at rest, I am sure your detached in the highlands is quite safe, as well as those diamonds your nan left you that you keep in an old OXO tin under your bed (yes I know about your old OXO tin).

        Try not to worry about it too much as whichever way the vote goes I think they are going to keep you. Anyway I don’t think you have a vote.

        Oh and sorry about that mention of Marie Antoinette, I didn’t mean to give you a turn, it was just my little joke.

        Monday, 8 September 2014

        Dear David - Scotland

        Dear David

        I am currently Queen of a country, but I have a feeling that soon they are going to become independent and one day might become a republic.

        I have a house in this country and I have just had the front room done, I am concerned in case I have to flee the country if it becomes independent. Also I like to go there for my holidays in August. Can you help, I am very worried.


        David Responds

        I’m not sure why you signed your letter ‘anon’ as I think I can work out who you are.

        But yes I can see why you are worried, we don’t want a repeat of the Marie Antoinette business do we, lol.

        I think you should be ok for a while, even if it is a yes vote it will take a while to get the new arrangements in place. Why don’t you take a few precautions, maybe take a few pictures down and bring them home, roll up a couple of rugs and stick them in the boot of your car, that sort of thing.

        As for your holidays why not get a couple of brochures for Wales, have a look round, have you thought of Llanelli?

        Saturday, 6 September 2014

        Celebrity Week

        This week's celebrity news:
        • Roger can’t drink Martinis any more; 
        • Kate sold lots of new records … well some new old records; 
        • Jools tripped over a red carpet;
        • Tulisa is going into the jungle for £500,000; 
        • Tulisa said ‘hurrah I’m going into the jungle’; 
        • Tulisa said ‘aww’ when she found out it was the Australian jungle not the Colombian jungle; 
        • Nigella was allowed into America; 
        • Harry is comin up 30; 
        • Chris spent  £2.2 million on a car;
        • Gary said he is quite happy to pay his tax now – aww isn’t that nice, I think I will write to HMRC and tell them I am happy to pay my taxes as well;
        • Barak went for a walk around Stonehenge; 
        • 10 million people saw Iain throw his baked Alaska in the bin; and
        • Janette Krankie left the Celebrity Big Brother house.


        … at the Patisserie …

        Agatha was setting out her goods ...

        ‘I'd like a medley of meat pies, stacked at least three deep in a variety of flavours in an attractive display’

        ‘Are you kidding me?’

        ‘No, I saw it on the bake-off, I’m having people over’

        ‘We don’t do meat pies’

        ‘You don’t?’

        ‘We don’t’

        ‘You don’t?’

        ‘We don’t’

        ‘You don’t do meat pies?’

        ‘Look are you going to keep this up all day?’

        ‘So you don’t do meat pies’


        ‘Sausage rolls?’


        ‘Not even little sausage rolls?’


        ‘What about plate pies? You must do a savory mince pies?’


        ‘I’ll have two peach melbas.’

        Thursday, 4 September 2014

        Dear David - Postman

        Dear David

        I am a postman and I love my job, but there is a funny customer on my route. He is always standing at the window smiling and waving when I deliver his ‘Trains Monthly’.  I don’t mind as you get all sorts in this job, but the last time I saw him he asked me if I wanted to throw a cup of water in his face. I am very worried.

        David Responds

        Oh dear ... actually I think I know who you mean, do you deliver round the community center?

        I am sure you will be quite safe, but if he asks again I think you should politely decline.

        Why don't you see if you can swap your round with a colleague?  Try and get it sorted by Christmas or you might get invited in for Christmas sausage roll.

        Wednesday, 3 September 2014

        Dear David - Challenge ... again

        Dear David

        I do so have friends.


        David Responds

        I have told you this before … the postman is not your friend, he has to put those letters through your letter box.

        Tuesday, 2 September 2014

        Dear David - Challenge

        Dear David

        I was nominated to do the ice bucket challenge by some friends but I failed to complete it in 48 hours - what are the likely consequences?


        David Responds

        Oh hello, you again. I haven’t heard from you for ages, not since I got that injunction – it must have expired.

        Let’s have a look at your letter … what are you asking this time …

        …. ‘bucket challenge’ … blah blah blah‘

        …’set by your friends’ … are you sure?

        What 'friends' ... Can you see these 'friends' now?

        As for the challenge, I can see your difficulty, weren’t you banned from owning a bucket after that fiasco when you tried to stage a revival of ‘Singing in the Rain’ in the reading room at the library with out the proper authorization?

        Why don’t you throw a cup of water in your face and be done with it?

        Saturday, 30 August 2014

        Celebrity Week

        This week's celebrity news:
        • Brad and Angelina got married;
        • Jon wasn't there to see the wedding;
        • Manchester United asked if they could start the season again;
        • two people left the Bake off - one beard left and one beard stayed;
        • Nigel got a new friend;
        • David said he wasn't fussed as he had never heard of him anyway;
        • an MP you have never heard of made a dramatic announcement - he said he was 41;
        • all the Strictly people were confirmed;
        • the X Factor people started to appear;
        • Cheryl Twissleton-Fissleton is back on X Factor - has she been on this programme with three names? and 
               Pinkey, bless him, won't be going to Brighton again ...

            Dear David - England Captain

            Dear David

            I have just been made England captain and I am a bit nervous about some of my captain’s duties.

            I don’t like talking in front of large crowds and am worried about making celebration speeches if we win a major international trophy. Do you have any tips to help me?


            David Responds

            I shouldn’t worry about it too much. Write to me again if it happens.

            Dear David - Football Manager

            Dear David

            I am a rather successful international football manager, but I have started with this new team and they are dead rotten. Do you have any tips for future games?


            David Responds

            I see you haven’t signed your letter but I think I know who you are.

            Bit of a tricky one, this one …

            … what about turning up 30 minutes before the other side? You might be able to score a couple of goals before they get there.


            At the Patisserie Agatha was all ready and waiting this morning, her shelves packed with ... things.

            ‘What can I get you today’

            ‘May I have six iced buns’

            ‘Oh that’s a lot, are you having a party’

            ‘No, I’m going to do this ‘iced bun challenge’ that every one is doing’

            ‘Oh what’s that?’ asked Agatha

            ‘It’s on the internet apparently, everyone is taking a challenge to eat iced buns’

            ‘Ah, not 'iced bun challenge' I think you mean ‘iced bucket challenge’

            ‘What’s that then?’ I asked

            Agatha explained …

            ‘I’ll have two peach Melbas’.

            Thursday, 28 August 2014

            Dear David - Referendum

            Dear David

            I have a vote in the Scottish referendum and I am trying to make up my mind on how to use it.

            I wondered if you knew what the question on the ballot paper was going to be and who wrote it?

            David Responds

            Oh yes that is coming up soon isn’t it.

            I am not sure of the final wording of the question, but Alex Salmond submitted an early draft which was: 

            ‘Don’t you not think Scotland wouldn’t not be better off if we didn’t not stay with England? (place X against Yes)’

            but I don't think it got through Quality Control.

            I think the final version is  "Should Scotland be an independent country?"

            Wednesday, 27 August 2014

            Dear David – Manchester United … again

            Dear David

            Who are MK Dons?

            David Responds

            I’m not sure, but the sooner Angela Merkel starts the better.

            Tuesday, 26 August 2014

            Dear David - Manchester United

            Dear David

            Is it true Manchester United have just signed Angela Merkel for £60 million?

            David responds


            Monday, 25 August 2014

            Dear David - Night Out

            Dear David

            Isn't about time we organised our Christmas night out in the Laughing Donkey?


            David Responds

            Our Christmas night out?  .. What Christmas night out ...?

            Ah ... oh yes ... that night out ... err yes I forgot about that .. but it has been a while hasn't it ... last year my neighbour was ill at the last minute and the year before my cat fell out of a tree (or was it the other way around?)

            Yes we must have a night out, let me check when Christmas is this year and I will get back to you.

            Saturday, 23 August 2014

            Celebrity Week

            This week's celebrity news:
            • Kerry had her latest hen do; 
            • the Pope said he might retire in a couple of years - soon you won't be able to get moved for popes;
            • David took his blue shirt on holiday to Cornwall again;
            • some people went into the big Brother house; and
            • some people got covered in cold water;
            • Mariah has chucked her husband after he said he had dated that one out of that family that are famous for doing nothing and are never out of the papers but I don't know who they are;
            • Justin shaved his mustache off - I didn't know he had had a mustache;
            • David went for a lads night out with his mates - you wouldn't want to go out with David on a lads night out ... what would you wear ...; and the other
            • David went surfing;
            • Tom is making Mission Impossible 5; and 
            • someone on celebrity Big Brother displayed erratic behavior - how could they tell?

            Dear David - Bucket Challenge

            Dear David

            I am an orange glamour model but no one has nominated me for a bucket challenge. I am very worried, why have I not been nominated?

            David Responds

            You haven't been nominated as we are worried about the effects of washing all your make-up into the water table ... oh and because no one like you.


            ... at the Patisserie ...

            ‘Have you got anything on special for the Bake off?’

            ‘Oh yes’ said Agatha excitedly ‘as it was “biscuit week” we have lots of biscuits on special’

            ‘Biscuit week was the week before’

            ‘It wasn’t’

            ‘It was’

            ‘It wasn’t’

            ‘It was’

            ‘It wasn’t’

            …. (quieter) ‘It was’

            ‘It wasn’t’ (louder)

            ‘I’ll’ have two Florentines’.

            Thursday, 21 August 2014

            Dear David - Cravats ... again

            Dear David

            I saw your response to my question about cravats saying you don't think they are fashionable.  I don't agree, Johnny Depp wears one so I think I can wear one.


            David Responds

            You're not Johnny Depp.

            Wednesday, 20 August 2014

            Dear David - Cravat

            Dear David

            I have seen in the news that cravats are in this season.  Is it true?  I have enclosed a photograph of me in my cravat.


            David Responds

            Oh no, I don't think so. Creepy.  Only David Niven could get away with a cravat, and then it was touch and go.

            But oh ... a photograph ...

            ... I like these letters ...

            ... with photographs in them ...

            ... let's have a look ...

            Ah well ... no, that isn't really a cravat is it, it's a pillow case.  If you are going to wear one, I think you have to buy the proper thing, you can't make one.

            Oh and to your second question ... no, I don't think you should wear a cravat when you are out with your notebook writing down car numbers.

            Tuesday, 19 August 2014

            Dear David - Celebrity Big Brother: Agatha

            Dear David

            Is it true that after Agatha was turned down by Strictly she will be on Celebrity Big Brother?

            David Responds

            Ah well no, Agatha isn’t on Celebrity Big Brother, she did apply for it, but she didn’t get on.

            They said they weren’t interested as she wasn’t a celebrity. That didn’t go down well and she said neither was Judy Murray but she got onto Strictly Come Dancing.

            They pointed out they weren’t doing Strictly Come Dancing and it was up to them who they had on.

            She said that wasn’t fair as she said she was a big celebrity where she came from and if that so called Judy Murray could be a celebrity so could she.

            They wavered a bit said they would interview her … so they asked her what sort of funny quirk she had.

            She said what did they mean ‘funny quirk?’

            They said well … for example … was she a 'lazy good for nothing with a big mouth'?

            She got furious and said ‘who you calling a lazy good for nothing with a big mouth?’

            They said they didn’t say she was a lazy good for nothing with a big mouth, they just asked if she was.

            It all then got a bit unpleasant and they asked her to leave. I think they said they would keep her on file and if Cilla couldn’t do it next time they would give her a call.

            Monday, 18 August 2014

            Dear David - SCD

            Dear david

            Is it true that as Strictly Come Dancing has been going on so long, you now only need to be a parent of a celebrity to be on it?

            David Responds

            Apparently yes.

            Saturday, 16 August 2014

            Celebrity Week

            This week's celebrity news:
            • Philip had breakfast at a Little Chef on the A1; 
            • Frank is now Kellie; 
            • Alex says he is keeping the pound that he borrowed off of George; 
            • Justin pleaded guilty to something or other; 
            • Harry was at the Great British Beer Festival;
            • Harry said 'Is this not the one where they make loads of cakes?'
            • One of the Popes was in one of the Koreas;
            • Gethin joined a dating site - which one was it again?; 
            • Man United banned the use of tablets in their stadium, in case anyone managed to record 10 minutes of dead boring football and made 50p out of selling it to someone;
            • Nigel decided he wanted to take as many Parliamentary expenses as he can to the expenses he takes out of Europe;
            • Gwyneth is dating a new lad;
            • Chris had steak and chips and sausages for tea ...

            and Lauren bless her won't be going to Key Largo again ... 


            Russia denied it was trying to smuggle troops into Ukraine in its empty aid trucks.

            Russia said it was very sorry for any distress caused and as a measure of goodwill it said would Ukraine like this nice big wooden horse.


            ... at the Patisserie

            ‘Have you got two large baps ?’


            Thursday, 14 August 2014

            Dear David - Hit

            Dear David

            A rat ran in front of my car tonight and I squashed it dead before I had time to react - will it go to rat heaven?

            David Responds

            Oh dear what a fright.  No, there is no such thing as an animal heaven.

            And sorry, this subject is a bit yucky and not something I normally handle (I prefer letters about biscuits and nice fashion letters).

            I have passed your letter to Denise Robertson she is a bit more ... what's the word ...?   earthy yes that's it, Denise is a bit more earthy and I am sure she will be delighted with your letter.

            Tuesday, 12 August 2014

            Dear David - Resignations

            Dear David

            Is it true that two Tory ministers have resigned recently over matters of principle?

            David Responds

            Well yes and no, the Baroness resigned over a matter of principle, this one resigned over a matter of principal.

            Monday, 11 August 2014

            Dear David - Pound

            Dear David

            I am thinking of setting up a new country and I want to have £Sterling as our currency.
            Unfortunately I am having a bit of trouble getting George to agree.  Can you help? 


            David Responds

            I see your letter isn't signed, but I think I know who you are.

            This is a bit of a tricky one as I am not a lawyer and I don't know what the rules are, but I am not sure anyone really know who the pound belongs to. 

            Why don't you just not mention it again and they might forget about it.

            Then in a few months you can probably just use it without asking anyone.  George hardly ever goes to Scotland so he will probably never notice.

            Saturday, 9 August 2014

            Celebrity Week

            This week's celebrity news:
            • George got wet at Goodwood;
            • Tulisa has a look of Pete Burns about her;
            • Boris said he would quite like to be Prime Minister - well he didn't exactly say that ...:
            • Alex and Alistair had an argument about a pound;
            • Mary is baking cakes on the telly again;
            • Robin isn't doing Strictly this year;
            • Gwyneth had a secret holiday rendezvous in Utah - well it says it was secret here;
            • Harry went to a fairground;
            • Madonna was 56; and
            • Sarah is going to Balmoral to see the Queen - might be a short visit - Philip can't stand her.

            Dear David - Agatha

            Dear David

            Is it true that Agatha has been asked to take part in this years celebtity big brother due to her rising notoriety due to your blog?

            David Responds

            I think this is a bit of a rumour, which started when she applied for the main Bake Off.

            She was doing quite well at a screen test until one of the producers said he didn't think Agatha was 'televisual'.

            Agatha didn't take it very well and asked him what he meant by that. He said it was nothing really he just 'wasn't getting a feeling about her'. And she said I'll give you a feeling in a minute ... right on the end of your nose. And he said there was no need to be like that. And she said how could she not be televisual compared to this lot.

            Then Mary Berry asked what all the noise was and why did she have to put up with some of the riff raff that turned up for her show.

            Then it all got a bit nasty and Agatha was marched out by security.

            So no, I don't think channel 5 will have her.


            When I got to Patisserie this morning it was all decked out in bunting with special displays for the Great British Bake Off.

            'Oh' I said 'I thought you weren't doing anything special for the Bake off?'

            'It wasn't my idea' replied Agatha as she jabbed a doughnut with her piping bag 'the manager said we had to do it.  I told him it didn't make sense' she went on 'the point of the Bake off is to get people baking, we are selling ready made, its not the same'.

            'What did the manager say to that?'

            She shouted out the back 'Margaret, what was it the manager said again when I told him his Bake off idea was stupid?' 

            'Yes that was it ... he said ... "when he wanted my opinion he would ask for it", and "if I spent more time doing as I was asked and kept my trap shut I would get on better". 

            'Oh well never mind, I'll have one of your bake off Swiss roll specials'.

            'Jam or chocolate?'


            'We've only got Jam.' 

            Friday, 8 August 2014


            Bit of shopping today and the nice lady behind the counter made conversation about my bulk buy of t-shirts.

            'For the gym', I explained 'they don't last long so I get a few at the same time.  I like these ones as they are plain, I don't like t-shirts with logos on them.

            The nice lady smiled and nodded and said 'My dad's the same'.

            What a bitch.

            Thursday, 7 August 2014

            Dear David - IPA Day

            Dear David

            What is IPA Day?

            David Responds

            IPA Day is a celebration of all things ale.  It has been going a few years it stands for India Pale Ale Day.

            I'm not really an ale drinker myself, actually I don't think I have ever had it, but I think it is a bit like lager only black and sometimes has twigs in it.

            I think they only sell it in the countryside or in tents and to drink it you have to have a beard and own a pair of corduroy trousers.

            Dear David - IPA Day

            Dear David

            As it is IPA day I was thinking of having a beer in the Laughing Donkey.  What do you think?

            David Responds

            Normally I would suggest celebrating it in the traditional manner, by engaging the publican with a hearty 'Good day landlord, a pint of your finest India Pale Ale please'.  But I doubt that would get much reaction in the Laughing Donkey - they are not the brightest behind the bar, (I normally just point at what I want and mouth the required number).  I would try somewhere else.

            Wednesday, 6 August 2014

            Dear David - Boris

            Dear David

            I am thinking of running for PM next year ... oh no sorry I mean MP next year (eeh I always get those two letters the wrong way around).  Have you got any tips for me?


            David Responds

            Oh you have sprung this on me a bit sudden, I'm not really sure, I don't think Ken has any other bike schemes planned that you can criticize and then when you see how popular they are claim them as your own.  Leave it with me and I will have an ask around.

            Tuesday, 5 August 2014

            Dear David Urgent Messages

            Dear David Urgent messages

            ... To K in Dorset ... if you continue to do that on a unicycle you will have someone's eye out.

            ... To R (no address supplied) I would leave it 20 minutes and try again see if you can still play the banjo.

            Monday, 4 August 2014

            Closing Ceremony

            You might have seen the closing ceremony (marginally better than the opening ceremony) and much as I enjoyed Ae Fond Kiss, beautifully sung by Karen Matheson, and wouldn't have missed it, what a downer, who's bright idea was that?

            It was a struggle to lift the mood after that and I am not sure they managed it ... 

            ... And Kylie, much as I love you, what were you thinking with that outfit - so wrong.

            I mean you had a nice dress with you, why not wear that for the whole set.  If you need some advice for future events, let me know ... I can give you an address to write to ...

            Saturday, 2 August 2014

            Celebrity Week

            This week's celebrity news:
            • Jamie somebody left Danielle somebody - no idea;
            • Wham! might be having a reunion;
            • Kate jumped over three tins;
            • Harrison is walking unaided again;
            • Orlando had an argument with Justin;
            • Zara went tot he races; and
            • Tom was there as well;
            • and some other people - I don't really do horse races;
            • Ashley photobombed Cherl - whatever that is;
            • him off of Emmerdale that used to be him off of Heartbeat is married to her off of Downton;
            • Mrs Twistleton-Fissleton wore a peplum dress, not a tea dress for X Factor; and 
            • him off of the Virgin Media advert ran in the Commonwealth games.

            Dear David - Yorkshire Day

            Dear David

            I am true Yorkshire and very proud that today is Yorkshire Day.  There must be loads of events and festivals on to mark the day.  Can you give me a guide on the best of them.  I am very excited.

            David Responds

            It was yesterday. 


            Agatha was looking a bit preoccupied this morning. I had a quick look around Patisserie to see if there was a special promotion on … but there was nothing.

            I said ‘I thought you might have been doing a bit of an event … what with the Bake Off starting again this week’.

            As soon as I said it, I remembered, I could have have bit my tongue.

            I got the whole story again of how she had made it to the screen test for Bake Off and how after a bit of  run in about a roulade with one of the producers, they had ‘frog marched her out of the studio’.  She was in full flow, she said 'Mary Berry wasn’t all she was cracked up to be' and it was a bit rich her calling Agatha 'common as muck' because she knew her when she had nowt ... and if 'that other one spent more time baking tarts instead fiddling around with them he would get on better ...'

            There was a brief pause so I took my chance I said ... 'That's a good idea, give me a packet of those jam tarts'.